[Kateep1]

Zoe (and many of the following posters) I completely understand. We have not yet started IVF but I think we will be in the coming months.
Since we have been ttc my best friend, sister and sister in law have all fallen pregnant. My sister I am over the moon for as she also was ttc for far longer than we have been and had two terrible ivf cycles before she got her bfp.
My best friend (well previous best friend, this has put a definate wall between us) fell pregnant to a guy she had been seeing for five months "accidently". To make things worse my "best friend" told me she was pregnant on facebook claiming she wanted me to be able to react however I want without feeling bad.

The day I broke down and told my sister in law all about the troubles we were having she told me they had decided that they going to start trying for baby number 2. Two weeks later my husband recieved a call from his brother saying they were pregnant.

So it's been a rough few months. My sister in law has been carrying on behind our backs that we aren't congratulating them enough and I feel like it's gotten to the stage with my best friend where she has lost her sensitivity chip completely and that she expects me to just get over my own fertility issues.
At the moment I am planning her baby shower which is so painful for me. Meanwhile she tells me that she is worried about when the baby is born she won't be able to buy things for herself "You know I can't use supermarket moisturizers" she has said. Not to mention the endless facebook reminders that she is pregnant. Last night she posted that she had nightmares after watching One born every minute because she is scared of the noises she might make and the faces she might pull. SO INFURIATING!!

Sorry Zoe this post hasn't been that comforting to you and I have kind of turned it into my own rant but basically I'm trying to tell you there is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. I am so jealous of my friend. sis and sil and I try and try to not be bitter but it is impossible.
I think we all just need to look after ourselves and distance ourselves from pregnant people around us. The truth is that as much as they say they understand people that haven't had any issues will never understand at all what it is like to long for a child and people who have only tried for a short time (like me) will still not completely understand what it is like for someone like you who has tried for much longer.
xxxxxx

[sophie72]

Hey Zoe,

Your feelings are normal, please don't beat yourself up because of it. Life truly sucks after multiple failed IVF cycles and people falling pregnant soooo easily around you.

But imagine for a second being me (and sorry for hijacking)- 8 failed ICSI cycles in 3 years and working in an Obstetric Unit seeing pregnant women all this time (yep, lots of pregnant women in early and late pregnancy, women coming to the antenatal clinics for check-ups and bringing their other 2-3-4 children with them, women in various stages of labour, women showing off their babies with delight after birth...). I only survived because I truly love my job but sometimes the pain is just unbearable...

Hope you'll get your baby soon. Please don't give up. I heard the joy that they bring in your life makes you forget all this heartbreaking journey.

Take care.

This post has been edited by sophie72: 12/04/2012, 10:45 PM

[AryaStar]

She needs friends to be excited for her and does it show more about your character (as a fighter, determined and strong - I presume from looking at your sig) if you are angry and upset because she got pregnant and you didn't, or would it show who you really are if through your pain you could show her that you are happy - even if inside you feel as if you are splitting apart...

Wrong.

A newly pregnant woman does not need anyone to be excited for her. As lovely as that might be her desire for people to share in her excitement does not trump the need for the OP to protect herself emotionally and psychologically when she is feeling frustrated, fearful, grief-stricken, angry, devastated and vulnerable.

And the nonsensical rambling about wishing the baby was never born, and the mum being undeserving etc is such utter rubbish that it doesn't even warrant addressing.

True friends will be sensitive to your feelings even if they don't fully understand them. Only the self-absorbed narcissists will be annoyed that you can't be gushingly excited for them despite your own struggles to conceive.

[Guest_Retro_Mumma_*]

Both.

I think you are being selfish and unfair but its totally understandable I felt the same way when my friends fell pregnant and I didnt.

I was happy for them but at the same time I felt jelous and angy.

Not at them just at the whole thing.

I think its pretty normal to feel that way but in saying that its not fair to take your anger out on your friend, you have to think what if the roles were reversed and she was mean to you because you got pregnant and she didnt?

Its hard but one day you will be the pregnant one and there will be other people jelous and angry because you are pregnant and they are not no matter how long you have been trying for. You have just got to treat people how you would like to be treated if the roles were reversed.

This post has been edited by Retro_Mumma: 13/04/2012, 11:52 PM

[fozzymum]

I really, really hope that the PP replying to the OP actually have some idea what multiple failed IVF cycles are like - its a vastly different proposition that just BDing every month, even if its been for a year or more. A couple of responses make me think some posters have NFI what its like. IVF is physically and emotionally exhausting, not to mention the additional financial burdens that it can bring. Handing over thousands of dollars and all your hopes and dreams to an inexact science each cycle is horrible. To expect that a person who has gone through this to respond to other peoples pregnancies in the same way as someone who hasn't gone through multiple IVFs is ludicrous IMO.

I'm obviously not the OP but responses from PP who haven't gone through multiple IVFs really seem to have no idea what its like so IMO unless you've been there, done that - don't reply!!!

I always said that if I could just know what the end of my journey would be, I could take anything, even 20 IVFs. But to go into cycle after cycle, never knowing if you will get what you want, is a special kind of torture that in my experience only fellow IVFers can understand.

[Hoping4a2012baby]

Agrees with Shady Lane & Fozzymum

[fozzymum]

I'm getting worked up into rant stage now.

Zoe, when you can bring yourself to be around babies do you find that all of these kind, caring people who just want to make you feel better try to foist their babies on you? For me it was like, "Oh fozzymum, we know how desperately you want a baby so here, you can hold my little darling for a while." Uh thanks but no thanks!!! As cute and adorable as your baby is, I want to hold my baby, not yours!!!

[follies]

Wrong.

A newly pregnant woman does not need anyone to be excited for her. As lovely as that might be her desire for people to share in her excitement does not trump the need for the OP to protect herself emotionally and psychologically when she is feeling frustrated, fearful, grief-stricken, angry, devastated and vulnerable.

However it can be very upsetting when a close friend or family member has obvious negative feelings towards your pregnancy.

If someone is having those kinds of thoughts towards pregnant women due to their own fertility problems I would recommend taking to a Councillor as it is not healthy to be causing such unnecessary stress especially when trying to conceive.

[fozzymum]

However it can be very upsetting when a close friend or family member has obvious negative feelings towards your pregnancy.

If someone is having those kinds of thoughts towards pregnant women due to their own fertility problems I would recommend taking to a Councillor as it is not healthy to be causing such unnecessary stress especially when trying to conceive.

The key differentiation for me is I don't have negative feelings specifically towards others' pregnancies, the negative feelings are about my "subfertility" and inability to conceive and not being able to hold the baby I desperately want.

That's what the friends need to understand: its not you, its me and even though it is me, that doesn't make my feelings bad or wrong. We just need time and respect to deal with our feelings in the best way we can.

Most IVF clinics do offer counselling as part of the whole IVF package but I found it very unhelpful. The best support I've received is from other people who have actually been through IVF. Not to mention that IVF is also incredibly demanding of your time - appointment after appointment, days off work, etc. The counsellors I met were not helpful enough to feel like anything other than yet another drain on the little time I had.

[AryaStar]

Im not angry at her, im just sad for me. Why couldnt that be me?

The OP is not being "mean" or taking her anger out on her friend and has expressed no enmity towards the mum-to-be or the baby.

Having been there myself at one time it is safe to say that we are for the most part all too painfully aware that these feelings are not "healthy", which only adds guilt to the lengthy laundry list of pretty awful things we are already feeling. Especially when someone plays the old "don't stress" card as well.

I'm sure it is terribly upsetting when not everyone around you is able to be unconditionally ecstatic for your pregnancy but it pales in comparison to what some of these women have had to go through and I'll bet that all becomes entirely irrelevant anyway once you have that gorgeous little newborn in your arms.

Plus everything that fozzymum has said.

This post has been edited by Shady Lane: 13/04/2012, 10:29 PM