Things

Oh gosh I wish i could sleep, I wish just for once in this last year I was able to get into bed and full fast asleep like my children do all warm and safe and in someways carefree to this world. I've never done a blog before and not sure if its something I could do ongoing but as I've got a little time to go before I'm able to get to sleep I'm sure this could be some way to pass the time.
On September the 10th 2011 my partner of 15 years left me, but not just left me ripped my heart and soul out from within my chest after so many years, 4 children and one big move over to Sydney with no family he tells me he's gay and had meet someone.Not only had meet someone but was moving in with them, not only was he gay but in the years we had been together he had always known he was gay, he also told me that he had never really been involve with me but stayed with me out of fear of what others/ his family would think of him if he was to tell them he was in fact a gay man.So a year on and I still can not sleep I can not breath sometimes ill be driving on my way to work and the tears start fulling and they come and come and I sit in my car and all I can think is I'm alone lost and can not for the life of me find my way back to me, I'm tried, I'm over work I'm lost, I'm lonely in my heart, I feel like I'm drowning and cannot get air.But even with all of these feelings I'm not angry with him, I don't hate him and I don't wish any hurt or pain on him I just feel very numb towards him like I look at him and wonder who he is like even after being with him for so many years I don't know him at all. I Lydia was with a man for 15 years who never loved me, who used me, lied to me, Cheated on me, and when he was happy to let the world know who he was dropped me just dropped me like I was no one.Yes sometimes I really wish I could sleep close me eyes feel warm just like my babies and sleep Oh I wish one day again Lydia xx