Are you ready to be Parents?
We know you can't truly prepare for parenthood until you're in charge of areal-life, small human being, but one list is trying to prepare expectantparents and clucky adults for the realities of life with a child.
Writtenby an unknown blogger, the '14 steps to follow before you have children'article has become a hit around the globe, posted on countless blogs andparenting sites.
Wenow share the hilarious list with Essential Baby readers - see if you canrelate to any of these points ...
Women: To prepare for pregnancy
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
Men:To prepare for children
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter andtell the pharmacist to help himself.
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to theirhead office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods ofdiscipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how theyhave allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they mightimprove their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners andoverall behaviour. Enjoy it; this will be the last time in your life that youwill have all the answers.
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighingapproximately 4-6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxioussound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.4. Set thealarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
*Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test4: Dressing small children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
*Time Allowed: 5 minutes
1. Forget the BMW; buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave itthere.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test6: Going for a walk
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come back in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in again.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least six questions about every piece ofused chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours comeout and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
*You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test7: Conversations with children
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test8: Grocery shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find toa preschool child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have morethan one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
*Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test9: Feeding a 1-year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into theswaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies andDisney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Coverthe stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor andproceed with step 5.
5. Drag random items from one room to another room and leave them there.
Test12: Long trips with toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important notes: nomore than a 4-second delay between each 'Mummy'. Include occasional crescendoto the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
*You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve whileplaying the 'Mummy tape' listed above.
*You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a childin the room.
Test14: Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put one cup of lemon juice in it.
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work.
Youare now ready to have children. ENJOY!