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One week later...

Posted by White-Lily , 29 September 2011 · 231 views

It has been a week since we lost the baby. A whole week. It has gone so fast, like a blur.
Things keep happening around me and I don’t even really notice them. I’m just going through the motions at the moment, not really paying attention to most things.

I’m back at work. Not that I’m working much while here but I’m putting on a show and getting through the important things slowly. I’m staring at my computer with no purpose a lot. But at least I’m trying and making an effort. I can’t (and wont) sit at home all day feeling sorry for myself.

My bruising in my arms is still sore. The cold weather doesn’t help at all, it just constricts my veins and makes them ache. The bruising is huge and it’s inside my veins, well it sure feels like it is. I have a lovely bruise on the back of my left hand where the anesthetic went in and then I have the biggest, nastiest bruise I have ever had where they put the canula. This bruise hurts the most. It is only just starting to go yellow now (6 days post op).It has been a lovely bright blue, almost fluro in colour. I also have some bruising on my right arm where they took blood last Thursday. This is almost gone now.

My boobs had shrunk back to pre-pregnancy size by Friday morning, before I had even had the surgery. DH said he had noticed my belly had also shrunk by Friday morning. It is pretty much back to being flat now, it is what it was again. There is nothing in there at all.
It is amazing how quickly my body has snapped back. I just wish the bruises would go away and the bleeding would stop. I’m sick of being reminded every time I move my arms or go to the toilet. It doesn’t feel like the bleeding is going to stop anytime soon. The last day or so I have been getting mild cramps, nothing too serious just enough to notice. I just want it to be over with.

DH is doing ok, well he seems to be. He has moments where I can see him hurting but he doesn’t open up a great deal. He just goes into his head and looks sad. It is heart breaking to see him like this.

I’m still really emotional. Very up and down. People I hadn’t even told are telling me how sorry they are. That is hitting me around a bit. I don’t know who knows what and I don’t know who thinks it’s ok to spread my sad news. It’s not ok. It is no one else’s business. But people care and are concerned. DH says I have been with my company for too long, working with the same people for too long, for them to not ask and to not care. I suppose it’s not a huge leap to work out where I was and what happened, given that we already have a child and were/are planning more.

Speaking of work, apparently I have been here for 5 years today. I completely forgot given the recent events. I will get my name put on the plaque but that’s all the celebration I want right now. Maybe next week I will sort out a morning tea.
I don’t really have any love for my job at the moment. I’m just doing what needs to be done. I was really looking forward to having maternity leave and a break from work again but now that I’m not getting this (even though it was still months away)I just can’t be bothered with the whole thing. I was over work before we fell pregnant and now it is just worse. I thought about looking for something else but there isn’t much point. I have a good thing here – close to home, flexible, good hours, etc – so I need to make it work for me again. I would feel awful starting a new job only to try and have a baby straight away. Once we are ready there is no waiting for timing to be better, etc.

The house is almost ready. It should only be a few more weeks. We think another 2 weeks of actual work (finish tiling, electrical, plumbing, painting and paving), then two weeks for the builder to fix up anything we aren’t happy with and then get keys and then two weeks for painting and floors to go in. So *hopefully* six weeks until we can move in. At worst case we think it will be six weeks until we get keys and then another two for painting etc. We are certain to be in before Christmas. Ideally we will have keys late October.

I can’t wait for the house to be done. At the moment we are just waiting. I just need something I can focus on and put my energy into. Painting, unpacking, cleaning, gardening… anything.

I'm so very sorry to hear your news. There is no words of advice which will take the pain away - just don't do what I did and bottle it up. Each person goes through a different experience and that is Ok. I'm thinking of you at this time - hang in there.
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