Moving on

Gutted, empty, helpless is how I feel about now. I have no money, I have no certainty about my living arrangements, I don't feel rock bottom yet but I am dangling close and trying desperately not to get there by keeping a smile on my face and just "getting on with it". Except inside I'm not getting on with it, I haven't got on with it since this while mess started almost 2 years ago.

I've been alone for 7 months now. Things have happened, mixed messages have been received and my (****ing MY) olive branch was thrown back in my face but despite that I still held out hope we could be a family again, even up until yesterday.

It seems though that the lure of a younger model is too great and without any regard for my feelings it was broadcast quite publically that he has moved on and found someone new. When I say that it was a kick in the guts I almost mean literally, well that’s what it felt like when the photo popped up for all to see without warning. I feel sick, I can’t sleep and I feel jumpy although my body feels like all of its energy has been drained out.

My friends have been great, through everything they have been great, supportive of however I have been feeling and the plans I was making. Never once had they said a bad thing about him as they knew I didn’t want to hear it. Even after yesterday when they could have just blown up they didn't although I doubt he and I have mutual friends any more.

As much as I want to cry and scream I just can't. I feel angry but more so lost and so sad. All of my plans for the future gone, my dreams of travelling with him, exploring places I know he's wanted to go gone, sharing all of the amazing moments of the kids gone. At this point I can't imagine any future.

God I sound like a loser. As much as is looks like he has sent very to the point messages about where our marriage was headed he didn't. Days before Christmas he said that he wanted to move back in and to be a family again. Quite obviously he was too gutless to just say it - you and me are over. I don't love you any more, you are not what you once were, I have found someone better.

He's been O/S with her (well I assume with her, he was quite adamant that this trip was all work and he would not be seeing her but it was lies, all lies) for the past 3 weeks. He is due to arrive back in Aus next week but I'm not banking on it. If it were just me I would be happier if he just stayed there, I truly don't want to see him again. He is not the man I fell in love with and married, he is a stranger to me. But the heartbreak I would live with the kids would be more than I could bare. As it is Scarlett has been crying for him all day and I know the other two miss him terribly. For their sakes he had better come back.

So now all the worries that I have pushed aside have come rushing back, I will never hug or wake up with or crack a joke with him again. I will have to sell the house and possibly never own another home in my life. I will have watch every single dollar that comes into my life and the pressure to build up my business is enough for me to let it die and get a regular 9 to 5 job. Every Christmas, birthday and other special occasion will be up to me to make fantastic while I die more inside. It truly does mean the end of life as I knew it.

But now I will put that smile back on my face, show my kids that life is peachy and that they will always be loved and cared for, show my friends that need not worry about me or add extra stress to their lives and figure out how one does this moving on business.