Jump to content





Photo
- - - - -

A new year

Posted by MichelleM , 01 January 2011 · 95 views

So usually I do a year that was entry but looking back I didn't do that last year.  Probably should have because 2009 was a great year in hindsight, absolute no comparrasin to 2010 which was the worst year of my life!

Which I guess leads me to this entry, which I won't go from month to month, just the bits that mattered which I'm actually a bit scared about doing as I haven't actually written it all down yet.

FIRST SEMESTER:

So Febuary started off great, Brett's folks took us all to Bali for a week which was actually a great time exploring and just spending time with his family.  I know, crazy and I never thought I'd say it but anyway, we had fun and it was the last good time to be had last year.

Febuary or was it early March I get the second worse phone call a wife could imagine, Your husbands been in an accident and is being taken to hospital - no mention of what had happened, no mention of which hospital, I was just left hanging and had the kids all at home and ready to take to school/day care as it was TAFE day for me.  I got the kids ready and all dropped off with a cheery smile on my face and then fell apart.  Brett's Dad was a gem and found out the hospital which of course I raced to and all the way I heard news updates about this horrible accident and the police/fire/ambos in attendance and how they were freeing the trapped driver - this was his accident.  I arrived at the hospital at the same time as him and was kept away from him for AGES but when I finally got to see him all was fine - well better than I was imagining.  He was VERY lucky coming away with a broken collarbone and lots of cuts glued up around his face and arm.  Considering his face went through the window it could have been a lot worse.

Six weeks in a sling, pnumonia from complications from the accident and followup appointments later his back was screwed and he changed, a lot more grumpier which at the time I put down to the fright of the accident but it certainly could have been other things.

I also started TAFE in March doing photography.  After a lot of soul searching and money spent on HECS doing uni degrees (and not finishing them!) that weren't suited to me, I decided to throw caution to the wind /*and try something that I loved.  Funnily enough I enjoyed this course and stuck to it all the way to the end.  I really enjoyed the people and being able to speak photography all day to people who were actually interested!

Kids were doing well at this point, no dramas at school, relatively well behaved at home it was all good.  Infact, other than walking on egg shells trying to be calm around Brett, all was good.  I actually even enjoyed Brett's time at home, being able to go out with him during the week rather than the usual rush on Saturday mornings etc.  It was just he was pretty short tempered but I thought he would get over it as the effects of the accident wore off.

SEMESTER TWO: (SUCKED!)

Well, I went back to school still thinking all was good, all was calm and I was actually enjoying life, even thought that I had it all - the husband, the kids, the home, friends, what more could I have!

First week back I arrive home to Brett talking to some one on his computer, he shut down and I happily accepted that he was chatting to a friend.  He then popped out to the shops and while I was putting something away in his study I totally by accident without a word of a lie bumped his computer which bought up a msn conversation and the word lover jumped out at me.  At that point I almost died and everything fell into place, he was having an affair which explained his short temper, his alone time he seemed to have a lot etc.

I was crushed and confronted him when he got home.  He admitted it, didn't seem at all sorry and I had no idea where I stood.  I told one friend, the person I ran to when I found out but otherwise kept it all to myself as I was so embarrassed and confused and in shock.

We stayed as is for a few weeks, I had no idea what to do and it seems he didn't know what he wanted!  He then suggested counseling and I agreed thinking it was a positive step from him.  Now prior to this I always thought that infidelity was a instant case of marriage break up but living it I was so scared and confused and I couldnt leave.

I started seeing a psych who has been my saviour.  He kept me grounded, he made me look at my own life and I discovered that my perfect life wasn't really so perfect and that hurt and again scary.

I could go on and on about the next 3 months but in a nutshell:
He didn't know what he wanted
He said some extremely mean and horrible things to me about me
He kept in contact with her even though he said he hadn't
I caught every single bug that went around, I was constantly sick and looked like a wreck
I kept up with tafe but it was all half hearted - for a time there I was contemplating quiting as I knew being away from home all the time had contributed.
Kids started picking up the stress and were acting out
Scarlett got grommets and we found out that she has hearing loss (how I didn't know I'll never know)
My Grandfather died and, though we weren't super close, it really shook me
Any ounce of normality that I had been sturggling to keep together in my mind was breaking down and depression was rushing back in
My buisiness that only started this year by accident was picking up pace and I was working every weekend and the pressure to perform was killing me.
And after all of this I was some how the person responsible for all oif this, I made this all happen.

Let's just say that those 3 months sucked and by the eve of our 10th wedding anniversary, I had had enough and told him that I was leaving.  I was over being made to feel bad for all of my short comings, made to feel bad for daring to have ambitions and comprimising my life and morals sharing my husband with another woman.  My psych had continued to be my greatest support (only support) and really gave me the power to stand up and decide that I didn't want this for myself.

The morning of our anniversary, the last night we were going to spend together (not physically but geographically) he woke up and decided that he had really stuffed up and obviously through my fear of doing it all alone and the small residual amount of love I had left for hime I told him that he could have one more chance if he wanted.

Of course he took it and promised to change it all.  Short answer he didn't and life got even worse.  My psychological state was crap, my psych really was the only one keeping here on this earth.  Not only because of DH but tafe was putting extreme pressure on me (not only me but others were haing mental breakdowns of their own) and I was feeling like such a fraud in my business wiith so many clients, not enough time to service them all but I took on every job I was offered in fear that I would not get another.

I was seeing my psych weekly and each week I told him that I just couldn't stay another week, the lure of driving myself into a wall was getting harder and harder to resist.  Everything would have been much easier for everyone if I was out of the equation.

So I passed TAFE
The kids got through the end of school
I started feeling more confident about my life on this earth, maybe I should hang around for a little while longer.
Our health started improving (well until the week before Christmas where we all got the flu, tonsilitis and then gastro!).
With my psych I also realised some pretty heavy stuff from my childhood that I wont go into here but certainly does explain some of my issues.  I shared this with DH.

Once again I was going to leave him, he was clearly not putting in any effort and I knew he was still speaking with her.  I told him this Christmas eve - after Christmas that was it.

As soon as I told him this he grabbed my present and wanted me to open it which obviously I wasnt interested in doing but he insisted.  It was a perfect pair of diamond earings BUT there is no way I could wear them and told him for the millionth time that he couldn't buy me, that I wasn't interested in money and if he thought he could buy me with money I was nothing more than a postitute.  He said that things have changed. he understands how I must feel and that he wants to prove to me that things have changed if only we'll stay.  ****, what the **** do I do.  Seriously on paper it's obvious what I should do, I should get out of here as he will never change and his behaviour towards me in the past 5 months has been downright nasty and wrong.  

I really had hoped that by the new year things would be different, that I would know the direction of my life one way or the other.

I feel so flat today as nothing is resolved, things still suck and the fear of this year being as bad as last year is enough to have me run away Julia Roberts style in Eat Pray Love - btw a movie you should NOT watch when your life is sh*t!




Michelle I am so devastated for you. You will get through this. Sending you strength. xoxo
  • Report
Thank you so much for your comment, if only through the internet it's still comforting to know that some one has heard me, that some one hopes I get through this.  I guess I have to get through it if only for the kids, just need to find myself a back bone I think . . .
  • Report

Recent Entries

Recent Comments

Search My Blog

 

Sonia Kruger speaks of baby joy

Celebrity mum-to-be Sonia Kruger has spoken candidly about using donor eggs and IVF to fall pregnant at age 48.

Dressing to not impress: life through the eyes of a three-year-old

When it comes to getting dressed, my three-year-old has only one criterion: ?I don?t want to look beautiful.? And now I've worked out why.

Special nappies made with love for angel babies

Angel Baby Nappies make and provide tiny bereavement cloth nappies for pre-term stillborn babies and premature babies who pass away in the NICU.

Inside the brain of a tantruming toddler

What's going on in your child's mind in the lead-up to a tantrum? And what?s the best way to respond?

5 secrets to a long-lasting relationship

When it comes to keeping your relationship strong, it?s what you do - and not what you want - that really matters.

When 'furbabies' meet real babies

I am obsessed with my dogs, and can't imagine loving them any less once my baby arrives. But that doesn't stop everyone from telling me I will.

The least popular baby names of 2013

Looking for a baby name that?s nowhere near the top 10 ? or even the top 1000? Try the bottom five.

'I was so sleep deprived I crashed my car'

There are no laws regulating driving while tired, but statistics show that driver fatigue is one of the top three contributors to the road toll.

Why are there so few sexy maternity bras?

Rather than feeling ashamed of their post-baby bodies, women should be free to buy lingerie that makes them look attractive and pretty - no matter what stage of life they're in.

Toddler Alliyah one step closer to first trip home

She has lived the first 14 months of her life in a hospital intensive care unit, but Alliyah Broadby's parents hope to finally take their little girl home with them.

'Put people before IVF profits': IVF pioneer Alan Trounson

IVF could be done for hundreds of dollars in Australia instead of $8500 if clinics stopped charging what ''the market will handle'', a pioneer of the technology says.

Expectant parents urged to swap the pub for bub

Nearly one in five women drink while pregnant, but a current campaign is trying to drive down that unhealthy statistic.

Nutella supplies threatened by bad weather

There's bad news for fans of Nutella, the gooey, chocolatey hazelnut spread.

The cost of growing your own vegies

Does it make financial sense to grow your own veggies, or are you better off ordering produce from the local food co-op?

Breastfeeding mums less likely to suffer from PND, but all need support

A new study has shown the a complex relationship between a mother?s intention to breastfeed, her ability to do so, and postnatal depression.

The #loveyourlines Instagram account taking on body issues

A new Instagram account, LoveYourLines, has put the call out for to change the way we view stretch marks.

Mum gets diploma 51 years after being thrown out of school over pregnancy

Sandra Lantz was about six months pregnant and four months from graduation when she was forced to leave high school. Now, more than half a century later, she has finally graduated.

The lowdown on male midwives

How would you feel about having a male midwife assist your baby's birth? For a growing number of mums, the idea is a reality - and the experts all agree that it's something that should be encouraged.

Bomb threat at daycare centre

Worried parents took to social media yesterday after their children's daycare was evacuated due to a bomb threat.

Unusual celebrity baby names

Celebrities love to use their imaginations when it comes to naming their kids! Here's a gallery of some of the most memorable monikers in show biz families.

5 fears I've overcome since becoming a mum

Motherhood has a way of putting any phobias you had pre-parenthood into perspective: you either realise they?re a pointless waste of energy or they simply vanish in a sleep-deprived haze.

Mums review the Dymples range from Big W

The Big W Dymples range offers parents a vast selection of quality products to keep their little ones happy and healthy. We asked the Real Mums Test Drive team to review some items - here's what they said.

Recall: Another cot deemed unsafe

Parents are being warned to check their baby's cot is not one of those which have been recalled in recent weeks due to safety concerns.

The truth about breastfeeding and weightloss

Celebrities often state that their post-baby weight loss is down to breastfeeding, and breastfeeding alone. But that's not the reality for all women.

10 weird things little kids do

Most kids have their own personal brand of oddity. It's usually nothing to worry about, but every now and again you might find yourself scratching your head and asking, ?Really? Is that really a thing??

The app that helps detect signs of autism

Parents can assess their children's progress at critical developmental stages, thanks to this new app.

Win back some precious time and get FREE coupons

Membership to eBay's Bubs? Corner is free and includes a $10 coupon to spend on nappies each month - a win for multitasking mums!

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win back some precious time and get FREE coupons

Membership to eBay's Bubs? Corner is free and includes a $10 coupon to spend on nappies each month - a win for multitasking mums!

Do you suffer from Precious Firstborn Syndrome?

Testing ?no more tears? shampoo in your own eyes, warming cucumber sticks so they're not cold straight from the fridge, waking a sleeping baby to check they?re still breathing: these are all symptoms of Precious Firstborn Syndrome.

Ezra's tragic death not in vain, mum says

Little Ezra was a "Harry Houdini" who loved trying to escape the family home. Now, after his tragic death, his parents are doing what they can to help others.

7 mistakes old hands make with new babies

As I sat across the table from my friend ? me, a seasoned mother of three; her, a brand new mum ? I thought of all the mistakes an old-hand parent can make when visiting a newborn baby.

Video: When adults act like children

Ever wondered what would happen if adults were allowed to act like children? This dad's hilarious video clip will give you an idea of what life would be like.

Mums hit hardest as flu cases skyrocket

The number of confirmed cases of influenza in Australia has doubled the number for the same time last year - and women are 25 per cent more likely to get it.

The mum who had four babies in nine months

Feeling exhausted due to the demands of caring for a baby? Imagine the life of this mum, who gave birth to three boys and one girl in just nine months.

Everything baby at Big W

Lowest prices on everything baby, only at Big W. Sale starts August 4 and ends August 20 2014.

Smiggle is painting the town red!

We have 3 Red Smiggle prize packs to give away! Enter by posting a photo of something red to your Instagram.

Mum gives birth at school

She went to a doctor complaining of stomach pains, then had an unexpected operation to remove a decades-old fetus.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

 

Mind, body, beauty, life

Making time for me

We look at your wellbeing, covering health, relationships, beauty and fashion, mind and body.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.