Jump to content





Photo
- - - - -

A new year

Posted by MichelleM , 01 January 2011 · 318 views

So usually I do a year that was entry but looking back I didn't do that last year.  Probably should have because 2009 was a great year in hindsight, absolute no comparrasin to 2010 which was the worst year of my life!

Which I guess leads me to this entry, which I won't go from month to month, just the bits that mattered which I'm actually a bit scared about doing as I haven't actually written it all down yet.

FIRST SEMESTER:

So Febuary started off great, Brett's folks took us all to Bali for a week which was actually a great time exploring and just spending time with his family.  I know, crazy and I never thought I'd say it but anyway, we had fun and it was the last good time to be had last year.

Febuary or was it early March I get the second worse phone call a wife could imagine, Your husbands been in an accident and is being taken to hospital - no mention of what had happened, no mention of which hospital, I was just left hanging and had the kids all at home and ready to take to school/day care as it was TAFE day for me.  I got the kids ready and all dropped off with a cheery smile on my face and then fell apart.  Brett's Dad was a gem and found out the hospital which of course I raced to and all the way I heard news updates about this horrible accident and the police/fire/ambos in attendance and how they were freeing the trapped driver - this was his accident.  I arrived at the hospital at the same time as him and was kept away from him for AGES but when I finally got to see him all was fine - well better than I was imagining.  He was VERY lucky coming away with a broken collarbone and lots of cuts glued up around his face and arm.  Considering his face went through the window it could have been a lot worse.

Six weeks in a sling, pnumonia from complications from the accident and followup appointments later his back was screwed and he changed, a lot more grumpier which at the time I put down to the fright of the accident but it certainly could have been other things.

I also started TAFE in March doing photography.  After a lot of soul searching and money spent on HECS doing uni degrees (and not finishing them!) that weren't suited to me, I decided to throw caution to the wind /*and try something that I loved.  Funnily enough I enjoyed this course and stuck to it all the way to the end.  I really enjoyed the people and being able to speak photography all day to people who were actually interested!

Kids were doing well at this point, no dramas at school, relatively well behaved at home it was all good.  Infact, other than walking on egg shells trying to be calm around Brett, all was good.  I actually even enjoyed Brett's time at home, being able to go out with him during the week rather than the usual rush on Saturday mornings etc.  It was just he was pretty short tempered but I thought he would get over it as the effects of the accident wore off.

SEMESTER TWO: (SUCKED!)

Well, I went back to school still thinking all was good, all was calm and I was actually enjoying life, even thought that I had it all - the husband, the kids, the home, friends, what more could I have!

First week back I arrive home to Brett talking to some one on his computer, he shut down and I happily accepted that he was chatting to a friend.  He then popped out to the shops and while I was putting something away in his study I totally by accident without a word of a lie bumped his computer which bought up a msn conversation and the word lover jumped out at me.  At that point I almost died and everything fell into place, he was having an affair which explained his short temper, his alone time he seemed to have a lot etc.

I was crushed and confronted him when he got home.  He admitted it, didn't seem at all sorry and I had no idea where I stood.  I told one friend, the person I ran to when I found out but otherwise kept it all to myself as I was so embarrassed and confused and in shock.

We stayed as is for a few weeks, I had no idea what to do and it seems he didn't know what he wanted!  He then suggested counseling and I agreed thinking it was a positive step from him.  Now prior to this I always thought that infidelity was a instant case of marriage break up but living it I was so scared and confused and I couldnt leave.

I started seeing a psych who has been my saviour.  He kept me grounded, he made me look at my own life and I discovered that my perfect life wasn't really so perfect and that hurt and again scary.

I could go on and on about the next 3 months but in a nutshell:
He didn't know what he wanted
He said some extremely mean and horrible things to me about me
He kept in contact with her even though he said he hadn't
I caught every single bug that went around, I was constantly sick and looked like a wreck
I kept up with tafe but it was all half hearted - for a time there I was contemplating quiting as I knew being away from home all the time had contributed.
Kids started picking up the stress and were acting out
Scarlett got grommets and we found out that she has hearing loss (how I didn't know I'll never know)
My Grandfather died and, though we weren't super close, it really shook me
Any ounce of normality that I had been sturggling to keep together in my mind was breaking down and depression was rushing back in
My buisiness that only started this year by accident was picking up pace and I was working every weekend and the pressure to perform was killing me.
And after all of this I was some how the person responsible for all oif this, I made this all happen.

Let's just say that those 3 months sucked and by the eve of our 10th wedding anniversary, I had had enough and told him that I was leaving.  I was over being made to feel bad for all of my short comings, made to feel bad for daring to have ambitions and comprimising my life and morals sharing my husband with another woman.  My psych had continued to be my greatest support (only support) and really gave me the power to stand up and decide that I didn't want this for myself.

The morning of our anniversary, the last night we were going to spend together (not physically but geographically) he woke up and decided that he had really stuffed up and obviously through my fear of doing it all alone and the small residual amount of love I had left for hime I told him that he could have one more chance if he wanted.

Of course he took it and promised to change it all.  Short answer he didn't and life got even worse.  My psychological state was crap, my psych really was the only one keeping here on this earth.  Not only because of DH but tafe was putting extreme pressure on me (not only me but others were haing mental breakdowns of their own) and I was feeling like such a fraud in my business wiith so many clients, not enough time to service them all but I took on every job I was offered in fear that I would not get another.

I was seeing my psych weekly and each week I told him that I just couldn't stay another week, the lure of driving myself into a wall was getting harder and harder to resist.  Everything would have been much easier for everyone if I was out of the equation.

So I passed TAFE
The kids got through the end of school
I started feeling more confident about my life on this earth, maybe I should hang around for a little while longer.
Our health started improving (well until the week before Christmas where we all got the flu, tonsilitis and then gastro!).
With my psych I also realised some pretty heavy stuff from my childhood that I wont go into here but certainly does explain some of my issues.  I shared this with DH.

Once again I was going to leave him, he was clearly not putting in any effort and I knew he was still speaking with her.  I told him this Christmas eve - after Christmas that was it.

As soon as I told him this he grabbed my present and wanted me to open it which obviously I wasnt interested in doing but he insisted.  It was a perfect pair of diamond earings BUT there is no way I could wear them and told him for the millionth time that he couldn't buy me, that I wasn't interested in money and if he thought he could buy me with money I was nothing more than a postitute.  He said that things have changed. he understands how I must feel and that he wants to prove to me that things have changed if only we'll stay.  ****, what the **** do I do.  Seriously on paper it's obvious what I should do, I should get out of here as he will never change and his behaviour towards me in the past 5 months has been downright nasty and wrong.  

I really had hoped that by the new year things would be different, that I would know the direction of my life one way or the other.

I feel so flat today as nothing is resolved, things still suck and the fear of this year being as bad as last year is enough to have me run away Julia Roberts style in Eat Pray Love - btw a movie you should NOT watch when your life is sh*t!




Michelle I am so devastated for you. You will get through this. Sending you strength. xoxo
  • Report
Thank you so much for your comment, if only through the internet it's still comforting to know that some one has heard me, that some one hopes I get through this.  I guess I have to get through it if only for the kids, just need to find myself a back bone I think . . .
  • Report

Recent Entries

Recent Comments

Search My Blog

 

Decluttering before Christmas: tips for managing the toy influx

Deciding how many toys you want to keep and enforcing a limit can help manage the sheer volume of playthings.

86-year-old taught himself to knit, now makes caps for premature babies

'Anything is possible if you put your mind to it' might just be the motto of 86 year-old retiree, Ed Moseley who despite his age and abilities has been gifting handmade knitted caps to premature babies.

Want healthy kids? Let them play in the mud, feed them allergenic foods - and get a dog

If you read about children's health, you've heard a lot of this before.

Photo captures mum's shock at delivery room surprise

Life can be full of surprises, but for this couple a surprise came in a very unexpected way.

Baby's family in law suit over RAAF base chemicals

A 10-month-old baby has been exposed to significant levels of toxic chemicals around a RAAF base near Newcastle, say his parents.

Childcare worker investigated after threatening toddler's mother

An early childhood teacher has been censured for serious misconduct after she threatened the mother of a young child.

Scottish baby names

Scotland, the wind and water-hewn land of the loch, the kilt and the heather. Bedecked in castles great and small, there are many Australians with Scottish heritage who could look to that fair country for baby name inspiration.

Do we need more parking spaces for parents?

The Give Me Space campaign is collecting stories from mums who have had difficult experiences while trying to find safe parking.

Gender neutral parenting: what it's really like

If you want to take a leaf out of Clare's book in gender neutral parenting, her advice is simple: "Follow the children's lead, and you can't go wrong."

The vital question no parent wants to think about

Since becoming a mother I sometimes wonder what would happen to my babies if their dad and I both died.

6 parents to stop judging right now

It's worth looking a little more closely at some common parenting missteps. Could it be these mums and dads are really just like you and me?

Ryan Reynolds shares delivery room tips for expectant dads

If your partner is heading to the delivery room any time soon, you've got to see Ryan Reynolds' video on dealing with the intricacies of the delivery room.

The trials and tribulations of teenage mums, 10 years later

Having her first baby at 16 was a shock for Simone Miller, but it's not something she regrets.

Grandma falls head over heels for baby - literally

Usually Valerie Sharp's plan to put her granddaughter into her cot works just fine, but when things go wrong it is hilarious.

My toddler wants all my attention all of the time - help!

This is a stage, and you and she will move through it. I can (almost) promise it.

Cotton On KIDS' cute new baby prewalker shoes

Oh watch out folks, Cotton On KIDS' baby range has just become even cuter with the release of its first ever prewalker shoe collection.

Why I love the superhero phase

My twins are heading towards three and have officially entered the superhero phase. It happened almost overnight.

I'm caught in a 'mumpetition' with my friend and I'm losing it

My best friend and I had children within a year of each other. She thinks her child is God's gift to the world.

A year of motherhood: my survival story

Motherhood burns you down, but it rebuilds you too.

Five traps to be aware of when reading IVF clinic websites

Clinics provide IVF success rates in often confusing ways because there is no agreed format on how this information should be presented.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

What pregnancy is really like: mums share their honest opinions

We asked real women what surprised them during their pregnancy. They've shared their experiences in the hope of preparing the rest of us better for the ride

The truth about big-headed babies

Research suggests that big headed babies become more intelligent than their smaller peers. One mum shares the positives and negatives of having a big headed baby.

How to encourage your baby's gross motor development skills

There are some everyday things that parents can do to improve gross motor skills and coordination.

'My baby's extra thumb saved her life'

A mum whose daughter was born with an extra thumb says that the extra digit saved her life.

He gave her his liver, she gave him her heart

Heather Krueger and Chris Dempsey's origin story began in a darker place than most: with stage 4 liver cancer.

Toilet training from birth? It is possible

This method, called elimination communication (EC or assisted infant toilet training), is becoming increasingly popular in the West.

Watch hilarious montage of strangest pregnancy questions on Yahoo Answers

Some of the strangest questions about pregnancy - and some of the most bizarre spelling - have made for a hilarious video.

How to reduce your chances of perineal tearing in birth

The use of heat packs, along with other aspects of clinical care, can reduce your risk of tearing in birth.

 

Baby Names

Unusual Celeb Baby Names

Click through the gallery to read the details and see some of the most memorable monikers in show biz families.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.