Jump to content





Photo
- - - - -

A new year

Posted by MichelleM , 01 January 2011 · 171 views

So usually I do a year that was entry but looking back I didn't do that last year.  Probably should have because 2009 was a great year in hindsight, absolute no comparrasin to 2010 which was the worst year of my life!

Which I guess leads me to this entry, which I won't go from month to month, just the bits that mattered which I'm actually a bit scared about doing as I haven't actually written it all down yet.

FIRST SEMESTER:

So Febuary started off great, Brett's folks took us all to Bali for a week which was actually a great time exploring and just spending time with his family.  I know, crazy and I never thought I'd say it but anyway, we had fun and it was the last good time to be had last year.

Febuary or was it early March I get the second worse phone call a wife could imagine, Your husbands been in an accident and is being taken to hospital - no mention of what had happened, no mention of which hospital, I was just left hanging and had the kids all at home and ready to take to school/day care as it was TAFE day for me.  I got the kids ready and all dropped off with a cheery smile on my face and then fell apart.  Brett's Dad was a gem and found out the hospital which of course I raced to and all the way I heard news updates about this horrible accident and the police/fire/ambos in attendance and how they were freeing the trapped driver - this was his accident.  I arrived at the hospital at the same time as him and was kept away from him for AGES but when I finally got to see him all was fine - well better than I was imagining.  He was VERY lucky coming away with a broken collarbone and lots of cuts glued up around his face and arm.  Considering his face went through the window it could have been a lot worse.

Six weeks in a sling, pnumonia from complications from the accident and followup appointments later his back was screwed and he changed, a lot more grumpier which at the time I put down to the fright of the accident but it certainly could have been other things.

I also started TAFE in March doing photography.  After a lot of soul searching and money spent on HECS doing uni degrees (and not finishing them!) that weren't suited to me, I decided to throw caution to the wind /*and try something that I loved.  Funnily enough I enjoyed this course and stuck to it all the way to the end.  I really enjoyed the people and being able to speak photography all day to people who were actually interested!

Kids were doing well at this point, no dramas at school, relatively well behaved at home it was all good.  Infact, other than walking on egg shells trying to be calm around Brett, all was good.  I actually even enjoyed Brett's time at home, being able to go out with him during the week rather than the usual rush on Saturday mornings etc.  It was just he was pretty short tempered but I thought he would get over it as the effects of the accident wore off.

SEMESTER TWO: (SUCKED!)

Well, I went back to school still thinking all was good, all was calm and I was actually enjoying life, even thought that I had it all - the husband, the kids, the home, friends, what more could I have!

First week back I arrive home to Brett talking to some one on his computer, he shut down and I happily accepted that he was chatting to a friend.  He then popped out to the shops and while I was putting something away in his study I totally by accident without a word of a lie bumped his computer which bought up a msn conversation and the word lover jumped out at me.  At that point I almost died and everything fell into place, he was having an affair which explained his short temper, his alone time he seemed to have a lot etc.

I was crushed and confronted him when he got home.  He admitted it, didn't seem at all sorry and I had no idea where I stood.  I told one friend, the person I ran to when I found out but otherwise kept it all to myself as I was so embarrassed and confused and in shock.

We stayed as is for a few weeks, I had no idea what to do and it seems he didn't know what he wanted!  He then suggested counseling and I agreed thinking it was a positive step from him.  Now prior to this I always thought that infidelity was a instant case of marriage break up but living it I was so scared and confused and I couldnt leave.

I started seeing a psych who has been my saviour.  He kept me grounded, he made me look at my own life and I discovered that my perfect life wasn't really so perfect and that hurt and again scary.

I could go on and on about the next 3 months but in a nutshell:
He didn't know what he wanted
He said some extremely mean and horrible things to me about me
He kept in contact with her even though he said he hadn't
I caught every single bug that went around, I was constantly sick and looked like a wreck
I kept up with tafe but it was all half hearted - for a time there I was contemplating quiting as I knew being away from home all the time had contributed.
Kids started picking up the stress and were acting out
Scarlett got grommets and we found out that she has hearing loss (how I didn't know I'll never know)
My Grandfather died and, though we weren't super close, it really shook me
Any ounce of normality that I had been sturggling to keep together in my mind was breaking down and depression was rushing back in
My buisiness that only started this year by accident was picking up pace and I was working every weekend and the pressure to perform was killing me.
And after all of this I was some how the person responsible for all oif this, I made this all happen.

Let's just say that those 3 months sucked and by the eve of our 10th wedding anniversary, I had had enough and told him that I was leaving.  I was over being made to feel bad for all of my short comings, made to feel bad for daring to have ambitions and comprimising my life and morals sharing my husband with another woman.  My psych had continued to be my greatest support (only support) and really gave me the power to stand up and decide that I didn't want this for myself.

The morning of our anniversary, the last night we were going to spend together (not physically but geographically) he woke up and decided that he had really stuffed up and obviously through my fear of doing it all alone and the small residual amount of love I had left for hime I told him that he could have one more chance if he wanted.

Of course he took it and promised to change it all.  Short answer he didn't and life got even worse.  My psychological state was crap, my psych really was the only one keeping here on this earth.  Not only because of DH but tafe was putting extreme pressure on me (not only me but others were haing mental breakdowns of their own) and I was feeling like such a fraud in my business wiith so many clients, not enough time to service them all but I took on every job I was offered in fear that I would not get another.

I was seeing my psych weekly and each week I told him that I just couldn't stay another week, the lure of driving myself into a wall was getting harder and harder to resist.  Everything would have been much easier for everyone if I was out of the equation.

So I passed TAFE
The kids got through the end of school
I started feeling more confident about my life on this earth, maybe I should hang around for a little while longer.
Our health started improving (well until the week before Christmas where we all got the flu, tonsilitis and then gastro!).
With my psych I also realised some pretty heavy stuff from my childhood that I wont go into here but certainly does explain some of my issues.  I shared this with DH.

Once again I was going to leave him, he was clearly not putting in any effort and I knew he was still speaking with her.  I told him this Christmas eve - after Christmas that was it.

As soon as I told him this he grabbed my present and wanted me to open it which obviously I wasnt interested in doing but he insisted.  It was a perfect pair of diamond earings BUT there is no way I could wear them and told him for the millionth time that he couldn't buy me, that I wasn't interested in money and if he thought he could buy me with money I was nothing more than a postitute.  He said that things have changed. he understands how I must feel and that he wants to prove to me that things have changed if only we'll stay.  ****, what the **** do I do.  Seriously on paper it's obvious what I should do, I should get out of here as he will never change and his behaviour towards me in the past 5 months has been downright nasty and wrong.  

I really had hoped that by the new year things would be different, that I would know the direction of my life one way or the other.

I feel so flat today as nothing is resolved, things still suck and the fear of this year being as bad as last year is enough to have me run away Julia Roberts style in Eat Pray Love - btw a movie you should NOT watch when your life is sh*t!




Michelle I am so devastated for you. You will get through this. Sending you strength. xoxo
  • Report
Thank you so much for your comment, if only through the internet it's still comforting to know that some one has heard me, that some one hopes I get through this.  I guess I have to get through it if only for the kids, just need to find myself a back bone I think . . .
  • Report

Recent Entries

Recent Comments

Search My Blog

 

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler ticket!

Get your free tickets to the Sydney The Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27! Register online for your free ticket now!

A solo birth, a wasp swarm and a forest fire: mum and baby's amazing story of survival

Desperate, out of petrol and low on food, a new mother lit a fire in the hope of attracting attention.

Boy found on swing died of hypothermia and dehydration, autopsy finds

The story was chilling and heartbreaking: a three-year-old boy was found dead in a Southern Maryland park, his mother pushing him on the swing.

Child's play and laughter help battle fatigue

Feeling fatigued? Uh-huh, thought as much. Join the queue.

Dad shares entertaining 'how to hold a baby' clip

For many new dads, their own child is the first baby they have ever held. So one dad has posted an instructive YouTube video titled "How to Hold a Baby".

The Australian baby with 100,000 Facebook fans

She may be only eight months old, but Egypt has already amassed more than 100,000 fans and received a letter from royalty - Hollywood royalty that is.

Public welcome outside church for Princess Charlotte's christening

Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have invited well-wishers to see Princess Charlotte outside church in Sandringham on day of her baptism.

Tongue tie: what you need to know

Tongue and lip tie can lead to many problems for babies - and their parents. Here are the signs of tongue tie and how it's treated.

My daughter is small but that doesn't matter

My daughter may be small, but it's my job as her parent to refocus back where it belongs - on who she is as a person

Wet wipes linked to rise in allergic reactions

The government has issued a health warning after a rise in allergic skin reactions has been linked to a preservative found in some wet wipes.

Gay couple in their 80s first to wed in Dallas after Supreme Court ruling

Love may have won, but it came with quite the wait.

William Tyrrell's family marks birthday with cake and renewed appeal

The family of missing boy William Tyrrell will mark his fourth birthday on Friday making a cake to share with friends and family as NSW police renewed their public appeal for information on his disappearance.

What all parents should know about safe babywearing

A picture of Ryan Reynolds always gets the girls talking, and a recently shared photo has done exactly that - but this time, it's for all the wrong reasons.

Baby's head shape reveals potentially fatal condition

Thinking her baby just had an unusually shaped head, a mother was shocked to discover it was instead linked to a dangerous condition.

'Help - my toddler hits me!'

My toddler has started hitting when he gets frustrated, is feeling ignored, or just thinks it might be fun.

Why IVF success rates may not be what you think

Transparency, accountability and responsibilityare essential measures to protect IVF vulnerable patients.

On the 10th anniversary of my son's death

This day marks a significant day. Today marks 10 years since I lost my son Kai.

Mother-in-law 'from hell' inspires survival guide

The happily ever after Nicola Milan had imagined wasn't to be – and she blames her mother-in-law.

Name your baby Quinoa, win a $10K gift card

Choosing a name for your little bundle of joy is always a major decision. It can be something traditional, trendy, creative … or inspired by the menu of your favourite chain restaurant.

Owning a pair of nail scissors does not make me a hairdresser

It's been a whole year since sleeping in until 10am. A whole year since having a peaceful shower.

The 83 children who were tragically let down in the last decade

Over a 10-year period, 83 children died from domestic violence abuse in NSW, with three quarters of the victims aged five years or under, the NSW Ombudsman has revealed.

Expert Q&A: Gross motor skill development in toddlers and preschoolers

Dr Katie Heathershaw answers questions about jumping, toe walking, riding a bike and being pigeon toed.

WIN A $500 VISA DEBIT CARD

Are you a parent, or are you planning to be? Tell us what you think and you'll go in the draw to win a $500 gift card!

Is it reasonable to expect your partner to give up drinking in pregnancy?

From the moment that I fell pregnant with my son, I realised just how much my life had already started to change.

Stroke victim joins class action against makers of popular contraceptive pill

"I was terrified I would always be this way. The pill needs to come with a much higher warning."

Sexy time

Why you should get excited about scheduling sex

Unfortunately, the belief that sex should always be spontaneous is a myth. It just isn't.

When newborn photoshoots get messy

When it comes to newborn photoshoots, it is all about the timing.

Orphaned baby daughter Ayla wakes from coma

Former All Black Jerry Collins' critically injured orphaned daughter has awoken from her coma and is able to bottle-feed.

Dad takes miraculous catch while feeding baby

One American father has taken multitasking to a new level at a Cubs-Dodgers baseball game at Wrigley Field.

'Samuel is our firstborn, and he will never be forgotten'

Having lost their firstborn at one day old, the Carrolls were overjoyed to welcome their daughter Isobel into the world a year later.

Channel 10's Sarah Harris expecting first child

The Studio host Sarah Harris doesn't mind if her first baby is a boy or girl, but she does hope it is born with one thing in particular.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

27 funny ultrasound pictures

Ultrasounds give you a look at your growing baby ... and sometimes what appears to their womb-buddy, or your bub in an amusing position.

The top 6 misleading parenting terms

From 'morning sickness' to 'the terrible twos', there are many parenting terms that are misleading.

When 'good' nannies go bad

While most nannies take pride in their work, there can be some who have a hidden side.

Woman hospitalised for skinny jeans injury

Beware: skinny jeans might be bad for your health.

Gauze seeding: the bacteria-breeding birth trend

A number of women having caesarean deliveries are now taking steps to give their baby a better 'microbiome' start in life.

Jimmy Fallon writes new children's book for dads

Jimmy Fallon, host of NBC's The Tonight Show, recently wrote a children's book about every father's secret wish for their baby's first word to be "dada" - not "mama".

28 names for babies born in winter

Looking for some baby name inspiration for a bub born during the colder months? Here are 28 options from around the world to consider.

The horrible act that sparked a brawl at child's birthday party

The uncle of the seven-year-old girl at the centre of the brawl at child's birthday party in Sydney's west has described the events leading up to the alarming show of violence.

Babies 'benefit from iPads at a young age': study

More often than not, you'll read that screen time for children should be kept to a minimum - but some scientists are now challenging this way of thinking.

Do mums really just obsessively talk about their children?

Natalie Reilly describes three main types of conversations mothers have. And, surprise, they're not all about kids.

Why some dogs might attack babies or young kids

A baby's smell, the noises it makes and even its gaze can contribute to the potential for a dog attack.

Mum demands refund for 'beargina' christening cake

It was meant to be a tasteful cake to help celebrate a three-year-old's christening.

5 things no one warns you about after giving birth

How many times have you been warned about all the sleepless nights you have to 'look forward to' when you become a parent?

Police officer sang nursery rhyme as heartbreaking photo was taken

A police officer arrived at a devastating scene on Thursday: a car crash resulting in all passengers being thrown from the vehicle.

Don't worry, working mums: Just leave Dad in charge at home

Want to open the boardroom doors for women? Encourage - heck, praise - dads who stay home with their children.

Hilaria Baldwin shares post-baby selfie

Just two days after giving birth, actor Alec Balwin's wife posted a post-baby picture on social media.

'Help - my child won't ever do what I ask!'

Compliance is part of the parent-child relationship, but so is resistance. It's all natural.

Postnatal depression support gets $23 million boost in NSW

The Baird government will include $22.8 million in Tuesday's NSW budget to expand a program designed to help parents at risk of postnatal depression (PND).

'I'm just as tired, scared and stressed as you': stay-at-home dad's plea

I'm really lucky to have two great kids, but I found it really tough with so much being aimed at the mothers and not the fathers.

 

Win $500

WIN A $500 VISA DEBIT CARD

Are you are parent or planning to be? We want to know what you think - let us know and you'll be in the draw to win a $500 gift card.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.