Jump to content





Photo
- - - - -

A new year

Posted by MichelleM , 01 January 2011 · 347 views

So usually I do a year that was entry but looking back I didn't do that last year.  Probably should have because 2009 was a great year in hindsight, absolute no comparrasin to 2010 which was the worst year of my life!

Which I guess leads me to this entry, which I won't go from month to month, just the bits that mattered which I'm actually a bit scared about doing as I haven't actually written it all down yet.

FIRST SEMESTER:

So Febuary started off great, Brett's folks took us all to Bali for a week which was actually a great time exploring and just spending time with his family.  I know, crazy and I never thought I'd say it but anyway, we had fun and it was the last good time to be had last year.

Febuary or was it early March I get the second worse phone call a wife could imagine, Your husbands been in an accident and is being taken to hospital - no mention of what had happened, no mention of which hospital, I was just left hanging and had the kids all at home and ready to take to school/day care as it was TAFE day for me.  I got the kids ready and all dropped off with a cheery smile on my face and then fell apart.  Brett's Dad was a gem and found out the hospital which of course I raced to and all the way I heard news updates about this horrible accident and the police/fire/ambos in attendance and how they were freeing the trapped driver - this was his accident.  I arrived at the hospital at the same time as him and was kept away from him for AGES but when I finally got to see him all was fine - well better than I was imagining.  He was VERY lucky coming away with a broken collarbone and lots of cuts glued up around his face and arm.  Considering his face went through the window it could have been a lot worse.

Six weeks in a sling, pnumonia from complications from the accident and followup appointments later his back was screwed and he changed, a lot more grumpier which at the time I put down to the fright of the accident but it certainly could have been other things.

I also started TAFE in March doing photography.  After a lot of soul searching and money spent on HECS doing uni degrees (and not finishing them!) that weren't suited to me, I decided to throw caution to the wind /*and try something that I loved.  Funnily enough I enjoyed this course and stuck to it all the way to the end.  I really enjoyed the people and being able to speak photography all day to people who were actually interested!

Kids were doing well at this point, no dramas at school, relatively well behaved at home it was all good.  Infact, other than walking on egg shells trying to be calm around Brett, all was good.  I actually even enjoyed Brett's time at home, being able to go out with him during the week rather than the usual rush on Saturday mornings etc.  It was just he was pretty short tempered but I thought he would get over it as the effects of the accident wore off.

SEMESTER TWO: (SUCKED!)

Well, I went back to school still thinking all was good, all was calm and I was actually enjoying life, even thought that I had it all - the husband, the kids, the home, friends, what more could I have!

First week back I arrive home to Brett talking to some one on his computer, he shut down and I happily accepted that he was chatting to a friend.  He then popped out to the shops and while I was putting something away in his study I totally by accident without a word of a lie bumped his computer which bought up a msn conversation and the word lover jumped out at me.  At that point I almost died and everything fell into place, he was having an affair which explained his short temper, his alone time he seemed to have a lot etc.

I was crushed and confronted him when he got home.  He admitted it, didn't seem at all sorry and I had no idea where I stood.  I told one friend, the person I ran to when I found out but otherwise kept it all to myself as I was so embarrassed and confused and in shock.

We stayed as is for a few weeks, I had no idea what to do and it seems he didn't know what he wanted!  He then suggested counseling and I agreed thinking it was a positive step from him.  Now prior to this I always thought that infidelity was a instant case of marriage break up but living it I was so scared and confused and I couldnt leave.

I started seeing a psych who has been my saviour.  He kept me grounded, he made me look at my own life and I discovered that my perfect life wasn't really so perfect and that hurt and again scary.

I could go on and on about the next 3 months but in a nutshell:
He didn't know what he wanted
He said some extremely mean and horrible things to me about me
He kept in contact with her even though he said he hadn't
I caught every single bug that went around, I was constantly sick and looked like a wreck
I kept up with tafe but it was all half hearted - for a time there I was contemplating quiting as I knew being away from home all the time had contributed.
Kids started picking up the stress and were acting out
Scarlett got grommets and we found out that she has hearing loss (how I didn't know I'll never know)
My Grandfather died and, though we weren't super close, it really shook me
Any ounce of normality that I had been sturggling to keep together in my mind was breaking down and depression was rushing back in
My buisiness that only started this year by accident was picking up pace and I was working every weekend and the pressure to perform was killing me.
And after all of this I was some how the person responsible for all oif this, I made this all happen.

Let's just say that those 3 months sucked and by the eve of our 10th wedding anniversary, I had had enough and told him that I was leaving.  I was over being made to feel bad for all of my short comings, made to feel bad for daring to have ambitions and comprimising my life and morals sharing my husband with another woman.  My psych had continued to be my greatest support (only support) and really gave me the power to stand up and decide that I didn't want this for myself.

The morning of our anniversary, the last night we were going to spend together (not physically but geographically) he woke up and decided that he had really stuffed up and obviously through my fear of doing it all alone and the small residual amount of love I had left for hime I told him that he could have one more chance if he wanted.

Of course he took it and promised to change it all.  Short answer he didn't and life got even worse.  My psychological state was crap, my psych really was the only one keeping here on this earth.  Not only because of DH but tafe was putting extreme pressure on me (not only me but others were haing mental breakdowns of their own) and I was feeling like such a fraud in my business wiith so many clients, not enough time to service them all but I took on every job I was offered in fear that I would not get another.

I was seeing my psych weekly and each week I told him that I just couldn't stay another week, the lure of driving myself into a wall was getting harder and harder to resist.  Everything would have been much easier for everyone if I was out of the equation.

So I passed TAFE
The kids got through the end of school
I started feeling more confident about my life on this earth, maybe I should hang around for a little while longer.
Our health started improving (well until the week before Christmas where we all got the flu, tonsilitis and then gastro!).
With my psych I also realised some pretty heavy stuff from my childhood that I wont go into here but certainly does explain some of my issues.  I shared this with DH.

Once again I was going to leave him, he was clearly not putting in any effort and I knew he was still speaking with her.  I told him this Christmas eve - after Christmas that was it.

As soon as I told him this he grabbed my present and wanted me to open it which obviously I wasnt interested in doing but he insisted.  It was a perfect pair of diamond earings BUT there is no way I could wear them and told him for the millionth time that he couldn't buy me, that I wasn't interested in money and if he thought he could buy me with money I was nothing more than a postitute.  He said that things have changed. he understands how I must feel and that he wants to prove to me that things have changed if only we'll stay.  ****, what the **** do I do.  Seriously on paper it's obvious what I should do, I should get out of here as he will never change and his behaviour towards me in the past 5 months has been downright nasty and wrong.  

I really had hoped that by the new year things would be different, that I would know the direction of my life one way or the other.

I feel so flat today as nothing is resolved, things still suck and the fear of this year being as bad as last year is enough to have me run away Julia Roberts style in Eat Pray Love - btw a movie you should NOT watch when your life is sh*t!




Michelle I am so devastated for you. You will get through this. Sending you strength. xoxo
  • Report
Thank you so much for your comment, if only through the internet it's still comforting to know that some one has heard me, that some one hopes I get through this.  I guess I have to get through it if only for the kids, just need to find myself a back bone I think . . .
  • Report

Recent Entries

Recent Comments

Search My Blog

 

Mum's video nails our hilarious ideals before having a baby

Remember what a perfect parent you used to be - you know, before you had kids? Then you had a baby.

Toddler uses potty in the middle of a pub

... and people were not happy about it.

What to expect when you're not expecting: a man's view

Why have I written all this? Because if you want a kid and it's a struggle then you often don't have a lot of places to go.

Mum praises ex who 'doesn't pay a dime' in child support

For many families, co-parenting successfully following separation or divorce is no easy task.

When you have a post-pregnancy body - but no baby

When pregnancy wreaks havoc on a mother's body it is considered "worth it" because of the resulting beautiful baby. But what if there is no baby?

Want a peaceful newborn? Sing lullabies to your belly

If you're in nesting mode getting ready to welcome a new baby, along with finding the right pram and stocking up on newborn nappies, scientists have discovered one more thing to add to your to-do list.

Confessions of an exhausted mum

Have you ever forgotten your baby's name, driven off with a coffee on the roof of your car or fallen asleep in the toilet? Maybe you are as tired as these exhausted mums.

You've brought your baby home - now what?

Here are some of the common 'new' things you'll experience in the first month and half of being home with your bub. (SPONSORED)

This couple's guide to sex in pregnancy is all too real

If you've ever tried to enjoy some sexy time with your significant other while pregnant, you'll know that pregnancy sex comes with its own unique set of challenges.

9 things I wish I'd known before I had a caesarean

Most would agree that a c-section isn't the way we want our babies to enter this world but sometimes we don't get to choose.

A whopping 90 per cent of mums feel lonely

A survey has found more than 90 per cent of mums admit to feeling lonely since having children, and many of us suffer in silence rather than talk about it.

Dads are not babysitters, and we need to stop calling them that

What do we mean when we ask if the dads are babysitting? What are we actually implying?

8 games to play with your toddler when you're all played out

If you're all played out but your child isn't, and you don't want to resort to TV, it's okay to cheat.

'This is what it takes to turn a child into a person'

We've all been there. That moment when your toddler throws an epic tantrum in public and you have to do the emergency exit.

6 things all new mums worry about - and how to feel better about them

Motherhood: it's both the best and the hardest thing in the world. (SPONSORED)

The cinema adding playgrounds in theatres to keep kids happy

It's hard for young children to sit still for two hours, and that can turn a trip to the movies into an ordeal for parents. So what if the solution were to let the kids play at the cinema?

Is there a test your child can take before getting vaccinated?

One Nation leader Pauline Hanson has suggested there are tests available to see if children will have an adverse reaction to vaccinations. Here's the truth.

Doting dad invents a baby bionic arm for his son

Ben Ryan locked himself in his shed for weeks after his baby son's arm was amputated. He emerged with a stunning invention.

Chrissy Teigen opens up about her PND

Chrissy Teigen is refreshingly honest about parenting, but the model has kept her postnatal depression diagnosis and treatment private until now.

Got a baby girl? This glue has been designed for you

If you're worried nobody can tell if your bald baby is a girl or a boy, Girlie Glue will solve that problem for you.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

From our network

Win 1 of 10 awesome Peppa Pig prize packs

Who loves Peppa? We have 10 packs to give away - including family passes to see the brand new movie, in cinemas March 16!

Essential Baby & Toddler Show, presented by Blackmores

28th - 30th April, 2017, Melbourne Royal Exhibition Building, Carlton. Get your FREE ticket now. Save $20.

 

Free ticket offer

Essential Baby & Toddler Show, presented by Blackmores

28th - 30th April, 2017, Melbourne Royal Exhibition Building, Carlton. Get your FREE ticket now. Save $20.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.