Posted by Lou_Pt2, 10/04/2009, 05:01 PM
Well, where do I start? Basically, an awful lot has happened since I last wrote in here.
The biggest thing is that my husband and I separated when Henry was 6 months old, so around 18 months ago. Henry is nearly 2 now.
Things are so much better now that we are apart; I'm feeling free and happy for once, and the burden of being consumed by my thoughts of unhappiness is lifted and I feel hope again. Hope for my future and the future of my kids. They will no longer see a marriage devoid of genuine affection and love and hopefully one day will mimic a life of truth and honesty. My hesitation to separate lasted probably around 2-3 years and was driven by guilt and apprehension around 'breaking up the family' and the kids being 'children of divorce'. What a tragedy and shame is that. Those poor children... Well, those 'poor children' had to endure a life of day-in-day-out intoxicating coldness, emotional deprivation, and open hostility between their parents. Isn't that child abuse? I had to ponder whether I wanted to model that for my children, because what they grow up with and see every day is what they think is 'normal'.
So, I did it. It was damned hard and I had a breakdown, but I got through. And even when I was broken and fragile and couldn't imagine having another day without crying and panic attacks, I felt a glimmer of hope deep down inside me. It was that hope that propelled me out of my despair and panic and into a world that was completely new and unchartered. It was also this hope that made it bearable to look into my tear-stained children's faces while their world was seemingly crumbling around them. Repeatedly I said, I was doing it for them, and my freedom was just a side perk of this move.
Eighteen months on and the kids are very well adjusted, in a routine, and very happy. They see two parents who are happy and laugh, and are in new relationships that are openly affectionate and loving. Ah yes, life is good. I am happy with my new partner, and I am still reeling from the fact that I could feel love for another person again. My gut instinct was wrong; I was sure that I would be alone forever. But instead, after some much needed hot casual flings, I found myself completely and uncontrollably drawn to this person. And it's hot. Very very hot.
And it's hard to wipe the smile off my face. The kids love the new happy me, and even they have changed somewhat. By this I mean, they are openly affectionate more; hugging me more and we have grown into a very close little family. Sure it's hard to share custody but on those days I work and get some money, and spend some time with my gorgeous lover. Also, the time I get with the kids I am refreshed and ready to pour the time into being with them.
Life is good. It really doesn't have to be bland and hopeless. The steep learning curve I have been on has almost wrecked me and rendered me damaged goods forever, but thankfully people are stronger than that, and new love and hope (and a bit of hot steamy sex) is possible and is absolutely worth it.
So, I thought I would share this update after so long to try to bring some strength and inspiration to those who are struggling with a failing marriage, or to those who are fighting to stay in one piece after ending one. It gets better, and then it's pure bliss.