Jump to content

Feel like I'm betraying my firstborn when I contemplate a second child


  • Please log in to reply
25 replies to this topic

#1 MotherMonkey

Posted 07 May 2012 - 02:03 PM

I'm going to do my best to explain this without sounding insane...!

My son is 18 months old & I've always thought I'd have 3 children probably about 3 years apart, but since having him I can't believe how inlove I can be with one small person &, as a result, I'm suffering tremendous guilt when considering having another. It's like I'm cheating on him just thinking about loving another baby...

Logically I know it's ridiculous (I felt the same way about the dog when I was pregnant!), I've told myself that Number 1 would love a sibling to play with etc., & I know I'm most likely depriving myself of the second love of my life (third if you include the hubby!), but I just can't get past the guilt of no longer having my first born as the centre of my universe.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not a psycho over-protective mum who won't leave her sons side, I still go off to work and do all my normal stuff, I'm just besotted by my boy original.gif
I know I will love another baby (although I do fear that if it's possible to love it as much as the first my heart may in fact explode), but I fear the guilt may actually stop me even trying. (& then I feel guilty about the poor second baby, but we won't even go in to that!!!)

My husband is very understanding (he's quite used to my craziness!) & tells me he's ready whenever I am, but I think I just need to speak to some people who have been in the same boat so they can tell me how wonderful it is having a bigger family & that It will actually make me a better mother to my son because....? (this is where you come in...) wink.gif

#2 Tesseract

Posted 07 May 2012 - 02:07 PM

The love in your heart isn't a finite resource that is divided up amongst your family and friends. When you have another baby you won't love your DS less, your heart will just bigger to accommodate the new baby. And so will your DS's (eventually!).

#3 Kay1

Posted 07 May 2012 - 02:11 PM

This is extremely normal!  Most mothers I know felt the same when thinking about a second child or when pregnant with #2.

Your heart won't explode, the extra love just fits in and you really do love the second just as much as the first, without taking away any from #1, its amazing. original.gif

And the gift of giving your child a sibling is wonderful. I adore watching my two boys together. They love each other so much. I adore my DS1 but now I can't imagine him without his little partner in crime. They bring each other so much joy and companionship. wub.gif

I must admit though that I liked the age gap we had (nearly 3 years), I think this made it easier as DS1 could talk and we could explain why we couldn't do x right now etc. I think I might have felt guiltier if he was still a toddler who couldn't understand why I wasn't seeing to him immediately.

#4 PreachersWife

Posted 07 May 2012 - 02:13 PM

QUOTE (Tesseract @ 07/05/2012, 02:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The love in your heart isn't a finite resource that is divided up amongst your family and friends. When you have another baby you won't love your DS less, your heart will just bigger to accommodate the new baby. And so will your DS's (eventually!).


This is so true and made me feel all squishy!

I'm pregnant with #3 and this sums it up for me, that plus this...

Seeing my daughter and son play, hug, kiss fills my heart with even more love for both of them. And now the way my four year old interacts with my belly just adds to the excitement.

#5 hiccamups

Posted 07 May 2012 - 02:14 PM

Your heart just gets bigger OP.  You'll feel the overwhelming, heart popping love you do for your first, with your second.  It's amazing how much love we are capable of.

And there is a lot of guilt to endure when raising children.  For me, the biggest guilt came from having to reject my first so I could settle my second.  But you know what, I believe it's character building for your elder child.  Imagine a world where we never had to learn to take the back seat? Where we never had to wait, or be ok not being the centre of the universe.

It's tough, but it all works out.

#6 Isolabella

Posted 07 May 2012 - 02:17 PM

QUOTE (Tesseract @ 07/05/2012, 02:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The love in your heart isn't a finite resource that is divided up amongst your family and friends. When you have another baby you won't love your DS less, your heart will just bigger to accommodate the new baby. And so will your DS's (eventually!).



Yep even at 36wks PG with #2 I would be cuddling with DS1 and think how can I love any more?. Well as PP have said love is not a finite resource, your heart just gets bigger and your love encompasses all. With #3 I never had any 2nd thoughts as I already knew after #2 that my heart would grow bigger still.



#7 pitzinoodles

Posted 07 May 2012 - 02:18 PM

Totally normal emotion! Amazingly you can love your second just as much as your first. After a little while the second is big enough to play with the first and you realise you gave both your children the gift of a sibling - which is a beautiful thing biggrin.gif

Edited by pitzinoodles, 07 May 2012 - 02:19 PM.


#8 7girly-girls

Posted 07 May 2012 - 02:24 PM

_

Edited by 7girly-girls, 16 June 2014 - 12:05 PM.


#9 ~kacee~

Posted 07 May 2012 - 02:36 PM

The loveliest way I've heard it described is that your love doesn't halve, it doubles  wub.gif With baby #2 due in a few weeks, I understand the guilt, but I also think giving a sibling is the best present you can give.

#10 Guest_Nyz31_*

Posted 07 May 2012 - 02:47 PM

I know exactly how you feel.... number two is due in 3 weeks and I've had the guilts from day one about our daughter having to 'share' us with someone else. BUT I remember my Nanna saying what a lonely childhood she had being an only child and not having any cousins nearby and also where they lived was on the outskirts of town not to mention that her Mum was divorced (very tsk tsk tsk in those days).... so that makes me feel better about it. We also don't have any family within 5 hours and we don't have a huge circle of friends here so it will be lovely for our poppet to have someone to play with (apart from me and her Dad!). And to be honest, I think she would love having a sibling, at such a young age, she's already very considerate and kind to other children, especially those younger than her. My biggest concern now is that she is going to think the baby is hers and no one elses! hehe


#11 MotherMonkey

Posted 07 May 2012 - 02:49 PM

Omigosh you girls are just devine, thank you so much for replying to my nonsense!

I LOVE the idea of #1 having a 'little buddy' & I'm kind of hoping that at age 3 he might be a little more independent of me anyway?

I must admit though that because we have such a cool time together & are mostly by ourselves the idea of not being able to hang out all the time just us seems a bit sad still sad.gif

#12 hiccamups

Posted 07 May 2012 - 09:08 PM

QUOTE
I must admit though that because we have such a cool time together & are mostly by ourselves the idea of not being able to hang out all the time just us seems a bit sad still


I know OP, it's heartbreaking. It's all part of them growing up though, sadly.  You wait until they're at school every day.  Oh, that's just tears and heartache all over again.

I imagine it never ends - when they get married, have their own children.   wub.gif

#13 nicknick

Posted 07 May 2012 - 09:16 PM

Oh I was only having this conversation this morning with some friends - with a week and a bit to go until bub 2 arrives it's doing my head in. I like the way Howls describes your heart getting bigger  original.gif

#14 ShamelesslyPooks

Posted 07 May 2012 - 09:18 PM

I feel bad that I don't want any more like I'll be denying him something. Ahhh we mothers are good at guilt.

#15 Kay1

Posted 07 May 2012 - 09:24 PM

QUOTE
I must admit though that because we have such a cool time together & are mostly by ourselves the idea of not being able to hang out all the time just us seems a bit sad still


I remember thinking that when DS1 was that age. By nearly 3 he was a very different child and while our bond was just as strong, he was pretty hard work and a day of daycare a week was a lifesaver for me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that LOL. Also you will still be with him, you'll just have another little person to look after.

#16 Black Lion

Posted 07 May 2012 - 09:38 PM

I remember this feeling well.

I also remember looking at DD1 and thinking that she was just the most beautiful baby, and how would I cope if I had another daughter who wasn't as pretty (I know it sounds totally shallow, but I hated being compared to my own sister who was always much thinner, more athletic, petite, has gorgeous hair... etc)?


I am totally in love with both my DDs. They look different (both gorgeous, of course) they have different personalities, different strengths and natural abilites and I love them both for who they are.  With both my girls my heart is near bursting (still).



agree with other PPs about watching them together- I love that they love each other so much. othing better than hearing one call out to the other when they are hurt/sick/tired! Of course they argue too happy.gif

#17 Lilura

Posted 08 May 2012 - 10:28 AM

I felt the same having my daughter, and admittedly we've had a few bumps because my DS is 8, so is kind of used to being the one and only, but i love them both equally!

I find it really fun and amazing to see how different they are, and seeing them interact is awesome.

I think its pretty normal, but you will make it work original.gif

#18 MotherMonkey

Posted 08 May 2012 - 01:28 PM

Thank you so much everyone.
QUOTE
"Ahh we mothers are good at guilt"

I completely agree that I'm sure I'd find something else to feel bad about if it wasn't this!
It just seems such a risk! And at double or nothing kind of odds...
It's like someone saying to me I have risk the relationship I have with my son for the chance to win twice as much love.
But I know things won't stay the same for ever, it's just so easy to torture myself about it!

#19 *mylittleprince*

Posted 08 May 2012 - 01:37 PM

If you are both keen, I say go for it.

I absolutely adores DS, he is 3 in September and my little best friend. We have such fun together, I love hanging out and doing stuff and he is a wonderful little person. I'm due with twins just after he turns 3 and at first I felt similar to you, then I thought what a joy to give him siblings. I absolutely adore my sister and it's such a special bond to have a sibling. I think it's not just about feeding/settling a baby, etc but giving them each time. #1 will sometimes have to wait while baby is feeding/being changed, etc and baby will sometimes have to wait while you are busy with #2. I'm going to keep doing things DS loves (playdates, parks, playgroup, etc) so he doesn't feel like his whole world has changed and the babies have taken over.

#20 MotherMonkey

Posted 08 May 2012 - 09:40 PM

You're right MyLittlePrince, I shouldn't look at it like we'll be missing out on things, I should just see it as a challenge to get twice as much fun in!
Thank you x

#21 CallMeFeral

Posted 08 May 2012 - 09:52 PM

I felt the same.
No. 2, however, happened as an accident when DD was only 4 months old.

And now when I hear them laughing and giggling together, and hear about them playing together at daycare even though they have so many other kids to play with, and see how they are comfortable in any situation because they have eachother, and how much they are each others best friends - I thank my stars for that accident.

And who knew - I can dote on two children just as much as I doted on one! The only downside is that I feel TWICE as vulnerable as there are two of them to protect and worry about now.

#22 lozoodle

Posted 10 May 2012 - 09:16 AM

It's normal, you get over it pretty quick. I adore my second just as much and now we are trying for a third original.gif

#23 BVB09

Posted 10 May 2012 - 09:26 AM

OP,

We were axactly the same when we were contemplating having our second child after being so in love with the first child. When I had my second it was the same feeling all over again.

They try and battle for my affection, but I have plenty of love to go around for the two ! wub.gif  wub.gif

#24 lilwonder

Posted 10 May 2012 - 09:13 PM

I felt exactly the same when pregnant with my second, but after seeing her with her brother over the last year I have absolutely no guilt left - what she has gained in her relationship with him makes the time and attention she now has to share a total non issue. So much so I am now unexpectedly pregnant with my third and I have hardly felt guilty in the slightest as I know it will just mean more love for our family and it will enhance the lives of my kids even further

#25 Soontobegran

Posted 10 May 2012 - 09:23 PM

As everyone has said, it is a common emotion, in fact I don't think I've heard anyone who hasn't thought the same thing OP.
It only happened between #'s 1 and 2 for me because I realised after having #2 that there is no such thing as loving one child too much and running out of love for all the others. original.gif




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Exclusive Black Friday Sale!

Get over 40% off selected products, including prams, baby carriers, cloth nappies, sleeping bags and much more! 24 hours only, on May 6 - register now for your special code.

Kelly Clarkson shares first photos of son

Kelly Clarkson has shown off the first photos of her son, Remington Alexander Blackstock.

5 childbirth myths that need to be busted

Birth is an unpredictable, mysterious process that intrigues us all, and there is a lot of misinformation out there.

Mum of three fatally shot by toddler while driving

A US mother has been shot by her toddler while driving on a highway in Wisconsin.

All you need is one minute to work out

The seven-minute-work out is old news. Research shows the effectiveness of going hell-for-leather for just one minute.

Pregnant women needed to join diabetes study

Pregnant woman in country Australia will help Adelaide researchers figure out why cases of type 1 diabetes have doubled over the past two decades.

Just announced: the Mountain Buggy Unirider

It's the perfect solution to combat those toddler meltdowns when they no longer want to be in a pram but can't walk long distances.

Authorities euthanise dog that fatally bit a newborn baby

A pit bull mix that fatally bit a 3-day-old infant last week has been euthanised, authorities said.

The push for Medicare to fund lactation consultants

While meeting with a lactation consultant can make an enormous difference to a new mother, it's not a service that is available through the public health system.

Why it's perfectly natural to dislike other people's children

Members of a popular forum are fiercely debating whether it is acceptable to dislike a friend's child.

Woman gives birth on plane, names baby after airline

A pregnant woman who unexpectedly gave birth on a flight has named her new baby after the airline, Jetstar.

Heartwarming photos show the joy of adoption after foster care

Children living in foster care can feel like their future is less than clear. But that uncertainty disappears the day they are adopted by their "forever family" 

'Oh my god, it's a baby!' Mum shocked to give birth

When the cramps started to kick in, Klara Dollan just assumed a painful period was starting.

Mum's Facebook plea: 'Help me find my daughter's father'

Kerryn has a unusual present planned for daughter Imi's 13th birthday celebrations - she hopes to be able to be able to give the soon-to-be the teenager her first ever photo of her dad.

Is it possible for your house to be too clean?

Our houses are cleaner than ever before. But how clean is too clean? Could a sterile home be putting your family's health at risk?

Millions of Monkeys: puzzles that grow with your toddler

Here's a puzzle that grows with them; the Puzzle Grow Pack by Millions of Monkeys.

Baby names from Britpop

If you grew up in the 90s you might want to look to the genre of Britpop music for baby name inspiration.

What to eat and drink when you have gastro

When you catch a bug that causes acute infectious gastroenteritis (gastro), your stomach and intestinal tract become inflamed, causing diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramping and pain. The last thing you probably feel like doing is eating.

'To this day, I owe her my life'

Would I have survived if I hadn't crossed that street?

Why baby Sonny needs you to vaccinate your children

Caitlin is a firm believer in the importance of immunisation to protect children from harmful and deadly diseases.

Five-year-old's photo captures beauty of motherhood

There is no make-up or special outfits and hairdos, but the five-year-old boy who took this picture captured the essence of motherhood as well as any professional photographer.

Babies know whether you are naughty or nice

Studies have shown that infants in the first months of life try to avoid dealing with social wrongdoers - for example, sharing less with them and helping them less - and they expect others to, too.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

The babies who are one in 70 million

Bethani Webb was excited to find out she was pregnant, but the first time mum did not realise she was carrying four babies not one.

Exclusive Black Friday Sale!

Get over 40% off selected products, including prams, baby carriers, cloth nappies, sleeping bags and much more! 24 hours only, on May 6 - register now for your special code.

Cafe offers breastfeeding mums a free cup of tea

A Sydney cafe is offering breastfeeding mums free cups of tea in a bid to show support for the right of women to nurse their babies wherever they choose.

To snip or not to snip? When the decision is not clear cut

Jamie Oliver, who considered a vasectomy, is to be a father again. A fellow dad reflects on his own decision 11 years ago

Doctors stunned by rare twins born almost six weeks apart

To everyone's surprise, Kristen Miller "kept doing better each day", keeping her second baby safe.

Baby book ideas for modern parents

Before my son was born I was given a lovely baby book full of blank pages waiting to be filled with weights and heights and first words.

The adorable smile of a baby seeing his mum clearly for the first time

There is no doubt seeing their child smile for the first time is an unforgettable moment for parents everywhere.

Mum tells how toddler 'nearly hung himself' in cot mishap

When Alison Johnson put her 18-month-old Caleb down for a nap, she had no reason to believe her son was in any danger.

Babies are still switched at birth? Yes, it can happen

All my panic and tears aside, my biggest question looking back is about the kind of security measures used in the maternity ward.

Doctors slammed for taking selfie with newborn

Everyone who visits a mum in hospital in the days following childbirth wants to get a photo with the new baby.

ergoPouch Twosie Sleepsuit for winter breastfeeding

Finally, there's a way to keep warm while breastfeeding through winter.

Health check: How long does sex 'normally' last?

What to do with this information? My advice would be to try not to think about it during the throes of passion.

When breastfeeding sucks: fixing common problems

From niplash to tight boobs, biting to milk supply issues, Pinky McKay looks at common breastfeeding issues and how to solve them.

10 things I've learnt in my first six months with twins

Six months on we're all still alive, and the more we get to know each other the easier the days become.

Mum's loving kiss leaves baby fighting for life

Kirsty Carrington thought nothing of giving her newborn son a kiss, little did she know it would leave the baby fighting for life.

When doing chores is your new 'me time'

After children, 'me time' looks a little different.

Get going: 14 travel strollers for families on the move

A stroller can make or break travelling with a baby or toddler. Here are 15 great single travel stroller options.

10 ways toddlers are terrific

It always pays to remind yourself of how terrific toddlers can be - they're little like this for such a short time

 

ENTER NOW

Do your kids love bananas?

This is the comp for you! We have $800 worth of Myer gift cards and boxes of Australian Bananas to be won. Entry is simple: just post a pic of your little one enjoying a banana in the comments of the FB post to enter.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.