Jump to content

DD 2.5 refusing to answer/say sorry
Push it or leave it?


  • Please log in to reply
16 replies to this topic

#1 Lakey

Posted 05 May 2012 - 02:20 PM

Our gorgeous DD is now 2.5 y/o, she used to be a gorgeous placid girl.  But the terrible 2's appear to have hit hard!

I am sure she is in the realm of 'normal' behaviour for a 2 y/o but my mum is insisting we take her to a child psychologist.  Her favourite word is no, and uses it a LOT.  She will refuse to answer, for example if i ask her if she needs to go to the toilet.  Or if we ask her to say sorry, she will flatly refuse.  She used to be very good at saying it.

If she refuses to answer or say sorry we have tried putting her in time out.  This can go on for a LONG time, in and out, giving her some time to say the words or answer the question, if she doesn't we put her back to time out.  But so far she has beaten us each time, we have had to give up due to the amount of time it has taken.  Inevitably other things need to be done or we have to go somewhere.

I can't say when the behaviour has escalated as such, it just seems to have gotten worse and worse as time has gone on.  

Does this seem 'normal'?  Or should we be seeing a professional?  We are at our wits end with the obstinence.  We have a lot of other stress with extended family going on, and then for her to be testing our boundaries is making life fairly unpleasant at the moment.  Maybe this is feeding through to her...

#2 bark

Posted 05 May 2012 - 02:28 PM

She certainly is getting attention from you for not saying those things and she probably enjoys that. I'd try and ignore it for a while, she is only 2.5!!

#3 FreeRangeBabies

Posted 05 May 2012 - 02:30 PM

My ds was like this also. It became a game o him that we didn't realize we were playing. So in the end, we just stopped responding. We would do time out once, get him out, explain what he had done, why it was naughty and give him the opportunity to rectify said behavior. If he chose not to, that was fine also, but he lost something he wanted.... Ie an Easter egg after dinner.

I think it only took a week of him escalating his responses (and screaming no at us) before he realized he wasn't getting a reaction that he wanted, and just stopped one day.

#4 SeaPrincess

Posted 05 May 2012 - 02:42 PM

When I am getting ready to take someone out of time-out, I ask them "Are you ready to say sorry?"  If they say they're not, then they stay in time-out.

I went to 1, 2, 3 Magic and got the thing about not saying sorry, but I think if one of the children does something to one of the others, then I expect them to apologise, even if it's an accident (which doesn't get a time-out).  Teaching them that "I'm sorry" actually should imply that they will try not to do it again is another matter!

Oh, and depending on what it is, if the children don't answer me, then I either make a decision for them (which isn't necessarily what they want) or they go without.  For example, this morning, I asked DD what she wanted on her toast and got no answer - she got toast with nothing on it.  She took a couple of bites, then asked if she could please have vegemite.

R

#5 BornToLove

Posted 05 May 2012 - 03:59 PM

QUOTE (shmach @ 05/05/2012, 02:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Oh, and depending on what it is, if the children don't answer me, then I either make a decision for them (which isn't necessarily what they want) or they go without.  For example, this morning, I asked DD what she wanted on her toast and got no answer - she got toast with nothing on it.  She took a couple of bites, then asked if she could please have vegemite.


We do natural concequences for DD's responses as well.  If we offer her a choice and she refuses, we take her word for it and move on.  9 times out of 10 she comes around quickly and makes a proper decision.  



We also limit some choices by avoiding open ended questions or limiting choices.  I find she reacts negativly when she's overwhelmed.

#6 LittleMissPink

Posted 07 May 2012 - 08:51 PM

With the "no" thing, our speechie suggested modelling a whole sentance to say instead of just NO!

So when you ask, Do you want to go to the toilet? and she says NO, say, no I dont need to go, or no I am ok.

When you ask, Can you pack away the toys and she says no! Say, no mummy Im not finished playing, or no mummy, i need help.

Get the idea original.gif It certainly helped my DD with very little speech, and stopped the NO shotuing matches!

#7 Princess.cranky.pants

Posted 07 May 2012 - 09:50 PM

Sounds like normal toddler behavior to me. 2 year olds do push boundaries and try to assert independence.

Personally I wouldn't make too much of an issues about saying sorry because it sounds like it's become a power play. Pick your battles. 2 year olds can be very stubborn. I would just move on when she is refusing to say it.

Time out at this age shouldn't be longer than a few minutes. There is no point in continuing time out for a long period of time because she will have forgotten why she was on TO in the first place. And it sounds like TO has become a battle of making her say sorry which is not what TO should be about. At 2 she wouldn't understand that you keep her on TO because she won't say sorry.

We don't do Time out. We found 'time in' is more effective- remove the child to a quite place and stay with them to help the calm down. It's usually enough to defuse any unwanted behavior that is going on.

And your DD could be picking up on the stress going on in the extended family. If you are stressed she will sense that. Try just being more positive and ignoring the unwanted behaviors. Agree don't ask open ended questions  because they are often met with no.

And no is just an easy word to say when your 2.5 years old. She will grow out of it soon enough so for now I would just ignore it.


#8 Lakey

Posted 08 May 2012 - 08:12 PM

Thanks Everyone, will definitely take all your suggestions on board.

I have noticed that since Mum has gone home her behaviour has improved, perhaps she is picking up on something?!  Lots of 'issues' with my mum.

She is still by no means perfect, but she has stopped ignoring us when we ask her a question, she is at least answering.

Will stop pushing her to say sorry, give her one chance to, if she does, good, if she doesn't, we'll just move on.

Thanks again!


#9 CallMeFeral

Posted 08 May 2012 - 11:30 PM

Sounds normal - my 3yo is terrible with this at the moment. Just this evening she got sent to her room for not saying sorry, and told she could come out when she was ready to. Lots of poking her head out to 'swear' (incomprehensibly) at me, "piew"ing me (pointing finger and making a gun noise) etc etc, and finally when it got too boring in there she agreed to say sorry to come out. I think deprivation of attention is one of the stronger motivators at this age!
The ignoring is driving me NUTS though... and when it's stuff I'm asking her to do there is no natural consquence to HER - and it SUCKS!!!



#10 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 09 May 2012 - 12:11 AM

QUOTE (CherryAmes @ 05/05/2012, 12:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Doesn't sound abnormal to me. However, I do advise doing a 123 magic course, they are really good. When I did the training, the guy advised against making kids say "sorry" as it was good training in lying! I think it's preferable to model "sorry" than to try to force it.

We also model, rather than force things

#11 FeralSingleMum

Posted 09 May 2012 - 12:22 AM

Dont worry, its totally normal.

My DS2 says "No" more than any other word! He also has a lot of guts, I put him to bed on Sunday night and went talk to DH in the bedroom. I was in there for about 20 minutes. DS2 had gotten out of his toddler bed, climbed up on the couch and had decided that The Biggest Loser was much better then sleeping. I just couldn't get over it. DS1 was never that brave. I couldn't help but laugh at him. He just looked so natural there.

She's only 2.5, so will probably grow out of it when she has her own child wink.gif

#12 Natttmumm

Posted 09 May 2012 - 12:45 PM

The advice we had was not to push the sorry. We do a cuddle at the end of time out now. It's frustrating this age but she probably is a bit out of sorts with the family stuff. They do pick up on everything.

#13 SleepDebt

Posted 09 May 2012 - 12:51 PM

It's normal - my 2.5yr DS does it .... for things he should be sorry for he flatly refuses to say it no matter what the punishment however he is extremely forthcoming with 'sorry' if something happens that isn't his fault i.e he accidently trips over my feet.

Currently, favourite toys going on a 'time out' on a high up shelf is the only punishment that seems to evoke him to do the right thing.

#14 roses7

Posted 09 May 2012 - 12:56 PM

I think the saying sorry thing is a little overrated, especially with very small kids. You end up in a battle over the sorry rather than focusing on the original behaviour.

My niece has been forced to say sorry since she was little and what she seems to have taken away is that you can do whatever you want as long as you say sorry afterwards. One of my most memorable days was hearing my SIL say to 3yo DN as they left my house (where she had been battering my children all afternoon) " I was so proud of you today, you said sorry so nicely"  blink.gif

What I try to foster in my children is genuine empathy. I'm not interested in raising little parrots who will trot out the right phrases when I'm listening but treat others unkindly. The behaviour comes first, and then when they are a little older I remind them of the language that is considered polite.

2.5 is very young, I was mostly using distraction and ignoring bad behaviour at that age.

#15 Lakey

Posted 10 May 2012 - 08:32 PM

It's comforting to know there are others in the same situation~!  My husband constantly asks "what have we done wrong for her to be like this??"

I never know the answer.  I don't think we are especially soft on her, i hope we aren't too hard either!

#16 Lakey

Posted 10 May 2012 - 08:35 PM

StudyMuffin, our DD is exactly the same!

Brushes past me "sorry mum", yet won't say it when asked.  Agh, frustrating age  rolleyes.gif

#17 jprice

Posted 18 May 2012 - 10:56 AM

QUOTE (roses7 @ 08/05/2012, 06:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think the saying sorry thing is a little overrated, especially with very small kids. You end up in a battle over the sorry rather than focusing on the original behaviour.


That is absolutely right.  The priority should be on correcting the bad behavior, rather than apologizing for it.  If the bad behavior is dealt with, there is no need for apologies.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Childcare Survey

Win a $100 Coles/Myers gift voucher by completing the 5 minute childcare survey.

Kelly Clarkson shares first photos of son

Kelly Clarkson has shown off the first photos of her son, Remington Alexander Blackstock.

5 childbirth myths that need to be busted

Birth is an unpredictable, mysterious process that intrigues us all, and there is a lot of misinformation out there.

Mum of three fatally shot by toddler while driving

A US mother has been shot by her toddler while driving on a highway in Wisconsin.

All you need is one minute to work out

The seven-minute-work out is old news. Research shows the effectiveness of going hell-for-leather for just one minute.

Pregnant women needed to join diabetes study

Pregnant woman in country Australia will help Adelaide researchers figure out why cases of type 1 diabetes have doubled over the past two decades.

Just announced: the Mountain Buggy Unirider

It's the perfect solution to combat those toddler meltdowns when they no longer want to be in a pram but can't walk long distances.

Authorities euthanise dog that fatally bit a newborn baby

A pit bull mix that fatally bit a 3-day-old infant last week has been euthanised, authorities said.

The push for Medicare to fund lactation consultants

While meeting with a lactation consultant can make an enormous difference to a new mother, it's not a service that is available through the public health system.

Why it's perfectly natural to dislike other people's children

Members of a popular forum are fiercely debating whether it is acceptable to dislike a friend's child.

Woman gives birth on plane, names baby after airline

A pregnant woman who unexpectedly gave birth on a flight has named her new baby after the airline, Jetstar.

Heartwarming photos show the joy of adoption after foster care

Children living in foster care can feel like their future is less than clear. But that uncertainty disappears the day they are adopted by their "forever family" 

'Oh my god, it's a baby!' Mum shocked to give birth

When the cramps started to kick in, Klara Dollan just assumed a painful period was starting.

Mum's Facebook plea: 'Help me find my daughter's father'

Kerryn has a unusual present planned for daughter Imi's 13th birthday celebrations - she hopes to be able to be able to give the soon-to-be the teenager her first ever photo of her dad.

Is it possible for your house to be too clean?

Our houses are cleaner than ever before. But how clean is too clean? Could a sterile home be putting your family's health at risk?

Millions of Monkeys: puzzles that grow with your toddler

Here's a puzzle that grows with them; the Puzzle Grow Pack by Millions of Monkeys.

Baby names from Britpop

If you grew up in the 90s you might want to look to the genre of Britpop music for baby name inspiration.

What to eat and drink when you have gastro

When you catch a bug that causes acute infectious gastroenteritis (gastro), your stomach and intestinal tract become inflamed, causing diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramping and pain. The last thing you probably feel like doing is eating.

'To this day, I owe her my life'

Would I have survived if I hadn't crossed that street?

Why baby Sonny needs you to vaccinate your children

Caitlin is a firm believer in the importance of immunisation to protect children from harmful and deadly diseases.

Five-year-old's photo captures beauty of motherhood

There is no make-up or special outfits and hairdos, but the five-year-old boy who took this picture captured the essence of motherhood as well as any professional photographer.

Babies know whether you are naughty or nice

Studies have shown that infants in the first months of life try to avoid dealing with social wrongdoers - for example, sharing less with them and helping them less - and they expect others to, too.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Childcare Survey

Win a $100 Coles/Myers gift voucher by completing the 5 minute childcare survey.

The babies who are one in 70 million

Bethani Webb was excited to find out she was pregnant, but the first time mum did not realise she was carrying four babies not one.

Cafe offers breastfeeding mums a free cup of tea

A Sydney cafe is offering breastfeeding mums free cups of tea in a bid to show support for the right of women to nurse their babies wherever they choose.

To snip or not to snip? When the decision is not clear cut

Jamie Oliver, who considered a vasectomy, is to be a father again. A fellow dad reflects on his own decision 11 years ago

Doctors stunned by rare twins born almost six weeks apart

To everyone's surprise, Kristen Miller "kept doing better each day", keeping her second baby safe.

Baby book ideas for modern parents

Before my son was born I was given a lovely baby book full of blank pages waiting to be filled with weights and heights and first words.

The adorable smile of a baby seeing his mum clearly for the first time

There is no doubt seeing their child smile for the first time is an unforgettable moment for parents everywhere.

Mum tells how toddler 'nearly hung himself' in cot mishap

When Alison Johnson put her 18-month-old Caleb down for a nap, she had no reason to believe her son was in any danger.

Babies are still switched at birth? Yes, it can happen

All my panic and tears aside, my biggest question looking back is about the kind of security measures used in the maternity ward.

Doctors slammed for taking selfie with newborn

Everyone who visits a mum in hospital in the days following childbirth wants to get a photo with the new baby.

ergoPouch Twosie Sleepsuit for winter breastfeeding

Finally, there's a way to keep warm while breastfeeding through winter.

Health check: How long does sex 'normally' last?

What to do with this information? My advice would be to try not to think about it during the throes of passion.

When breastfeeding sucks: fixing common problems

From niplash to tight boobs, biting to milk supply issues, Pinky McKay looks at common breastfeeding issues and how to solve them.

10 things I've learnt in my first six months with twins

Six months on we're all still alive, and the more we get to know each other the easier the days become.

Mum's loving kiss leaves baby fighting for life

Kirsty Carrington thought nothing of giving her newborn son a kiss, little did she know it would leave the baby fighting for life.

When doing chores is your new 'me time'

After children, 'me time' looks a little different.

Get going: 14 travel strollers for families on the move

A stroller can make or break travelling with a baby or toddler. Here are 15 great single travel stroller options.

10 ways toddlers are terrific

It always pays to remind yourself of how terrific toddlers can be - they're little like this for such a short time

 

ENTER NOW

Do your kids love bananas?

This is the comp for you! We have $800 worth of Myer gift cards and boxes of Australian Bananas to be won. Entry is simple: just post a pic of your little one enjoying a banana in the comments of the FB post to enter.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.