Jump to content

DD 2.5 refusing to answer/say sorry
Push it or leave it?


  • Please log in to reply
16 replies to this topic

#1 Lakey

Posted 05 May 2012 - 02:20 PM

Our gorgeous DD is now 2.5 y/o, she used to be a gorgeous placid girl.  But the terrible 2's appear to have hit hard!

I am sure she is in the realm of 'normal' behaviour for a 2 y/o but my mum is insisting we take her to a child psychologist.  Her favourite word is no, and uses it a LOT.  She will refuse to answer, for example if i ask her if she needs to go to the toilet.  Or if we ask her to say sorry, she will flatly refuse.  She used to be very good at saying it.

If she refuses to answer or say sorry we have tried putting her in time out.  This can go on for a LONG time, in and out, giving her some time to say the words or answer the question, if she doesn't we put her back to time out.  But so far she has beaten us each time, we have had to give up due to the amount of time it has taken.  Inevitably other things need to be done or we have to go somewhere.

I can't say when the behaviour has escalated as such, it just seems to have gotten worse and worse as time has gone on.  

Does this seem 'normal'?  Or should we be seeing a professional?  We are at our wits end with the obstinence.  We have a lot of other stress with extended family going on, and then for her to be testing our boundaries is making life fairly unpleasant at the moment.  Maybe this is feeding through to her...

#2 bark

Posted 05 May 2012 - 02:28 PM

She certainly is getting attention from you for not saying those things and she probably enjoys that. I'd try and ignore it for a while, she is only 2.5!!

#3 FreeRangeBabies

Posted 05 May 2012 - 02:30 PM

My ds was like this also. It became a game o him that we didn't realize we were playing. So in the end, we just stopped responding. We would do time out once, get him out, explain what he had done, why it was naughty and give him the opportunity to rectify said behavior. If he chose not to, that was fine also, but he lost something he wanted.... Ie an Easter egg after dinner.

I think it only took a week of him escalating his responses (and screaming no at us) before he realized he wasn't getting a reaction that he wanted, and just stopped one day.

#4 SeaPrincess

Posted 05 May 2012 - 02:42 PM

When I am getting ready to take someone out of time-out, I ask them "Are you ready to say sorry?"  If they say they're not, then they stay in time-out.

I went to 1, 2, 3 Magic and got the thing about not saying sorry, but I think if one of the children does something to one of the others, then I expect them to apologise, even if it's an accident (which doesn't get a time-out).  Teaching them that "I'm sorry" actually should imply that they will try not to do it again is another matter!

Oh, and depending on what it is, if the children don't answer me, then I either make a decision for them (which isn't necessarily what they want) or they go without.  For example, this morning, I asked DD what she wanted on her toast and got no answer - she got toast with nothing on it.  She took a couple of bites, then asked if she could please have vegemite.

R

#5 BornToLove

Posted 05 May 2012 - 03:59 PM

QUOTE (shmach @ 05/05/2012, 02:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Oh, and depending on what it is, if the children don't answer me, then I either make a decision for them (which isn't necessarily what they want) or they go without.  For example, this morning, I asked DD what she wanted on her toast and got no answer - she got toast with nothing on it.  She took a couple of bites, then asked if she could please have vegemite.


We do natural concequences for DD's responses as well.  If we offer her a choice and she refuses, we take her word for it and move on.  9 times out of 10 she comes around quickly and makes a proper decision.  



We also limit some choices by avoiding open ended questions or limiting choices.  I find she reacts negativly when she's overwhelmed.

#6 LittleMissPink

Posted 07 May 2012 - 08:51 PM

With the "no" thing, our speechie suggested modelling a whole sentance to say instead of just NO!

So when you ask, Do you want to go to the toilet? and she says NO, say, no I dont need to go, or no I am ok.

When you ask, Can you pack away the toys and she says no! Say, no mummy Im not finished playing, or no mummy, i need help.

Get the idea original.gif It certainly helped my DD with very little speech, and stopped the NO shotuing matches!

#7 Princess.cranky.pants

Posted 07 May 2012 - 09:50 PM

Sounds like normal toddler behavior to me. 2 year olds do push boundaries and try to assert independence.

Personally I wouldn't make too much of an issues about saying sorry because it sounds like it's become a power play. Pick your battles. 2 year olds can be very stubborn. I would just move on when she is refusing to say it.

Time out at this age shouldn't be longer than a few minutes. There is no point in continuing time out for a long period of time because she will have forgotten why she was on TO in the first place. And it sounds like TO has become a battle of making her say sorry which is not what TO should be about. At 2 she wouldn't understand that you keep her on TO because she won't say sorry.

We don't do Time out. We found 'time in' is more effective- remove the child to a quite place and stay with them to help the calm down. It's usually enough to defuse any unwanted behavior that is going on.

And your DD could be picking up on the stress going on in the extended family. If you are stressed she will sense that. Try just being more positive and ignoring the unwanted behaviors. Agree don't ask open ended questions  because they are often met with no.

And no is just an easy word to say when your 2.5 years old. She will grow out of it soon enough so for now I would just ignore it.


#8 Lakey

Posted 08 May 2012 - 08:12 PM

Thanks Everyone, will definitely take all your suggestions on board.

I have noticed that since Mum has gone home her behaviour has improved, perhaps she is picking up on something?!  Lots of 'issues' with my mum.

She is still by no means perfect, but she has stopped ignoring us when we ask her a question, she is at least answering.

Will stop pushing her to say sorry, give her one chance to, if she does, good, if she doesn't, we'll just move on.

Thanks again!


#9 CallMeFeral

Posted 08 May 2012 - 11:30 PM

Sounds normal - my 3yo is terrible with this at the moment. Just this evening she got sent to her room for not saying sorry, and told she could come out when she was ready to. Lots of poking her head out to 'swear' (incomprehensibly) at me, "piew"ing me (pointing finger and making a gun noise) etc etc, and finally when it got too boring in there she agreed to say sorry to come out. I think deprivation of attention is one of the stronger motivators at this age!
The ignoring is driving me NUTS though... and when it's stuff I'm asking her to do there is no natural consquence to HER - and it SUCKS!!!



#10 Feralishous

Posted 09 May 2012 - 12:11 AM

QUOTE (CherryAmes @ 05/05/2012, 12:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Doesn't sound abnormal to me. However, I do advise doing a 123 magic course, they are really good. When I did the training, the guy advised against making kids say "sorry" as it was good training in lying! I think it's preferable to model "sorry" than to try to force it.

We also model, rather than force things

#11 FeralSingleMum

Posted 09 May 2012 - 12:22 AM

Dont worry, its totally normal.

My DS2 says "No" more than any other word! He also has a lot of guts, I put him to bed on Sunday night and went talk to DH in the bedroom. I was in there for about 20 minutes. DS2 had gotten out of his toddler bed, climbed up on the couch and had decided that The Biggest Loser was much better then sleeping. I just couldn't get over it. DS1 was never that brave. I couldn't help but laugh at him. He just looked so natural there.

She's only 2.5, so will probably grow out of it when she has her own child wink.gif

#12 Natttmumm

Posted 09 May 2012 - 12:45 PM

The advice we had was not to push the sorry. We do a cuddle at the end of time out now. It's frustrating this age but she probably is a bit out of sorts with the family stuff. They do pick up on everything.

#13 StudyMuffin

Posted 09 May 2012 - 12:51 PM

It's normal - my 2.5yr DS does it .... for things he should be sorry for he flatly refuses to say it no matter what the punishment however he is extremely forthcoming with 'sorry' if something happens that isn't his fault i.e he accidently trips over my feet.

Currently, favourite toys going on a 'time out' on a high up shelf is the only punishment that seems to evoke him to do the right thing.

#14 roses7

Posted 09 May 2012 - 12:56 PM

I think the saying sorry thing is a little overrated, especially with very small kids. You end up in a battle over the sorry rather than focusing on the original behaviour.

My niece has been forced to say sorry since she was little and what she seems to have taken away is that you can do whatever you want as long as you say sorry afterwards. One of my most memorable days was hearing my SIL say to 3yo DN as they left my house (where she had been battering my children all afternoon) " I was so proud of you today, you said sorry so nicely"  blink.gif

What I try to foster in my children is genuine empathy. I'm not interested in raising little parrots who will trot out the right phrases when I'm listening but treat others unkindly. The behaviour comes first, and then when they are a little older I remind them of the language that is considered polite.

2.5 is very young, I was mostly using distraction and ignoring bad behaviour at that age.

#15 Lakey

Posted 10 May 2012 - 08:32 PM

It's comforting to know there are others in the same situation~!  My husband constantly asks "what have we done wrong for her to be like this??"

I never know the answer.  I don't think we are especially soft on her, i hope we aren't too hard either!

#16 Lakey

Posted 10 May 2012 - 08:35 PM

StudyMuffin, our DD is exactly the same!

Brushes past me "sorry mum", yet won't say it when asked.  Agh, frustrating age  rolleyes.gif

#17 jprice

Posted 18 May 2012 - 10:56 AM

QUOTE (roses7 @ 08/05/2012, 06:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think the saying sorry thing is a little overrated, especially with very small kids. You end up in a battle over the sorry rather than focusing on the original behaviour.


That is absolutely right.  The priority should be on correcting the bad behavior, rather than apologizing for it.  If the bad behavior is dealt with, there is no need for apologies.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Natural pain relief in the early stages of labour

While managing labour pains on your own can be daunting, there are a number of natural pain relief options to help you cope until you are admitted to hospital.

Chinese woman gives birth to quintuplets

After six years of trying for a baby, a couple’s dreams have come true many times over after the mum gave birth to quintuplets this week.

Five-year-old shoots nine-month-old brother dead

A nine-month-old baby boy died on Monday after he was shot in the head by his five-year-old brother in their grandfather's home.

'Is that baby yours?'

She is my daughter. I gave birth to her. I nurse her. But she doesn't have any of my genes.

Episiotomy in childbirth: not just 'a little snip'

Episiotomies have a place in maternity care – and can occasionally save lives – but should not be performed routinely.

Toddler aggression not caused by language delays after all: study

The logic was that children who don’t have the language to fully express themselves will lash out when they’re misunderstood. Not anymore.

Why we chose to adopt a child with Down sydrome

Everyone in foster care (and really in life) has something that makes them more vulnerable. We just know what our son's is.

Object of desire

Curvy mums make clever babies

Scientists appear to have discovered why women have evolved to have more curves than men – shapely thighs and bottoms lead to healthier babies.

'We'll make sure they know how much she loved them'

A first-time mum will never get to hold her four newborns, dying shortly after giving birth to the quadruplets.

The baby names NZ knocked back in 2014

A New Zealander has tried to name their baby Senior Constable but didn't get away with it - and numbering children is also a no-no.

How can you go into labour without knowing you're pregnant?

For most of us, the idea that a woman could carry a child to full-term without knowing she is pregnant is mind-boggling.

Will you get to the hospital in time?

Worrying your baby will be delivered by the roadside is a common concern for many mothers-to-be. So how likely are you to be caught short?

Video: Funny 'Lips Are Moving' parody just for mums

Meghan Trainor's song 'Lips Are Moving' was already a hit, but now it's been turned into a hilarious parody that is set to be very popular with frustrated mums everywhere.

Out with the clutter

Decluttering by the numbers: take the 30-day challenge

Forget the 5:2 diet - Twitter's 30-day declutter challenge will have your house back in shape in no time (well, a month).

Parents, don't be too hard on yourselves

We need to stop damning parents of today, and embrace their appetite for knowledge instead.

Is my baby normal?

There are chubby Buddha babies and there are thin, smaller babies. Neither are right or wrong, they are all 'normal'.

When an older sibling starts school

When one child goes to ‘big school’ and leaves the other behind, it can cause deep upset. Here's how to make the transition easier.

Stray cat saves abandoned baby

They say dogs are man's best friend, but one cat has proven felines can be just as devoted to their human companions.

How strangers are helping a mum's wish come true after her death

A mum of five, Liz Marquez wanted to breastfeed her premmie son for a year. So when she passed away suddenly, her friends - and strangers - stepped in to help.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Stars help save choking babies

It's an important lesson to learn, but one that busy new mums and dads might overlook until it's too late.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel pregnant

Actress Zooey Deschanel is expecting her first child with her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik.

16 times 'dad reflexes' saved the day

Of course, in some cases they may be the ones who actually got their child into a precarious position in the first place, but we'll ignore that for now.

Couple's 'non-traditional' pregnancy announcement goes viral

Knowing you are not the father of your pregnant wife's baby would usually indicate a rocky relationship ahead for traditional parents.

The trials and tribulations of identical triplet newborns

Pip Donnelly is still playing spot the difference with her newborn identical triplets, Isabelle, Georgina and Frankie.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Earthquake baby thriving five years on

Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

Win with The Boxtrolls

To celebrate the release of The Boxtrolls on 3D Blu-ray, DVD & Digital with UltraViolet, we're giving you the chance to win a Boxtroll stationary package and DVD.

 

Back to School Offer

Findababysitter.com.au

We've got you covered for this school year. Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.