Jump to content

My father is going to die soon :-(
updated


  • Please log in to reply
31 replies to this topic

#1 bakesferalgirls

Posted 03 May 2012 - 06:24 PM

In July last year my father had a seizure and upon being admitted to hospital, it was found that he had 2 large brain tumours. Further testing and removal of 1 tumour showed he had a Grade IV Glioblastoma Multiforme. In short it was a definite terminal illness. No surgery or treatment is going to stop his death. Most patients don't survive past 12 months.

Being a nurse, I already knew the prognosis when they said what he had, as my specialty is neurosurgery.

Today I went with my Mum to see their local GP, to discuss what options are available to assist him with his care. I have already contacted an occupational therapist at the hospital to arrange a home assessment and eqipment. The GP informed Mum that he really should have been in palliative care a few weeks ago. I agree with him, but I have never been able to tell my Mum that in the past as I really don't want her to associate me with the bearer of all the bad news she has recieved. So far it has only been me, telling her what she can expect, and what he needs to keep him comfortable. I was the one who had to tell her that no, my Dad was not in remission as the specialist had told them (and got their hopes up), that it was just a case of the tumour that was removed hadn't regrown at the time and the one that was left, hadn't grown any larger. I felt like a really horrible person having to tell her that. I could have slapped the doctor when he mislead them with that.

Anyway, my question is, is there anything I can do to support my Mum? Anything I should be saying? I have never had to deal with this so directly before. In the past it was always someone else this was happening to.

I'm sure my Mum thinks I don't care. I do. He may not be my biological father, but he is my Dad in every way that counts. I never cry in front of her. I just can't bring myself to do it. I get through the day by treating it as though he was another one of my patients. That is how I handle it. I wish I didn't know what he has in store for him before he passes. It's just too depressing. I am glad though, that he has no real idea anymore what is happening to him, and that he has no physical pain.

Edited by bakesgirls, 14 July 2012 - 10:27 AM.


#2 baby-bliss2

Posted 03 May 2012 - 06:30 PM

First of all I am very sorry your dad is sick. I read your post and I could see was the nurse coming out in you. Worried for everyone else except yourself. Allow yourself some time to grieve, it's a time for you to be sad and upset and looked after too. I don't know what else to offer. My dad has cancer too and although my main priority is to make sure they're okay, I allow myself a little meltdown every now and then with DH (or a friend) and get on with helping them. Just be there, let your mum (and dad) know you're there for them in anyway they need you to be, even if that's just to cry along with them. x

#3 ali27

Posted 03 May 2012 - 06:36 PM

Agree with everything the PP said.
The thing your mum needs most is a sholder to cry on and some one to talk out what is happening and to help with practical stuff.
That's of help to her, but leaves you carrying the load. Make sure you have support people for you too. Wishing you, your parents and your whole family kind thoughts at this awful time.

#4 PLARK

Posted 03 May 2012 - 06:45 PM

I don't belong in this forum - I saw this in recent topics and that is how I came by your post - but I couldn't not reply.

I think you should print your post out and give it to your mum to read when she has a quiet moment, maybe prefacing it with, "mum, I love you and dad so much but I don't feel you see that because of how I am handling this so I wrote an explanation to help you to understand how I am dealing with this"(and maybe also explain you are not upset with her or anything negative - I'm sorry - I'm not great at articulating what I want to say but something along those lines to open the lines of communication and understanding)

gosh, I hope this helps, I really do.  I cannot imagine how hard this is for you and can only admire your courage and your strength.  If it helps any, I am sending you a virtual  bbighug.gif and  hands.gif

#5 bakesferalgirls

Posted 03 May 2012 - 07:03 PM

Thank you for the kind words PP's.

I guess the main thing is, I feel so so bad for my Mum. She spent too many years wasting her life with my bio father, who was abusive in everyway possible. My tiny little gentle mum put up with things that just shouldn't happen, but struggled her way through to get up the courage to leave him.

She finally met her soul mate- my step father. They have been together for 18 years. The most gentle, loving, kind, generous man ever. He worships her and would never, ever do anything that would harm or upset her. He accepted me as his own right from the start, there was never any question. He didn't have children of his own. He loves my children, he couldn't love them anymore if they were related by blood. She found this happiness, then this had to happen.

A few weeks before anything had even happened and we didn't even know he was sick, I was speaking to my Mum about how much I love my family. She said that she didn't want to imagine life without her husband and that she hoped she went first. A few weeks later, we got the news.

It breaks my heart that my DD3 will never know how wonderful he was and is, as she is 6 months old. That my DD2 will be too little to remember that much, and that DD1 will be devestated when it eventually does happen, she is the closest to him.

Most of all it breaks my heart that my mother will be without her best friend and husband.

#6 bakesferalgirls

Posted 07 May 2012 - 05:15 PM

Dad was admitted to palliative care today. I know it's not long now until we have to say good bye to him forever cry1.gif

#7 emi'smum

Posted 07 May 2012 - 05:29 PM

i understand what you are going through.

My lovely dad died of GBM just over 12 months ago over 18 months after his diagnosis.

The only thing I think my mum (and dad) wasn't prepared for was how long it would take, how much it would change him and how hard it became.

I would encourage her to accept as much support as she (and he) are comfortable with.  Being stuck at home alone with someone who sleeps 22 hours and not being able to leave because you don't know what they will do, is a scarey place to be.

My dad went in and out of palliative care 5 times before he died.

Nothing I can say will make it better, but I hope you and your family are ok.  It just sucks..

#8 PLARK

Posted 11 May 2012 - 08:14 PM

QUOTE (bakesgirls @ 07/05/2012, 12:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Dad was admitted to palliative care today. I know it's not long now until we have to say good bye to him forever cry1.gif


bakesgirl, I just found your update.  I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Please take care

emi'smum, I'm so sorry for what you went through  sad.gif

#9 bakesferalgirls

Posted 12 July 2012 - 02:17 PM

So, mum just rang. The doctors have said my dad has maybe a day or two left. My girls and I are just about to go and see him. DH is going to leave work as soon as he can to see my dad.

How did things get this bad? This time last year he was fine. He and mum were planning their next overseas trip.

If I could say a big 'F' you to cancer I would. I don't want him to die. But I don't want him to live either, he is suffering. I want it all to just hurry up, but then I feel like the worst person in the world for wishing he would go, because I really want him to live and be healthy.

#10 amabanana

Posted 12 July 2012 - 02:29 PM

I don't belong here, just came in from we are discussing.

Bakesgirls, I'm sorry to hear about your Dad.  My much loved aunt battled GBM for nearly 3 years and it is just an awful awful thing.  No one should have to suffer like that.  

I just don't know what else to say. sad.gif

Thinking of you.

#11 Sammylou

Posted 12 July 2012 - 05:49 PM

I'm so sorry  sad.gif sad.gif  Wishing you all the strength you need at this difficult time.

#12 Holidayromp

Posted 12 July 2012 - 06:04 PM

I am another one that doesn't belong here but saw the thread come up.  My thoughts go to you and your family.  Remember the good times and how your father was not how he is now.

May he finds the peace he deserves.  bbighug.gif

#13 bakesferalgirls

Posted 12 July 2012 - 07:29 PM

Thanks. I knew it ws going to be difficult, just not this difficult.

#14 FeralsCommonSense

Posted 12 July 2012 - 08:24 PM

I wish I had something to say that would ease your pain.. I will be thinking of you.

#15 wiggles

Posted 12 July 2012 - 08:38 PM

Another one who came in via recents posts. I'm also wishing you the strength you need to help you through this.

I'll be thinking of you.



#16 kadoodle

Posted 12 July 2012 - 08:44 PM

I'm so sorry, OP.  Cancer bites  sad.gif

#17 Milly Molly Mandy

Posted 12 July 2012 - 09:00 PM

Another who came in via recent posts

My heart goes out to you and your family. Nothing more I can say other than wishing you strength to get through this

#18 bakesferalgirls

Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:25 AM

My beautiful dad passed away this morning cry1.gif  He was surrounded by his family and we were sitting around laughing over things he had done, just reminiscing. Mum told him it was OK to go, and around 10 minutes later he passed. He went so peacefully. It was really lovely. I know he would have loved the fact that we were laughing about him at the time.

RIP dad. We love you. You are finally free of the pain.

#19 whydoibother

Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:31 AM

sorry to hear of your loss.  May your father RIP free pain xx

#20 Chchgirl

Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:50 AM

Well sweets I'm so sorry to hear it, I do understand personally honestly (my dh has palliative nurses now and don't think it will be too long for him either) and I feel your pain...

I was going to post the other day and never got a chance so thinking of you xx

#21 Sunny003

Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:57 AM

I've only just seen this now.

I'm so sorry for the heartache you and your family have been through recently, and moreso today. I'm glad that his last moments were spent with his very loving family and in such a beautiful way.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

#22 Therese

Posted 14 July 2012 - 11:06 AM

I am very sorry for the loss of your Dad bakesgirls.

#23 bakesferalgirls

Posted 14 July 2012 - 11:08 AM

Thank you all for your lovely thoughts and wishes. Even though we don't know eachother, it really means a lot to read the messages.

#24 FeralsCommonSense

Posted 14 July 2012 - 11:26 AM

bakesgirls I am so sorry for the loss of your father.  I will be thinking of you all in the coming days and weeks.

#25 Holidayromp

Posted 14 July 2012 - 03:46 PM

I have been following your thread and I am so sorry for your loss.  I am glad that your father passed peacefully surrounded by his loving family.  It was a time for memories.  He would have passed hearing the laughter, such a neat way to pass.

xo


1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Win $1000 with Sea-Bands!

Three lucky fans can win a Sea-Band prize pack valued at over $1000 each, which includes two Sea-Bands plus a $1000 Eftpos gift card!

Misery loves Facebook

Facebook users are often criticised for only showing the positive, fun parts of their lives. But what about when it swings the other way, when someone uses it for the purposes of ranting about their children all the time, never posting anything positive?

Toddler's adorable impersonation of pregnant mum

Little Ellis has noticed his mum is walking differently lately, and his impersonation of her is hilarious.

'Forgotten baby syndrome' can happen to any one of us

When my third child was two months old, I strapped her into her car seat, then promptly forgot all about her. But she survived, unharmed, because it was winter, and I was lucky.

Join the Real Mums Test Drive Team

Five mums or mums-to-be will join the EB Test Drive Team and discover great items at an exclusive Big W event. (Sydney only.)

Ten things I've learned about motherhood

Never take a good night's sleep for granted. There is no logic like toddler logic. Standing on Lego hurts every time. These are the truths of parenthood.

Parenting past the toddler years: what's next?

Your baby has grown into a toddler, and now your toddler is fast approaching the preschooler stage. What can you expect as a parent?

Tips on what to pack in your hospital bag

Before giving birth I read countless lists, ended up overpacking just a little, and now know what I'll actually want to pack next time.

New app keeps tabs on your kids at childcare

Popular new technology lets parents know what their children are up to at childcare - but not everyone is a fan.

21 things I love about newborns

There?s an irresistible magic about newborns. Of course they're not all smiles and rainbows, but they are undeniably cute and remarkable in so, so many ways.

Kid-friendly hairdressers: who says haircuts can?t be fun?

I?ve found some salons who boast setups ideal for children ? you name it, they?ve thought of it. All are designed to make haircuts fun rather than stressful.

Labour pain relief may reduce risk of postnatal depression: study

Postnatal depression is a complex condition, but researchers say pain relief during labour may help some women.

Why we need better support for men after miscarriage

In a recent study, 85 per cent of men admitted feeling sadness after their partner miscarried, but almost half said they didn't share their feelings at all. What can be done to help them?

Mum in business: Kristy Chong

Kristy Chong is the managing director of Australian-made Modibodi underwear and a mum to Lucas, 6, Jason, 4, and Isaac, 6 months. She shares her advice for other mums thinking about starting their own businesses.

From toddler to preschooler: a developmental roadmap

So your toddler is growing up and will soon be entering the preschooler years. Here are a few ways to frame their development that will help you understand what?s going in those beautiful, funny, clever little heads of theirs.

Mum sacrifices an eye for her unborn baby

Motherhood is full of sacrifices, but this woman has made a life-altering one - and her baby hasn't even been born.

A grandparent by any other name

A growing number of grandparents are shunning tradition and going against conventional names - but a grandparent by any other name still gives the same awesome cuddles and kisses.

Photographer captures the beauty of adoption

The love of a family is usually tough to capture on camera. This is an exception.

When labour just doesn't happen

After three healthy kids, I can?t help feeling I?ve been a little ripped off. I missed out on something I had always wanted to experience, and now I?ll never get the chance.

Be careful what you say, your baby is listening

The importance of speaking to your baby even if they are not old enough to answer back has been highlighted by new research.

Share the little things that make you smile

We're giving away a Mountain Buggy nano, the ultimate travel stroller - and here are some of the great entries so far.

Win a Mountain Buggy nano

We?re giving away the new Mountain Buggy Nano - the lightweight travel buggy! So show us the little things that make you smile for your chance to win.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win a Mountain Buggy nano

We?re giving away the new Mountain Buggy Nano - the lightweight travel buggy! So show us the little things that make you smile for your chance to win.

Be careful what you say, your baby is listening

The importance of speaking to your baby even if they are not old enough to answer back has been highlighted by new research.

Win $1000 with Sea-Bands!

Three lucky fans can win a Sea-Band prize pack valued at over $1000 each, which includes two Sea-Bands plus a $1000 Eftpos gift card!

The beautiful moment a baby was born at the side of a road

It's not where she expected to give birth, but mum Corrine Cinatl is delighted that her daughter's roadside arrival was captured in a series of beautiful photos.

Doctor sings first Happy Birthday to newborns

His job is to deliver babies, but this US obstetrician also has a unique way of celebrating the miracle of life.

Join the Real Mums Test Drive Team

Five mums or mums-to-be will join the EB Test Drive Team and discover great items at an exclusive Big W event. (Sydney only.)

The Nappy Collective starts new drive

It's that time of year when the dedicated volunteers at The Nappy Collective do their bit to help out mums and children in need - and they need your help.

Baby shower cake wrecks

From misshapen cake babies to questionable text, from odd colour choices to internal organ recreation, these are the baby shower cakes that taste forgot.

Photographer captures the beauty of adoption

The love of a family is usually tough to capture on camera. This is an exception.

Pregnancy progression photo ideas

Want to record your pregnancy as your belly grows? Here are some creative, fun ideas for photo shoots along the way.

The myths and facts about "normal" breastfeeding

When it comes to successful breastfeeding, there is a wide variety to what is "normal", according to new research.

Tin can craft and DIY ideas

Got a few old formula, Milo or coffee cans around the house? Use these fantastic upcycling ideas to create items for around the house and yard.

Dads meet their newborn for the first time

Emotional photos of two fathers meeting their newborn son have resonated with viewers worldwide, attracting thousands of Facebook likes and shares.

Skin safety isn't just a summer worry

Lax about the slip slop slap with your kids as weather turns cooler? Here's a reminder as to why we have to remain vigilant for our children?s future health.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

Creative sleeping baby photoshoots

See how some parents and photographers have captured sleeping babies in unusual positions and using different props.

DIY kitchen and food hacks

DIY your way to a better kitchen and make cooking easier with our clever hacks. (Some content reproduced with permission from mashable.com.)

Winter warmers for babies and toddlers

Your baby or toddler will be nice and snug in these beautiful and fun winter pieces. Most are hand-made or knitted, and they're all designed to keep your little one toastie - and adorable!

 

Mind, body, beauty, life

Making time for me

We look at your wellbeing, covering health, relationships, beauty and fashion, mind and body.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.