My father is going to die soon :-(
, May 03 2012 06:24 PM
31 replies to this topic
Posted 03 May 2012 - 06:24 PM
In July last year my father had a seizure and upon being admitted to hospital, it was found that he had 2 large brain tumours. Further testing and removal of 1 tumour showed he had a Grade IV Glioblastoma Multiforme. In short it was a definite terminal illness. No surgery or treatment is going to stop his death. Most patients don't survive past 12 months.
Being a nurse, I already knew the prognosis when they said what he had, as my specialty is neurosurgery.
Today I went with my Mum to see their local GP, to discuss what options are available to assist him with his care. I have already contacted an occupational therapist at the hospital to arrange a home assessment and eqipment. The GP informed Mum that he really should have been in palliative care a few weeks ago. I agree with him, but I have never been able to tell my Mum that in the past as I really don't want her to associate me with the bearer of all the bad news she has recieved. So far it has only been me, telling her what she can expect, and what he needs to keep him comfortable. I was the one who had to tell her that no, my Dad was not in remission as the specialist had told them (and got their hopes up), that it was just a case of the tumour that was removed hadn't regrown at the time and the one that was left, hadn't grown any larger. I felt like a really horrible person having to tell her that. I could have slapped the doctor when he mislead them with that.
Anyway, my question is, is there anything I can do to support my Mum? Anything I should be saying? I have never had to deal with this so directly before. In the past it was always someone else this was happening to.
I'm sure my Mum thinks I don't care. I do. He may not be my biological father, but he is my Dad in every way that counts. I never cry in front of her. I just can't bring myself to do it. I get through the day by treating it as though he was another one of my patients. That is how I handle it. I wish I didn't know what he has in store for him before he passes. It's just too depressing. I am glad though, that he has no real idea anymore what is happening to him, and that he has no physical pain.
Edited by bakesgirls, 14 July 2012 - 10:27 AM.
Posted 03 May 2012 - 06:30 PM
First of all I am very sorry your dad is sick. I read your post and I could see was the nurse coming out in you. Worried for everyone else except yourself. Allow yourself some time to grieve, it's a time for you to be sad and upset and looked after too. I don't know what else to offer. My dad has cancer too and although my main priority is to make sure they're okay, I allow myself a little meltdown every now and then with DH (or a friend) and get on with helping them. Just be there, let your mum (and dad) know you're there for them in anyway they need you to be, even if that's just to cry along with them. x
Posted 03 May 2012 - 06:36 PM
Agree with everything the PP said.
The thing your mum needs most is a sholder to cry on and some one to talk out what is happening and to help with practical stuff.
That's of help to her, but leaves you carrying the load. Make sure you have support people for you too. Wishing you, your parents and your whole family kind thoughts at this awful time.
Posted 03 May 2012 - 06:45 PM
I don't belong in this forum - I saw this in recent topics and that is how I came by your post - but I couldn't not reply.
I think you should print your post out and give it to your mum to read when she has a quiet moment, maybe prefacing it with, "mum, I love you and dad so much but I don't feel you see that because of how I am handling this so I wrote an explanation to help you to understand how I am dealing with this"(and maybe also explain you are not upset with her or anything negative - I'm sorry - I'm not great at articulating what I want to say but something along those lines to open the lines of communication and understanding)
gosh, I hope this helps, I really do. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you and can only admire your courage and your strength. If it helps any, I am sending you a virtual
Posted 03 May 2012 - 07:03 PM
Thank you for the kind words PP's.
I guess the main thing is, I feel so so bad for my Mum. She spent too many years wasting her life with my bio father, who was abusive in everyway possible. My tiny little gentle mum put up with things that just shouldn't happen, but struggled her way through to get up the courage to leave him.
She finally met her soul mate- my step father. They have been together for 18 years. The most gentle, loving, kind, generous man ever. He worships her and would never, ever do anything that would harm or upset her. He accepted me as his own right from the start, there was never any question. He didn't have children of his own. He loves my children, he couldn't love them anymore if they were related by blood. She found this happiness, then this had to happen.
A few weeks before anything had even happened and we didn't even know he was sick, I was speaking to my Mum about how much I love my family. She said that she didn't want to imagine life without her husband and that she hoped she went first. A few weeks later, we got the news.
It breaks my heart that my DD3 will never know how wonderful he was and is, as she is 6 months old. That my DD2 will be too little to remember that much, and that DD1 will be devestated when it eventually does happen, she is the closest to him.
Most of all it breaks my heart that my mother will be without her best friend and husband.
Posted 07 May 2012 - 05:15 PM
Dad was admitted to palliative care today. I know it's not long now until we have to say good bye to him forever
Posted 07 May 2012 - 05:29 PM
i understand what you are going through.
My lovely dad died of GBM just over 12 months ago over 18 months after his diagnosis.
The only thing I think my mum (and dad) wasn't prepared for was how long it would take, how much it would change him and how hard it became.
I would encourage her to accept as much support as she (and he) are comfortable with. Being stuck at home alone with someone who sleeps 22 hours and not being able to leave because you don't know what they will do, is a scarey place to be.
My dad went in and out of palliative care 5 times before he died.
Nothing I can say will make it better, but I hope you and your family are ok. It just sucks..
Posted 11 May 2012 - 08:14 PM
Dad was admitted to palliative care today. I know it's not long now until we have to say good bye to him forever
bakesgirl, I just found your update. I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Please take care
emi'smum, I'm so sorry for what you went through
Posted 12 July 2012 - 02:17 PM
So, mum just rang. The doctors have said my dad has maybe a day or two left. My girls and I are just about to go and see him. DH is going to leave work as soon as he can to see my dad.
How did things get this bad? This time last year he was fine. He and mum were planning their next overseas trip.
If I could say a big 'F' you to cancer I would. I don't want him to die. But I don't want him to live either, he is suffering. I want it all to just hurry up, but then I feel like the worst person in the world for wishing he would go, because I really want him to live and be healthy.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 02:29 PM
I don't belong here, just came in from we are discussing.
Bakesgirls, I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. My much loved aunt battled GBM for nearly 3 years and it is just an awful awful thing. No one should have to suffer like that.
I just don't know what else to say.
Thinking of you.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 05:49 PM
I'm so sorry
Wishing you all the strength you need at this difficult time.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 06:04 PM
I am another one that doesn't belong here but saw the thread come up. My thoughts go to you and your family. Remember the good times and how your father was not how he is now.
May he finds the peace he deserves.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 07:29 PM
Thanks. I knew it ws going to be difficult, just not this difficult.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 08:24 PM
I wish I had something to say that would ease your pain.. I will be thinking of you.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 08:38 PM
Another one who came in via recents posts. I'm also wishing you the strength you need to help you through this.
I'll be thinking of you.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 08:44 PM
I'm so sorry, OP. Cancer bites
Posted 12 July 2012 - 09:00 PM
Another who came in via recent posts
My heart goes out to you and your family. Nothing more I can say other than wishing you strength to get through this
Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:25 AM
My beautiful dad passed away this morning
He was surrounded by his family and we were sitting around laughing over things he had done, just reminiscing. Mum told him it was OK to go, and around 10 minutes later he passed. He went so peacefully. It was really lovely. I know he would have loved the fact that we were laughing about him at the time.
RIP dad. We love you. You are finally free of the pain.
Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:31 AM
sorry to hear of your loss. May your father RIP free pain xx
Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:50 AM
Well sweets I'm so sorry to hear it, I do understand personally honestly (my dh has palliative nurses now and don't think it will be too long for him either) and I feel your pain...
I was going to post the other day and never got a chance so thinking of you xx
Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:57 AM
I've only just seen this now.
I'm so sorry for the heartache you and your family have been through recently, and moreso today. I'm glad that his last moments were spent with his very loving family and in such a beautiful way.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Posted 14 July 2012 - 11:06 AM
I am very sorry for the loss of your Dad bakesgirls.
Posted 14 July 2012 - 11:08 AM
Thank you all for your lovely thoughts and wishes. Even though we don't know eachother, it really means a lot to read the messages.
Posted 14 July 2012 - 11:26 AM
bakesgirls I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I will be thinking of you all in the coming days and weeks.
Posted 14 July 2012 - 03:46 PM
I have been following your thread and I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that your father passed peacefully surrounded by his loving family. It was a time for memories. He would have passed hearing the laughter, such a neat way to pass.
1 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users
To celebrate Essential Baby reaching half a million Facebook fans, we have a Mountain Buggy Swift to giveaway to a lucky fan.
You're out shopping with your little one and they're incessantly whining that they want a treat. It's easy to say no ... the first time, at least.
A jacket similar to the one found with the remains of a brutally murdered little girl in South Australia has been identified on eBay.
Shelley Parker had to keep driving buses until the date her baby was due and will have to rush back to work at the end of this week after being denied paid parental leave on a "technicality".
It has to be the most original way ever of promoting a children's book donation day.
Some parents who conceived through a sperm donor will be wary of telling the child, while others prefer to deal with it early on. But recent research suggests it makes little difference either way.
We've probably all seen a passed-out bridesmaid at one wedding or another, but it usually happens towards the end of the night.
Pregnant TV meteorologist Katie Fehlinger has hit back at haters who called her a "sausage in casing".
I didn't want to say anything negative to my pregnant friend, but I wish I'd been more honest.
Harper had seen rain from the comfort of indoors before, but had never had the pleasure of being outside and experiencing it first hand.
Many people suppose that it must be much more tiring to have a baby in middle age, but all the mothers in the playground look exhausted, whatever their age.
An American reality TV star has been busted with a cheating website account, according to US media.
A little girl is more alert and starting to talk after being hit by a car a week ago, but still faces a long recovery.
Q: My almost-3-year-old is starting to figure out that he can lie when asked if he ripped the book, threw the food, hit his brother, etc. Totally normal, I know. How do we respond?
A mum-to-be experiences the frustration of dealing with Centrelink, myGov and everything in between.
Singer Kelly Clarkson has announced she is pregnant with her second child during a concert in Los Angeles.
At least three sites are republishing Ashley Madison's user data on the public-facing internet.
There are a fair few ways to distract yourself and beat pains while in labour, but it's probably a rare woman who chooses her dance her way through it.
Baby Jacob, whose photo of him born at just 27 weeks was deemed 'too graphic' for a fundraising site, has died.
Niall Pilkington's death last summer apparently raised little alarm in Bellefontaine, Ohio. Tragic accidents happen, after all.
When a group of researchers studied nearly 3500 mothers and their babies, they noticed a curious pattern.
Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.
Thirty seconds was all it took to turn a shopping trip into my worst nightmare.
George has overtaken William in the official rankings of most popular British baby names - and Game of Thrones is still having an impact on parents.
What's more important, a baby or a baseball? That's a question this dad seems to struggle with.
It's not often you hear the words labour and luxury in the same sentence but for some, a 5-star start to parenthood is exactly what they seek. And with a number of private hospitals now offering packages which include a post-birth stay at a sumptuous first class resort, many mums are choosing to recover in style.
Most women carry a smidge of baby weight after giving birth. If you're lucky enough to have an older child in the house, they can keep you on track with your weight loss goals.
Is it too soon to be reading to my two-month-old son? If not, what should I read?
Sibling rivalry is an act of competition, but if your children feel involved and special, this type of jealousy will be minimised.
I remember when I was trying to decide if I could combine motherhood and furthering my university education.
To celebrate dads and families, we are giving away a Picos Pack from Pacapod Australia filled with a few extra goodies ENTER NOW
A mother has had a frantic race to the hospital after her daughter was hit by a car, just four weeks after her infant son died.
A six-month-old baby girl is trapped in the Thai capital in a bitter custody wrangle between her Thai surrogate mother and her biological father.
A mother of six has been denied access to IVF treatment in order to have another child over concerns about her parenting skills.
Exhausted parents from around the world are singing the praises of a "miracle" book which promises to put even the most restless child to sleep in just minutes.
Parenthood can make you feel bad, but you're not alone.
The British royal family criticized paparazzi on Friday for what it called their increasingly dangerous attempts to photograph young Prince George.
"Anti-vaxxers" face not being able to send their children to childcare centres or kindergarten if they refuse to have them immunised.
Giving birth in a hospital surrounded by medical experts is tough enough, but some women deliver babies without a clean sheet to lie on.
When their son Jacob was born at just 27 weeks, Christina and Jeff Hinks were thrown into an uncertain world.
Bugaboo sure likes to keep things fresh, and with the Australian spring/summer season coming up, there are two new Bugaboo pram releases.
Mum's room or their own room? Cot or bassinets? Deciding where twins will sleep can be tricky.
Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!