My father is going to die soon :-(
, May 03 2012 06:24 PM
31 replies to this topic
Posted 03 May 2012 - 06:24 PM
In July last year my father had a seizure and upon being admitted to hospital, it was found that he had 2 large brain tumours. Further testing and removal of 1 tumour showed he had a Grade IV Glioblastoma Multiforme. In short it was a definite terminal illness. No surgery or treatment is going to stop his death. Most patients don't survive past 12 months.
Being a nurse, I already knew the prognosis when they said what he had, as my specialty is neurosurgery.
Today I went with my Mum to see their local GP, to discuss what options are available to assist him with his care. I have already contacted an occupational therapist at the hospital to arrange a home assessment and eqipment. The GP informed Mum that he really should have been in palliative care a few weeks ago. I agree with him, but I have never been able to tell my Mum that in the past as I really don't want her to associate me with the bearer of all the bad news she has recieved. So far it has only been me, telling her what she can expect, and what he needs to keep him comfortable. I was the one who had to tell her that no, my Dad was not in remission as the specialist had told them (and got their hopes up), that it was just a case of the tumour that was removed hadn't regrown at the time and the one that was left, hadn't grown any larger. I felt like a really horrible person having to tell her that. I could have slapped the doctor when he mislead them with that.
Anyway, my question is, is there anything I can do to support my Mum? Anything I should be saying? I have never had to deal with this so directly before. In the past it was always someone else this was happening to.
I'm sure my Mum thinks I don't care. I do. He may not be my biological father, but he is my Dad in every way that counts. I never cry in front of her. I just can't bring myself to do it. I get through the day by treating it as though he was another one of my patients. That is how I handle it. I wish I didn't know what he has in store for him before he passes. It's just too depressing. I am glad though, that he has no real idea anymore what is happening to him, and that he has no physical pain.
Edited by bakesgirls, 14 July 2012 - 10:27 AM.
Posted 03 May 2012 - 06:30 PM
First of all I am very sorry your dad is sick. I read your post and I could see was the nurse coming out in you. Worried for everyone else except yourself. Allow yourself some time to grieve, it's a time for you to be sad and upset and looked after too. I don't know what else to offer. My dad has cancer too and although my main priority is to make sure they're okay, I allow myself a little meltdown every now and then with DH (or a friend) and get on with helping them. Just be there, let your mum (and dad) know you're there for them in anyway they need you to be, even if that's just to cry along with them. x
Posted 03 May 2012 - 06:36 PM
Agree with everything the PP said.
The thing your mum needs most is a sholder to cry on and some one to talk out what is happening and to help with practical stuff.
That's of help to her, but leaves you carrying the load. Make sure you have support people for you too. Wishing you, your parents and your whole family kind thoughts at this awful time.
Posted 03 May 2012 - 06:45 PM
I don't belong in this forum - I saw this in recent topics and that is how I came by your post - but I couldn't not reply.
I think you should print your post out and give it to your mum to read when she has a quiet moment, maybe prefacing it with, "mum, I love you and dad so much but I don't feel you see that because of how I am handling this so I wrote an explanation to help you to understand how I am dealing with this"(and maybe also explain you are not upset with her or anything negative - I'm sorry - I'm not great at articulating what I want to say but something along those lines to open the lines of communication and understanding)
gosh, I hope this helps, I really do. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you and can only admire your courage and your strength. If it helps any, I am sending you a virtual
Posted 03 May 2012 - 07:03 PM
Thank you for the kind words PP's.
I guess the main thing is, I feel so so bad for my Mum. She spent too many years wasting her life with my bio father, who was abusive in everyway possible. My tiny little gentle mum put up with things that just shouldn't happen, but struggled her way through to get up the courage to leave him.
She finally met her soul mate- my step father. They have been together for 18 years. The most gentle, loving, kind, generous man ever. He worships her and would never, ever do anything that would harm or upset her. He accepted me as his own right from the start, there was never any question. He didn't have children of his own. He loves my children, he couldn't love them anymore if they were related by blood. She found this happiness, then this had to happen.
A few weeks before anything had even happened and we didn't even know he was sick, I was speaking to my Mum about how much I love my family. She said that she didn't want to imagine life without her husband and that she hoped she went first. A few weeks later, we got the news.
It breaks my heart that my DD3 will never know how wonderful he was and is, as she is 6 months old. That my DD2 will be too little to remember that much, and that DD1 will be devestated when it eventually does happen, she is the closest to him.
Most of all it breaks my heart that my mother will be without her best friend and husband.
Posted 07 May 2012 - 05:15 PM
Dad was admitted to palliative care today. I know it's not long now until we have to say good bye to him forever
Posted 07 May 2012 - 05:29 PM
i understand what you are going through.
My lovely dad died of GBM just over 12 months ago over 18 months after his diagnosis.
The only thing I think my mum (and dad) wasn't prepared for was how long it would take, how much it would change him and how hard it became.
I would encourage her to accept as much support as she (and he) are comfortable with. Being stuck at home alone with someone who sleeps 22 hours and not being able to leave because you don't know what they will do, is a scarey place to be.
My dad went in and out of palliative care 5 times before he died.
Nothing I can say will make it better, but I hope you and your family are ok. It just sucks..
Posted 11 May 2012 - 08:14 PM
Dad was admitted to palliative care today. I know it's not long now until we have to say good bye to him forever
bakesgirl, I just found your update. I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Please take care
emi'smum, I'm so sorry for what you went through
Posted 12 July 2012 - 02:17 PM
So, mum just rang. The doctors have said my dad has maybe a day or two left. My girls and I are just about to go and see him. DH is going to leave work as soon as he can to see my dad.
How did things get this bad? This time last year he was fine. He and mum were planning their next overseas trip.
If I could say a big 'F' you to cancer I would. I don't want him to die. But I don't want him to live either, he is suffering. I want it all to just hurry up, but then I feel like the worst person in the world for wishing he would go, because I really want him to live and be healthy.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 02:29 PM
I don't belong here, just came in from we are discussing.
Bakesgirls, I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. My much loved aunt battled GBM for nearly 3 years and it is just an awful awful thing. No one should have to suffer like that.
I just don't know what else to say.
Thinking of you.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 05:49 PM
I'm so sorry
Wishing you all the strength you need at this difficult time.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 06:04 PM
I am another one that doesn't belong here but saw the thread come up. My thoughts go to you and your family. Remember the good times and how your father was not how he is now.
May he finds the peace he deserves.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 07:29 PM
Thanks. I knew it ws going to be difficult, just not this difficult.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 08:24 PM
I wish I had something to say that would ease your pain.. I will be thinking of you.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 08:38 PM
Another one who came in via recents posts. I'm also wishing you the strength you need to help you through this.
I'll be thinking of you.
Posted 12 July 2012 - 08:44 PM
I'm so sorry, OP. Cancer bites
Posted 12 July 2012 - 09:00 PM
Another who came in via recent posts
My heart goes out to you and your family. Nothing more I can say other than wishing you strength to get through this
Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:25 AM
My beautiful dad passed away this morning
He was surrounded by his family and we were sitting around laughing over things he had done, just reminiscing. Mum told him it was OK to go, and around 10 minutes later he passed. He went so peacefully. It was really lovely. I know he would have loved the fact that we were laughing about him at the time.
RIP dad. We love you. You are finally free of the pain.
Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:31 AM
sorry to hear of your loss. May your father RIP free pain xx
Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:50 AM
Well sweets I'm so sorry to hear it, I do understand personally honestly (my dh has palliative nurses now and don't think it will be too long for him either) and I feel your pain...
I was going to post the other day and never got a chance so thinking of you xx
Posted 14 July 2012 - 10:57 AM
I've only just seen this now.
I'm so sorry for the heartache you and your family have been through recently, and moreso today. I'm glad that his last moments were spent with his very loving family and in such a beautiful way.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Posted 14 July 2012 - 11:06 AM
I am very sorry for the loss of your Dad bakesgirls.
Posted 14 July 2012 - 11:08 AM
Thank you all for your lovely thoughts and wishes. Even though we don't know eachother, it really means a lot to read the messages.
Posted 14 July 2012 - 11:26 AM
bakesgirls I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I will be thinking of you all in the coming days and weeks.
Posted 14 July 2012 - 03:46 PM
I have been following your thread and I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that your father passed peacefully surrounded by his loving family. It was a time for memories. He would have passed hearing the laughter, such a neat way to pass.
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