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Does your mum/MIL freak out when your baby cries?
Should their anxiety be greater than mine?


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#26 soontobegran

Posted 23 April 2012 - 09:16 AM

QUOTE (meggs1 @ 22/04/2012, 07:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It's definitely their generation.  And actually I feel a bit sorry for them.  

We get educated about overstimulation, and to expect some unsettled periods, because "that's what babies do", and can at least try to ride it out without assuming we have caused it.


No it's not 'their generation' so no sympathy needed. original.gif  Since I am that generation as are many of my peers who care for their grandchildren on a daily basis quite calmly and competently, I can assure you it is a personal thing.
Just like mothers differ in their responses to their babies, so will their mothers parents and unless they are toxic people in their lives it is worth putting up with their 'quirks' just to have that added support.



#27 Hooray Henry

Posted 23 April 2012 - 09:30 AM

My Mum is better with crying babies than I am, but sadly lives interstate so I miss out.   She is happy to cuddle and settle an upset infant for as long as it takes.  I wish she lived closer.


#28 AryaStar

Posted 23 April 2012 - 09:45 AM

QUOTE (soontobegran @ 23/04/2012, 09:16 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No it's not 'their generation' so no sympathy needed. original.gif  Since I am that generation as are many of my peers who care for their grandchildren on a daily basis quite calmly and competently, I can assure you it is a personal thing.


Meggs can correct me if I'm wrong but I think she meant that parents nowadays are lucky to have so much more access to information about babies and their cognitive and physical development and understand that there could be any number of reasons why a baby might be unsettled and fussy whereas our mothers and grandmothers seem to attribute all crying to wind or teething for the most part.

I don't think she was saying that all women of a certain generation are hysterical and incompetent when dealing with babies. You guys did an awesome job. You raised us.  biggrin.gif

Edited by Shady Lane, 23 April 2012 - 09:56 AM.


#29 Bluenomi

Posted 23 April 2012 - 09:57 AM

I found MIL was terrible. Mum was ok but she had babies of her own much more recently and lots of little nieces around so she can remember what babies are like. MIL hasn't have to deal with a baby since BIL was one 30 years ago!

For the first 3 months everytime DD cried it was colic or wind. Every time. Never mind she was due a feed or had a dirty nappy, it had to be colic or wind. After 3 months everything was due to teething. She didn't get any teeth until 10 months but yet accordig to MIL they were bothering her from 3 months.

She got better when her friends started becoming grandparents and she spend time with other babies. I think she remembered how much they do cry.

She still dolled out the breastfeeding advice though wink.gif I never bothered listening, she never breastfed a day in her life so didn't really know what she was on about

#30 treefalls

Posted 23 April 2012 - 10:29 AM

QUOTE (Diana_Barry @ 22/04/2012, 10:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Still, they're absolute best friends and it is so adorable.  DP and I joke about having our feelings hurt - when DS is with his Grandma and either of us try to take him, or kiss him, or engage him in any way, he literally reaches out a hand and pushes us away.  He doesn't see her that often, you'd think he'd forget or take some time to warm up to her, but she appears and his whole face lights up and we lose him until she buggers off home again.  

So yes, not only did we feel like our parenting was being questioned all along, now his behaviour suggests that he knows she's the only one who loves him properly wink.gif

Totally! My son pretty much prefers his grandparents over us, he gets so much attention from them! It really is great that my kids have them.

I suppose what I was really wondering is whether or not I should be as worried as they suggest? Should I be cutting things out of my diet and and 'buying into' the panic. After reading what everyone here has posted I feel a lot more concrete in my own assessment of how things really are. But yesterday was the first time I really worried about her crying as I couldn't do anything to settle her!

QUOTE (bertiemum @ 23/04/2012, 09:30 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My Mum is better with crying babies than I am, but sadly lives interstate so I miss out.   She is happy to cuddle and settle an upset infant for as long as it takes.  I wish she lived closer.

Thanks for sharing that Bertiemum, I really hope I don't sound like I'm complaining because it's so great to have the support that I do. It's just amazing to me that my mum will do whatever it takes, too... She will walk her and rock her endlessly, but at the same time you can see her tension rising and rising and more and more talk about, "What's wrong? What's wrong?" in the hope that somehow we're going to figure it out!!  rolleyes.gif ....I think the question she should really be asking herself is, "How I can I prevent myself from feeling like this again?" - but the answer to that lies within herself, not with my boobs!

#31 mum201

Posted 23 April 2012 - 10:32 AM

With us it's my grandmother. I find it annoying to go to my mums because every time he is the tiniest bit unsettled she says 'oh you must be hungry'. This is the call for me to action this sage advice even if baby ate 30 mins prior and I have said 5 times that it's because he is overstimulated and due for a nap. Aaaaaaahhhhh

#32 redkris

Posted 23 April 2012 - 10:51 AM

QUOTE
Meggs can correct me if I'm wrong but I think she meant that parents nowadays are lucky to have so much more access to information about babies and their cognitive and physical development and understand that there could be any number of reasons why a baby might be unsettled and fussy whereas our mothers and grandmothers seem to attribute all crying to wind or teething for the most part.

Thing is, that leads to a whole nother kind of hysteria...it's why you get posters on here saying that they never go anywhere in the car because their baby might cry, stress, cortisol, blah blah, can't put their baby down for a single second because they might cry, stress, cortisol, blah blah, can't let baby entertain themselves because they might cry, can't let someone else babysit, because baby might cry, stress, permanent issues blah blah.
Sometimes too much knowledge is just as bad as not enough....I tend to think that the stressed out mothers and MIL's would do just as much freaking out if they had their babies now, they would just find different justifications for it and we'd be calling them helicopter parents. The more laid back mums would be the same whether they had their kids now or 35 years ago.
FTR both my mum and MIL aren't worried by crying babies at all, but MIL ran family daycare for 0-2 year olds, and my mum had twins 2 years after me, and one of them had reflux. Lots of crying for both of them, so they aren't fazed. My mum mentioned wind, but only in passing...apparently when she was in hospital all the mums had roast with cabbage one night, and every baby on the ward was screaming for hours, so she told me to be cautious with cabbage, turned out she was right!

#33 sjm218

Posted 23 April 2012 - 10:53 AM

Funny I never thoughtvabout this until I read your post....my sisters (in their 50s) are like this with regard to wind etc. My mum who had 8 children herself can stand my kids crying and will do anything to stop including feeding ice cream to my 5 1/2 month old (good girl spat it out!). I put my mums feelings down to the fact that she doesn't need to be the parent with rules etc, she just gets to love and comfort them.

My sisters Are most likely the same. I guess I was lucky in that it didn't get to me at all, I just thought it odd that my pretty windlesss bubbies suddenly got it everyvtime they visited!


#34 Goldenblack

Posted 23 April 2012 - 11:25 AM

My MIL does not freak out, but she does think the baby cries because she hates her!  And she gets very stressed about it, worrying what she is doing wrong, saying 'Oh, she just doesn't like me'.

Both she and my mother cannot quite believe the howling is due to being overtired and worry that the kidlet is ill, but seem a bit better at taking on board my constant repetition of: She's tired, she just needs a nap, and you people are SO much more interesting than a nap that she's refusing to.

I have no idea what to do about the constant 'The baby hates me!' comments though, ugh.

#35 soontobegran

Posted 23 April 2012 - 11:28 AM

QUOTE (Shady Lane @ 23/04/2012, 09:45 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Meggs can correct me if I'm wrong but I think she meant that parents nowadays are lucky to have so much more access to information about babies and their cognitive and physical development and understand that there could be any number of reasons why a baby might be unsettled and fussy whereas our mothers and grandmothers seem to attribute all crying to wind or teething for the most part.

I don't think she was saying that all women of a certain generation are hysterical and incompetent when dealing with babies. You guys did an awesome job. You raised us.  biggrin.gif



I guess it depends on what age group they are and perhaps their background. original.gif
I know I had access to lots of information but that was perhaps because I worked in the field but I (56) did come from an incredibly cruisy mum (86) and nana (would be 104) who took to mothering like ducks to water and I remember my mum being convinced that colic was a problem of the mother and not the baby. My mum demand fed when others had 'routine', she BF all babies until the next one arrived...she was a bit of a rebel for her time.

I do agree though with redkris. I think there is an information overload these days courtesy of the WWW. I think it has actually had a negative effect on many young mums ability to mother in a way that is right for her and her baby. sad.gif

Like I said in a PP, I feel as though I am the person my kids come to reassure them of normality, whether that is because I have always been a mellow type of mum or because of my job?
Either way I am happy to be anyone's go to girl original.gif

#36 AryaStar

Posted 23 April 2012 - 01:08 PM

QUOTE (redkris @ 23/04/2012, 10:51 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thing is, that leads to a whole nother kind of hysteria...

The more laid back mums would be the same whether they had their kids now or 35 years ago.


I actually think you are onto something here. For me I find all the info about baby development etc quite reassuring because it means that sometimes my baby is simply going to cry, I'm not necessarily going to know why, it has nothing to do with my "failure" as a mother, it is not uncommon, I don't need to have all the answers and all I can do is my best to try and comfort them as required.

Yet the very same information in someone else's hands can lead to a completely different interpretation, and the kind of over-anxious response that you are talking about. That's the catch-22. Knowledge is power. But too much knowledge can be dangerous because it has the capacity to create more anxiety than it alleviates.

#37 zogee

Posted 24 April 2012 - 05:39 PM

QUOTE (redkris @ 23/04/2012, 10:51 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thing is, that leads to a whole nother kind of hysteria...it's why you get posters on here saying that they never go anywhere in the car because their baby might cry, stress, cortisol, blah blah, can't put their baby down for a single second because they might cry, stress, cortisol, blah blah, can't let baby entertain themselves because they might cry, can't let someone else babysit, because baby might cry, stress, permanent issues blah blah.
Sometimes too much knowledge is just as bad as not enough....I tend to think that the stressed out mothers and MIL's would do just as much freaking out if they had their babies now, they would just find different justifications for it and we'd be calling them helicopter parents. The more laid back mums would be the same whether they had their kids now or 35 years ago.
FTR both my mum and MIL aren't worried by crying babies at all, but MIL ran family daycare for 0-2 year olds, and my mum had twins 2 years after me, and one of them had reflux. Lots of crying for both of them, so they aren't fazed. My mum mentioned wind, but only in passing...apparently when she was in hospital all the mums had roast with cabbage one night, and every baby on the ward was screaming for hours, so she told me to be cautious with cabbage, turned out she was right!

I completely agree with this!!  original.gif I am lucky in that I haven't so far had many times where my baby has cried or been unsettled for more than an hour or so, and I know I would find that pretty stressful. Good on you for being so cool, calm and collected!

But I do understand what you mean OP, my MIL always asks what's wrong the minute either of my kids makes a peep. I also do believe that wind and colic exists  ph34r.gif but I don't think there's much you can do about it!

Edited by zogee, 24 April 2012 - 05:40 PM.


#38 Relish*

Posted 25 April 2012 - 12:34 PM

Ah yes my Mum does this and it drives me nuts! There's NOTHING I can say, no expert I can quote that will get her to stop the passive aggressive stuff - talking to the baby but aiming the message at me sort of thing. I'm spending the day with Mum tomorrow and am quietly dreading it! (Even though she'll probably help me with my housework and I am grateful for that!)

It's very difficult but try not to let it grate on you, from now on I'm going to take a deep breath and brush it off where I can, or just tell her straight up 'I get the feeling you're trying to imply I'm doing the wrong thing by DS, but I really feel comfortable with how we're going, so perhaps if you relax a bit you'll find being with us less stressful'.  Mum hates confrontation so this should get her back in her box a bit! Good luck!

#39 Velvetta

Posted 25 April 2012 - 12:54 PM

My littlest is 3 and a half years but  last time mum was over she thought he looked red in the cheeks and before I knew it, she had her fingers in his mouth feeling for new teeth!!

I pretty much gagged myself.

Have definitely been told about the wind/colic/gas thing for all 5 of mine from birth.

Mum's other thing is sun in their eyes. She has gone to great lengths and acrobatics in the car trying to shade them if the sun is on their face for 30 metres/ 10 seconds or more. We'll be driving along and suddenly she'll launch her self from the front seat over the back to try to hold up a newspaper or her cardie to shield them from the burning death rays .
Mum, they can close their eyes...

Better I suppose than one who doesn't care, or the type that say "Let 'em cry"

Edited by Dorothea, 25 April 2012 - 12:54 PM.


#40 Flutter Bug

Posted 25 April 2012 - 12:55 PM

Oh dear OP, my Mum is the same!

Except she does this irritating thing of  talking 'through' my child instead of talking to me.

For example, if DD is crying she'll say something to her like "oh, what did we feed Mummy tonight that's upset your tummy" (I'm BF too)! Ahh, drives me mental!

She insists that we (myself and 3 sisters) didn't ever cry so she doesn't know what to do with a crying baby! I find this hard to believe so maybe they just don't remember!  She finds it very difficult to listen to any amount of whingeing or crying whereas I can cope with it a bit better (if Mum's not around that is). The endess "what's wrong, what's wrong" drives me crazy.

But like you I am so grateful for the endless amount of help and support I get from her that I find it hard to complain. I haven't said anything to her but my anxiety levels do escalate if she is around when DD is unsettled or crying.  And I'm sure it makes DD worse, babies definitely pick up on the anxiety and tension.

Take deep breaths, someone taught me to 'breath in the calm and blow out the worry', it helps!!

I'm really of no help, just thought you'd like to know you're not alone!

#41 LifesGood

Posted 25 April 2012 - 01:07 PM

Normal, normal, normal.

Your baby sounds like they are behaving in a normal, new baby way.

Your mum and MIL sound like they are behaving in a normal grandparent way.

You sound like you are reacting in a normal mummy way.

I had the exact same situation with DD when she was a new bub. You just need to roll your eyes to yourself and try to ignore them.

#42 treefalls

Posted 25 April 2012 - 07:13 PM

QUOTE (Dorothea @ 25/04/2012, 12:54 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Mum's other thing is sun in their eyes. She has gone to great lengths and acrobatics in the car trying to shade them if the sun is on their face for 30 metres/ 10 seconds or more. We'll be driving along and suddenly she'll launch her self from the front seat over the back to try to hold up a newspaper or her cardie to shield them from the burning death rays .

roll2.gif Ahhh! I'd forgotten she does this one too!!!.... We won't talk about whether or not seat belts remained fastened, either  unsure.gif

I'm usually pretty good at remaining cool, but I guess that was one of those days where it WASN'T going to happen.
huge THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO SHARED - I feel SO much better!!! Really gotta love EB for this kind of support, there's nothing else like it biggrin.gif

#43 chicken_bits

Posted 25 April 2012 - 07:21 PM

YES!!! I thought it was just me! My mum was babysitting DD when she was 10 weeks and timed her screaming then felt the need to tell me how long it was. She's a gp and she basically forced me to go to the doctor and put her on reflux meds. We tried it for 3 days to appease her and of course it made no difference. Babies cry! Plus I think my mum stressing out makes DD cry more! I was so mad at myself for giving into her. Next time I'll trust my instincts.




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