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Possibility of a fourth child?
9 replies to this topic
Posted 21 April 2012 - 02:52 PM
I'm wondering if anyone out there would be able to give helpful advice? We have 3 kids and would like to have a 4th. Currently I'm a SAHM and DH works fulltime. We are both very keen on having another baby in the next 12-24 months but we have received a lot of negative opinions from family and friends. I'm not concerned with other people's thoughts on our life but it has made me think a lot harder about whether we are doing the right thing for our family. I made a list of benefits and disadvantages I was hoping to share.
Having a baby to love!Having 4 children and all the things that go with that like Christmases and birthdays etcAlready have a people moverHave a decent sized yard and a spare room as my 2 older kids want to share as it isFamily to help us close byKids go to public school so won't cost us a lot extra for educationOur youngest will be at kindy next year so I'll have more time for babyWe don't go on holidays or buy lots of clothes/toys and handmedowns are no issue for us
I'm currently studying at uni and would need to consider whether birth and newborn stage would impact on exams and study loadDH works awayI suffered depression after last child which I would be scared of happening againWe have a large mortgage due to getting into the market late which would mean even further careful budgetingPossibility of me re-entering the workforce later than originally anticipated
What do you think of this? Would be best to reconsider or is it worth a few more years of being out of the workforce and frugal spending to afford another child? If we left it a few more years we may miss the boat completely due to our ages (I'm 37 DH is 42).
Are we selfish, crazy or can it be done well?
Posted 21 April 2012 - 03:19 PM
My family circumstances are very simlilar to yours except I would be looking at number 5 lol.
I say if you want to do it then go for it! We love having 4.
My only advice would be to stop mentioning it to people IRL. In my experience people are only too willing to be negative in the context of just having a conversation whether you have actually asked for their advice or not!
Posted 21 April 2012 - 03:22 PM
I shouldn't really answer this as I've never wanted more than 3 I often think my friends who have more are crazy for doing so, then again so do they!
I come from a big family so I'm not anti big families, they're just not for me
However we had long discussions about having more than our 2, we always wanted 3 but then life (mortgage, travel, schooling, Uni, work etc.) got in the way & made it seem impossible
What decided me was that I was sure - maybe not now, maybe not until years from now - but I was sure that if I didn't have 3 (& was able to) that I'd regret it. It's no life living with the 'what if's'. Hence if you think this may be you, then have another!
Posted 21 April 2012 - 04:27 PM
I had a surprise #4 and in retrospect, probably wouldn't have done it because it is such a big jump, but the older she gets the easier it gets. I had a couple of years of real regret when she was first born, but now it's fine, mostly
Posted 21 April 2012 - 04:37 PM
As you can see from my sig I have four kids. The first three are all three years apart and then the baby is 4 years younger than no3 - we had a m/c in there are well.
Like I PP I would say think about the "what if's". I always wanted 4 and luckily DH agreed.
Just about everyone in the world knew we wanted 4 kids, except my mother and I copped a lot of negativity from her when we told them I was preg (even though she knew I'd not long had a m/c and was trying again....) however she is from a family of 5 kids and didn't like it (although gets on with all her siblings I suspect it's more about her issues with her mother)
I was 38 when DD3 was born (and on the flip side I still now get people asking me if I am going back for no 5 !!
DD3 is nearly 2 and some times I find it really hard. Usually the days when all 4 kids are being really needy, and I don't get a lot of support from DH or either his or my family. And we're struggling a bit this year money wise. BUT I wouldn't change it for the world. (now typing one handed as she is sitting on my lap demanding a story!!
Posted 21 April 2012 - 04:38 PM
If you want a baby you make it work, circumstances can change for the better or worse overnight and what you plan on now is likely not to be what you are actually working around by the time a baby comes into the picture. If it's not putting you into a massive black hole financially then there's always ways to change a budget, it depends on what your priorities and expectations are.
We wanted a #4 and had lots of support for that, but when we mentioned a #5 got a lot of negative feedback. I second the PP who said to just stop telling people about it and leave the answer as 'open and undecided' and decide what you feel is right for you. We started TTC #5 and didn't tell anyone, held off on announcing the pregnancy for a little while as well in case of negative reactions, but when we did announce it everyone was really excited and happy for us, so if we had of let their negative opinions sway us initially we never would have this little girl due in just 4 weeks!
Posted 21 April 2012 - 05:13 PM
If you are at the end of your rope emotionally financially or otherwise you shouldnt be having more kids...if you are prepared, feel you can accommodate another child into your life, yeah that makes sense..
I would stop asking those other peoples opinions. Its not like you rely on them to pay your mortgage and look after all your children.
Posted 21 April 2012 - 05:36 PM
Good luck. I am pregnant with my third and final baby. No way will I be having another.
Posted 21 April 2012 - 10:24 PM
Thank you for all the replies. I think I'll stop telling people because it does get to me when I hear rude responses.
I think I would absolutely regret not having another baby as would DH. Money is very tight but our kids don't go without. I think we would be able to manage financially especially with less daycare costs next year with my youngest going to school.
I guess my major concern is the transition between 3 to 4 kids. It took me a long time to get over depression and with DH working away I'd hate to fall back into that. Could anyone give me advice on how to manage or try prevent depression or how much harder it is having an extra child? I don't want to go into this without thinking of every angle.
Posted 21 April 2012 - 10:38 PM
Did your DH work away when you had the other kids? For me this would make a huge difference. If he was around before but I'll be away this time I'd have to really think that through as it would be a significant factor for me.
Other than that I'd say go for it
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