Jump to content

Dilemma re trying for number 2
Really need advice please


  • Please log in to reply
8 replies to this topic

#1 kayjayx1

Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:48 PM

Hi Ladies,

I’ve got a dilemma going on right now which I really need to resolve - I’m sure many of you have been in this situation before so am hoping that you will have some wise words to share with me.

(I’m thinking of posting this in a couple of different threads, so apologies if you are sick of seeing it pop up!)

I Apologise if this sounds long and rambly, I’ll try and keep it on track...

So, the big question is whether or not we are going to try for baby number 2, or make the decision to stay as a 1 child family.

Of course there are different pros and cons for every family, but the biggest things concerning me are these:

• Age – I am turning 38 this year, and DH is turning 46.  I’m not too concerned about my age, but am a bit about DH’s, and so is he.  I am ultra aware that it’s now or never.  I don’t want our child/children to have the oldest parents at the school gate.  DH had that with his mum (he is the youngest of 5), and admitted that he was so embarrassed about it. (For the record, I don’t think that either of us look our age).
• I like how it is at the moment! – DD is 4 and is awesome.  I absolutely love our world as it is, and don’t want it to change right now.  I love the time we get to spend with DD – especially as she is getting older, and able to do more things, and just generally more ‘portable’.
• I guess the biggest thing is that I can’t shake this feeling that if I don’t ‘try’, I will regret it in the future.  I realise that it might not work – we might not even end up with any embryos to transfer, and I think I’m ok with that because at least we will have tried.
• The IVF factor – DD was the result of many long hard IVF cycles.  Whilst we aren’t planning to do any more ‘full’ cycles, we will have to do frozen cycles for any pregnancy attempts we make.  The age factor is not the issue here are the eggs were collected a couple of years ago.  The procedure itself isn’t something that bothers me, I’ve done it so many times.  In fact, I’m not even sure why I’m mentioning it!
• I’m terrified of there being something wrong with the baby that would affect my daughters life.  But, we are planning to PGD or CGH on our frozen embryos which checks some or all chromosomes to rule out the possibility of using any of the abnormal ones in a cycle.  Never a 100% guarantee though.
• We are from the UK, and 99% of our family is still there.  DD was born in Australia.  I would be less concerned about her growing up as an only child if we were in the UK, but have no desire at all to bring her up there.  It’s kinda gross!  Similarly, when DH and I die, I worry about her being in this country without any family around for support.  I know she has always been here, and will be surrounded by friends, but will it be the same?
• Of course there are selfish reasons as well – going through the sleepless nights again, losing part of our social life for a while, not being able to go on the holidays we want because of having a baby with us etc.
• I really am worried that I might have regrets if we don’t try.  If it doesn’t work out, I’m ok with that.  Plenty of people have turned out ok from being an only child – I just can’t imagine how I could ever come to the decision that we aren’t going to try.  How do you do that?
• I feel guilty for thinking about trying for a number 2.  My daughter means everything to us, of course she does, and I don’t feel that anything is missing from our lives.  I completely accept that we are blessed to have had her, especially when we thought for so long that we might never have a child at all.  I’m so happy with what I have.  I think I’m just worried about making the wrong decision and regretting it in the future when it’s too late to change it.
• Saying that, a large part of my wanting to try for another is for DD’s sake rather than ours. – I love the idea of her having a little buddy who is always there for her (I know they might not actually get on, but YKWIM).  I have fabulous memories of family time with my brother from when I was a kid, and I don’t want her to miss out on that.
• When I entertain the idea of having an only child, I expect that we would make more of an effort to make sure she spends time with other children that we probably would do if she had a sibling – taking a friend on holidays with us etc.  
• I think that part of me would feel relieved about making the decision not to try for another – trivial things I guess come into it as well – I keep thinking about all the baby stuff we could clear out of the house!  And how we could get a puppy, and how I could perhaps end up training for the job that I’ve always wanted to do.  But you know what, all those things can wait.
• I had an appointment with my FS this morning and I have started on a frozen cycle.  Of course I can cancel the cycle at any time, but I think that if I do cancel, that will be the decision made, I won’t go back again.  – On a side note, my DD drew me a picture when I was at my FS appt (she had absolutely no idea where I was, or what for, we have never spoken about it when she could hear), and for the first time ever, she drew a baby on our family picture and said it was our baby!  Spooky spoons.

I know that ultimately the decision is ours, and I’m not asking for the ‘answer’ – just really keen to hear some opinions from people who have been there and made their decision either way..
I just can’t work out what to do – my decision changes, literally, minute to minute.  Driving into town today I convinced myself that the best thing to do was to leave things as they are.  By the time I was on the way home I had done a complete turn around and was certain that we should give it a go! Driving me crazy a bit.

I know I have kind of worded the above as if it’s all my opinions, but DH and I have of course talked about it, it’s not just my thinking!  Ultimately, if he had to give a yes or no, he would say no.

Thanks for sticking with me 
Kay.

#2 tweetypie007

Posted 20 April 2012 - 09:18 PM

Hi Kayjayx1

We waited for a while before we had number 1. DS has just turned 1 and like you things are slowly getting back to 'norm'. Because of our age I am consciously aware that the 'clock' is ticking. All the things you wrote did cross my mind but we have decided to start trying in a few months because we feel that it is the best decision for DS. We might not be blessed with a number 2 but at least we tried. I think it would not be the same setting up playdates etc. Don't want DS to be alone when we are no longer here. Plus if you have enjoyed having DD think about the joys number 2 could bring.

Thought I'll write so that you are aware you are not alone with those thoughts. Good luck with your decision.



#3 ladybird1

Posted 20 April 2012 - 09:37 PM

Not quite your situation, but my kids have no grandparents (both sets of grandparents passed away) and no aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, in the city where we live.   This influenced my decision to have 3 rather than 1 or 2, so that they would have some family members in years to come.

With your first child you think you could never love another one the same way, but then the next one comes along and you discover that you can! original.gif

The age thing I understand - my parents were older, and in fact my husband was over 50 when my 3rd was born. But kids are always going to go through some stage where they are embarrassed by their parents.  If it's not about age it will just be about something else.  And mid-40s is quite a common age for new fathers these days (at least where I live).  So I wouldn't worry about age.

Sleepless nights.....it only lasts a couple years....

But ultimately, you can't make a decision like this by adding up pros and cons....you will know in your heart what the right decision is for your family

#4 marnie27

Posted 20 April 2012 - 10:07 PM

I can relate. It took us years of fertility treatment and multiple early miscarriages to have our DS. Before we had him I really only wanted one but we loved being parents so much we would've had a dozen if it was easier for us.

We knew if we wanted another we'd have to start again quickly. We started just after DS's 1st birthday and truthfully I didn't feel ready - I wanted my boy to stay my baby for longer and just enjoy him by himself. When the first two cycles didn't work I realised that if number 2 didn't happen DS was enough - it took the pressure off. I didnt want to waste any more time and money on ivf. DP and I agreed we'd transfer our remaining embryos and that was it. I didn't want to wallow in what might have been when I had this wonderful little boy. DD was conceived the third cycle.

Dont get me wrong, we've had some rough patches - DD had severe silent reflux and literally screamed for 16 hours a day for the first 3 months. Juggling the needs of two children, a partner, full time work, uni, family and friends can be exhausting and some days I fondly remember how simpler life was with one - but they are both such blessings. Some days I can hardly believe my luck.

One of the biggest surprises to me is to watch their relationship develop. I hadn't really considered what having another child would mean for DS - it was more about DP's and my desire for another baby. But they just light up around each other - it's magic!

DP and I discussed a third as we still have embryos but after a recent health scare we are stopping at two. Health wise, age wise and financially this is the right decision for us - doesn't stop me wondering what if though!

Maybe just see what comes and you will know what to do next. All the best.




#5 Morti

Posted 25 April 2012 - 06:24 AM

QUOTE (ladybird1 @ 20/04/2012, 08:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
But kids are always going to go through some stage where they are embarrassed by their parents.  If it's not about age it will just be about something else.


yyes.gif

My son asked me not to get out of the car when I picked him and his sisters up from school today because I've recently dyed my hair a reddish colour and he doesn't want his friends to see it... he thinks it is embarrassing! shrug.gif  laughing2.gif

#6 kayjayx1

Posted 01 May 2012 - 10:29 PM

Hi Ladies,

Thanks so much for your replies - I really appreciate you taking the time to read my long and rambly OP!!

There are some great points here for me to think about - this one especially resonated with me:

QUOTE
I didn't want to wallow in what might have been when I had this wonderful little boy.


I really get that - I feel almost as though I would be pushing my luck to try again because DD is here, and perfect.

Hmm, lots to think about!

Thanks again - you ladies are fab original.gif

Kay.x.

#7 April girl

Posted 01 May 2012 - 11:00 PM

Hi Kay so many of the feelings you describe I shared when considering number two. My dd and I are so close I was really worried about upsetting the status quo. Anyway we welcomed ds 3 1/2 years after his sister was born. I was 35 and my husband 45. never been happier!You need to come to your own decision - good luck  original.gif

#8 ms flib

Posted 01 May 2012 - 11:04 PM

I hate being an only child....still.

#9 roses99

Posted 01 May 2012 - 11:08 PM

QUOTE (marnie27 @ 20/04/2012, 10:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
DP and I agreed we'd transfer our remaining embryos and that was it. I didn't want to wallow in what might have been when I had this wonderful little boy. DD was conceived the third cycle.

This.

If I were in your position, I'd just make the decision to use the remaining embryos and see what happens. If you fall pregnant, then great. If not, then you can continue to enjoy the wonderful family you have now.

Just wanted to add, that I really don't think there's ever the perfect time to have another baby. Sure, there can be compelling reasons not to. But there'll always be pros and cons. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith  original.gif





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Exclusive Black Friday Sale!

Get over 40% off selected products, including prams, baby carriers, cloth nappies, sleeping bags and much more! 24 hours only, on May 6 - register now for your special code.

Kelly Clarkson shares first photos of son

Kelly Clarkson has shown off the first photos of her son, Remington Alexander Blackstock.

5 childbirth myths that need to be busted

Birth is an unpredictable, mysterious process that intrigues us all, and there is a lot of misinformation out there.

Mum of three fatally shot by toddler while driving

A US mother has been shot by her toddler while driving on a highway in Wisconsin.

All you need is one minute to work out

The seven-minute-work out is old news. Research shows the effectiveness of going hell-for-leather for just one minute.

Pregnant women needed to join diabetes study

Pregnant woman in country Australia will help Adelaide researchers figure out why cases of type 1 diabetes have doubled over the past two decades.

Just announced: the Mountain Buggy Unirider

It's the perfect solution to combat those toddler meltdowns when they no longer want to be in a pram but can't walk long distances.

Authorities euthanise dog that fatally bit a newborn baby

A pit bull mix that fatally bit a 3-day-old infant last week has been euthanised, authorities said.

The push for Medicare to fund lactation consultants

While meeting with a lactation consultant can make an enormous difference to a new mother, it's not a service that is available through the public health system.

Why it's perfectly natural to dislike other people's children

Members of a popular forum are fiercely debating whether it is acceptable to dislike a friend's child.

Woman gives birth on plane, names baby after airline

A pregnant woman who unexpectedly gave birth on a flight has named her new baby after the airline, Jetstar.

Heartwarming photos show the joy of adoption after foster care

Children living in foster care can feel like their future is less than clear. But that uncertainty disappears the day they are adopted by their "forever family" 

'Oh my god, it's a baby!' Mum shocked to give birth

When the cramps started to kick in, Klara Dollan just assumed a painful period was starting.

Mum's Facebook plea: 'Help me find my daughter's father'

Kerryn has a unusual present planned for daughter Imi's 13th birthday celebrations - she hopes to be able to be able to give the soon-to-be the teenager her first ever photo of her dad.

Is it possible for your house to be too clean?

Our houses are cleaner than ever before. But how clean is too clean? Could a sterile home be putting your family's health at risk?

Millions of Monkeys: puzzles that grow with your toddler

Here's a puzzle that grows with them; the Puzzle Grow Pack by Millions of Monkeys.

Baby names from Britpop

If you grew up in the 90s you might want to look to the genre of Britpop music for baby name inspiration.

What to eat and drink when you have gastro

When you catch a bug that causes acute infectious gastroenteritis (gastro), your stomach and intestinal tract become inflamed, causing diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramping and pain. The last thing you probably feel like doing is eating.

'To this day, I owe her my life'

Would I have survived if I hadn't crossed that street?

Why baby Sonny needs you to vaccinate your children

Caitlin is a firm believer in the importance of immunisation to protect children from harmful and deadly diseases.

Five-year-old's photo captures beauty of motherhood

There is no make-up or special outfits and hairdos, but the five-year-old boy who took this picture captured the essence of motherhood as well as any professional photographer.

Babies know whether you are naughty or nice

Studies have shown that infants in the first months of life try to avoid dealing with social wrongdoers - for example, sharing less with them and helping them less - and they expect others to, too.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

The babies who are one in 70 million

Bethani Webb was excited to find out she was pregnant, but the first time mum did not realise she was carrying four babies not one.

Exclusive Black Friday Sale!

Get over 40% off selected products, including prams, baby carriers, cloth nappies, sleeping bags and much more! 24 hours only, on May 6 - register now for your special code.

Cafe offers breastfeeding mums a free cup of tea

A Sydney cafe is offering breastfeeding mums free cups of tea in a bid to show support for the right of women to nurse their babies wherever they choose.

To snip or not to snip? When the decision is not clear cut

Jamie Oliver, who considered a vasectomy, is to be a father again. A fellow dad reflects on his own decision 11 years ago

Doctors stunned by rare twins born almost six weeks apart

To everyone's surprise, Kristen Miller "kept doing better each day", keeping her second baby safe.

Baby book ideas for modern parents

Before my son was born I was given a lovely baby book full of blank pages waiting to be filled with weights and heights and first words.

The adorable smile of a baby seeing his mum clearly for the first time

There is no doubt seeing their child smile for the first time is an unforgettable moment for parents everywhere.

Mum tells how toddler 'nearly hung himself' in cot mishap

When Alison Johnson put her 18-month-old Caleb down for a nap, she had no reason to believe her son was in any danger.

Babies are still switched at birth? Yes, it can happen

All my panic and tears aside, my biggest question looking back is about the kind of security measures used in the maternity ward.

Doctors slammed for taking selfie with newborn

Everyone who visits a mum in hospital in the days following childbirth wants to get a photo with the new baby.

ergoPouch Twosie Sleepsuit for winter breastfeeding

Finally, there's a way to keep warm while breastfeeding through winter.

Health check: How long does sex 'normally' last?

What to do with this information? My advice would be to try not to think about it during the throes of passion.

When breastfeeding sucks: fixing common problems

From niplash to tight boobs, biting to milk supply issues, Pinky McKay looks at common breastfeeding issues and how to solve them.

10 things I've learnt in my first six months with twins

Six months on we're all still alive, and the more we get to know each other the easier the days become.

Mum's loving kiss leaves baby fighting for life

Kirsty Carrington thought nothing of giving her newborn son a kiss, little did she know it would leave the baby fighting for life.

When doing chores is your new 'me time'

After children, 'me time' looks a little different.

Get going: 14 travel strollers for families on the move

A stroller can make or break travelling with a baby or toddler. Here are 15 great single travel stroller options.

10 ways toddlers are terrific

It always pays to remind yourself of how terrific toddlers can be - they're little like this for such a short time

 

ENTER NOW

Do your kids love bananas?

This is the comp for you! We have $800 worth of Myer gift cards and boxes of Australian Bananas to be won. Entry is simple: just post a pic of your little one enjoying a banana in the comments of the FB post to enter.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.