Dilemma re trying for number 2
Really need advice please
, Apr 20 2012 08:48 PM
8 replies to this topic
Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:48 PM
I’ve got a dilemma going on right now which I really need to resolve - I’m sure many of you have been in this situation before so am hoping that you will have some wise words to share with me.
(I’m thinking of posting this in a couple of different threads, so apologies if you are sick of seeing it pop up!)
I Apologise if this sounds long and rambly, I’ll try and keep it on track...
So, the big question is whether or not we are going to try for baby number 2, or make the decision to stay as a 1 child family.
Of course there are different pros and cons for every family, but the biggest things concerning me are these:
• Age – I am turning 38 this year, and DH is turning 46. I’m not too concerned about my age, but am a bit about DH’s, and so is he. I am ultra aware that it’s now or never. I don’t want our child/children to have the oldest parents at the school gate. DH had that with his mum (he is the youngest of 5), and admitted that he was so embarrassed about it. (For the record, I don’t think that either of us look our age).
• I like how it is at the moment! – DD is 4 and is awesome. I absolutely love our world as it is, and don’t want it to change right now. I love the time we get to spend with DD – especially as she is getting older, and able to do more things, and just generally more ‘portable’.
• I guess the biggest thing is that I can’t shake this feeling that if I don’t ‘try’, I will regret it in the future. I realise that it might not work – we might not even end up with any embryos to transfer, and I think I’m ok with that because at least we will have tried.
• The IVF factor – DD was the result of many long hard IVF cycles. Whilst we aren’t planning to do any more ‘full’ cycles, we will have to do frozen cycles for any pregnancy attempts we make. The age factor is not the issue here are the eggs were collected a couple of years ago. The procedure itself isn’t something that bothers me, I’ve done it so many times. In fact, I’m not even sure why I’m mentioning it!
• I’m terrified of there being something wrong with the baby that would affect my daughters life. But, we are planning to PGD or CGH on our frozen embryos which checks some or all chromosomes to rule out the possibility of using any of the abnormal ones in a cycle. Never a 100% guarantee though.
• We are from the UK, and 99% of our family is still there. DD was born in Australia. I would be less concerned about her growing up as an only child if we were in the UK, but have no desire at all to bring her up there. It’s kinda gross! Similarly, when DH and I die, I worry about her being in this country without any family around for support. I know she has always been here, and will be surrounded by friends, but will it be the same?
• Of course there are selfish reasons as well – going through the sleepless nights again, losing part of our social life for a while, not being able to go on the holidays we want because of having a baby with us etc.
• I really am worried that I might have regrets if we don’t try. If it doesn’t work out, I’m ok with that. Plenty of people have turned out ok from being an only child – I just can’t imagine how I could ever come to the decision that we aren’t going to try. How do you do that?
• I feel guilty for thinking about trying for a number 2. My daughter means everything to us, of course she does, and I don’t feel that anything is missing from our lives. I completely accept that we are blessed to have had her, especially when we thought for so long that we might never have a child at all. I’m so happy with what I have. I think I’m just worried about making the wrong decision and regretting it in the future when it’s too late to change it.
• Saying that, a large part of my wanting to try for another is for DD’s sake rather than ours. – I love the idea of her having a little buddy who is always there for her (I know they might not actually get on, but YKWIM). I have fabulous memories of family time with my brother from when I was a kid, and I don’t want her to miss out on that.
• When I entertain the idea of having an only child, I expect that we would make more of an effort to make sure she spends time with other children that we probably would do if she had a sibling – taking a friend on holidays with us etc.
• I think that part of me would feel relieved about making the decision not to try for another – trivial things I guess come into it as well – I keep thinking about all the baby stuff we could clear out of the house! And how we could get a puppy, and how I could perhaps end up training for the job that I’ve always wanted to do. But you know what, all those things can wait.
• I had an appointment with my FS this morning and I have started on a frozen cycle. Of course I can cancel the cycle at any time, but I think that if I do cancel, that will be the decision made, I won’t go back again. – On a side note, my DD drew me a picture when I was at my FS appt (she had absolutely no idea where I was, or what for, we have never spoken about it when she could hear), and for the first time ever, she drew a baby on our family picture and said it was our baby! Spooky spoons.
I know that ultimately the decision is ours, and I’m not asking for the ‘answer’ – just really keen to hear some opinions from people who have been there and made their decision either way..
I just can’t work out what to do – my decision changes, literally, minute to minute. Driving into town today I convinced myself that the best thing to do was to leave things as they are. By the time I was on the way home I had done a complete turn around and was certain that we should give it a go! Driving me crazy a bit.
I know I have kind of worded the above as if it’s all my opinions, but DH and I have of course talked about it, it’s not just my thinking! Ultimately, if he had to give a yes or no, he would say no.
Thanks for sticking with me
Posted 20 April 2012 - 09:18 PM
We waited for a while before we had number 1. DS has just turned 1 and like you things are slowly getting back to 'norm'. Because of our age I am consciously aware that the 'clock' is ticking. All the things you wrote did cross my mind but we have decided to start trying in a few months because we feel that it is the best decision for DS. We might not be blessed with a number 2 but at least we tried. I think it would not be the same setting up playdates etc. Don't want DS to be alone when we are no longer here. Plus if you have enjoyed having DD think about the joys number 2 could bring.
Thought I'll write so that you are aware you are not alone with those thoughts. Good luck with your decision.
Posted 20 April 2012 - 09:37 PM
Not quite your situation, but my kids have no grandparents (both sets of grandparents passed away) and no aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, in the city where we live. This influenced my decision to have 3 rather than 1 or 2, so that they would have some family members in years to come.
With your first child you think you could never love another one the same way, but then the next one comes along and you discover that you can!
The age thing I understand - my parents were older, and in fact my husband was over 50 when my 3rd was born. But kids are always going to go through some stage where they are embarrassed by their parents. If it's not about age it will just be about something else. And mid-40s is quite a common age for new fathers these days (at least where I live). So I wouldn't worry about age.
Sleepless nights.....it only lasts a couple years....
But ultimately, you can't make a decision like this by adding up pros and cons....you will know in your heart what the right decision is for your family
Posted 20 April 2012 - 10:07 PM
I can relate. It took us years of fertility treatment and multiple early miscarriages to have our DS. Before we had him I really only wanted one but we loved being parents so much we would've had a dozen if it was easier for us.
We knew if we wanted another we'd have to start again quickly. We started just after DS's 1st birthday and truthfully I didn't feel ready - I wanted my boy to stay my baby for longer and just enjoy him by himself. When the first two cycles didn't work I realised that if number 2 didn't happen DS was enough - it took the pressure off. I didnt want to waste any more time and money on ivf. DP and I agreed we'd transfer our remaining embryos and that was it. I didn't want to wallow in what might have been when I had this wonderful little boy. DD was conceived the third cycle.
Dont get me wrong, we've had some rough patches - DD had severe silent reflux and literally screamed for 16 hours a day for the first 3 months. Juggling the needs of two children, a partner, full time work, uni, family and friends can be exhausting and some days I fondly remember how simpler life was with one - but they are both such blessings. Some days I can hardly believe my luck.
One of the biggest surprises to me is to watch their relationship develop. I hadn't really considered what having another child would mean for DS - it was more about DP's and my desire for another baby. But they just light up around each other - it's magic!
DP and I discussed a third as we still have embryos but after a recent health scare we are stopping at two. Health wise, age wise and financially this is the right decision for us - doesn't stop me wondering what if though!
Maybe just see what comes and you will know what to do next. All the best.
Posted 25 April 2012 - 06:24 AM
But kids are always going to go through some stage where they are embarrassed by their parents. If it's not about age it will just be about something else.
My son asked me not to get out of the car when I picked him and his sisters up from school today because I've recently dyed my hair a reddish colour and he doesn't want his friends to see it... he thinks it is embarrassing!
Posted 01 May 2012 - 10:29 PM
Thanks so much for your replies - I really appreciate you taking the time to read my long and rambly OP!!
There are some great points here for me to think about - this one especially resonated with me:
I didn't want to wallow in what might have been when I had this wonderful little boy.
I really get that - I feel almost as though I would be pushing my luck to try again because DD is here, and perfect.
Hmm, lots to think about!
Thanks again - you ladies are fab
Posted 01 May 2012 - 11:00 PM
Hi Kay so many of the feelings you describe I shared when considering number two. My dd and I are so close I was really worried about upsetting the status quo. Anyway we welcomed ds 3 1/2 years after his sister was born. I was 35 and my husband 45. never been happier!You need to come to your own decision - good luck
Posted 01 May 2012 - 11:04 PM
I hate being an only child....still.
Posted 01 May 2012 - 11:08 PM
DP and I agreed we'd transfer our remaining embryos and that was it. I didn't want to wallow in what might have been when I had this wonderful little boy. DD was conceived the third cycle.
If I were in your position, I'd just make the decision to use the remaining embryos and see what happens. If you fall pregnant, then great. If not, then you can continue to enjoy the wonderful family you have now.
Just wanted to add, that I really don't think there's ever the perfect time to have another baby. Sure, there can be compelling reasons not to. But there'll always be pros and cons. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith
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