Jump to content

Dilemma about trying for number 2
Really need advice please


  • Please log in to reply
8 replies to this topic

#1 kayjayx1

Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:47 PM

Hi Ladies,

I’ve got a dilemma going on right now which I really need to resolve - I’m sure many of you have been in this situation before so am hoping that you will have some wise words to share with me.

(I’m thinking of posting this in a couple of different threads, so apologies if you are sick of seeing it pop up!)

I Apologise if this sounds long and rambly, I’ll try and keep it on track...

So, the big question is whether or not we are going to try for baby number 2, or make the decision to stay as a 1 child family.

Of course there are different pros and cons for every family, but the biggest things concerning me are these:

• Age – I am turning 38 this year, and DH is turning 46.  I’m not too concerned about my age, but am a bit about DH’s, and so is he.  I am ultra aware that it’s now or never.  I don’t want our child/children to have the oldest parents at the school gate.  DH had that with his mum (he is the youngest of 5), and admitted that he was so embarrassed about it. (For the record, I don’t think that either of us look our age).
• I like how it is at the moment! – DD is 4 and is awesome.  I absolutely love our world as it is, and don’t want it to change right now.  I love the time we get to spend with DD – especially as she is getting older, and able to do more things, and just generally more ‘portable’.
• I guess the biggest thing is that I can’t shake this feeling that if I don’t ‘try’, I will regret it in the future.  I realise that it might not work – we might not even end up with any embryos to transfer, and I think I’m ok with that because at least we will have tried.
• The IVF factor – DD was the result of many long hard IVF cycles.  Whilst we aren’t planning to do any more ‘full’ cycles, we will have to do frozen cycles for any pregnancy attempts we make.  The age factor is not the issue here are the eggs were collected a couple of years ago.  The procedure itself isn’t something that bothers me, I’ve done it so many times.  In fact, I’m not even sure why I’m mentioning it!
• I’m terrified of there being something wrong with the baby that would affect my daughters life.  But, we are planning to PGD or CGH on our frozen embryos which checks some or all chromosomes to rule out the possibility of using any of the abnormal ones in a cycle.  Never a 100% guarantee though.
• We are from the UK, and 99% of our family is still there.  DD was born in Australia.  I would be less concerned about her growing up as an only child if we were in the UK, but have no desire at all to bring her up there.  It’s kinda gross!  Similarly, when DH and I die, I worry about her being in this country without any family around for support.  I know she has always been here, and will be surrounded by friends, but will it be the same?
• Of course there are selfish reasons as well – going through the sleepless nights again, losing part of our social life for a while, not being able to go on the holidays we want because of having a baby with us etc.
• I really am worried that I might have regrets if we don’t try.  If it doesn’t work out, I’m ok with that.  Plenty of people have turned out ok from being an only child – I just can’t imagine how I could ever come to the decision that we aren’t going to try.  How do you do that?
• I feel guilty for thinking about trying for a number 2.  My daughter means everything to us, of course she does, and I don’t feel that anything is missing from our lives.  I completely accept that we are blessed to have had her, especially when we thought for so long that we might never have a child at all.  I’m so happy with what I have.  I think I’m just worried about making the wrong decision and regretting it in the future when it’s too late to change it.
• Saying that, a large part of my wanting to try for another is for DD’s sake rather than ours. – I love the idea of her having a little buddy who is always there for her (I know they might not actually get on, but YKWIM).  I have fabulous memories of family time with my brother from when I was a kid, and I don’t want her to miss out on that.
• When I entertain the idea of having an only child, I expect that we would make more of an effort to make sure she spends time with other children that we probably would do if she had a sibling – taking a friend on holidays with us etc.  
• I think that part of me would feel relieved about making the decision not to try for another – trivial things I guess come into it as well – I keep thinking about all the baby stuff we could clear out of the house!  And how we could get a puppy, and how I could perhaps end up training for the job that I’ve always wanted to do.  But you know what, all those things can wait.
• I had an appointment with my FS this morning and I have started on a frozen cycle.  Of course I can cancel the cycle at any time, but I think that if I do cancel, that will be the decision made, I won’t go back again.  – On a side note, my DD drew me a picture when I was at my FS appt (she had absolutely no idea where I was, or what for, we have never spoken about it when she could hear), and for the first time ever, she drew a baby on our family picture and said it was our baby!  Spooky spoons.

I know that ultimately the decision is ours, and I’m not asking for the ‘answer’ – just really keen to hear some opinions from people who have been there and made their decision either way..
I just can’t work out what to do – my decision changes, literally, minute to minute.  Driving into town today I convinced myself that the best thing to do was to leave things as they are.  By the time I was on the way home I had done a complete turn around and was certain that we should give it a go! Driving me crazy a bit.

I know I have kind of worded the above as if it’s all my opinions, but DH and I have of course talked about it, it’s not just my thinking!  Ultimately, if he had to give a yes or no, he would say no.

Thanks for sticking with me 
Kay.

#2 Bloomer

Posted 21 April 2012 - 07:03 AM

Long story short same boat 6+ years ago. Now I am always the oldest mum at the gate, though there are some grandmas.  But dh never the oldest dad, p*sses me off..he is 4 years older.  When I had Dd1 at 42 a GF who is an only child of virtually only children told me to try for a second.  Our girls have 19 cousins all either in the Netherlands or 1000s of Klms away. My two girls are great friends and love and hate each other. Our lives would be so much easier if we had stopped at one, but they have tipped the balance. I had dd2 at 45 and dh 49, of course it would be better to not be this age.

I am biased and have made my choice it is now your turn.  Amazing the number of mums at school who think they are older than me ... They are not far behind. No one cares.  We did not need to do IVF just had difficulties getting a vasectomy reversed.  I was only prepared to try natural.

Ÿou have even less reason to worry about anything being wrong with the baby, I opted for a cvs both times as yes we would not be around long enough.  Good luck.  About to drive 3 days to get home from a visit to their cousins. Luckily I and Dh are the oldest and the cousins are older but not heaps and there is even 2 younger. Our girls will have no barriers to the great Aussie European vacation, I'll miss them.


#3 PurpleNess

Posted 21 April 2012 - 01:50 PM

Hi OP ,
I'm in a similar boat minus the IVF ( although who knows)
My DS is on 4.5 months old & already we are having the chats about No2 or not. I'm 41 & DH is 32 so he's got time, I don't!

Both of us have siblings & now we realise how great it would be for our son to have that. Im worried about the physical aspect of it - not pregnancy & labour, that was fantastic but chasing a toddler & having to settle a new baby, I just don't know if I can do it.
Plus if we decide yes we need to start trying almost now, took us 8 months the first time so who knows if/when this time around.

I'm really torn as my sister & are are very close as is DH with his brother......but my fears are the same as yours - time to dedicate to DS, illness (id have a CVS again), coping with no sleep & 2 kids etc etc etc

Best of luck sorry I can't help! Other than to say you are 38 so you do have time to process things.

#4 nomissjane

Posted 21 April 2012 - 02:12 PM

Happily we are now pregnant with our second IVF bub.
I'll be 40 when this bub is born and hubby will be 51...having said that though he is the 'groovy' dad (even saying that shows my age, hehe). He's the guy with the cool music and endless patience to share with our two year old.
I've only briefly worried about our ages. I remember back to my primary school days and plenty of the 'daggy' parents were really quite young at the time, but 'old' in the head if that makes sense.
I firmly believe that 40 is the new 30 etc.

Part of the decision to have a second is the fact that my hubby is an only child who came out from the uk when he was 5. He hated not having cousins or siblings and we agreed that if we had one child that we would definitely try for a second.

I'm sure there are loads of people who grew up in happy families as only children who don't miss what they didn't ever have a bit.

Good luck with your decision.

#5 Sophie11

Posted 25 April 2012 - 07:41 PM

Hi
I had DD at 37 and my DH was not happy about a 2nd one due to our ages and just due to being happy...all I wanted was a little girl and I had it.  But he went along with it and we had DS when I was 40 my DH was 45...this has truely turned out to the best decision ever... my two just adore each other and its like they are in a world of their own...its like they are married...very strange but kinda cute...totally love each others games and jokes...and my DS is a handful but I always ask my DD is shes glad we had him and she says definetly...she says her life would be so empty and boring.  I know she would be fine on her own but he has made our lives complete...but boys are hard work at times...endless energy and craziness...hope that helps you....

#6 kayjayx1

Posted 01 May 2012 - 10:35 PM

Hi Ladies,

Thanks so much for your replies - I really appreciate you taking the time to read my long and rambly OP!!

There are some great points here for me to think about ...

QUOTE
I'm sure there are loads of people who grew up in happy families as only children who don't miss what they didn't ever have a bit.


I was actually 'relieved' to read this bit - it was almost like I had been wanting someone else to say that it's 'okay' to not want another - IYKWIM!

QUOTE
I firmly believe that 40 is the new 30
- Me too!


Hmm, lots to think about!

Thanks again - you ladies are fab original.gif

Kay.x.

#7 #LG

Posted 08 May 2012 - 08:18 PM

Hi OP, I just wanted to pop in and say you are me four years ago! So strange all the similarities in our thinking and decision paths.

Long story short, we tried IVF for #2 and were spectacularly unsuccessful, gave it up as a lost cause and moved on with our lives, very happily I might add. Then I turned 40, we prepared to move OS for a couple of years and to our complete shock fell pg naturally!

I can only speak for us, and DS has been an extraordinarily easy baby, but it is the best thing that could have happened to our family in so many ways. Best of all is watching DD and DS together, they love each other so much, it melts my heart wub.gif

Good luck with whatever you decide original.gif

#8 Edna24

Posted 10 May 2012 - 11:19 AM

Hi hopefully I can be helpful too.
I'm a child of 'older' parents. My Mum was 35 when she had me (and 30 years ago this was ANCIENT) and dad was 47.
I was the second, my sister is very close in age to myself.
I was aware of mum and dad being older but it wasn't a huge deal. You can be an old 26 or and young 45. Dad was cool, very progressive in his approach to life and very social. He did die when I was in my 20s which was very sad, but it was not from an age related issue.
I was so grateful to have my sister with me, it would have been so hard to manage through that time and beyond without her. She's been my best friend throughout my life.
I hope that helps........


#9 Kitty-cat

Posted 28 August 2012 - 09:14 PM

My Mum was 41 when she had me almost 40 years ago and was the oldest Mum most of the time, but I look back now and it didn't really matter.

I'm now planning my 40th birthday party and also pregnant.

I really don't care if I'm older than most of the other mothers, however it's not at all unusual nowadays.  I'm pretty lucky in that most people think I look 8 to 10 years younger than I actually am.  Not sure if that will be the case when I've got a demanding new born ;-)

Good luck with your choice.  I personally would go for it as if you feel like you will regret it if you don't try, then you probably will.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Heartwarming prank gives single mum the house she was hired to clean

Cara Simmons arrived at work to clean a large and beautiful house in time for a party planned for that evening. It was soon hers.

Why we should stop telling new parents to 'enjoy every moment'

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine had their first baby. As the proud dad texted me a picture I had to fight the natural instinct to say “Enjoy every moment!”

Transgender dad breastfeeds his babies

A transgender man who breastfed his first baby - despite having his breasts removed as part of his transformation from female to male - has now had a second child.

Couple face $1 million medical bill and bankruptcy after babymoon birth

A Canadian couple were slammed with a million dollar medical bill after their daughter was prematurely during their babymoon.

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Cigarettes, junk food dominate supermarket sales growth

One in every five dollars spent at supermarkets goes on cigarettes or junk food, according to industry data.

Teacher under fire for breastfeeding in class

There is no doubt mums have a right to continue breastfeeding after they have returned to work, but one teacher in the US has taken it to the extreme.

Video: Baby sniffs beardless dad to make sure it's him

She looks him up and down and then touches his chin, but baby Lindsey still isn't sure this clean-shaven man is her dad.

The tragedy of losing a favourite teddy bear

We were green and uninitiated, perhaps a little naïve when it came to the favourite toy responsibility.

It's possible to workout while pregnant

Medical experts say intense fitness routines can be done safely during pregnancy - if the mums-to-be follow some guidelines.

Baby for Asher Keddie and Vincent Fantauzzo

Fans followed every step of her on-screen pregnancy in Offspring, now Asher Keddie is going to be a mum in real life too.

What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong': the fight for Kaden's diagnosis

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reaction to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Empowering bikini photo of 46-year-old mum goes viral

When a group of teenagers made rude remarks about her body as she walked past them in a bikini at the local beach, Julie Cross refused to cover up.

Devastated widow discovers she's pregnant the day before husband's funeral

They had been trying to conceive a baby for seven years. Tragically Kristy Kirchner found out she was pregnant the day before her husband Royce's funeral.

Win a family pass to Disney Live!

We have 4 family passes to give away to see Disney Live! presents Three Classic Fairy Tales, touring Australia this December/January.

Gabriella Goat sues Peppa Pig

Every toddler's favourite television pig is being sued by an Italian woman who shares a name with a Peppa Pig character.

Meet the Mpregs, the male pregnancy enthusiasts

"Men can't have babies - that's something only women can do! But our community is full of like-minded people who wish otherwise."

Your new motherhood survival kit

Forget about the bright, pretty baby things - while you're in survival mode, all you'll need are the essentials.

More than 100,000 cars recalled globally after death of pregnant woman

The announcement of a mass recall comes as Malaysian police investigate the death of pregnant woman in July.

I had a 'good baby' but still suffered from postnatal depression

I had a much wanted precious baby girl, a 'good baby' who slept well, self settled and was mostly content. It just seemed implausible to think I could succumb to depression.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Join PADDINGTON on the red carpet!

To celebrate the release of PADDINGTON, we are giving five lucky winners the chance to win a family pass to the exclusive Australian Premiere in Sydney on December 7!

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

'It's not you, it's me': Boston bombing survivor mum to have leg amputated

Rebekah DiMartino is going through a break-up. She even wrote a farewell love letter. But it's not to her husband.

What it's like to go through early menopause

In a cruel twist, Carla had been breastfeeding and perimenopausal at the same time. But she's far from the only one to go through menopause early.

Restaurant served alcohol to two-year-old

Busy restaurants can be forgiven for getting food and drink orders mixed up from time to time, but not when the confusion leads to a two-year-old being served an alcoholic cocktail instead of the child-friendly beverage they ordered.

Julia Morris tells of miscarriage on a flight

Julia Morris has spoken about the devastation of suffering a miscarriage while on an international flight.

Woman's survival after birth 'a story of two miracles'

A US mother is home and tending to her new baby less than a month after surviving without a pulse for 45 minutes.

Eating ice may give mental boost to the iron deficient: study

A new study proposes that, like a strong cup of coffee, ice may give those with insufficient iron a much-needed mental boost.

Tiny lives in caring hands: Thank U NICU Day

Each year in Australia, over 40,000 newborns need the help of a special care nursery or neonatal intensive care unit. One day a year, the staff are honoured by the parents they help through those dark days.

I paid $50,000 to have a girl

This time my husband and I hadn't taken any chances. We had paid $50,000 and travelled 13,000 kilometres to make sure the baby growing inside me was female.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Dear firstborn, I'm sorry

Being a first-time mum is tough for so many reasons – particularly because you really have no idea what you're doing.

A trace of sesame could kill my son

Helen Richardson son's had two anaphylactic reactions in a month. It's traumatic for everyone.

When you know before the test says yes

It wasn't a pregnancy test or missed period that told me I was pregnant with my second baby; it was too early for those things. A doner kebab told me I was going to be a mum again.

What not to do when your partner is in labour

Robbie Williams stole the show during his wife Ayda's labour, pretty much demonstrating everything on the "what not to do when your partner is in labour" list.

Best maternity swimwear and beach cover-ups

Thinking about a tropical babymoon but have nothing to wear? Here are some great swimwear and beach cover-up options for mums-to-be.

'Chopstick Baby' born at 23 weeks

Given the nickname of 'Chopstick Baby' by local media, a baby born weighing 660g has survived a week outside the womb.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.