Jump to content

Dilemma about trying for number 2
Really need advice please


  • Please log in to reply
8 replies to this topic

#1 kayjayx1

Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:47 PM

Hi Ladies,

I’ve got a dilemma going on right now which I really need to resolve - I’m sure many of you have been in this situation before so am hoping that you will have some wise words to share with me.

(I’m thinking of posting this in a couple of different threads, so apologies if you are sick of seeing it pop up!)

I Apologise if this sounds long and rambly, I’ll try and keep it on track...

So, the big question is whether or not we are going to try for baby number 2, or make the decision to stay as a 1 child family.

Of course there are different pros and cons for every family, but the biggest things concerning me are these:

• Age – I am turning 38 this year, and DH is turning 46.  I’m not too concerned about my age, but am a bit about DH’s, and so is he.  I am ultra aware that it’s now or never.  I don’t want our child/children to have the oldest parents at the school gate.  DH had that with his mum (he is the youngest of 5), and admitted that he was so embarrassed about it. (For the record, I don’t think that either of us look our age).
• I like how it is at the moment! – DD is 4 and is awesome.  I absolutely love our world as it is, and don’t want it to change right now.  I love the time we get to spend with DD – especially as she is getting older, and able to do more things, and just generally more ‘portable’.
• I guess the biggest thing is that I can’t shake this feeling that if I don’t ‘try’, I will regret it in the future.  I realise that it might not work – we might not even end up with any embryos to transfer, and I think I’m ok with that because at least we will have tried.
• The IVF factor – DD was the result of many long hard IVF cycles.  Whilst we aren’t planning to do any more ‘full’ cycles, we will have to do frozen cycles for any pregnancy attempts we make.  The age factor is not the issue here are the eggs were collected a couple of years ago.  The procedure itself isn’t something that bothers me, I’ve done it so many times.  In fact, I’m not even sure why I’m mentioning it!
• I’m terrified of there being something wrong with the baby that would affect my daughters life.  But, we are planning to PGD or CGH on our frozen embryos which checks some or all chromosomes to rule out the possibility of using any of the abnormal ones in a cycle.  Never a 100% guarantee though.
• We are from the UK, and 99% of our family is still there.  DD was born in Australia.  I would be less concerned about her growing up as an only child if we were in the UK, but have no desire at all to bring her up there.  It’s kinda gross!  Similarly, when DH and I die, I worry about her being in this country without any family around for support.  I know she has always been here, and will be surrounded by friends, but will it be the same?
• Of course there are selfish reasons as well – going through the sleepless nights again, losing part of our social life for a while, not being able to go on the holidays we want because of having a baby with us etc.
• I really am worried that I might have regrets if we don’t try.  If it doesn’t work out, I’m ok with that.  Plenty of people have turned out ok from being an only child – I just can’t imagine how I could ever come to the decision that we aren’t going to try.  How do you do that?
• I feel guilty for thinking about trying for a number 2.  My daughter means everything to us, of course she does, and I don’t feel that anything is missing from our lives.  I completely accept that we are blessed to have had her, especially when we thought for so long that we might never have a child at all.  I’m so happy with what I have.  I think I’m just worried about making the wrong decision and regretting it in the future when it’s too late to change it.
• Saying that, a large part of my wanting to try for another is for DD’s sake rather than ours. – I love the idea of her having a little buddy who is always there for her (I know they might not actually get on, but YKWIM).  I have fabulous memories of family time with my brother from when I was a kid, and I don’t want her to miss out on that.
• When I entertain the idea of having an only child, I expect that we would make more of an effort to make sure she spends time with other children that we probably would do if she had a sibling – taking a friend on holidays with us etc.  
• I think that part of me would feel relieved about making the decision not to try for another – trivial things I guess come into it as well – I keep thinking about all the baby stuff we could clear out of the house!  And how we could get a puppy, and how I could perhaps end up training for the job that I’ve always wanted to do.  But you know what, all those things can wait.
• I had an appointment with my FS this morning and I have started on a frozen cycle.  Of course I can cancel the cycle at any time, but I think that if I do cancel, that will be the decision made, I won’t go back again.  – On a side note, my DD drew me a picture when I was at my FS appt (she had absolutely no idea where I was, or what for, we have never spoken about it when she could hear), and for the first time ever, she drew a baby on our family picture and said it was our baby!  Spooky spoons.

I know that ultimately the decision is ours, and I’m not asking for the ‘answer’ – just really keen to hear some opinions from people who have been there and made their decision either way..
I just can’t work out what to do – my decision changes, literally, minute to minute.  Driving into town today I convinced myself that the best thing to do was to leave things as they are.  By the time I was on the way home I had done a complete turn around and was certain that we should give it a go! Driving me crazy a bit.

I know I have kind of worded the above as if it’s all my opinions, but DH and I have of course talked about it, it’s not just my thinking!  Ultimately, if he had to give a yes or no, he would say no.

Thanks for sticking with me 
Kay.

#2 Bloomer

Posted 21 April 2012 - 07:03 AM

Long story short same boat 6+ years ago. Now I am always the oldest mum at the gate, though there are some grandmas.  But dh never the oldest dad, p*sses me off..he is 4 years older.  When I had Dd1 at 42 a GF who is an only child of virtually only children told me to try for a second.  Our girls have 19 cousins all either in the Netherlands or 1000s of Klms away. My two girls are great friends and love and hate each other. Our lives would be so much easier if we had stopped at one, but they have tipped the balance. I had dd2 at 45 and dh 49, of course it would be better to not be this age.

I am biased and have made my choice it is now your turn.  Amazing the number of mums at school who think they are older than me ... They are not far behind. No one cares.  We did not need to do IVF just had difficulties getting a vasectomy reversed.  I was only prepared to try natural.

Ÿou have even less reason to worry about anything being wrong with the baby, I opted for a cvs both times as yes we would not be around long enough.  Good luck.  About to drive 3 days to get home from a visit to their cousins. Luckily I and Dh are the oldest and the cousins are older but not heaps and there is even 2 younger. Our girls will have no barriers to the great Aussie European vacation, I'll miss them.


#3 PurpleNess

Posted 21 April 2012 - 01:50 PM

Hi OP ,
I'm in a similar boat minus the IVF ( although who knows)
My DS is on 4.5 months old & already we are having the chats about No2 or not. I'm 41 & DH is 32 so he's got time, I don't!

Both of us have siblings & now we realise how great it would be for our son to have that. Im worried about the physical aspect of it - not pregnancy & labour, that was fantastic but chasing a toddler & having to settle a new baby, I just don't know if I can do it.
Plus if we decide yes we need to start trying almost now, took us 8 months the first time so who knows if/when this time around.

I'm really torn as my sister & are are very close as is DH with his brother......but my fears are the same as yours - time to dedicate to DS, illness (id have a CVS again), coping with no sleep & 2 kids etc etc etc

Best of luck sorry I can't help! Other than to say you are 38 so you do have time to process things.

#4 nomissjane

Posted 21 April 2012 - 02:12 PM

Happily we are now pregnant with our second IVF bub.
I'll be 40 when this bub is born and hubby will be 51...having said that though he is the 'groovy' dad (even saying that shows my age, hehe). He's the guy with the cool music and endless patience to share with our two year old.
I've only briefly worried about our ages. I remember back to my primary school days and plenty of the 'daggy' parents were really quite young at the time, but 'old' in the head if that makes sense.
I firmly believe that 40 is the new 30 etc.

Part of the decision to have a second is the fact that my hubby is an only child who came out from the uk when he was 5. He hated not having cousins or siblings and we agreed that if we had one child that we would definitely try for a second.

I'm sure there are loads of people who grew up in happy families as only children who don't miss what they didn't ever have a bit.

Good luck with your decision.

#5 Sophie11

Posted 25 April 2012 - 07:41 PM

Hi
I had DD at 37 and my DH was not happy about a 2nd one due to our ages and just due to being happy...all I wanted was a little girl and I had it.  But he went along with it and we had DS when I was 40 my DH was 45...this has truely turned out to the best decision ever... my two just adore each other and its like they are in a world of their own...its like they are married...very strange but kinda cute...totally love each others games and jokes...and my DS is a handful but I always ask my DD is shes glad we had him and she says definetly...she says her life would be so empty and boring.  I know she would be fine on her own but he has made our lives complete...but boys are hard work at times...endless energy and craziness...hope that helps you....

#6 kayjayx1

Posted 01 May 2012 - 10:35 PM

Hi Ladies,

Thanks so much for your replies - I really appreciate you taking the time to read my long and rambly OP!!

There are some great points here for me to think about ...

QUOTE
I'm sure there are loads of people who grew up in happy families as only children who don't miss what they didn't ever have a bit.


I was actually 'relieved' to read this bit - it was almost like I had been wanting someone else to say that it's 'okay' to not want another - IYKWIM!

QUOTE
I firmly believe that 40 is the new 30
- Me too!


Hmm, lots to think about!

Thanks again - you ladies are fab original.gif

Kay.x.

#7 Lifesgood

Posted 08 May 2012 - 08:18 PM

Hi OP, I just wanted to pop in and say you are me four years ago! So strange all the similarities in our thinking and decision paths.

Long story short, we tried IVF for #2 and were spectacularly unsuccessful, gave it up as a lost cause and moved on with our lives, very happily I might add. Then I turned 40, we prepared to move OS for a couple of years and to our complete shock fell pg naturally!

I can only speak for us, and DS has been an extraordinarily easy baby, but it is the best thing that could have happened to our family in so many ways. Best of all is watching DD and DS together, they love each other so much, it melts my heart wub.gif

Good luck with whatever you decide original.gif

#8 Edna24

Posted 10 May 2012 - 11:19 AM

Hi hopefully I can be helpful too.
I'm a child of 'older' parents. My Mum was 35 when she had me (and 30 years ago this was ANCIENT) and dad was 47.
I was the second, my sister is very close in age to myself.
I was aware of mum and dad being older but it wasn't a huge deal. You can be an old 26 or and young 45. Dad was cool, very progressive in his approach to life and very social. He did die when I was in my 20s which was very sad, but it was not from an age related issue.
I was so grateful to have my sister with me, it would have been so hard to manage through that time and beyond without her. She's been my best friend throughout my life.
I hope that helps........


#9 Kitty-cat

Posted 28 August 2012 - 09:14 PM

My Mum was 41 when she had me almost 40 years ago and was the oldest Mum most of the time, but I look back now and it didn't really matter.

I'm now planning my 40th birthday party and also pregnant.

I really don't care if I'm older than most of the other mothers, however it's not at all unusual nowadays.  I'm pretty lucky in that most people think I look 8 to 10 years younger than I actually am.  Not sure if that will be the case when I've got a demanding new born ;-)

Good luck with your choice.  I personally would go for it as if you feel like you will regret it if you don't try, then you probably will.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Win a copy of 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

To celebrate the launch of EB member and contributor Julia's Watson's first book, we have five copies of Breakfast, School Run, Chemo give away.

Electronic tags may keep newborns safe

The possibility of using electronic bracelets for mothers and their newborn babies is being investigated by Adelaide's Women's and Children's Hospital. 

Baby steps: when your little one starts walking

As a parent there are so many milestones to look forward to. That first smile, first word - and, of course, that first step.

Julia Watson's new book 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

Tomorrow my friend Julia launches her first book. And while we're all overjoyed, the success is tinged with sadness. You see, Julia has stage 4 bowel cancer.

How not to name twins

Call me boring, but I don't think that when it comes to choosing my twins' names is the right time to use a good pun.

Fun Sunny Life pool inflatables just for babies

The babies of 2015 will thus be thrilled to paddle their happy baby legs in these brand new flamingo and swan baby inflatables.

Breastfeeding basics for beginners

Here are 10 tips to help make breastfeeding successful and stress free for both you and your baby as quickly as possible.

Girl smothers baby brother with peanut butter

This mum had a big clean up job on her hands.

How to hide those under eye shadows

Pandas are the only ones who benefit from under-eye shadows. If you're not fluffy and cute, you'll just look tired.

Young mum dies after being denied pap smear

A mother has died after she was denied a pap smear because she was deemed "too young" to need it.

Birthday cakes banned at childcare centre

A childcare centre in Sydney has banned birthday cakes after parent complaints about excessive sugar and children with allergies being left out.

Triplet surprise for newlyweds

As the radiographer moved the wand over her abdomen, Shelley King got the surprise of her life.

3 yummy Thermomix baby and toddler recipes

Louise Fulton Keats shares her recipes for babies and toddlers, including corn and sweet pikelets, pumpkin and pea risotto, and cheesy bunny biscuits.

Man arrested over toddler Nikki's death

A 31-year-old man has been arrested over the death of two-year-old Nikki Francis-Coslovich in Mildura.

Adoption ban on pregnant women to be lifted

Pregnant women will no longer be barred from adoption waiting lists in NSW, after the Baird Government decided the practice was discriminatory.

Are you getting enough magnesium?

Magnesium is the fourth most abundant mineral in the body, but we don't talk enough about it and the vital role it plays in great health and energy, as well as disease prevention.

5 workplace lessons for new parents

Take heart in these principles that will transfer seamlessly from the workplace into your new life as a parent.

Mums to follow on Instagram

A creative outlet for many, there are some savvy women complementing their blogs and businesses with riveting Instagrams feeds. We've chosen a few which have bucketloads of appeal; there are some big time players and some smaller local ones, and they each bring their special brand of magic to the Instagram experience.

Review: The Volvo 2015 XC90 SUV has all the safety features your family needs

The new Volvo XC90 SUV's focus on keeping you safe does not come at the expense of comfort in the XC90.

Kim Kardashian reveals she may have hysterectomy

Kim Kardashian has revealed complications during pregnancy means she might have to have a hysterectomy after the birth of her second child.

Why late night snacks wreak havoc on weight loss

 Loath as you may be to admit it, chances are that at some point you have found yourself in the kitchen late at night, devouring food.

Toddler twins pretend to be asleep to fool mum

They say twins have a unique connection. If this cute clip is anything to go by, these toddler sisters like to use their special bond to try to fool their mother.

Dad bags: 10 picks for out and about

Getting out of the house is a big priority in the early years of parenthood and you need to take a well-stocked kit with you. We've chosen 10 of the best nappy bags sure to appeal to dads in style and function.

Win a Mountain Buggy Swift

To celebrate Essential Baby reaching half a million Facebook fans, we have a Mountain Buggy Swift to giveaway to a lucky fan.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Dads who do their share have more sex: study

For women trying to encourage their partners to take more interest in fatherhood, it could be the ultimate incentive.

Think you might have IBS, coeliac disease or Crohn's?

Conditions affecting the gastrointestinal tract are common in modern humans, and many are on the rise - including irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) and coeliac disease.

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer.

The exercises you know you should be doing (but probably aren't)

I bet your to-do list today is long. But somewhere on that massive list, are you making time for your pelvic floor?

This baby really loves the family cat

Some babies get excited when mum or dad come to get them from their cot after a nap.

Designer kids clothing good enough to eat by Oeuf

Even if you aren't heading to the Northern hemisphere in the next six months, you can't help but love the amazing food-themed knits for babies and kids by cult kids brand Oeuf.

Early exposure to peanuts recommended for allergy prevention

A paediatricians' group is recommending that infants at high risk of peanut allergies be given foods containing peanuts before they turn one.

Home brand foods contain less salt than pricier rivals

Supermarket home brand foods, long derided as cheap and inferior, contain far lower levels of salt than pricier, branded rivals, new research shows.

Nannies for hire, wherever you're flying

Ever dreaded the prospect of a long flight, dreaming about how wonderful it would be for a nanny to entertain the kids?

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer: with an unusual photo shoot with their 'baby', a groodle (poodle/golden retriever cross) named Humphrey. The talented Elisha from Elisha Minnette Photography caught all the precious shots.

Is it okay to name your baby with a sense of humour?

My husband was sure that Danger was a good option for a boy. And as the pregnancy progressed, it actually started to sound really good.

Woman gives birth after having her own mother's uterus transplanted

In a world first, a healthy baby has been born from the same womb that nurtured his own mother.

So hot right now: double-barrelled baby names on the rise

It's one way to make your baby stand out from the pack – giving them not one, but two first names.

Second time around: is it really better the devil you know?

When I fell pregnant with my second child I was, naturally, very excited. Then it all started to come back to me - and I freaked.

Shopping with kids: breaking the pester-power cycle

You're out shopping with your little one and they're incessantly whining that they want a treat. It's easy to say no ... the first time, at least.

How did we have babies before apps came along?

Three months ago, my wife, Chrysta, and I were driving along Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles when she let out a harrowing cry.

When your toddler disagrees

There comes a time when your child starts having different views to you. I didn't realise that time would come so soon.

Win a Pacapod this Father's Day

To celebrate dads and families, we are giving away a Picos Pack from Pacapod Australia filled with a few extra goodies ENTER NOW

 

FREE TICKET

Discover the magic of the LEGO DUPLO Play Area in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.