Jump to content

Dilemma about trying for number 2
Really need advice please


  • Please log in to reply
8 replies to this topic

#1 kayjayx1

Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:47 PM

Hi Ladies,

I’ve got a dilemma going on right now which I really need to resolve - I’m sure many of you have been in this situation before so am hoping that you will have some wise words to share with me.

(I’m thinking of posting this in a couple of different threads, so apologies if you are sick of seeing it pop up!)

I Apologise if this sounds long and rambly, I’ll try and keep it on track...

So, the big question is whether or not we are going to try for baby number 2, or make the decision to stay as a 1 child family.

Of course there are different pros and cons for every family, but the biggest things concerning me are these:

• Age – I am turning 38 this year, and DH is turning 46.  I’m not too concerned about my age, but am a bit about DH’s, and so is he.  I am ultra aware that it’s now or never.  I don’t want our child/children to have the oldest parents at the school gate.  DH had that with his mum (he is the youngest of 5), and admitted that he was so embarrassed about it. (For the record, I don’t think that either of us look our age).
• I like how it is at the moment! – DD is 4 and is awesome.  I absolutely love our world as it is, and don’t want it to change right now.  I love the time we get to spend with DD – especially as she is getting older, and able to do more things, and just generally more ‘portable’.
• I guess the biggest thing is that I can’t shake this feeling that if I don’t ‘try’, I will regret it in the future.  I realise that it might not work – we might not even end up with any embryos to transfer, and I think I’m ok with that because at least we will have tried.
• The IVF factor – DD was the result of many long hard IVF cycles.  Whilst we aren’t planning to do any more ‘full’ cycles, we will have to do frozen cycles for any pregnancy attempts we make.  The age factor is not the issue here are the eggs were collected a couple of years ago.  The procedure itself isn’t something that bothers me, I’ve done it so many times.  In fact, I’m not even sure why I’m mentioning it!
• I’m terrified of there being something wrong with the baby that would affect my daughters life.  But, we are planning to PGD or CGH on our frozen embryos which checks some or all chromosomes to rule out the possibility of using any of the abnormal ones in a cycle.  Never a 100% guarantee though.
• We are from the UK, and 99% of our family is still there.  DD was born in Australia.  I would be less concerned about her growing up as an only child if we were in the UK, but have no desire at all to bring her up there.  It’s kinda gross!  Similarly, when DH and I die, I worry about her being in this country without any family around for support.  I know she has always been here, and will be surrounded by friends, but will it be the same?
• Of course there are selfish reasons as well – going through the sleepless nights again, losing part of our social life for a while, not being able to go on the holidays we want because of having a baby with us etc.
• I really am worried that I might have regrets if we don’t try.  If it doesn’t work out, I’m ok with that.  Plenty of people have turned out ok from being an only child – I just can’t imagine how I could ever come to the decision that we aren’t going to try.  How do you do that?
• I feel guilty for thinking about trying for a number 2.  My daughter means everything to us, of course she does, and I don’t feel that anything is missing from our lives.  I completely accept that we are blessed to have had her, especially when we thought for so long that we might never have a child at all.  I’m so happy with what I have.  I think I’m just worried about making the wrong decision and regretting it in the future when it’s too late to change it.
• Saying that, a large part of my wanting to try for another is for DD’s sake rather than ours. – I love the idea of her having a little buddy who is always there for her (I know they might not actually get on, but YKWIM).  I have fabulous memories of family time with my brother from when I was a kid, and I don’t want her to miss out on that.
• When I entertain the idea of having an only child, I expect that we would make more of an effort to make sure she spends time with other children that we probably would do if she had a sibling – taking a friend on holidays with us etc.  
• I think that part of me would feel relieved about making the decision not to try for another – trivial things I guess come into it as well – I keep thinking about all the baby stuff we could clear out of the house!  And how we could get a puppy, and how I could perhaps end up training for the job that I’ve always wanted to do.  But you know what, all those things can wait.
• I had an appointment with my FS this morning and I have started on a frozen cycle.  Of course I can cancel the cycle at any time, but I think that if I do cancel, that will be the decision made, I won’t go back again.  – On a side note, my DD drew me a picture when I was at my FS appt (she had absolutely no idea where I was, or what for, we have never spoken about it when she could hear), and for the first time ever, she drew a baby on our family picture and said it was our baby!  Spooky spoons.

I know that ultimately the decision is ours, and I’m not asking for the ‘answer’ – just really keen to hear some opinions from people who have been there and made their decision either way..
I just can’t work out what to do – my decision changes, literally, minute to minute.  Driving into town today I convinced myself that the best thing to do was to leave things as they are.  By the time I was on the way home I had done a complete turn around and was certain that we should give it a go! Driving me crazy a bit.

I know I have kind of worded the above as if it’s all my opinions, but DH and I have of course talked about it, it’s not just my thinking!  Ultimately, if he had to give a yes or no, he would say no.

Thanks for sticking with me 
Kay.

#2 Bloomer

Posted 21 April 2012 - 07:03 AM

Long story short same boat 6+ years ago. Now I am always the oldest mum at the gate, though there are some grandmas.  But dh never the oldest dad, p*sses me off..he is 4 years older.  When I had Dd1 at 42 a GF who is an only child of virtually only children told me to try for a second.  Our girls have 19 cousins all either in the Netherlands or 1000s of Klms away. My two girls are great friends and love and hate each other. Our lives would be so much easier if we had stopped at one, but they have tipped the balance. I had dd2 at 45 and dh 49, of course it would be better to not be this age.

I am biased and have made my choice it is now your turn.  Amazing the number of mums at school who think they are older than me ... They are not far behind. No one cares.  We did not need to do IVF just had difficulties getting a vasectomy reversed.  I was only prepared to try natural.

Ÿou have even less reason to worry about anything being wrong with the baby, I opted for a cvs both times as yes we would not be around long enough.  Good luck.  About to drive 3 days to get home from a visit to their cousins. Luckily I and Dh are the oldest and the cousins are older but not heaps and there is even 2 younger. Our girls will have no barriers to the great Aussie European vacation, I'll miss them.


#3 PurpleNess

Posted 21 April 2012 - 01:50 PM

Hi OP ,
I'm in a similar boat minus the IVF ( although who knows)
My DS is on 4.5 months old & already we are having the chats about No2 or not. I'm 41 & DH is 32 so he's got time, I don't!

Both of us have siblings & now we realise how great it would be for our son to have that. Im worried about the physical aspect of it - not pregnancy & labour, that was fantastic but chasing a toddler & having to settle a new baby, I just don't know if I can do it.
Plus if we decide yes we need to start trying almost now, took us 8 months the first time so who knows if/when this time around.

I'm really torn as my sister & are are very close as is DH with his brother......but my fears are the same as yours - time to dedicate to DS, illness (id have a CVS again), coping with no sleep & 2 kids etc etc etc

Best of luck sorry I can't help! Other than to say you are 38 so you do have time to process things.

#4 nomissjane

Posted 21 April 2012 - 02:12 PM

Happily we are now pregnant with our second IVF bub.
I'll be 40 when this bub is born and hubby will be 51...having said that though he is the 'groovy' dad (even saying that shows my age, hehe). He's the guy with the cool music and endless patience to share with our two year old.
I've only briefly worried about our ages. I remember back to my primary school days and plenty of the 'daggy' parents were really quite young at the time, but 'old' in the head if that makes sense.
I firmly believe that 40 is the new 30 etc.

Part of the decision to have a second is the fact that my hubby is an only child who came out from the uk when he was 5. He hated not having cousins or siblings and we agreed that if we had one child that we would definitely try for a second.

I'm sure there are loads of people who grew up in happy families as only children who don't miss what they didn't ever have a bit.

Good luck with your decision.

#5 Sophie11

Posted 25 April 2012 - 07:41 PM

Hi
I had DD at 37 and my DH was not happy about a 2nd one due to our ages and just due to being happy...all I wanted was a little girl and I had it.  But he went along with it and we had DS when I was 40 my DH was 45...this has truely turned out to the best decision ever... my two just adore each other and its like they are in a world of their own...its like they are married...very strange but kinda cute...totally love each others games and jokes...and my DS is a handful but I always ask my DD is shes glad we had him and she says definetly...she says her life would be so empty and boring.  I know she would be fine on her own but he has made our lives complete...but boys are hard work at times...endless energy and craziness...hope that helps you....

#6 kayjayx1

Posted 01 May 2012 - 10:35 PM

Hi Ladies,

Thanks so much for your replies - I really appreciate you taking the time to read my long and rambly OP!!

There are some great points here for me to think about ...

QUOTE
I'm sure there are loads of people who grew up in happy families as only children who don't miss what they didn't ever have a bit.


I was actually 'relieved' to read this bit - it was almost like I had been wanting someone else to say that it's 'okay' to not want another - IYKWIM!

QUOTE
I firmly believe that 40 is the new 30
- Me too!


Hmm, lots to think about!

Thanks again - you ladies are fab original.gif

Kay.x.

#7 Lifesgood

Posted 08 May 2012 - 08:18 PM

Hi OP, I just wanted to pop in and say you are me four years ago! So strange all the similarities in our thinking and decision paths.

Long story short, we tried IVF for #2 and were spectacularly unsuccessful, gave it up as a lost cause and moved on with our lives, very happily I might add. Then I turned 40, we prepared to move OS for a couple of years and to our complete shock fell pg naturally!

I can only speak for us, and DS has been an extraordinarily easy baby, but it is the best thing that could have happened to our family in so many ways. Best of all is watching DD and DS together, they love each other so much, it melts my heart wub.gif

Good luck with whatever you decide original.gif

#8 Edna24

Posted 10 May 2012 - 11:19 AM

Hi hopefully I can be helpful too.
I'm a child of 'older' parents. My Mum was 35 when she had me (and 30 years ago this was ANCIENT) and dad was 47.
I was the second, my sister is very close in age to myself.
I was aware of mum and dad being older but it wasn't a huge deal. You can be an old 26 or and young 45. Dad was cool, very progressive in his approach to life and very social. He did die when I was in my 20s which was very sad, but it was not from an age related issue.
I was so grateful to have my sister with me, it would have been so hard to manage through that time and beyond without her. She's been my best friend throughout my life.
I hope that helps........


#9 Kitty-cat

Posted 28 August 2012 - 09:14 PM

My Mum was 41 when she had me almost 40 years ago and was the oldest Mum most of the time, but I look back now and it didn't really matter.

I'm now planning my 40th birthday party and also pregnant.

I really don't care if I'm older than most of the other mothers, however it's not at all unusual nowadays.  I'm pretty lucky in that most people think I look 8 to 10 years younger than I actually am.  Not sure if that will be the case when I've got a demanding new born ;-)

Good luck with your choice.  I personally would go for it as if you feel like you will regret it if you don't try, then you probably will.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Tell us what you think

to WIN 1 of 2 $500 Coles/Myer gift cards

Dealing with a toddler's morning tantrums

Your schedule is not important to your two-year-old, and you cannot convince her otherwise. So what can you do?

Child in suitcase 'could have died eight years ago'

A child whose remains were dumped in a suitcase in the South Australian bush is believed to have been a girl aged between two-and-a-half to four.

MP breastfeeds baby during parliamentary session

An Argentinian mum and politician has caused a stir on social media after being filmed breastfeeding her baby.

My baby's first seizure

It was 1am on a cold winter's night when I woke suddenly to the screams of my 12-month-old son. Our lives were about to change forever.

Portable pools 'more dangerous than permanent ones'

Inflatable and portable children's pools may be required to be sold with compulsory fencing to prevent backyard drownings, with some experts even floating the idea of a ban.

Heartbreaking moment mum kisses her one-week-old goodbye

At 11.07am on April 2 this year, Sarah Marriott welcomed baby Sebastian into the world.

The amazing Tee Pee bed and kid-friendly Frankie Bunk bed

These kids' beds definitely fit the brief of providing personality and personal space for little people who are moving up in the world.

The funny things kids say when you're pregnant

Since becoming noticeably pregnant, my son has taken more of an interest in the sibling he'll soon have.

The real problem with having one child

In this age of political correctness, it seems the one subject still subject to discrimination is that of the Only Child.

Six-week-old baby found dead, believed stabbed

A neighbour heard a child screaming before a baby was found dead, believed to have been stabbed, in a house in Newcastle.

The fire hazard in more than 70,000 Australian homes

So far, 206 Samsung washing machines have caught fire and some have exploded. But many remain in people's homes.

How having a baby can bring on OCD

We all know that having a baby can turn your life upside down - and it can also bring a raft of new anxieties and worries.

IVF gender selection being considered for Australian parents

Couples using IVF may be able to choose the gender of their babies and women could be financially compensated for donating their eggs.

The best age to get married (according to the latest study)

Not too young, and not too old. That's reportedly the best age to get married. Not everyone agrees.

Yes, you can get pregnant before your period returns post-baby

After giving birth, the last thing you want to think about is contraception. But you can get pregnant before your period comes back.

Fellow diner rewards mum after toddler's tantrum

Parents of toddlers everywhere know the feeling. After working up the courage to take your child out for lunch or dinner in public you are rewarded with a mid-meal meltdown. 

IKEA begins massive safety campaign after two toddler deaths

Two children were killed when pieces from their Malm furniture line tipped over.

Beaneasy: sweet nursery furniture with a twist

If you're looking to introduce an organic element into your baby's nursery but want to step away from natural timber, we have the perfect alternative.

A dad's guide to hyperemesis

I am in no way qualified to advise women on how to cope with hyperemesis, but I've learnt some lessons that might be worth sharing with other partners.

Woman adopts best friend's four daughters after cancer tragedy

Best friends share everything - and for these two life-long friends, that includes family.

Baby Leo's mum excluded from $500K trust 'for her own protection'

Samuel Forrest didn't want his wife as a trustee of their baby Leo's half million dollar trust for her own "protection", it has emerged.

Confirmed: men gain weight when they become dads

Men who become fathers experience weight gain and an increase in body mass index, a measurement of body fat based on height and weight, according to a new, large-scale study

Carer investigated over washing machine photo posted 'for a laugh'

She said the photo of a boy with Down syndrome in a washing machine was taken just for fun, but no one else was laughing.

Mum's premature labour nightmare after high tea salmonella outbreak

An opulent high tea at a luxury Melbourne hotel has left 44 people with salmonella poisoning - including a pregnant woman, who went into early labour.

The day my son started a fire

Would you know what to do in a fire emergency? How safe is your home and family?

Prince George celebrates second birthday

Prince George's second birthday has been marked by the release of an official picture showing the toddler smiling as he is held by his proud beaming father.

Which beauty treatments are safe in pregnancy?

Is it safe to use fake tan, hair dye and nail varnish during pregnancy?

The five ways I know my 'baby' is no longer a baby

The truth is, I can no longer deny that my walking, babbling, somewhat-independent little miss is no longer a bona fide 'baby'.

Review: Cybex Platinum PRIAM pram

I'm not usually one who believes in love at first sight but that's exactly what happened when I first saw the Cybex PRIAM.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Tell us what you think

to WIN 1 of 2 $500 Coles/Myer gift cards

Why I'm choosing to be a single mother right from the start

I believe that you get out of families what you put into them, and I will give mine my all.

Mother and baby units are a necessity for mental health, not a luxury

I have had two postnatal psychotic episodes. The first when my eldest child was six weeks old, and another after my second child was born.

30 French baby names

French names are always in fashion, but a few have risen in popularity in recent years.

New mum's Spanish maternity nightmare

A British woman who gave birth in Spain has told of her ordeal after spending weeks trying to convince medics the baby girl was hers.

Preparing Rover to be a good dog with baby

Some friends of ours say that it's dangerous to have a dog around a newborn and that we should start looking for a new home for him. Is it?

Company offers to ship working mums' breast milk home

First Apple and Facebook announced they would pay $20,000 towards the cost of their female employees freezing their eggs, now IBM in the US has come up with an innovative new policy aimed at retaining female employees.

Prince William speaks of his pride at wife Kate and 'little joy of heaven' Charlotte

The Duke of Cambridge opened up about family life and his plans for the future in an interview to mark his first day as an air ambulance pilot.

'Glowing' eye saves baby Mason's life

A simple photo taken in front of an evening fire gave new mother Sarah Bowers the power to save her baby's life. 

Parenting and decision overload

Of all the advice people told me before having a baby, no one warned me about the amount of decisions involved.

Proof that toddlers can't be left unsupervised - ever

Parents of toddlers all know the moment when realise your child is being suspiciously quiet. It can only mean one thing - trouble!

Meet Jeremy Ryan, The Voice contestant with seven kids

If you have trouble recalling the ages of Jeremy Ryan's seven children on The Voice, you're not alone. So does he.

Baby's adorable reaction to wearing glasses for the first time

Getting glasses can be a formative moment in a person's life.

Police officer buys supplies for family after mum of six caught shoplifting

When a mum of six was caught shoplifting nappies, clothes and shoes for her kids, the last thing she expected was for a stranger to pay for her haul.

Why pregnant women on antidepressants shouldn’t panic about birth defect claims

The risk of having uncontrolled depression is far greater than the small increased risk of birth defects that may be associated with specific antidepressants.

Arrests made over children's birthday party brawl

Police have raided properties and arrested a number of people over a brawl at a child's birthday party at a play centre in Sydney's west.

Family shares awesome drone baby announcement

Looking for a creative way to share some big news? Look to the skies, like this family did.

Young warrior Owen defies doctors' predictions

Little Owen DiCandilo's name means "young warrior", and it's a description that perfectly fits the inspiring 18-month-old

Advice for dads: when to approach your wife for sex

The exhaustion that comes with caring for young children often means romance between parents becomes a thing of the past.

I might be fat, but I don't need saving

I've been fat for pretty much most of life, besides a few crazy moments of being less-fat, but for the most part I've existed on this earth with a little more meat on my bones than desirable.

The rookie mistakes we make as parents

Since the dawn of civilisation, generation after generation of new parents have had to rely on instinct, trial and error - and sometimes get it wrong.

 

FREE TICKET

See Pinky McKay live in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.