Dilemma about trying for number 2
Really need advice please
, Apr 20 2012 08:47 PM
8 replies to this topic
Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:47 PM
I’ve got a dilemma going on right now which I really need to resolve - I’m sure many of you have been in this situation before so am hoping that you will have some wise words to share with me.
(I’m thinking of posting this in a couple of different threads, so apologies if you are sick of seeing it pop up!)
I Apologise if this sounds long and rambly, I’ll try and keep it on track...
So, the big question is whether or not we are going to try for baby number 2, or make the decision to stay as a 1 child family.
Of course there are different pros and cons for every family, but the biggest things concerning me are these:
• Age – I am turning 38 this year, and DH is turning 46. I’m not too concerned about my age, but am a bit about DH’s, and so is he. I am ultra aware that it’s now or never. I don’t want our child/children to have the oldest parents at the school gate. DH had that with his mum (he is the youngest of 5), and admitted that he was so embarrassed about it. (For the record, I don’t think that either of us look our age).
• I like how it is at the moment! – DD is 4 and is awesome. I absolutely love our world as it is, and don’t want it to change right now. I love the time we get to spend with DD – especially as she is getting older, and able to do more things, and just generally more ‘portable’.
• I guess the biggest thing is that I can’t shake this feeling that if I don’t ‘try’, I will regret it in the future. I realise that it might not work – we might not even end up with any embryos to transfer, and I think I’m ok with that because at least we will have tried.
• The IVF factor – DD was the result of many long hard IVF cycles. Whilst we aren’t planning to do any more ‘full’ cycles, we will have to do frozen cycles for any pregnancy attempts we make. The age factor is not the issue here are the eggs were collected a couple of years ago. The procedure itself isn’t something that bothers me, I’ve done it so many times. In fact, I’m not even sure why I’m mentioning it!
• I’m terrified of there being something wrong with the baby that would affect my daughters life. But, we are planning to PGD or CGH on our frozen embryos which checks some or all chromosomes to rule out the possibility of using any of the abnormal ones in a cycle. Never a 100% guarantee though.
• We are from the UK, and 99% of our family is still there. DD was born in Australia. I would be less concerned about her growing up as an only child if we were in the UK, but have no desire at all to bring her up there. It’s kinda gross! Similarly, when DH and I die, I worry about her being in this country without any family around for support. I know she has always been here, and will be surrounded by friends, but will it be the same?
• Of course there are selfish reasons as well – going through the sleepless nights again, losing part of our social life for a while, not being able to go on the holidays we want because of having a baby with us etc.
• I really am worried that I might have regrets if we don’t try. If it doesn’t work out, I’m ok with that. Plenty of people have turned out ok from being an only child – I just can’t imagine how I could ever come to the decision that we aren’t going to try. How do you do that?
• I feel guilty for thinking about trying for a number 2. My daughter means everything to us, of course she does, and I don’t feel that anything is missing from our lives. I completely accept that we are blessed to have had her, especially when we thought for so long that we might never have a child at all. I’m so happy with what I have. I think I’m just worried about making the wrong decision and regretting it in the future when it’s too late to change it.
• Saying that, a large part of my wanting to try for another is for DD’s sake rather than ours. – I love the idea of her having a little buddy who is always there for her (I know they might not actually get on, but YKWIM). I have fabulous memories of family time with my brother from when I was a kid, and I don’t want her to miss out on that.
• When I entertain the idea of having an only child, I expect that we would make more of an effort to make sure she spends time with other children that we probably would do if she had a sibling – taking a friend on holidays with us etc.
• I think that part of me would feel relieved about making the decision not to try for another – trivial things I guess come into it as well – I keep thinking about all the baby stuff we could clear out of the house! And how we could get a puppy, and how I could perhaps end up training for the job that I’ve always wanted to do. But you know what, all those things can wait.
• I had an appointment with my FS this morning and I have started on a frozen cycle. Of course I can cancel the cycle at any time, but I think that if I do cancel, that will be the decision made, I won’t go back again. – On a side note, my DD drew me a picture when I was at my FS appt (she had absolutely no idea where I was, or what for, we have never spoken about it when she could hear), and for the first time ever, she drew a baby on our family picture and said it was our baby! Spooky spoons.
I know that ultimately the decision is ours, and I’m not asking for the ‘answer’ – just really keen to hear some opinions from people who have been there and made their decision either way..
I just can’t work out what to do – my decision changes, literally, minute to minute. Driving into town today I convinced myself that the best thing to do was to leave things as they are. By the time I was on the way home I had done a complete turn around and was certain that we should give it a go! Driving me crazy a bit.
I know I have kind of worded the above as if it’s all my opinions, but DH and I have of course talked about it, it’s not just my thinking! Ultimately, if he had to give a yes or no, he would say no.
Thanks for sticking with me
Posted 21 April 2012 - 07:03 AM
Long story short same boat 6+ years ago. Now I am always the oldest mum at the gate, though there are some grandmas. But dh never the oldest dad, p*sses me off..he is 4 years older. When I had Dd1 at 42 a GF who is an only child of virtually only children told me to try for a second. Our girls have 19 cousins all either in the Netherlands or 1000s of Klms away. My two girls are great friends and love and hate each other. Our lives would be so much easier if we had stopped at one, but they have tipped the balance. I had dd2 at 45 and dh 49, of course it would be better to not be this age.
I am biased and have made my choice it is now your turn. Amazing the number of mums at school who think they are older than me ... They are not far behind. No one cares. We did not need to do IVF just had difficulties getting a vasectomy reversed. I was only prepared to try natural.
Ÿou have even less reason to worry about anything being wrong with the baby, I opted for a cvs both times as yes we would not be around long enough. Good luck. About to drive 3 days to get home from a visit to their cousins. Luckily I and Dh are the oldest and the cousins are older but not heaps and there is even 2 younger. Our girls will have no barriers to the great Aussie European vacation, I'll miss them.
Posted 21 April 2012 - 01:50 PM
Hi OP ,
I'm in a similar boat minus the IVF ( although who knows)
My DS is on 4.5 months old & already we are having the chats about No2 or not. I'm 41 & DH is 32 so he's got time, I don't!
Both of us have siblings & now we realise how great it would be for our son to have that. Im worried about the physical aspect of it - not pregnancy & labour, that was fantastic but chasing a toddler & having to settle a new baby, I just don't know if I can do it.
Plus if we decide yes we need to start trying almost now, took us 8 months the first time so who knows if/when this time around.
I'm really torn as my sister & are are very close as is DH with his brother......but my fears are the same as yours - time to dedicate to DS, illness (id have a CVS again), coping with no sleep & 2 kids etc etc etc
Best of luck sorry I can't help! Other than to say you are 38 so you do have time to process things.
Posted 21 April 2012 - 02:12 PM
Happily we are now pregnant with our second IVF bub.
I'll be 40 when this bub is born and hubby will be 51...having said that though he is the 'groovy' dad (even saying that shows my age, hehe). He's the guy with the cool music and endless patience to share with our two year old.
I've only briefly worried about our ages. I remember back to my primary school days and plenty of the 'daggy' parents were really quite young at the time, but 'old' in the head if that makes sense.
I firmly believe that 40 is the new 30 etc.
Part of the decision to have a second is the fact that my hubby is an only child who came out from the uk when he was 5. He hated not having cousins or siblings and we agreed that if we had one child that we would definitely try for a second.
I'm sure there are loads of people who grew up in happy families as only children who don't miss what they didn't ever have a bit.
Good luck with your decision.
Posted 25 April 2012 - 07:41 PM
I had DD at 37 and my DH was not happy about a 2nd one due to our ages and just due to being happy...all I wanted was a little girl and I had it. But he went along with it and we had DS when I was 40 my DH was 45...this has truely turned out to the best decision ever... my two just adore each other and its like they are in a world of their own...its like they are married...very strange but kinda cute...totally love each others games and jokes...and my DS is a handful but I always ask my DD is shes glad we had him and she says definetly...she says her life would be so empty and boring. I know she would be fine on her own but he has made our lives complete...but boys are hard work at times...endless energy and craziness...hope that helps you....
Posted 01 May 2012 - 10:35 PM
Thanks so much for your replies - I really appreciate you taking the time to read my long and rambly OP!!
There are some great points here for me to think about ...
I'm sure there are loads of people who grew up in happy families as only children who don't miss what they didn't ever have a bit.
I was actually 'relieved' to read this bit - it was almost like I had been wanting someone else to say that it's 'okay' to not want another - IYKWIM!
I firmly believe that 40 is the new 30
- Me too!
Hmm, lots to think about!
Thanks again - you ladies are fab
Posted 08 May 2012 - 08:18 PM
Hi OP, I just wanted to pop in and say you are me four years ago! So strange all the similarities in our thinking and decision paths.
Long story short, we tried IVF for #2 and were spectacularly unsuccessful, gave it up as a lost cause and moved on with our lives, very happily I might add. Then I turned 40, we prepared to move OS for a couple of years and to our complete shock fell pg naturally!
I can only speak for us, and DS has been an extraordinarily easy baby, but it is the best thing that could have happened to our family in so many ways. Best of all is watching DD and DS together, they love each other so much, it melts my heart
Good luck with whatever you decide
Posted 10 May 2012 - 11:19 AM
Hi hopefully I can be helpful too.
I'm a child of 'older' parents. My Mum was 35 when she had me (and 30 years ago this was ANCIENT) and dad was 47.
I was the second, my sister is very close in age to myself.
I was aware of mum and dad being older but it wasn't a huge deal. You can be an old 26 or and young 45. Dad was cool, very progressive in his approach to life and very social. He did die when I was in my 20s which was very sad, but it was not from an age related issue.
I was so grateful to have my sister with me, it would have been so hard to manage through that time and beyond without her. She's been my best friend throughout my life.
I hope that helps........
Posted 28 August 2012 - 09:14 PM
My Mum was 41 when she had me almost 40 years ago and was the oldest Mum most of the time, but I look back now and it didn't really matter.
I'm now planning my 40th birthday party and also pregnant.
I really don't care if I'm older than most of the other mothers, however it's not at all unusual nowadays. I'm pretty lucky in that most people think I look 8 to 10 years younger than I actually am. Not sure if that will be the case when I've got a demanding new born ;-)
Good luck with your choice. I personally would go for it as if you feel like you will regret it if you don't try, then you probably will.
1 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users
The workplace isn't always a friendly place for pregnant women. Yet working women inclined to conceal a pregnancy from prying coworkers may be better off opening up and carrying on, according to a new study.
To celebrate Mother's Day this year we are giving you the chance to win one of five great prizes simply by telling us your story.
There is so much pressure about having a baby who sleeps 'all night' , it's no wonder you worry about your baby if she wakes in the night.
What makes some names have comebacks while others silently fade into oblivion? A few factors come into play.
Dads can have many reasons for not wanting their partners to breastfeed their baby, but both parents should learn more about it before making a final decision.
Most new mums would recoil at the thought, but Sarah Stage has shared a post-pregnancy selfie just four days after giving birth.
If you're a new mum and feeling ignored by the older mum/the old hand/the has-been, please know, it's not you, it's me. Blame the last child parenting fatigue.
Having a new baby isn't tiring - it can be downright exhausting.
I was on a high. I'd done it all by myself with no help from anyone.
We're big fans of kids' birthday parties - but this is one bash we're glad we didn't get an invite to.
Everybody loves a bargain - including the Duchess of Cambridge.
A lengthy note put on the window of a fish & chip shop has gone viral due to the writer's serious doubts about the romance of travel.
Pregnant women are under pressure to do all the "right things" to have a healthy child. It results in women feeling judged about their decisions.
Giving your child a sibling when you don't want to have another baby can be a complex issue.
The mother of missing toddler William Tyrrell says she has a vision that somebody "picked him up and moved him on ... that's the only way ... to explain for him not to be there".
Most 23-year-old blokes spend their hard earned cash on fun times with mates or romantic dinners with their girlfriend, but not Tommy Connolly.
The first all-female quintuplets born in the United States were delivered last week, at 28 weeks and two days.
He may be less than a week old, but baby James Hunter has already helped his model mum silence her critics.
A recent Reddit thread has revealed some of the more creative names in the world.
A US woman awakened this week from a four-month-long coma that doctors had feared would be permanent and learned that she had given birth to a baby boy, according to her family.
Posting a lot of baby photos doesn't make you a bad person. It may make your Facebook feed a little irritating, but it doesn't make you a bad person.
It's time to shift the focus off what dads aren’t doing and shine it on what they are.
If you're only just joining the modern cloth nappy movement, or would like to spruce up your collection, we have to introduce you to Designer Bums.
When you’ve just had a baby, having sex isn’t usually top priority. In fact, for a lot of women it rates about as appealing as changing another dirty nappy.
Is it acceptable to use these car parking spots when pregnant? How many of us would admit to doing it?
Fertility doctors have described their "most extraordinary case" - creating a healthy baby from sperm taken 48 hours after a man had died.
Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.
You have less than a week left to win your child one of five Fisher-Price toy packs valued at over $600 each - hurry, enter today!
Let’s keep talking about these issues and not allow them to be put into a neat little box that’s labelled ‘Fix childcare and everything is solved’.
When trolls felt the need to comment on 35-year-old singer-songwriter Pink's weight, her answer was an awesome ode to body love.
A national chain of fertility clinics is offering egg donors a $5000 payment to cover their expenses, a first for Australia which is raising concerns the money could act as an inducement.
Australian officials could do nothing to stop an Australian couple from abandoning their baby son, born through surrogacy in India, after they decided they did not want to bring him to Australia.
Individual choice works for haircuts and handbags, but not for preventing infectious diseases that kill kids.
If there is one thing Leilani Rogers knows about childbirth, it is that no two deliveries are ever the same.
Note to self: less sewing, more life. Not the party dress, but the party. The toddler, as usual, has it all figured out.
In 1965, Zella Jackson-Price was told her premature baby girl had died shortly after birth.
New research suggests that taking specific pregnancy probiotics could be the answer to a range of common pregnancy side effects.
Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.
Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.
A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.
Last week to submit a picture of your baby at play for your chance to win. Visit the Play Wall to view our recent entries.