Dilemma re trying for number 2
Really need some advice
, Apr 20 2012 08:45 PM
10 replies to this topic
Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:45 PM
I’ve got a dilemma going on right now which I really need to resolve - I’m sure many of you have been in this situation before so am hoping that you will have some wise words to share with me.
(I’m thinking of posting this in a couple of different threads, so apologies if you are sick of seeing it pop up!)
I Apologise if this sounds long and rambly, I’ll try and keep it on track...
So, the big question is whether or not we are going to try for baby number 2, or make the decision to stay as a 1 child family.
Of course there are different pros and cons for every family, but the biggest things concerning me are these:
• Age – I am turning 38 this year, and DH is turning 46. I’m not too concerned about my age, but am a bit about DH’s, and so is he. I am ultra aware that it’s now or never. I don’t want our child/children to have the oldest parents at the school gate. DH had that with his mum (he is the youngest of 5), and admitted that he was so embarrassed about it. (For the record, I don’t think that either of us look our age).
• I like how it is at the moment! – DD is 4 and is awesome. I absolutely love our world as it is, and don’t want it to change right now. I love the time we get to spend with DD – especially as she is getting older, and able to do more things, and just generally more ‘portable’.
• I guess the biggest thing is that I can’t shake this feeling that if I don’t ‘try’, I will regret it in the future. I realise that it might not work – we might not even end up with any embryos to transfer, and I think I’m ok with that because at least we will have tried.
• The IVF factor – DD was the result of many long hard IVF cycles. Whilst we aren’t planning to do any more ‘full’ cycles, we will have to do frozen cycles for any pregnancy attempts we make. The age factor is not the issue here are the eggs were collected a couple of years ago. The procedure itself isn’t something that bothers me, I’ve done it so many times. In fact, I’m not even sure why I’m mentioning it!
• I’m terrified of there being something wrong with the baby that would affect my daughters life. But, we are planning to PGD or CGH on our frozen embryos which checks some or all chromosomes to rule out the possibility of using any of the abnormal ones in a cycle. Never a 100% guarantee though.
• We are from the UK, and 99% of our family is still there. DD was born in Australia. I would be less concerned about her growing up as an only child if we were in the UK, but have no desire at all to bring her up there. It’s kinda gross! Similarly, when DH and I die, I worry about her being in this country without any family around for support. I know she has always been here, and will be surrounded by friends, but will it be the same?
• Of course there are selfish reasons as well – going through the sleepless nights again, losing part of our social life for a while, not being able to go on the holidays we want because of having a baby with us etc.
• I really am worried that I might have regrets if we don’t try. If it doesn’t work out, I’m ok with that. Plenty of people have turned out ok from being an only child – I just can’t imagine how I could ever come to the decision that we aren’t going to try. How do you do that?
• I feel guilty for thinking about trying for a number 2. My daughter means everything to us, of course she does, and I don’t feel that anything is missing from our lives. I completely accept that we are blessed to have had her, especially when we thought for so long that we might never have a child at all. I’m so happy with what I have. I think I’m just worried about making the wrong decision and regretting it in the future when it’s too late to change it.
• Saying that, a large part of my wanting to try for another is for DD’s sake rather than ours. – I love the idea of her having a little buddy who is always there for her (I know they might not actually get on, but YKWIM). I have fabulous memories of family time with my brother from when I was a kid, and I don’t want her to miss out on that.
• When I entertain the idea of having an only child, I expect that we would make more of an effort to make sure she spends time with other children that we probably would do if she had a sibling – taking a friend on holidays with us etc.
• I think that part of me would feel relieved about making the decision not to try for another – trivial things I guess come into it as well – I keep thinking about all the baby stuff we could clear out of the house! And how we could get a puppy, and how I could perhaps end up training for the job that I’ve always wanted to do. But you know what, all those things can wait.
• I had an appointment with my FS this morning and I have started on a frozen cycle. Of course I can cancel the cycle at any time, but I think that if I do cancel, that will be the decision made, I won’t go back again. – On a side note, my DD drew me a picture when I was at my FS appt (she had absolutely no idea where I was, or what for, we have never spoken about it when she could hear), and for the first time ever, she drew a baby on our family picture and said it was our baby! Spooky spoons.
I know that ultimately the decision is ours, and I’m not asking for the ‘answer’ – just really keen to hear some opinions from people who have been there and made their decision either way..
I just can’t work out what to do – my decision changes, literally, minute to minute. Driving into town today I convinced myself that the best thing to do was to leave things as they are. By the time I was on the way home I had done a complete turn around and was certain that we should give it a go! Driving me crazy a bit.
I know I have kind of worded the above as if it’s all my opinions, but DH and I have of course talked about it, it’s not just my thinking! Ultimately, if he had to give a yes or no, he would say no.
Thanks for sticking with me
Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:56 PM
Kay, I haven't been in your situation but the interaction between my daughters is amazing to watch, it will be the best gift you could give to your daughter. My first 2 DDs play beautifully together (most of the time
) and they both adore the baby.
Your attitude is perfect - give it a try, if it doesn't work out you will still have your beautiful family.
Posted 20 April 2012 - 09:06 PM
It's an intensely personal decision, but my feeling about it is that you know you want to at least try for another. As you're prepared to do this, I say, go for it!
Posted 20 April 2012 - 09:07 PM
I have been in your position. As a history, my DH and I both turned 40 last year, DD was born Jan 2007 (so just turned 5 this year). My DH is also from the UK and we have very little family around us.
My DH was not keen at all to have another baby but within myself, I really really wanted and needed it.
Fast forward and we now have a 10 month old son. He is just wonderful!
I will admit that the first month for DD was pretty rough, and for me too tbh, I felt such guilt about rocking her world and changing it all for her. But, and there is a but, she is absolutely wonderful with him and he adores her, crawling around after her, big smiles and their bond is truly magical to watch.
On the downside - yes, its tiring, I had completely forgotten the sleepless nights, and they seem harder this time round, not sure if its because I have another already, or my age or he is just not as good a sleeper as his sister. We (probably me moreso) are also experiencing some social isolation but I am fully aware, having done it before that it changes and ultimately, its a small sacrifice for a short amount of time.
Our (not so) little boy just balanced out our family so well. DH in fact has never been happier. He adores his little girl beyond words and is so grateful he has his little mate to seek him out in the house for a cuddle.
For us, it was the right decision and for the momentary disruption to the equilibrium of our family, it is well worth it.
I'd agree to give it a go, and if it doesnt work, you wont have any regrets. And if it does work, you wont have any either:)
Posted 20 April 2012 - 09:50 PM
I mirror many of your thoughts, e.g. your fear about your child being alone, them missing out on having a sibling, having regrets (except for the IVF and age - I am only 29 and DS was conceived first try).
However, I am different from you in the sense that I know I don't want another child. If my decision to have number 2 or not didn't affect my DH or DS in any way, I would be dead certain that I am happy with just 1. DS is only 14 months, but I know this with certainty already. However, I feel completely torn up with guilt when I think that I would be denying DS a sibling (something that I never had as an only child, and now very much wish I had) and also denying DH of another child that he desperately wants.
I had severe PND with DS for the first 8 months of his life, and that is a big contributor to my lack of desire for any more children. However its not the only factor. I really just feel 'content' with just one. I love DS more than anything in the world, and I never thought someone could ever bring me so much joy. But I feel that he's enough. Everything is going well, I've started working again and love it, we've got our routines down pact, and I wouldn't want to change it. I'm afraid of what another child will bring I guess. I know everyone says that its worth it in the end, but the thing is, I don't have another child yet, so I don't know what I'm missing out on, if that makes sense? Therefore I don't want to go there. I'm sure that if I did have another child in the end I would see that its all worth it and have no regrets, but I don't have another child right now and I feel absolutely no urge to change that.
Sorry I know thats not helpful to you, but just wanted to share my situation with you as some of our thoughts are the same.
I think you should just go with what your heart says. Itseems as though you're swaying towards trying, so just go for it and see what happens.
Best of luck to you.
Posted 21 April 2012 - 04:35 PM
it will be the best gift you could give to your daughter.
I really don't think this is true. Many siblings fight and have jealousy issues even if they love each other somewhere deep down inside. Another child also takes away resources from the first child and increases stress levels in the family - which will affect the first child as well. I had a second and while I love him it has been an incredibly stressful 2 years. The one is almost 2 now and sibling rivallry has ramped up like crazy lately and I don't see it ending any time soon (and I have an almost 4 year age gap and even that big gap didn't help).
It might be worse for me because DH has a very demanding job so I do everthing for the kids during the week from breakfast right through to bedtime and sometimes bedtime on my own. I struggle to listen to DD do her reading each evening and supervise her homework because the younger one is at me constantly. I also find getting to swimming lessons etc a huge trial whereas it used to be fun when I just had one child. Before DS was born I was starting to take DD to museums and movies but I haven't been able to do that at all since he was born and she has lost out as a result. I feel much more stressed and often find myself ranting and just feeling like my head is going to explode with the constant craziness of a toddler and sibling rivalry for attention and fighting.
My children are both lovely and intelligent but they seem to be very full-on so maybe others don't have this experience with two. I am sure that things will get better as the toddler gets older. So I think if you do have another it will certainly impact your family and change the things you can do with your oldest - it is up to you to decide if that's ok, and the most intense part of it may just be for a few years.
Posted 23 April 2012 - 04:31 PM
I have been in your position but about having number 3. Number 2 for us we knew with absolute certainty that we wanted another. For number 3 so many of the issues that you have raised came up for us and it was a really tough decision. After about 12 months of yes and no etc we decided to go for it but we made the agreement that if we fell pregnant and it didnt carry through ( i have a history of losses) we wouldnt try again and we would see it as a sign that its not meant to be. After 4 months of TTC we fell pregnant but sadly lost the pregnancy at 7 weeks. As agreed we are not planning to try again. DH is really against it now and doesnt want another baby. I am sad about what happened but in some ways relieved and I can move on now! Its a strange feeling as I feel that I was not comfortable to make a decision that I wouldnt have another but now that decision is made for me I am ok about it. We would have been happy if we were having another but at this point we accept its not meant to be
I cant really give any advice except that I see my children together and I am so glad they have each other, they are the best of friends and are lost without each other (but thats not to say it will stay like that). I also know how much a commitment a baby is so if you decide to stop at 1 then that is good too.
Posted 01 May 2012 - 10:48 PM
Thanks so much for your replies - I really appreciate you taking the time to read my long and rambly OP!!
There are some great points here for me to think about ...
I am sad about what happened but in some ways relieved and I can move on now! Its a strange feeling as I feel that I was not comfortable to make a decision that I wouldnt have another but now that decision is made for me I am ok about it.
- I get this - this is the attitude that I have too - if I try and it's not to be, the decision will be made, and I wiill know that I have tried.
One thing in particular that really surprised me in my own reaction to your replies was that I almost felt 'relieved' to read about people who have gone with the decision to have an only child, or were positive about the only child situation - I think that sometimes I feel like the only person I know who thinks that it might be ok... I'm still undecided, but I have realised that perhaps I am more ok with it than I thought - Maybe I just wanted to know that it was OK to think the way I was thinking. I don't know. I'm rambling again!
But on the flip side to that, it's so heartwarming to hear about beautiful little sibling relationships developing, and I wonder how I can consider not giving my DD the chance to experience that
Your attitude is perfect - give it a try, if it doesn't work out you will still have your beautiful family.
- This brought tears to my eyes - so true, thankyou
Hmm, lots to think about!
Thanks again - you ladies are fab
Posted 06 May 2012 - 07:00 PM
OP my DD is a wonderful product of IVF & she will be an only child. When DD was around 12 months old my DH confided that he did not want anymore children, I was actally relieved because at that stage either did I. As the years went on I started to have a niggling feeling that if I didn't atleast TTC using our one & only remaining FE then I would regret it.
There is no way we can afford to do a full IVF cycle again so after having a big chat DH & I decided that we would give the FET a try & if it didn't work then I knew I could move on happy that I tried & with no regrets.
6 months ago the one remaining FE failed to thaw, that is it now & I am at peace with having an only child. Knowing that I atleast tried is a comfort & I have no regrets.
Some days I really worry about DD not having a sibling but then I just look at her, how happy she is & how well she plays with her daycare friends & I know she will be OK. Having a sibling doesn't guarantee a better upbringing, I know plenty of people (my DH & SIL to name a couple) who have nothing to do with their siblings & never had a good relationship with them even as young children).
I just focus on the benefits of what having one child will provide for us as a family. We can afford to do things that we couldn't if we had more children, DD gets all our attention & we now have an awesome flexible life with a 4 year old, no sleepness nights & not having to time our day around feeds & sleeps iykwim.
It is a difficult decision OP & I understand. For me personally though only having the one FE I felt like I Just had to try but it is also a very personal choice & only one you can make.
BTW having one child is great
Posted 06 May 2012 - 07:19 PM
I am another who thinks a sibling is the best gift you can give a child. Sure, there is rivalry. As a parent it is your job to nurture the relationship they have and teach them how to love each other. It doesn't just happen.
That said, I am about to have my third and final child. Dh and I are older. This baby is our last attempt and it was touch and go for the first 12 weeks. Had I lost this baby, we would have not tried again. We were in a similar camp to you that we thought we would regret it had we not tried, but would be accepting if our attempt was not successful.
Posted 09 May 2012 - 04:50 PM
I am 35, I have one DD who is turning 3 and I have a bubba in heaven (lost at 19 weeks). I am battling with myself lately over this very same thing. I thought I was certain there would be no more babies, sold everything and just today I have started to feel guilt. Guilt that she won't have a sibling. I feel like I am being selfish.
I guess after a loss and a stressful pregnancy after a loss I convinced myself that we were done. ONly today I don't know what I want. Other reasons are financial, being able to go on holiddays every year, living comfortably. It's just easy with 3.
I don't want to get to an age where I regret my decision and it's too late. DH is quite happy to go along with anything I decide (which I guess makes it even harder). I thought I had made a concret decision but I feel like I am wavering.
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