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#1 ratbags

Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:09 PM

Just got told by my 14 year old son "you don't make me happy anymore which is why I like being friends with Danielle! you stopped being a happy mum and I couldn't cope without your happiness so I replaced you"

I feel like crying but all that will do is re enforce my unhappiness - this sucks crap!


#2 Guest_Retro_Mumma_*

Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:13 PM

sad.gif who is Danielle?



#3 JustBeige

Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:16 PM

argh.  bloody kids.

I dont know your situation so there maybe some 'truth' to what he said, but its still not ok for him to be that rude and purposely hurtful and very self absorbed.(I know hes a teen so thats just how they are)

However, I would be certainly having a big discussion about what he said and why he said it.

#4 jennywin

Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:17 PM

Wow, and I thought teenage girls were meant to be hell on their mums!!

Water off a ducks back. The stage will pass??

#5 DEVOCEAN

Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:32 PM

My first thoughts were 'Who is Danielle?' and 'What is Danielle really doing for or to him?'

Having had 2 teenage sons, I do not envy you one bit. DS#2 was prone to throwing things at me to voice his unhappiness.

#6 ratbags

Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:34 PM

Danielle is a 16 year old YR 11 girl who has liked my son since last year, I feel she is not the best person for my son, she comes from a very troubled family that has deep involvement in self harming (also her).  I have talked to him about why we have issues with her and that she cannot understand the boundaries that friends have she is really intense, constantly texting etc when he broke off with her last year she was "but you are my forever after you are the one!"  He places his phone in our room at night to get a reprive from it all.

But anyhow he will finish the relationship because too many people are not happy about the relationship. I have been advised from the school to keep her away from him because of what they know, the mother is forbidding her from seeing him because as she explained "why is she not fitting with her own peer group"

I started working 2 years ago in the city, this from being a stay at home mother for 13 years. I was the centre of his everything, the one reliable. My husband his dad does not have much of a connection with him, son is at that point of needing more interaction with male role models.

Our family is in NZ they really aren't interested, and we don't have alot of male friends unfortunately. My son went onto say that his father is like a mute who has nothing to say about anything, so it wasn't just me in the firing line.

I seriously look at my other boys and just want to give up on it all, I feel from leaving with loss and everything that I have been through with our son that I have already lived through 2 lifetimes of crap....

nno.gif  Sorry for the disjointed post, I am just so upset by all this, I remember reading years ago that alot of parents go straight to that memory bank of that happy toddler that always made them smile....it is heartbreaking - my saddest part is that I feel myself retracting inwards and away from my other two boys to protect myself, but I know this is the wrong thing to do.

I feel that my unhappiness is because I have been trying to carry this all along for so long, my husband cannot seem to understand the urgency to support me or share the load of responsibility.

Edited by ratbags, 20 April 2012 - 08:38 PM.


#7 eleishas

Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:41 PM

A. He'd be lucky not to get a back hander for being a smarmy little git.

B. I'd be feeling rather uneasy that he thinks the role of his mother and girlfriend are interchangeable.

#8 L&E

Posted 20 April 2012 - 08:55 PM

I agree with PP. You started work when he was 13 so now he's blaming his choice of GF on you cause you weren't "happy?". Don't buy into the guilt trip.

Your DH needs to pull his socks up and get involved.

#9 JuliaGulia

Posted 20 April 2012 - 09:04 PM

ratbags - I know it is so heartbreaking, but please try to not take it so much to heart (easier said than done, I know).  He is a teenager; they are programmed to hurt their parents wink.gif.

Honestly, this is up to your husband.  He really needs to step up now.  It doesn't matter if he is shy or quiet or doesn't really know how to speak to his own son.  Too bad.  His son needs him and he, the father, needs to find a way to connect - sooner rather than later.

#10 opethmum

Posted 20 April 2012 - 09:10 PM

I would be having it out with your DH because it seems this is a last chance opportunity with him to get him cued in and you need to stress the point that he will lose his son for good. He maybe around but it is as good as being dead, not having a cued in father is the worse thing that a boy developing in to man can have.  By not having a cued in father, he is really driving his son in to less than desirable company and this includes this Danielle chick.
I know he is saying he will end it but parental interference in this instance will only drive them more into each others arms and teens love the forbidden fruit and that in my opinion will bring a whole host of behavioural issues like lying by omission and encouraging deceitful behaviour.
I know you are a loving mother and want nothing but the best for your son and it is heart breaking for you to see such defiance and despair in your son. Your son needs to cope with the fact that you are now working and that it is normal for you to do so and to stop with his manipulative behaviour from him because there is a slight manipulation that he is doing. He is making you feel guilty because you have outside interests other than him and he can't control that. If things don't go his way, he bites back and give you this diatribe of its all your fault etc.

Perhaps seek counselling to help you manage better thing things you know need changing within yourself and maybe family counselling sessions may be in order to get everyone plugged in, open, honest and accountable.
Try Relationships Australia, they have kits to help families coping with difficulty and getting communication back into the forefront of you family.

I wish you nothing but peace and I hope you and your sons relationship improve with time and that you can heal and see a way forward in this present chaos.




#11 aprilrain

Posted 20 April 2012 - 09:15 PM

One thing I see in your post is that you feel he needs male mentors. If you've got time, go and check out the scout groups in your local area. They often have male leaders  as well as female, and are genuinely interested in the kids and are all trained volunteers. At 14 he would be in Scouts or Venturers and be able to do some things that you may not be able to do on your own. eg camping, hiking, rockclimbing and meeting lots of kids in his own age group.

With my oldest, I just told him we would go check it out and he could stay if he liked it.  

My teen would be a bit like this too. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I was always angry and picky and timepoor. I try and be aware of it but most of us feel under pressure.  

If you are happy most of the time thats great, but is he making a true statement to you and picking up more of your feelings than you'd like?

#12 i-candi

Posted 20 April 2012 - 09:30 PM

http://shop.abc.net.au/products/hell-be-ok...s-into-good-men

I have just finished reading this book and I found it pretty good, I wouldn't pay for it but if you can get it out of the library it might help. It's very easy and a quick read.

I feel your pain, we're not at the partner stage yet (DS is 12) but I've had a lot of advice of "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" ie don't forbid a relationship you don't like but get the partner to spend the majority time at your place. No idea if it can work though.

#13 ratbags

Posted 21 April 2012 - 10:16 AM

Ok I have had a good nights sleep, DH came home last night after being interstate for several days. One thing that we as a family do do is we talk, I told DH that I cannot carry this load alone anymore.

I agree with you that we need counselling, a friend mentioned to me the other day that perhaps the time had come for family counselling in view of issues that have been arising.

I will read that book He'll be ok, I think at the moment I need the insular reading than a talking this through right now. I do recognise that he is manipulating me, as I told him last night that no one person can or should be used to make a person happy! In my neurotic state last night I explained to my son that alot of what he is feeling is that he is getting older and the seperation from me is a normal healthy progression to manhood...he was really receptive to this though.

Bloody hell this parenting trip is heartbreaking, I can shoulder all this as long as I know that my son will still love me and I love him at the end?

#14 mum201

Posted 21 April 2012 - 10:40 AM

QUOTE (ratbags @ 21/04/2012, 10:16 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Bloody hell this parenting trip is heartbreaking, I can shoulder all this as long as I know that my son will still love me and I love him at the end?


HOnestly, when he is in his 20's this will all be a distant memory.  People always say how horrid teenage girls are, but boys are just as hard in their own way.

As far as what you are doing, I think try and keep bombing as much love at all 3 boys as you can (whether or not it feels reciprocated) and make sure they feel secure, as they go through adolescence.

I think the biggest issue though is your DH.  You sound like you are giving a lot, whereas he does not.  Fathers are SO crucial their sons. It's how they learn to be a man.  He needs to step up and reconnect.  Even if your DH is not the most communicative he needs to do things with his sons, whether it be a sport, fishing, camping weekends or something.  

He seems to be connecting with this Dannielle because all he has ever had is a female connection.  Because you are not as available now (not your fault), he seems to think the two roles are interchangeable.  Instead of this he needs to be building a connection with his father.

#15 ratbags

Posted 21 April 2012 - 11:07 AM

You know the one thing that stands out about your post mum201 is when you said "He has to step up and connect" one thing he said after I told all this last night is "why do I need to step up what does he want from me?" it left me sort of  blink.gif huh.gif  I am now doubting my ability to have chosen a sensible mate to procreate with.

As I explained to my DH  you are it now, I am not a man I am not a male, you are the one that he needs right now. Our son is going through a little sh*t stage too though because he is linked in with a great youth growth with strong male role models, but he doesn't want to go citing "they are not my type of people?" when pressed as to what are 'his type of people' he replies "I don't know just not them"

Edited by ratbags, 21 April 2012 - 11:07 AM.


#16 mum201

Posted 21 April 2012 - 04:54 PM

Ratbags - I am sure you picked a perfectly good mate to procreate with. He's just not getting it on this particular issue. As much as us mothers like to think we can be everything to our kids, I just don't think we can. Even if kids don't have a dad around they still need a strong male figure in their life.

You can't get yourself down about what your sonsaid because teens are like this, and you are trying to do the job of 2 people alone. Maybe try getting your DH to use some of the resources at raisingboys.com.au. It helped me when I became a guardian pretty much overnight to our challenging but wonderful teen nephew.

What is your DHs issue with playing a bigger role anyhow? If he gets on board he might find a good friend he never knew he had, in his own son.

Big virtual hug

#17 i-candi

Posted 21 April 2012 - 08:38 PM

Ratbag get your DH to read the book as well, there is a section in in that says how important it is for a father (or male role model) is important for a boy.

#18 José

Posted 21 April 2012 - 08:54 PM

sounds like a pretty tough time for your family. i think counselling sounds like a greta option. depending on where you are there are lots of options that wont cost you much (if thats a factpr for you) for example, community health centres, headspace, relationships australia, catholic care etc etc.
if your husband doesnt know what to do i think its ok for him to ask your son- to say something like ' i;ve noticed you've been a bit (insert as appropriate distant, moody, withdrawn) lately and Id like to help you. What is the best thing i can do to help.'

i think in the first post you said ur son said things have changed- that ur not as happy - ask him for specific examples of what has changed for him since ur not as happy. he may say something that you can work with- eg i loved it when we had a milkshake together on the weekends, or you used to have time to help me with my homework.

of course you arent responsible for his happiness, he choses how he interprets and responds to events in his life. his interpretations will directly influence his thoughts and behaviours. perhaps through counselling he could look at his interpretation of events.

best of luck

#19 DenimAngel

Posted 27 May 2012 - 07:48 PM

I have recently read another great book I borrowed from my son's kindy.  It's called "Growing Great Boys" by Ian Grant.  I found it an easy read and it has lists of tips and such including what Dad's can do, different stages of boys and Mothering alone which might be as a single Mum but could also be if Dad isn't stepping up to the plate.
Please, please don't give up.  Just when think they are never going to get it they do something to show you they really do care.  One of our boys has been more than a handful over the years and in the last year he has made a complete 180o and shown me a side of him I never thought he had and qualities I didn't think he had taken on.  
One of the most important things we discussed with him this last year was that happiness comes from within and the person he hurts the most if he chooses the wrong path is ultimately himself.  It took a long time but we are finally seeing the light.




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