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Would you NOT go to one of your parent's funerals?

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#1 terracottapots

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:13 PM

I lost my FIL earlier this year and we organised his funeral within a week. He suffered for a few years in his illness, and, while, we were not super-close, I loved him and thought that organising a really nice farewell was the best we could do seeing there was just so much sadness surrounding his illness.
It took us a week to prepare and the funeral was really lovely

Just recently I learnt that my'friend's MIL had passed away - her husband's mother. While they didn't live nearby her, they would often visit her once or twice a  year . They were on good speaking grounds with her but decided NOT to go to her funeral. I struggled to understand this and when I asked her why, She replied that there was tension within the family(siblings NOT talking to each other) and then went on to say that they could not afford to travel to the funeral(didn't have the airfare money. She also went on to say that they didn't have enough time to get everything organised to travel and felt like the other siblings had made the funeral arrangement date at an inappropriate date.
The MIL's partner was NOT also coming to her funeral because he had some problems with the sibling. Four of the grandchildren from two families were not going either.
I  thought it was just so sad. I told my friend that it was just so sad to hear, and while, I didn't understand, I would respect her decision.

I learnt that the funeral was very impersonanl - no personal eulogies, (just the celebrant reading the eulogy) - no slideshow - nothing..just photos on her coffin.

Later I got to thinking, would you do this? Would YOU NOT go to one of your parent's funerals?
Isn't it about them rather then YOU?

I saw my FIL's funeral as a celebration of HIS life and it was for everyone to get something out of.
His family came away with all the memories and wonderful reminders of his life...

Edited by terracottapots, 19 April 2012 - 06:17 PM.

#2 EsmeLennox

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:17 PM

I certainly won't attend my father's funeral when he dies, I'd be too tempted to dance on his grave.

#3 my serenity

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:18 PM

My parents looked after my grandfather in his dying days and on and off for years.....he passed away 2 dys later they saw will and all He!! broke loose they didnt come to funeral we were all ohmy.gif  one day there will be regrets. We dont speak to MIL if she passes kids and hubby will go I will not..... Even though in the early years she was a surrogate mum whats shes done from then I cant

#4 QueenIanthe

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:20 PM

I can't imagine not attending my parents funerals.

#5 katpaws

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:20 PM

I would only go to my mother's funeral because i would have to organise it. I would probably be the only person there. You reap what you sow.

#6 Becstarinator

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:20 PM

I would make every attempt to get to my dad's funeral, unfortunately I have already been to my mum's.

Mind you I don't have any issues with any of my immediate family members.

I know when my Grandpa died there was not enough money for mum and the three of us kids to go so dad went on his own (his mother).  My mum was always sad/regretted it, but honestly there probably wasn't even the money for dad to go.  Mum had away of making the money stretch when she had too.

Edited by Becstarinator, 19 April 2012 - 06:20 PM.

#7 Indi

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:22 PM

QUOTE (terracottapots @ 19/04/2012, 06:13 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I saw my FIL's funeral as a celebration of HIS life and it was for everyone to get something out of.
His family came away with all the memories and wonderful reminders of his life...

That's great for you.  Many people certainly don't have wonderful memories of a family member (DH for example won't be going to either of his parents' funerals) and don't want to celebrate their lives.

#8 Kay1

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:23 PM

If I thought that the person/people organising it was not handling it in a way that would allow me to say goodbye properly then I probably wouldn't go. Likewise if it was guaranteed to end in a big drama/argument/fight. To me that would be worse than just not going.  Its not like the deceased person would know. It would break my heart though - thankfully all the siblings in my and my in law family get on ok so it shouldn't be an issue.

Edited by Kay1, 19 April 2012 - 06:24 PM.

#9 knittingkitten

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:26 PM

I've been to my mum's, both grandmothers, one grandfather and too young to go to uncle's funeral. I wasn't on speaking terms with one of my grandmothers- something I'll regret till I die. I'm just glad I was at her funeral to honour her. Just wish I could have sucked it up earlier. sad.gif

My father and I have had a lot of issues over the years but I'll go. Just hoping his will doesn't leave me his debts. glare.gif

#10 Isolabella

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:27 PM

My parents I would attend, my grandparents, I went to my grandfather's but will not be attending my grandmother's (and secretly hope that my mum will stand firm and not attend her mother's funeral when the time comes).

My grandmother (mother's mum) is a horrid manipulative cow.

#11 SofaSpud

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:29 PM

Yes I agree that is sad. Being on bad terms with family members shouldn't come into it but if they were on bad terms with the deceased then i can understand them not going.  My family always attends funerals of people we know. All families are so different though i guess.

#12 #YKG

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:32 PM

I would yes but my oldest sister propably wouldn't (long story there)
I can understand why some wouldn't go. Some people have had horrific experiences from the hands of their parents. Unless I knew the whole situation I wouldn't think badly of them, I'd maybe think it was odd for a moment but not everyone's relationships with their families are all rainbows & butterflies.

#13 lafonda

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:33 PM

If my father was to die now I doubt I would attend. I don't have the money in the bank for return airfares.

Edited cos I messed it up

Edited by lafonda, 19 April 2012 - 06:37 PM.

#14 Al.Packer

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:33 PM

I'm not sure if I would go to my father's funeral.

Certainly, one of my brothers won't. My other brother, would go if I did, wouldn't go if I didn't.

I've actually wondered how we would find out if he died or was terminally ill. I presume mutual friends would tell my mum?

I actually had this conversation with Mum recently, about funerals and also if my Dad died, who he would leave the house etc too. I'd be surprised to see who, as he has chosen to not see my brothers and I for the last 6 years, nor meet any of his grandchildren.  I guess he'll have a special friend or one of his siblings? Depends on who has apparently slighted him least at the time of writing his Will  rolleyes.gif

#15 la di dah

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:35 PM

I don't know if I'd get back in time for the funeral.

Tradition dictates they be buried within 2-3 days max and its a 26 hour flight and at least 1500 dollars. We'd have to pull it out of the mortgage I guess.  

I'd like to at least get back for the shiva.

At one point my visa didnt allow me to go home; my mom actually said to me if something happened she and my dad didn't want me to **** up my visa if something happened to them because "whoever died isn't going to not die from you flying back."

#16 heart-beat

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:39 PM

I can't imagine not attending the funeral of anyone in my immediate family. But I don't have any feuds/dramas/bad history to contend with.

#17 Guest_BellyBug_*

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:44 PM

Nope. I will not attend either of my parents funerals.

#18 smc81

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:46 PM

QUOTE (Al.Packer @ 19/04/2012, 06:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm not sure if I would go to my father's funeral.

Certainly, one of my brothers won't. My other brother, would go if I did, wouldn't go if I didn't.

I've actually wondered how we would find out if he died or was terminally ill. I presume mutual friends would tell my mum?

I actually had this conversation with Mum recently, about funerals and also if my Dad died, who he would leave the house etc too. I'd be surprised to see who, as he has chosen to not see my brothers and I for the last 6 years, nor meet any of his grandchildren.  I guess he'll have a special friend or one of his siblings? Depends on who has apparently slighted him least at the time of writing his Will  rolleyes.gif

Are we sisters? This is what I was going to say about my situation, except I only have one brother, and he would go I think...

#19 ~*hiptobesquare~*

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:48 PM

I was only thinking about this today after my mother had a conversation with me about funerals etc.

While i am very close to my mother and love her to bits i would consider not attending her funeral.
( She knows this and  understands completely where i am coming from)

There are a lot of issues involved mainly because of siblings not getting along due to certain circumstances. I would want to remember and celebrate my mother in my own personal way. Not the circus i know it will become.

#20 threelittlegems

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:49 PM

I cannot imagine not going to my parents funerals, but I can understand why some ppl wouldn't.

I would imagine for some people, the only benefit they would get out of going to their parents funeral is their own psychological benefit (closure).

On a completely different note - I was very close to my Grandmother, she was like a mother, but I didn't go to her funeral. I did however drive for ten hours, and fly for another four hours to see her the week before she died and say my own goodbye to her alive and in person.

Edited by threelittlegems, 19 April 2012 - 06:50 PM.

#21 JustBeige

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:55 PM

I dont have the family drama that you have outlined in your friends situatiion so any parents funeral would be like your FIL's.

However I can absolutely understand your friends thought process.

Isn't it about them rather then YOU?
You would expect it to be so, but unfortunately the world and in particular family doesnt always work that way. You do have to think about how toxic it would be to yourself to attend.

Honoring someones memory doesnt mean you have to do it in a certain way.

Edited by JustBeige, 19 April 2012 - 06:58 PM.

#22 twinboys

Posted 19 April 2012 - 06:55 PM

I try not to think to far ahead....But I recently found out that my grandmother does not go to funerals.

She did not go to her sons funeral - he died of cot death at around 6 months of age. My grandfather had to arrange it all.

She did not go to her mothers funeral - she adored her mum. She was an only child and her mum lived around the corner so she saw her most days. Her mum died while she was 1000kms away in the early 70's. She was visiting my mother and I when I was a toddler(We lived in Port Hedland and she lived in Perth) She stayed in Port Hedland while the family organised her funeral

I love my grandmother.....but was a bit gobsmacked at this info! ( Not bad gobsmacked - just surprised)

#23 **Tiger*Feral**

Posted 19 April 2012 - 07:06 PM

I don't think the funeral is for the person who died. They are gone, they don't take part in it. For me, the funeral is for the family and friends to celebrate the person's life and to grieve their passing, and to have some sort of ceremony which helps mark their death and give a sense of closure. I like a good funeral.
I could understand if the family really doesn't get on that they might want to have their own memorial service separately but I don't really understand not wanting to go at all if it's someone you're close to. DH used to work as a funeral director and he has talked about some families where they had more than one memorial service because various parts of the family weren't talking to each other.
I can also understand someone really not being able to afford to go if it requires flights etc. We had to fly interstate for DH's Dad's funeral several years ago, and then the same for my mothers' funeral last year. We wouldn't have considered not going, but it was certainly expensive and for some people if there is no money there is just no money. In that case though I would also have a service of my own close to home.
My uncle didn't come to my mother's funeral (her only brother). It was less than an hour's flight but he has anxiety issues about travelling. There are lots of reasons people don't travel and they don't always tell you their real reasons.

#24 julz78

Posted 19 April 2012 - 07:06 PM

If I did not love my parents, if they had someway abused me and they were not part of my life I would not attend but to not attend because of a beef I had with a sibling is  pretty wrong in my books. In fact I am going to my nan's funeral next week sad.gif My sister and her partner whom we have had a major falling out with and no longer speak to will also be going. I'll just suck it up, I'm going for my nan, my pop, my mum and myself. My siblings attendence has no bearing on my going.

#25 LynnyP

Posted 19 April 2012 - 07:12 PM

If finding the money to go would have a significant negative impact on my existing family I think it would be indulgent to go.

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