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Ending a friendship. Final update post #48


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#1 samagard

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:15 PM

Need some advice.
Met my best friend over a year ago. Have kids around same age, quickly became close.
Just recently she told me (after some probing), that two of her other friends said they don't like me and it is either them or me.

Obviously I was pretty distraught by this. I have no contact with them except for big family events, and I am disgusted by their high school bully tactic.

Been told she needs space (from all of us) and work out what she wants to do. Doesn't want to lose me or them.

I am not sure what to do. I would never ever expect a friend of mine to make a choice like that. Sure, I am not particularly fond of these other two friends, but I don't have anything to do with them.

Not only does this affect me, but also my kids. I am not sure what I am supposed to do. Obviously it is her decision, but given one of the friends is also family, I feel like they will just bully her until she gives in. I haven't made close friends for literally 10 years (personal circumstances). If the friendship ended of it's own accord, I wouldn't be so hurt. Feel like I am in high school again :/

Edited by somebody_new, 26 April 2012 - 02:09 PM.


#2 Loulla

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:19 PM

They sound like very immature and controlling friends! How bizzare. Good luck with it all OP, what will be will be. And be glad you're not like them!

#3 erindiv

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:21 PM

Wow. If I was her I certainly wouldn't be choosing the "it's her or us" ones. How childish. If she 'picks' them you're better off without her!

#4 toosenuf

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:23 PM

I would just back off and let them sort it out.

#5 bark

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:23 PM

Goodness me sounds very high school.

#6 lozoodle

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:24 PM

I'd leave it with her, but what a horrible situation. Understandably you'd be really upset by this sad.gif

I think that is so sh*tty and immature of the other two friends. Who does that!?

If it were me being told that, I'd tell the people making me choose to F off. A real friend doesn't do that.

#7 ReadySetRace

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:27 PM

Why do they not want her to contact you? What's it got to do with them who she sees when she's not with them?

Can you tell us more?

#8 Amanda_R

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:29 PM

Let her have her space.  I'd say to her that you understand it's a horrible position to be put in, that you don't want to make it harder for her and that you truly value her as a friend and as a person.  Hopefully if you step back and let her think things over she'll see that you're a friend worth having and not someone who would give ultimatums like the other 'friends' are.

Step back, if she chooses them, then it's her loss.  If she chooses you then try and offer her some support as she'd probably be feeling pretty crappy too.  Any maybe down the line suggest that you're willing to help her sort out their issues with her if she doesn't want to lose them as friends either.  That doesn't mean you become a sap or anything, just show that you don't have an issue with them and that if she wants to be friends with them in the future you are ok with it.

Seriously though, how utterly juvenile of them.  If they don't like you, then they don't need to have anything to do with you.  Who she chooses to be friends with should be none of their concern.

#9 samagard

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:30 PM

doctorseuss
Honestly I don't know. They had a problem with how much we hang out and that I make them uncomfortable...when I see them the whole twice a year that I have.

Personally I think it is very different personalities (I don't really drink, don't go out etc), and the fact I was made the maid of honour recently for my best friend.
I did ask yesterday if I was out of the wedding and she said no. I am just really confused. Obviously I can't do anything. Doubt I would get a straight answer from them.

#10 Peace&Love

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:31 PM

Wow, I'd step back and let her go!

#11 Brrrroooce!

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:36 PM

Ugh.

I'm sorry your best friend was too weak to stand up for you, your friendship, and her right to choose her own friends.

If I was you I'd be giving them all a wide berth.



#12 samagard

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:36 PM

QUOTE (Peace&Love @ 18/04/2012, 04:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Wow, I'd step back and let her go!


I honestly considered that today. I feel like they will pressure her so much that it would be easier on both of us if I just said it was ok.
I understand her not being able to say no to the other friends. She wants to work out a way that we can all stay in her life. I am just not really wanting to take another rejection.

Received fantastic news the same night this was all said to me, and I was incredibly upset that I couldn't share that with my best friend.
To go from talking every day and now I am just waiting to see what will happen. Am letting her have space, but at the same time I just want this juvenile crap to be over.

#13 JECJEC

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:36 PM

The fact that she told you and that she is actually considering it speaks volumes to me. I personally would say think that because she needs to consider it that she doesn't value the friendship and to have a nice life.

#14 JustBeige

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:36 PM

QUOTE (Amanda_R @ 18/04/2012, 04:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Let her have her space.  I'd say to her that you understand it's a horrible position to be put in, that you don't want to make it harder for her and that you truly value her as a friend and as a person.  Hopefully if you step back and let her think things over she'll see that you're a friend worth having and not someone who would give ultimatums like the other 'friends' are.

Step back, if she chooses them, then it's her loss.  If she chooses you then try and offer her some support as she'd probably be feeling pretty crappy too.  Any maybe down the line suggest that you're willing to help her sort out their issues with her if she doesn't want to lose them as friends either.  That doesn't mean you become a sap or anything, just show that you don't have an issue with them and that if she wants to be friends with them in the future you are ok with it.

Seriously though, how utterly juvenile of them.  If they don't like you, then they don't need to have anything to do with you.  Who she chooses to be friends with should be none of their concern.

agree with everything Amanda said.



Just saw your update - So you are MoH for this poor lady that has been threatened.  

Wow! the hide of some people.

I guess the sad part is,  if she is bullied until she chooses, then you may possibly be out of the wedding.   Honestly, I would think that the groom or the brides parents might want to step in here, especially if they are family that is doing the bullying.

#15 mum201

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:37 PM

Are these girls 16?

#16 samagard

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:39 PM

QUOTE (mum201 @ 18/04/2012, 04:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Are these girls 16?


No, but I don't blame you for assuming that.

#17 Amanda_R

Posted 18 April 2012 - 04:45 PM

QUOTE (JECJEC @ 18/04/2012, 04:36 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The fact that she told you and that she is actually considering it speaks volumes to me. I personally would say think that because she needs to consider it that she doesn't value the friendship and to have a nice life.

If she's the sort of person that doesn't like conflict then it's understandable that she's 'considering' it, she probably doesn't know what to do.  It's a terrible position for supposed friends to put someone in, and if she doesn't have the strength to tell them to bugger off for doing it then of course she's not going to know how to handle it, hence why she needs some time out from everyone to sort herself out.

If she is the type of person that doesn't have the strength to tell someone to go jump, wants to avoid conflict and make everyone happy, then it kind of explains why the two friends would try and bully her and give her the ultimatum - because they think they will succeed.  She of course needs to see that what they are doing is manipulative and totally unfair, but that's something she most likely needs to find out on her own, the OP wouldn't be able to point it out to her (would just compound the problem), really the only person who might have a chance is someone else completely unrelated to the situation that the OP's friend looks up to.  Whether or not they exist is another thing though.

I think the OP should just step back, tell her friend she cares and understands, and hope the friend can realise what the other two are doing to her.  It's not fair on the OP nor the friend, but if she makes the wrong decision and chooses the other two, it's her loss.  She is an adult after all, she can tell them to go jump and keep the OP as a genuine friend, she just needs to she can too.



#18 Snorlax

Posted 18 April 2012 - 05:14 PM

QUOTE
The fact that she told you and that she is actually considering it speaks volumes to me. I personally would say think that because she needs to consider it that she doesn't value the friendship and to have a nice life.


I agree.

So very juvenile. I would wash my hands of it all. Take the higher ground & move on, if the friend bows to these immature idiots than she is no better. I certainly wouldn't want friends like that.

FWIW, I don't get along with my best friends other friend's (they are single, party people with 'interesting' morals) but I don't make it my friend's problem. I would never make an issue of it, we're just good at avoiding each other that way we all win wink.gif

Edited by Belle~Vie, 18 April 2012 - 05:15 PM.


#19 opethmum

Posted 18 April 2012 - 05:24 PM

Oh dear weddings can bring out the best in people and they can bring out the demon in some people. I do hope she has the strength to stick to her guns and that she can tell the very people who are allegedly supporting her to feck off and support her decisions she makes without the third degree or guilt trip.
I really feel for you and the awful predicament that you have been placed in. I hope for your sake she pulls through for you and that your friendship is assured and equally reciprocated and appreciated.
If she does not then I wish you peace and hugs and I hope that you can find friendship and companionship in some one more deserving.
But I agree that this situation is very, very, primary school and the behaviour by these other women is abhorrent.
Good luck OP.

#20 Cat Burglar

Posted 18 April 2012 - 05:25 PM

Sorry you have this happening  bbighug.gif

What immature idiots. If they dont like you they can just see her at different times. They probably are doing that to all her friends.

OP I think either way you should make some time for you and join a club or a walking group or something like that to meet some nice, normal people!

#21 BabeBlossom

Posted 18 April 2012 - 05:41 PM

I really feel for your friend OP the year of my wedding I had some issues with friends that I just did not have the time or mental capacity to deal with. I would take comfort in the fact she has come to you and spoken about it, she could have kept it to herself and dumped you with no warning.
I would try to support her to take a hard look at the situation they have put her in and maybe encourage her to speak with her mum, aunt, grandma, someone in the family who can help her who understands the family dynamics.
Ultimately she's nuts if she let's go of a friendship because her other 'friends' gave her an ultimatum out of jealousy. She will end up resenting them.

#22 A.K.A

Posted 18 April 2012 - 05:46 PM

OP - I agree with the 'step back' advice.

#23 samagard

Posted 18 April 2012 - 09:53 PM

And I give up.
After being told she needs a break from everyone, FB update has her hanging out with one of the "friends".

Sent her a message basically saying expecting me to sit back and wait to see if she picks me is ridiculous.  If she can't see the value of our friendship or can't tell people that they can't dictate her life I don't know what to say.
She is an adult. And that she knows where I am if she wants to talk.

I am just leaving it at that.
Closing your eyes and hoping it will just go away won't work.
I would never do that to a friend and I am pretty saddened that she didn't stand up for our friendship.
At least I have uni to focus on sad.gif

Edited by somebody_new, 18 April 2012 - 09:54 PM.


#24 roses99

Posted 18 April 2012 - 10:00 PM

I'm sorry, OP  sad.gif

You'd think we could all leave these sorts of friendship issues in primary school where they belong, but sadly that's not always the case.

I wonder though, if you have had the time to take a good, hard, critical look at your friendship?

I'm not for a moment suggesting that your friend's friends are justified in making your friend choose. Or that your friend is justified in allowing her friends to dictate.

However...has your friendship been pretty full-on? Maybe too full-on? Is it possible that her other friends felt that she'd become very exclusive with you and were jealous? You say you've only been friends for a year. I just wonder if your friendship was perhaps a bit too intense.

Please don't take that the wrong way. You haven't done anything wrong. And your friend is being weak in allowing her friends to dictate who her friends can be.

But perhaps this friendship - yours and hers - could use a bit of breathing space.

Again - I'm very sorry. It hurts. I get that.

#25 Mrs Dinosaurus

Posted 18 April 2012 - 10:02 PM

Oh that sucks OP sad.gif

I hope you find some new friends at uni (or work or play) - she sounds like she is easily bullied, at least by these friends so perhaps they have been doing it her whole life? That's the only excuse I can give her but I know how much it hurts to have a friendship suddenly end for no good reason.




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