How do you know when you've made a mistake, or you just need some more time?
Think I wish I could turn the clock back :-(
, Apr 18 2012 11:49 AM
11 replies to this topic
Posted 18 April 2012 - 11:49 AM
Going to be a long story I apologise :-(
DH and I haven't made the best financial decisions over our 13 years together, after we bought our first house (10 years ago), we got into the cycle of borrowing money for renovations etc, and didn't really make a dent in our mortgage (which was a modest mortgage). DH has been on very good money for the past 5 years or so (I don't work) so we paid our bills and lived well, but weren't responsible with our money.
DH is also a bit of a dreamer, and we've lost money along the way on investments and a couple of "schemes". Last year we went into business with our neighbours (long horrid story). The business was mildly successful, but we couldn't work with our neighbours and had a massive falling out. We lost only a bit of money, but the relationship with the neighbours deteriorated to the point where we had to move.
So we bought another house, significantly increased our mortgage, and now I think I'm regretting it. I think we rushed into it. We had been looking generally for a year or so, thinking we would need to upsize the house eventually, we wanted a pool etc. But now I'm really suffering regret for all the stupid mistakes we've made over the years which has now placed us in this position. We have a large mortgage, a house I don't "love", it's a great house, good potential but it needs some updating. Our last house was much smaller but we had fully renovated it and I loved it. We won't have the money needed for renovations here for a while.
One of my DDs just hasn't settled in to this house, she desperately misses her home, and we had a great backyard space at the last house, something we are sorely missing here, although we do have a pool.
DH earns excellent money and if we knuckle down we could pay off the mortgage in 10 years (we're in our early 40s), but I just can't shake the feeling we made a mistake. We really only added 3 years to our mortgage compared to the other house, and this house has huge potential to make money over the years (way more than the other house), but I still feel "yuck".
I just can't get out of this funk I'm in. I yearn for my old renovated house, I desperately want this one to be the same, but it'll take a while. I hate the size of the mortgage. Have others felt this way about moving into a new house? How do you know if you've genuinely made a mistake or just need some time to settle into a new situation? How can I look at things differently?
Posted 18 April 2012 - 11:55 AM
I would go see a financial advisor and talk about your goals with money and some strategies to meet these.
If it helps, I feel like this about holidays, I'm constantly going on extravagant holidays and I feel a deep regret that we don't own a house because of this. I don't know how to fix it so will be watching this thread for advice.
Good luck xx
Posted 18 April 2012 - 11:56 AM
I'd give it more time and plan some fun ways to learn to live your new house - is DS still young enough to love fairies? Could you change one of the rooms into a fairy den or something similar? Make the effort to make new memories in this house and you will learn to love it! I moved constantly as a young child, and I always missed my old house terribly - but making new memories is the way to go
Provided you can afford it and it is in no obvious way 'unsuitable' ie - has a bathroom and adequate rooms etc then I would just give it time. No house is ever perfect.
Posted 18 April 2012 - 12:01 PM
Yeah the last house we bought was a mistake. We were sick of looking and it seemed to have potential and we rushed into it big time. We sold it after a year or so of frustration.
The good thing was, we made a tidy profit on it, so I really don't regret buying it.. it was a good investment.
I kind of knew after about 3 months that we'd made a mistake in buying it... I didn't hate it, but there were some aspects that were very impractical and to change them would have cost more than they were worth.
Can you think about selling in a year or two OP? Perhaps think of the home as a live-in investment for a while?
Posted 18 April 2012 - 12:02 PM
It seems to me like you might be feeling this way because of the circumstances of your move rather than it being a problem with the new house itself. Could you compromise a little by doing a minor cosmetic reno (eg painting/ mini landscaping refresh etc) while you knuckle down on the mortgage? Is there any possibility of picking up some temporary part time work to speed that along? Your DD will probably be picking up negativity toward the house from your own feelings, could you create something positive for her to help? A special area outside or a bedroom makeover?
Posted 18 April 2012 - 12:05 PM
Is it possible that your house has become the focus for your anger and regret over past decisions? If this may be the case, I would try committing to knuckling down for two years. You don't need to suddenly become budget extroidannaire's (sp?) but perhaps if you can give yourself an opportunity to prove you have changed, while still allowing yourself an 'out' in two years, you can work through your feelings.
As a sidenote, whenever my child pulls the 'oh my goodness my life has changed! it's allll bad' I take the time to point out the good points. Rarely is a change completely for the worse.
Posted 18 April 2012 - 12:15 PM
I know my PIL wished they could turn back time. A block of land they could have paid $250k for, is now worth about 16 times that.
They were also offered other parcels of land for $16K that are now worth $70K.
Posted 18 April 2012 - 12:16 PM
I couldn't quite work out how long you have been in the new house for, however if you like the rough layout of the house and the location then I would stick with it for at least a few years.
What DH and I do when there is something we want to spend money on in the house is we set ourselves a goal to reduce our mortgage to a specific amount on top of the standard repayments then we can do the renovation.
For example we really want to put a deck out the back and do up the outdoor area. So our goal is to pay off an at extra $10000 on the home loan before we start this project, then we we re-draw $5000 to spend on our project.
I've found this encourages us to pay off our home loan as quickly as possible but still enables us to make the changes we want to our house.
Posted 18 April 2012 - 12:29 PM
OP, I can totally relate. When we sold our last house, we were in a great position and had found the perfect house in a great location in our favourite suburb. I picked DH up from the train station and we were going for a second viewing and to put in an offer..... until DH got in the car and told me he'd been given notice on his job.
It took me ages to get over that house. We went ahead with our sale and moved in with my parents. We ended up being there twice as long as we had anticipated and ended up buying this house after missing out on another (which was my preferred out of the two). Same as you, it was a case of "well, we need to buy SOMETHING". There was no way we could get into our favourite suburb as DH's new job paid less so we were forced to compromise on that too.
Practically, this house is much better for us. It's bigger, we can walk to school, shops and it has better public transport links. It's older though and needs some updating but none of it is urgent (think 20 year old kitchen - not horrendous, everything works, it's just not as nice as it could be!). Realistically though, it's going to be years before any of the big jobs happen as I won't be going back to work for a while. I get frustrated with it from time to time and think "I just want it DONE!" We have done some things which have helped make it feel like our "home" and after two years, I can finally say I'm happy here.
It would cost us over $20K in stamp duty alone to buy another house so that's not even an option for us. I figure if I'm going to spend that sort of money, I may as well spend it here!
Give it some more time and meanwhile, throw yourself into settling in as if you're never going to leave. Your mindset might just come around. Good luck.
Posted 18 April 2012 - 12:29 PM
I think you need to focus on this being a fresh start.
What's done is done, you can't change it. What you can change is how you make decisions in the future.
When you think about the money wasted in something, just remind yourself "Well, I'll know not to do that again"
The bigger mortgage .. doesn't everyone klind of feel a bit that way when they borrow? As long as you can afford the repayments at the moment, I'd be trying to put the mortgage amount out of my mind (yes I know, easier said than done!)
You don't mention how long you have been in the new house. I think it does take a while to get used to a new house. In your case, you had worked hard to get the old house how you wanted it, and probably feel like you have been forced to give it up. I'd be surprised if you weren't feeling regrets.
You need to time to make this new house your own. Maybe have everyone sit down and think of something they would like to change about the house, and something they like about the new house. Gets everyone thinking about the positives, and gives you an area to target. If everyone agrees they hate the colour of the curtains in the living room that you see every day, save and change that, that sort of thing.
If your DD is unhappy, maybe a bedroom makeover would be right. Get her involved. What colour would she like the walls painted. Find something to put on the walls - you can get wall stickers for not too much money. Maybe a new quilt cover and some pretty cushions for the bed. Little things that don't cost a lot, but makes the new bedroom into "her room". If she is involved in the process, that makes it hers, and even if there is other things that bother her, she will have her room.
Same with the backyard .. is there anything that can be easily changed? Add more plants, take out some gardens to make more space, trim the plants. Add a swingset? And give it tiime. Having a pool in the backyard is great ... just a bit hard to see the benefits of it when it's not the middle of a warm DRY summer
If it really proves to be the wrong house after a certain time, check out the housing market. Can you sell and make a profit (enough to at least the costs of moving house again). And maybe start looking again for the house that does feel right.
Posted 18 April 2012 - 01:06 PM
Thank you all for taking the time to respond and offer such helpful advice.
We've only been in this house for 4 months, so it is early days. We spent a bit of money putting new carpets in and the girls' rooms have been re-painted the colours of their choice, so we've done a couple of things that have definitely helped. There is nothing actually "wrong" with the house, it's huge, fantastic location (in the same suburb we were in, so it's familiar and we love the suburb), we're now in the catchment for a great high school, it just needs refreshing and I miss the new-ness and the decor of our last house.
A pp was right, we didn't leave our house because we wanted to (although we would have upgraded at some stage), but we literally had to move due to abuse being hurled at us over the fence and me being too scared to leave the house for fear of running into them. So maybe I am feeling like we were forced out. I said at the time I didn't want to be forced to move, in hindsight maybe we should have sold up and rented somewhere till we had our heads in a better place.
I really appreciate the posts, has given me good food for thought. I like the idea of not thinking that we have to stay here for ever, but seeing how "good" we can be in the next two years with our money and re-assess our position then.
I do plan on returning to work part-time this year (for the posters who mentioned it), I am currently doing some casual medical typing from home and plan to increase these hours, getting an extra job. My youngest has only just started full-time school this year so I now have the flexibility to be able to do that.
Posted 19 April 2012 - 02:33 AM
Yep one house we bought was a lemon. It had a spectacular view, and that sold me. But the house was WAY too small for our needs and although we had the money to do it up, there were no contractors available to do work at the time. Within 8 months we bought a different house, I was much happier. Eventually we sold the other house for a tidy profit (thank you housing boom). But the 8 months living there was feeling with a sense of regret and self annoyance, as was the couple of years we let it sit there, awaiting our efforts to fix that error.
1 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users
Two-year-old Quincy finished his potty training last week, and as part of his reward he was able to meet his idols.
I will never deny the fact that grief has a place when you give birth to a child who brings a set of circumstances very different to what you imagined. Because for nine months, I thought I knew my Georgie.
There was nothing Erica and Carlos wanted more than a baby.
The actor said there was "no other person" he was thinking about when he chose the name.
More than half of women who live with abusive partners experience violence during pregnancy.
A new mother was told she must flee Port Vila hospital with her baby as Cyclone Pam bore down.
There were a few signs I'm never going back to the land of maternity jeans, breast pumps and bassinets.
Australian actress Marta Dusseldorp has revealed she was forced to withdraw from a Sydney Theatre Company production because a director did not approve of her breast feeding.
Looking for a name that's a little bit different for a girl? Turn to names that have been traditionally used for males, as these celebs (or their parents) did.
Greg Hughes is "an absolute shell of a man" as he and his wife Catherine struggle to come to terms with the loss of their newborn son Riley to whooping cough.
Introverts are often misunderstood as shy, and sometimes even rude. A timid child can be difficult to build rapport with, but it's important we nurture their sensitive natures.
Sheryl Sandberg's advice
Forget foreplay. The new and improved route to intercourse is "choreplay" - it's good for your spouse, good for your house, and comes with the imprimatur of feminist du jour Sheryl Sandberg.
The first time your child learns a new skill at playtime is very exciting - for both you and your baby! Play is important to your child's development for a variety of reasons - here are some simple ideas for you to try at home.
For me, being the best mother I can be means being a mum alone, at least for now. Thinking of my friends with inadequate partners, I wonder why more people don’t choose single motherhood.
Weird poses, surprise photobombs, bizarre editing: these are the wedding photos that should have never seen the light of day.
The mother of a four-week-old Perth baby who died after contracting whooping cough says her family has been left devastated by the loss of her "gorgeous, sweet" son.
To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, we are giving away five DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!
Little Peyton Williams thought she was getting a baby sister named Charlee. But the two-year-old has had to settle for a doll dressed in pink after her baby "sister" turned out to be a boy.
We all know that having a strong immune system is the best way to stay healthy – but what can we do to help it along?
A Melbourne mum who died after the home birth of her baby pleaded with her husband to call an ambulance because she felt she was going to die, the Victorian Coroners Court has heard.
Q: My two-month-old baby doesn't like me. He's perfectly content with my wife, but when I try to hold him, he gets upset and cries. I've backed off a little, thinking that he just needs a little time to get used to me, but that doesn't seem to be working. I'm starting to think I'm just not a very good dad. Is it too late for me to build a relationship with my baby?
Wouldn’t it be great to get some nice feedback every now and then? After all, everyone likes to hear positive praise, particularly when it comes to parenting.
The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!
If you're looking to revive an older name, or don’t want anything near the top 1000 list, check out these rare monikers for your unique baby.
It’s great to see a generation of dads who are more actively involved with caring, nurturing and loving their kids.
When there’s no question that milk banks are important, why don’t we have more of them in Australia?
Television personality Carrie Bickmore has given birth to her second child.
Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.
A Norwegian man is facing jail after putting abortion pills in his ex-girlfriend's smoothie, causing her to have a miscarriage.
Jordy Jackson was born without eyes. He has anophthalmia, which affects one in every 100,000 babies born.
Model Sarah Stage has defended her pregnancy body after critics claimed her slim figure at eight-and-a-half months pregnant wasn't "normal".
To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, Essential Baby and Entertainment One are giving away five bumper DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!
I love to take pictures of my children. In some of the pictures, my younger son is nursing.
There are things I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know that companies make tiny braces, small enough to hold necks no bigger than a wrist.
When a couple discovers they're expecting multiples, the dad can sometimes be almost forgotten in all the excitement and preparation. But one group offers a space just for dads of twins and higher-order multiples.
A brave mum of two has shared details of the harrowing attacks she suffered at the hands of her partner in a bid to help other victims of domestic violence.
Early last year I turned 35, and having just found out I was pregnant, I opted to have the new test for Down syndrome.
If your family is more into Star Wars, gaming and the periodic table than most, you might want to check out these geek-chic baby items.
According to the Chinese zodiac, babies born in the year of the sheep are creative and enjoy spending quiet time with their own thoughts.
Pregnant women will for the first time have access to locally analysed, accurate, non-invasive pre-natal genetic testing when the first Australian clinic to offer the services opens its doors next week.
Not a day under 65 and a lifetime of struggle! That's the look of these newborns, who look adorably older than their real age. Social networking site Reddit recently featured user submissions of adorable grandbabies, here are our favourites.
An entire family was kicked off a Cathay Pacific flight when a misbehaving toddler refused to put his seatbelt on.
A baby stolen from her mother's arms shortly after birth has been found through an astonishing coincidence.
Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.
Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.
A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.
Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.
Sign up now!
Receive a daily email from Essential Baby during April with great play tips and ideas, then submit your baby at play photos to our Playwall, Instagram or Twitter for your chance to win.