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Did you expect your partner to lavish you and pay for more things when you were dating?
Or did you mainly pay for half of everything?


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106 replies to this topic

#1 anon1071

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:25 PM

Just had a discussion with a friend today about this topic.

He's very traditional and insists on paying for coffees and meals etc.

My partner doesn't do this. I don't expect him to pay for everything but i think a woman likes to be lavished every now and then, bought the occasional drink, coffee, whatever.
My partner likes to take it in turns to pay which is ok but something inside me wishes he would be a bit more generous sometimes and not so tit for tat.

When i first started seeing him if the total bill came to $40 he would go to his wallet and take out $20. My head tells me '' why should he have to pay for you too'' but another part of me is a bit annoyed!!

Just interested to know what your expectations are/were in relation to this.

#2 Chief Pancake Make

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:37 PM

When I first started seeing now DH he was not working full time and I was and he would refuse to let me pay for anything (even though it meant he would have to scrimp for the next week).  I actually had to sit him down and tell him he had to let me pay for stuff.

we are now married and as he likes to joke "the wooing is over" laughing2.gif

The ex used to insist on going halvsies even in the first month we were seeing each other - I sould have taken it as a sign.

#3 B-B-M

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:38 PM

I certainly never expected it, i was always more than happy to pay my share/take turns paying etc.

However in all the time i dated, i don't think i ever paid for anything. The men i dated insisted on paying everything, every time. Sometimes THAT would annoy me "I have a job! I have money! I'm capable of paying too!!" laughing2.gif









#4 blackcat20

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:41 PM

When I've only gone on one or two dates with a guy, I've let them pay (usually only for coffee). With the current boy, he paid for coffee and our first meal out, but I paid for the next one. I don't want him to think I'm cheap cos I really like him!  biggrin.gif

#5 anon1071

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:44 PM

I guess the other part of my question is...Is it unfair on the man for a woman to want to be wooed and bit?

#6 cinnabubble

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:46 PM

Is it sexist of the woman to equate wooing with being given stuff?

#7 NoMoreGuilt

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:47 PM

I presume by 'partner', he's someone you're in a serious, long term relationship with.
If thats the case, I would hate to be a relationship where everything had to be calculated and split in half. Like you said I wouldn't expect my partner to pay for everything, and when we were living together we split the major expenses such as rent and bills. However when we were out for dinner or drinks he would pay for it alot of the time. You're right, its just something that women like.
My partner is now my husband and we share all finances now so don't have that problem anymore! It does't matter who pays as it all comes from the same accounts anyway



#8 Starrydawn

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:52 PM

I think it is okay to go half. But if they are real pedantic about it, it would be annoying. I would think a more sometimes you pay both coffees and sometimes they do. Not keeping an account of every cent and halving it.



#9 Holidayromp

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:52 PM

I get embarrassed when everything is gets paid for.  On the other hand I get stabby when I have to pay for EVERYTHING - an old ex was like this.  He got paid very little and what he got paid he did not manage very well  but managed to buy himself the items he wanted like booze and drugs but he NEVER contributed and I had to pay for his share (when we went to group events) on top of my own.  The relationship never lasted he was too selfish in more ways than one....and he thought he loved me...blurrgh!

#10 Feral Dinosaurus

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:53 PM

I think everyone likes to be wooed a little bit but some people (that may or may not have certain gender characteristics) like to have things lavished on them and some like to do the lavishing. Of course there may also be an expectation that comes from all that lavishing, do a lot of men do a lot of lavishing for the pleasure of your (fully clothed) company? Or after a while does the pressure become greater to gve something in return?

It's been a while but I remember dating in my early 20's going something like that when they paid and being much more equitable when they didn't pay (or we went halves). My current DH we went halves first time at my insistence, he paid the next one, I surprised him with some tickets so I paid and then it went mostly like that until it got serious and he paid for everything as I saved up to move interstate to be with him. Luckily it turned out to be an awesome move biggrin.gif

Anyway...No, I don't expect to be lavished with money but I do like being lavished with time. I still like being lavished with time but nowadays it seems to be more "I'll take the kids out so you can have a bath" lavishing laughing2.gif

#11 Ferelsmegz

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:54 PM

No. I didnt.

But he did it anyway. I ended up 'making' him let me pay for stuff.

#12 Balto1

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:54 PM

When DH and I were dating, we alternated paying for meals etc. I don't get the expectation of pampering and gifts. We were both working and although his income was much higher, I was perfectly capable and happy to pay my half share.

#13 anon1071

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:57 PM

Thanks guys,

So would any of you find it a turn off in the least if he accepted your half of the coffee bill on you first date and never offered to pay or him bumbling through his wallet to find the exact half to cover what he ate at breakfast?

#14 Duck.

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:58 PM

He would when I was short on cash, I tend to offer though or I feel guilty

#15 Lisy-lis

Posted 17 April 2012 - 09:59 PM

I always expected the man to pay.   I don't think I've been on date since my first u/g degree and split the bill.

I don't think it's anything more than old fashioned courtesy and respect and one of the perks of being female.

I think paying, or least offering to pay, indicates the man is well mannered, and I love good manners.




#16 kadoodle

Posted 17 April 2012 - 10:00 PM

DH and I were broke, struggling students when we got together, so we used to search out free places to go and pack a drink/picnic.  $5 on a coffee would blow either of our budgets (we both worked casual jobs and had a lot of contact hours, neither got centerlink) and mean housemates having to cover for us, so we went for lots of walks as dates.

TBH I thought everyone went halves these days.

#17 hollysmama

Posted 17 April 2012 - 10:06 PM

I dated a few guys who went tit for tat, and it drove me insane, only because they felt the need to tell me it was my turn when I had every intention of paying. It was a complete turn off.

With DH, we just took turns for paying for things and never kept score of who paid more.  He probably coughed up a bit more than I did, but he was willing to do it.  It was just never an issue, and something I never thought of when we were together whiich was a nice change!

QUOTE
So would any of you find it a turn off in the least if he accepted your half of the coffee bill on you first date and never offered to pay or him bumbling through his wallet to find the exact half to cover what he ate at breakfast?

Yes it would.  I was with this guy who had never taken me out for a meal, and I said, why don't you take me out for dinner one night.  His response 'ok, I've got a 2 for 1 voucher at Buffalo Bills'  - TURN OFF!!!! Needless to say , it didn't last long.

Edited by hollysmama, 17 April 2012 - 10:09 PM.


#18 PeppaPig

Posted 17 April 2012 - 10:07 PM

I definately do not expect to have the "man" pay for everything, but I do see it as a sign of potential on 1st dates if they do pay without batting an eyelid...

I will offer to pay half for whatever meal etc but my current BF gets his wallet out and pays so bloody quick I now have to insist before we even leave that I AM PAYING and he hates it, but it makes me feel like I am pulling my weigh a little..
He still pays for heaps more than me, but he also knows I am on a limited budget....



#19 Feral Nicety

Posted 17 April 2012 - 10:07 PM

QUOTE (Lisy-lis @ 17/04/2012, 09:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I always expected the man to pay.   I don't think I've been on date since my first u/g degree and split the bill.

I don't think it's anything more than old fashioned courtesy and respect and one of the perks of being female.

I think paying, or least offering to pay, indicates the man is well mannered, and I love good manners.


Good grief.  Surely you are not serious?

Or does being a escort rate up there as a perk of being female as they are effectively paying for your time and company with their 'good manners'?


#20 Amanda_R

Posted 17 April 2012 - 10:07 PM

DH & I met when we were students, no lavishing occurred at all. Tounge1.gif

But I wouldn't have expected anything.  He pay, I pay, we pay half each, whatever.  It's just money.

#21 skylark

Posted 17 April 2012 - 10:09 PM

I am totally hopeless and old-fashioned with this stuff, which is just the result of my mother indoctrinating me with her 1950s feminine wiles. I have never paid on a date, ever - nor had a guy attempt to go halves with me. My husband is the least romantic guy ever, yet he paid for everything when we were together, even though we started our relationship (a decade ago) in a casual way. I always dated guys, let them take me out to dinner etc, and never was I expected to pay - to me, if you ask someone out then you pay, that's just etiquette.



#22 jcbenny

Posted 17 April 2012 - 10:12 PM

We paid for dates equally  when we started out. But he still spoilt me with little gifts of gesture ... 10 years foen the track the surprise gifts don't  happen anymore, well not as often as they use too... Still love my husband all the more anyway !!

We paid for dates equally  when we started out. But he still spoilt me with little gifts of gesture ... 10 years foen the track the surprise gifts don't  happen anymore, well not as often as they use too... Still love my husband all the more anyway !!

#23 ResultsNotTypical

Posted 17 April 2012 - 10:15 PM

QUOTE (workingmum0101 @ 17/04/2012, 09:47 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I presume by 'partner', he's someone you're in a serious, long term relationship with.
If thats the case, I would hate to be a relationship where everything had to be calculated and split in half. Like you said I wouldn't expect my partner to pay for everything, and when we were living together we split the major expenses such as rent and bills. However when we were out for dinner or drinks he would pay for it alot of the time. You're right, its just something that women like.
My partner is now my husband and we share all finances now so don't have that problem anymore! It does't matter who pays as it all comes from the same accounts anyway


I don't think just women like it though. I'm sure men like being treated to things as well. I love it when I can surprise someone with something thoughtful, be it a partner (new or old), a friend or a family member.

I find penny pinching a turn off, but I also find someone who is too generous with cash off putting too. I keep waiting to hear the expected trade off.



#24 Fluster

Posted 17 April 2012 - 10:16 PM

QUOTE (Holidayromp @ 17/04/2012, 09:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I get embarrassed when everything is gets paid for. On the other hand I get stabby when I have to pay for EVERYTHING - an old ex was like this. He got paid very little and what he got paid he did not manage very well but managed to buy himself the items he wanted like booze and drugs but he NEVER contributed and I had to pay for his share (when we went to group events) on top of my own. The relationship never lasted he was too selfish in more ways than one....and he thought he loved me...blurrgh!


I'm convinced we share an ex.  We have to.  The possibility that there are multiple men out there like this.  

OP, to answer your question, I think people in general like to be wooed.  When I started dating my partner I'd been with several jackasses, and I needed to see some sign I was important and worth the effort.  Unfortunately, partner lost his job about three weeks after we started dating and was unemployed, save for cash in hand jobs he picked up, for about two and a half months.  During this time he insisted he pay his share of things.  He wouldn't take a handout, even though paying half cost him proportionately far more than it cost me.  The fact that he made the effort really impressed me.  Obviously, I kept hold of him.  

I also secretly pinched a bill of his ($130 - it was a speeding ticket!) that came in and paid it before he had a chance to even think about it.  He didn't even realise what I'd done - I only told him a few weeks ago when it came up by chance.  

Even though I needed him to show me I was worth a stretch, I didn't really want to mess with his finances too badly.  I also don't like tightarses. If you aren't going to buy someone you like/lust after/love a coffee, when exactly are you going to put your hand in your pocket?

#25 -Emissary-

Posted 17 April 2012 - 10:18 PM

No. I actually feel pretty weird having anyone pay for my dinner. I always offer to at least pay half.

My first boyfriend and XP had me pay for everything. LOL.

Last boyfriend was a sweetheart in every way. We didn't go half and half but whoever has money pays. He bought quite a few expensive gifts for me..all unprompted. I still adore him to bits even though we're just friends now.  wub.gif

QUOTE
I always expected the man to pay. I don't think I've been on date since my first u/g degree and split the bill.

I don't think it's anything more than old fashioned courtesy and respect and one of the perks of being female.

I think paying, or least offering to pay, indicates the man is well mannered, and I love good manners.


Good grief. I look down on women like you. Women who expects the man to front up and see it as the right thing. (I bet you also bang on a lot about women equality eh?)

Edited by -Emissary-, 17 April 2012 - 10:33 PM.





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