How do you tell your friends?
Friends who have experienced loss
, Apr 16 2012 10:16 AM
6 replies to this topic
Posted 16 April 2012 - 10:16 AM
Posting this here because I feel safe and not sure where else is the best place to post but feel free to offer suggestions and I'll post. I also know that everything my friends have been through has been experienced here so after some suggestions.
In 2 weeks I will tell my friends I am pregnant. Not posting all over Facebook this time as it'll be a risky pregnancy due to thyroid issues. I would have told them earlier but I am deliberately holding off due to their circumstances. So one friend just miscarried at 12 weeks (has 1 child), one friend miscarried in Sept at 12 weeks and cannot get pregnant again, the last friend miscarried after IVF in March at 9 weeks then after IVF just had to terminate after 19 week scan.
Despite my history of 2 miscarriages last year I already have my DD and I know they won't be happy to hear this news. I mean of course they will be happy for me but it will be hard for them. I already know that 2 friends I'll email and the other one I'll text but I don't know what to say? I don't want them to have to put on a brave face and gush how thrilled they are and I want to acknowledge I know how hard hearing the news is (DD took 18 months to conceive and we have been trying for this one since Nov 2010)
The only reason I am even telling them is that I don't want them to hear it through rumor from other friends.
So, after suggestions what to say. I even thought something along the lines of "I know how hard it is to hear this news when you have been through what you have but I wanted you to hear it from me"?
Posted 16 April 2012 - 10:32 AM
Talking from experience on being on the other side, please tell them personally.
One good way to do it is either email or text message since this gives the person to get use to the idea instead of having to respond to you straight away. They might want to take a while to get use to the idea of you having another baby
Your friends will be happy for you but at the same time it will be why not me especailly after losses if their EDD is approaching.
Posted 16 April 2012 - 12:53 PM
You are definitely doing the right thing telling them personally. For me the hardest thing after my loss was having a workmate not telling me then gradually realising that she had a pregnant belly. As for what to say, I would go along the line of what you have said by letting them know that it will be hard for them to hear (would leave out after what you have been through) and that you understand if they do not express happiness for you and do not expect it from them.
After being there myself & with my SIL (who still isn't talking to me
) as rubylilysmum said it is such conflicting emotions they will go through and they may be confused themselves as to how to react, particularly if it is around any significant time for them.
Posted 16 April 2012 - 01:01 PM
I think personally in an email is good. You are usually sitting at the computer during a quiet moment so can absorb the news. My cousin did this for me recently. We had shared our TTC journey with each other - we had both started trying at the same time and finally after 2+ years, they emailed me when she got to 12 weeks to share the news. They didn't want me to hear it on the grape vine.
They just said they had some good news to share, told me about the pregnancy and then said they were thinking of me too, and wished me well. I think that is all you need to do. Probably not necessary to say that you know it is hard to hear. They will know that you know it is hard.
Posted 17 April 2012 - 11:09 AM
I'm a bit late posting on this topic but I just wanted to add that I also was in this situation with a close friend just a couple of weeks ago. We had trouble TTC our DS1 and suffered a miscarriage and partial molar pregnancy, both of which she was able to support me throughout. She fell pregnant with her DS1 just 6weeks before we had our first successful IVF so we both have sons the same age which is lovely. While we have gone on to have DS2 naturally and have now fallen pregnant with this new bub, she has endured multiple miscarriages including a 20wk loss of their dear baby boy just days before I gave birth to our DS2 so we have encountered many sensitive situations with these friends where we've had to tread delicately. She is still suffering the effects of these losses and I was fearful that my unexpected and second 'surprise' pregnancy might not go down very well...
So I emailed her also when I was about 6weeks to let her know. Like the previous posters have said, email seemed to be a good idea as she had time to process it without having to 'act' pleased or hide her tears in person. I just explained that I understand that they're going to feel some mixed emotions about our news but I wanted them to know as I believe it is far worse to be left in the dark. I told her she was someone I'd want to share all my news with, good and bad, but I knew this particular news would be hard for her to process when they've been through what they've been through recently. Having had miscarriages myself I just said I can relate to where you might be coming from if you're less than thrilled and I completely understand.
She was pleased for us but as I expected, completely devastated for themselves and their own situation. She has since booked in to get some professional help so that she can start to deal with her own feelings so I'm hoping this is the start of bigger and better things for her.
Sorry for the epic post but I just wanted to let you know I relate to where you're coming from. I think that so long as you tell them sensitively and with the understanding that they just might not be thrilled then I think you cant go wrong. If your friendship suffers because of it, hopefully it's just a temporary thing and once they've had time to process it, they'll be there for you too.
Posted 24 April 2012 - 06:58 PM
I have been lurking for a few weeks now but Franno, I just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread. I am 12 weeks this week and have been on both sides of the fence here. I was also trying to figure out how to tell friends who have sufferred loss so this thread has been very helpful.
Thank you ladies!
Posted 24 April 2012 - 07:55 PM
Franno - have you let your friends know about your pregancy yet and how did they react.
If anyone else is a simliar situation please let these people know presonally by telling themin person or text/email, i can't remember how many times i have been hurt finding out pregnancy news thorugh facebook.
And know this is still months away but when your baby is born let the person also know I have recently been hurt by my DS's best friends mum since all I asked of her was to text my once her little girl was born before it hit facebook, her daughter was born in Saturday and I am yet to hear from her
1 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users
The workplace isn't always a friendly place for pregnant women. Yet working women inclined to conceal a pregnancy from prying coworkers may be better off opening up and carrying on, according to a new study.
To celebrate Mother's Day this year we are giving you the chance to win one of five great prizes simply by telling us your story.
There is so much pressure about having a baby who sleeps 'all night' , it's no wonder you worry about your baby if she wakes in the night.
What makes some names have comebacks while others silently fade into oblivion? A few factors come into play.
Dads can have many reasons for not wanting their partners to breastfeed their baby, but both parents should learn more about it before making a final decision.
Most new mums would recoil at the thought, but Sarah Stage has shared a post-pregnancy selfie just four days after giving birth.
If you're a new mum and feeling ignored by the older mum/the old hand/the has-been, please know, it's not you, it's me. Blame the last child parenting fatigue.
Having a new baby isn't tiring - it can be downright exhausting.
I was on a high. I'd done it all by myself with no help from anyone.
We're big fans of kids' birthday parties - but this is one bash we're glad we didn't get an invite to.
Everybody loves a bargain - including the Duchess of Cambridge.
A lengthy note put on the window of a fish & chip shop has gone viral due to the writer's serious doubts about the romance of travel.
Pregnant women are under pressure to do all the "right things" to have a healthy child. It results in women feeling judged about their decisions.
Giving your child a sibling when you don't want to have another baby can be a complex issue.
The mother of missing toddler William Tyrrell says she has a vision that somebody "picked him up and moved him on ... that's the only way ... to explain for him not to be there".
Most 23-year-old blokes spend their hard earned cash on fun times with mates or romantic dinners with their girlfriend, but not Tommy Connolly.
The first all-female quintuplets born in the United States were delivered last week, at 28 weeks and two days.
He may be less than a week old, but baby James Hunter has already helped his model mum silence her critics.
A recent Reddit thread has revealed some of the more creative names in the world.
A US woman awakened this week from a four-month-long coma that doctors had feared would be permanent and learned that she had given birth to a baby boy, according to her family.
Posting a lot of baby photos doesn't make you a bad person. It may make your Facebook feed a little irritating, but it doesn't make you a bad person.
It's time to shift the focus off what dads aren’t doing and shine it on what they are.
If you're only just joining the modern cloth nappy movement, or would like to spruce up your collection, we have to introduce you to Designer Bums.
When you’ve just had a baby, having sex isn’t usually top priority. In fact, for a lot of women it rates about as appealing as changing another dirty nappy.
Is it acceptable to use these car parking spots when pregnant? How many of us would admit to doing it?
Fertility doctors have described their "most extraordinary case" - creating a healthy baby from sperm taken 48 hours after a man had died.
Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.
You have less than a week left to win your child one of five Fisher-Price toy packs valued at over $600 each - hurry, enter today!
Let’s keep talking about these issues and not allow them to be put into a neat little box that’s labelled ‘Fix childcare and everything is solved’.
When trolls felt the need to comment on 35-year-old singer-songwriter Pink's weight, her answer was an awesome ode to body love.
A national chain of fertility clinics is offering egg donors a $5000 payment to cover their expenses, a first for Australia which is raising concerns the money could act as an inducement.
Australian officials could do nothing to stop an Australian couple from abandoning their baby son, born through surrogacy in India, after they decided they did not want to bring him to Australia.
Individual choice works for haircuts and handbags, but not for preventing infectious diseases that kill kids.
If there is one thing Leilani Rogers knows about childbirth, it is that no two deliveries are ever the same.
Note to self: less sewing, more life. Not the party dress, but the party. The toddler, as usual, has it all figured out.
In 1965, Zella Jackson-Price was told her premature baby girl had died shortly after birth.
New research suggests that taking specific pregnancy probiotics could be the answer to a range of common pregnancy side effects.
Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.
Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.
A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.
Last week to submit a picture of your baby at play for your chance to win. Visit the Play Wall to view our recent entries.