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How do you tell your friends?
Friends who have experienced loss


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#1 franno

Posted 16 April 2012 - 10:16 AM

Hi ladies,
Posting this here because I feel safe and not sure where else is the best place to post but feel free to offer suggestions and I'll post. I also know that everything my friends have been through has been experienced here so after some suggestions.
In 2 weeks I will tell my friends I am pregnant. Not posting all over Facebook this time as it'll be a risky pregnancy due to thyroid issues. I would have told them earlier but I am deliberately holding off due to their circumstances. So one friend just miscarried at 12 weeks (has 1 child), one friend miscarried in Sept at 12 weeks and cannot get pregnant again, the last friend miscarried after IVF in March at 9 weeks then after IVF just had to terminate after 19 week scan.
Despite my history of 2 miscarriages last year I already have my DD and I know they won't be happy to hear this news. I mean of course they will be happy for me but it will be hard for them. I already know that 2 friends I'll email and the other one I'll text but I don't know what to say? I don't want them to have to put on a brave face and gush how thrilled they are and I want to acknowledge I know how hard hearing the news is (DD took 18 months to conceive and we have been trying for this one since Nov 2010)
The only reason I am even telling them is that I don't want them to hear it through rumor from other friends.
So, after suggestions what to say. I even thought something along the lines of "I know how hard it is to hear this news when you have been through what you have but I wanted you to hear it from me"?

Thanks!!

#2 butterflyangels

Posted 16 April 2012 - 10:32 AM

Talking from experience on being on the other side, please tell them personally.
One good way to do it is either email or text message since this gives the person to get use to the idea instead of having to respond to you straight away.  They might want to take a while to get use to the idea of you having another baby
Your friends will be happy for you but at the same time it will be why not me especailly after losses if their EDD is approaching.


#3 emnut

Posted 16 April 2012 - 12:53 PM

You are definitely doing the right thing telling them personally.  For me the hardest thing after my loss was having a workmate not telling me then gradually realising that she had a pregnant belly.  As for what to say, I would go along the line of what you have said by letting them know that it will be hard for them to hear (would leave out after what you have been through) and that you understand if they do not express happiness for you and do not expect it from them.

After being there myself & with my SIL (who still isn't talking to me sad.gif ) as rubylilysmum  said it is such conflicting emotions they will go through and they may be confused themselves as to how to react, particularly if it is around any significant time for them.

#4 libbylu

Posted 16 April 2012 - 01:01 PM

I think personally in an email is good.  You are usually sitting at the computer during a quiet moment so can absorb the news.  My cousin did this for me recently.  We had shared our TTC journey with each other - we had both started trying at the same time and finally after 2+ years, they emailed me when she got to 12 weeks to share the news.  They didn't want me to hear it on the grape vine.
They just said they had some good news to share, told me about the pregnancy and then said they were thinking of me too, and wished me well.  I think that is all you need to do.  Probably not necessary to say that you know it is hard to hear.  They will know that you know it is hard.

#5 christmasiscoming

Posted 17 April 2012 - 11:09 AM

I'm a bit late posting on this topic but I just wanted to add that I also was in this situation with a close friend just a couple of weeks ago.  We had trouble TTC our DS1 and suffered a miscarriage and partial molar pregnancy, both of which she was able to support me throughout.  She fell pregnant with her DS1 just 6weeks before we had our first successful IVF so we both have sons the same age which is lovely.  While we have gone on to have DS2 naturally and have now fallen pregnant with this new bub, she has endured multiple miscarriages including a 20wk loss of their dear baby boy just days before I gave birth to our DS2 so we have encountered many sensitive situations with these friends where we've had to tread delicately.  She is still suffering the effects of these losses and I was fearful that my unexpected and second 'surprise' pregnancy might not go down very well...

So I emailed her also when I was about 6weeks to let her know.  Like the previous posters have said, email seemed to be a good idea as she had time to process it without having to 'act' pleased or hide her tears in person.  I just explained that I understand that they're going to feel some mixed emotions about our news but I wanted them to know as I believe it is far worse to be left in the dark.  I told her she was someone I'd want to share all my news with, good and bad, but I knew this particular news would be hard for her to process when they've been through what they've been through recently.  Having had miscarriages myself I just said I can relate to where you might be coming from if you're less than thrilled and I completely understand.

She was pleased for us but as I expected, completely devastated for themselves and their own situation.  She has since booked in to get some professional help so that she can start to deal with her own feelings so I'm hoping this is the start of bigger and better things for her.

Sorry for the epic post but I just wanted to let you know I relate to where you're coming from.  I think that so long as you tell them sensitively and with the understanding that they just might not be thrilled then I think you cant go wrong.  If your friendship suffers because of it, hopefully it's just a temporary thing and once they've had time to process it, they'll be there for you too.

#6 foodster

Posted 24 April 2012 - 06:58 PM

Hi Everyone,
I have been lurking for a few weeks now but Franno, I just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread.  I am 12 weeks this week and have been on both sides of the fence here.  I was also trying to figure out how to tell friends who have sufferred loss so this thread has been very helpful.

Thank you ladies!

Sal

#7 butterflyangels

Posted 24 April 2012 - 07:55 PM

Franno - have you let your friends know about your pregancy yet and how did they react.

If anyone else is a simliar situation please let these people know presonally by telling themin person  or text/email, i can't remember how many times i have been hurt finding out pregnancy news thorugh facebook.

And know this is still months away but when your baby is born let the person also know I have recently been hurt by my DS's best friends mum since all I asked of her was to text my once her little girl was born before it hit facebook, her daughter was born in Saturday and I am yet to hear from her sad.gif

Mandy




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