Jump to content

How do you tell your friends?
Friends who have experienced loss


  • Please log in to reply
6 replies to this topic

#1 franno

Posted 16 April 2012 - 10:16 AM

Hi ladies,
Posting this here because I feel safe and not sure where else is the best place to post but feel free to offer suggestions and I'll post. I also know that everything my friends have been through has been experienced here so after some suggestions.
In 2 weeks I will tell my friends I am pregnant. Not posting all over Facebook this time as it'll be a risky pregnancy due to thyroid issues. I would have told them earlier but I am deliberately holding off due to their circumstances. So one friend just miscarried at 12 weeks (has 1 child), one friend miscarried in Sept at 12 weeks and cannot get pregnant again, the last friend miscarried after IVF in March at 9 weeks then after IVF just had to terminate after 19 week scan.
Despite my history of 2 miscarriages last year I already have my DD and I know they won't be happy to hear this news. I mean of course they will be happy for me but it will be hard for them. I already know that 2 friends I'll email and the other one I'll text but I don't know what to say? I don't want them to have to put on a brave face and gush how thrilled they are and I want to acknowledge I know how hard hearing the news is (DD took 18 months to conceive and we have been trying for this one since Nov 2010)
The only reason I am even telling them is that I don't want them to hear it through rumor from other friends.
So, after suggestions what to say. I even thought something along the lines of "I know how hard it is to hear this news when you have been through what you have but I wanted you to hear it from me"?

Thanks!!

#2 flyingfree

Posted 16 April 2012 - 10:32 AM

Talking from experience on being on the other side, please tell them personally.
One good way to do it is either email or text message since this gives the person to get use to the idea instead of having to respond to you straight away.  They might want to take a while to get use to the idea of you having another baby
Your friends will be happy for you but at the same time it will be why not me especailly after losses if their EDD is approaching.


#3 emnut

Posted 16 April 2012 - 12:53 PM

You are definitely doing the right thing telling them personally.  For me the hardest thing after my loss was having a workmate not telling me then gradually realising that she had a pregnant belly.  As for what to say, I would go along the line of what you have said by letting them know that it will be hard for them to hear (would leave out after what you have been through) and that you understand if they do not express happiness for you and do not expect it from them.

After being there myself & with my SIL (who still isn't talking to me sad.gif ) as rubylilysmum  said it is such conflicting emotions they will go through and they may be confused themselves as to how to react, particularly if it is around any significant time for them.

#4 libbylu

Posted 16 April 2012 - 01:01 PM

I think personally in an email is good.  You are usually sitting at the computer during a quiet moment so can absorb the news.  My cousin did this for me recently.  We had shared our TTC journey with each other - we had both started trying at the same time and finally after 2+ years, they emailed me when she got to 12 weeks to share the news.  They didn't want me to hear it on the grape vine.
They just said they had some good news to share, told me about the pregnancy and then said they were thinking of me too, and wished me well.  I think that is all you need to do.  Probably not necessary to say that you know it is hard to hear.  They will know that you know it is hard.

#5 christmasiscoming

Posted 17 April 2012 - 11:09 AM

I'm a bit late posting on this topic but I just wanted to add that I also was in this situation with a close friend just a couple of weeks ago.  We had trouble TTC our DS1 and suffered a miscarriage and partial molar pregnancy, both of which she was able to support me throughout.  She fell pregnant with her DS1 just 6weeks before we had our first successful IVF so we both have sons the same age which is lovely.  While we have gone on to have DS2 naturally and have now fallen pregnant with this new bub, she has endured multiple miscarriages including a 20wk loss of their dear baby boy just days before I gave birth to our DS2 so we have encountered many sensitive situations with these friends where we've had to tread delicately.  She is still suffering the effects of these losses and I was fearful that my unexpected and second 'surprise' pregnancy might not go down very well...

So I emailed her also when I was about 6weeks to let her know.  Like the previous posters have said, email seemed to be a good idea as she had time to process it without having to 'act' pleased or hide her tears in person.  I just explained that I understand that they're going to feel some mixed emotions about our news but I wanted them to know as I believe it is far worse to be left in the dark.  I told her she was someone I'd want to share all my news with, good and bad, but I knew this particular news would be hard for her to process when they've been through what they've been through recently.  Having had miscarriages myself I just said I can relate to where you might be coming from if you're less than thrilled and I completely understand.

She was pleased for us but as I expected, completely devastated for themselves and their own situation.  She has since booked in to get some professional help so that she can start to deal with her own feelings so I'm hoping this is the start of bigger and better things for her.

Sorry for the epic post but I just wanted to let you know I relate to where you're coming from.  I think that so long as you tell them sensitively and with the understanding that they just might not be thrilled then I think you cant go wrong.  If your friendship suffers because of it, hopefully it's just a temporary thing and once they've had time to process it, they'll be there for you too.

#6 foodster

Posted 24 April 2012 - 06:58 PM

Hi Everyone,
I have been lurking for a few weeks now but Franno, I just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread.  I am 12 weeks this week and have been on both sides of the fence here.  I was also trying to figure out how to tell friends who have sufferred loss so this thread has been very helpful.

Thank you ladies!

Sal

#7 flyingfree

Posted 24 April 2012 - 07:55 PM

Franno - have you let your friends know about your pregancy yet and how did they react.

If anyone else is a simliar situation please let these people know presonally by telling themin person  or text/email, i can't remember how many times i have been hurt finding out pregnancy news thorugh facebook.

And know this is still months away but when your baby is born let the person also know I have recently been hurt by my DS's best friends mum since all I asked of her was to text my once her little girl was born before it hit facebook, her daughter was born in Saturday and I am yet to hear from her sad.gif

Mandy




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

11 things that will happen when you're breastfeeding

After having three children and various degrees of success feeding them all, there's one thing I can tell you: virtually nothing will go as planned.

Surgery for baby born with a tail

A baby born with a tail has had it removed after doctors feared the birth defect might cause long term damage to his lower body.

When 'skin to skin' becomes a family affair

An adorable photo of a little boy and his dad enjoying skin to skin contact with newborn twins is melting hearts everywhere.

35 hilariously weird 'top tips'

Who would have thunk it? We never knew there were so many uses for feminine hygiene products. 

Pregnancy skin woes: acne, dry skin, itchy skin

Here are some of the most common skin complaints in pregnancy and how to tackle them, face on.

Watch this fun dance class for babywearing dads

Is there anything sexier than a babywearing dad?

Parents, this is how to cut grapes to avoid choking

One mum has learnt a harrowing lesson about the best way to cut grapes to make it safe for toddlers and little kids to eat.

When your kids have totally different temperaments

Sometimes it has felt like whiplash parenting. She perches watchfully while I vacuum; he tries to climb on and go for a ride.

How do our stress levels influence our baby?

Since having my second baby a number of people have commented on how placid, content and settled he is and, similarly, many have commented on how this is a reflection of how I am with him.

Separation anxiety isn't just for kids

Despite its prevalence, most doctors tend to be reluctant to diagnose adult patients with separation anxiety.

A charm bracelet, a boy, and my beliefs questioned

I was staring at the face of my son, realising that my once steadfast decision to be open minded was quickly unravelling at the seams.

Why I'm so grateful for Hayden Panettiere's PND honesty

There are baby steps and giant leaps forward. But there are steps backwards, too. And, oh, how they can hurt your heart.

The heartbreaking story of little Moko

The mother of 3-year-old Moko Rangitoheriri said she should have picked up on the signs. {Warning: distressing content}

Kate Beckinsale and teen daughter recreate birth photo

Kate Beckinsale has recreated her daughter Lily's birth photo, 17 years after she was born.

The adult-size stroller you'll want to test drive

It's one of the biggest baby related purchases they will make, so it makes sense that parents-to-be get a chance to road test a stroller.

Pregnancy announcement shows the reality of IVF

It's a long way from baby booties or bump shots people have become accustomed to in social media pregnancy announcements.  

Soleil Moon Frye welcomes fourth baby

"Punky Brewster" is a mom again, for the fourth time. Soleil Moon Frye announced the birth of her baby boy, Story, on Instagram Wednesday.

Mum breastfeeds baby found abandoned on the street

A woman has been praised as a "beautiful mother" after breastfeeding a baby which had been abandoned at the side of a street. 

A birth with a difference: the 'natural caesarean'

We've shared stories of gentle caesareans before, but a new video shows a new option called a 'natural caesarean'.

Baby name inspiration by music genre

If you're all about the music, then you'll need a musical name for that baby. We've got all the lists for you by music genre.

Giving effective instructions to toddlers

One of the most common errors made by parents is in how they give instructions to their children.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

The babies who are one in 70 million

Bethani Webb was excited to find out she was pregnant, but the first time mum did not realise she was carrying four babies not one.

Cafe offers breastfeeding mums a free cup of tea

A Sydney cafe is offering breastfeeding mums free cups of tea in a bid to show support for the right of women to nurse their babies wherever they choose.

To snip or not to snip? When the decision is not clear cut

Jamie Oliver, who considered a vasectomy, is to be a father again. A fellow dad reflects on his own decision 11 years ago

Doctors stunned by rare twins born almost six weeks apart

To everyone's surprise, Kristen Miller "kept doing better each day", keeping her second baby safe.

Baby book ideas for modern parents

Before my son was born I was given a lovely baby book full of blank pages waiting to be filled with weights and heights and first words.

The adorable smile of a baby seeing his mum clearly for the first time

There is no doubt seeing their child smile for the first time is an unforgettable moment for parents everywhere.

Mum tells how toddler 'nearly hung himself' in cot mishap

When Alison Johnson put her 18-month-old Caleb down for a nap, she had no reason to believe her son was in any danger.

Babies are still switched at birth? Yes, it can happen

All my panic and tears aside, my biggest question looking back is about the kind of security measures used in the maternity ward.

Doctors slammed for taking selfie with newborn

Everyone who visits a mum in hospital in the days following childbirth wants to get a photo with the new baby.

ergoPouch Twosie Sleepsuit for winter breastfeeding

Finally, there's a way to keep warm while breastfeeding through winter.

Health check: How long does sex 'normally' last?

What to do with this information? My advice would be to try not to think about it during the throes of passion.

When breastfeeding sucks: fixing common problems

From niplash to tight boobs, biting to milk supply issues, Pinky McKay looks at common breastfeeding issues and how to solve them.

10 things I've learnt in my first six months with twins

Six months on we're all still alive, and the more we get to know each other the easier the days become.

Mum's loving kiss leaves baby fighting for life

Kirsty Carrington thought nothing of giving her newborn son a kiss, little did she know it would leave the baby fighting for life.

When doing chores is your new 'me time'

After children, 'me time' looks a little different.

Get going: 14 travel strollers for families on the move

A stroller can make or break travelling with a baby or toddler. Here are 15 great single travel stroller options.

10 ways toddlers are terrific

It always pays to remind yourself of how terrific toddlers can be - they're little like this for such a short time

 

Vintage Toys

The toys of your childhood

Take a trip down memory lane with these vinage and retro toys that you may have had in your childhood or your parent's childhood.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.