Jump to content

How do you tell your friends?
Friends who have experienced loss


  • Please log in to reply
6 replies to this topic

#1 franno

Posted 16 April 2012 - 10:16 AM

Hi ladies,
Posting this here because I feel safe and not sure where else is the best place to post but feel free to offer suggestions and I'll post. I also know that everything my friends have been through has been experienced here so after some suggestions.
In 2 weeks I will tell my friends I am pregnant. Not posting all over Facebook this time as it'll be a risky pregnancy due to thyroid issues. I would have told them earlier but I am deliberately holding off due to their circumstances. So one friend just miscarried at 12 weeks (has 1 child), one friend miscarried in Sept at 12 weeks and cannot get pregnant again, the last friend miscarried after IVF in March at 9 weeks then after IVF just had to terminate after 19 week scan.
Despite my history of 2 miscarriages last year I already have my DD and I know they won't be happy to hear this news. I mean of course they will be happy for me but it will be hard for them. I already know that 2 friends I'll email and the other one I'll text but I don't know what to say? I don't want them to have to put on a brave face and gush how thrilled they are and I want to acknowledge I know how hard hearing the news is (DD took 18 months to conceive and we have been trying for this one since Nov 2010)
The only reason I am even telling them is that I don't want them to hear it through rumor from other friends.
So, after suggestions what to say. I even thought something along the lines of "I know how hard it is to hear this news when you have been through what you have but I wanted you to hear it from me"?

Thanks!!

#2 butterflyangels

Posted 16 April 2012 - 10:32 AM

Talking from experience on being on the other side, please tell them personally.
One good way to do it is either email or text message since this gives the person to get use to the idea instead of having to respond to you straight away.  They might want to take a while to get use to the idea of you having another baby
Your friends will be happy for you but at the same time it will be why not me especailly after losses if their EDD is approaching.


#3 emnut

Posted 16 April 2012 - 12:53 PM

You are definitely doing the right thing telling them personally.  For me the hardest thing after my loss was having a workmate not telling me then gradually realising that she had a pregnant belly.  As for what to say, I would go along the line of what you have said by letting them know that it will be hard for them to hear (would leave out after what you have been through) and that you understand if they do not express happiness for you and do not expect it from them.

After being there myself & with my SIL (who still isn't talking to me sad.gif ) as rubylilysmum  said it is such conflicting emotions they will go through and they may be confused themselves as to how to react, particularly if it is around any significant time for them.

#4 libbylu

Posted 16 April 2012 - 01:01 PM

I think personally in an email is good.  You are usually sitting at the computer during a quiet moment so can absorb the news.  My cousin did this for me recently.  We had shared our TTC journey with each other - we had both started trying at the same time and finally after 2+ years, they emailed me when she got to 12 weeks to share the news.  They didn't want me to hear it on the grape vine.
They just said they had some good news to share, told me about the pregnancy and then said they were thinking of me too, and wished me well.  I think that is all you need to do.  Probably not necessary to say that you know it is hard to hear.  They will know that you know it is hard.

#5 christmasiscoming

Posted 17 April 2012 - 11:09 AM

I'm a bit late posting on this topic but I just wanted to add that I also was in this situation with a close friend just a couple of weeks ago.  We had trouble TTC our DS1 and suffered a miscarriage and partial molar pregnancy, both of which she was able to support me throughout.  She fell pregnant with her DS1 just 6weeks before we had our first successful IVF so we both have sons the same age which is lovely.  While we have gone on to have DS2 naturally and have now fallen pregnant with this new bub, she has endured multiple miscarriages including a 20wk loss of their dear baby boy just days before I gave birth to our DS2 so we have encountered many sensitive situations with these friends where we've had to tread delicately.  She is still suffering the effects of these losses and I was fearful that my unexpected and second 'surprise' pregnancy might not go down very well...

So I emailed her also when I was about 6weeks to let her know.  Like the previous posters have said, email seemed to be a good idea as she had time to process it without having to 'act' pleased or hide her tears in person.  I just explained that I understand that they're going to feel some mixed emotions about our news but I wanted them to know as I believe it is far worse to be left in the dark.  I told her she was someone I'd want to share all my news with, good and bad, but I knew this particular news would be hard for her to process when they've been through what they've been through recently.  Having had miscarriages myself I just said I can relate to where you might be coming from if you're less than thrilled and I completely understand.

She was pleased for us but as I expected, completely devastated for themselves and their own situation.  She has since booked in to get some professional help so that she can start to deal with her own feelings so I'm hoping this is the start of bigger and better things for her.

Sorry for the epic post but I just wanted to let you know I relate to where you're coming from.  I think that so long as you tell them sensitively and with the understanding that they just might not be thrilled then I think you cant go wrong.  If your friendship suffers because of it, hopefully it's just a temporary thing and once they've had time to process it, they'll be there for you too.

#6 foodster

Posted 24 April 2012 - 06:58 PM

Hi Everyone,
I have been lurking for a few weeks now but Franno, I just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread.  I am 12 weeks this week and have been on both sides of the fence here.  I was also trying to figure out how to tell friends who have sufferred loss so this thread has been very helpful.

Thank you ladies!

Sal

#7 butterflyangels

Posted 24 April 2012 - 07:55 PM

Franno - have you let your friends know about your pregancy yet and how did they react.

If anyone else is a simliar situation please let these people know presonally by telling themin person  or text/email, i can't remember how many times i have been hurt finding out pregnancy news thorugh facebook.

And know this is still months away but when your baby is born let the person also know I have recently been hurt by my DS's best friends mum since all I asked of her was to text my once her little girl was born before it hit facebook, her daughter was born in Saturday and I am yet to hear from her sad.gif

Mandy




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Finding baby name inspiration in unusual places

Sometimes the greatest baby name ideas come from the most unexpected places, as these EB members show.

The case for inducing at 37 weeks

While we often think of pregnancy as a 40 week affair, experts agree that 37 weeks is actually “full term". So is there an argument for inducing all births at 37 weeks?

Does controlled crying really work?

Controlled-crying techniques may help some babies sleep through the night, but for many exhausted new parents, it's just a recipe for more tears all round.

How I taught my infant to use a toilet

As people become more aware of these benefits, I hope more parents will practice this method, so we can cut down on nappies and improve baby bonding.

'I thought it was impossible': Emily Symons pregnant at 45

Aussie actress Emily Symons has announced she is pregnant with her first baby.

Shallow water blackout kills fit, healthy dad

A little girl will grow up without her father after the fit and healthy 34-year-old passed away while doing something he had practised his whole life.

Afternoon naps may be bad for toddlers' sleep

You could be doing yourself a disservice by encouraging your toddler to have an afternoon nap, according to new research.

Best gifts for newborns, new mums and christenings

We've compiled a guide to some of the most popular presents for newborns and new mums, and for christenings and naming days.

Jaime King to be a mum again

Actress Jaime King is pregnant with her second child, giving 16-month-old James a sibling.

Nannies should receive government funding

The Abbott government should extend funding to nannies, and direct childcare payments to low and middle income families, a landmark study on childcare has found. 

Common skin irritations in newborns (and how to treat them)

As many as one in two newborn babies suffer from skin irritations in their first few weeks. So what are the most common rashes and irritations to look out for?

10 wall decals for the nursery or playroom

Wall decals are the answer to creating a beautiful nursery or children's space without lifting a paint brush, a spirit level or even a hammer.

Preschooler walks 2.4km home alone

Three-year-old Cain Trainor headed off home after his first day at a new preschool without telling anyone.

Video: Why mums get nothing done

In spite of being in an almost constant state of motion while looking after the kids and trying to keep things together at home, it can seem as though parents have managed to get nothing on the to-do list done by the end of the day.

The middle name game

The middle name is no longer an afterthought, and parents' inspiration comes from many places.

Have a baby or your money back - but there's a catch

A new IVF scheme offers couples the chance to fall pregnant and give birth - or get their money back. But there's more to it than you might think.

A rare glimpse inside the womb

A baby born still inside the amniotic sac gave US doctors a rare glimpse at life inside the womb.

Battered mum forced to write to her attacker ex in jail

Three years ago Jason Hughes viciously attacked his ex-partner. Now she has to write to him three times a year.

Woman pleads not guilty to ultrasound scam

A West Australian woman will fight allegations that she scammed expectant mums by selling them fake ultrasound pictures of babies.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Brain damaged mum receives compensation

A Sydney mother who suffered brain damage when she was hit by a car while pushing her newborn baby in a pram has reached a confidential out-of-court settlement with the driver's insurance company.

Indigenous midwives break down the barriers

A culturally sensitive midwifery service has gained the trust and respect of Aboriginal women.

The Katering Show's next big delivery

Most mums-to-be plan to take things easy and perhaps have a little break from work as the birth of their baby draws near. Not Kate McCartney.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

Why I have mixed feelings about Cindy Crawford's leaked photo

Last week an un-retouched photo of model Cindy Crawford surfaced, showing the 48-year-old mother-of -two posing in underwear.

How to create a Peppa Pig pancake

Thought your toddler could not love pancakes any more than they already do? How about if the breakfast treat came in the shape of every two-year-old's favourite cartoon character?

'It's a little life, not a little loss': pregnancy after miscarriage

I thought I was never going to be able to have a successful pregnancy. I decided that I wasn't going to form an emotional attachment with this baby.

Bonds Baby Search 2015: what you need to know

February 18 marks the start of one of the most prolific annual baby competitions in Australia: the Bonds Baby Search. And this year is going to be more special than ever.

Who will manage your Facebook account when you're gone?

This is not something that people like to talk about, but Facebook has announced that it will grant users more control over what happens to their pages after they die.

Struggling mum of four wins $188 million

Mother of four Marie Holmes was financially struggling after quitting her jobs at Walmart and McDonald's in order to care for her children.

Pregnant obese women a 'relatively new problem', coroner hears

A first-time mother whose daughter died hours after her frightening birth insists she was never told of the risks of being obese and pregnant.

'I'm angry as hell': the story behind mum's passionate vaccination plea

She has labelled parents who do not vaccinate their children "misinformed imbeciles" - and for that, she makes no apologies.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

8 different kinds of tantrums

I never thought I’d say this, but for a brief moment last week, Kim Kardashian and I had something in common: both our kids had public tantrums.

Polycystic ovary syndrome: symptoms, treatment and your fertility

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female hormonal condition, affecting roughly one in 12 Australian women.

What's the best position for giving birth?

If doing it on your back is out, what's the best position for labour and birth?

Wife forgives snake catcher husband for car surprise

With Valentine's Day coming up, Nat Gilbert could be forgiven for thinking her husband might be planning a surprise for her.

Kids who meet milestones at their own pace

We usually only hear the success stories: tales of the two-year-old who’s talking, running and completely toilet trained. But other stories need to be told too.

Ruby shines as Bonds Baby

Sarah Kiss has a word of advice for proud mums and dads who are keen to enter their babies in this year's Bonds Baby Search Competition - just have fun.

Why dads should go to sleep school

If your family needs to go to sleep school, go with them. You are part of that family and you are part of the solution.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Win a KitchenAid Mixer

Let's celebrate 300,000 fans on Facebook

To celebrate, and to thank our amazing fans, we?re giving away a KitchenAid Artisan Tilt-Head Stand Mixer.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.