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I hate myself and need advice to change


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#1 purpleppleater

Posted 13 April 2012 - 07:48 PM

I am going anon because i've established relationships with people on this site and don't want them to know how i really feel "on the inside".

I hate myself, disgust myself, despise myself. I look in the mirror and cry. I hate what i see so much. I would even go so far as to say i loathe myself and often think i'm a waste of space.

I weigh 103. Kilos. And this is the only place i've ever admitted "my number". How i hate that number, i hate that i have that number. Its disgusting, i'm so ashamed.

I don't know what to do. This is a "woe is me" type post but also a post for help. I need it, i can't bear to be me anymore. I can't be me anymore, i just can't do it.

Up until a few years ago i had a very healthy self image. I went to the gym, i've never ever been a svelte size 8 like many of my friends however i was active and healthy. I liked myself, i was happy and positive and nicknamed "smiley" by so many people.

Then i started putting on weight. I injured my leg and had to stop the gym for a while, i had a surprise pregnancy and put on weight. I went through a rocky period in my relationship and put on more weight as i ate to comfort myself. And then i looked in the mirror and realised how big i got, i saw a photo of myself and realised how disgusting i now look. I can't go back to the gym, well i can but i'm too embarrassed to show how disgusting i've become.

Its a cycle, look in the mirror and feel disgust, eat to comfort myself, look in the mirror, eat on and on and on.

Sexually I'd always been very in touch with my body, no inhibitions, very confident in the bedroom. And now i barely let DH touch me, and i never let him see me. I hate to look at myself - i don't want to subject him to looking at me. He says he loves me and thinks i'm sexy and beautiful - but i can't accept it. I just think "how can he be attracted to a big ball of fat."  

So much self loathing and negativity - previously i was never a woe-is-me person but i seem to be now! Just another thing to dislike about myself.

I want to go back to the "me" of before, i don't know how to get out of this head space though, or where to start trying to get rid of this weight. All i know is i'm disgusted in myself and its affecting every single aspect of my life.

Any advice anyone?

#2 Kazz33

Posted 13 April 2012 - 08:04 PM

For starters you are more than that number! Don't let that number control you. It is just a number, why does it get to dictate how you will feel & what you will eat on any particular day? Put the scales away. Focus on eating well & going for a walk out in the fresh air. Don't try & be skinny, try & be healthy, your weight will most likely take care of itself.

I can completely relate to what you are saying though, i could have written that post myself. I guess you just have to keep trying everyday. You don't have to be perfect everyday, just try & be better than you were yesterday. Starting tomorrow, i am going to put $1 in a jar for everyday that i don't have chocolate & do some exercise. Once the $'s add up i will treat myself to a massage, facial or whatever. Maybe try that. Set yourself a goal & reward yourself with non food items.

#3 missylou

Posted 13 April 2012 - 08:29 PM

I cannot recommend Michelle Bridges 12wbt highly enough.  It is a complete program of nutrition and exercise, but most importantly, so much support and good advice, both from Michelle via her twice weekly videos, and the forums.  The first four weeks (pre-season) are all about getting your head in the right place and setting goals etc.  Michelle knows everything you need to know about motivation and nutrition, and her system really does work.  She sends you an eating plan, recipes and shopping list each week, along with exercise plans.  The food is healthy, delicious and easy to prepare.

It costs $200 to join the program. and another will be starting soon.  Go to www.12wbt.com.au for more details.  Literally thousands of people are doing/have done the program and it is fantastic.  You don't have to use a gym for her exercise program by the way - you can if you choose to, but she has a selection of exercise programs and you do what works for you.

Your feelings are not yours alone, I promise you.  Lots of people have been exactly there and understand precisely what you have been saying.  But it can change!  I've done it.

I really do sympathise and understand how you feel.  But you want to do something about it and that is the most important first step.  You can do it! Best of luck.

#4 Triple treat

Posted 13 April 2012 - 08:50 PM

Perfect timing!
We've just started a new 10 week challenge where we're going to support each other in our attempts to lose a little weight and follow a healthier lifestyle. Look in the diet and health section to find us.
There are lots of us who've been in your position and know how you feel. At the moment it must seem overwhelming. I think the key is to 'aim small' which is better in the long run. Perhaps your first goal should be to get under 100 kg, then have 5 kg goals. Reward each achievement with something for you: a manicure, even just some time away for yourself.
I have just finished the 1 Million Kilo Challenge and it's an absolute eye opener as to the quantities of vegetables you need to eat to lose weight! Next week weighitup.com.au starts an 8 week challenge with meal plans, recipes and exercises you can do at home.
Don't wait around for motivation to come as it may never arrive...just do it!
Hope to see you in our challenge thread soon!

#5 Supernova2012

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:03 PM

I agree with everything triple treat said and  you are very welcome in the 10 week challenge. Everyone is doing their own thing, so you need to decide what exercise and healthy eating you will do to get things started, but you may get some ideas and support. Please feel free to join us!



#6 *lalah*

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:07 PM

Nothing has helped me like the Dalai Lamas books have. If you only hate your weight, then you can change that through diet and lifestyle. But if you hate YOURSELF, you need to go deeper.

Good luck!

#7 ~Flick~

Posted 14 April 2012 - 10:41 AM

QUOTE (*lalah* @ 13/04/2012, 09:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Nothing has helped me like the Dalai Lamas books have. If you only hate your weight, then you can change that through diet and lifestyle. But if you hate YOURSELF, you need to go deeper.

Good luck!

Absolutely this. No program, eating plan, diet, exercise routine will ever change the feeling of hating yourself. That is something you have to work on on the inside. And until you work on the inside, you won't be able to change the outside.

#8 ninaswalk

Posted 14 April 2012 - 10:47 AM

I recommend watching "Hungry For Change".  If you google it it should come up.  I know exactly where you are and after watching this had a real aha moment.  It's not so much about losing weight (although it is an added side effect) but about being healthy in your body and mind.  Good luck.


#9 Black Lion

Posted 14 April 2012 - 11:13 AM

Hi Purpleppleater

I too am in that space- self disgust and like everything that was once nice/attractive or appealing about my body has gone, and with it any bit of self confidence I had.

I also have a similar story- I hurt my back, and relationship difficulties also contributed to my lack of motivation/depression. It is hard to start exercising again but you did it before and you can do it again, just start small (I've never been inside a gym - I'm terrified and ashamed to be around all those fit people).

At easter my SIL gave me a photo of myself from Xmas time- taken from behind and from across the room so the full body pic that I have avoided for years- I absolutely hated it! It was torn up and thrown in the bin as soon as I got home. That night I woke up to find that I was crying in my sleep- as much as I was able to distract myself during the day and while I was awake, the feelings came out in my sleep!

I stepped on the scales on Monday and realised I was 100.3kg. I absolutely hate that number and I hate myself that I let me get to this!

Since then, I have started a diet program, and have lost a few kg - I am starting to feel a bit more like the old me, and the fact that it is working has given me incentive to keep going.

The other thing I am doing it trying to take more care of 'me' as a whole- making sure I get up a bit earlier and taking time to do my hair and make up, wearing only the clothes I feel good in (even if I have to wash them and dry overnight)- adding some jewellery to my outfit so that I atleast 'feel' like I look a bit nicer.

In my actions, I am really trying to be positive and 'act' happy- hoping if I practice enough I'll start to feel it! Also reminding myself that am not really this person that I see in the mirror- there is more to me than that.

Starting small is the key- but you also need support. The 10 week challenge sounds good- I think I'll go join now myself.

You are not alone, and it is not impossible... it wont be easy to get back to the real you, but there are many of us in that space and we can do it!!

BL

#10 claptrap

Posted 14 April 2012 - 11:24 AM

Hi OP,

I could not agree more strongly with Flick's post.

Here's a thought for you:  if a dear friend confessed to you that she felt like this, how would you react?  Chances are you'd be caring and supportive.  You would be so sad to think that you friend felt so bad.  You might urge her to take care of herself, not to be so hard on herself.  You'd give her a big hug.

You need to learn to be that friend for yourself.  You need to learn to believe that you are worth taking care of.  Until you get to that point, all the quick fixes and diets and exercise programmes in the world won't help - at least not permanently.

There are so many books that explore this way of thinking.  One I have found useful is "If not dieting, then what?" by Dr Rick Kausman (who is based in Melb).  It contains a quote from Kaz Cooke that I'll leave you with, in the hope that it will make you smile through the tears:

"You are not your buttocks".

Best wishes to you in your journey.  Feel free to visit us in the Lots to Lose group too, if you wish.

#11 Alacritous~Andy

Posted 14 April 2012 - 11:24 AM

There is also a "lots to lose" support thread on here which is great.  

Other fantastic resources:
Www.calorieking.com.au - free and HEAPS of info, as well as calorie counting software.

My favourite book at the moment is called "The Reality Slap" by Russ Harris.  It is not a weightloss book, but is a book about how to change your thinking when life slaps you in the face.  Highly recommend it.  

I was where you are a few years ago.  I weighed 102 kgs.  I got down to 80kg, then got pregnant, and injured myself during the birth, and suffered a subsequent back injury, and last year found myself back at 106kg.  Between Sept and Feb, I lost 20kg, and then fell pregnant again.  My current goal is not to make the same mistakes this time around, and to have a happy and healthy pregancy.  

Losing the weight first time around, I found the CSIRO diet books really simple and straight forward way of learning about portion control.  

bbighug.gif as PPs have said, this is as much a battle of the head and heart as it is the stomach.  Good luck.  Keep reaching out, there is plenty of support.

#12 tres

Posted 14 April 2012 - 11:34 AM

If you were a friend of mine and you told me the way you're thinking I'd be completely able to understand as I've felt that way about myself in the past. Lots of people have and we become bery good at covering up or expressing it in other ways. So you're not alone in feeling all that.

Self loathing so deep that you're damaging yourself physically needs more than a Michelle Bridges thingy, calorie king etc (although they're great and something to think about).

If you have a good GP I would consider making a long appointment with them to discuss a mental health plan and seek out a referral for a psychotherapist. Cognitive behavioural therapy can really help. And I think it's the best place to start. It will give you a point from which to move forward.

All the best.

#13 LoveMy3Kids

Posted 14 April 2012 - 11:57 AM

There is a lady I've been watching on Youtube who makes so much sense about why people put on weight and why diets don't work. It's fascinating stuff.

Her name is Zoe Harcombe and she's a nutritionist who has spent years looking at the flaws in our current nutrition recommendations and the lack of science behind them. She also explains the 3 medical conditions that most people who have ever dieted or needing to diet will have at least one of, and how they are responsible for the insatiable cravings we mistake for weakness.

I have just read her book "The Harcombe Diet" and eat the way she recommends. It is certainly not a diet as we know of and I feel better than I've ever felt. I was a complete sugar and carb addict and I now rarely eat anything sweet or processed as I just don't want it. There is absolutely no willpower involved if you can get through the first 5 days. Your reward for getting through those first 5 days will be a big weight loss, so certainly a great reward for succeeding!

Just watch this video below as a bit of an intro. She's got everything you need to know in youtube videos but also has a website, a forum and books if you want to read them (not essential although I plan on buying her recipe book). I really believe she's doing this for the love of it, not to make squillions.

Start with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5CeeawiW7Q

I wish you well with whatever you decide to do and please stop beating yourself up as THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

#14 FeralMinx

Posted 14 April 2012 - 12:05 PM

QUOTE
I cannot recommend Michelle Bridges 12wbt highly enough.
+1 (from watching an eb friend morph)

and
QUOTE
If you only hate your weight, then you can change that through diet and lifestyle. But if you hate YOURSELF, you need to go deeper.
+1 also



#15 LellyBelly

Posted 14 April 2012 - 12:07 PM

Hi Purpleppleater

I read your post, and I can relate to everything you've said.  I was in the same place as you, I didn't like myself, I wasn't happy with myself, and then when we started our IVF journey we were told that extra weight is like contraception.  I was too lazy to change my diet (well much) as we'd already cut out everything that we liked!

I wanted my old self back.

This is what I did.  I went to the gym, I looked around, there were fat people everywhere!  (I'd never been so pleased) I fit right in!! biggrin.gif
I booked on with a personal trainer, he set up a training schedule and I made time for myself to get there.  I also monitored my weight each week.  Every Sunday I weighed myself.  Every week I was loosing 500g I was thinking bummer, it's not enough! But in a month, that was 2kg, in three months that was 6kg!  Even having lost only a little bit, I regained my confidence, my sex life got better because I was less embarrassed about myself.  Having room in my jeans was nice too!

The thing is, I didn't think my measly trips to the gym would make a difference, but they did. I was so sore the first few times I wasn't sure if I could continue, but I did.  And every loss made it worth it.  Not only that, when I found that the exercises were getting easier and I could lift heavier weights, I felt better.  I did it by myself, at my pace, and I could be anonymous in the gym.  I did try the classes, but found I didn't fit in. The stairmaster, the running machine and the weights are now my friends!

It just takes one step.

You CAN do it.

It will take time, but the weight WILL drop off.

You WILL feel better.

Make today the day you make a change for you.

xx

Edited by LellyBelly, 14 April 2012 - 12:08 PM.


#16 Rosepickles

Posted 14 April 2012 - 01:26 PM

Hi OP, your post is very sad and it is a place i have been before.
There have been some wonderful suggestions and great advice from previous posters, i hope you can find some comfort knowing you are not alone and some guidance.
I just wanted to add what i had recently done. I am forever trying to lose weight and this time i am getting there. I will tell you about the last 5 kgs because this may be helpful. I had failed for months to make a move on the scales due to i think self sabotage. Anyway i decided i wasnt going to do anything else except log everything i ate into myfitnesspal every single day for two months. No matter what i ate or did, i entered everything. That was my only goal. I slowly made changes as i saw what was and wasnt going to help me lose weight. It took a while but i lost over 3kgs. Doesnt sound like much, but the fact that i did what i planned was a great achievement and the weightloss was a bonus.
So in a long winded way, i guess im trying to say, set one or two small goals or changes you can make. Actually achieving something will helpnyour confidence and your opinion of yourself.
Wishing you all the best

#17 ~Flick~

Posted 14 April 2012 - 05:14 PM

QUOTE (purpleppleater @ 13/04/2012, 07:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I hate myself, disgust myself, despise myself. I look in the mirror and cry. I hate what i see so much. I would even go so far as to say i loathe myself and often think i'm a waste of space.

I am going to start off by saying that these thoughts and beliefs about yourself are the first things that have to change. This is what you have to work on changing before anything else. As long as you feel this way about yourself, the longer you are going to try to prove all these thoughts to yourself as fact. In other words, you will always take the action to prove to yourself you are what you think.
You have to accept yourself before you can make any changes. Accepting yourself doesn't mean there is no room for change or improvement, but if you do not accept yourself, you will not have the ability to make those changes. Start on the inside, not the outside.
Who wants to help somebody you think is a disgusting, fat, loathesome waste of space?? Think about it!

QUOTE
I weigh 103. Kilos. And this is the only place i've ever admitted "my number". How i hate that number, i hate that i have that number. Its disgusting, i'm so ashamed.

What you must remember is that it is only a number. It is not who you are. A number doesn't measure your personality, your love, you ability to love, your smile, your career, your marriage, your relationships, your giving, your humour, your laughter, your talents, your cooking....your EVERYTHING! Does it?
You are not a number on the scale!

QUOTE
Up until a few years ago i had a very healthy self image. I went to the gym, i've never ever been a svelte size 8 like many of my friends however i was active and healthy. I liked myself, i was happy and positive and nicknamed "smiley" by so many people.

So you've done it before! That means you can do it again!

QUOTE
I went through a rocky period in my relationship and put on more weight as i ate to comfort myself.

That is something you need help with. Comfort eating is simply a case of not being able to deal with your own feelings or emotions. But as I always say, a feeling or emotion is only that - a feeling or emotion.
If you comfort ate with the rocky period, I would think that you often use food for comfort, so it's not just this one instance?

QUOTE
Its a cycle, look in the mirror and feel disgust, eat to comfort myself, look in the mirror, eat on and on and on.

Just about every overweight problem is about being on a "cycle." What you have to do is to get off that cycle. You can. But it has to start with awareness and working out what's going on in your head first --not what you are eating--that comes later! One step at a time. Head space is the first step. How else are you going to implement any new habits if you haven't got your head in the right place first?

Sorry if I've been a bit blunt  wink.gif

Edited by ~Flick~, 14 April 2012 - 05:32 PM.


#18 purpleppleater

Posted 15 April 2012 - 06:49 PM

Thank you so much everyone for your responses. I've been googling everything that was suggested here, and have popped into some of the other threads suggested and think i will join in there too. Seems like something i can benefit from.

I agree completely that i need to change my thinking, i need to get out of this headspace and have a "can do" attitude (so corny, but true!). I don't want to wallow in this self pity any more, i want to change it. And yes i have a DD - i didn't think of it before but i do not want to pass on self image issues to her!

Flick, not blunt at all! Truthful, and thats exactly what i need, some home truths, so thank you.

Today i went and purchased a new pair of gym shoes, and a work out dvd (not ready for the gym just yet!). I unearthed some hand weights and an aerobic step i had from "before". And, rightly or wrongly, i threw out the scales. Its just too tempting to step on the scales and wallow in self pity and cry when i see "that number". So i took my measurements instead, maybe i can weigh myself occassionally somewhere else instead and hopefully not focus on the number so much. Hopefully.

Thank you all for the advice. I appreciate it, and wish all those who are doing this themselves much success.

#19 Bubble11

Posted 16 April 2012 - 09:07 AM

I've been in that place where I hate myself, and don't think I'm worth helping.  It might be a cliché but the thing that finally got me out of it was therapy.  Cognitive Behavioural Therapy as a pp mentioned, and I found it fantastic cause it helps me deal with my emotions instead of burying them in food and also helps me recognise and change my thinking patterns - eating in self pity and anger and sadness and happiness too.  Any excuse for me.  It really did help and you can get a mental health plan for 6 medicare paid sessions through your GP, though I was too embarrassed to tell the GP I'd been going to for the last decade how I was feeling and found a thing through my local uni who have psychology degrees and the students going for their masters (so already qualified) do cheap sessions ($20) as part of their masters study.  I'm still working on getting back to me, but it really helped pull me out of that hole when nothing else, including a loving partner and family support couldn't.  

If you don't feel up to that for a start when you get into those negative thoughts start telling yourself their wrong.  If you can't love yourself right now start from other people's love.  You said your DH loves you just as you are, so when you start thinking I'm a waste of space tell yourself that 'x who is an amazing man loves me so I must be a worthwhile person' (part of what I did).  And tell yourself 'x thinks I'm sexy and beautiful.  I want to be a healthier weight but I know I'm worthwhile and amazing just the way I am', because you are.  And it might seem corny and simplistic, but part of changing your thinking is telling yourself the right stuff over and over, the other ideas are so deeply implanted that you need to bludgeon them with the truth to get them to give up and go away.  

Weight does not define you, it doesn't make you a better or worse person, losing weight doesn't make you a better person, a better mum, a better partner.  It just makes you healthier.  You can't change till you accept yourself, and accept that you are a person whose worthy of change.  It's something I really struggled with, I lost weight several times and then something would happen and I crumble and put it back on, because I wasn't ready to help myself and hadn't dealt with the whole emotional eating thing.  There's also some good books out their, though personally I found actually working with a person much better than a book, not cause books can't do the same stuff but because it made me stick with it.  

I also find I can't lose weight unless I count every calorie (calorie king or myfitnesspal are great for this and free).  It keeps me honest about what I really eat.  I also use a smaller dinner plate and bowl - I bought a whole stack of them about 2/3 of the size of a dinner plate.  When you fill up your plate the brain just sees a full plate, not a small full plate and thinks your eating a big meal, I was dubious about this at first but it does help.

Also another good thing to do when you reach for food between meals or go back for seconds or pile your large plate really high (any overeating behaviour pretty much) is ask yourself am I really feeling hunger or am I feeling emotional.  When you've been comfort eating (or emotional eating) for a while your brain can actually respond to emotion by feeling hungry, so you need to pause and work out if your really hungry or upset/angry/happy and than work through the emotion instead of eating it.  I still struggle with this, but I've been gaining ground, when I get really down I dont' eat anywhere near as much as I used too, and in the very bad weeks I often stay stable or only gain a few hundred grams (before it could be a couple of kilos).  I have a motivational picture on the fridge, and each week I eat healthy at least 80% of the week I reward myself with something little (for me it's books), whether I've lost weight or not, because it's about doing better and being healthy.  Also I tell myself when things are hard that I've done this before so I know I can do it, and that I just need to get through 1 day at a time.    

Find what works for you and just do it.  If you have bad days tell yourself that's okay, today wasn't great but overall I've really achieved and I'm going to keep going.  Just keep making healthier choices and it will work.   Good luck.




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Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.