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Do you think you can overcare and be overley nice?

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#1 citylife

Posted 13 April 2012 - 07:37 PM

Have a friend, who lives overseas.
Have been there for this friend through good times and bad times. More so bad times when they have gone through a real low and dark patch in their life. At one stage friend tells me they tried to take theor own life so I was texting each day sometimes twice a day asking how they were, here if they need to talk etc, anyway friend got over that patch and moved on and doing really well.

I have a real gripe with people in general who don't make the effort back that I make. What I mean by that is I always seem to be the one calling, texting, emailing etc and sometimes wait for days for a reply sometimes never get a reply.

Anyway this friend I email to see how they are, ask what they have been up to, no reply, wait a few days no reply, text, get a short one back but at least its a response.

So this friend texts me on Tuesday and says I have been quiet over Easter is it to get back at them for their bad/lack of communication

Of course I told them that that was a stupid comment to make
Its annoys me that I am expected to be the first to act and then when I don't that I look like the bad guy.

I get a text from this friend this morning saying they got a new job, don't know where/didn't know they were applyiong for a job, I simply wrote back congrats look forward to hearing about it  as international texts are expensive no doubt they think something is wrong as I didn't go overboard and say "oh how wonderful, so happy for you blah blah

so do you thionk you can be too caring and then it works out badly for you as it is always expected?

YOure dammned if you do and dammed if you don't. You overcare and it is not recpiocated, you undercare or care less and you get accused for doing so


FWIW Had another friend who I tried and arranged a playdate with for our kids, they cancelled as their child was sick, asked when they were free again no response, tried again no response so I now don't bother

#2 FeralMinx

Posted 14 April 2012 - 12:00 PM

Yea its definitely possible to over care and to become the 'carer' in relationships.  

I don't know what the answer is as to how to correct it.  I do know if my friends become non-communicado I don't get bothered by it, at all.  I just assume their lives have got real lol, as happens to us all.  And I let it all slide by, and sure enough down the track we reconnect and all is well.

I guess I don't need the reliable reciprocity.  I think I realised many years ago that friends can adore each other but still they have their own sh*t to deal with and I have to find strategies to not need that support and to value it as a precious bonus when its there.

#3 LynnyP

Posted 14 April 2012 - 12:27 PM

If you are expecting to get as much back as you give, then you are not overnice or overcaring, you have expectations that you will benefit equally from the relationship.

Not that this is bad, it just doesn't make you Mother Theresa, just a fairly normal person.

#4 Fr0g

Posted 14 April 2012 - 12:37 PM

My thoughts echo JustLynn's.

If you lose the expectation that others will demonstrate the same care-factor as you do, you'll be constantly disappointed.

Just communicate when you want, with whomever you want. If you enjoy the catch-ups even if you're the one always organizing them, there should be no problem.

#5 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 14 April 2012 - 01:16 PM

we just had an aunty staying who did EVERYTHING around the house, to the point of serving your food and bringing over drinks.
way too smothering, though i know she means well!

#6 Majeix

Posted 14 April 2012 - 01:41 PM

QUOTE (JustLynn @ 14/04/2012, 12:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If you are expecting to get as much back as you give, then you are not overnice or overcaring, you have expectations that you will benefit equally from the relationship.

Not that this is bad, it just doesn't make you Mother Theresa, just a fairly normal person.

    This. However you may very well be setting yourself up for disapointment/or putting to much pressure on the other person if you expect to much even if it is equal to what you are putting in. This could be the result of you putting in so much time/effot whatever that it is beyond or unreasonable to expect the other person to invest the same amount or even just at a different stage of your life. The real question is do you get enough out of the friendship to make it worthwhile even if at times/or always you seem to spend more time or effort. Or are you putting in to much effort/time making it hard or even unnecessary for the other peron to particpate as much. I mean I am a SAHM/student while I am busy I have more chance of being able to make a phonecall or email during the day then my friend who is in the classroom all day.

My best friend has been very busy for the last two years (and to a lesser degree before that). It was easier when we were at uni together lol. First going her dip ed and now teaching full time. I know I will jsut about never see her, that she will rarely if ever return phone calls and often she will imply she will come to things and then be unable too. Sometimes this hurts my feelings particuarly when I know she finds time for others things and I feel that I am low down on her list. However she is my best friend. I want to continue the relationship, and I get something out of being friends with her even if at the moment she isn't able/chooses not too put much effort into the friendship. I know that if I call her (even though she hasnt'called me for ages/returned my calls) and I happen to get her/shes not running out the door I will get to talk to her, hear about her life/tell her about mine and that catch up is more important to me then the fact that she hasn't made any effort for awhile. I also know that if I got busy or needed space from people for a reason (which has happned before) she would make an effort to understand even if it hurt her feelings.

Edited by Majeix, 14 April 2012 - 01:43 PM.

#7 charliebean

Posted 14 April 2012 - 02:52 PM

OP I know how you feel one of my 'best' friends does this to me all the time. I always get sucked into helping/being there/consoling her and then when I need the same she flakes on me. It is really hurtful.

The only thing I see that I can do is step back and stop putting so much effort in so I am not getting disappointed all the time.

#8 sarkazm76

Posted 14 April 2012 - 03:01 PM

Absolutely.  When I was pregnant (and it was not an easy one) my BFF didn't show much interest at all.  We do live in different cities so I didn't think too much of it but even when I emailed her with news/ updates I got little to no response.  She did come visit me once while in this city and was cooing over me like it was soooo exciting though.  So when she was pregnant a few months after I delivered I tried HEAPS to be in contact with her a lot more.  I felt like if she had had her baby first I would have greatly appreciated her advice and input for me so as I was first I would offer the same (no I was not ramming things down her throat).  Again I had little to no response most times.
  After she had  the baby I flew down to see her for 2 days (leaving my own 10 month old at home) and while there she was complaining about another friend who she makes so much effort with who never gets back to her.  It was all I could do to stand there and not let my mouth fall open in shock.
  Mostly I just end up with hurt feelings and pulling away totally.

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