Jump to content

Do you think you can overcare and be overley nice?


  • Please log in to reply
7 replies to this topic

#1 citylife

Posted 13 April 2012 - 07:37 PM

OK
Have a friend, who lives overseas.
Have been there for this friend through good times and bad times. More so bad times when they have gone through a real low and dark patch in their life. At one stage friend tells me they tried to take theor own life so I was texting each day sometimes twice a day asking how they were, here if they need to talk etc, anyway friend got over that patch and moved on and doing really well.

I have a real gripe with people in general who don't make the effort back that I make. What I mean by that is I always seem to be the one calling, texting, emailing etc and sometimes wait for days for a reply sometimes never get a reply.

Anyway this friend I email to see how they are, ask what they have been up to, no reply, wait a few days no reply, text, get a short one back but at least its a response.

So this friend texts me on Tuesday and says I have been quiet over Easter is it to get back at them for their bad/lack of communication

Of course I told them that that was a stupid comment to make
Its annoys me that I am expected to be the first to act and then when I don't that I look like the bad guy.

I get a text from this friend this morning saying they got a new job, don't know where/didn't know they were applyiong for a job, I simply wrote back congrats look forward to hearing about it  as international texts are expensive no doubt they think something is wrong as I didn't go overboard and say "oh how wonderful, so happy for you blah blah

so do you thionk you can be too caring and then it works out badly for you as it is always expected?

YOure dammned if you do and dammed if you don't. You overcare and it is not recpiocated, you undercare or care less and you get accused for doing so



thoughts?????????????????????

FWIW Had another friend who I tried and arranged a playdate with for our kids, they cancelled as their child was sick, asked when they were free again no response, tried again no response so I now don't bother

#2 FeralMinx

Posted 14 April 2012 - 12:00 PM

Yea its definitely possible to over care and to become the 'carer' in relationships.  

I don't know what the answer is as to how to correct it.  I do know if my friends become non-communicado I don't get bothered by it, at all.  I just assume their lives have got real lol, as happens to us all.  And I let it all slide by, and sure enough down the track we reconnect and all is well.

I guess I don't need the reliable reciprocity.  I think I realised many years ago that friends can adore each other but still they have their own sh*t to deal with and I have to find strategies to not need that support and to value it as a precious bonus when its there.

#3 LynnyP

Posted 14 April 2012 - 12:27 PM

If you are expecting to get as much back as you give, then you are not overnice or overcaring, you have expectations that you will benefit equally from the relationship.

Not that this is bad, it just doesn't make you Mother Theresa, just a fairly normal person.

#4 Fr0g

Posted 14 April 2012 - 12:37 PM

My thoughts echo JustLynn's.

If you lose the expectation that others will demonstrate the same care-factor as you do, you'll be constantly disappointed.

Just communicate when you want, with whomever you want. If you enjoy the catch-ups even if you're the one always organizing them, there should be no problem.



#5 Feralishous

Posted 14 April 2012 - 01:16 PM

definitely!
we just had an aunty staying who did EVERYTHING around the house, to the point of serving your food and bringing over drinks.
way too smothering, though i know she means well!


#6 Majeix

Posted 14 April 2012 - 01:41 PM

QUOTE (JustLynn @ 14/04/2012, 12:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If you are expecting to get as much back as you give, then you are not overnice or overcaring, you have expectations that you will benefit equally from the relationship.

Not that this is bad, it just doesn't make you Mother Theresa, just a fairly normal person.



    This. However you may very well be setting yourself up for disapointment/or putting to much pressure on the other person if you expect to much even if it is equal to what you are putting in. This could be the result of you putting in so much time/effot whatever that it is beyond or unreasonable to expect the other person to invest the same amount or even just at a different stage of your life. The real question is do you get enough out of the friendship to make it worthwhile even if at times/or always you seem to spend more time or effort. Or are you putting in to much effort/time making it hard or even unnecessary for the other peron to particpate as much. I mean I am a SAHM/student while I am busy I have more chance of being able to make a phonecall or email during the day then my friend who is in the classroom all day.

My best friend has been very busy for the last two years (and to a lesser degree before that). It was easier when we were at uni together lol. First going her dip ed and now teaching full time. I know I will jsut about never see her, that she will rarely if ever return phone calls and often she will imply she will come to things and then be unable too. Sometimes this hurts my feelings particuarly when I know she finds time for others things and I feel that I am low down on her list. However she is my best friend. I want to continue the relationship, and I get something out of being friends with her even if at the moment she isn't able/chooses not too put much effort into the friendship. I know that if I call her (even though she hasnt'called me for ages/returned my calls) and I happen to get her/shes not running out the door I will get to talk to her, hear about her life/tell her about mine and that catch up is more important to me then the fact that she hasn't made any effort for awhile. I also know that if I got busy or needed space from people for a reason (which has happned before) she would make an effort to understand even if it hurt her feelings.

Edited by Majeix, 14 April 2012 - 01:43 PM.


#7 charliebean

Posted 14 April 2012 - 02:52 PM

OP I know how you feel one of my 'best' friends does this to me all the time. I always get sucked into helping/being there/consoling her and then when I need the same she flakes on me. It is really hurtful.

The only thing I see that I can do is step back and stop putting so much effort in so I am not getting disappointed all the time.

#8 sarkazm76

Posted 14 April 2012 - 03:01 PM

Absolutely.  When I was pregnant (and it was not an easy one) my BFF didn't show much interest at all.  We do live in different cities so I didn't think too much of it but even when I emailed her with news/ updates I got little to no response.  She did come visit me once while in this city and was cooing over me like it was soooo exciting though.  So when she was pregnant a few months after I delivered I tried HEAPS to be in contact with her a lot more.  I felt like if she had had her baby first I would have greatly appreciated her advice and input for me so as I was first I would offer the same (no I was not ramming things down her throat).  Again I had little to no response most times.
  After she had  the baby I flew down to see her for 2 days (leaving my own 10 month old at home) and while there she was complaining about another friend who she makes so much effort with who never gets back to her.  It was all I could do to stand there and not let my mouth fall open in shock.
  Mostly I just end up with hurt feelings and pulling away totally.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

A mum's tragic battle against inflammatory breast cancer

At just 37 years of age, with two young sons, Vicki was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer. Now her family wants all women to know the symptoms.

The business of babies around the world

Pregnancy and birth is an intriguing process no matter where you are in the world. One soon-to-be father gleans wisdom from a new guide.

Finding a positive path through IVF

It’s not surprising that IVF is often seen as a negative journey towards the ultimate positive, but having a glass-half-full approach can make a big difference to the experience.

Giving strangers the gift of parenthood

A mum explains why she and her husband are choosing to gift their leftover embryos to help strangers achieve their dream of parenthood.

Does morning sickness get better or worse with each child?

Just as every baby is unique, so is every pregnancy. And that means morning sickness can vary a lot, too.

What's so wrong with looking 'mumsy', anyway?

Why is it that the word ‘mumsy’ has connotations of such a negative nature – but seems to be the only other option apart from ‘yummy’?

Trying to speed up the inevitable

As the waiting game of late pregnancy continues, this mum considers a few things that might hurry things up a little.

One month later: where is William Tyrell?

It has been a little over a month since William Tyrell disappeared from his grandmother's home, 33 long sleepless nights for his family as they mourn the absence of their cheeky young boy.

Winter's child less likely to be moody: study

Babies born in the summer are much more likely to suffer from mood swings when they grow up, while those born in the winter are less likely to become irritable adults, scientists claim.

Single mum of two creates award-winning baby app

Suddenly single with a baby and an 11-year-old son, Tara O?Connell developed an app to improve the lives of mothers who were similarly overwhelmed.

Food for thought: looking after yourself as a new mum

As soon as your baby enters the world, everything else takes a back seat - even the necessities of daily life such as eating are severely compromised, right when you need energy the most.

'Grabbable guts' campaign aims to cut toxic fat

The Live Lighter campaign will take people inside the human body to show the internal dangers of being overweight.

The best and worst month of my life

A new mum's first month of motherhood didn't pan out as expected when she lost a family member weeks after her baby's birth.

Facebook and Apple offer to pay female staff to freeze their eggs

Facebook and Apple are hoping to provide women with the freedom to build their careers without the added pressure of having children at or by a certain age.

How a pregnancy contract could work for you and your partner

The idea of making a 'pregnancy contract' with your partner may sound a bit silly at first, but it can help make the transition to parenthood a lot smoother.

Finding a mum-friendly personal trainer

Burping babies vs burpees – yes, new mums and personal trainers live in different worlds. But they can work together - once you find the right match for you and your lifestyle.

Alleged baby snatch incident a ?misunderstanding?, say police

Police say that an incident in which a man pulled on a woman?s pram while walking a popular Sydney route late last month was a misunderstanding.

Ebola killed my aunt and is shutting down my country

Three weeks ago, my auntie, a midwife, developed a fever. Sitting here in Sydney basked in Australian sunshine, that shouldn't be big news.

The night my ovary burst

One mum shares her frightening experience and vows to never take her health for granted again.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win 1 of 5 Canon Powershot D30 cameras

Capture life more easily with the Canon Powershot D30. Shockproof, waterproof and dustproof, you can take it almost anywhere and shoot beautiful images, time after time. Enter now!

16 parenting truths you won't find in the baby books

I am five years into this parenting gig and I’ve learnt that sleepless nights and changing dirty nappies are child’s play.

Best and worst potty party cakes

It's nice to celebrate a child making the shift from nappies to 'big kid' undies, but do we really need a semi-realistic used toilet cake to do it? Here are some of the best and worst cakes parents have used at 'potty parties' around the world.

7 tips for a financially festive Christmas

Plan ahead - and do it now - to ensure festive season expenses don't break the bank.

'Go the F*** to Sleep' author's new book for frustrated parents

A sequel is coming soon to the 2011 hit book 'Go the F*** to Sleep' - and this time, it's about mealtimes.

Great birthday party buys from Etsy

Handmade crafts to decorate and personalise your child's next birthday - from banners to cake decorations, we've got gorgeous party finds from Etsy.

Creative storage ideas for the kids' rooms

Creative and practical storage ideas for the kids' toys and books can also add some stylish decor to your home. Visit babyology.com.au for more stylish modern finds for hip kids & parents.

The 'yucky' illness that took over my life

I have a chronic illness nobody likes to discuss, as it involves toilet talk. But it needs to be talked about.

To the mum in the doctor's waiting room

Maybe the mum I saw in that waiting room, seemingly disconnected from her baby, doesn’t have the support she needs.

10 space-saving nursery ideas

Starting a family doesn't always mean moving into a bigger house - not yet, anyway.

 

What's in a name?

Baby Names

Looking for a classic name, or an unusual name? Our Baby Name Finder is for you, search or browse to refine your shortlist.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.