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My life has no purpose anymore


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#1 Chezmlka

Posted 13 April 2012 - 03:58 PM

[/size]I feel like my life has no purpose or direction anymore. Ifeel like I am here only to raise my children. I chose to be a SAHM so I doníthave a job anymore. I donít regret my decision to be a SAHM though, I do loveit. I donít have any real friends and I donít have a social life. I donít goout to do anything by myself anymore. I feel like I have lost all of myindependence. I feel like since I have had kids I am totally dependent on myhusband. I used to be so independent. I used to go out shopping by myself orcatch the train into the city but I donít do any of that by myself anymore. Drivingnever used to bother me either but over the years I have lost a lot of myconfidence to drive and now I hardly drive anywhere. I drive the kids to schooland kinder and thatís about it. I know I can do it but I just donít have theconfidence anymore. I also have anxiety which doesnít help. I think the mainreason I donít go out anymore is because we donít have the money for me to goout. At the moment the only thing I could do to go out is grocery shopping andI hate grocery shopping. Iíd really love to have some money of my own that Icould go out and spend so that when I donít want to be at home by myself I cango to the shops and buy myself, my husband or my kids something nice. It alsobothers me that I am not financially contributing to the household. Sometimes Isit and wonder exactly what I will do once all the kids are in school. I haveno real career experience. I did work before I had the kids but not in anindustry I would want to return to. A few years ago I did a Bookkeeping Certificateat TAFE but I havenít done anything with it. I have also been looking at doinga Degree through Open Universities so that I at least have a qualification undermy belt for when I want to return to work. I donít know whether to do thedegree or not. For a start, I would need to travel half way to the city to sitthe exams which bothers me because of my driving worries. And I also wonder ifI will be too old to get a job in my chosen field by the time Iíve finished thedegree (Iím 31 now). I have four kids that I adore. They are 7, 6, 4 and 2years old. Iím having trouble disciplining the eldest two. Whenever I tell themnot to do something they do it anyway and when I tell them to do something likepick up their toys they donít do it. It makes me feel like they think Iím notworth listening to. Something in my life needs to change, Iím just not surewhat or how to do it. I just think that if I had a purpose in life I probablywouldnít feel so trapped. I hate feeling like Iím just here to raise the kidsand thatís all Iím good for. Yes I know raising the kids is good but I needsomething for myself. I hope this makes sense. Any thoughts would beappreciated.

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#2 threelittlegems

Posted 13 April 2012 - 04:10 PM

QUOTE
have also been looking at doinga Degree through Open Universities so that I at least have a qualification undermy belt for when I want to return to work. I donít know whether to do thedegree or not. For a start, I would need to travel half way to the city to sitthe exams which bothers me because of my driving worries. And I also wonder ifI will be too old to get a job in my chosen field by the time Iíve finished thedegree (Iím 31 now).


Do that degree OP.

Driving halfway to the city will be a good experience for you. The only way to get rid of your fears is to blow them away. Not allow them to box you in.

It will also give you a purpose in life.

I am a firm believer in doing something, anything. Anything is better than sitting still and being unhappy with your life.

What you choose to do may not be the right thing, but the experience of it will help you.

You won't be too old. My SIL went back to uni to study nursing at 35, and my other SIL has just started a nutrition degree at the age of 41. She did senior english and chemistry last year.

Do something!!!

Edited by threelittlegems, 13 April 2012 - 04:10 PM.


#3 MARsmum

Posted 13 April 2012 - 04:11 PM

I'm sorry you are feeling like this although I can totally relate to how you feel.  

I have three young children and feel as though they suck the life out of me until there is none of me left.  I love them to bits and have put some things in place this year to stop me feeling that way.  

We too are on a tight budget so there is not a lot of money for going out.  My weekly outing is usually to do the groceries and I often feel like hitting my DH on the head when he asks me if I had a good time when I get back ... seriously, I was at the supermarket!  However, I am now trying to enjoy that time.  I buy a coffee and do it slowly so that I have a bit of a breather.  I am also a member at the gym and put my kids in the creche a few times a week for an hour.  This is my absolute lifesaver!  I am not sure if that is a possibility for you however the endorphins and hour away from my cherubs does absolute wonders.  I have also enrolled in a Masters degree which I am starting next semester through Open Universities.  I am only doing one subject as that is 10 hours a week (not sure where I am going to find that) but I am hoping that it will give me a little purpose and something to look forward to for me!

Anyway, for me, I haven't made huge changes this year but the little things have helped me feel so much better about myself.  My DS is also turning 2 soon so I am feeling like the total dependence on me is starting to ease a bit.

HTH and I hope you find something to do for yourself that will make you feel better!

#4 Feral Cancerian

Posted 13 April 2012 - 04:25 PM

OP, what about joining a library? It costs nothing and is a more interesting outing than the supermarket.
Take baby steps, whatever changes you feel that you are up to...as you achieve things you'll gradually feel strong enough to tackle the big problems like discipline and career.

#5 Chezmlka

Posted 13 April 2012 - 04:28 PM

QUOTE (threelittlegems @ 13/04/2012, 04:10 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Do that degree OP.

Driving halfway to the city will be a good experience for you. The only way to get rid of your fears is to blow them away. Not allow them to box you in.

It will also give you a purpose in life.

I am a firm believer in doing something, anything. Anything is better than sitting still and being unhappy with your life.

What you choose to do may not be the right thing, but the experience of it will help you.

You won't be too old. My SIL went back to uni to study nursing at 35, and my other SIL has just started a nutrition degree at the age of 41. She did senior english and chemistry last year.

Do something!!!


Thanks for your encouragement! I think I have to do the degree, it's been nagging at me for ages. And you are right, even if it's not the right thing for me I still will have had the experience original.gif


QUOTE (MARsmum @ 13/04/2012, 04:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm sorry you are feeling like this although I can totally relate to how you feel.  

I have three young children and feel as though they suck the life out of me until there is none of me left.  I love them to bits and have put some things in place this year to stop me feeling that way.  

We too are on a tight budget so there is not a lot of money for going out.  My weekly outing is usually to do the groceries and I often feel like hitting my DH on the head when he asks me if I had a good time when I get back ... seriously, I was at the supermarket!  However, I am now trying to enjoy that time.  I buy a coffee and do it slowly so that I have a bit of a breather.  I am also a member at the gym and put my kids in the creche a few times a week for an hour.  This is my absolute lifesaver!  I am not sure if that is a possibility for you however the endorphins and hour away from my cherubs does absolute wonders.  I have also enrolled in a Masters degree which I am starting next semester through Open Universities.  I am only doing one subject as that is 10 hours a week (not sure where I am going to find that) but I am hoping that it will give me a little purpose and something to look forward to for me!

Anyway, for me, I haven't made huge changes this year but the little things have helped me feel so much better about myself.  My DS is also turning 2 soon so I am feeling like the total dependence on me is starting to ease a bit.

HTH and I hope you find something to do for yourself that will make you feel better!


I'm not sure where I'd find the time to do a degree either but I think if it's something I really want to do I'll find the time to do it. Going to the gym is not really an option at the moment. I have some gym equipment at home that I should use. I set it up with the intention of using it but just don't seem to have the energy lately. I've been wondering whether to put my 2 year old in day care one day a week when my 4 year old is at kinder to give me a break but I don't know if we could afford it. Also I think I'd feel guilty using daycare when I don't work but I could really do with a break from the kids and this is the only way I can think of to do it.

#6 123tree

Posted 13 April 2012 - 04:43 PM

I would suggest you speak to centrelink regarding the cost of child care.  They have been able to cover some of the cost of putting my two in care half a day a week.

I think maybe trying to put some "you" time aside every now and then to go for a walk, or a bike ride, or read etc.  Even taping your favourite show and actually sitting down and watching it when you have the time can make you feel more like yourself.  I sometimes think all I am is a door mat to my kids and I need to do these things.

Also this may seem way off base but I used to have very bad anxiety over seeing blood, or hearing about injuries or operations.  I eventually went to see a hypnotist - psychologist.   Overcoming my anxiety was a huge weight off my shoulders.

Hang in there.

#7 Chezmlka

Posted 13 April 2012 - 06:47 PM

QUOTE (CancerianMoon @ 13/04/2012, 04:25 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
OP, what about joining a library? It costs nothing and is a more interesting outing than the supermarket.
Take baby steps, whatever changes you feel that you are up to...as you achieve things you'll gradually feel strong enough to tackle the big problems like discipline and career.


The Library is an excellent idea. I hadn't thought about the library and I do love to read!

#8 Chezmlka

Posted 13 April 2012 - 06:59 PM

QUOTE (123tree @ 13/04/2012, 04:43 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would suggest you speak to centrelink regarding the cost of child care.  They have been able to cover some of the cost of putting my two in care half a day a week.

I think maybe trying to put some "you" time aside every now and then to go for a walk, or a bike ride, or read etc.  Even taping your favourite show and actually sitting down and watching it when you have the time can make you feel more like yourself.  I sometimes think all I am is a door mat to my kids and I need to do these things.

Also this may seem way off base but I used to have very bad anxiety over seeing blood, or hearing about injuries or operations.  I eventually went to see a hypnotist - psychologist.   Overcoming my anxiety was a huge weight off my shoulders.

Hang in there.


I'll have a look on the Centrelink website about the cost of child care and see if there's anything there that can help me out.

I love to scrapbook but haven't done any in ages because I never seem to have the time but now I think it's time to make time. I really need to have more 'me' time before I go mad.

I did go to see a psychologist last year (only 6 sessions) and she helped me a fair bit. I think I'll try some of the suggestions here and see if I can help myself to change otherwise I might have to go back to her so she can help me again. If only psychologists could tell you what you're meant to do with your life! biggrin.gif

Thanks for all the reply's. I feel more positive about it all already.

#9 Froger

Posted 13 April 2012 - 07:01 PM

Of course your life has purpose! Everyone has a different role to fulfill. Not everyone is going to be a Nobel prize winner, but doesn't mean they haven't got a purpose.

Really think about doing that degree. I'm doing one at the moment by distance, because Ihave alot of kids and can't really get out to lectures etc. You can fit it in with other stuff and around your kids. I'm a single mum with no qualifications, and it is really hard to do the degree, but I know that it will make my life easier in the long run, even though I will be (relatively) quite old when I finish. But it is never too late IMO to get qualifications. If you are worried about exams, maybe start with an online tafe qualification first?

Good luc,k and don't say your life has no purpose, because of course it does. You have wonderful children, and that is just for starters. And at this stage  in your life you can still pretty much do whatever you want to do. Just take that first step.

#10 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 13 April 2012 - 07:10 PM

All the PP suggestions are great.  Also have you thought about volunteering for something.  Could be anything that strikes your interest- meals on wheels, land care, SES, local museum....but NOT kid related.

It will open up friendships, look great on your CV for when you want to go back to work, plus it's well recognised that volunteering makes people happier.  

http://www.govolunteer.com.au/

#11 Chezmlka

Posted 14 April 2012 - 08:38 AM

QUOTE (meggs1 @ 13/04/2012, 07:10 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
All the PP suggestions are great.  Also have you thought about volunteering for something.  Could be anything that strikes your interest- meals on wheels, land care, SES, local museum....but NOT kid related.

It will open up friendships, look great on your CV for when you want to go back to work, plus it's well recognised that volunteering makes people happier.  

http://www.govolunteer.com.au/


I hadn't though about volunteering but it could be a good opportunity to develop some confidence and social skills. I think what hasn't helped with my social skills and friendships is when I was a kid my parents made us move around frequently. We'd move from one end of Victoria to the other and I'd be expected to make all new friends and then we'd move somewhere else and I'd have to make friends all over again. I went to four primary schools and five high schools. By the time we settled in the last place we lived before I moved out of home I had given up with the friend making thing. I thought to myself 'Whats the point? We'll probably just move again.' But this time we didn't move and I still live in the same town that I finished Year 12 in and I could have had friends now that I went to school with had I not given up on making them. Oh and the only reason we kept moving was for the money!!! Dad would be offered a bit more money somewhere else and next thing you know we'd be moving again.

#12 katpaws

Posted 14 April 2012 - 08:51 AM

Does your community have a neighbourhood house/centre? They often have events or classes for individuals or for parents and kids. They often have playgroups or other community groups and often ask for volunteers. They also usually have a noticeboard for community event notices that you could possibly attend and often they are free.

My local library has lots of social events - baby reading sessions, pet zoos visiting, book clubs, morning teas etc so check that out when you join the library. Again, they are often communuity hubs and advertise community events and programs.

If you have any not for profit organisations in the area (ie Anglicare) they are always after volunteers in different roles.

Get hold of your local newspaper, state newspaper and the [State] Child magazine (ie Melbourne's Child) as they will have activities for families to do, especially during school holidays and usually they will advise the cost of the activity.

I used to go to local pharmacies and look at the nice products they had on stock and then contact that company for free samples and it was like getting a present every week. EB i think has a freebie thread.

I think looking at tertiary education is a great idea and not all courses require exams if that is an issue. I did community development and i never did an exam but i did have to do placements, that might be something you need to check if it is a requirement of the course.

I moved around a lot as child and have displacement issues so i understand your concerns. Volunteering and getting involved in the local community is a great way to deal with this.

Best of luck - PM me if you need anything more





#13 AMPSyd

Posted 14 April 2012 - 10:39 AM

I could have posted the exact things you say a year ago. I have been a SAHM for 11 years - completely out of touch from the real workforce.

Being a SAHM is a drain. What I am doing is a degree (many Unis do it online and the Uni I do mine through often have assessments only - submitted online). I am studying to be a librarian and started 2008. Even with the study I was getting bored and starting to lose a lot of confidence. Last year I did a placement in a public library for 3 weeks and boy-oh-boy did it take me out of my comfort zone. Since then to get the required experience and get me feeling like I am contributing something to society and myself, I volunteer. For a while  I volunteered at the same library I did my placement at, and now with a specialist library. I don't get paid but the self belief and confidence I am getting is priceless - and will look awesome on a resume.

Do that degree, volunteer if you can't find paid work - it all adds up to a new you smile1.gif

Edited to add - I remember this from a post from EB member Lambchop.

"Feel the fear and do it anyway" That is becoming my motto.

Edited by AMPSyd, 14 April 2012 - 10:40 AM.





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