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m/c feeling really lost


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#1 Fantales

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:56 AM

i had my dating scan done wednesday. I was really excited, took my husband so we could hear the baby's heartbeat. I should have been 9-10 weeks. The tech was young and b**chy and when she told me the scan showed only 6 weeks i said that cant be right. She took it as you're wrong and argued with me about it... instead of being nice and sympathetic and telling me some nice BS like if you have PCOS maybe you ovulated later than you thought, she insisted I was only 6 weekS and the bhcg values are broad and unreliable. She never showed me a picture and I ripped the report open in the U/s office when it was done. fetal pole of 6 wks, no hb repeat scan suggested in one week. you dont have to be a genius to know that if you had your bhcg at 1200 a month ago you probably are not only 6 weeks pregnant, something is wrong. I was thinking a missed miscarriage, what a sh*tty 30th bday present, but today I have just started to bleed. We've been trying so long to get pregnant, I feel so robbed. I feel lost. If you asked me 5 years ago where I thought I would be in 5 years I would have said married, 1 child and a 2nd on the way. I dont know where I will be in 5 years time now, and no idea where I want to be. This has been a hard climb for me and my husband, and although I care about him I feel like Im not in love with him anymore. He is very supportive and and when I said I was thinking of tossing everything to the wind and moving out, changing jobs, going where ever the winds blow me, he said he'd still support me if that what I think I need to do. I love my job and I love my life but I feel like I'm at a stalemale and I have no way to undo it without throwing the whole game in. what the hell do I do?

#2 kiwi-girl

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:28 AM

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I had a missed miscarriage late last year following fertility treatment (discovered by scan at 11 weeks but growth was measuring 8.5). I totally get your feelings of needing change - big and small. In the weeks that followed there were so many times that I wanted to run away - not sure where to, but I just wanted to get away from my life. My husband was incredibly supportive and I couldn't have got through without him - I made sure I kept reminding myself that it was 'our' baby that we lost, not just mine and he was grieving as well. I wanted to make huge changes as well, but I knew that being in the middle of the hardest grieving period I have ever gone through was not the time to make big decisions.
Miscarriages are unfair, they are a huge loss. I have a friend going through a mc at the moment, and she is also feeling really angry and let down - she had felt so positive about the pregnancy that she feels her body let her down in multiple ways. The best advice I could give her was to be gentle on herself and her partner, to just go with feelings as they turn up, and to rest.
I'm sorry you had a terrible experience with your ultrasound technician - I have also had that, and some need to have more bedside manner training. It may just be a scan to them, but it represents much more to us.
Best of luck with your recovery through this.

#3 Enharmonic

Posted 13 April 2012 - 01:40 PM

Very sorry for your loss. Hearing your story about the sonographer makes me want to go slap her. How callous. When you feel up to it, I'd suggest writing to the ultrasound place to give some 'constructive feedback' on how poorly the tech behaved towards you. She needs to know that her behaviour was very inappropriate. I once had a sonographer just plainly say, "no, there's no heartbeat here. It's not viable. You can get dressed now." No gentle or kind words, no empathy. When I asked in between sobs if I could have a printout, she promptly told me it would cost $32, do I still want one. I've had several miscarriages, I would've been due 29th November this time around. I'm numb. All the cautious excitement and expectations gone, just like that. I've tossed out all the +ve HPTs, cleaned and scrubbed the floors and walls and eaten an extraordinary amount of chocolate. The fuzz in your head will eventually clear, even if the hurt is still there. Take some time to look after yourself and do give DH a hug as well.

#4 bubzillaiscoming

Posted 13 April 2012 - 01:54 PM

I can't really offer any words of wisdom, but I'm so sorry to hear your story and that U/S lady needs a good dressing down.

Good luck with everything in the future

x

#5 Alacritous~Andy

Posted 13 April 2012 - 04:17 PM

OP, my heart breaks for you.  

There is a great book called "The Reality Slap" by Russ Harris that you might find helpful.  One of the analogies Russ uses is he talks about how in a time of chaos, it is like being in a boat during a storm - trying to work out what direction to sail can be pretty useless, and sometimes the best (and only) thing you can do to survive is to put down an anchor to help you keep your bearings until the storm passes.  When things have calmed, and you have survived the worst of the storm, then you can think about what direction to sail.  

I guess my point is to remember you are grieving, and don't make any rash decisions right now.  

bbighug.gif

#6 JKan

Posted 14 April 2012 - 12:29 AM

so sad to hear your story.  
Stay strong, tomorrow is another day.



#7 Turquoise1

Posted 14 April 2012 - 08:03 PM

I'm also so sad to hear your story. Everyone has given wonderful input. Be gentle with you and ... time is the only thing to help you.

Take care of you.

PS - if I'm really honest, my man and I were arguing before I knew we were pregnant and I kept thinking it was the end of the world and us. I think hormones have a bigger impact than we realise as I'm no longer looking at his...tricky qualities and now looking at what I love about him.

#8 Soontobegran

Posted 14 April 2012 - 08:09 PM

I am so very sad for you.
When you are feeling a bit better please speak to the practice manager regarding the behaviour of the sonographer. She is in the wrong profession entirely if she does not know how to speak to the patients at times like this. sad.gif
Lots of luck for the future.

#9 spottydog

Posted 14 April 2012 - 08:13 PM

I just seen this in recent topics, but couldnt read and not reply.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and of the way the technician treated you.

I had a miscariage 5 weeks ago after IVF treatment.

I too wanted to just do something big, different and quickly. I took a couple of weeks thinking about it and im now in a good place, i feel like im ready to do IVF again when the time comes.

Good luck, take your time and deal with your feelings day by day.

spotty.

#10 whelmed

Posted 14 April 2012 - 08:17 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this and that the sonographer was so self-centred and inconsiderate. Your husband sounds like he cares very much about you. I'd suggest that you don't make any major decisions about your marriage right now but give yourself time and space to grieve this loss.

#11 Fantales

Posted 15 April 2012 - 09:12 AM

thank you for your kind thoughts and advice and my heart goes out to everyone touched by a m/c.  I am feeling better today. I am thinking I should take this as a good opportunity to reconnect with my husband. I think I'll be getting a D&C tomorrow at this rate unless the bleeding gets heavier, so it will be good to concentrate on our relationship for a month or so instead of just out frustrations of being infertile. hope you are all having a lovely weekend xoxo

#12 christmasiscoming

Posted 15 April 2012 - 11:07 AM

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I've had two myself and I know the feelings you are dealing with - they're brutal - but they do get better.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better today.  Like the previous posters said, now is not the time to make any life-changing decisions but working on your relationship with your husband is something we all need to be doing, every day, so I think that is a fantastic place to start.  And I think too that your husband is suffering this loss too - and combined with that he's watching you from the sidelines endure the physical side of the miscarriage also which, from what my husband tells me from our experiences, is one of the hardest things for them to deal with - they want to help more but apart from just 'being there' they feel a little helpless.

I guess every day is a new day and every day the sun will shine a little brighter for you both.  I hope everything works out for you both.






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