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Friend issue

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#1 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:45 AM

Thanks for the advice.

Edited by Tecopa, 15 April 2012 - 06:06 AM.

#2 Kay1

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:51 AM

Your friend is horrible. I would not be able to be friends with someone like that.

Especially if it was affecting me negatively and really in the circumstances how could it not?

#3 EsmeLennox

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:53 AM

I think your friend sounds rather shallow and self-absorbed and his behaviour would p*ss me off. In fact it would p*ss me off so much, I'd probably be turned off him and the friendship.

I hav no advice really, it's your friendship and you know whether it's worth it or not, but if I had a friend like that I think the friendship would probably end, or at least not be quite the friendship it once was.

#4 ~Delilah~

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:56 AM

I would struggle to continue a friendship like this. Selfishness and hateful are not an endearing qualities. I'd just let the friendship go quietly.

#5 opethmum

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:58 AM

Gay or straight some people can be total self absorbed SOBs. If he is continually making you uncomfortable then I suggest to talk to him and tell him what you are feeling about his attitude towards "fat" people. If he just does not get it or refuses to acknowledge your point of view then I suggest to move on and limit the contact between you.
People can be jerks and don't this one get you down.

#6 BadCat

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM

Yeah sorry but your friend sounds like a complete prick actually.  

He says he doesn't care about his date's feelings. He also said he doesn't care about your feelings.  I can't even begin to imagine why you would continue to see him.

Edited by BadCat, 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM.

#7 cinnabubble

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM

It's like him saying "I hate [insert name of your ethnic group] but you're OK". It's still hateful.

It's alright to be attracted to whoever you want, but it's not OK to lead people on.

#8 marnie27

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM

Your friend sounds like a jerk.

I have lots of gay friends that wouldn't date someone based on looks - the difference is they wouldn't string them along either.

#9 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:08 AM

He's done a few jerky things lately but the issue is my son is close to him - closest thing he has to a father figure so I guess if I'm going to withdraw from him I know it's going to break my son's heart not to see him often. I guess in my heart I'd moved him closer to "family" then friend due to his involvement with my boy and have had the attitude of ah well, can't pick family. But this one would be hard to overlook. And eventually my kid would start to pick up on those attitudes as well I guess.

#10 EsmeLennox

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:10 AM

Quite honestly, I would want to be limiting my child's exposure to someone with attitudes such as those your friend has.

#11 LambChop

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:13 AM

Why are you friends with him ?

#12 **Xena**

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:16 AM

QUOTE (marnie27 @ 13/04/2012, 10:02 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have lots of gay friends that wouldn't date someone based on looks - the difference is they wouldn't string them along either.

Same. I know lots of people that may choose not to date someone based on being overweight, but they don't hate overweight people it's an attraction thing same as I know lots of people who wouldn't date a smoker or really muscly people or super thin people. Superficial yes but we are attracted to what we are attracted to. However they don't go on and on about how gross they are! Also they wouldn't have a problem with those same qualities being in a friend.

I'd say your friend was either trying to be cool, has low self esteem or is just an a*s*hole.

#13 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:19 AM


Edited by Tecopa, 15 April 2012 - 06:06 AM.

#14 marnie27

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:30 AM

Now that you've given more info I wouldn't want him around my child. My kids dad (who is also gay) would never date someone overweight whilst DP and I both are. But he is nothing but supportive and respectful. He was there when our kids were both born and saw way more than any of us expected but he's only ever said kind things to my DP.

I'd be limiting the exposure of your friend and his arrogant attitude on your son if I were you.

#15 MuppetGirl

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:37 AM

I know you say you value his relationship with your son but is that the role you want for your boy? Someone who thinks looks are more important than personality, someone who would willingly play with another person emotions and not care what damage could be cause, someone who claims to care about you but continually does and says things to hurt you?

Those are not the lessons I want my children learning.

He doesn't sound like a very good friend or role model at all.

#16 la di dah

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:45 AM

There's a lot of people I'm not personally attracted to. Or my single friends aren't attracted to.

It's not wrong to be unattracted to someone, even for a silly reason. For example I am turned off by androgynous men even if on some level I can think they're pretty. I just can't feel "that."

So I don't date them. Being a little bit shallow is okay as far as who you look for romantically, no point in tying yourself into a relationship that leaves you feeling icky or forced. But it's no reason to lie or lead; if nothing else, every moment you spend with not-your-type guy is a moment you're not finding someone who, if not your life partner, is still at least Sexy!Fun, as isn't the whole point finding someone you either want to be with long term or someone who's Sexy!Fun...?

If you care about him as a friend I would say you were worried about him. Doesn't he know he's a great guy, (if he is) and he's worth someone who makes him truly happy, and not to waste both their time or try to settle. This time-biding with someone you find yucky is a sign of lack of confidence and self-worth IMO.

#17 marnie27

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:50 AM

QUOTE (la di dah @ 13/04/2012, 08:45 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If you care about him as a friend I would say you were worried about him. Doesn't he know he's a great guy, (if he is) and he's worth someone who makes him truly happy, and not to waste both their time or try to settle. This time-biding with someone you find yucky is a sign of lack of confidence and self-worth IMO.

True. Or it could just be that he's an asshat who gets off on someone fawning over him despite him having no attraction whatsoever?

#18 Wishing2011

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:03 AM

Sounds like an ex friend of mine. We donít talk anymore because she took her selfishness to a new level which didnít only affect me but upset and cost my friends and family quite a bit of money.

She used to tell me about guys and how she wasnít interested but just wanted to be Ďfriendsí yet she would lead them on hold hands and kiss them.. And when the guys started speaking about being in a relationship she just wouldnít get it! The way she treated them disgusted me.. The way she decided to hand her kids over to her ex husband for full custody because she wanted her life back shocked me.. But that was her choice and all the things I can see she has done that have affected myself and many other people just show how self absorbed she is. Maybe one day she will regret it or maybe not?

I would let him know that his comments offend you and that the right thing to do is to let this other person know that he just wants to be friends.. If he doesnít listen that is his choice but if the fat comments keep coming then I would say he isnít that great a friend.. BUT I donít know your situation or your friend. This is just my view as an outsider.. Hopefully he has had a think about what you have said and will think before he speaks.

#19 Z-girls rock

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:11 AM

I have a straight friend like that.

he would say things like "I could never go out with a girl with a figure like yours (curvey) because I just love fit girls so much" blah blah blah.

I always just told him I was perfectly fine and happy with how I looked and I bet I met someone before he did.

anyway years on I am happy, married, in love (my Hubby is even more round then me!). He is still single and alone wondering why he never meets anyone rolleyes.gif

I feel bad for my friend but, you know, he kind of has to figure out that it is his a-hole attitude that is keeping him for finding real happyness.

#20 Tesseract

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:43 AM

It's actually all about him, IMO.

It sounds like he is, underneath it all, a good person, but he has a massive inferiority complex. That's why he needs to criticize everyone, and that is why he continues to date people he doesn't like. Because at least then he is dating somebody, which in his eyes makes him a worthy human being. He clearly can't stand to be single and needs to put everyone down - classic self esteem issues.

The fact that he talks about hating fat bodies in front of you is so wrong. But I honestly think he doesn't understand that this would be insulting to you. And when you called him out on it he probably just clammed up and got defensive and said "don't take it personally!". Because in his view, deluded and self absorbed as it is, it isn't about you at all.

I have a friend who was so obsessed with being fat (she is a size 6-8) that she would go on and on about how fat she was, to me (size 14-16) and another friend of ours (size 18-20). We would sit there gobsmacked, but she honestly had no idea, she was so self obsessed she didn't see us at all.

If I were you I would give it a bit, then catch up with him and lay down the law. I would say something like "When you fat bash I actually find it really insulting, I don't want to hear that crap, and I don't want my son exposed to it. So don't do it in front of me."

He might get defensive again but will probably come around. He might eventually understand, or he might just chalk it up to you being sensitive, but hopefully he will respect your request nonetheless.

It sounds like you guys have a special friendship, I wouldn't want to end it over his self esteem issues, but I wouldn't want to put up with that talk either.

#21 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:35 PM

Thanks for that Tesseract - your post made a lot of sense. I'm liking hearing the other opinions too. I'm due to see him Sunday and glad I've got a few days to think about it all. Although is Facebook now says "Pash Rash" so I think he may be following the whole make out with him thing even though he doesn't want more ...Ack.

#22 MagsJee

Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:49 PM

QUOTE (MahnaMahna @ 13/04/2012, 10:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I know you say you value his relationship with your son but is that the role you want for your boy? Someone who thinks looks are more important than personality, someone who would willingly play with another person emotions and not care what damage could be cause, someone who claims to care about you but continually does and says things to hurt you?

Those are not the lessons I want my children learning.

He doesn't sound like a very good friend or role model at all.

yyes.gif   I'd be worried whether his affection for your son fell into that category as well, and that hurting your child (emotionally) wouldn't even register.  I imagine you think that your friend would never do that, but you probably didn't think he'd lead someone on in that manner either.

#23 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 03:32 PM

Good point and I guess I've been too worried to acknowledge I've seen a few signs that it might be that his affection for my kid is kinda of about how it reflects on him and makes him feel than actually what my son might need. He went through a withdrawn, sulky stage a while ago and didn't see my son who was missing him and when I asked about it he said, that he was sad and didn't want to be around my son sad, and was a little taken back when I said, the kid doesn't really care, all he knows is you aren't around anymore and doesn't understand.

#24 JustBeige

Posted 13 April 2012 - 03:38 PM

Tecopa, look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I think your friend is showing some classic markers for it and its not just being shallow and self absorbed.  (I hope I am wrong though).

I would honestly put some distance between yourselves at the moment. You need to be thinking about your son and whether this relationship is actually a positive one for him or not

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