Jump to content

Friend issue


  • Please log in to reply
24 replies to this topic

#1 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:45 AM

Thanks for the advice.

Edited by Tecopa, 15 April 2012 - 06:06 AM.


#2 Kay1

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:51 AM

Your friend is horrible. I would not be able to be friends with someone like that.

Especially if it was affecting me negatively and really in the circumstances how could it not?

#3 EsmeLennox

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:53 AM

I think your friend sounds rather shallow and self-absorbed and his behaviour would p*ss me off. In fact it would p*ss me off so much, I'd probably be turned off him and the friendship.

I hav no advice really, it's your friendship and you know whether it's worth it or not, but if I had a friend like that I think the friendship would probably end, or at least not be quite the friendship it once was.

#4 ~Delilah~

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:56 AM

I would struggle to continue a friendship like this. Selfishness and hateful are not an endearing qualities. I'd just let the friendship go quietly.



#5 opethmum

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:58 AM

Gay or straight some people can be total self absorbed SOBs. If he is continually making you uncomfortable then I suggest to talk to him and tell him what you are feeling about his attitude towards "fat" people. If he just does not get it or refuses to acknowledge your point of view then I suggest to move on and limit the contact between you.
People can be jerks and don't this one get you down.


#6 BadCat

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM

Yeah sorry but your friend sounds like a complete prick actually.  

He says he doesn't care about his date's feelings. He also said he doesn't care about your feelings.  I can't even begin to imagine why you would continue to see him.

Edited by BadCat, 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM.


#7 cinnabubble

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM

It's like him saying "I hate [insert name of your ethnic group] but you're OK". It's still hateful.

It's alright to be attracted to whoever you want, but it's not OK to lead people on.

#8 marnie27

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM

Your friend sounds like a jerk.

I have lots of gay friends that wouldn't date someone based on looks - the difference is they wouldn't string them along either.



#9 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:08 AM

He's done a few jerky things lately but the issue is my son is close to him - closest thing he has to a father figure so I guess if I'm going to withdraw from him I know it's going to break my son's heart not to see him often. I guess in my heart I'd moved him closer to "family" then friend due to his involvement with my boy and have had the attitude of ah well, can't pick family. But this one would be hard to overlook. And eventually my kid would start to pick up on those attitudes as well I guess.

#10 EsmeLennox

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:10 AM

Quite honestly, I would want to be limiting my child's exposure to someone with attitudes such as those your friend has.

#11 LambChop

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:13 AM

Why are you friends with him ?

#12 **Xena**

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:16 AM

QUOTE (marnie27 @ 13/04/2012, 10:02 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have lots of gay friends that wouldn't date someone based on looks - the difference is they wouldn't string them along either.


Same. I know lots of people that may choose not to date someone based on being overweight, but they don't hate overweight people it's an attraction thing same as I know lots of people who wouldn't date a smoker or really muscly people or super thin people. Superficial yes but we are attracted to what we are attracted to. However they don't go on and on about how gross they are! Also they wouldn't have a problem with those same qualities being in a friend.

I'd say your friend was either trying to be cool, has low self esteem or is just an a*s*hole.

#13 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:19 AM

,

Edited by Tecopa, 15 April 2012 - 06:06 AM.


#14 marnie27

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:30 AM

Now that you've given more info I wouldn't want him around my child. My kids dad (who is also gay) would never date someone overweight whilst DP and I both are. But he is nothing but supportive and respectful. He was there when our kids were both born and saw way more than any of us expected but he's only ever said kind things to my DP.

I'd be limiting the exposure of your friend and his arrogant attitude on your son if I were you.

#15 MahnaMahna

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:37 AM

I know you say you value his relationship with your son but is that the role you want for your boy? Someone who thinks looks are more important than personality, someone who would willingly play with another person emotions and not care what damage could be cause, someone who claims to care about you but continually does and says things to hurt you?

Those are not the lessons I want my children learning.

He doesn't sound like a very good friend or role model at all.

#16 la di dah

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:45 AM

There's a lot of people I'm not personally attracted to. Or my single friends aren't attracted to.

It's not wrong to be unattracted to someone, even for a silly reason. For example I am turned off by androgynous men even if on some level I can think they're pretty. I just can't feel "that."

So I don't date them. Being a little bit shallow is okay as far as who you look for romantically, no point in tying yourself into a relationship that leaves you feeling icky or forced. But it's no reason to lie or lead; if nothing else, every moment you spend with not-your-type guy is a moment you're not finding someone who, if not your life partner, is still at least Sexy!Fun, as isn't the whole point finding someone you either want to be with long term or someone who's Sexy!Fun...?

If you care about him as a friend I would say you were worried about him. Doesn't he know he's a great guy, (if he is) and he's worth someone who makes him truly happy, and not to waste both their time or try to settle. This time-biding with someone you find yucky is a sign of lack of confidence and self-worth IMO.

#17 marnie27

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:50 AM

QUOTE (la di dah @ 13/04/2012, 08:45 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If you care about him as a friend I would say you were worried about him. Doesn't he know he's a great guy, (if he is) and he's worth someone who makes him truly happy, and not to waste both their time or try to settle. This time-biding with someone you find yucky is a sign of lack of confidence and self-worth IMO.

True. Or it could just be that he's an asshat who gets off on someone fawning over him despite him having no attraction whatsoever?

#18 Wishing2011

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:03 AM

Sounds like an ex friend of mine. We donít talk anymore because she took her selfishness to a new level which didnít only affect me but upset and cost my friends and family quite a bit of money.

She used to tell me about guys and how she wasnít interested but just wanted to be Ďfriendsí yet she would lead them on hold hands and kiss them.. And when the guys started speaking about being in a relationship she just wouldnít get it! The way she treated them disgusted me.. The way she decided to hand her kids over to her ex husband for full custody because she wanted her life back shocked me.. But that was her choice and all the things I can see she has done that have affected myself and many other people just show how self absorbed she is. Maybe one day she will regret it or maybe not?

I would let him know that his comments offend you and that the right thing to do is to let this other person know that he just wants to be friends.. If he doesnít listen that is his choice but if the fat comments keep coming then I would say he isnít that great a friend.. BUT I donít know your situation or your friend. This is just my view as an outsider.. Hopefully he has had a think about what you have said and will think before he speaks.


#19 Z-girls rock

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:11 AM

I have a straight friend like that.

he would say things like "I could never go out with a girl with a figure like yours (curvey) because I just love fit girls so much" blah blah blah.

I always just told him I was perfectly fine and happy with how I looked and I bet I met someone before he did.

anyway years on I am happy, married, in love (my Hubby is even more round then me!). He is still single and alone wondering why he never meets anyone rolleyes.gif

I feel bad for my friend but, you know, he kind of has to figure out that it is his a-hole attitude that is keeping him for finding real happyness.

#20 Cat People

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:25 AM

A lot of it's probably just talk.  You guys starting off your relationship like this, joking you were superior than everyone else.  And I assume that means being a bit b**chy about others too.  Now you've gone and changed it on him.  I wouldn't take it personally.  What he does in his personal life, is his business.  Guys are a bit more casual about this sort of thing and I'm sure while the other guy might be looking for a relationship, he wouldn't be taking it as seriously as you might think.    He's been good to you, kind?  Then take that, and leave the rest.

#21 Tesseract

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:43 AM

It's actually all about him, IMO.

It sounds like he is, underneath it all, a good person, but he has a massive inferiority complex. That's why he needs to criticize everyone, and that is why he continues to date people he doesn't like. Because at least then he is dating somebody, which in his eyes makes him a worthy human being. He clearly can't stand to be single and needs to put everyone down - classic self esteem issues.

The fact that he talks about hating fat bodies in front of you is so wrong. But I honestly think he doesn't understand that this would be insulting to you. And when you called him out on it he probably just clammed up and got defensive and said "don't take it personally!". Because in his view, deluded and self absorbed as it is, it isn't about you at all.

I have a friend who was so obsessed with being fat (she is a size 6-8) that she would go on and on about how fat she was, to me (size 14-16) and another friend of ours (size 18-20). We would sit there gobsmacked, but she honestly had no idea, she was so self obsessed she didn't see us at all.

If I were you I would give it a bit, then catch up with him and lay down the law. I would say something like "When you fat bash I actually find it really insulting, I don't want to hear that crap, and I don't want my son exposed to it. So don't do it in front of me."

He might get defensive again but will probably come around. He might eventually understand, or he might just chalk it up to you being sensitive, but hopefully he will respect your request nonetheless.

It sounds like you guys have a special friendship, I wouldn't want to end it over his self esteem issues, but I wouldn't want to put up with that talk either.

#22 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:35 PM

Thanks for that Tesseract - your post made a lot of sense. I'm liking hearing the other opinions too. I'm due to see him Sunday and glad I've got a few days to think about it all. Although is Facebook now says "Pash Rash" so I think he may be following the whole make out with him thing even though he doesn't want more ...Ack.

#23 MagsJee

Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:49 PM

QUOTE (MahnaMahna @ 13/04/2012, 10:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I know you say you value his relationship with your son but is that the role you want for your boy? Someone who thinks looks are more important than personality, someone who would willingly play with another person emotions and not care what damage could be cause, someone who claims to care about you but continually does and says things to hurt you?

Those are not the lessons I want my children learning.

He doesn't sound like a very good friend or role model at all.

yyes.gif   I'd be worried whether his affection for your son fell into that category as well, and that hurting your child (emotionally) wouldn't even register.  I imagine you think that your friend would never do that, but you probably didn't think he'd lead someone on in that manner either.



#24 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 03:32 PM

Good point and I guess I've been too worried to acknowledge I've seen a few signs that it might be that his affection for my kid is kinda of about how it reflects on him and makes him feel than actually what my son might need. He went through a withdrawn, sulky stage a while ago and didn't see my son who was missing him and when I asked about it he said, that he was sad and didn't want to be around my son sad, and was a little taken back when I said, the kid doesn't really care, all he knows is you aren't around anymore and doesn't understand.

#25 JustBeige

Posted 13 April 2012 - 03:38 PM

Tecopa, look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I think your friend is showing some classic markers for it and its not just being shallow and self absorbed.  (I hope I am wrong though).

I would honestly put some distance between yourselves at the moment. You need to be thinking about your son and whether this relationship is actually a positive one for him or not




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special offer: The Baby & Toddler Show 2014

At The Baby & Toddler Show, you?ll find everything you need to get ready for your new arrival and guide you through the early weeks and years of parenting.

An open letter to Tony Abbott: please salvage our super

We face financial ruin, but most of us don?t realise it. If we don?t act together to salvage our superannuation, I have no doubt the new GFC will be the Girls? Financial Crisis.

'I'm happy to know I'm changing lives': surrogate mum of two

I know that once the baby is born, I will focus on the gift I have given, and watch the parents with their new child. I can't wait for that day.

Birth trauma and the issue of informed consent

There is a perception that women should just be happy they have a healthy baby in their arms. But for women who experienced birth trauma, there's a lot more to it.

Tips for managing pollen allergies and hayfever

They're simple tips, but they can have a big impact on those who suffer from hayfever and pollen allergies.

Ada Nicodemou shares tribute to her stillborn baby

Just over one month since Ada Nicodemou and her husband lost their second son, the Home and Away star has shared a touching poem for her baby.

Mum causes stir breastfeeding on train

?To the woman breastfeeding her kid on the train. Seriously! On the train?" began the letter of complaint.

10 things they don?t tell you about being pregnant

As I slowly waddle my ever-changing pregnant body towards the finishing line of my due date, it?s becoming increasingly clear there are a lot of things they just don?t tell you about pregnancy.

Overcoming a fear of the dark

A toddler's fear of the dark is very normal, but there are ways parents can help children through this stage in their development.

Kids, TV and movies: how young is too young?

It seems you don't have to throw the TV and iPad out the window - it all boils down to moderation, supervision and interaction.

Video: Baby's first birthday is a special day for mum, too

?A baby?s first birthday is also mum?s first birthday.?

The day Supernanny came to tea

Prince William's favourite celebrity child trainer Jo Frost puts Bryony Gordon and her toddler through their paces.

Tales from the homefront

When you're at work you sort of assume that your house is basically just sitting there quietly doing nothing until you return. However, since spending my days at home, I've learned this couldn't be further from the truth.

The words I hated hearing as new mum

It was less than a week after my son was born that I first heard it - from my mother.

To the pharmacist who sold me baby formula

On the rare occasion I catch sight of you at school, or around town, I think back to our earliest exchange. I?m sure you have no recollection of it at all.

Babies may benefit from autism therapy

Children showing signs of autism don't usually receive early intervention until well into toddlerhood or later, but a new study suggests infants with symptoms of the developmental disorder might benefit from therapy from as early as six months.

Knatalye and Adeline born with an everlasting bond

Knatalye Hope and Adeline Faith are a lot like any other identical twin girls, but there is one dramatic difference: they're joined at the chest and shares several internal organs.

The question this dad wishes he'd asked his wife

I should have seen that my wife wasn't the same person I'd fallen in love with, but we were both too focused on simply trying to get by.

Why we should talk about the deaths of the Hunt children

The deaths are too horrible even to think about. Yet we owe it to the children - Fletcher, Mia and Phoebe Hunt - to think long and hard about it all.

Baby dies of meningococcal weeks after vaccine application denied

A six-month-old girl has died from meningococcal disease just weeks after an application for government funding of a vaccine for the most deadly strain of the virus was rejected.

Finding the right balance when playing with your kids

Being too involved in our children?s play and not allowing our kids enough free time for unstructured activities can mean our kids miss out on the value that play offers.

Creative DIY light shades

The Pop Light light shade comes in a flat pack already made - it's up to you to design it as you'd like.

The battle of iParenting versus imagination

Have we forgotten how to be imaginative, resourceful parents?

Why movement is so important for your baby's growth

Letting your child move as much as possible in the early years ? using all senses, engaging in the real world, preferably outside ? will help them grow up healthier, smarter, calmer and stronger.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Special offer: The Baby & Toddler Show 2014

At The Baby & Toddler Show, you?ll find everything you need to get ready for your new arrival and guide you through the early weeks and years of parenting.

Win a House of Magic prize pack

To celebrate the release of the new movie House of Magic, we have 10 double passes and magic sets to give away just in time for these school holidays. Enter Now for a chance to win!

Losing yourself to motherhood

While watching your baby grow into a unique little person is exciting and wondrous, the intensity of meeting everyone else?s needs can ever so sneakily overtake your own needs for self-care.

Tearing during delivery: the facts

Almost all women will experience bruising, grazing or tearing after a vaginal birth. Depending on the degree of tearing, there are various treatments available.

6 tips for a day out with a baby and toddler

Outings can be lots of fun with the kids, but there are inevitable challenges. Here's some information about days out to help you be a little more prepared.

Why I invited a dozen people to watch my son's birth

I sent invitations on burgundy scrapbooking paper stamped with a field of poppies, and told each person why I wanted him or her there. I warned that there would be nudity.

Getting labour started: tips for a natural induction

When your baby?s due date comes and goes without so much as a pop - let alone a bang - it can be disheartening. Mums and a doula share their stories of natural inductions.

7 mistakes old hands make with new babies

As I sat across the table from my friend ? me, a seasoned mother of three; her, a brand new mum ? I thought of all the mistakes an old-hand parent can make when visiting a newborn baby.

That's my boy: a dad's diary of the first 4 months

Unbearable anxiety, unspeakable joy, constant exhaustion and bouts of frustration ... The many shocks of first-time fatherhood resound in a dad's diary of his son's early months.

One of the most important things a new mum can do

Finances may not be as cute as a newborn, but with many women?s working arrangements changing post-baby, monetary matters need attention too.

6 things I didn't expect as a parent

From weird smells to dangerous opinions, painful body parts to numbness, here are a few things new mums and dads can expect.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

 

Reader offer

2 FOR 1 TICKET OFFER

For Shopping, For Advice, For Baby & You. Enjoy a special day out with fabulous shopping from over 200 brands, leading parenting experts offering advice on a range of topics, and amazing children?s entertainment

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.