Jump to content

Friend issue


  • Please log in to reply
23 replies to this topic

#1 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:45 AM

Thanks for the advice.

Edited by Tecopa, 15 April 2012 - 06:06 AM.


#2 Kay1

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:51 AM

Your friend is horrible. I would not be able to be friends with someone like that.

Especially if it was affecting me negatively and really in the circumstances how could it not?

#3 EsmeLennox

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:53 AM

I think your friend sounds rather shallow and self-absorbed and his behaviour would p*ss me off. In fact it would p*ss me off so much, I'd probably be turned off him and the friendship.

I hav no advice really, it's your friendship and you know whether it's worth it or not, but if I had a friend like that I think the friendship would probably end, or at least not be quite the friendship it once was.

#4 ~Delilah~

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:56 AM

I would struggle to continue a friendship like this. Selfishness and hateful are not an endearing qualities. I'd just let the friendship go quietly.



#5 opethmum

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:58 AM

Gay or straight some people can be total self absorbed SOBs. If he is continually making you uncomfortable then I suggest to talk to him and tell him what you are feeling about his attitude towards "fat" people. If he just does not get it or refuses to acknowledge your point of view then I suggest to move on and limit the contact between you.
People can be jerks and don't this one get you down.


#6 BadCat

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM

Yeah sorry but your friend sounds like a complete prick actually.  

He says he doesn't care about his date's feelings. He also said he doesn't care about your feelings.  I can't even begin to imagine why you would continue to see him.

Edited by BadCat, 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM.


#7 cinnabubble

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM

It's like him saying "I hate [insert name of your ethnic group] but you're OK". It's still hateful.

It's alright to be attracted to whoever you want, but it's not OK to lead people on.

#8 marnie27

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM

Your friend sounds like a jerk.

I have lots of gay friends that wouldn't date someone based on looks - the difference is they wouldn't string them along either.



#9 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:08 AM

He's done a few jerky things lately but the issue is my son is close to him - closest thing he has to a father figure so I guess if I'm going to withdraw from him I know it's going to break my son's heart not to see him often. I guess in my heart I'd moved him closer to "family" then friend due to his involvement with my boy and have had the attitude of ah well, can't pick family. But this one would be hard to overlook. And eventually my kid would start to pick up on those attitudes as well I guess.

#10 EsmeLennox

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:10 AM

Quite honestly, I would want to be limiting my child's exposure to someone with attitudes such as those your friend has.

#11 LambChop

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:13 AM

Why are you friends with him ?

#12 **Xena**

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:16 AM

QUOTE (marnie27 @ 13/04/2012, 10:02 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have lots of gay friends that wouldn't date someone based on looks - the difference is they wouldn't string them along either.


Same. I know lots of people that may choose not to date someone based on being overweight, but they don't hate overweight people it's an attraction thing same as I know lots of people who wouldn't date a smoker or really muscly people or super thin people. Superficial yes but we are attracted to what we are attracted to. However they don't go on and on about how gross they are! Also they wouldn't have a problem with those same qualities being in a friend.

I'd say your friend was either trying to be cool, has low self esteem or is just an a*s*hole.

#13 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:19 AM

,

Edited by Tecopa, 15 April 2012 - 06:06 AM.


#14 marnie27

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:30 AM

Now that you've given more info I wouldn't want him around my child. My kids dad (who is also gay) would never date someone overweight whilst DP and I both are. But he is nothing but supportive and respectful. He was there when our kids were both born and saw way more than any of us expected but he's only ever said kind things to my DP.

I'd be limiting the exposure of your friend and his arrogant attitude on your son if I were you.

#15 MuppetGirl

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:37 AM

I know you say you value his relationship with your son but is that the role you want for your boy? Someone who thinks looks are more important than personality, someone who would willingly play with another person emotions and not care what damage could be cause, someone who claims to care about you but continually does and says things to hurt you?

Those are not the lessons I want my children learning.

He doesn't sound like a very good friend or role model at all.

#16 la di dah

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:45 AM

There's a lot of people I'm not personally attracted to. Or my single friends aren't attracted to.

It's not wrong to be unattracted to someone, even for a silly reason. For example I am turned off by androgynous men even if on some level I can think they're pretty. I just can't feel "that."

So I don't date them. Being a little bit shallow is okay as far as who you look for romantically, no point in tying yourself into a relationship that leaves you feeling icky or forced. But it's no reason to lie or lead; if nothing else, every moment you spend with not-your-type guy is a moment you're not finding someone who, if not your life partner, is still at least Sexy!Fun, as isn't the whole point finding someone you either want to be with long term or someone who's Sexy!Fun...?

If you care about him as a friend I would say you were worried about him. Doesn't he know he's a great guy, (if he is) and he's worth someone who makes him truly happy, and not to waste both their time or try to settle. This time-biding with someone you find yucky is a sign of lack of confidence and self-worth IMO.

#17 marnie27

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:50 AM

QUOTE (la di dah @ 13/04/2012, 08:45 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If you care about him as a friend I would say you were worried about him. Doesn't he know he's a great guy, (if he is) and he's worth someone who makes him truly happy, and not to waste both their time or try to settle. This time-biding with someone you find yucky is a sign of lack of confidence and self-worth IMO.

True. Or it could just be that he's an asshat who gets off on someone fawning over him despite him having no attraction whatsoever?

#18 Wishing2011

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:03 AM

Sounds like an ex friend of mine. We donít talk anymore because she took her selfishness to a new level which didnít only affect me but upset and cost my friends and family quite a bit of money.

She used to tell me about guys and how she wasnít interested but just wanted to be Ďfriendsí yet she would lead them on hold hands and kiss them.. And when the guys started speaking about being in a relationship she just wouldnít get it! The way she treated them disgusted me.. The way she decided to hand her kids over to her ex husband for full custody because she wanted her life back shocked me.. But that was her choice and all the things I can see she has done that have affected myself and many other people just show how self absorbed she is. Maybe one day she will regret it or maybe not?

I would let him know that his comments offend you and that the right thing to do is to let this other person know that he just wants to be friends.. If he doesnít listen that is his choice but if the fat comments keep coming then I would say he isnít that great a friend.. BUT I donít know your situation or your friend. This is just my view as an outsider.. Hopefully he has had a think about what you have said and will think before he speaks.


#19 Z-girls rock

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:11 AM

I have a straight friend like that.

he would say things like "I could never go out with a girl with a figure like yours (curvey) because I just love fit girls so much" blah blah blah.

I always just told him I was perfectly fine and happy with how I looked and I bet I met someone before he did.

anyway years on I am happy, married, in love (my Hubby is even more round then me!). He is still single and alone wondering why he never meets anyone rolleyes.gif

I feel bad for my friend but, you know, he kind of has to figure out that it is his a-hole attitude that is keeping him for finding real happyness.

#20 Tesseract

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:43 AM

It's actually all about him, IMO.

It sounds like he is, underneath it all, a good person, but he has a massive inferiority complex. That's why he needs to criticize everyone, and that is why he continues to date people he doesn't like. Because at least then he is dating somebody, which in his eyes makes him a worthy human being. He clearly can't stand to be single and needs to put everyone down - classic self esteem issues.

The fact that he talks about hating fat bodies in front of you is so wrong. But I honestly think he doesn't understand that this would be insulting to you. And when you called him out on it he probably just clammed up and got defensive and said "don't take it personally!". Because in his view, deluded and self absorbed as it is, it isn't about you at all.

I have a friend who was so obsessed with being fat (she is a size 6-8) that she would go on and on about how fat she was, to me (size 14-16) and another friend of ours (size 18-20). We would sit there gobsmacked, but she honestly had no idea, she was so self obsessed she didn't see us at all.

If I were you I would give it a bit, then catch up with him and lay down the law. I would say something like "When you fat bash I actually find it really insulting, I don't want to hear that crap, and I don't want my son exposed to it. So don't do it in front of me."

He might get defensive again but will probably come around. He might eventually understand, or he might just chalk it up to you being sensitive, but hopefully he will respect your request nonetheless.

It sounds like you guys have a special friendship, I wouldn't want to end it over his self esteem issues, but I wouldn't want to put up with that talk either.

#21 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:35 PM

Thanks for that Tesseract - your post made a lot of sense. I'm liking hearing the other opinions too. I'm due to see him Sunday and glad I've got a few days to think about it all. Although is Facebook now says "Pash Rash" so I think he may be following the whole make out with him thing even though he doesn't want more ...Ack.

#22 MagsJee

Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:49 PM

QUOTE (MahnaMahna @ 13/04/2012, 10:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I know you say you value his relationship with your son but is that the role you want for your boy? Someone who thinks looks are more important than personality, someone who would willingly play with another person emotions and not care what damage could be cause, someone who claims to care about you but continually does and says things to hurt you?

Those are not the lessons I want my children learning.

He doesn't sound like a very good friend or role model at all.

yyes.gif   I'd be worried whether his affection for your son fell into that category as well, and that hurting your child (emotionally) wouldn't even register.  I imagine you think that your friend would never do that, but you probably didn't think he'd lead someone on in that manner either.



#23 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 03:32 PM

Good point and I guess I've been too worried to acknowledge I've seen a few signs that it might be that his affection for my kid is kinda of about how it reflects on him and makes him feel than actually what my son might need. He went through a withdrawn, sulky stage a while ago and didn't see my son who was missing him and when I asked about it he said, that he was sad and didn't want to be around my son sad, and was a little taken back when I said, the kid doesn't really care, all he knows is you aren't around anymore and doesn't understand.

#24 JustBeige

Posted 13 April 2012 - 03:38 PM

Tecopa, look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I think your friend is showing some classic markers for it and its not just being shallow and self absorbed.  (I hope I am wrong though).

I would honestly put some distance between yourselves at the moment. You need to be thinking about your son and whether this relationship is actually a positive one for him or not




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Heartwarming prank gives single mum the house she was hired to clean

Cara Simmons arrived at work to clean a large and beautiful house in time for a party planned for that evening. It was soon hers.

Why we should stop telling new parents to 'enjoy every moment'

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine had their first baby. As the proud dad texted me a picture I had to fight the natural instinct to say “Enjoy every moment!”

Transgender dad breastfeeds his babies

A transgender man who breastfed his first baby - despite having his breasts removed as part of his transformation from female to male - has now had a second child.

Couple face $1 million medical bill and bankruptcy after babymoon birth

A Canadian couple were slammed with a million dollar medical bill after their daughter was prematurely during their babymoon.

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Cigarettes, junk food dominate supermarket sales growth

One in every five dollars spent at supermarkets goes on cigarettes or junk food, according to industry data.

Teacher under fire for breastfeeding in class

There is no doubt mums have a right to continue breastfeeding after they have returned to work, but one teacher in the US has taken it to the extreme.

Video: Baby sniffs beardless dad to make sure it's him

She looks him up and down and then touches his chin, but baby Lindsey still isn't sure this clean-shaven man is her dad.

The tragedy of losing a favourite teddy bear

We were green and uninitiated, perhaps a little naïve when it came to the favourite toy responsibility.

It's possible to workout while pregnant

Medical experts say intense fitness routines can be done safely during pregnancy - if the mums-to-be follow some guidelines.

Baby for Asher Keddie and Vincent Fantauzzo

Fans followed every step of her on-screen pregnancy in Offspring, now Asher Keddie is going to be a mum in real life too.

What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong': the fight for Kaden's diagnosis

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reaction to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Empowering bikini photo of 46-year-old mum goes viral

When a group of teenagers made rude remarks about her body as she walked past them in a bikini at the local beach, Julie Cross refused to cover up.

Devastated widow discovers she's pregnant the day before husband's funeral

They had been trying to conceive a baby for seven years. Tragically Kristy Kirchner found out she was pregnant the day before her husband Royce's funeral.

Win a family pass to Disney Live!

We have 4 family passes to give away to see Disney Live! presents Three Classic Fairy Tales, touring Australia this December/January.

Gabriella Goat sues Peppa Pig

Every toddler's favourite television pig is being sued by an Italian woman who shares a name with a Peppa Pig character.

Meet the Mpregs, the male pregnancy enthusiasts

"Men can't have babies - that's something only women can do! But our community is full of like-minded people who wish otherwise."

Your new motherhood survival kit

Forget about the bright, pretty baby things - while you're in survival mode, all you'll need are the essentials.

More than 100,000 cars recalled globally after death of pregnant woman

The announcement of a mass recall comes as Malaysian police investigate the death of pregnant woman in July.

I had a 'good baby' but still suffered from postnatal depression

I had a much wanted precious baby girl, a 'good baby' who slept well, self settled and was mostly content. It just seemed implausible to think I could succumb to depression.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Join PADDINGTON on the red carpet!

To celebrate the release of PADDINGTON, we are giving five lucky winners the chance to win a family pass to the exclusive Australian Premiere in Sydney on December 7!

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

'It's not you, it's me': Boston bombing survivor mum to have leg amputated

Rebekah DiMartino is going through a break-up. She even wrote a farewell love letter. But it's not to her husband.

What it's like to go through early menopause

In a cruel twist, Carla had been breastfeeding and perimenopausal at the same time. But she's far from the only one to go through menopause early.

Restaurant served alcohol to two-year-old

Busy restaurants can be forgiven for getting food and drink orders mixed up from time to time, but not when the confusion leads to a two-year-old being served an alcoholic cocktail instead of the child-friendly beverage they ordered.

Julia Morris tells of miscarriage on a flight

Julia Morris has spoken about the devastation of suffering a miscarriage while on an international flight.

Woman's survival after birth 'a story of two miracles'

A US mother is home and tending to her new baby less than a month after surviving without a pulse for 45 minutes.

Eating ice may give mental boost to the iron deficient: study

A new study proposes that, like a strong cup of coffee, ice may give those with insufficient iron a much-needed mental boost.

Tiny lives in caring hands: Thank U NICU Day

Each year in Australia, over 40,000 newborns need the help of a special care nursery or neonatal intensive care unit. One day a year, the staff are honoured by the parents they help through those dark days.

I paid $50,000 to have a girl

This time my husband and I hadn't taken any chances. We had paid $50,000 and travelled 13,000 kilometres to make sure the baby growing inside me was female.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Dear firstborn, I'm sorry

Being a first-time mum is tough for so many reasons – particularly because you really have no idea what you're doing.

A trace of sesame could kill my son

Helen Richardson son's had two anaphylactic reactions in a month. It's traumatic for everyone.

When you know before the test says yes

It wasn't a pregnancy test or missed period that told me I was pregnant with my second baby; it was too early for those things. A doner kebab told me I was going to be a mum again.

What not to do when your partner is in labour

Robbie Williams stole the show during his wife Ayda's labour, pretty much demonstrating everything on the "what not to do when your partner is in labour" list.

Best maternity swimwear and beach cover-ups

Thinking about a tropical babymoon but have nothing to wear? Here are some great swimwear and beach cover-up options for mums-to-be.

'Chopstick Baby' born at 23 weeks

Given the nickname of 'Chopstick Baby' by local media, a baby born weighing 660g has survived a week outside the womb.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.