Jump to content

Friend issue


  • Please log in to reply
23 replies to this topic

#1 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:45 AM

Thanks for the advice.

Edited by Tecopa, 15 April 2012 - 06:06 AM.


#2 Kay1

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:51 AM

Your friend is horrible. I would not be able to be friends with someone like that.

Especially if it was affecting me negatively and really in the circumstances how could it not?

#3 EsmeLennox

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:53 AM

I think your friend sounds rather shallow and self-absorbed and his behaviour would p*ss me off. In fact it would p*ss me off so much, I'd probably be turned off him and the friendship.

I hav no advice really, it's your friendship and you know whether it's worth it or not, but if I had a friend like that I think the friendship would probably end, or at least not be quite the friendship it once was.

#4 ~Delilah~

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:56 AM

I would struggle to continue a friendship like this. Selfishness and hateful are not an endearing qualities. I'd just let the friendship go quietly.



#5 opethmum

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:58 AM

Gay or straight some people can be total self absorbed SOBs. If he is continually making you uncomfortable then I suggest to talk to him and tell him what you are feeling about his attitude towards "fat" people. If he just does not get it or refuses to acknowledge your point of view then I suggest to move on and limit the contact between you.
People can be jerks and don't this one get you down.


#6 BadCat

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM

Yeah sorry but your friend sounds like a complete prick actually.  

He says he doesn't care about his date's feelings. He also said he doesn't care about your feelings.  I can't even begin to imagine why you would continue to see him.

Edited by BadCat, 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM.


#7 cinnabubble

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM

It's like him saying "I hate [insert name of your ethnic group] but you're OK". It's still hateful.

It's alright to be attracted to whoever you want, but it's not OK to lead people on.

#8 marnie27

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:02 AM

Your friend sounds like a jerk.

I have lots of gay friends that wouldn't date someone based on looks - the difference is they wouldn't string them along either.



#9 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:08 AM

He's done a few jerky things lately but the issue is my son is close to him - closest thing he has to a father figure so I guess if I'm going to withdraw from him I know it's going to break my son's heart not to see him often. I guess in my heart I'd moved him closer to "family" then friend due to his involvement with my boy and have had the attitude of ah well, can't pick family. But this one would be hard to overlook. And eventually my kid would start to pick up on those attitudes as well I guess.

#10 EsmeLennox

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:10 AM

Quite honestly, I would want to be limiting my child's exposure to someone with attitudes such as those your friend has.

#11 LambChop

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:13 AM

Why are you friends with him ?

#12 **Xena**

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:16 AM

QUOTE (marnie27 @ 13/04/2012, 10:02 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have lots of gay friends that wouldn't date someone based on looks - the difference is they wouldn't string them along either.


Same. I know lots of people that may choose not to date someone based on being overweight, but they don't hate overweight people it's an attraction thing same as I know lots of people who wouldn't date a smoker or really muscly people or super thin people. Superficial yes but we are attracted to what we are attracted to. However they don't go on and on about how gross they are! Also they wouldn't have a problem with those same qualities being in a friend.

I'd say your friend was either trying to be cool, has low self esteem or is just an a*s*hole.

#13 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:19 AM

,

Edited by Tecopa, 15 April 2012 - 06:06 AM.


#14 marnie27

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:30 AM

Now that you've given more info I wouldn't want him around my child. My kids dad (who is also gay) would never date someone overweight whilst DP and I both are. But he is nothing but supportive and respectful. He was there when our kids were both born and saw way more than any of us expected but he's only ever said kind things to my DP.

I'd be limiting the exposure of your friend and his arrogant attitude on your son if I were you.

#15 MuppetGirl

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:37 AM

I know you say you value his relationship with your son but is that the role you want for your boy? Someone who thinks looks are more important than personality, someone who would willingly play with another person emotions and not care what damage could be cause, someone who claims to care about you but continually does and says things to hurt you?

Those are not the lessons I want my children learning.

He doesn't sound like a very good friend or role model at all.

#16 la di dah

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:45 AM

There's a lot of people I'm not personally attracted to. Or my single friends aren't attracted to.

It's not wrong to be unattracted to someone, even for a silly reason. For example I am turned off by androgynous men even if on some level I can think they're pretty. I just can't feel "that."

So I don't date them. Being a little bit shallow is okay as far as who you look for romantically, no point in tying yourself into a relationship that leaves you feeling icky or forced. But it's no reason to lie or lead; if nothing else, every moment you spend with not-your-type guy is a moment you're not finding someone who, if not your life partner, is still at least Sexy!Fun, as isn't the whole point finding someone you either want to be with long term or someone who's Sexy!Fun...?

If you care about him as a friend I would say you were worried about him. Doesn't he know he's a great guy, (if he is) and he's worth someone who makes him truly happy, and not to waste both their time or try to settle. This time-biding with someone you find yucky is a sign of lack of confidence and self-worth IMO.

#17 marnie27

Posted 13 April 2012 - 10:50 AM

QUOTE (la di dah @ 13/04/2012, 08:45 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If you care about him as a friend I would say you were worried about him. Doesn't he know he's a great guy, (if he is) and he's worth someone who makes him truly happy, and not to waste both their time or try to settle. This time-biding with someone you find yucky is a sign of lack of confidence and self-worth IMO.

True. Or it could just be that he's an asshat who gets off on someone fawning over him despite him having no attraction whatsoever?

#18 Wishing2011

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:03 AM

Sounds like an ex friend of mine. We donít talk anymore because she took her selfishness to a new level which didnít only affect me but upset and cost my friends and family quite a bit of money.

She used to tell me about guys and how she wasnít interested but just wanted to be Ďfriendsí yet she would lead them on hold hands and kiss them.. And when the guys started speaking about being in a relationship she just wouldnít get it! The way she treated them disgusted me.. The way she decided to hand her kids over to her ex husband for full custody because she wanted her life back shocked me.. But that was her choice and all the things I can see she has done that have affected myself and many other people just show how self absorbed she is. Maybe one day she will regret it or maybe not?

I would let him know that his comments offend you and that the right thing to do is to let this other person know that he just wants to be friends.. If he doesnít listen that is his choice but if the fat comments keep coming then I would say he isnít that great a friend.. BUT I donít know your situation or your friend. This is just my view as an outsider.. Hopefully he has had a think about what you have said and will think before he speaks.


#19 Z-girls rock

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:11 AM

I have a straight friend like that.

he would say things like "I could never go out with a girl with a figure like yours (curvey) because I just love fit girls so much" blah blah blah.

I always just told him I was perfectly fine and happy with how I looked and I bet I met someone before he did.

anyway years on I am happy, married, in love (my Hubby is even more round then me!). He is still single and alone wondering why he never meets anyone rolleyes.gif

I feel bad for my friend but, you know, he kind of has to figure out that it is his a-hole attitude that is keeping him for finding real happyness.

#20 Tesseract

Posted 13 April 2012 - 11:43 AM

It's actually all about him, IMO.

It sounds like he is, underneath it all, a good person, but he has a massive inferiority complex. That's why he needs to criticize everyone, and that is why he continues to date people he doesn't like. Because at least then he is dating somebody, which in his eyes makes him a worthy human being. He clearly can't stand to be single and needs to put everyone down - classic self esteem issues.

The fact that he talks about hating fat bodies in front of you is so wrong. But I honestly think he doesn't understand that this would be insulting to you. And when you called him out on it he probably just clammed up and got defensive and said "don't take it personally!". Because in his view, deluded and self absorbed as it is, it isn't about you at all.

I have a friend who was so obsessed with being fat (she is a size 6-8) that she would go on and on about how fat she was, to me (size 14-16) and another friend of ours (size 18-20). We would sit there gobsmacked, but she honestly had no idea, she was so self obsessed she didn't see us at all.

If I were you I would give it a bit, then catch up with him and lay down the law. I would say something like "When you fat bash I actually find it really insulting, I don't want to hear that crap, and I don't want my son exposed to it. So don't do it in front of me."

He might get defensive again but will probably come around. He might eventually understand, or he might just chalk it up to you being sensitive, but hopefully he will respect your request nonetheless.

It sounds like you guys have a special friendship, I wouldn't want to end it over his self esteem issues, but I wouldn't want to put up with that talk either.

#21 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:35 PM

Thanks for that Tesseract - your post made a lot of sense. I'm liking hearing the other opinions too. I'm due to see him Sunday and glad I've got a few days to think about it all. Although is Facebook now says "Pash Rash" so I think he may be following the whole make out with him thing even though he doesn't want more ...Ack.

#22 MagsJee

Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:49 PM

QUOTE (MahnaMahna @ 13/04/2012, 10:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I know you say you value his relationship with your son but is that the role you want for your boy? Someone who thinks looks are more important than personality, someone who would willingly play with another person emotions and not care what damage could be cause, someone who claims to care about you but continually does and says things to hurt you?

Those are not the lessons I want my children learning.

He doesn't sound like a very good friend or role model at all.

yyes.gif   I'd be worried whether his affection for your son fell into that category as well, and that hurting your child (emotionally) wouldn't even register.  I imagine you think that your friend would never do that, but you probably didn't think he'd lead someone on in that manner either.



#23 Tecopa

Posted 13 April 2012 - 03:32 PM

Good point and I guess I've been too worried to acknowledge I've seen a few signs that it might be that his affection for my kid is kinda of about how it reflects on him and makes him feel than actually what my son might need. He went through a withdrawn, sulky stage a while ago and didn't see my son who was missing him and when I asked about it he said, that he was sad and didn't want to be around my son sad, and was a little taken back when I said, the kid doesn't really care, all he knows is you aren't around anymore and doesn't understand.

#24 JustBeige

Posted 13 April 2012 - 03:38 PM

Tecopa, look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I think your friend is showing some classic markers for it and its not just being shallow and self absorbed.  (I hope I am wrong though).

I would honestly put some distance between yourselves at the moment. You need to be thinking about your son and whether this relationship is actually a positive one for him or not




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Tell us what you think

to WIN 1 of 2 $500 Coles/Myer gift cards

Dealing with a toddler's morning tantrums

Your schedule is not important to your two-year-old, and you cannot convince her otherwise. So what can you do?

Child in suitcase 'could have died eight years ago'

A child whose remains were dumped in a suitcase in the South Australian bush is believed to have been a girl aged between two-and-a-half to four.

MP breastfeeds baby during parliamentary session

An Argentinian mum and politician has caused a stir on social media after being filmed breastfeeding her baby.

My baby's first seizure

It was 1am on a cold winter's night when I woke suddenly to the screams of my 12-month-old son. Our lives were about to change forever.

Portable pools 'more dangerous than permanent ones'

Inflatable and portable children's pools may be required to be sold with compulsory fencing to prevent backyard drownings, with some experts even floating the idea of a ban.

Heartbreaking moment mum kisses her one-week-old goodbye

At 11.07am on April 2 this year, Sarah Marriott welcomed baby Sebastian into the world.

The amazing Tee Pee bed and kid-friendly Frankie Bunk bed

These kids' beds definitely fit the brief of providing personality and personal space for little people who are moving up in the world.

The funny things kids say when you're pregnant

Since becoming noticeably pregnant, my son has taken more of an interest in the sibling he'll soon have.

The real problem with having one child

In this age of political correctness, it seems the one subject still subject to discrimination is that of the Only Child.

Six-week-old baby found dead, believed stabbed

A neighbour heard a child screaming before a baby was found dead, believed to have been stabbed, in a house in Newcastle.

The fire hazard in more than 70,000 Australian homes

So far, 206 Samsung washing machines have caught fire and some have exploded. But many remain in people's homes.

How having a baby can bring on OCD

We all know that having a baby can turn your life upside down - and it can also bring a raft of new anxieties and worries.

IVF gender selection being considered for Australian parents

Couples using IVF may be able to choose the gender of their babies and women could be financially compensated for donating their eggs.

The best age to get married (according to the latest study)

Not too young, and not too old. That's reportedly the best age to get married. Not everyone agrees.

Yes, you can get pregnant before your period returns post-baby

After giving birth, the last thing you want to think about is contraception. But you can get pregnant before your period comes back.

Fellow diner rewards mum after toddler's tantrum

Parents of toddlers everywhere know the feeling. After working up the courage to take your child out for lunch or dinner in public you are rewarded with a mid-meal meltdown. 

IKEA begins massive safety campaign after two toddler deaths

Two children were killed when pieces from their Malm furniture line tipped over.

Beaneasy: sweet nursery furniture with a twist

If you're looking to introduce an organic element into your baby's nursery but want to step away from natural timber, we have the perfect alternative.

A dad's guide to hyperemesis

I am in no way qualified to advise women on how to cope with hyperemesis, but I've learnt some lessons that might be worth sharing with other partners.

Woman adopts best friend's four daughters after cancer tragedy

Best friends share everything - and for these two life-long friends, that includes family.

Baby Leo's mum excluded from $500K trust 'for her own protection'

Samuel Forrest didn't want his wife as a trustee of their baby Leo's half million dollar trust for her own "protection", it has emerged.

Confirmed: men gain weight when they become dads

Men who become fathers experience weight gain and an increase in body mass index, a measurement of body fat based on height and weight, according to a new, large-scale study

Carer investigated over washing machine photo posted 'for a laugh'

She said the photo of a boy with Down syndrome in a washing machine was taken just for fun, but no one else was laughing.

Mum's premature labour nightmare after high tea salmonella outbreak

An opulent high tea at a luxury Melbourne hotel has left 44 people with salmonella poisoning - including a pregnant woman, who went into early labour.

The day my son started a fire

Would you know what to do in a fire emergency? How safe is your home and family?

Prince George celebrates second birthday

Prince George's second birthday has been marked by the release of an official picture showing the toddler smiling as he is held by his proud beaming father.

Which beauty treatments are safe in pregnancy?

Is it safe to use fake tan, hair dye and nail varnish during pregnancy?

The five ways I know my 'baby' is no longer a baby

The truth is, I can no longer deny that my walking, babbling, somewhat-independent little miss is no longer a bona fide 'baby'.

Review: Cybex Platinum PRIAM pram

I'm not usually one who believes in love at first sight but that's exactly what happened when I first saw the Cybex PRIAM.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Tell us what you think

to WIN 1 of 2 $500 Coles/Myer gift cards

Why I'm choosing to be a single mother right from the start

I believe that you get out of families what you put into them, and I will give mine my all.

Mother and baby units are a necessity for mental health, not a luxury

I have had two postnatal psychotic episodes. The first when my eldest child was six weeks old, and another after my second child was born.

30 French baby names

French names are always in fashion, but a few have risen in popularity in recent years.

New mum's Spanish maternity nightmare

A British woman who gave birth in Spain has told of her ordeal after spending weeks trying to convince medics the baby girl was hers.

Preparing Rover to be a good dog with baby

Some friends of ours say that it's dangerous to have a dog around a newborn and that we should start looking for a new home for him. Is it?

Company offers to ship working mums' breast milk home

First Apple and Facebook announced they would pay $20,000 towards the cost of their female employees freezing their eggs, now IBM in the US has come up with an innovative new policy aimed at retaining female employees.

Prince William speaks of his pride at wife Kate and 'little joy of heaven' Charlotte

The Duke of Cambridge opened up about family life and his plans for the future in an interview to mark his first day as an air ambulance pilot.

'Glowing' eye saves baby Mason's life

A simple photo taken in front of an evening fire gave new mother Sarah Bowers the power to save her baby's life. 

Parenting and decision overload

Of all the advice people told me before having a baby, no one warned me about the amount of decisions involved.

Proof that toddlers can't be left unsupervised - ever

Parents of toddlers all know the moment when realise your child is being suspiciously quiet. It can only mean one thing - trouble!

Meet Jeremy Ryan, The Voice contestant with seven kids

If you have trouble recalling the ages of Jeremy Ryan's seven children on The Voice, you're not alone. So does he.

Baby's adorable reaction to wearing glasses for the first time

Getting glasses can be a formative moment in a person's life.

Police officer buys supplies for family after mum of six caught shoplifting

When a mum of six was caught shoplifting nappies, clothes and shoes for her kids, the last thing she expected was for a stranger to pay for her haul.

Why pregnant women on antidepressants shouldn’t panic about birth defect claims

The risk of having uncontrolled depression is far greater than the small increased risk of birth defects that may be associated with specific antidepressants.

Arrests made over children's birthday party brawl

Police have raided properties and arrested a number of people over a brawl at a child's birthday party at a play centre in Sydney's west.

Family shares awesome drone baby announcement

Looking for a creative way to share some big news? Look to the skies, like this family did.

Young warrior Owen defies doctors' predictions

Little Owen DiCandilo's name means "young warrior", and it's a description that perfectly fits the inspiring 18-month-old

Advice for dads: when to approach your wife for sex

The exhaustion that comes with caring for young children often means romance between parents becomes a thing of the past.

I might be fat, but I don't need saving

I've been fat for pretty much most of life, besides a few crazy moments of being less-fat, but for the most part I've existed on this earth with a little more meat on my bones than desirable.

The rookie mistakes we make as parents

Since the dawn of civilisation, generation after generation of new parents have had to rely on instinct, trial and error - and sometimes get it wrong.

 

FREE TICKET

See Pinky McKay live in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.