Jump to content

Choosing to have a child even though I'm single
(calm and thoughtful comments appreciated)


  • Please log in to reply
64 replies to this topic

#1 MaybeMumSoonish

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:12 PM

I've been thinking about asking this question of EBer's for a while. (It's a touchy issue, so please don't arc up too much.)

Background:

When i first joined EB, I was young(er), had a gorgeous partner, and looking forward to buying a house, having kids, making a life and a home, the whole she-bang.

Fast forward a few years and my partner suddenly blurts out that he doesn't want kids. Although I would have given up the notion of kids to be with him, if that's what he really wanted, the suddenness of his change of heart (no discussion, no warning) and several other issues that rapidly cropped up (also no discussion, no warning) eventually destroyed the relationship. And almost took me with it (I tried to do 'something silly' as my mum would say).

Now it's been a year (and 16 days. Not that I'm counting). I'm over my grief at the loss of him and the relationship. I've even dated a little bit.

But I'm really introverted and unlikely to meet anyone I would love and trust again (it was a bit of a fluke the first time around), enough to have kids with anyway. But I go gooey every time I see a baby, I dote on my brother's kids, and I'm really conscious of that ticking clock (30 next birthday!). I have a good job, no debt, a family who would help, but I also have no assets to speak of, no support beyond my immediate relatives, and while I'm not likely to do 'something silly' again, my depression is for life. (Runs in the family, I've been diagnosed since a teenager.)

So the big question is:


Should I get pregnant and have a kid? By myself? Willingly choose single-motherhood?

Or resign myself to being childless forever?



#2 cinnabubble

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:16 PM

I think your dichotomy is artificial.

Childfree and single at 30 =/= forever. You have time to wait and build your career and assets. You're still grieving (counting the days). It's not the right time to be making big decisions.

#3 *Lena*

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:20 PM

I would many mothers are single parents and do a great job why wouldn't you. I don't see why you should miss out. There is plenty of men out there that are happy to get in relationship with women with children if you find someone later in life.

#4 Expelliarmus

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:21 PM

You're 30. Hardly over the hill and hardly single forever, and hardly at the end of your childbearing years. Resignation to childlessness is a tad overdramatic.

#5 Futureself

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:22 PM

QUOTE (MaybeMumSoonish @ 11/04/2012, 06:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Should I get pregnant and have a kid? By myself? Willingly choose single-motherhood?

Or resign myself to being childless forever?

I don't think you're at the stage as yet where these are your only options.
I think very much that you have plenty of time to grow, gain more strength and understanding with/of your depression and meet someone who will be a true partner to you. You are not even 30 yet, that is young and you have time. Plenty of time! I say this as someone who has had many discussions with someone close to me that at 38 she will go it alone and have a child as a single woman. She is 35, nearly 36 now with no boyfriend in sight. I am 100% supportive of this and understand completely why she doesn't want to forgo motherhood.

I am also concerned that you say that you are so introverted that you have 'no support' apart from immediate family - I think everyone needs friends, outlets and interests and am concerned that you want to fill all roles in your life with a baby/child. That's not ok, and not a healthy expectation of a child. They can't be your everything.

Go, seek friendships, explore hobbies, travel and be a 29 year old. Revisit this in another 8 years if you're in the same place.  original.gif

#6 Moo point

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:22 PM

I understand the "going gooey" over babies but I've always been like that - and even then didn't know if I ever wanted kids.

Although I'm fairly outgoing, I had a lot of misses in the relationship stakes and didn't meet my DH until I was 33. We are expecting our first baby and I just turned 37.

My point is, as PPs have said, just because you're single and childless at 30 doesn't mean it is forever. The right man may be just around the corner, and unless you're aware of any pressing fertility problems (ie early menopause) then you still have time on your side. And it is good to have more of a financial buffer if you do decide to go it alone.

FWIW, my DH is a little introverted, and we met online - perhaps when you are over the grief and have a handle on your depression (as I think you may need some more time) you could look into this? It's a way to meet people on your own terms.


#7 noonehere

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:24 PM

Is it a possibility to put some eggs aside for just in case and then wait a few years?


Is it a possibility to put some eggs aside for just in case and then wait a few years?


#8 ali27

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:25 PM

According to statistics, most women today are yet to have their first child at 30. So I think you are thinking about this decision quite a few years too prematurely.
Although I don't think it is necessarily a poor decision to have a child on your own, I think you need to put the idea on hold for a while longer.

#9 katniss

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:28 PM

It's a very personal decision. I personally couldn't have because my boys were challenging babies & I didn't have much family help.

My friend, however, became a mum 7 months ago through IVF as a single woman. She had dreamt of being a mum forever & her relationships just didn't work out & found herself facing being childless in her mid-30s. She lives next to her parents & has their 100% support - they even helped her with newborn night duty. Her baby girl is also very good & sleeps very well. Her parents are very well off so she has a lot of advantages on her side that not every mother does.

You are still young but I don't think it's wrong to start thinking about it. You do need to keep in mind that it can take time to get pregnant through IVF (as it can naturally too). Also my friend was on the waiting list for a couple of years because apparently donors can specify only couples. From memory it was a good 4 years before she actually conceived.

Edited by BubbleWitch, 11 April 2012 - 06:35 PM.


#10 Polly Esther

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:29 PM

Having a baby is effing hard, and there's no way I'd do it alone, willingly, unless it were seriously the last chance I had.

It's not. You're not even 30 yet... and meeting someone once you have kids become harder, so you may be choosing to be a single parent for a very long time.

Will you be working when you have your child? Will you be able to find childcare for the hours you work? Will it work out cost-effective to work? How will you handle paying for household bills while you're off work (yes, there is paid maternity leave, but you may require more time off work, and you might find it's not enough anyway)? Will you be able to manage having a job and dealing with a baby/toddler/young child without the aid of a partner?

Of course all of these may be done... but will they be a struggle? It's always nice to make life a bit easier if you can... and you're not going to enjoy motherhood much if you're spending all your time working, or feeling like you're about to die because you're so effing tired.

You also might wish that you had someone to share your child with... not just hte care of the child, but the "moments," that only a parent can really appreciate. It can be hard to have nobody who's an interested in your child as you are... it sounds like such a little thing, but little things can grate after a while.

Anyway, my advice would be to wait and try to find someone you're compatible with. You've got more time before you're too old for kids, and it might make life a whole lot easier on everyone if you just wait a few years before considering children again.

#11 Isolabella

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:30 PM

QUOTE
My point is, as PPs have said, just because you're single and childless at 30 doesn't mean it is forever. The right man may be just around the corner, and unless you're aware of any pressing fertility problems (ie early menopause) then you still have time on your side. And it is good to have more of a financial buffer if you do decide to go it alone.


Most of my friends have met their partner post 35 and at 37 are having their babies. 30 is too young to call it quits.

As PP mentioned that you are counting from breakup in days you are not over it and not in a frame of mind to be making such big decisions.

Oh yeah, I am a total introvert (score 99% on Myers Briggs for Introvert). DH is also an introvert (only scores under 10%). We met while on holiday.... a holiday romance that is still going strong 14yrs later (Plus marriage, house and 3 kids).

Get out and experience life and you never know what is around the corner.

ETA: The holiday I met DH on was one I took to 'get over' a bad breakup and went with the idea that I was NOT going to be my usual shy person but put myself 'out' there. I was the one who looked up, saw DH across the bar and wandered up to say 'Hi'. 8hrs later we were still chatting, sitting at the end of  a pier watching the sun rise. I left my holiday 3 days before DH. I returned to Syd.... he returned to Melb. On the day he arrived back I sent a flirty email. We emailed lots during that day and by the end of the day I had invited DH to Syd for NYE which was 4wks away. The rest as they say is history. If it had not been me getting out of my comfort zone I would never have met DH.

Edited by lsolaBella, 11 April 2012 - 06:41 PM.


#12 bakesgirls

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:34 PM

I think you are the only person who can answer that question. Not randoms on the internet. After all, you are the one who will be affected by whatever descision you make, not people on EB.

#13 Peridot

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:34 PM

QUOTE
Having a baby is effing hard, and there's no way I'd do it alone, willingly, unless it were seriously the last chance I had.

Oh so true oomg.gif

I'd definitely wait until at least 35 before making this decision. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be raising a baby yourself, giving birth and going through all those newborn nights alone, no one next to you in bed at night to share thoughts and feelings, and special newborn memories with.

All the best for whatever you choose though OP original.gif

#14 follies

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:35 PM

Are you asking as you want a child now or because you are scared you will not meet someone later?

I would give yourself a time frame of 4 years to actively meet someone else in the same place in life and be in a better place financially, then ask this question again.

Even introverted people marry and have kids.

#15 ~Panda~

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:45 PM

If it were me, I'd wait a few more years. But I'm not you. I think you really need to sit down and weigh everything up.

#16 123tree

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:52 PM

QUOTE (bakesgirls @ 11/04/2012, 06:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think you are the only person who can answer that question. Not randoms on the internet. After all, you are the one who will be affected by whatever descision you make, not people on EB.


So true.

My opinion on most things people raise on EB is IF YOU HAVE TO ASK THE QUESTION YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER.

You know how you will deal with this.  Also think how will I deal with a sick or disabled child?  Are you still confident with your decision.

Also being a mother to a small child can be very lonely at times.

#17 Kay1

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:58 PM

I think you are too young and too freshly out of a broken relationship to be seriously considering having a child on your own.

I was desperately clucky for about 5 years before we had a baby - we wanted to be established first - DH wanted to wait longer etc. Around late 20s early 30s that biological clock really gets ticking so I can understand why you are thinking this way.

Personally I'd give it another year or two at least. I have many friends who met someone well after they turned 30, got married and are having children now. I also have a friend who didn't meet someone and so at 37 made the decision to become a mother even though she is single. She has lots of support, the father is involved but its still very, very hard.

Bear in mind that having a child will make it much, much harder to find a life partner (if for no other reason that you just won't go out as much) and it sounds like that is something you do want from life.

#18 Princess Bubblegum

Posted 11 April 2012 - 06:59 PM

When I was younger my best friend and I made a pact that if we were both single at 30 we would go together to get donor sperm and go down the AI route. I fell pregnant at 21, she got married at 30 and now has two daughters. Thinking about that now, I think 30 is still too young to consider it being the end of days regarding childbearing.

I became a single mum when I was 22 and my DD was 5 months old. It was a very hard road to travel alone, even with my family's support. I have strong memories of holding my DD who would not stop crying, while I was sobbing uncontrollably because it was just so overwhelming. Motherhood was the first thing I had ever done in my life that I could 'get out of' if I didn't feel like dealing with it (or just flat out couldn't deal with it). I met my DP 2 years later, and have two boys with him.

I hate that my DD has a different dad to her brothers (even though her dad is a very good dad now, and we are good friends).

I hate that DP and I didn't get to share the experience of our first pregnancy together.

And one to to really consider is that if you have a baby now, you will NEVER have the chance to have that lovely "just us" time with any future partner, as you will almost always have your child with you. It doesn't sound like much, but I am sad that DP and I missed out on that time together.

I recommend waiting, but perhaps if you are feeling confident enough to deal with a baby alone, direct that confidence towards pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone and put yourself out there a little bit more, and you never know, the most amazing guy might be out there too.

#19 MaybeMumSoonish

Posted 11 April 2012 - 07:01 PM

Some great posts, thank you ladies all. Pls keep em coming.

#20 podg

Posted 11 April 2012 - 07:02 PM

I'm very introverted and was single (with maybe 3 brief glitches and a very sad missed opportunity) from 25 to 32. Then I met DH... and at 40 I'm expecting baby #4.

I agree with others, a baby/child/parenting is really hard work alone, and you sound like you haven't made the headspace for another relationship yet.

It might be the right thing for you to try for pregnancy alone. I would leave it for a few years though, and work on being really happy in your life as it is. It will set you up for a new relationship - with a child, or a partner.

Good luck either way.

#21 Balto1

Posted 11 April 2012 - 07:09 PM

I kind of understand where you are coming from with the worry that you won't meet someone else. Had I not met DH, I believe I would still be single today.

You may meet someone, you may not. As PPs have said, having a child is a huge thing, especially when you are single. Having a child also impacts on your chances of meeting someone down the track.

Just a thought- have you considered investigating egg freezing while you are in your late 20s, early 30s? This way, you can potentially extend your fertility for a few more years to give you some wiggle room (you still have a few years of natural wiggle room anyway). Nb- I don't know much about egg freezing and like any fertility matter, there are no guarantees.

#22 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 11 April 2012 - 07:10 PM

i would ask myself again in 5yrs.
in the meantime work or building relationaships

#23 Angelina Ballerina

Posted 11 April 2012 - 07:12 PM

Give yourself a few more years.

A lot can change.

Plenty of people have gone from single to married with a child in under a year.

#24 BetteBoop

Posted 11 April 2012 - 07:14 PM

I met my DH at 30 and had a baby with him at 35. Most of my friends had their first child between the ages of 33 and 40.

You still have plenty of time to try for the ideal in your head. In a few years if that doesn't work out, then reassess.

Otherwise, why not enoy being single for a while? From what I can remember of being single and 30, it's an awesome lifestyle.

It's quite possible, in a few years time if you're holding a screaming toddler with a belly full of arms and legs standing beside the last man you'll ever have sex with, you might come to look back wistfully on this time.

I do.

Sigh.



#25 indigo~

Posted 11 April 2012 - 07:23 PM

Hi OP,

I am 40 and currently 12w pregnant, the result of doing IVF on my own so will be a single mum by choice. As per PP, I would suggest waiting. You're still quite young and have plenty of time to meet your future partner.

If I could choose, I wouldn't be doing this on my own. But i got to the age where it was crunch time and I decided I preferred the thought of doing it in my own to never being a mum at all. I got to 38 and a half and thought I'd better get cracking.

Two things I'd mention: IVF took longer than I had expected (18 months and 9 stim cycles) and it was really expensive. If you are doing IVF for "social reasons" with no medical reasons to need assisted conception, then you are not eligible for medicare rebates.

So if you are thinking about it *much* later on down the track, start saving a really good nest egg now. You'll want to be as financially secure as possible before starting out.

On the topic of freezing eggs, it can be done now for social reasons, but the success rate for freezing and then defrosting eggs is still quite low. It's much less successful than freezing embryos. So you may need to do multiple stim cycles to freeze enough eggs to make it worthwhile. Again, no Medicare rebates for egg freezing for social reasons.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Win a copy of 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

To celebrate the launch of EB member and contributor Julia's Watson's first book, we have five copies of Breakfast, School Run, Chemo give away.

Electronic tags may keep newborns safe

The possibility of using electronic bracelets for mothers and their newborn babies is being investigated by Adelaide's Women's and Children's Hospital. 

Baby steps: when your little one starts walking

As a parent there are so many milestones to look forward to. That first smile, first word - and, of course, that first step.

Julia Watson's new book 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

Tomorrow my friend Julia launches her first book. And while we're all overjoyed, the success is tinged with sadness. You see, Julia has stage 4 bowel cancer.

How not to name twins

Call me boring, but I don't think that when it comes to choosing my twins' names is the right time to use a good pun.

Fun Sunny Life pool inflatables just for babies

The babies of 2015 will thus be thrilled to paddle their happy baby legs in these brand new flamingo and swan baby inflatables.

Breastfeeding basics for beginners

Here are 10 tips to help make breastfeeding successful and stress free for both you and your baby as quickly as possible.

Girl smothers baby brother with peanut butter

This mum had a big clean up job on her hands.

How to hide those under eye shadows

Pandas are the only ones who benefit from under-eye shadows. If you're not fluffy and cute, you'll just look tired.

Young mum dies after being denied pap smear

A mother has died after she was denied a pap smear because she was deemed "too young" to need it.

Birthday cakes banned at childcare centre

A childcare centre in Sydney has banned birthday cakes after parent complaints about excessive sugar and children with allergies being left out.

Triplet surprise for newlyweds

As the radiographer moved the wand over her abdomen, Shelley King got the surprise of her life.

3 yummy Thermomix baby and toddler recipes

Louise Fulton Keats shares her recipes for babies and toddlers, including corn and sweet pikelets, pumpkin and pea risotto, and cheesy bunny biscuits.

Man arrested over toddler Nikki's death

A 31-year-old man has been arrested over the death of two-year-old Nikki Francis-Coslovich in Mildura.

Adoption ban on pregnant women to be lifted

Pregnant women will no longer be barred from adoption waiting lists in NSW, after the Baird Government decided the practice was discriminatory.

Are you getting enough magnesium?

Magnesium is the fourth most abundant mineral in the body, but we don't talk enough about it and the vital role it plays in great health and energy, as well as disease prevention.

5 workplace lessons for new parents

Take heart in these principles that will transfer seamlessly from the workplace into your new life as a parent.

Mums to follow on Instagram

A creative outlet for many, there are some savvy women complementing their blogs and businesses with riveting Instagrams feeds. We've chosen a few which have bucketloads of appeal; there are some big time players and some smaller local ones, and they each bring their special brand of magic to the Instagram experience.

Review: The Volvo 2015 XC90 SUV has all the safety features your family needs

The new Volvo XC90 SUV's focus on keeping you safe does not come at the expense of comfort in the XC90.

Kim Kardashian reveals she may have hysterectomy

Kim Kardashian has revealed complications during pregnancy means she might have to have a hysterectomy after the birth of her second child.

Why late night snacks wreak havoc on weight loss

 Loath as you may be to admit it, chances are that at some point you have found yourself in the kitchen late at night, devouring food.

Toddler twins pretend to be asleep to fool mum

They say twins have a unique connection. If this cute clip is anything to go by, these toddler sisters like to use their special bond to try to fool their mother.

Dad bags: 10 picks for out and about

Getting out of the house is a big priority in the early years of parenthood and you need to take a well-stocked kit with you. We've chosen 10 of the best nappy bags sure to appeal to dads in style and function.

Win a Mountain Buggy Swift

To celebrate Essential Baby reaching half a million Facebook fans, we have a Mountain Buggy Swift to giveaway to a lucky fan.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Dads who do their share have more sex: study

For women trying to encourage their partners to take more interest in fatherhood, it could be the ultimate incentive.

Think you might have IBS, coeliac disease or Crohn's?

Conditions affecting the gastrointestinal tract are common in modern humans, and many are on the rise - including irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) and coeliac disease.

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer.

The exercises you know you should be doing (but probably aren't)

I bet your to-do list today is long. But somewhere on that massive list, are you making time for your pelvic floor?

This baby really loves the family cat

Some babies get excited when mum or dad come to get them from their cot after a nap.

Designer kids clothing good enough to eat by Oeuf

Even if you aren't heading to the Northern hemisphere in the next six months, you can't help but love the amazing food-themed knits for babies and kids by cult kids brand Oeuf.

Early exposure to peanuts recommended for allergy prevention

A paediatricians' group is recommending that infants at high risk of peanut allergies be given foods containing peanuts before they turn one.

Home brand foods contain less salt than pricier rivals

Supermarket home brand foods, long derided as cheap and inferior, contain far lower levels of salt than pricier, branded rivals, new research shows.

Nannies for hire, wherever you're flying

Ever dreaded the prospect of a long flight, dreaming about how wonderful it would be for a nanny to entertain the kids?

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer: with an unusual photo shoot with their 'baby', a groodle (poodle/golden retriever cross) named Humphrey. The talented Elisha from Elisha Minnette Photography caught all the precious shots.

Is it okay to name your baby with a sense of humour?

My husband was sure that Danger was a good option for a boy. And as the pregnancy progressed, it actually started to sound really good.

Woman gives birth after having her own mother's uterus transplanted

In a world first, a healthy baby has been born from the same womb that nurtured his own mother.

So hot right now: double-barrelled baby names on the rise

It's one way to make your baby stand out from the pack – giving them not one, but two first names.

Second time around: is it really better the devil you know?

When I fell pregnant with my second child I was, naturally, very excited. Then it all started to come back to me - and I freaked.

Shopping with kids: breaking the pester-power cycle

You're out shopping with your little one and they're incessantly whining that they want a treat. It's easy to say no ... the first time, at least.

How did we have babies before apps came along?

Three months ago, my wife, Chrysta, and I were driving along Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles when she let out a harrowing cry.

When your toddler disagrees

There comes a time when your child starts having different views to you. I didn't realise that time would come so soon.

Win a Pacapod this Father's Day

To celebrate dads and families, we are giving away a Picos Pack from Pacapod Australia filled with a few extra goodies ENTER NOW

 

FREE TICKET

Discover the magic of the LEGOŽ DUPLOŽ Play Area in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.