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son not invited to party


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#1 maggi

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:21 PM

Hi,  last night i logged onto dreaded f/book and i saw some photos what a friend posted of a kid from schools 6th bday party.My friend kid was invited to this party. Looking at the photos a lot went from prep , i know i am probaly upset for nothing as my son never plays with this child but i ts upsetting to see that the kids he plays with all the time were at the party.my son would be none the wiser that this party was ever on.. i wish people would not post photos on fbook sometimes IYKWIM.   i am not sure why i am upset i just want him to really fit in etc.

#2 MummaDiva

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:28 PM

I know exactly how you feel - my daughter wasn't invited to a party held by one of the girls in her Kindy (FYOS) class, and even though it was a three girl party (the mother took them to a movie), hearing about how much fun it was blah blah blah for the next three weeks at drop off and pick up from the mothers in question was pretty icky.
No advice, I think it's just a case of grinning, bearing and not doing to the same unto others that has been done unto you!

#3 bakesgirls

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:30 PM

Unfortunately that's life. Your son won't be invited to everything, just as he probably won't invite everyone to everything. That doesn't mean that he isn't fitting in. There were probably heaps of kids that weren't invited either. You say your son doesn't play with this child, so why would you expect your son to be invited? Why are you upset that his friends were at the party? Are they not supposed to associate with anyone that your son doesn't?

As for your friend posting pictures on FB, she is allowed to. She surely wasn't to know that it would upset you. I can't imagine it was done maliciously.

#4 amabanana

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:33 PM

So, a child that your son never plays with should invite him to his party because it might upset you?

I think you are over reacting.  It's not like the whole class except your son were invited. Now, that would be upsetting.

Going on about it for weeks in front of people who weren't invited isn't cool though.  Bad manners IMO.

#5 Julie3Girls

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:33 PM

Ok, i can understand your reaction, but really, your 6 yr old shouldn't be on facebook to see the photos anyway. So no harm done really in my opinion.  Other than upsetting you.

Kids aren't always going to get invited to parties. With small parties, I don't have a problem, and if my child is upset, I explain that it was only a small party, so X couldn't invite everyone.
The ones that hurt are the big parties where a majority are invited. As a parent it breaks your heart. But you have to hide that, help them get past their disappointment, and move on.

#6 mks81

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:33 PM

Understand completely. It might be a legitimate reason and not meant to offend but its not a nice feeling when your own child looks to be the only one missing out...used to have lots of problems with our neighbour where on a whim she would exclude certain children from the street,  (all went to same school, classes). Not nice for DD to be the brunt of it and see everyone else from class playing next door. I have been lucky in that DD has only ever gone to tiny school so we have always just invited the whole class to her parties as its not in me to not invite children. Can understand that it can't be done for larger classes though.

But what can you do really....I guess it can be a good way to teach children that they can't be included in everything and sometimes have to miss out. It breaks my heart as my DD is an only child most of the time, (half sister in alternate holidays) and lives for her play dates,parties, etc with other children.

#7 Guest_Starletta_*

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:33 PM

Your son won't find out because he doesn't have Facebook... Does he?

#8 Procrastinator5000

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:34 PM

Totally get how you feel and even though it's just a normal part of life and important for kids to learn, it's still not pleasant to see and hear about it. There will be more times like this, and worse when your son does know and gets upset about it, it really is just part of life.

I like to take the chance to remind my kids that they've always got their family who'll love them more than anyone, even though friends come and go. It helps if they see you don't consider it to be a big deal not to be invited to everything.

I am careful about putting pictures of some social events on Facebook when I think there might be people who would be sad they weren't invited.

#9 baddmammajamma

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:35 PM

maggi:

I know it can be tough to feel as if your child is being left out (even if he has no idea!)

If he's not friends with the birthday boy/girl, then I can see why he might not have been included (unless the birthday child invited EVERYONE but just a few kids, which would have been very mean).

If you are worried about your son fitting in, you can be proactive in helping ensure that he has a decent social life. Hosting regular playdates (with another single child or even a small group) is a fabulous way to foster friendships outside of school that can benefit those relationships at school.

Another idea, if you can afford it/manage the logisitics, is to invite his entire class when his own birthday rolls around. In addition to party invitations from friends, he is also likely to receive a few "good will" return invitations from other kids, which might spark friendships down the line.

Anyway, I can understand why you are a little blue. Even if you know in your head that your son isn't friends with the child hosting, your heart might feel a little bummed seeing the pictures.

ETA: MummaDiva, very insensitive of that mother to go on and on and on about her daughter's party in front of you!

Edited by baddmammajamma, 11 April 2012 - 02:37 PM.


#10 roses99

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:37 PM

I get how you feel.

I don't think you're saying your child should have been invited to the party, but it still just hurts a bit that he was left out. And then you start to worry that maybe your child isn't fitting in or isn't liked. That's pretty natural, I think.

I try to be pretty discreet with facebook and don't go on about things that I was invited to that other's weren't. Within reason, that is. That's not to say that your friend shouldn't have posted the photos. But I do understand why you feel the way you do.

I think the trick is just to help him develop his friendships and social skills and accept the fact that he won't be invited to every party. And if he's not the most popular kid, it doesn't matter. If he has friends and gets invited to some of the parties, then that's great!

My son is also in Prep. Parties at this age are a bit of a minefield, aren't they?!

#11 paddyboo

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:39 PM

your son is friends with A but not B...B is friends with A but not your son....B is having a party and invited his friend A and not your son.....sounds perfectly normal to me shrug.gif I think you are overeacting. If he had invited everyone in the class except your so, well that would be cause for you/your son to be upset.

#12 EBeditor

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:43 PM

Dealing with party politics is really tricky for parents and kids.

My son's Kindergarten (FYOS) teacher is lovely and hands out party invitations at the end of the day with the other class notes. She reinforces right from the start of the year that they won't have an invite every time.



#13 The Old Bag

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:48 PM

Is this his FYOS?

As a parent of a March baby, I have to say parties are a bit of a minefield when they've only just started school and you don't really know who their friends are yet (and sometimes neither do they!).  It can be really hard to know who to invite based on a few short weeks of play. The Mum in question may well have done what I did for DS1 and resorted to friends already known from pre-school, sports etc or children of friends.

Rest assured, OP, they will all settle into their friendship groups soon enough.  

I think you're going a bit far to suggest they keep the photos off FB just for your benefit!

#14 mez70

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:49 PM

I agree it is a tad of an over reaction and I understand about kids being left out truly I do...But come on to say I don't know why people put things of FB is a tad dramatic. i have FB, I also have family on the eastern seaboard from Tassie to Townsville so posting pictures of my kids parties etc is not to offend the precious petals whose kids were not invited, more so that my extended family can share in the occasions and see what has happened etc to keep them in the loop, for them to see the gifts being opened and played with, My Aunt often makes a Pinata for the party so I when I put the pics on FB she also gets to see them and the reaction of all the kids..

If the birthday child was a close friend of your sons I could kind of understand being left out but they are not even friends, trust me kids talk if it meant anything to him he would have told you by now

#15 MummaDiva

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:51 PM

QUOTE (EBeditor @ 11/04/2012, 03:43 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My son's Kindergarten (FYOS) teacher is lovely and hands out party invitations at the end of the day with the other class notes. She reinforces right from the start of the year that they won't have an invite every time.


I would hate this system.  It's positively heartless.  Unless all the kids are going to the party, I don't think the teacher should be involved at all.  It shouldn't be up to the teacher to deliver life's little disappointments.
If any of our teachers tried this, I would complain my little socks off!!

I actually invited my DDs teacher to her b'day party (as a goodwill gesture) - and she came!  Lovely lady.

#16 EBeditor

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:53 PM

How do you distribute invites MummaDiva? I am only at the school one day a week and don't get a chance to see all the parents on that day - as it is many just drop their children off at the gate.

#17 =R2=

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:55 PM

QUOTE (MummaDiva @ 11/04/2012, 02:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would hate this system.  It's positively heartless.  Unless all the kids are going to the party, I don't think the teacher should be involved at all.  It shouldn't be up to the teacher to deliver life's little disappointments.
If any of our teachers tried this, I would complain my little socks off!!

I actually invited my DDs teacher to her b'day party (as a goodwill gesture) - and she came!  Lovely lady.

In our class our teacher prefers to hand the party invites out with newsletters so it's done in a very discreet way. If parents are handing them out then it's more likely to be seen by other parents and children and people work out who's invited and who isn't. They also have a policy that teachers NOT be invited to any birthday parties because heaven knows they will have a social life on that day and couldn't attend (after attending someone else's party). i like our system better.

#18 Julie3Girls

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:57 PM

The teachers are not involved at all in party invites at our school. And we haven't had restrictions on handing out invites.

For the most part, the kids hand them out themselves. Usually before school, when the kids are all in the quad, or some other time during the day.

#19 EBeditor

Posted 11 April 2012 - 02:59 PM

When they are only four or five years old I prefer an adult handing out the invites so they don't get lost or misdirected.

#20 niggles

Posted 11 April 2012 - 03:03 PM

QUOTE (EBeditor @ 11/04/2012, 12:53 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How do you distribute invites MummaDiva? I am only at the school one day a week and don't get a chance to see all the parents on that day - as it is many just drop their children off at the gate.


Our school has a no invites at school policy. There are class reps (parents) for each class who collect contact information from everyone willing at the beginning of the year. They copy and distribute the list. That way play dates, parties and the like can be organised by phone, email or the post.

#21 mks81

Posted 11 April 2012 - 03:06 PM

My DD's first teacher whom she had from P-3 was always invited to our parties, (and other kids) and had a ball, (I have a pic somewhere of her jumping on our trampoline with a heap of the kids). I think she was pretty special though as I have never felt the need to invite any other teacher.

#22 MummaDiva

Posted 11 April 2012 - 03:08 PM

QUOTE (EBeditor @ 11/04/2012, 03:53 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How do you distribute invites MummaDiva? I am only at the school one day a week and don't get a chance to see all the parents on that day - as it is many just drop their children off at the gate.


My daughter took them in, and handed them out before and after school.  I spoke with the teacher to let her know that we were planning a party (that's how she ended up with an invite - I didn't want to have her feeling left out).
We invited the whole class.  I don't think I could ever not invite the whole class.  I'm such a wuss though.  I feel sorry for the kids that always see the other kids with invitations, but never end up with one themselves.  As it was, most of the class came on the day, and for about half of the kids, it was the first time they had been invited to a birthday party for someone from school.

#23 Julie3Girls

Posted 11 April 2012 - 03:14 PM

Honestly, I don't think it makes much difference.
If the kids receive their invites in the post, all it means is the once they have been mailed, the birthday child excitedly asks "Did you get my invitation yet??", and the kids invited are all excited about getting an invite in the mail and are talking about it.  The kids who miss out are just as excluded, possibly more so when they race to the mail box that afternoon in case their invite had arrived.

Not to mention the talk on the Friday before, and the Monday afterwards.

It's really up to the parents to be socially responsible. Eg. don't invite 7 out of 8 girls in a class. Or 18 out of 20 kids in the class. Or 5 out of 6 girls who have lunch together every day.
And teach you children - that it's ok if you don't get invited to every party. That it's not ok to leave someone out from your group of friends so really think about your invitation list.

#24 niggles

Posted 11 April 2012 - 03:31 PM

Julie I agree that a bit of common decency goes a long way but I can understand why schools would want to just stay away from the whole issue as much as they can.

#25 LambChop

Posted 11 April 2012 - 04:00 PM

I think birthday party invite issues are all about parents projecting their own baggage... your son doesn't even play with the child, I don't even remotely get how some random person posting their childs party on FB is somehow a slight for your family....




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