Failing at being a mum
, Apr 10 2012 04:45 PM
13 replies to this topic
Posted 10 April 2012 - 04:45 PM
I honestly don't know where to start although I know I can't talk to anyone in real life as I just don't think they get it. Lately, maybe it peaked on becoming pregnant with my second I just don't feel like I am coping properly being a mum. Probably a wife too. I run my own business and find the working at home with looking after DS very hard. I constantly feel guilty that I am leaving him to his devices for part of the day and always look forward to the two days he is in daycare so I can have some piece and quiet and get things done without being interrupted.
We are tight with money and I have us on a strict savings plan because it is my fear in life to 'never get ahead' I stress and worry about every cent being spent that it is another cent being taking away from meeting my strict goals. I have a steady work flow coming in but on the times it quietens down I am slightly panicking that we are going backwards and our hard work is going to absorb. (As was done in the past when DP was made redundant, we lost all savings and had to start over again)
I probably don't put much into my relationship with DP as I just feel so drained and mentally exhausted from all these tiny things swirling around in my head. I suffer from anxiety and it is probably quiet high at the moment. I told the midwife at my booking in appointment but she didn't seem very interested and then just moved on to the next topic.
I try my hardest to be a good mum and DS is a good kid and a typical 2.5 year old. Not bad by any stretch yet I find myself loosing my temper quick and not having any compassion if he is chucking a tantrum. I am scared that if I feel like this already how on earth am I going to cope when I have this next baby due in 2 months
I am going to stop now as I am so scared to post this as it probably makes me look like the worst person in the world. I am so disappointed in myself that I can't handle this and feel there are so many worse of people with 'real' problems.
Edited by sarah2045, 10 April 2012 - 04:46 PM.
Posted 10 April 2012 - 04:58 PM
You are not alone and you are not a failure and you are doing the best you can with what you have.
Time to talk to your DH and tell him what is going on and come up with solutions that can be helpful in the running of the home and get things on the home front on track so that you can feel at ease at home. Perhaps get your DS minded before bub no 2 arrives and just have one on one time with your DH so you can start to feel good about your relationship or when your DS goes to bed make a point of talking or sharing a movie night or do whatever you think will add to your relationship and do what you both enjoy.
Get to a GP and organise some counselling and fast, please do this as a matter of urgency and get talking to someone or if you can't call lifeline on 13 11 14 if things get really bad and you see no way up.
Please do not consider yourself a failure, you have reached out for help and that is the first step and things can only go up from here IMO. Sometimes we have to allow things to slide and yes at times it is frustrating when you do not make your goals but at times we have to treat ourselves gently if we do not.
Good luck and I hope you find peace amongst the chaos and relax and enjoy the small things helps too.
Posted 10 April 2012 - 05:11 PM
You are definately not a failure. You have a lot on your plate at the moment. Just reading it all made me tired!
I have a 2.6 year old DS and am pregnant and am knackered. I have no idea how you fit in work, you are a wonder woman! Try to just take it one day at a time. Could you put him in daycare another day a week and then get extra work done, do some admin and get some rest so you can have one full 'work free' day together. It might work well as he has your full attention and you can enjoy your time together.
Do you do any activities together during the week? I find DS misbehaves more if we don't go out, have playdates, catch up with friends, etc.
Good luck and hope you feel better soon.
Posted 10 April 2012 - 05:19 PM
I am going to stop now as I am so scared to post this as it probably makes me look like the worst person in the world.
It is good that you did post and no it doesn't make you look like the worst person in the world at all. I have felt like this myself countless times - I think a lot of mums do. It sounds like you are maybe a bit run down with managing your business, having your DS at home and being pregnant so it's no wonder you don't have energy to put into your relationship as well as that.
I know I find it hard to deal with my kids sometimes if I am tired and snap at them or overreact to things. I am also pregnant at the moment and wonder how I am going to cope with another when I seem to handle things so badly at the moment! And I'm not even working at the moment so don't have as much going on. I remember having the same doubts about coping when I went from one child to two but you will manage and probably more easily than you think.
Definitely go see your GP and tell them your anxiety is high at the moment and if you haven't already then talk to your DP and let them know that you are finding things hard at the moment.
Most importantly take it easy on yourself! You have a lot to deal with at the moment.
Posted 10 April 2012 - 05:29 PM
huge hug to you. You are not a failure. I had very similar feelings and (to my shame) did not do anything about them for a long time. I got to the point where I felt so anxious about doing everything I spent very little quality time on the kids and none on myself. I found my anxiety was so bad that I was grinding my teeth at night, so exhausted that I needed to go to bed at 8pm every night, and struggling for breath sometimes (kind of like permanent anxiety attacks!). Okay, not so healthy. But recently I have gone on anti-depressants - and while they haven't solved all problems at least I can breathe! Plus my partner is now helping out a lot more - so I feel less anxious jumping from the kids to work to one chore after another in the house...
Also, I'm now online surfing for a holiday. Away from the house!
Good luck, please see your GP. Sorry for long-winded post about my own silly life, just trying to say that a GP can help. best wishes
Posted 10 April 2012 - 05:41 PM
TBH, I'd be talking to your GP, and a counsellor. There is something called post natal anxiety (lesser known that post natal depression) and it actually usually starts when you are pregnant, not after. Apart from having a lot on your plate, it sounds like you are dipping into that sort of area, what with the feeling overwhelmed, anxiety and worry, short fuse, etc - they are all typical anxiety symptoms, and if it is related to the pregnancy, it could get worse when your baby is born, and dip into full on depression.
I could be projecting here, but effectively that's what I had and I went on medications (not saying that will necessarily be your path) and poof! Anxiety, feelings of being overwhelmed, frantic, worry, etc disappeared - I'm much more able to function and get things done because I'm not constantly projecting forward into calamity, I'm enjoying my children more, I'm less quick to anger, I don't have my day ruined my my kids tantrums, yada yada yada - all small things that seem 'normal' but they add up into a pretty crappy and stressful life, and without them - things just flow.
Seriously, talk to someone. If it turns out to be this, it can be quite solvable.
Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:59 AM
Oh OP, reading your post sounded just like me
(apart from own business & almost 4yr old DD)
I have just been diagnosed with prenatal depression & now have to see an obstetric psychologist 3 days per week for a long time.
I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at 14 and have struggled since. Having not had an attack for 10 1/2 months prior to pregnancy, when I had one I couldn't control it & spiraled from there.
You are doing the best you can do, considering your circumstances - you should be giving yourself a huge pat on the back.
I would call the ANC and demand some mental health help - before you get worse
Good luck with everything & PM me if you would like to know anything else
Posted 13 April 2012 - 06:39 AM
You are not a bad mother. I went through the same thing.
You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Trying to be number one mum, number one partner and employee of the year. You are also pregnant. You must be exhausted.
Kids are hard work mentally and physically. It is so hard to look after them when you are working from home. That is probably why you look forward to the days he is in care. Lots of working mums put their kids in care five days a week and probably don't feel as bad as you. You have to realise you are doing two jobs at a time- it would do anyone's head in.
What helped me was getting out for an hour or two in the morning with DD. to the park, play group, whatever. You will spend time together, meet people and feel better. Then you won't feel so bad if he is home all afternoon entertaining himself.
Do you have any support? Can a family member come over and help you with your little boy for a few hours while you work? Have you spoken to your partner about this?
DD and DS now play together and it is wonderful when I work from home.
Good luck OP! You are a good person and mother and that is why you care.
Posted 13 April 2012 - 06:40 AM
OP, you're not failing. You're just overwhelmed with the competing interests in your life at the moment.
Like PPs have suggested, I'd go first to the GP. Just in case you're depressed. If I were you, I'd even see if I could get a referral to a psychologist on a mental health plan (six cheap sessions). Find a good psych who also specialises in life coaching. They'll help you get back on track and also help you with positive self-talk and helping you to overcome those feelings of defeatism.
Aside from that - as a mum who also works from home a lot of the time - I would start to plan your time as well as you plan your money. Schedule actual time that you spend with your DS. Maybe you could check emails first thing (even before he gets up maybe?), then switch off to work and deliberately play with him. Go for a walk to the park, play in the backyard. Just spend time with him.
That way, you don't feel guilty when, later in the day, you need to spend some time working. Also, get him engaged when you're doing everyday stuff like washing and cleaning. He'll just think that's more playing time with Mum! It'll take you longer, but you'll be engaged.
Also, sit down with your partner and explain how you're feeling. Try to set aside some time together. Ask for help if you need it. Perhaps he could put your DS to bed each night, so that you can knock over another hour or two of work.
And finally, try to loosen the reigns when it comes to money. Yes, it's good to have savings and to get ahead. But money shouldn't rule you, either.
Posted 13 April 2012 - 08:52 PM
OMG i could have written your post word for word! I had to reply! Thanks for posting because the responses have shown me i need to perhaps see my GP.
Since becoming PG with #2 (also due in 2 months) ive become more and more anxious about everything from finances to being a good mother. Being a good wife hasnt even come into it, i am too exhausted to even go there.
I can totally relate with the financial stress. DH and i have always been very goal oriented and recently the 10K we had saved for when i was off work with DS2 has been blown by an unexpected hefty bill. I now have credit card debt which ive never had before and it is all getting too much for me.
We are looking at having little to no savings as a buffer in our account and will be living week by week.
Before i had kids we were great wage earners we lived in the city and had a great life, it all just seems like such a hard slog now and we always seem to be going backwards.
I dont meant to hijack your post i just feel i can really relate to how you feel.
I definitely think you should talk to someone. As i will be doing!
Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:24 PM
I'm another who could have written that post. I don't know if I can help but I've had/got anxiety (I'm not sure it really ever goes away it's just not affecting me or it's bad, or somewhere in between). I found moodgym (run through the ANU) works for me because I can do it privately, I don't have to take time out to go and see someone (and pay to cry in someone's office).
Money is a big issue. I just wish I was someone who had luxuries to cut back on but we don't. Lunches always from home, family members caring for DD for free, we never go out, shopping is literally groceries and the rest is just bills; but we always seem to end up with a high credit card bill. I actually think groceries must have gone up that much along with our mortgage rate. I have part time work which is permanent (thank god) and DH is full time. I just keep wishing that we'll win lotto (not that I can afford to buy tickets) to pay off the house. DH and I are arguing. Both of us were just screaming at each other the night before my 12 week scan this week because of the stress of it (after a scare at 10 weeks, previous miscarriages and this being a natural pregnancy not ivf like DD; it feels less secure which is insane). It's all ok, but we owe a little money to relatives and I can't see when we're going to be able to pay it back. I know we won't break up, after all the stress and grief of two miscarriages together didn't break us. But it's still not good and I feel dreadful that DD went and hid in the bedroom when we were yelling.
There are some days, with my anxiety at this pregnancy, where DD and I just sit and watch tv. I feel bad for not doing more for her but some days I just can't manage much else. I'm tired, DD is not a great sleeper and neither am I.
So there you are, not helpful just "I get it and I'm in the same place". I'm sorry you are feeling like this too but thanks for bringing it up, I feel a bit better because it's not just me.
Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:34 PM
Actually OP it sounds like you're doing an amazing job. There are bad parents out their, you're not one of them.
Anxiety SUCKS and I hope you get some relief from it soon. I'm getting help at the moment and it's making a difference, slowly, but I see hope which I didn't before, and I just want you to know that it's possible to feel better.
I know I don't know you but I'm sending you a hug anyway
Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:40 PM
Oh, honey - you are not a bad mother at all!! You have so much going on and you're trying to hold it all together!
I've suffered from anxiety too and please believe me that it is treatable and it doesn't make you a bad mother!
Please get help now before bub is born!
Posted 20 April 2012 - 03:43 PM
Sounds like the anxiety is getting the better of you and making it so you cant enjoy this time. One thing I have learnt (and I suffer anxiety/ panic too) is that the things I worry myself sick about are not the things that happen in life. I think if you can get the anxiety under control you will be a lot better. Could you try for a few more days in daycare for DS while you get on top of things? I had anxiety when DD 1 was 3 and DD2 was 1 - not really sure why it hit then but I felt totally overwhelmed and worried about everything so much so that the year just seemed like I only just kept my head above water. Looking back now im not even sure I felt that but some of it was that I was juggling 2 toddlers, work, household stuff, money etc and I didnt have enough time to do anything properly. I have simplified things where I work 3 days and kids are in care those days and the days at home I focus on the kids
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