Failing at being a mum
, Apr 10 2012 04:45 PM
13 replies to this topic
Posted 10 April 2012 - 04:45 PM
I honestly don't know where to start although I know I can't talk to anyone in real life as I just don't think they get it. Lately, maybe it peaked on becoming pregnant with my second I just don't feel like I am coping properly being a mum. Probably a wife too. I run my own business and find the working at home with looking after DS very hard. I constantly feel guilty that I am leaving him to his devices for part of the day and always look forward to the two days he is in daycare so I can have some piece and quiet and get things done without being interrupted.
We are tight with money and I have us on a strict savings plan because it is my fear in life to 'never get ahead' I stress and worry about every cent being spent that it is another cent being taking away from meeting my strict goals. I have a steady work flow coming in but on the times it quietens down I am slightly panicking that we are going backwards and our hard work is going to absorb. (As was done in the past when DP was made redundant, we lost all savings and had to start over again)
I probably don't put much into my relationship with DP as I just feel so drained and mentally exhausted from all these tiny things swirling around in my head. I suffer from anxiety and it is probably quiet high at the moment. I told the midwife at my booking in appointment but she didn't seem very interested and then just moved on to the next topic.
I try my hardest to be a good mum and DS is a good kid and a typical 2.5 year old. Not bad by any stretch yet I find myself loosing my temper quick and not having any compassion if he is chucking a tantrum. I am scared that if I feel like this already how on earth am I going to cope when I have this next baby due in 2 months
I am going to stop now as I am so scared to post this as it probably makes me look like the worst person in the world. I am so disappointed in myself that I can't handle this and feel there are so many worse of people with 'real' problems.
Edited by sarah2045, 10 April 2012 - 04:46 PM.
Posted 10 April 2012 - 04:58 PM
You are not alone and you are not a failure and you are doing the best you can with what you have.
Time to talk to your DH and tell him what is going on and come up with solutions that can be helpful in the running of the home and get things on the home front on track so that you can feel at ease at home. Perhaps get your DS minded before bub no 2 arrives and just have one on one time with your DH so you can start to feel good about your relationship or when your DS goes to bed make a point of talking or sharing a movie night or do whatever you think will add to your relationship and do what you both enjoy.
Get to a GP and organise some counselling and fast, please do this as a matter of urgency and get talking to someone or if you can't call lifeline on 13 11 14 if things get really bad and you see no way up.
Please do not consider yourself a failure, you have reached out for help and that is the first step and things can only go up from here IMO. Sometimes we have to allow things to slide and yes at times it is frustrating when you do not make your goals but at times we have to treat ourselves gently if we do not.
Good luck and I hope you find peace amongst the chaos and relax and enjoy the small things helps too.
Posted 10 April 2012 - 05:11 PM
You are definately not a failure. You have a lot on your plate at the moment. Just reading it all made me tired!
I have a 2.6 year old DS and am pregnant and am knackered. I have no idea how you fit in work, you are a wonder woman! Try to just take it one day at a time. Could you put him in daycare another day a week and then get extra work done, do some admin and get some rest so you can have one full 'work free' day together. It might work well as he has your full attention and you can enjoy your time together.
Do you do any activities together during the week? I find DS misbehaves more if we don't go out, have playdates, catch up with friends, etc.
Good luck and hope you feel better soon.
Posted 10 April 2012 - 05:19 PM
I am going to stop now as I am so scared to post this as it probably makes me look like the worst person in the world.
It is good that you did post and no it doesn't make you look like the worst person in the world at all. I have felt like this myself countless times - I think a lot of mums do. It sounds like you are maybe a bit run down with managing your business, having your DS at home and being pregnant so it's no wonder you don't have energy to put into your relationship as well as that.
I know I find it hard to deal with my kids sometimes if I am tired and snap at them or overreact to things. I am also pregnant at the moment and wonder how I am going to cope with another when I seem to handle things so badly at the moment! And I'm not even working at the moment so don't have as much going on. I remember having the same doubts about coping when I went from one child to two but you will manage and probably more easily than you think.
Definitely go see your GP and tell them your anxiety is high at the moment and if you haven't already then talk to your DP and let them know that you are finding things hard at the moment.
Most importantly take it easy on yourself! You have a lot to deal with at the moment.
Posted 10 April 2012 - 05:29 PM
huge hug to you. You are not a failure. I had very similar feelings and (to my shame) did not do anything about them for a long time. I got to the point where I felt so anxious about doing everything I spent very little quality time on the kids and none on myself. I found my anxiety was so bad that I was grinding my teeth at night, so exhausted that I needed to go to bed at 8pm every night, and struggling for breath sometimes (kind of like permanent anxiety attacks!). Okay, not so healthy. But recently I have gone on anti-depressants - and while they haven't solved all problems at least I can breathe! Plus my partner is now helping out a lot more - so I feel less anxious jumping from the kids to work to one chore after another in the house...
Also, I'm now online surfing for a holiday. Away from the house!
Good luck, please see your GP. Sorry for long-winded post about my own silly life, just trying to say that a GP can help. best wishes
Posted 10 April 2012 - 05:41 PM
TBH, I'd be talking to your GP, and a counsellor. There is something called post natal anxiety (lesser known that post natal depression) and it actually usually starts when you are pregnant, not after. Apart from having a lot on your plate, it sounds like you are dipping into that sort of area, what with the feeling overwhelmed, anxiety and worry, short fuse, etc - they are all typical anxiety symptoms, and if it is related to the pregnancy, it could get worse when your baby is born, and dip into full on depression.
I could be projecting here, but effectively that's what I had and I went on medications (not saying that will necessarily be your path) and poof! Anxiety, feelings of being overwhelmed, frantic, worry, etc disappeared - I'm much more able to function and get things done because I'm not constantly projecting forward into calamity, I'm enjoying my children more, I'm less quick to anger, I don't have my day ruined my my kids tantrums, yada yada yada - all small things that seem 'normal' but they add up into a pretty crappy and stressful life, and without them - things just flow.
Seriously, talk to someone. If it turns out to be this, it can be quite solvable.
Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:59 AM
Oh OP, reading your post sounded just like me
(apart from own business & almost 4yr old DD)
I have just been diagnosed with prenatal depression & now have to see an obstetric psychologist 3 days per week for a long time.
I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at 14 and have struggled since. Having not had an attack for 10 1/2 months prior to pregnancy, when I had one I couldn't control it & spiraled from there.
You are doing the best you can do, considering your circumstances - you should be giving yourself a huge pat on the back.
I would call the ANC and demand some mental health help - before you get worse
Good luck with everything & PM me if you would like to know anything else
Posted 13 April 2012 - 06:39 AM
You are not a bad mother. I went through the same thing.
You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Trying to be number one mum, number one partner and employee of the year. You are also pregnant. You must be exhausted.
Kids are hard work mentally and physically. It is so hard to look after them when you are working from home. That is probably why you look forward to the days he is in care. Lots of working mums put their kids in care five days a week and probably don't feel as bad as you. You have to realise you are doing two jobs at a time- it would do anyone's head in.
What helped me was getting out for an hour or two in the morning with DD. to the park, play group, whatever. You will spend time together, meet people and feel better. Then you won't feel so bad if he is home all afternoon entertaining himself.
Do you have any support? Can a family member come over and help you with your little boy for a few hours while you work? Have you spoken to your partner about this?
DD and DS now play together and it is wonderful when I work from home.
Good luck OP! You are a good person and mother and that is why you care.
Posted 13 April 2012 - 06:40 AM
OP, you're not failing. You're just overwhelmed with the competing interests in your life at the moment.
Like PPs have suggested, I'd go first to the GP. Just in case you're depressed. If I were you, I'd even see if I could get a referral to a psychologist on a mental health plan (six cheap sessions). Find a good psych who also specialises in life coaching. They'll help you get back on track and also help you with positive self-talk and helping you to overcome those feelings of defeatism.
Aside from that - as a mum who also works from home a lot of the time - I would start to plan your time as well as you plan your money. Schedule actual time that you spend with your DS. Maybe you could check emails first thing (even before he gets up maybe?), then switch off to work and deliberately play with him. Go for a walk to the park, play in the backyard. Just spend time with him.
That way, you don't feel guilty when, later in the day, you need to spend some time working. Also, get him engaged when you're doing everyday stuff like washing and cleaning. He'll just think that's more playing time with Mum! It'll take you longer, but you'll be engaged.
Also, sit down with your partner and explain how you're feeling. Try to set aside some time together. Ask for help if you need it. Perhaps he could put your DS to bed each night, so that you can knock over another hour or two of work.
And finally, try to loosen the reigns when it comes to money. Yes, it's good to have savings and to get ahead. But money shouldn't rule you, either.
Posted 13 April 2012 - 08:52 PM
OMG i could have written your post word for word! I had to reply! Thanks for posting because the responses have shown me i need to perhaps see my GP.
Since becoming PG with #2 (also due in 2 months) ive become more and more anxious about everything from finances to being a good mother. Being a good wife hasnt even come into it, i am too exhausted to even go there.
I can totally relate with the financial stress. DH and i have always been very goal oriented and recently the 10K we had saved for when i was off work with DS2 has been blown by an unexpected hefty bill. I now have credit card debt which ive never had before and it is all getting too much for me.
We are looking at having little to no savings as a buffer in our account and will be living week by week.
Before i had kids we were great wage earners we lived in the city and had a great life, it all just seems like such a hard slog now and we always seem to be going backwards.
I dont meant to hijack your post i just feel i can really relate to how you feel.
I definitely think you should talk to someone. As i will be doing!
Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:24 PM
I'm another who could have written that post. I don't know if I can help but I've had/got anxiety (I'm not sure it really ever goes away it's just not affecting me or it's bad, or somewhere in between). I found moodgym (run through the ANU) works for me because I can do it privately, I don't have to take time out to go and see someone (and pay to cry in someone's office).
Money is a big issue. I just wish I was someone who had luxuries to cut back on but we don't. Lunches always from home, family members caring for DD for free, we never go out, shopping is literally groceries and the rest is just bills; but we always seem to end up with a high credit card bill. I actually think groceries must have gone up that much along with our mortgage rate. I have part time work which is permanent (thank god) and DH is full time. I just keep wishing that we'll win lotto (not that I can afford to buy tickets) to pay off the house. DH and I are arguing. Both of us were just screaming at each other the night before my 12 week scan this week because of the stress of it (after a scare at 10 weeks, previous miscarriages and this being a natural pregnancy not ivf like DD; it feels less secure which is insane). It's all ok, but we owe a little money to relatives and I can't see when we're going to be able to pay it back. I know we won't break up, after all the stress and grief of two miscarriages together didn't break us. But it's still not good and I feel dreadful that DD went and hid in the bedroom when we were yelling.
There are some days, with my anxiety at this pregnancy, where DD and I just sit and watch tv. I feel bad for not doing more for her but some days I just can't manage much else. I'm tired, DD is not a great sleeper and neither am I.
So there you are, not helpful just "I get it and I'm in the same place". I'm sorry you are feeling like this too but thanks for bringing it up, I feel a bit better because it's not just me.
Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:34 PM
Actually OP it sounds like you're doing an amazing job. There are bad parents out their, you're not one of them.
Anxiety SUCKS and I hope you get some relief from it soon. I'm getting help at the moment and it's making a difference, slowly, but I see hope which I didn't before, and I just want you to know that it's possible to feel better.
I know I don't know you but I'm sending you a hug anyway
Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:40 PM
Oh, honey - you are not a bad mother at all!! You have so much going on and you're trying to hold it all together!
I've suffered from anxiety too and please believe me that it is treatable and it doesn't make you a bad mother!
Please get help now before bub is born!
Posted 20 April 2012 - 03:43 PM
Sounds like the anxiety is getting the better of you and making it so you cant enjoy this time. One thing I have learnt (and I suffer anxiety/ panic too) is that the things I worry myself sick about are not the things that happen in life. I think if you can get the anxiety under control you will be a lot better. Could you try for a few more days in daycare for DS while you get on top of things? I had anxiety when DD 1 was 3 and DD2 was 1 - not really sure why it hit then but I felt totally overwhelmed and worried about everything so much so that the year just seemed like I only just kept my head above water. Looking back now im not even sure I felt that but some of it was that I was juggling 2 toddlers, work, household stuff, money etc and I didnt have enough time to do anything properly. I have simplified things where I work 3 days and kids are in care those days and the days at home I focus on the kids
1 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users
Are you a parent? Simply take our survey for your chance to win a $500 pre-paid VISA debit card.
Fathers who smoke are more likely to have children with asthma even if they quit the habit before their baby is conceived, according to new research.
There's no doubt that post-birth photos can have a powerful effect on women. But are they enough to change the way pregnant women feel about their own impending labours?
Techniques that served me well as a baby-free traveller have been rendered useles - but here’s how you can make this season’s road trips smoother than your newborn’s skin.
Traditionally, packed lunches are packed with gluten (think breads, wraps and biscuits). One mum has created a gluten and nut-free solution.
This traditional girl's name is the favourite among punters in Britain.
For some parents, recording facts like their child’s first word, first tooth and first steps isn’t enough. They’re taking memory collections to the next level.
Virgin Australia has come under fire after a breastfeeding mum and her 10-month-old son were escorted off a flight.
Hello there, Mummy. I've been looking forward to this meeting for a while now. Overall, I'd like to say that you've been a great addition to the team so far. You've really been working your tail off. So, kudos to you.
'The Special Proposal' tells the story of Salvatore asking his girlfriend Caterina a big question.
Why is the idea of nursing someone else's baby so socially unacceptable?
To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, we are giving away five DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!
A new method that screens embryos for more than 200 disorders is already making dreams come true.
Rachel Hollis wanted to share a photo of herself in a bikini to encourage other mums to be proud of their bodies.
Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.
Australians have wildly different experiences on their journeys to adopting children.
Given my immense dislike of Hopkins and her opinions, I was genuinely shocked to discover that last week she actually said something that I agreed with.
It has been six years since whooping cough claimed the life of four-week-old Dana McCaffery. Her parents are angry that lessons learnt weren't enough to save other babies.
A study of 3500 infants has found that babies who are breastfed grow up to be more intelligent and wealthy.
For certain members of the community, catching flu can lead to severe illness or death. A vaccination can be lifesaving.
I hear about the tots that have a penchant for ripping their nappies off and the odd one that even smears the brown stuff on the walls and fine home furnishings, and I shudder.
St Vincent's Hospital has apologised "unreservedly" for a baby mix-up that left one new mum traumatised.
The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!
Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.
Travelling with kids requires a whole other set of skills - ones that I have learned through (sometimes unfortunate) trial and error.
I’m not expecting you to be as calm as you might be right now. What I mean is that if your panic levels are through the roof during a stressful situation, let’s bring them down to just under the ceiling.
A toddler was taken to hospital after a waitress served her sangria instead of cranberry juice at a US restaurant.
Is it shaming to point out that women are often being let down in birth?
For some people, this certificate will offer a sense of validation that their child was acknowledged as being here and now gone, and will help them with life post-loss.
'Phantom pregnancy kicks’ are encountered by many mums months - or even years - after their pregnancy is over.
There's one simple switch that could save you hundreds of dollars a year in private health insurance.
The harmful effects of smoking during pregnancy on unborn babies may be seen in tiny movements in their faces using 4D ultrasound scans, research has found.
Pete Evans' paleo cookbook for kids caused a storm, but there are plenty of other unsafe food trends for babies and toddlers.
Modern medicine could not save 19-year-old Sophie Burgess who died 48 hours after giving birth to twins in the UK.
Once upon a time, I was a fan of job interviews. That all changed after I'd switched careers, had a baby and decided to spend the first year at home with her.
Two Queensland families are grieving the loss of their toddler sons after the boys drowned in separate incidents last week.
A Norwegian man is facing jail after putting abortion pills in his ex-girlfriend's smoothie, causing her to have a miscarriage.
Jordy Jackson was born without eyes. He has anophthalmia, which affects one in every 100,000 babies born.
With Easter fast approaching, Cadbury are giving away 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers. Enter Now!
Model Sarah Stage has defended her pregnancy body after critics claimed her slim figure at eight-and-a-half months pregnant wasn't "normal".
To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, Essential Baby and Entertainment One are giving away five bumper DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!
I love to take pictures of my children. In some of the pictures, my younger son is nursing.
There are things I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know that companies make tiny braces, small enough to hold necks no bigger than a wrist.
If your family is more into Star Wars, gaming and the periodic table than most, you might want to check out these geek-chic baby items.
Not a day under 65 and a lifetime of struggle! That's the look of these newborns, who look adorably older than their real age. Social networking site Reddit recently featured user submissions of adorable grandbabies, here are our favourites.
Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.
Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.
A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.
Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.
Sign up now!
Receive a daily email from Essential Baby during April with great play tips and ideas, then submit your baby at play photos to our Playwall, Instagram or Twitter for your chance to win.