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Coping with the anniversary
One year on from mc first and only pregnancy


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#1 eleven

Posted 09 April 2012 - 10:02 PM

Hi All,

It'll be a year this week, since I mc. I'm finding it difficult already and still have a few days to go. I am trying hard not to 'reminisce' but my mind keeps going there. It was horrific and I've felt the loss keenly.

We've been TTC since and still no luck. I'm starting to despair that the one I lost was the only opportunity I'll ever have had.

Anyway, I know others have suffered more than I, but I hope you may have some tips for me...

Thanks,

#2 key4

Posted 09 April 2012 - 10:45 PM

So sorry for your loss and that you are still TTC.

The only advice I have for you is not to fight the feelings you have on the day, if you know it is going to be a bad day do something special or if possible take the day off work go out to lunch.

The biggest of hugs to you

#3 Leapy

Posted 09 April 2012 - 10:47 PM

Hi Eleven,

Sorry for your loss.  I had 2 miscarriages in the one year - both missed miscarriages - and then nothing for over a year.  My husband and I were almost at the point of deciding not to go ahead and have children (mainly out of fear with a touch of selfishness thrown in) and then I discovered I was pregnant.

Hang in there!!

#4 2puzzled

Posted 09 April 2012 - 11:01 PM

Sorry to hear of your loss.  

Do you know if your partner is also feeling the same way - or is he aware you are feeling the anniversary date so acutely? I ask in case you are bearing the sadness on your own - I would certainly recommend taking the day off if you can and doing something special together if it is possible. Big hugs to you - as the PP said, don't fight off the sadness, but try to do something nice for you and your partner to celebrate the two of you and what you have together, and what you've been through together.

Best wishes to you both.



#5 rachrobo

Posted 10 April 2012 - 07:57 AM

I still feel sad when we drive past the place where we burried our baby (which we did on Sunday).

It is ok to be sad and to have a bad day.  The love you had for your unborn child is real and that is why it hurts.

Just be kind to yourself and take the day for what it is ... a day to remember your beautiful child who you miss.

#6 eleven

Posted 12 April 2012 - 09:59 PM

Thanks ladies,

Saturday is fast approaching. I spoke to my DH and he said he'd been thinking about it too but didn't want to upset me, then he carried on with what he'd been doing. I feel like I"m on my own with this. The night I mc he went out to see friends (not realising how horrific it was going to be) but when he did come home he sat with me for about an hour and then went to bed 'exhausted' while I suffered alone.

He's not usually insensitive... actually he's usually awesome, but with this he seems to just bury his head in the sand...

#7 mez70

Posted 12 April 2012 - 10:21 PM

Hi I found the first anniversary really hard and it was really a bundle of mixed emotions for me as we were doing IVF due to medical issues and I was really blessed to get preg first time lucky only to loose it very shortly after (at 7 weeks) the week after my M/C a blood test we had done prior to undertaking our first cycle showed another issue with me that would require medication for any PrEGNANCY to succeed so off we went on our merry way and did Cycle 2, and cycle 3 and cycle4 and all of them were failures and after each one we were doing more tweaking and adjusting and I my rational (or irrational) side could say was I got PG without all this other stuff so why am I doing all this and it keeps failing. That was the hardest was I got PG once so I KNEW my body could do it So why was it not happening again. That first year my EDD was hard as it was near hubby's birthday so hard to "forget" and the anniversary was tough . Allow yourself to grieve, if you own your place perhaps go an buy a plant you really like and plant it. I planted a Rosebush at my dads house and it flowers around the anniversary each year. I also saw a great counsellor who was great as they gave me the tools to help me articulate what I was feeling most of all be gentle to yourself and Hubby

#8 hushlittlebaby

Posted 13 April 2012 - 08:01 AM

I know what you are going thru as I am in the same place.  
Two years ago tomorrow I had a miscarriage, it devastated us. After trying for the last two years I finally became pregnant 6w3d's ago and was totally over the moon. Tuesday I started spotting, this morning at 5:30 I lost my baby.
Life can seem so cruel, to loose my second pregnancy on the anniversary of the last is just so not fair.  My heart goes to you, I know people can't really say anything that really makes it better but do try and stay calm and if nothing else reflect on the joys you have in your life. Men deal with loss differently to us and I truly believe that they do grieve, just in their own way.
Take care xo

#9 mondayschild

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:30 AM

If it helps know we will all be sending you strength tomorrow. The anniversaries will always be hard, but it eventually becomes something you can deal with and reflect on without the intensity of the pain - it may not seem like it now but it does. Once all the 'firsts' are out of the way (first anniversary of the due date etc) it will get easier.

Your right to express your grief however will ALWAYS be valid so don't let the dismissal of it lightly by others make you feel differently. The behaviour of your husband as others have mentioned is a 'man thing'. They are not as close to it as us and yes I think a lot of the time they can't deal with it (or don't know how to deal with it) so just turn off. Mine is the same.

#10 eleven

Posted 13 April 2012 - 04:29 PM

QUOTE (hushlittlebaby @ 13/04/2012, 08:01 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I know what you are going thru as I am in the same place.  
Two years ago tomorrow I had a miscarriage, it devastated us. After trying for the last two years I finally became pregnant 6w3d's ago and was totally over the moon. Tuesday I started spotting, this morning at 5:30 I lost my baby.
Life can seem so cruel, to loose my second pregnancy on the anniversary of the last is just so not fair.  My heart goes to you, I know people can't really say anything that really makes it better but do try and stay calm and if nothing else reflect on the joys you have in your life. Men deal with loss differently to us and I truly believe that they do grieve, just in their own way.
Take care xo



Words cannot express my sympathy for you... I'm so sorry for your loss...x

#11 eleven

Posted 13 April 2012 - 04:31 PM

QUOTE (mondayschild @ 13/04/2012, 09:30 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If it helps know we will all be sending you strength tomorrow. The anniversaries will always be hard, but it eventually becomes something you can deal with and reflect on without the intensity of the pain - it may not seem like it now but it does. Once all the 'firsts' are out of the way (first anniversary of the due date etc) it will get easier.

Your right to express your grief however will ALWAYS be valid so don't let the dismissal of it lightly by others make you feel differently. The behaviour of your husband as others have mentioned is a 'man thing'. They are not as close to it as us and yes I think a lot of the time they can't deal with it (or don't know how to deal with it) so just turn off. Mine is the same.



Thank you... it does help in some small way to know I have support out there in the world. I want desperately to share my grief with my closest friends, but they work with me and other things I've shared have in turn been shared with other colleagues and this is too personal to be 'water cooler' gossip...

#12 cordyline

Posted 13 April 2012 - 04:53 PM

Eleven, I am coming up to an anniversary too. I remember your miscarriage last year. I read your story while I was waiting to miscarry, after seeing a heartbeat then getting told a few weeks later it had stopped, so I remember your story vividly. You posted a fairly graphic description which debunked all the "it will just be like a heavy period" messages I was getting told by health professionals.

Thank you for your story last year, as my miscarriage was similar to how you described yours and NOT at all like a heavy period. Your story was what stopped me from panicking, thinking this wasn't normal, or rushing off to the ED to be dealt with coldly in a cold hospital in the middle of the night. Your story, even though it must have been hard to share it, gave me some confidence.

I am feeling your apprehension of the anniversary date, and the frustration and disappointment that we still arent pregnant or holding a baby, and the fear that that might have been our only chance. I dont have any advice to get through it, other than to just take each day as it comes.

#13 eleven

Posted 13 April 2012 - 08:35 PM

QUOTE (cordyline @ 13/04/2012, 04:53 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Eleven, I am coming up to an anniversary too. I remember your miscarriage last year. I read your story while I was waiting to miscarry, after seeing a heartbeat then getting told a few weeks later it had stopped, so I remember your story vividly. You posted a fairly graphic description which debunked all the "it will just be like a heavy period" messages I was getting told by health professionals.

Thank you for your story last year, as my miscarriage was similar to how you described yours and NOT at all like a heavy period. Your story was what stopped me from panicking, thinking this wasn't normal, or rushing off to the ED to be dealt with coldly in a cold hospital in the middle of the night. Your story, even though it must have been hard to share it, gave me some confidence.

I am feeling your apprehension of the anniversary date, and the frustration and disappointment that we still arent pregnant or holding a baby, and the fear that that might have been our only chance. I dont have any advice to get through it, other than to just take each day as it comes.



Thanks Cordy... I'm sorry you too have suffered the loss of a child. My mc was horrific and all the 'specialists' telling me it was going to be just like a heavy period obviously had never had one. I know my post upset a few people then, but I'm glad I told it like it was. It shocked me. I'm glad you had some warning.

I wish you all the best with your journey to create a baby to cherish forever...xx


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