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How Do you Feel When Your Best Friend Falls PG And You Dont?
... And they get it on the first go?


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#1 zoelicious

Posted 08 April 2012 - 07:58 PM

Hey There Ladies

This is a bit of a vent, want to know what your thoughts are, am I being selfish, a jealous cow, or am I just being normal.

How would you feel two best friends doing ivf, one falls pregnant and the other doesn't? The latter being me! Your best friend gets it on the first go and you have been going at it for years with transfer after transfer after transfer.

Am finding it really difficult to see my friend, i am hurting, i dont want to know about her symptoms, i dont want to know how happy she is, i just think its plain unfair. Im not angry at her, im just sad for me. Why couldnt that be me?

Is it really just pure luck that someone gets it on the first go? Is it pure luck that i have had another friend that also has fallen pregnant on the first go and then 2nd with identical twins. Am i destined to befriend ivfers to fall pregnant around me? Whats with that?

Ive told her how i feel and i have just said i need to be alone for a while, would she really know how i feel considering she only did ivf ONCE? Would she really know how im feeling?

Your thoughts please, not only did i get a BFN but im losing a friend. I hate you infertility, i really do!

Happy Easter by the way xx





#2 domestically~challenged

Posted 08 April 2012 - 08:10 PM

Great news for her. Just another reminder that it sucks to be you sad.gif

I was up to failed transfer #7 when SIL did her #1 transfer and got it first go. It sucked.

#3 .MrsM.

Posted 08 April 2012 - 08:16 PM

i think you're feeling are understandable. i know that i get very upset when friends (pretty much all of them) have announced their pregnancies. i have distanced myself from a lot of them, not even knowing that im doing it sometimes. it really is hard to be around pregnant people/babies for me.

i still love my friends and wish them well, but i am definitely jealous. i swing between being understanding and quite bitter about eveything.

i haven't had ivf (and am hoping i don't get to that point). i could understand your pain of wanting a baby, but not the full extent of what you had been through. don't be too hard on yourself for these feeling towards your friend. if she's a friend, she'll understand hopefully. my good friends have.

#4 cheshire_cat

Posted 08 April 2012 - 08:19 PM

zoe, I totally empathise. Your feelings are totally normal.


This is maybe a bit controversial to admit, but I honestly do think there's a big difference in the experiences & attitudes of someone who does one IVF transfer & gets pregnant immediately, and someone else who has to undergo multiple cycles over a number of years.

Of course this isn't a competition over 'whose experience is worse', but I have found people who've done one cycle & had success do tend to be a lot more positive & upbeat about IVF, eg 'it's not that bad' and even another pearler that I read here on EB: 'IVF is an amazing journey'  rolleyes.gif.

My opinion is that she'll have a lot more insight into what you're going through than your average punter on the street, but no, she won't understand what it's like to go through multiple cycles. It's one of those things you don't 'get' until you've had to experience it.

I think you've made the right move in taking a bit of space if that's what you need. Hopefully she'll have the sensitivity to see that it's not about her.

All the best of luck for wherever you are in your cycle xxx

#5 fozzymum

Posted 08 April 2012 - 08:28 PM

Completely understandable reaction and I would be surprised if anyone who has done multiple IVFs didn't feel the same way.

I feel like I've has so many friendships damaged by my infertility journey - distancing myself from pregnant friends, not calling people because I don't want them to ask me when I'm having a baby and then not wanting to call them some more because if I call out of the blue they'll assume I'm calling to say I'm pregnant... for me its a vicious cycle.

I now joke that if you want to get pregnant, befriend me to become your IVF buddy. It seems like someone just has to come to me for comfort about their inability to fall pregnant and then lo and behold, they're pregnant and I'm still not!

DH and I became an insular unit for much of our first TTC journey, and now that we're back in the world of infertility its starting to become that way again. Not so much what he needs, but its the way I protect myself from the pain of not getting what seems to come so much more easily to the people around me.

#6 Lokum

Posted 08 April 2012 - 08:42 PM

Normal, and in pain.

Anger masks fear, and bitternes masks pain - isn't that what IVF counsellors say? In my case, bitterness didn't even do that good a job of masking the pain. I hung up on someone who was telling me she was pregnant. Mid phone call. And didn't call back for ages. (She was shocked, but forgave me readily when I chose to re-join normal society.)

Your friend might not actually understand, but she would probably try. For the sake of self preservation, I don't think it's wrong of you to withdraw. Or to be honest and say you're not up to hearing about it.

At some other point in your lives you can be there for her.


Cheshire - I suspect you're right. I did 5 x failed, medicated IUI, but I always felt like I had IVF as a backup, as the next step. So although it was awful and hard and damaged our marriage, I dont think it was the same as 5 x failed IVF transfers. Having had success on the first IVF transfer, I don't think I am an IVF veteran in the same way as the OP.

A few posts in recent weeks have really hit home for me about the difference.

#7 Wishing2011

Posted 08 April 2012 - 08:51 PM

Totally normal.. I am also experiencing it but from a different angle.. I've been TTC for ages, was about to start IVF but fell pg naturally the month before we were about to start IVF. YAY for us.. However at 7.5 weeks I miscarried  cry1.gif during the miscarriage SIL and BIL turn up late one night and tell us they are 5 weeks pregnant.. I just burst into tears. So we had to tell them.
I'm getting better now.. I would almost be 10 weeks now so its still recent. SIL emails me telling me of her new symptoms.. I have found it hard to see her sometimes. Not because I'm not happy for her but because WE WERE due around the same time. And now she is going through where I should be and its hard to watch.. sad.gif I am getting better though but I just wanted to let you know.. I am feeling similar feelings. Happy for her but so so sad for me.. Especially since they havent been trying long at all and we were just about to start IVF ..

Edited by Wishing2011, 08 April 2012 - 08:52 PM.


#8 specialone

Posted 09 April 2012 - 02:36 PM

Hi,

Oh, yes its hard. It's an unfortunate painful reminder of your inability to get pregnant.

I try to be postive though for the other friend etc... especially if it is their first child as pregancy, birth, newborn etc can be a daunting (as well as exciting) experience.

I am going to a baby shower in a week or so. Having just had a disastrous IVF cycle I am not feeling particularly happy when it comes to thoughts of pregnancy etc.

Will just have to suck it up I guess. If I am in the right mood I can feel very happy for my friend as its nice to see someone getting pregnant - not everyone has to go through this tough long process when TTC.

There are plenty of us here in the TTC for many years category... you are not alone. People who have been TTC for quite a long time don't tend to announce it....  So whilst it may seems at times that everyone you know is falling pregnant easily and naturally (or through IVF first time) .. its not really the case.

It is hard when a best friend, someone really close falls pregnant... My sister in law announced her pregnancy shortly after i had a MC (after TTC for over a year) .... I had tears in my eyes when she made the announcement (she had a family gathering to do so) but thought "how can I be crying at someone elses wonderful news"? I managed to pull myself together but on the way home in the car had a bit of a cry, and felt much better after that. Sometimes its good to just let it all out... then hopefully feel better later!

Infertility causes so many problems... lets hope it doesn't lose friends as well.

Good luck xx

#9 libbylu

Posted 09 April 2012 - 10:07 PM

None of my close friends have had problems with fertility.  Since I have been trying to get pregnant, my best friend (we decided to start TTC at the same time and now her DD is 18 months) and both my SILs have fallen pregnant with no issues, not to mention a gazillion other friends.  One SIL even fell pregnant accidentally.  None of them understand.  It was very hard to hear all their news, though I actually found it easier when their babies were born, as I love their little bubbas.  I find the pregnancy stage the hardest to deal with and have really been avoiding my currently pregnant SIL.  I totally cracked it when DH told me that BIL asked if we had any baby stuff we wanted to lend them.  How insensitive.  They know how hard we have been struggling and don't they know that I WILL FALL PREGNANT ANY DAY NOW and need all my baby stuff myself!!!!!

#10 leebec

Posted 10 April 2012 - 09:17 AM

Zoe - totally and utterly understand how you feel and I am in the same place at the moment. One of my best friends did IVF in January after putting it off for over 8 months and whinging and moaning at me those entire 8 months about not being pregnant blah blah and then bang first go she gets it and I knew that would happen, she then proceeds to tell me she is so sad that it is her and not me and that it should be me.....ummmm that is about the most condescending thing I have ever heard because she did IVF to be pregnant so why would you want it to be someone else. Also during my 4th failed transfer I find out my other friend is pregnant with her 3rd.....then a girl at work is doing IVF and of course she is due to have her bloods this week and of course it is going to work first go because I am the only person who is going to have to spend the equivalent of a 3rd world countries deficit to get pregnant and then its not even guaranteed i will.

I have cut myself off from a lot of my friends and will only see and deal with them on my own terms. Wont go to baby showers, wont go see new babies, dont even ask me to. I dont want to hear about pregnancies and to be honest I dont even want to see you why your pregnant.

None of my friends understand even the one who did IVF has no idea. A friend of DH's will be doing IVF after their honeymoon and I know that they will get it first go as well but according to all DH friends they have it so much worse off then us as they have been trying for a whole 2 months longer than us, but they only saw a dr for the first time November last year....in that time we have had a miscarriage, 6 failed OI cycles, 2 failed fresh cycles & 2 failed FETs and I get told to my face that is nothing compared to them, what the????????????

#11 Satay Chicken

Posted 11 April 2012 - 08:35 AM

Hey Zoe - you're doing it tough at the moment and I am so sorry.

I have not been through IVF yet but I totally understand where you are coming from.  I only know one person IRL who has had trouble conceiving, everyone else has gotten pregnant within the first three months of trying (not that three months warrants even saying "trying").  I've also got a friend at the moment who conceived within two months, she has a 6 month old now  - spent most of the last 15 years drunk, smoking and keeping herself as skinny as possible (beer was her only carb), I'm pulling away from her at the moment because she's pee'ing me off on FB.... I told her we were stuggling but she still manages to comment on my brothers posts every day with comments such as "So amazing, best feeling ever (having a baby)" - thanks, you've met my brother a couple of times... totally insensitive.  (My bro and SIL just had a baby - one hit wonder).

Zoe, just go with what feels right for you and protect yourself which ever way feels best.  The people that count in your life will be there when you are ready, let the other ones slide for now...

PM me if you need anything ok, here for you...xx

Edited by Satay chicken, 11 April 2012 - 08:36 AM.


#12 GEH 77

Posted 11 April 2012 - 09:53 AM

Hi Zoe

Sending you big hugs, you are not alone & I think from previous posts we all know the feelings too well.  We are on our 3rd cycle & 1st FET.  The disappointment & pain of not achieving our dream & see others do it again & again sometimes 2 or 3 times over in the time we have been TTC is nothing I can describe to those who are not going through it themselves.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, if you find things too hard, don't do them, don't see them etc.  I know I've gone through phases where I have blocked posts on Facebook from pregnant friends as I can't bear the constant updates etc. It probably doesn't make it too much easier but I'm easier on myself.  After a lot of counselling the only thing I do now when I hear about someone else yet again falling pregnant & ofcourse they did it so easy!  is to think that is their journey & ours is ours & ours is super special because our baby will be ours, I know talk is cheap but it's stopped me going nuts at some unexpected person & also the tears are less but doesn't mean it still doens't hurt.

I hope that helps & most of all you aren't alone, we are here for you to give you support original.gif

xx

#13 zoelicious

Posted 11 April 2012 - 10:02 PM

Thanks everyone, its is just SOOOOO SOOOOO hard. I have made a pact with myself not to befriend anyone as I seem to attract those that are about to embark on ivf journeys (and get it on the first go). I dont think it makes me a bad person i just cant do it.

Its going to be a long road ahead for me, a long, long road.

xx



#14 Wishing2011

Posted 12 April 2012 - 07:51 PM

I get it.. even though I havent had IVF myself we tried for a long long time.. and somehow we got our miracle.. but it was shortlived sad.gif

It felt too good to be true.. and it really was sad.gif

Your time will come.. have they done any more tests to see why it hasnt worked for you yet?

#15 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 12 April 2012 - 08:04 PM

I always felt (and I know this isn't how statistics work) that all those first time successes were lessening my chances or somehow using up my BFP.  

Hang in there Zoe.

#16 Guest_C-is-for-MUMMY_*

Posted 12 April 2012 - 08:39 PM

This was in the recent topics and even though I am not TTC, I am very close to someone who is.

I was on the receiving end of the silent treatment when I got pregnant.

I will not pretend to know anything about what you are going through, I imagine it is extremely hard for you and I am sorry that you have had to go through what you have... You are not a cow, not being precious, you are just dealing with this pain in any way you can.

Perhaps some advice I can give to you:
Your friend is probably feeling very vulnerable right now and your ignoring her is possibly making her feel like she doesn't deserve this baby because you have tried and tried and tried!

She needs friends to be excited for her and does it show more about your character (as a fighter, determined and strong - I presume from looking at your sig) if you are angry and upset because she got pregnant and you didn't, or would it show who you really are if through your pain you could show her that you are happy - even if inside you feel as if you are splitting apart...

It isn't fair that some women can have babies and others can't - it sucks!
But to tell this to your friend - should the words ever leave your mouth - could really hurt her...
Please, whatever you do, don't imply to her that she doesn't deserve this child - there is nothing worse because when that baby is born and she is holding it, she won't forget that her friend didn't want this baby to be born.

It will hurt you, it will be painful and there will be days when you don't think you can handle it anymore, but I beg of you - for her sake - not to cut her out of your life.

Good luck, I wish you all the best and I hope I haven't come across as harsh.

#17 Bwok~Bwok

Posted 12 April 2012 - 09:30 PM

QUOTE
Please, whatever you do, don't imply to her that she doesn't deserve this child - there is nothing worse because when that baby is born and she is holding it, she won't forget that her friend didn't want this baby to be born.


Why do people always ASSUME that is what goes through a infertilies mind - excuse the language - that sh*ts me!

ETA You might actually be suprised, that as upset as one feels when another falls pg first go - that ^ is the furtherest thing on their minds!

Edited by Bwok~Bwok, 12 April 2012 - 09:37 PM.


#18 Wishing2011

Posted 12 April 2012 - 09:34 PM

C I dont think she would say that.. I think she is coming in here to vent.. It is very very very hard. Especially when you look at what she has been through.

I dont think it is selfish of her to take a step back when she can't face her pregnant friend yet. I did that to my SIL and even though it is still hard I am there for her but I have most definately been more withdrawn than usual because it is just too hard. I have started to talk to her about it recently but she has also purposely left me in the dark due to my miscarriage a few weeks ago.. Unless you have walked in these shoes I honestly dont think you can understand the pain she is feeling.. And I'm not saying that to be mean.. I'm just saying that because I'm in that situation myself.. And being selfish is OK sometimes because sometimes it is just too hard.

#19 zoelicious

Posted 12 April 2012 - 09:47 PM

Thank you for all your responses ladies.

cisformummy im not ignoring my friend we still email each other every day but its not like it used to be. i am happy for my friend i truly am, but i just got my BFN on Saturday (not even a week ago) and as much as i want to see her (she just got her BFP 2 weeks prior) i cant. I am far too sad to see her or anyone at the moment. the pain is still raw.

i would never tell her that she doesn't deserve her child, golly I'm not like that. i would never even think something like that to say to her or to anyone. she deserves a baby just as much as i do. we all deserve our babies. its just so unfair two besties one falls pregnant on the first go and the other doesnt after constant failure.

i just hope my journey will end soon as feeling like this is not very healthy.

#20 Guest_C-is-for-MUMMY_*

Posted 12 April 2012 - 10:10 PM

Zoe, I am glad you are still in contact with your friend... I am sorry that it is so hard for you at the moment and I'm sure your friend knows that. It is really sad that you and your friend didn't get pregnant together... I really hope things get better for you.

#21 Kateep1

Posted 12 April 2012 - 10:14 PM

Zoe (and many of the following posters) I completely understand. We have not yet started IVF but I think we will be in the coming months.
Since we have been ttc my best friend, sister and sister in law have all fallen pregnant. My sister I am over the moon for as she also was ttc for far longer than we have been and had two terrible ivf cycles before she got her bfp.
My best friend (well previous best friend, this has put a definate wall between us) fell pregnant to a guy she had been seeing for five months "accidently". To make things worse my "best friend" told me she was pregnant on facebook claiming she wanted me to be able to react however I want without feeling bad.

The day I broke down and told my sister in law all about the troubles we were having she told me they had decided that they going to start trying for baby number 2. Two weeks later my husband recieved a call from his brother saying they were pregnant.

So it's been a rough few months. My sister in law has been carrying on behind our backs that we aren't congratulating them enough and I feel like it's gotten to the stage with my best friend where she has lost her sensitivity chip completely and that she expects me to just get over my own fertility issues.
At the moment I am planning her baby shower which is so painful for me. Meanwhile she tells me that she is worried about when the baby is born she won't be able to buy things for herself "You know I can't use supermarket moisturizers"  she has said. Not to mention the endless facebook reminders that she is pregnant. Last night she posted that she had nightmares after watching One born every minute because she is scared of the noises she might make and the faces she might pull. SO INFURIATING!!

Sorry Zoe this post hasn't been that comforting to you and I have kind of turned it into my own rant but basically I'm trying to tell you there is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. I am so jealous of my friend. sis and sil and I try and try to not be bitter but it is impossible.
I think we all just need to look after ourselves and distance ourselves from pregnant people around us. The truth is that as much as they say they understand people that haven't had any issues will never understand at all what it is like to long for a child and people who have only tried for a short time (like me) will still not completely understand what it is like for someone like you who has tried for much longer.
xxxxxx



#22 sophie72

Posted 12 April 2012 - 10:44 PM

Hey Zoe,

Your feelings are normal, please don't beat yourself up because of it. Life truly sucks after multiple failed IVF cycles and people falling pregnant soooo easily around you.

But imagine for a second being me (and sorry for hijacking)- 8 failed ICSI cycles in 3 years and working in an Obstetric Unit seeing pregnant women all this time (yep, lots of pregnant women in early and late pregnancy, women coming to the antenatal clinics for check-ups and bringing their other 2-3-4 children with them, women in various stages of labour, women showing off their babies with delight after birth...). I only survived because I truly love my job but sometimes the pain is just unbearable...

Hope you'll get your baby soon. Please don't give up. I heard the joy that they bring in your life makes you forget all this heartbreaking journey.

Take care.

Edited by sophie72, 12 April 2012 - 10:45 PM.


#23 AryaStar

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:24 PM

QUOTE (C-is-for-MUMMY @ 12/04/2012, 08:39 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She needs friends to be excited for her and does it show more about your character (as a fighter, determined and strong - I presume from looking at your sig) if you are angry and upset because she got pregnant and you didn't, or would it show who you really are if through your pain you could show her that you are happy - even if inside you feel as if you are splitting apart...


Wrong.

A newly pregnant woman does not need anyone to be excited for her. As lovely as that might be her desire for people to share in her excitement does not trump the need for the OP to protect herself emotionally and psychologically when she is feeling frustrated, fearful, grief-stricken, angry, devastated and vulnerable.

And the nonsensical rambling about wishing the baby was never born, and the mum being undeserving etc is such utter rubbish that it doesn't even warrant addressing.

True friends will be sensitive to your feelings even if they don't fully understand them. Only the self-absorbed narcissists will be annoyed that you can't be gushingly excited for them despite your own struggles to conceive.

#24 Guest_Retro_Mumma_*

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:30 PM

Both.

I think you are being selfish and unfair but its totally understandable I felt the same way when my friends fell pregnant and I didnt.

I was happy for them but at the same time I felt jelous and angy.

Not at them just at the whole thing.

I think its pretty normal to feel that way but in saying that its not fair to take your anger out on your friend, you have to think what if the roles were reversed and she was mean to you because you got pregnant and she didnt?

Its hard but one day you will be the pregnant one and there will be other people jelous and angry because you are pregnant and they are not no matter how long you have been trying for. You have just got to treat people how you would like to be treated if the roles were reversed.

Edited by Retro_Mumma, 13 April 2012 - 11:52 PM.


#25 fozzymum

Posted 13 April 2012 - 09:44 PM

I really, really hope that the PP replying to the OP actually have some idea what multiple failed IVF cycles are like - its a vastly different proposition that just BDing every month, even if its been for a year or more. A couple of responses make me think some posters have NFI what its like. IVF is physically and emotionally exhausting, not to mention the additional financial burdens that it can bring. Handing over thousands of dollars and all your hopes and dreams to an inexact science each cycle is horrible. To expect that a person who has gone through this to respond to other peoples pregnancies in the same way as someone who hasn't gone through multiple IVFs is ludicrous IMO.

I'm obviously not the OP but responses from PP who haven't gone through multiple IVFs really seem to have no idea what its like so IMO unless you've been there, done that - don't reply!!!  

I always said that if I could just know what the end of my journey would be, I could take anything, even 20 IVFs. But to go into cycle after cycle, never knowing if you will get what you want, is a special kind of torture that in my experience only fellow IVFers can understand.


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