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Is this fair?

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#1 itsaboysworld

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:40 PM

I havent hear from DH's parents since I sold my home. They have not visited my new home.

I have sent them pictures of the kids when they do something special, I send updates of the boys activities and have taken the boys to them on a couple of occasions and of course invited them to visit the new house. I never get replies and only get complaints that they dont get to see the kids, but they wont visit.

I sent them a happy easter message and got a phone call a few minutes ago which really upset me.

Ive been asked to bring the kids to visit them for a "bbq with the whole family (SIL and her family, niece and her boyfriend etc etc), with various BS excuses about why they have had the time to come and see the new house and the kids since they started school etc. And then comes "P is not welcome here".

You know what? My boys will already have their own conflicting feelings about a man moving in and how that fits in with their feelings of loss and I dont want them to get the impression they have anything to feel guilty about due to Gary's parents finding things difficult. Ive been told that its me and the kids only to visit or not at all.

I feel like im being punished and the feel like the kids are too. I was told I will always only be the wife of his son and nothing else.

Im seriously tempted to say that they are more than welcome to visit here any time but I wont cater to these sorts of conditions on visits to their home.

#2 LynnyP

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:46 PM

Depends on why they are saying it.

If it is because any one replacing their son is not welcome, then that is probably harsh.

If they have a personal reason not to like your new partner, if he has behaved poorly to them or they don't like his interactions with you and your children or they just don't like him, then it is more understandable.

If they have seen him behave atrociously or heard of very bad bahaviour, then it could be very understandable.

I don't know enough to say.

#3 JRA

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:46 PM

No it's not fair, and I really feel for you.

The difficult thing is that your DH's parents are also probably very confused in life without their son. How your new man will fit into your life, their life, and their grandchildren's life is going to take time for them to work out.

I think it will take time for them to understand how your home is not their son's home anymore. They will feel that you have replaced their son, and that is another step in the closure process, and of course is very difficult for them.

All the best

#4 LittleListen

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:46 PM

Go with your gut IABW - you've been through enough and your kids need some stability and normalcy around all this.

I wouldn't go. Or if the children really wanted to go I would drop them off for a little while and come back and get them?

Its not fair to hold you to your past like that - its important for everyone to move on.

All the best OP.

Edited by eyesabove, 08 April 2012 - 01:47 PM.

#5 itsaboysworld

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:47 PM

The pure and only reason is that they want no one replacing their son. They have stated that repeatedly and that "its nothing personal"......feels petty ****ing personal to me.

ETA: They refused to help me pack and move house because I was apparently "betraying dh" by selling my home. They dont EVER ring me or the kids or visit and hadnt for at least six months before I even put the house on the market. ts not like they are suddenly in shock because P has moved in, its been a steady pattern of zero support and b**ching at me for ages.

Edited by itsaboysworld, 08 April 2012 - 01:52 PM.

#6 FeralSchnitzel

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:49 PM

People who put conditions on relationships are not in the relationship for the right reasons. I would nicely state my position, and ask them to think about the message they are sending to their grandsons, and make sure my kids are only exposed to healthy, loving relationships without ulterior motives.

#7 Tiger Lilly

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:49 PM

I would not go in all honesty. If they cannot accept that you need to move on at some stage and accept that you are living YOUR life YOUR way, then too bad for them.

I obviously did not know your DH, but I simply cannot believe that he would not want you to move on and be happy - of course he would.

So you just continue to live your life, your way.

#8 tibs

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:50 PM

It must be hard on them to see that you have seemingly replaced their son which is something they can't do.

But as grown adults you'd think they would suck it up for the sake of their relationship with their grandchildren, which afterall is all they have left of their son.

#9 JRA

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:52 PM

Just to add to Lynny's comment. I am not sure how much your ILs are aware of the ups and downs with your new partner. If they have seen those ups and downs like we have, it is possible they have grave doubts. It was only 6? weeks ago you ended the relationship with him, and now you are living with him. They may just feel really unsure/difficult/confused by these sorts of things, and given he is "replacing" their son, it must be really hard for them.

#10 itsaboysworld

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:54 PM

JRA, I think youd find its been about four months since then as we reconciled just before my birthday. As for what they know about my relationship, they know bugger all as they havent been in touch and wouldnt have known more than what I told them.

#11 *Lib*

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:56 PM

You've put the ball in their court. Don't cause yourself or the boys any more angst. Give them a time limit, if they haven't contacted you in 2 weeks or so, write them off.

#12 M1B2G

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:58 PM

I would say right now with the move and short notice I would not go...

Their excuse about replacing their son is one that is not sustainable sorry.  I am sure their DS would want you to move on...

I think you may want to offer them an alternative time to catch up with the boys and you when maybe DP is not home...

#13 *Lib*

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:01 PM

FTR I wouldn't be taking P to my husbands parents house anyway......would you have really thought it was ok to take him there when your kids haven't seen them for 6 months. You'd use Easter as the opportunity to introduce your new partner to them???

Edited by *Lib*, 08 April 2012 - 02:02 PM.

#14 JRA

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:01 PM

JRA, I think youd find its been about four months since then as we reconciled just before my birthday.

My mistake, I was just going on  your posts, sorry

Then my original post stands, remember it is bloody hard for them too.  Give them time. Good luck

#15 Guest_~Karla~_*

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:07 PM

I'm going to go against the grain and say I can understand where they are coming from. Grief is a very personal thing. Everybody grieves differently and for different lengths of time and no one way is right.

As a parent, to see your son replaced in his own family would be heartbreaking. To see another man raising his kids would be devastating. To see your sons wife with another man would feel like betrayal.  Is it fair on you? No, but they are still mourning the loss of their son.

They are going to have to suck it up and deal with it soon enough. Maybe they're just not ready yet. I would take the kids and go to the BBQ and if an opportune moment arose, I would politely invite them over to my house to meet DP.  Explain that you know it will be hard for them, but you would love them to still be involved in your and your kids lives and that life now involves a new partner.

I don't think they are doing this out of malice, just out of grief.

#16 *Lena*

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:07 PM

I know it must be hard on them but lets face it I am sure your husband would want you to be happy and not miserable the rest of your life. If your new partner makes you happy I am sure your husband would be fine with it.

Personally if I had made all the effort in ringing, sending pics, inviting them to your new house etc and they have done nothing in the last 6 months then I would write them off. Seems like they are not interested and thats sad plus there loss. If they want a relationship with your children they will make the effort and it seems like they are not make the effort. The phone call asking you over seems like a after thought to me. If they wanted you there they would have asked you at least a week ago.

#17 Cat People

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:14 PM

No it's not fair but I feel very badly for the parents too.  Maybe with some time they will come to accept it.  For the sake of your boys, I would go without P.

#18 Feralishous

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:15 PM

QUOTE (JRA @ 08/04/2012, 11:52 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Just to add to Lynny's comment. I am not sure how much your ILs are aware of the ups and downs with your new partner. If they have seen those ups and downs like we have, it is possible they have grave doubts. It was only 6? weeks ago you ended the relationship with him, and now you are living with him. They may just feel really unsure/difficult/confused by these sorts of things, and given he is "replacing" their son, it must be really hard for them.

this was my first thought too

#19 Polly Esther

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:16 PM

From people I've known who've had partners die, and then they go on to repartner, this kind of reaction seems kind of common. They don't seem to think the living party has waited long enough before moving on.

I don't think it's fair, but at the same time, their son dying young is not fair either, so I think you've just got to accept that they're going to have issues with some things and to just suck it up and deal with it. They have a right to their feelings, and if they feel happier not knowing the man you've moved on with, that's their choice and their right. You don't have to tell your children that P is not invited... talk about it together as adults and have P say something about how he's not feeling well, is going to go visit his sister, etc etc... something that means it's HIS CHOICE.

I'd take the boys for a token visit to Gary's parents... stay an hour or so... just so they get some face-time with their relatives... and then go home. There's no need for the boys to know that Gary's parents are not comfortable with P attending.

#20 itsaboysworld

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:20 PM

Theyve met P many times and ignored him from day one. This is not a shock. As far as they are aware I have been in a solid relationship with him for over a year.

I understand they are grieving, so am I.

#21 JRA

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:24 PM

Theyve met P many times and ignored him from day one. This is not a shock. As far as they are aware I have been in a solid relationship with him for over a year.

I understand they are grieving, so am I.

Each person grieves differently. And each relationship is different. For parents losing a child they know the child can never replaced. NOT that you are replacing Gary, but in their mind, in their grieving, it may  seem as you are.

It is bloody hard for all.

I hope they come around.

Good luck

#22 Expelliarmus

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:31 PM

It's not fair it is petty and spiteful and it is completely possible for a family to welcome an inlaw's new partner. My BIL's new wife is an integral part of my sister's grandchildren's lives and we recognize her role as BIL's new partner, grandmother to his grandkids and as a family member. Why does grief over one
person have to involve exclusion of another?

I wouldn't go, OP. I'd tell them that you are spending the time as a family and as your family includes P you will not be excluding him. They are welcome to visit you and see the boys or you are happy to bring P along to theirs and leave it at that.

Edited by howdo, 08 April 2012 - 02:32 PM.

#23 CallMeFeral

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:33 PM

Tell them to shove it. But more politely.

Let them know you'll be pleased to attend when they can issue an unconditional invitation.

#24 follies

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:36 PM

I would personally respect there wishes in not taking P - for now. 3 years is along time to be alone and they need to eventually accept that, but loosing a child? Adult or not no one ever gets over it.

It is frustrating but sometimes you have to put up with other people crap for the benefit of those you consider more important and I am sure your children would benefit more for seeing them then not.

#25 LambChop

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:39 PM

You could take them on face value darl, they have told you, its not personal.

Honestly, if these were your own parents, then I would share your indignation.  But they're not, they're only in-laws, they have no 'relationship' with P, you're not married or anything.

I think that you should respect their wishes to keep at arms length.  If you want the kids to go see their grandparents today, or you want to see them yourself, go ahead.  Don't get all caught up in their grief, don't "punish" them for being ready (or not) to welcome a 'new son in law'.

I'm in a new relationship having separated, I would never ever presume to take my new man over to MILs and expect her to want a relationship with him.

I think you're possibly having too high expectations and taking things too personally, because part of the issue is that you yourself are still working through your guilt about getting on with life without Gary.

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