Jump to content

Is this fair?


  • Please log in to reply
66 replies to this topic

#1 itsaboysworld

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:40 PM

I havent hear from DH's parents since I sold my home. They have not visited my new home.

I have sent them pictures of the kids when they do something special, I send updates of the boys activities and have taken the boys to them on a couple of occasions and of course invited them to visit the new house. I never get replies and only get complaints that they dont get to see the kids, but they wont visit.

I sent them a happy easter message and got a phone call a few minutes ago which really upset me.

Ive been asked to bring the kids to visit them for a "bbq with the whole family (SIL and her family, niece and her boyfriend etc etc), with various BS excuses about why they have had the time to come and see the new house and the kids since they started school etc. And then comes "P is not welcome here".

You know what? My boys will already have their own conflicting feelings about a man moving in and how that fits in with their feelings of loss and I dont want them to get the impression they have anything to feel guilty about due to Gary's parents finding things difficult. Ive been told that its me and the kids only to visit or not at all.

I feel like im being punished and the feel like the kids are too. I was told I will always only be the wife of his son and nothing else.

Im seriously tempted to say that they are more than welcome to visit here any time but I wont cater to these sorts of conditions on visits to their home.



#2 LynnyP

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:46 PM

Depends on why they are saying it.

If it is because any one replacing their son is not welcome, then that is probably harsh.

If they have a personal reason not to like your new partner, if he has behaved poorly to them or they don't like his interactions with you and your children or they just don't like him, then it is more understandable.

If they have seen him behave atrociously or heard of very bad bahaviour, then it could be very understandable.

I don't know enough to say.

#3 JRA

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:46 PM

No it's not fair, and I really feel for you.

The difficult thing is that your DH's parents are also probably very confused in life without their son. How your new man will fit into your life, their life, and their grandchildren's life is going to take time for them to work out.

I think it will take time for them to understand how your home is not their son's home anymore. They will feel that you have replaced their son, and that is another step in the closure process, and of course is very difficult for them.

All the best

#4 LittleListen

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:46 PM

Go with your gut IABW - you've been through enough and your kids need some stability and normalcy around all this.

I wouldn't go. Or if the children really wanted to go I would drop them off for a little while and come back and get them?

Its not fair to hold you to your past like that - its important for everyone to move on.

All the best OP.

Edited by eyesabove, 08 April 2012 - 01:47 PM.


#5 itsaboysworld

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:47 PM

The pure and only reason is that they want no one replacing their son. They have stated that repeatedly and that "its nothing personal"......feels petty ****ing personal to me.

ETA: They refused to help me pack and move house because I was apparently "betraying dh" by selling my home. They dont EVER ring me or the kids or visit and hadnt for at least six months before I even put the house on the market. ts not like they are suddenly in shock because P has moved in, its been a steady pattern of zero support and b**ching at me for ages.

Edited by itsaboysworld, 08 April 2012 - 01:52 PM.


#6 Crap Napper

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:49 PM

People who put conditions on relationships are not in the relationship for the right reasons. I would nicely state my position, and ask them to think about the message they are sending to their grandsons, and make sure my kids are only exposed to healthy, loving relationships without ulterior motives.

#7 Tiger Lilly

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:49 PM

I would not go in all honesty. If they cannot accept that you need to move on at some stage and accept that you are living YOUR life YOUR way, then too bad for them.

I obviously did not know your DH, but I simply cannot believe that he would not want you to move on and be happy - of course he would.

So you just continue to live your life, your way.

#8 tibs

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:50 PM

It must be hard on them to see that you have seemingly replaced their son which is something they can't do.

But as grown adults you'd think they would suck it up for the sake of their relationship with their grandchildren, which afterall is all they have left of their son.


#9 JRA

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:52 PM

Just to add to Lynny's comment. I am not sure how much your ILs are aware of the ups and downs with your new partner. If they have seen those ups and downs like we have, it is possible they have grave doubts. It was only 6? weeks ago you ended the relationship with him, and now you are living with him. They may just feel really unsure/difficult/confused by these sorts of things, and given he is "replacing" their son, it must be really hard for them.

#10 itsaboysworld

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:54 PM

JRA, I think youd find its been about four months since then as we reconciled just before my birthday. As for what they know about my relationship, they know bugger all as they havent been in touch and wouldnt have known more than what I told them.


#11 *Lib*

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:56 PM

You've put the ball in their court. Don't cause yourself or the boys any more angst. Give them a time limit, if they haven't contacted you in 2 weeks or so, write them off.

#12 M1B2G

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:58 PM

I would say right now with the move and short notice I would not go...

Their excuse about replacing their son is one that is not sustainable sorry.  I am sure their DS would want you to move on...

I think you may want to offer them an alternative time to catch up with the boys and you when maybe DP is not home...

#13 *Lib*

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:01 PM

FTR I wouldn't be taking P to my husbands parents house anyway......would you have really thought it was ok to take him there when your kids haven't seen them for 6 months. You'd use Easter as the opportunity to introduce your new partner to them???

Edited by *Lib*, 08 April 2012 - 02:02 PM.


#14 JRA

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:01 PM

QUOTE
JRA, I think youd find its been about four months since then as we reconciled just before my birthday.


My mistake, I was just going on  your posts, sorry

Then my original post stands, remember it is bloody hard for them too.  Give them time. Good luck

#15 Guest_~Karla~_*

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:07 PM

I'm going to go against the grain and say I can understand where they are coming from. Grief is a very personal thing. Everybody grieves differently and for different lengths of time and no one way is right.

As a parent, to see your son replaced in his own family would be heartbreaking. To see another man raising his kids would be devastating. To see your sons wife with another man would feel like betrayal.  Is it fair on you? No, but they are still mourning the loss of their son.

They are going to have to suck it up and deal with it soon enough. Maybe they're just not ready yet. I would take the kids and go to the BBQ and if an opportune moment arose, I would politely invite them over to my house to meet DP.  Explain that you know it will be hard for them, but you would love them to still be involved in your and your kids lives and that life now involves a new partner.

I don't think they are doing this out of malice, just out of grief.

#16 *Lena*

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:07 PM

I know it must be hard on them but lets face it I am sure your husband would want you to be happy and not miserable the rest of your life. If your new partner makes you happy I am sure your husband would be fine with it.

Personally if I had made all the effort in ringing, sending pics, inviting them to your new house etc and they have done nothing in the last 6 months then I would write them off. Seems like they are not interested and thats sad plus there loss. If they want a relationship with your children they will make the effort and it seems like they are not make the effort. The phone call asking you over seems like a after thought to me. If they wanted you there they would have asked you at least a week ago.

#17 Feralishous

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:15 PM

QUOTE (JRA @ 08/04/2012, 11:52 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Just to add to Lynny's comment. I am not sure how much your ILs are aware of the ups and downs with your new partner. If they have seen those ups and downs like we have, it is possible they have grave doubts. It was only 6? weeks ago you ended the relationship with him, and now you are living with him. They may just feel really unsure/difficult/confused by these sorts of things, and given he is "replacing" their son, it must be really hard for them.


this was my first thought too

#18 Polly Esther

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:16 PM

From people I've known who've had partners die, and then they go on to repartner, this kind of reaction seems kind of common. They don't seem to think the living party has waited long enough before moving on.

I don't think it's fair, but at the same time, their son dying young is not fair either, so I think you've just got to accept that they're going to have issues with some things and to just suck it up and deal with it. They have a right to their feelings, and if they feel happier not knowing the man you've moved on with, that's their choice and their right. You don't have to tell your children that P is not invited... talk about it together as adults and have P say something about how he's not feeling well, is going to go visit his sister, etc etc... something that means it's HIS CHOICE.

I'd take the boys for a token visit to Gary's parents... stay an hour or so... just so they get some face-time with their relatives... and then go home. There's no need for the boys to know that Gary's parents are not comfortable with P attending.

#19 itsaboysworld

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:20 PM

Theyve met P many times and ignored him from day one. This is not a shock. As far as they are aware I have been in a solid relationship with him for over a year.

I understand they are grieving, so am I.

#20 JRA

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:24 PM

QUOTE
Theyve met P many times and ignored him from day one. This is not a shock. As far as they are aware I have been in a solid relationship with him for over a year.

I understand they are grieving, so am I.


Each person grieves differently. And each relationship is different. For parents losing a child they know the child can never replaced. NOT that you are replacing Gary, but in their mind, in their grieving, it may  seem as you are.

It is bloody hard for all.

I hope they come around.

Good luck


#21 Expelliarmus

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:31 PM

It's not fair it is petty and spiteful and it is completely possible for a family to welcome an inlaw's new partner. My BIL's new wife is an integral part of my sister's grandchildren's lives and we recognize her role as BIL's new partner, grandmother to his grandkids and as a family member. Why does grief over one
person have to involve exclusion of another?

I wouldn't go, OP. I'd tell them that you are spending the time as a family and as your family includes P you will not be excluding him. They are welcome to visit you and see the boys or you are happy to bring P along to theirs and leave it at that.

Edited by howdo, 08 April 2012 - 02:32 PM.


#22 CallMeFeral

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:33 PM

Tell them to shove it. But more politely.

Let them know you'll be pleased to attend when they can issue an unconditional invitation.



#23 follies

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:36 PM

I would personally respect there wishes in not taking P - for now. 3 years is along time to be alone and they need to eventually accept that, but loosing a child? Adult or not no one ever gets over it.

It is frustrating but sometimes you have to put up with other people crap for the benefit of those you consider more important and I am sure your children would benefit more for seeing them then not.

#24 LambChop

Posted 08 April 2012 - 02:39 PM

You could take them on face value darl, they have told you, its not personal.

Honestly, if these were your own parents, then I would share your indignation.  But they're not, they're only in-laws, they have no 'relationship' with P, you're not married or anything.

I think that you should respect their wishes to keep at arms length.  If you want the kids to go see their grandparents today, or you want to see them yourself, go ahead.  Don't get all caught up in their grief, don't "punish" them for being ready (or not) to welcome a 'new son in law'.

I'm in a new relationship having separated, I would never ever presume to take my new man over to MILs and expect her to want a relationship with him.

I think you're possibly having too high expectations and taking things too personally, because part of the issue is that you yourself are still working through your guilt about getting on with life without Gary.

#25 wilding

Posted 08 April 2012 - 03:06 PM

QUOTE (follies @ 08/04/2012, 02:36 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would personally respect there wishes in not taking P - for now. 3 years is along time to be alone and they need to eventually accept that, but loosing a child? Adult or not no one ever gets over it.

It is frustrating but sometimes you have to put up with other people crap for the benefit of those you consider more important and I am sure your children would benefit more for seeing them then not.


yyes.gif




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Why I breastfed my son until he was three

The fact that I not only breastfed my son, but breastfed him for three and a half years, seems pretty incredible in retrospect.

Do babies and young children see ghosts?

Do babies and young children see ghosts? If you’ve pondered the question, you’re not alone.

15 years with Essential Baby: meet Therese

"Life has a funny way of giving you what you need when you need it the most."

Mum causes a stir by taking a stand against leggings

A mum has found herself the subject of debate after claiming tight bottoms cause lustful thoughts in men.

Don't set a parenting goal for 2015 - do this instead

The problem with goal setting as a parent is the measure. How do we really know if we’re succeeding?

5 pregnancy myths that just won't go away

When you're expecting, it often seems like everyone is keen to offer advice about what you should and shouldn't do in the interests of your health and wellbeing.

RPA hospital contacting mums after discovering vaccine storage fault

Sydney's Royal Prince Alfred Hospital (RPA) is trying to contact women who had babies at the facility after discovering a fault in a refrigerator containing vaccines.

'Nutella' not a baby name, French court says

A French court has blocked parents from naming their baby girl after the hazelnut spread Nutella, arguing it would make her the target of mockery.

Why I'm never calling myself 'just a mum' again

I’ve grown three human beings. I feed them, dress them, teach them, care for them and love them 24 hours a day. Yet for eight years, when I meet new people and they’ve asked me what I do, I tell them: “I’m just a mum”.

Rosie Batty named 2015 Australian of the Year

One year ago, Rosie Batty could not have imagined she'd be where she is. Tonight the grieving mum who put domestic violence on the national agenda was named Australian of the Year.

Five reasons to hug more

Hugging – some of us thrive on it, even depend on it – and then there are those who don't care for it really. So, are they missing out?

Help - my three-year-old has started throwing tantrums

My daughter never went through the "terrible twos" but began throwing wild tantrums shortly after her third birthday.

That's commitment

First peek at Sonia Kruger's daughter Maggie

"She smells so good, I could eat her," Kruger tells co-host David Campbell.

Mum assists in own caesarean surgery

A mum who partly delivered her own twins during a caesarean has encouraged other women to take control of their birthing experience.

How to handle common childhood regressions

Regression can be a natural and common part of development prompted by a variety of factors, but that doesn't make it less frustrating.

Disgruntled dad's pram ad goes viral

When buying a second hand pram, there are lots of things to take into consideration. 

Man discovers he's a dad after finding 55-year-old letter

Discovering you are about to father a baby is startling enough - never mind finding out you have a 61-year-old son.

15 thoughts mums have during a tantrum

Ranging from mild to feral and triggered by events both minor and major, tantrums certainly keep life interesting.

Natural pain relief in the early stages of labour

While managing labour pains on your own can be daunting, there are a number of natural pain relief options to help you cope until you are admitted to hospital.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Forgotten Baby Syndrome claims the life of toddler

One baby dies every eight days in the back of a car in the US, victims of 'forgotten baby syndrome'.

For a brief time, I was touched by an angel

For a brief time, I was touched by an angel. You stole my heart, and changed me into the women I am today.

Chinese woman gives birth to quintuplets

After six years of trying for a baby, a couple’s dreams have come true many times over after the mum gave birth to quintuplets this week.

Chrissie Swan has reached her "sex quota"

Chrissie Swan says she and her partner have sex once a year due to her fear of falling pregnant.

Stars help save choking babies

It's an important lesson to learn, but one that busy new mums and dads might overlook until it's too late.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel pregnant

Actress Zooey Deschanel is expecting her first child with her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik.

16 times 'dad reflexes' saved the day

Of course, in some cases they may be the ones who actually got their child into a precarious position in the first place, but we'll ignore that for now.

Couple's 'non-traditional' pregnancy announcement goes viral

Knowing you are not the father of your pregnant wife's baby would usually indicate a rocky relationship ahead for traditional parents.

The trials and tribulations of identical triplet newborns

Pip Donnelly is still playing spot the difference with her newborn identical triplets, Isabelle, Georgina and Frankie.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Earthquake baby thriving five years on

Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Back to School Offer

Findababysitter.com.au

We've got you covered for this school year. Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.