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Are you totally sure you want a kid?

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#1 springrose

Posted 04 April 2012 - 09:41 PM

Just wanted to know what do you think, if you are 100% totally sure you want to have a kid when you are doing family planning. As a woman, are you 100% committed and sure that you want to have a child? I am not, and have been in this state for a while. While I am not totally sure if I want to have a kid, I definitely was upset when I found out that I had poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Some people say you should have kids when you are totally sure, but there is another aspect where age is a concern too, don't want to have it too late. So I am kind of in a dilemma. Should I start planning pregnancy if I am 70% sure I want to have a kid?

#2 erindiv

Posted 04 April 2012 - 09:44 PM

The only person who can answer that question is you.

I was 100% sure both times. I wouldn't do it personally unless I was 100%, but for some people there is always that small % that is nervous/scared/whatever that never goes away. Only you know your personality that deeply.

Good luck with making your decision.

#3 it'stime

Posted 04 April 2012 - 09:45 PM

Oh I was not sure at all!

I had been trying to 'want to want to have kids' IYKWIM for two years before trying. Never had' that' feeling.

When I fell pregnant straight away, I was happy but still unsure.

My DS is now 16 months. Best thing I ever did. Can't wait to try for number 2.

#4 4WD_Baby#1

Posted 04 April 2012 - 09:47 PM

I wasnt sure. But 16 weeks into pregnancy i am sooo sure! A lot of people i know are currently pregnant. It helps to have company.

#5 ubermum

Posted 04 April 2012 - 09:50 PM

I wasn't totally sure until after I met dh. Before that, I didn't think I wanted children at all.

I'm not sure about a 3rd, but it's due next month.

Edited by ubermum, 04 April 2012 - 10:41 PM.

#6 newbubz

Posted 04 April 2012 - 09:56 PM

No I didn't really want kids. I've never had the urge to have biological children but my DH was super keen. When I found out I was pregnant I was happy but still didn't really know how I felt about having a baby.

DS is nearly 7 months now and he is the best thing I've ever done, I love him more then any words could express and we're trying for number 2 now!

#7 RichardParker

Posted 04 April 2012 - 09:57 PM

The older I get, the less sure I am.  I'm really clucky, but intellectually the idea of having a baby is becoming increasingly disconcerting.  But I think I'll be over the moon when I'm actually pregnant.  I think for some people, like me, it's a case of closing my eyes and jumping.

#8 Futureself

Posted 04 April 2012 - 10:03 PM

I think there is a difference in not being sure you want kids at all and still having doubts about the right time. I wouldn't have tried to wait for a time where I had absolutely no doubts -,that time wouldn't have come. Wanted and planned for pregnancies still bring fear, doubts, what ifs and uncertainty.

#9 themelster

Posted 04 April 2012 - 10:07 PM

I wasnt sure at all either. DH & I had been married 9 years & I was 35 years old.  It was a now or never situation & I didn't want to get to 40 & suddenly have my clock start ticking but potentially be too late - so we started trying.....

.... I fell pregnant within a month. DS is now 3.5 years old and I wouldn't put him back for quids  biggrin.gif   Our life wouldn't be the same without him.

Edited by themelster, 04 April 2012 - 10:09 PM.

#10 NotBitzerMaloney

Posted 04 April 2012 - 10:09 PM

I wasn't anything like 100% sure. Hell, I'm about to have #2 and I'm still not 100% sure.

If you think you would regret having a child, then really think about what you are doing. Seriously, you can look at the phrase "life changing" in two different ways, positive and negative.  

My DH wanted a kid - a million percent. It was kind of a pre-condition. Without that, I'm not sure if I would have gotten over the line.

And if I had waited for my biological clock to start ticking.... Well, that window would have been well and truly shut if that day ever came.

#11 soapy

Posted 04 April 2012 - 10:13 PM

I wasn't sure but I knew that I would regret it if I didn't. Glad that I did.

#12 Ingrid the Swan

Posted 04 April 2012 - 10:15 PM

I was never 100% sure while DP was pregnant, not even until DD was on her way out.

I'm 100% sure now and have been since I saw DD's beautiful little face.

#13 katevin

Posted 04 April 2012 - 10:20 PM

First time, in my naive blissful state, I was absolutely 100% sure a baby is what I wanted.

Second time around, knowing how hard being a parent can be, I most definitely was not 100% convinced that I was making the right decision. Now that she's here though, I'm sure.

Edited by katevin, 04 April 2012 - 10:21 PM.

#14 Guest_GreyMatter_*

Posted 04 April 2012 - 10:23 PM

I thought that maybe I might want a baby.  I suggested to DH that maybe we should do away with contraception.  3.5 months later I took a test and my initial reaction when it was positive was panic, and my first thought was "what have we done".  I was so far from sure it was ridiculous.  DS is now an amazing 4 1/2 year old that we couldn't imagine our lives without.  I was however absolutely sure with DD.  My only real regret is that we didn't do it sooner.

#15 Guest_Buy Me A Pony !_*

Posted 04 April 2012 - 10:33 PM

I've never experienced the urge to have a baby. I love children but babies I'm totally indifferent toward. I'd always envisioned myself taking in hordes of waifs and saving the world one neglected child at a time. Now I'm facing the birth of my own and am totally sure I want this but if it weren't happening I wouldn't be wanting it.

#16 follies

Posted 04 April 2012 - 10:45 PM

I am at the "crawl up in a ball and cry" point of pregnancy, not regretting it but not liking it very much either. I would not personally intentionally get pregnant unless I knew I wanted a child.

#17 ms flib

Posted 04 April 2012 - 10:47 PM

In my 20's I thought I'd never have children - the thought of giving birth and looking after babies/children etc just scared me to death. Around 30, after a friend had a baby, my biological clock went off and I've been clucky ever since. I found it really hard to face the fact that I would never have another baby.

Funny really.....never say never....

#18 Guest_Buy Me A Pony !_*

Posted 04 April 2012 - 11:14 PM

QUOTE (follies @ 04/04/2012, 10:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I am at the "crawl up in a ball and cry" point of pregnancy, not regretting it but not liking it very much either. I would not personally intentionally get pregnant unless I knew I wanted a child.

I'm not sure that there's much to like about pregnancy either.

#19 springrose

Posted 06 April 2012 - 04:49 PM

Thanks all, its really comforting to know that I'm not alone in this 'not 100% sure' issue. original.gif

#20 LittleRB

Posted 06 April 2012 - 04:56 PM

No I was not 100% sure. I think it puts a different slant on things when you are faced with the prospect of potentially not being able to have kids, rather than not being sure you are ready for them.

I found out I had PCOS when I was engaged (21) and gave DS an "out" as I knew he always wanted to be a father. Got married after 9 months, then spent 3 years TTC on our own. Then spent a year charting e.g. just in case, then at 24 I'd decided I'd had enough and we spent a year actively TTC e.g. surgery, clomid & then IVF (we were lucky enough to be successful on our 1st try).

I would say that when I made the decision to actually involve a fertility specialist, I wasn't 100% sure I was ready for a child, but I was 100% sure I WANTED a child. Prior to that - I think both DH and I had ummed and ahhhed about whether we could spend our lives together without children e.g. travel the world, focus on career and make heaps of money, spoil our niece/God-daughter, perhaps adopt in our 30's.

Once I KNEW I definitely wanted to be a mother and have DH's child, and that I wanted to experience being pg and giving birth to my own flesh and blood, I did everything I could do to achieve that.

I don't think you necessarily have to be 100% ready (I don't think you really can ever be prepared for that!), but you need to be sure you want to have kids and start trying as early as possible (or realistically convenient) if you have fertility issues.

#21 BetteBoop

Posted 06 April 2012 - 05:01 PM

QUOTE (Original Greenbag @ 04/04/2012, 09:57 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think for some people, like me, it's a case of closing my eyes and jumping.

It's as good an approach as any. Even if you desperately want a baby, there's no guarantee when it arrives you won't feel like you made a mistake or you weren't ready for the reality of a baby.

I wasn't ready for a baby at all. I let it happen by accident but by the end of the pg, was over the moon about it. And once I had DD, it was the best mistake of my life.

QUOTE (follies @ 04/04/2012, 10:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I am at the "crawl up in a ball and cry" point of pregnancy, not regretting it but not liking it very much either. I would not personally intentionally get pregnant unless I knew I wanted a child.

Sorry to hear you feel like this follies. Prenatal depression isn't uncommon and is worth checking out as a source of these feelings.

Having a baby is a massive change. I think it's normal to be a frightened and worried to a point. But if you're really stressed please talk to someone. If you are clinically depressed now, there is a chance of that turning into severe PND if it's not treated.

#22 Bibendum

Posted 06 April 2012 - 05:05 PM

With my first, I felt like I was in a position - in terms of life, finances, etc. - to have a child, but I didn't specifically /want/ a child, and wasn't sure I would make a good parent (I grew up as a foster kid, and didn't feel I had great role models for parenting).  But my partner really wanted a child, and I was getting older, and thought I might not be able to, if we didn't try then.  We got pregnant first cycle off the pill, in spite of only having sex once (I was actually sort of avoiding it because I was ambivalent about getting pregnant, and I had thought we were having sex at a time where it couldn't happen ;-P) - and I had a massive freakout at 16 weeks...  But I calmed down, and certainly from the moment of the birth, had no uncertainty - giving birth, and caring for my son as an infant, convinced me that I wanted other children.

That relationship wasn't working out, though - my partner, who had so wanted children, didn't deal well with the pregnancy, the birth, or having a young child, and we separated...  So I assumed I would have only the one child...

Years passed, I met my current husband - and am pregnant again.  This time around, I definitely wanted it, tried hard to conceive, but wasn't sure we'd be able to.  We're now 24 weeks along, and I'm really looking forward to it this time around.

For me, it was an issue of being quite frightened of having a child as an unknown, and unknowable, thing.  It took the fact of actually having one to make it come into focus...

#23 prettypumpkin

Posted 08 April 2012 - 05:07 PM

I love our 2 boys and deep down have always also wanted a girl, but after 2 pregnancies my stomach is ruined and my boobs are saggy and Im starting to think I really don't want to have another pregnancy. But dp is adamant we have one more to try for a  little girl, eeek the thought of morning sickness and get fat again makes me ill. I love our boys but don't know If I can do it again.

#24 lozoodle

Posted 08 April 2012 - 06:59 PM

I was 100% sure both times. But both times when I had a newborn I had the moments of "what have I done, this is a huge mistake".

It all passed, and I am still 100% sure we made the right choice.

Go with your gut original.gif

#25 Polly Esther

Posted 08 April 2012 - 07:04 PM

I'm not sure you'll ever be 100% ready because you can never know what the future holds, or what will happen/not happen if you have kids or don't.

Maybe that's just me though... I'm never 100% about anything ever.

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