Jump to content

Dilemma
Please help...


  • Please log in to reply
38 replies to this topic

#1 Cluckyandhopeful

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:05 PM

I am currently 35 weeks pregnant and have a condition called vulvar vestibulitis. My condition is not very common and isn't a familiar topic with most women.

Basically, the condition causes burning/itching/raw stinging sensation at the entrance of the vulva which has caused issues with having sexual intercourse - it can be very painful at times. It also causes muscle tightness and has caused me so much emotional pain over the years. Inadequacy has definitely been one of them.

After a lot of pain, anguish and heartache over the years with battling this condition (and lots of physical and emotional therapy) I am happy to say that DH and I have been able to resume a somewhat normal sexual relationship and I thank my lucky stars every day that we were able to conceive our little miracle. My condition has been great throughout my pregnancy and hasn't caused me any pain due to the hormones.

As my due date is drawing closer, I have decided to have an elective Caesar (to avoid any tearing or cutting of the vulva which can lead to issues trying for baby number 2 which we are planning for in the near future).

Our OB has been very supportive and was the one to suggest the Caesar (I could give birth naturally but there would be no guarantee's as to how I will be after the birth and down the track).

In saying all of this on an anonymous online forum, I now need some advice as to what to tell family and friends who don't know that I have this condition (and there is NO way in the world I want to sit down and explain all of this to each and everyone one of them - it is SO personal. DH and my parents are the only ones who know about this and I'd like it to stay that way).

My OB has suggested that we tell everyone baby is breech and that is why we need to have a Caesar. The other option, is to say that I have had other issues and that our OB has suggested we go in for a Caesar.

The usual reasons for a Caesar is that baby is breech, low lying placenta, labor won't progress etc etc. I could lie but how can I when this is our first baby and I don't have the experience first hand?

I don't want to lie about our perfectly healthy little baby but at the same time, I really don't want to divulge my birth story to everyone (I know a lot of women love sharing their stories, mine is not one I want to share. I'd rather share it if it was the usual thing you'd hear each time).

Of course there is also the feeling of guilt that baby will not arrive into the world when it wants (our Caesar is booked in for 39 weeks). I'm trying to get over this...

Can anyone help with any suggestions as to what I tell everyone? I don't want to tell them that I am having an elective Caesar because this leads to nit picky questions that I'm not in the mood to answer due to the hell I have endured due to this condition.

Thanks ladies.

#2 Majeix

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:10 PM

I would just say that the ob has recommended you have a c-section and leave it at that if they pursue furhter either say you don't want to answser or oh theirs a couple of minor medical issues that make it a little complex e if you really want to give am answer but really there is no reason too. It's no one else buisness when it really comes down to it.

#3 Gerbra Girl

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:13 PM

I told people that I had an elective ceaser due to medical reasons and no one really asked what they were. If they started to get nosy then I moved the conversation subtly to something else. I think if you are happy with the decision then others will follow your lead.

I was also unable to breast feed due to the amount of medication I was on for my overactive thyroid and when asked I simply said it was due to the medication going through the breast milk being a risk for the baby.

I also ensured that I was happy with my decision pre birth so it was not an issue for me. For me the only important thing was that I was OK and therefore my baby was OK. If those two things happened then I was enjoying my baby and therefore my baby was happy.

I wish you all the best with your birth. As someone said to me it is only one day out of so very many and at the end of it you have your child no matter how they came.

#4 Cacti

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:21 PM

I probably wouldn't tell them, just announce the birth and if asked, say that I had the caesar due to a medical condition. Then say that I didn't want to go into details if asked any further.

#5 Cluckyandhopeful

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:22 PM

Thanks for the words of encouragement ladies, I am in tears over here from relief that there are those of you out there who understand!

I don't think I will let everyone know of our booked date. We might do our own thing, enjoy the birth of our baby and then announce it and let them know about the Caesar. Thanks for your suggestions!

I have an appointment with our OB this week so I might have another chat to him about it. Perhaps I can say that we had some issues and baby needed to come out earlier? Or I can even point out that I've had issues along the way...hate lying, but need to do this!

All of you are so right, the important thing is that it's none of their business and that baby arrives into the world safe and well!

#6 Cacti

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:27 PM

C&H, just because someone asks doesn't mean you need to tell them. If they ask why you had the caesar, I'd say, "The doctors thought it was the best option, and we agreed" and say nothing further.

Edited by Cacti, 25 March 2012 - 04:27 PM.


#7 cardamom

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:43 PM

Cluckyandhopeful, I don't have children yet, so can't offer any advice on what to say to people, but wanted to give you a big bbighug.gif from a fellow V.V. sufferer.

It's so nice (well, nice isn't the right word, but you know what I mean. Comforting) to see that there are others out there with the same problem.

Best of luck for the arrival of your little one original.gif

#8 Princess.cranky.pants

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:57 PM

You really don't need to say anything. I have had 3 CSs. People don't really ask why I had them.

Two of my caesars were going to be electives (both girls lined upcoming early so were emergencies). Our plan was not to tell anyone other than our parents who were babysitting. A vaginal birth can be a surprise so why not a caesar!

Don't stress about it, just work it out as it happens.

#9 4WD_Baby#1

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:04 PM

i have vaginismus, I want a natural birth. I also am so happy to have conceived original.gif I am scared though. If in your position of elective C I would just tell people its bc of difficulty of delivery the normal way.

Good luck.

#10 Moo point

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:13 PM

One of my closest friends has exactly the same condition as you, and is booked in for an elective C-section at 39 weeks as well. Her OB doesn't even want her to get to the point of dilation so if she goes into labour early there are strict instructions to have an anaesthetist available to do an emergency C-section.

My understanding is that she is only telling people who know about her condition (parents and a couple of close friends) her C-section date, everyone else gets a vague due date, and she will just say that she required a C-section after the fact.

it can feel like you are public property, with everyone wanting to know every little detail - I've been asked outright was our baby natural or did we have IVF (from people with absolutely no clue we were even TTC); am I planning on a vaginal or caesarean birth; will I have an epidural; all sorts of personal questions that no one would consider asking about any other aspect of my life/health. You are perfectly within your rights to either tell no one what you plan, or that it's just for medical reasons that you don't wish to discuss.

Anyone who matters won't mind, and anyone who minds won't matter original.gif Best of luck for your upcoming birth!

#11 Guest_Buy Me A Pony !_*

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:14 PM

As others have said, you don't need to explain to anyone. That's not something I'd share beyond my DH tbh and I'm surprised you'd tell your parents or your ILs. I was booked in for a ceasar but it now changes every time I visit the OB so whether it happens or not is anyone's guess. I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed but it's just life that some of us can't do it all the way "nature intended" and I am grateful that we live in an era when some of us can have children without dying. Sorry to be so morbid but that's the reality of it for me as my complications have serious health outcomes so I get what you're saying wink.gif

Either way I hope you have a healthy birth without complication. Good luck - you're so close!

#12 Around_the_world

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:20 PM

Thinking of you OP as I to have been diagnosed with that condition although after alot of physio and doctors appointments I have improved alot. I am due in august and I have thought about wether or not a natural birth will be the best option but I have decided to try that first. My pelvic floor muscles are extremely tight though so here's hoping they loosen up to push.
As for telling friends and family, I don't think I would if I were you until after baby is born. And if people get too nosy simply tell them you'd rather not talk about it. Good luck.

#13 Froger

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:22 PM

You don't need to tell anyone anything. In fact sometimes the less said the better when it comes to C/sections. The more you tell people about your c/section the more people have to argue with. Don't give anyone anything to argue about is my suggestion, so tell them the least possible. There is usually going to be one person who wants to have a go at you about having a c/section, no matter your reason, so try not to worry and just ignore the people who want to argue.

#14 CallMeFeral

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:40 PM

I was going to suggest claiming to be breech, but you will get people telling you how to turn it. I'd go for the low lying placenta thing - I wouldn't have thought that would have many side effects you'd have to fake?
Or alternatively, if you don't like lying, just be vague and say it's because of some placenta thing you don't really understand, it was just the recommendation of the ob...

#15 opethmum

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:46 PM

Never do you have to justify your choice in delivery to anyone but yourself. If people ask how it went and need a story it is up to you what you tell them feel free to give as much or as little information as you'd like. I could not care less if a lady had a c/s or natural as long as they are happy and they have a little one that has made it into this world safely.
I hope you enjoy the birth and delivery of your precious little one and that you recover well and that everything goes well post op.
If any one chooses to criticise you for your delivery method is nuttier than a fruit cake and please feel free to give their name and address here so I can slap them for you!

#16 wenchwitch

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:51 PM

It's non of their business and me personally wouldn't want to lie or make it easier for them. I would probably say " well in many conversations with my ob we are in agreement that the best and safest way for us is to have a c-section" you don't need to go into details and you don't need to lie or feel bad. If they push for details then they are just rude and a reiteration of "both our ob and us agree that this is the best outcome for everyone" should be enough.



#17 keke

Posted 25 March 2012 - 07:44 PM

I just told everyone that I'd decided I was too posh to push original.gif No-one asked into the reason for my c-section after that.  
It was only decided 2 days before that I'd have a c-section and I only told a few family members in advance that it was happening and they knew the real reason why.

#18 Cluckyandhopeful

Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:09 PM

Thanks so much ladies, I am completely blown away by your kinds words and support. I really appreciate you all getting back to me, I feel much better about it all now. I am still coming to terms with what to say (because once we do, we have to roll with it!) so I hope I come to a decision that DH and I feel comfortable with.

Cardamom - thank you so much for your hug and for being so honest. I agree when you say it's nice to hear that there are others out there who can relate to the experience. I hope you are doing really well and getting the treatment that you need. Please feel free to PM anytime you need if you would like to chat further. I have had this condition for almost 6 years now and have had some great progress. Best of luck if you are TTC!

4WD_Baby#1 - congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so happy to hear that you too have been lucky. Enjoy the journey and best of luck with your delivery. Hopefully having a natural birth will help stretch those tight muscles and that you are better in the future more than ever! I too have considered this option as I have vulvodynia (but more specifically VVS) but the vulva is such a tricky area...

ange_75 - wow, your friend and I are very much alike! Please wish her good luck from me, it'll be very comforting to know that there is someone else out there on this track! I'm sorry you had so many personal questions about your pending birth (what is up with that??)

Tilli87 -  congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck with your birth plan. Will be thinking of you and hope that you have a beautiful experience! I'm so happy to hear that you have had some great doctors around you and that you are doing well. Best of luck with your pending birth!

Sorry for long post! Thanks again ladies, I am truly touched smile1.gif

#19 spersephone

Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:13 PM

I have this as well, but didn't have a Caesarean.  However, perhaps if I did, it wouldn't be such an issue for me now.  I wouldn't be telling anyone, I certainly haven't gone out of my way to tell people that my sex life is crap because it hurts so much, that I simply "put up" with it and get nothing out of it myself.

I think it depends on who you're talking to, and whether there is honestly any reason to disclose this to them.  Otherwise, just say it's been recommended by your doctor due to another medical condition you have.



#20 Marchioness Flea

Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:19 PM

I was induced(and knew about it beforehand) and never told any one in advance.
It gave us time to bond and me to recover(PPH and transfusion) and everyone was told when we were good and ready.

Have your baby and tell everyone afterwards it was a C section for you and the baby's health. No one needs to know anything different.

#21 LouwithTwo

Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:23 PM

It's absolutely noone else's business - and I hope you come terms with the decision you've made to have a C-section. It certainly sounds like the right one!

Although it's noone else's business, people are like to ask, esp people close to you like your and DHs siblings and close friends. They aren't being nosy, just interested and curious (Who isn't, I love all things baby and birth related!!  biggrin.gif )

You could certainly consider some simple phrases when asked why you had or are having a C-section like

"I don't really want to go into it"
"It had to do with my birth canal, so not a story a want to share" With a cheeky smile (Not exactly lying, and who would be game enough to ask after that!!!!)
"Just some personal health problems. Doc thought it may even affect chances of conceiving again" (Again, not exactly lying... and surely they wouldn't press this".

In the long run anyone that matters will drop the question if you tell them "It's personal" or "you don't want to talk about it"...

Good luck. (And remember the birth of your child is just ONE day in a beautiful, loved-filled life together!)

#22 NotBitzerMaloney

Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:24 PM

I would just tell people that your DD/DS has arrived. No letting people know when it's scheduled for, no announcing how s/he gets out - just a safe arrival, gender, name and weight (or whatever).  

Given the current obsession for asking *how* the baby got out, you will likely be asked later - so just have some responses ready then like:  
"I don't really want to get into the detail, we're just happy s/he is here"
"Through the sunroof"
"C/S so I could access the good drugs"
"Medically indicated C/S"
or as I said to a male co-worker who asked me
"Did you just ask a question that would involve me saying something to you about my genitals?"

Although I thought this was hilarious and have immediately decided to say this in future:
QUOTE (keke @ 25/03/2012, 08:44 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I just told everyone that I'd decided I was too posh to push original.gif No-one asked into the reason for my c-section after that.

I can see that shutting down further questions - awesome!

#23 cardamom

Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:56 PM

QUOTE (Cluckyandhopeful @ 26/03/2012, 02:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Cardamom - thank you so much for your hug and for being so honest. I agree when you say it's nice to hear that there are others out there who can relate to the experience. I hope you are doing really well and getting the treatment that you need. Please feel free to PM anytime you need if you would like to chat further. I have had this condition for almost 6 years now and have had some great progress. Best of luck if you are TTC!


Hi Clucky, thank you for your offer of a PM, I'm trying to send one but the system doesn't seem to be working for me sad.gif I'll contact mods now, and hopefully be able to message you tomorrow, if that's okay!

#24 ~A Poetic Winter~

Posted 26 March 2012 - 02:21 PM

I have this condition as well, bought on by the birth of DS. I had a shocking internal tear which didn't heal well (its getting there now though) and was going for an elective c/s as well for both physical and sychological reasons. I've now gone back to the plan of a vaginal birth. I'm quietly a bit scaredto do it this way again, but after much thought have decided too.

I was also concerned what I would tell people about why I had a c/s. Giving birth is such a personal thing and the ins and outs of it seem to become public property for many it would seem. However IF someone asks how you had the baby say by c/s and leave it at that. If they ask why just say it was deemed mdically necessary and put your foot down and say you'd rather not discuss it. Its nones business at all.

#25 sleeplessmamma

Posted 26 March 2012 - 02:37 PM

I totally agree with everyone else here, I had an emergency c-section with DS and some people still ask to explain why, I am having an elective c-section with this one due to the first. But the reason I am replying is that a friend has the symptoms you describe, possibly resulting from her first pregnancy and would love to get pregnant again but is scared to so reading your (and other PP's) stories is absolutely fantastic to hear. I've told her to come on EB to see if anyone else can understand what she's going through and to give her advice and support as well, and this thread proves it! Good luck hope it goes well, I'm booked in for the 19th April!




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

A solo birth, a wasp swarm and a forest fire: mum and baby's amazing story of survival

Desperate, out of petrol and low on food, a new mother lit a fire in the hope of attracting attention.

Boy found on swing died of hypothermia and dehydration, autopsy finds

The story was chilling and heartbreaking: a three-year-old boy was found dead in a Southern Maryland park, his mother pushing him on the swing.

Child's play and laughter help battle fatigue

Feeling fatigued? Uh-huh, thought as much. Join the queue.

Dad shares entertaining 'how to hold a baby' clip

For many new dads, their own child is the first baby they have ever held. So one dad has posted an instructive YouTube video titled "How to Hold a Baby".

The Australian baby with 100,000 Facebook fans

She may be only eight months old, but Egypt has already amassed more than 100,000 fans and received a letter from royalty - Hollywood royalty that is.

Public welcome outside church for Princess Charlotte's christening

Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have invited well-wishers to see Princess Charlotte outside church in Sandringham on day of her baptism.

Tongue tie: what you need to know

Tongue and lip tie can lead to many problems for babies - and their parents. Here are the signs of tongue tie and how it's treated.

My daughter is small but that doesn't matter

My daughter may be small, but it's my job as her parent to refocus back where it belongs - on who she is as a person

Wet wipes linked to rise in allergic reactions

The government has issued a health warning after a rise in allergic skin reactions has been linked to a preservative found in some wet wipes.

Gay couple in their 80s first to wed in Dallas after Supreme Court ruling

Love may have won, but it came with quite the wait.

William Tyrrell's family marks birthday with cake and renewed appeal

The family of missing boy William Tyrrell will mark his fourth birthday on Friday making a cake to share with friends and family as NSW police renewed their public appeal for information on his disappearance.

What all parents should know about safe babywearing

A picture of Ryan Reynolds always gets the girls talking, and a recently shared photo has done exactly that - but this time, it's for all the wrong reasons.

Baby's head shape reveals potentially fatal condition

Thinking her baby just had an unusually shaped head, a mother was shocked to discover it was instead linked to a dangerous condition.

'Help - my toddler hits me!'

My toddler has started hitting when he gets frustrated, is feeling ignored, or just thinks it might be fun.

Why IVF success rates may not be what you think

Transparency, accountability and responsibilityare essential measures to protect IVF vulnerable patients.

On the 10th anniversary of my son's death

This day marks a significant day. Today marks 10 years since I lost my son Kai.

Mother-in-law 'from hell' inspires survival guide

The happily ever after Nicola Milan had imagined wasn't to be – and she blames her mother-in-law.

Name your baby Quinoa, win a $10K gift card

Choosing a name for your little bundle of joy is always a major decision. It can be something traditional, trendy, creative … or inspired by the menu of your favourite chain restaurant.

Owning a pair of nail scissors does not make me a hairdresser

It's been a whole year since sleeping in until 10am. A whole year since having a peaceful shower.

The 83 children who were tragically let down in the last decade

Over a 10-year period, 83 children died from domestic violence abuse in NSW, with three quarters of the victims aged five years or under, the NSW Ombudsman has revealed.

Expert Q&A: Gross motor skill development in toddlers and preschoolers

Dr Katie Heathershaw answers questions about jumping, toe walking, riding a bike and being pigeon toed.

Is it reasonable to expect your partner to give up drinking in pregnancy?

From the moment that I fell pregnant with my son, I realised just how much my life had already started to change.

Stroke victim joins class action against makers of popular contraceptive pill

"I was terrified I would always be this way. The pill needs to come with a much higher warning."

Sexy time

Why you should get excited about scheduling sex

Unfortunately, the belief that sex should always be spontaneous is a myth. It just isn't.

When newborn photoshoots get messy

When it comes to newborn photoshoots, it is all about the timing.

Orphaned baby daughter Ayla wakes from coma

Former All Black Jerry Collins' critically injured orphaned daughter has awoken from her coma and is able to bottle-feed.

Dad takes miraculous catch while feeding baby

One American father has taken multitasking to a new level at a Cubs-Dodgers baseball game at Wrigley Field.

'Samuel is our firstborn, and he will never be forgotten'

Having lost their firstborn at one day old, the Carrolls were overjoyed to welcome their daughter Isobel into the world a year later.

Channel 10's Sarah Harris expecting first child

The Studio host Sarah Harris doesn't mind if her first baby is a boy or girl, but she does hope it is born with one thing in particular.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

27 funny ultrasound pictures

Ultrasounds give you a look at your growing baby ... and sometimes what appears to their womb-buddy, or your bub in an amusing position.

The top 6 misleading parenting terms

From 'morning sickness' to 'the terrible twos', there are many parenting terms that are misleading.

When 'good' nannies go bad

While most nannies take pride in their work, there can be some who have a hidden side.

Woman hospitalised for skinny jeans injury

Beware: skinny jeans might be bad for your health.

Gauze seeding: the bacteria-breeding birth trend

A number of women having caesarean deliveries are now taking steps to give their baby a better 'microbiome' start in life.

Jimmy Fallon writes new children's book for dads

Jimmy Fallon, host of NBC's The Tonight Show, recently wrote a children's book about every father's secret wish for their baby's first word to be "dada" - not "mama".

28 names for babies born in winter

Looking for some baby name inspiration for a bub born during the colder months? Here are 28 options from around the world to consider.

The horrible act that sparked a brawl at child's birthday party

The uncle of the seven-year-old girl at the centre of the brawl at child's birthday party in Sydney's west has described the events leading up to the alarming show of violence.

Babies 'benefit from iPads at a young age': study

More often than not, you'll read that screen time for children should be kept to a minimum - but some scientists are now challenging this way of thinking.

Do mums really just obsessively talk about their children?

Natalie Reilly describes three main types of conversations mothers have. And, surprise, they're not all about kids.

Why some dogs might attack babies or young kids

A baby's smell, the noises it makes and even its gaze can contribute to the potential for a dog attack.

Mum demands refund for 'beargina' christening cake

It was meant to be a tasteful cake to help celebrate a three-year-old's christening.

5 things no one warns you about after giving birth

How many times have you been warned about all the sleepless nights you have to 'look forward to' when you become a parent?

Police officer sang nursery rhyme as heartbreaking photo was taken

A police officer arrived at a devastating scene on Thursday: a car crash resulting in all passengers being thrown from the vehicle.

Don't worry, working mums: Just leave Dad in charge at home

Want to open the boardroom doors for women? Encourage - heck, praise - dads who stay home with their children.

Hilaria Baldwin shares post-baby selfie

Just two days after giving birth, actor Alec Balwin's wife posted a post-baby picture on social media.

'Help - my child won't ever do what I ask!'

Compliance is part of the parent-child relationship, but so is resistance. It's all natural.

Postnatal depression support gets $23 million boost in NSW

The Baird government will include $22.8 million in Tuesday's NSW budget to expand a program designed to help parents at risk of postnatal depression (PND).

'I'm just as tired, scared and stressed as you': stay-at-home dad's plea

I'm really lucky to have two great kids, but I found it really tough with so much being aimed at the mothers and not the fathers.

 

FREE TICKET

Get your FREE ticket to the Baby & Toddler Show

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.