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Dilemma
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#1 Cluckyandhopeful

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:05 PM

I am currently 35 weeks pregnant and have a condition called vulvar vestibulitis. My condition is not very common and isn't a familiar topic with most women.

Basically, the condition causes burning/itching/raw stinging sensation at the entrance of the vulva which has caused issues with having sexual intercourse - it can be very painful at times. It also causes muscle tightness and has caused me so much emotional pain over the years. Inadequacy has definitely been one of them.

After a lot of pain, anguish and heartache over the years with battling this condition (and lots of physical and emotional therapy) I am happy to say that DH and I have been able to resume a somewhat normal sexual relationship and I thank my lucky stars every day that we were able to conceive our little miracle. My condition has been great throughout my pregnancy and hasn't caused me any pain due to the hormones.

As my due date is drawing closer, I have decided to have an elective Caesar (to avoid any tearing or cutting of the vulva which can lead to issues trying for baby number 2 which we are planning for in the near future).

Our OB has been very supportive and was the one to suggest the Caesar (I could give birth naturally but there would be no guarantee's as to how I will be after the birth and down the track).

In saying all of this on an anonymous online forum, I now need some advice as to what to tell family and friends who don't know that I have this condition (and there is NO way in the world I want to sit down and explain all of this to each and everyone one of them - it is SO personal. DH and my parents are the only ones who know about this and I'd like it to stay that way).

My OB has suggested that we tell everyone baby is breech and that is why we need to have a Caesar. The other option, is to say that I have had other issues and that our OB has suggested we go in for a Caesar.

The usual reasons for a Caesar is that baby is breech, low lying placenta, labor won't progress etc etc. I could lie but how can I when this is our first baby and I don't have the experience first hand?

I don't want to lie about our perfectly healthy little baby but at the same time, I really don't want to divulge my birth story to everyone (I know a lot of women love sharing their stories, mine is not one I want to share. I'd rather share it if it was the usual thing you'd hear each time).

Of course there is also the feeling of guilt that baby will not arrive into the world when it wants (our Caesar is booked in for 39 weeks). I'm trying to get over this...

Can anyone help with any suggestions as to what I tell everyone? I don't want to tell them that I am having an elective Caesar because this leads to nit picky questions that I'm not in the mood to answer due to the hell I have endured due to this condition.

Thanks ladies.

#2 Majeix

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:10 PM

I would just say that the ob has recommended you have a c-section and leave it at that if they pursue furhter either say you don't want to answser or oh theirs a couple of minor medical issues that make it a little complex e if you really want to give am answer but really there is no reason too. It's no one else buisness when it really comes down to it.

#3 Gerbra Girl

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:13 PM

I told people that I had an elective ceaser due to medical reasons and no one really asked what they were. If they started to get nosy then I moved the conversation subtly to something else. I think if you are happy with the decision then others will follow your lead.

I was also unable to breast feed due to the amount of medication I was on for my overactive thyroid and when asked I simply said it was due to the medication going through the breast milk being a risk for the baby.

I also ensured that I was happy with my decision pre birth so it was not an issue for me. For me the only important thing was that I was OK and therefore my baby was OK. If those two things happened then I was enjoying my baby and therefore my baby was happy.

I wish you all the best with your birth. As someone said to me it is only one day out of so very many and at the end of it you have your child no matter how they came.

#4 Cacti

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:21 PM

I probably wouldn't tell them, just announce the birth and if asked, say that I had the caesar due to a medical condition. Then say that I didn't want to go into details if asked any further.

#5 Cluckyandhopeful

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:22 PM

Thanks for the words of encouragement ladies, I am in tears over here from relief that there are those of you out there who understand!

I don't think I will let everyone know of our booked date. We might do our own thing, enjoy the birth of our baby and then announce it and let them know about the Caesar. Thanks for your suggestions!

I have an appointment with our OB this week so I might have another chat to him about it. Perhaps I can say that we had some issues and baby needed to come out earlier? Or I can even point out that I've had issues along the way...hate lying, but need to do this!

All of you are so right, the important thing is that it's none of their business and that baby arrives into the world safe and well!

#6 Cacti

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:27 PM

C&H, just because someone asks doesn't mean you need to tell them. If they ask why you had the caesar, I'd say, "The doctors thought it was the best option, and we agreed" and say nothing further.

Edited by Cacti, 25 March 2012 - 04:27 PM.


#7 cardamom

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:43 PM

Cluckyandhopeful, I don't have children yet, so can't offer any advice on what to say to people, but wanted to give you a big bbighug.gif from a fellow V.V. sufferer.

It's so nice (well, nice isn't the right word, but you know what I mean. Comforting) to see that there are others out there with the same problem.

Best of luck for the arrival of your little one original.gif

#8 Princess.cranky.pants

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:57 PM

You really don't need to say anything. I have had 3 CSs. People don't really ask why I had them.

Two of my caesars were going to be electives (both girls lined upcoming early so were emergencies). Our plan was not to tell anyone other than our parents who were babysitting. A vaginal birth can be a surprise so why not a caesar!

Don't stress about it, just work it out as it happens.

#9 4WD_Baby#1

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:04 PM

i have vaginismus, I want a natural birth. I also am so happy to have conceived original.gif I am scared though. If in your position of elective C I would just tell people its bc of difficulty of delivery the normal way.

Good luck.

#10 Moo point

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:13 PM

One of my closest friends has exactly the same condition as you, and is booked in for an elective C-section at 39 weeks as well. Her OB doesn't even want her to get to the point of dilation so if she goes into labour early there are strict instructions to have an anaesthetist available to do an emergency C-section.

My understanding is that she is only telling people who know about her condition (parents and a couple of close friends) her C-section date, everyone else gets a vague due date, and she will just say that she required a C-section after the fact.

it can feel like you are public property, with everyone wanting to know every little detail - I've been asked outright was our baby natural or did we have IVF (from people with absolutely no clue we were even TTC); am I planning on a vaginal or caesarean birth; will I have an epidural; all sorts of personal questions that no one would consider asking about any other aspect of my life/health. You are perfectly within your rights to either tell no one what you plan, or that it's just for medical reasons that you don't wish to discuss.

Anyone who matters won't mind, and anyone who minds won't matter original.gif Best of luck for your upcoming birth!

#11 Guest_Buy Me A Pony !_*

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:14 PM

As others have said, you don't need to explain to anyone. That's not something I'd share beyond my DH tbh and I'm surprised you'd tell your parents or your ILs. I was booked in for a ceasar but it now changes every time I visit the OB so whether it happens or not is anyone's guess. I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed but it's just life that some of us can't do it all the way "nature intended" and I am grateful that we live in an era when some of us can have children without dying. Sorry to be so morbid but that's the reality of it for me as my complications have serious health outcomes so I get what you're saying wink.gif

Either way I hope you have a healthy birth without complication. Good luck - you're so close!

#12 Around_the_world

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:20 PM

Thinking of you OP as I to have been diagnosed with that condition although after alot of physio and doctors appointments I have improved alot. I am due in august and I have thought about wether or not a natural birth will be the best option but I have decided to try that first. My pelvic floor muscles are extremely tight though so here's hoping they loosen up to push.
As for telling friends and family, I don't think I would if I were you until after baby is born. And if people get too nosy simply tell them you'd rather not talk about it. Good luck.

#13 Froger

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:22 PM

You don't need to tell anyone anything. In fact sometimes the less said the better when it comes to C/sections. The more you tell people about your c/section the more people have to argue with. Don't give anyone anything to argue about is my suggestion, so tell them the least possible. There is usually going to be one person who wants to have a go at you about having a c/section, no matter your reason, so try not to worry and just ignore the people who want to argue.

#14 CallMeFeral

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:40 PM

I was going to suggest claiming to be breech, but you will get people telling you how to turn it. I'd go for the low lying placenta thing - I wouldn't have thought that would have many side effects you'd have to fake?
Or alternatively, if you don't like lying, just be vague and say it's because of some placenta thing you don't really understand, it was just the recommendation of the ob...

#15 opethmum

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:46 PM

Never do you have to justify your choice in delivery to anyone but yourself. If people ask how it went and need a story it is up to you what you tell them feel free to give as much or as little information as you'd like. I could not care less if a lady had a c/s or natural as long as they are happy and they have a little one that has made it into this world safely.
I hope you enjoy the birth and delivery of your precious little one and that you recover well and that everything goes well post op.
If any one chooses to criticise you for your delivery method is nuttier than a fruit cake and please feel free to give their name and address here so I can slap them for you!

#16 wenchwitch

Posted 25 March 2012 - 05:51 PM

It's non of their business and me personally wouldn't want to lie or make it easier for them. I would probably say " well in many conversations with my ob we are in agreement that the best and safest way for us is to have a c-section" you don't need to go into details and you don't need to lie or feel bad. If they push for details then they are just rude and a reiteration of "both our ob and us agree that this is the best outcome for everyone" should be enough.



#17 keke

Posted 25 March 2012 - 07:44 PM

I just told everyone that I'd decided I was too posh to push original.gif No-one asked into the reason for my c-section after that.  
It was only decided 2 days before that I'd have a c-section and I only told a few family members in advance that it was happening and they knew the real reason why.

#18 Cluckyandhopeful

Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:09 PM

Thanks so much ladies, I am completely blown away by your kinds words and support. I really appreciate you all getting back to me, I feel much better about it all now. I am still coming to terms with what to say (because once we do, we have to roll with it!) so I hope I come to a decision that DH and I feel comfortable with.

Cardamom - thank you so much for your hug and for being so honest. I agree when you say it's nice to hear that there are others out there who can relate to the experience. I hope you are doing really well and getting the treatment that you need. Please feel free to PM anytime you need if you would like to chat further. I have had this condition for almost 6 years now and have had some great progress. Best of luck if you are TTC!

4WD_Baby#1 - congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so happy to hear that you too have been lucky. Enjoy the journey and best of luck with your delivery. Hopefully having a natural birth will help stretch those tight muscles and that you are better in the future more than ever! I too have considered this option as I have vulvodynia (but more specifically VVS) but the vulva is such a tricky area...

ange_75 - wow, your friend and I are very much alike! Please wish her good luck from me, it'll be very comforting to know that there is someone else out there on this track! I'm sorry you had so many personal questions about your pending birth (what is up with that??)

Tilli87 -  congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck with your birth plan. Will be thinking of you and hope that you have a beautiful experience! I'm so happy to hear that you have had some great doctors around you and that you are doing well. Best of luck with your pending birth!

Sorry for long post! Thanks again ladies, I am truly touched smile1.gif

#19 spersephone

Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:13 PM

I have this as well, but didn't have a Caesarean.  However, perhaps if I did, it wouldn't be such an issue for me now.  I wouldn't be telling anyone, I certainly haven't gone out of my way to tell people that my sex life is crap because it hurts so much, that I simply "put up" with it and get nothing out of it myself.

I think it depends on who you're talking to, and whether there is honestly any reason to disclose this to them.  Otherwise, just say it's been recommended by your doctor due to another medical condition you have.



#20 Marchioness Flea

Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:19 PM

I was induced(and knew about it beforehand) and never told any one in advance.
It gave us time to bond and me to recover(PPH and transfusion) and everyone was told when we were good and ready.

Have your baby and tell everyone afterwards it was a C section for you and the baby's health. No one needs to know anything different.

#21 LouwithTwo

Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:23 PM

It's absolutely noone else's business - and I hope you come terms with the decision you've made to have a C-section. It certainly sounds like the right one!

Although it's noone else's business, people are like to ask, esp people close to you like your and DHs siblings and close friends. They aren't being nosy, just interested and curious (Who isn't, I love all things baby and birth related!!  biggrin.gif )

You could certainly consider some simple phrases when asked why you had or are having a C-section like

"I don't really want to go into it"
"It had to do with my birth canal, so not a story a want to share" With a cheeky smile (Not exactly lying, and who would be game enough to ask after that!!!!)
"Just some personal health problems. Doc thought it may even affect chances of conceiving again" (Again, not exactly lying... and surely they wouldn't press this".

In the long run anyone that matters will drop the question if you tell them "It's personal" or "you don't want to talk about it"...

Good luck. (And remember the birth of your child is just ONE day in a beautiful, loved-filled life together!)

#22 NotBitzerMaloney

Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:24 PM

I would just tell people that your DD/DS has arrived. No letting people know when it's scheduled for, no announcing how s/he gets out - just a safe arrival, gender, name and weight (or whatever).  

Given the current obsession for asking *how* the baby got out, you will likely be asked later - so just have some responses ready then like:  
"I don't really want to get into the detail, we're just happy s/he is here"
"Through the sunroof"
"C/S so I could access the good drugs"
"Medically indicated C/S"
or as I said to a male co-worker who asked me
"Did you just ask a question that would involve me saying something to you about my genitals?"

Although I thought this was hilarious and have immediately decided to say this in future:
QUOTE (keke @ 25/03/2012, 08:44 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I just told everyone that I'd decided I was too posh to push original.gif No-one asked into the reason for my c-section after that.

I can see that shutting down further questions - awesome!

#23 cardamom

Posted 26 March 2012 - 01:56 PM

QUOTE (Cluckyandhopeful @ 26/03/2012, 02:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Cardamom - thank you so much for your hug and for being so honest. I agree when you say it's nice to hear that there are others out there who can relate to the experience. I hope you are doing really well and getting the treatment that you need. Please feel free to PM anytime you need if you would like to chat further. I have had this condition for almost 6 years now and have had some great progress. Best of luck if you are TTC!


Hi Clucky, thank you for your offer of a PM, I'm trying to send one but the system doesn't seem to be working for me sad.gif I'll contact mods now, and hopefully be able to message you tomorrow, if that's okay!

#24 ~A Poetic Winter~

Posted 26 March 2012 - 02:21 PM

I have this condition as well, bought on by the birth of DS. I had a shocking internal tear which didn't heal well (its getting there now though) and was going for an elective c/s as well for both physical and sychological reasons. I've now gone back to the plan of a vaginal birth. I'm quietly a bit scaredto do it this way again, but after much thought have decided too.

I was also concerned what I would tell people about why I had a c/s. Giving birth is such a personal thing and the ins and outs of it seem to become public property for many it would seem. However IF someone asks how you had the baby say by c/s and leave it at that. If they ask why just say it was deemed mdically necessary and put your foot down and say you'd rather not discuss it. Its nones business at all.

#25 sleeplessmamma

Posted 26 March 2012 - 02:37 PM

I totally agree with everyone else here, I had an emergency c-section with DS and some people still ask to explain why, I am having an elective c-section with this one due to the first. But the reason I am replying is that a friend has the symptoms you describe, possibly resulting from her first pregnancy and would love to get pregnant again but is scared to so reading your (and other PP's) stories is absolutely fantastic to hear. I've told her to come on EB to see if anyone else can understand what she's going through and to give her advice and support as well, and this thread proves it! Good luck hope it goes well, I'm booked in for the 19th April!




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