Jump to content

Another overseas wedding dilemma
With a twist -- bride wants to pay our way there


  • Please log in to reply
30 replies to this topic

#1 runnybabbit

Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:17 PM

Hello EBers.

We live in Queensland and have just moved interstate, so we're pretty short on cash. Hubs has a stable income but we are renting and I'm not working at the moment. In short, we're getting by, but just. I'm hoping to go back to work part time (baby is 11 months old) in a few months but we want to buy a house this year and need to save up.

My best friend in the whole wide world is getting married this August... in the UK. I love her and I am so happy for her and her fiance. And I really, really want to be there -- she wants me to be a bridesmaid.

We absolutely can't afford to make the trip, and she knows that. So she's offering to pay for half our flights (for me and my DH) from Singapore to London, we'd make our own way from QLD to Singapore, and then we'd stay with her fiance's parents while there (accommodation therefore being free). But they can only put us up for about a week, so that's about how long we'd be staying.

I have a huge problem with this. She has just started a business and so far it's been doing really well -- three months in and already turning a profit, but she has debts to pay and they've just bought a flat in London, so they now have a mortgage, too. She's the most generous person in the world and I personally think her family often takes advantage of her financially. I'm not willing to become one more person who takes money from her.

This is really upsetting her, though, the fact that we can't go because I won't take her money. To me it means she will be taking on debt so that I don't have to.

A selfish element of this -- our 11-month-old is a bad sleeper and a whirlwind trip from Queensland to the UK for one week is likely going to be awful, crabby toddler jetlagged the whole time we're there, and then having to readjust once we're back.

Truly, though, the main reason we don't want to go (as much as I WANT to be there) is because I don't want to take money from her. I just can't. It's not pride -- it's more like I would be compromising my values if I took her money.

Am I wrong? Is it selfish to say I can't be there, when, well, I technically CAN?

(We can't really afford to borrow the money from her and pay it back, either, so that's not an option.)

#2 ~Delilah~

Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:19 PM

How about just you go?

#3 ljl211

Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:23 PM

QUOTE (~Delilah~ @ 22/03/2012, 10:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How about just you go?



This was my suggestion too!

#4 bubblebear

Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:23 PM

QUOTE (~Delilah~ @ 22/03/2012, 10:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How about just you go?


I was thinking this too, if you would be covering half the fare for two of you then you should be able to afford it for yourself, and it would bypass any traveling issues with your child. You also could then fully focus on her and being a bridesmaid, rather than worrying about a jet lagged toddler.

#5 runnybabbit

Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:24 PM

I'd have to bring DS along, and deal with his jetlaggedness and all that on my own. sad.gif

#6 Duck-o-lah

Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:28 PM

In ten years, what will you remember, your DS being crabby and tired, or being a part of your best mates wedding on a whirlwind trip across the world. I don't think you'd ever regret it if you went original.gif

#7 Zanjabeel

Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:32 PM

Could you possibly take the money as a loan to repay in the future?

Or take it and then one day in the future do something really nice for her?

#8 2bellaboos

Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:39 PM

QUOTE (duck-o-lah @ 22/03/2012, 10:28 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
In ten years, what will you remember, your DS being crabby and tired, or being a part of your best mates wedding on a whirlwind trip across the world. I don't think you'd ever regret it if you went original.gif


THIS!!!

QUOTE (Turando @ 22/03/2012, 10:32 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Or take it and then one day in the future do something really nice for her?


and THIS!!!

#9 kez71

Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:39 PM

i understand your dilemma. You could hunt around for a good airfare..My DH is heading over in June and he found a $400 ticket to singapore with jetstar and then an $1100 one from singapore to manchester with one of the arab airlines (Can't remember which one)..so $1500 to UK return. its a super good price, just a matter of changing airlines. If your friend wants to help you pay, then let her. Its her wedding, she should be able to do what she likes

If you only went for a week, you could leave DS with DH or another family member.



#10 Julie3Girls

Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:45 PM

I'd go yourself.

If you have just moved interstate, you presumably don't have family nearby. Could you get a grandparent to come to you in QLD, stay for the week you are away?  They get to see your new place, spend time with your son. And you don't have to worry about your son while you are away for a week.  

That drops your costs to just the flights for you.
And honestly, if she really wants you there, I'd even consider letting her share the cost of getting your there. The only reason you are going is for her wedding, going on your own, just for a week - you are not taking advantage of her, you are going there for HER.

#11 BJBubbles

Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:47 PM

How is it "compromising your values" ??  

I've been the bride in this situation.... and it's really hard to describe the thought patterns and feeling behind it...  

To me, it wasn't about money. It was about doing a favour for someone I love. We never asked or expected the money to be paid back - and never want it to be. Instead we wanted our friends and family to enjoy a holiday and celebrate our wedding stress free.

I would have been really disappointed and struggled to understand why someone would not accept the gift we offered them - there were no string other than they come to the wedding and enjoy the holiday!

Thankfully, everyone we offered to help, accepted, and all of us (total of 21 guests) had an amazing holiday!  My best friend (whom we helped financially) actually got engaged the day after our wedding andher now DH was stoked to be able to propose in such an awesome environment and we were all able to celebrate.

OP, put whatever your concerns are aside - your friend WANTS you to be there and wouldn't offer if it wasn't important and viable for her to give you the gift.  I think accept it graciously and go and have a ball celebrating her wedding!


#12 ~Delilah~

Posted 22 March 2012 - 09:48 PM

Why do you have to bring DS? If your DH can take time off work to attend a wedding in the UK, he can take time off work to be a parent while you are having a carefree time with your bestie.

Your child will survive for a week without you and he will still remember you when you come back.

#13 runnybabbit

Posted 22 March 2012 - 10:02 PM

Wow, thanks everyone for the great responses... I'm looking into flights for just me. original.gif DH will have to take a week off. Not confirmed yet, but I think this solution will be best. Of course I wish DH and DS could be there, too, minus the fractious toddler part, but DH is also adamant about not taking her money, so I think this might be the happy medium.

#14 roses99

Posted 22 March 2012 - 10:13 PM

You should go! Just you. Unless your son is breastfed, leave him at home with your husband. It'll be tough to be away from him, but you'll be ok. And he'll be with his dad.

I know someone who looked after his baby of a similar age, under similar circumstances. And honestly, he feels that the couple of weeks he had solo with his son was the making of their current close relationship as adults. What a great bonding opportunity for them!

Also...my best friend came home from Austria to be at my wedding. It's twelve years on, and the fact that she did that for me still means so much to me.

If I was in your situation, I'd seriously just take out a personal loan for about 5k and pay it back within a year. It's worth it. It really is.

#15 baddmammajamma

Posted 22 March 2012 - 10:16 PM

QUOTE (runnybabbit @ 22/03/2012, 11:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Wow, thanks everyone for the great responses... I'm looking into flights for just me. original.gif DH will have to take a week off. Not confirmed yet, but I think this solution will be best. Of course I wish DH and DS could be there, too, minus the fractious toddler part, but DH is also adamant about not taking her money, so I think this might be the happy medium.


Perfect solution. Well done!

Enjoy, enjoy!


#16 Majeix

Posted 22 March 2012 - 10:29 PM

edited due to lack of relevency with new update. original.gif Hope you have fun.

Edited by Majeix, 22 March 2012 - 10:30 PM.


#17 KristyMum-

Posted 22 March 2012 - 11:11 PM

brilliant.  middle ground found.
Hope you go and your friend (and you as her bridesmaid), her husband and all involved have a fabulous time original.gif

#18 Bunsen the feral

Posted 22 March 2012 - 11:22 PM

We got married here (both from UK originally) so a lot of our guests had to travel - we actually had it in our budget to help out certain people who we really wanted to attend. It was more important to have them there than to have fancy cars or a photographer so thats what we used our money for.

If your friend has offered to pay for you it is because it is important for her to have you there - you shouldn't feel bad about accepting her generosity, it's as much for her benefit as it is for yours!

#19 CallMeFeral

Posted 22 March 2012 - 11:36 PM

We paid for someone to come from South Africa for our wedding, because it was really important to DH. We'd have been really sad if they hadn't felt close enough to be comfortable taking the money. And I guess also it was only offerred because it felt like something DH wanted to do for them - if they'd said no he'd have always had that feeling that he never gave them that, never said thank you for what they meant to him, etc etc.

I think you should go. And if you are worried about DS - just go for shorter. We had a couple at our wedding who only flew in for 3 days 4 nights and then went back to the UK... it was sad they couldn't come for longer, but I so appreciated the effort they took to be there.

#20 runnybabbit

Posted 23 March 2012 - 10:08 AM

QUOTE (roses99 @ 22/03/2012, 08:13 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You should go! Just you. Unless your son is breastfed, leave him at home with your husband. It'll be tough to be away from him, but you'll be ok. And he'll be with his dad.


He is BFed, though. Do you think being away from him for about a week will cause him to wean? I'm happy to pump to keep my supply up. I'm hoping that at 16 months he won't be on more than two feeds a day. I'll post this in the BFing forum, anyhoo. wink.gif


#21 MrsWright

Posted 23 March 2012 - 10:37 AM

I'm glad you're looking into going, I know it's hard to accept such a generous gift but truly your friend wouldn't have offered if it was going to be a problem. That's how much she wants you there! If I offered to help pay my best friend to come to my overseas wedding and she didn't come because of not wanting to accept the offer, I'd be devastated. So yes, very glad you're thinking of going even if it's just by yourself original.gif A week in the UK isn't very long but I think you'll be so glad you went.

#22 Charlies Angel

Posted 23 March 2012 - 10:41 AM

I think that it is great that you've decided to go. It seems a sensible compromise.

It will also be such an exciting adventure to look forward to for the next 5 months. Yes, it is quite decadent to head to England for just a week - but something that you will remember for years.

And just think of all the movies you will be able to catch up on whilst on the plane! 24 hours of uninterrupted 'me time'.

#23 opethmum

Posted 23 March 2012 - 10:43 AM

I paid for my sister and now husband's airfares to their own wedding in NZ. They were in a rough patch financially and I have never regretted paying their fare. For them it was their ultimate wedding present. I do not hold them in debt because they are family and I am sure you are just family to her. She would not offer the money if she did not think you were worth it.
I would also maybe encourage some one in your family/circle of friends to help you in the trip if you want to take DS with you so that he can be minded when the wedding happens. I hope you can come up with a solution that you are happy with.

#24 roses99

Posted 23 March 2012 - 10:48 AM

QUOTE (Ferdinand @ 23/03/2012, 10:27 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think a trip to England for a week is ridiculous, you'd spend most of it in transit.

Why? She's not going for the sightseeing. She's going to be at her best friend's wedding.

#25 Chalkie

Posted 23 March 2012 - 10:54 AM

QUOTE (Ferdinand @ 23/03/2012, 11:27 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think a trip to England for a week is ridiculous, you'd spend most of it in transit.


I have been to London for a week for a wedding - yes it is hectic, but perfectly doable.  Especially if travelling alone because then there is a good chance you will relax and rest on the plane.

OP I am sure you will regret it if you don't go - go and enjoy!




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Natural pain relief in the early stages of labour

While managing labour pains on your own can be daunting, there are a number of natural pain relief options to help you cope until you are admitted to hospital.

Chinese woman gives birth to quintuplets

After six years of trying for a baby, a couple’s dreams have come true many times over after the mum gave birth to quintuplets this week.

Five-year-old shoots nine-month-old brother dead

A nine-month-old baby boy died on Monday after he was shot in the head by his five-year-old brother in their grandfather's home.

'Is that baby yours?'

She is my daughter. I gave birth to her. I nurse her. But she doesn't have any of my genes.

Episiotomy in childbirth: not just 'a little snip'

Episiotomies have a place in maternity care – and can occasionally save lives – but should not be performed routinely.

Toddler aggression not caused by language delays after all: study

The logic was that children who don’t have the language to fully express themselves will lash out when they’re misunderstood. Not anymore.

Why we chose to adopt a child with Down sydrome

Everyone in foster care (and really in life) has something that makes them more vulnerable. We just know what our son's is.

Object of desire

Curvy mums make clever babies

Scientists appear to have discovered why women have evolved to have more curves than men – shapely thighs and bottoms lead to healthier babies.

'We'll make sure they know how much she loved them'

A first-time mum will never get to hold her four newborns, dying shortly after giving birth to the quadruplets.

The baby names NZ knocked back in 2014

A New Zealander has tried to name their baby Senior Constable but didn't get away with it - and numbering children is also a no-no.

How can you go into labour without knowing you're pregnant?

For most of us, the idea that a woman could carry a child to full-term without knowing she is pregnant is mind-boggling.

Will you get to the hospital in time?

Worrying your baby will be delivered by the roadside is a common concern for many mothers-to-be. So how likely are you to be caught short?

Video: Funny 'Lips Are Moving' parody just for mums

Meghan Trainor's song 'Lips Are Moving' was already a hit, but now it's been turned into a hilarious parody that is set to be very popular with frustrated mums everywhere.

Out with the clutter

Decluttering by the numbers: take the 30-day challenge

Forget the 5:2 diet - Twitter's 30-day declutter challenge will have your house back in shape in no time (well, a month).

Parents, don't be too hard on yourselves

We need to stop damning parents of today, and embrace their appetite for knowledge instead.

Is my baby normal?

There are chubby Buddha babies and there are thin, smaller babies. Neither are right or wrong, they are all 'normal'.

When an older sibling starts school

When one child goes to ‘big school’ and leaves the other behind, it can cause deep upset. Here's how to make the transition easier.

Stray cat saves abandoned baby

They say dogs are man's best friend, but one cat has proven felines can be just as devoted to their human companions.

How strangers are helping a mum's wish come true after her death

A mum of five, Liz Marquez wanted to breastfeed her premmie son for a year. So when she passed away suddenly, her friends - and strangers - stepped in to help.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Stars help save choking babies

It's an important lesson to learn, but one that busy new mums and dads might overlook until it's too late.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel pregnant

Actress Zooey Deschanel is expecting her first child with her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik.

16 times 'dad reflexes' saved the day

Of course, in some cases they may be the ones who actually got their child into a precarious position in the first place, but we'll ignore that for now.

Couple's 'non-traditional' pregnancy announcement goes viral

Knowing you are not the father of your pregnant wife's baby would usually indicate a rocky relationship ahead for traditional parents.

The trials and tribulations of identical triplet newborns

Pip Donnelly is still playing spot the difference with her newborn identical triplets, Isabelle, Georgina and Frankie.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Earthquake baby thriving five years on

Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

Win with The Boxtrolls

To celebrate the release of The Boxtrolls on 3D Blu-ray, DVD & Digital with UltraViolet, we're giving you the chance to win a Boxtroll stationary package and DVD.

 

Back to School Offer

Findababysitter.com.au

We've got you covered for this school year. Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.