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Announcing accidental pregnancy to best friend
She has been TTC for 7 years


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61 replies to this topic

#1 more than just Mum

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:15 AM

Oops.

Yep, I fell pregnant. And I desperately want to tell my best mate, but don't know how. She has been TTC #1 for 7 years (male factor) and I know it will be hard on her.

She starts ICSI in a few weeks.

How do I tell her?

#2 No-pants Agnodice

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:19 AM

Do you have to tell her it was an accident?

#3 Guest_Dinah_Harris_*

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:21 AM

Congratulations!
One-on-one gently, over coffee and cake.  
Don't go into the whole accidental thing.  Just keep it simple.
Good on you for caring about the feelings of your friend.  And please don't be upset with her if she doesn't jump up and down and scream with excitement for you.  She might - but equally, her happiness for you may be tempered with sadness.  
Hope this helps.

#4 wannabamumma

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:22 AM

QUOTE (MsN @ 20/03/2012, 08:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Do you have to tell her it was an accident?


I would be thinking this as well. Is there any reason that this couldnt be a planned pregnancy?

#5 more than just Mum

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:23 AM

She will know it is an accident - my boyfriend is her brother and we don't even live together!

#6 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:27 AM

my friend and i started ttc #2 at the same time. she ended up having a baby girl a couple of months ago...7months after hers was born, my bubba will be born. she felt bad telling me when she had conceived but even though it was a bit bittersweet for me, i didnt resent her for it. after she found out she was preg, i learned of about 8 other friends and aquaintances who fell preg...it starts to get frustrating then but its still not anyone's fault..( excpert maybe my poor hubby- he's a painter. big nono if you want a baby.)life is just unpredictable, its not your fault!(or your friends because she hasnt conceived yet). i think she's be more hurt if you didnt tell her. it may be hard for her to hear ( esp after 7 years) but sounds like she is a true friend and will be supportive.all the best. happy.gif
ETA; ohh, so she'll be an aunty! ( real as well as honorary)that may be a good thing to focus on...

Edited by pinkcupcakes, 20 March 2012 - 07:30 AM.


#7 amabanana

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:29 AM

You might need to change your initial post to say, 'pregnant with her niece and I don't live with her brother.'  That's a whole lot of different IMO.



#8 BentoBaby

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:39 AM

QUOTE (more than just Mum @ 20/03/2012, 08:23 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She will know it is an accident - my boyfriend is her brother and we don't even live together!



Umm, I'd probably still not point out the accident part (she can just assume). I presume she dealt with this with your first (who I assume was also unplanned?) As a side note, I think you need to change your method of contraception if this is the 2nd "surprise"!

#9 Soontobegran

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:40 AM

You can not presume how she will react but that is not a reason for non disclosure however there is no reason to tell her now, you could wait like many people until the end of the first trimester to share the news.
How will she feel? She'll most likely be incredibly envious that you have got pregnant to her brother when you don't even live with him whilst she is about to commence ICSI for a planned and wanted pregnancy.
These feeling do not detract from your pregnancy excitement but you'll need to be prepared for a response that may not be favourable and understand why.

We didn't tell my brother and SIL until 20 weeks with #5 as they were going through years of infertility and we had just had our 4th surprise pregnancy. They were VERY upset that we kept it from them.

#10 mks81

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:56 AM

Congratulations on your pregnancy. We were accidental as well but very excited, I would be slightly p*ssed if someone made comment about my contraception needing changing as this our second 'accident' as well, (9 years apart).


I suppose there is no easy way to tell her but to expect that while she might be pleased for you, this will obviously hurt her.

Don't even bring the word accident up in this case. Just be gentle and say you want her to know you understand if she isn't completely happy for you at this time. This sort of thing, especially at the moment sets me off in tears so I hope you can be a little stronger. I would make an emphasis on the Aunt bit as well. But don't take it too hard if she wants to back off for a little while to deal with the news on her own.

You can be over the moon for yourself and still be sad for her, gentle, gentle is the way to go.You already sound like a good friend for being more worried about her at the moment. Goodluck.

#11 more than just Mum

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:59 AM

Thanks guys. I will invite her out for a quiet talk and be prepared she may not be excited. She will be the first to know and it will give her a few weeks before we announce it to the rest of the family.

I know she will be happy for me. Her brother and I have been together for over 4 years - she has hoped I would fall pregnant one day.

DD is from a previous relationship, however these days DBF is her dad. He is happy about it though!

#12 leebec

Posted 20 March 2012 - 08:09 AM

Speaking from the fact that I am dealing with this at the moment I dont think I would do it face to face.

I have had that many pregnancy announcements since all our issues came to light and they are getting worse and worse and extremely hard to deal with. What makes it even harder is that the people who are announcing know exactly what we are going through and dont care and just blurt it out.

Its good that you are sensitive to her feelings and want to tell her before anyone else. If it was me who was on the receiving end of that I would want it in a text message. That way I would not have to be in the same room as you can could throw my phone, get upset, cry and do all those things in my own space and my own time and then when the time came to see you I could deal with it. I still would probably not show excitement but would deal with it.

I know thats being a bit brutal but thats how I feel and thats how I would want someone to tell me. Your friend might be totally differnet and you probably know her best.



#13 Country (deci)Mel

Posted 20 March 2012 - 08:11 AM

QUOTE (pinkcupcakes @ 20/03/2012, 08:27 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
ETA; ohh, so she'll be an aunty! ( real as well as honorary)that may be a good thing to focus on...


As someone who has been TTC for over 6 years - I have to say that DON'T carry on about how awesome it is that she will be an Auntie.... it is nearly as patronising as people referring to your pets as 'your new babies'.

It makes you feel like everyone has given up on you ever being a Mother and are already putting you in the 'childless aunt/crazy catwoman' box.


She is your friend she will be pleased for you, but she will also be sad for herself - all I can suggest is that you focus on the ICSI being successful and how much fun it will be that you can have cousins who can play together. (fingers crossed)

#14 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 20 March 2012 - 08:26 AM

What Countrymel said re Auntie.  

Good on you for being so sensitive.  You may find there is an extra bit of sadness/jealousy because you are giving her parents a grandchild before her.  This will be worse if it is the first and/ or her bro is younger.

#15 threeinnyc

Posted 20 March 2012 - 09:09 AM

QUOTE (MsN @ 20/03/2012, 08:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Do you have to tell her it was an accident?


For the 1st time I'm with MsN!

But then again I don't believe in such thing; accidental pregnancy. Sorry.

Just keep the accidental info to yourself, OP esp knowing that your BF has been trying for quite sometimes.

All the best!






#16 jojonbeanie

Posted 20 March 2012 - 09:53 AM

Sooner rather than later I think is the key here. If it's hard for her to hear it's going to be even harder to hear when she realises you have known about the pregnancy for a while. Worst thing could be her hearing it from someone else.

ETA Congratulations!

Edited by jojonbeanie, 20 March 2012 - 09:54 AM.


#17 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 20 March 2012 - 11:06 AM

I'd probably just ring her up and say I have some news and let her know over the phone.  Keep it short and sweet, don't gush too much over anything, answer whatever questions she has and then end the call quietly, saying you wanted her to know as soon as possible and not through the grapevine, you understand the news might rock her around a bit but you'll call her soon to arrange xyz.  

You make a big deal out of it, it will be a big deal.  Do it in person and it could just be awkward.  (My friend who is having problems TTC has been taken out a few times by friends for coffee to be told be the "big news" - she hates being put on the spot like that, she said she feels like she is being examined like a deer in headlights, making sure she is okay with it all)  

Not quite sure why you have to be the one to tell her - what about her brother???


#18 Snorlax

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:04 PM

Congratulations!

I'm in a similar situation actually (& I posted on here to ask advice as well). My sister is long term TTC & we weren't planning on TTC but fell pregnant & will have to tell her once I'm a little further along.

We've decided to tell my sister 1st over the phone (she lives OS), & I don't want to put her on the spot or make her feel pressured into being happy for us at 1st. I know she will be happy later on, but I understand (having been TTC in the past for a while) that it is tough.

I'm a bit muddle headed today so please excuse me if I cause any offence, but why shouldn't you tell her it was an accident?

In my situation I think it would be more hurtful if sister was to think I was TTC knowing that she was having trouble, for me I feel overwhelming guilt about falling pregnant given her situation. I'd hate her to think I was so insensitive as to plan this at such a time. shrug.gif

#19 geckosrule

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:24 PM

I've been the best friend TTC for years when my friend accidentally fell pregnant.

She rang me and wanted to come over, she told me in person, she told me it was accidental, she told me she was excited, she told me she wanted to hear it directly from her, she told me how sorry she was that the same thing couldn't happen to me and she told me that she understood if I was sad and jealous.

I was excited for her...genuinely and I told her I couldn't wait to meet her new baby.  At the same time I also told her that i was upset by it too.  I was jealous and keep thinking it wasn't fair.

When she left, I went into my bedroom and cried so much.  Why couldn't I get pregnant?  It's not fair!

I appreciated that she told me how she did and wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Her baby...a little boy who calls me Aunty Geckosrule.....I love him to bits.

#20 Bluenomi

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:31 PM

QUOTE (countrymel @ 20/03/2012, 09:11 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
As someone who has been TTC for over 6 years - I have to say that DON'T carry on about how awesome it is that she will be an Auntie.... it is nearly as patronising as people referring to your pets as 'your new babies'.

It makes you feel like everyone has given up on you ever being a Mother and are already putting you in the 'childless aunt/crazy catwoman' box.


She is your friend she will be pleased for you, but she will also be sad for herself - all I can suggest is that you focus on the ICSI being successful and how much fun it will be that you can have cousins who can play together. (fingers crossed)


Wow, you are a spoilt sport. One of the most excited people when I got pregnant was a friend who has been trying for a very long time to get pregnant and now possibly never will since she's gotten divorced. She was so excited to be an 'auntie', she decided to call herself that and adores the roll of honorary aunt. Just because you don't want people to tell you that, don't assume everyone else has the same issues.

BTW, she's also happy calling herself a crazy catwoman and we both call each other's cats our babies

#21 niggles

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:37 PM

^^Did you really just post that?

#22 Satay Chicken

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:38 PM

QUOTE (Bluenomi @ 20/03/2012, 01:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Wow, you are a spoilt sport. One of the most excited people when I got pregnant was a friend who has been trying for a very long time to get pregnant and now possibly never will since she's gotten divorced. She was so excited to be an 'auntie', she decided to call herself that and adores the roll of honorary aunt. Just because you don't want people to tell you that, don't assume everyone else has the same issues.

BTW, she's also happy calling herself a crazy catwoman and we both call each other's cats our babies


Bluenomi - I can pretty much guarentee your friend would have put on a brave face and "acted" excited..

Edit to answer OP's question.. Personally I think you should send her a card, or an email - that gives her a chance to digest your news and come back to you when she is ready..

Edited by Satay chicken, 20 March 2012 - 12:41 PM.


#23 PigNewton

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:45 PM

QUOTE
Wow, you are a spoilt sport. One of the most excited people when I got pregnant was a friend who has been trying for a very long time to get pregnant and now possibly never will since she's gotten divorced. She was so excited to be an 'auntie', she decided to call herself that and adores the roll of honorary aunt. Just because you don't want people to tell you that, don't assume everyone else has the same issues.


Big difference between CHOOSING to be an honourary auntie and being TOLD you will be an honourary auntie. Just because you know someone with fertility problems who was ok with the idea, don't assume everyone else will be, because they really aren't. Also spoilsport, one word.

OP, it's a tricky situation. I agree with the PP who asked why your friend's brother couldn't be the one to tell your friend...it's his child too.

Congratulations and here's hoping you have a smooth pregnancy and birth!

#24 podg

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:48 PM

Could you text and say 'X and I have some news we want to share, but worried it might upset you... would love to tell you in person/on phone when you are ready. Let me know a good time to call. xo'

Let her take the lead. She's your best friend - would she guess? She then has the option to call right back all excited, not call until she's had a cry, text you back and ask if you are pregnant, organise a meeting. I think that would have worked well for me when long term TTC.

#25 Snorlax

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:52 PM

QUOTE
'X and I have some news we want to share, but worried it might upset you... would love to tell you in person/on phone when you are ready. Let me know a good time to call


I really like this suggestion actually. And I think I'll use it in my situation too (thanks PP!).




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