Jump to content

Announcing accidental pregnancy to best friend
She has been TTC for 7 years


  • Please log in to reply
61 replies to this topic

#1 more than just Mum

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:15 AM

Oops.

Yep, I fell pregnant. And I desperately want to tell my best mate, but don't know how. She has been TTC #1 for 7 years (male factor) and I know it will be hard on her.

She starts ICSI in a few weeks.

How do I tell her?

#2 Fright bat

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:19 AM

Do you have to tell her it was an accident?

#3 Guest_Dinah_Harris_*

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:21 AM

Congratulations!
One-on-one gently, over coffee and cake.  
Don't go into the whole accidental thing.  Just keep it simple.
Good on you for caring about the feelings of your friend.  And please don't be upset with her if she doesn't jump up and down and scream with excitement for you.  She might - but equally, her happiness for you may be tempered with sadness.  
Hope this helps.

#4 wannabamumma

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:22 AM

QUOTE (MsN @ 20/03/2012, 08:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Do you have to tell her it was an accident?


I would be thinking this as well. Is there any reason that this couldnt be a planned pregnancy?

#5 more than just Mum

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:23 AM

She will know it is an accident - my boyfriend is her brother and we don't even live together!

#6 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:27 AM

my friend and i started ttc #2 at the same time. she ended up having a baby girl a couple of months ago...7months after hers was born, my bubba will be born. she felt bad telling me when she had conceived but even though it was a bit bittersweet for me, i didnt resent her for it. after she found out she was preg, i learned of about 8 other friends and aquaintances who fell preg...it starts to get frustrating then but its still not anyone's fault..( excpert maybe my poor hubby- he's a painter. big nono if you want a baby.)life is just unpredictable, its not your fault!(or your friends because she hasnt conceived yet). i think she's be more hurt if you didnt tell her. it may be hard for her to hear ( esp after 7 years) but sounds like she is a true friend and will be supportive.all the best. happy.gif
ETA; ohh, so she'll be an aunty! ( real as well as honorary)that may be a good thing to focus on...

Edited by pinkcupcakes, 20 March 2012 - 07:30 AM.


#7 amabanana

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:29 AM

You might need to change your initial post to say, 'pregnant with her niece and I don't live with her brother.'  That's a whole lot of different IMO.



#8 BentoBaby

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:39 AM

QUOTE (more than just Mum @ 20/03/2012, 08:23 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She will know it is an accident - my boyfriend is her brother and we don't even live together!



Umm, I'd probably still not point out the accident part (she can just assume). I presume she dealt with this with your first (who I assume was also unplanned?) As a side note, I think you need to change your method of contraception if this is the 2nd "surprise"!

#9 Soontobegran

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:40 AM

You can not presume how she will react but that is not a reason for non disclosure however there is no reason to tell her now, you could wait like many people until the end of the first trimester to share the news.
How will she feel? She'll most likely be incredibly envious that you have got pregnant to her brother when you don't even live with him whilst she is about to commence ICSI for a planned and wanted pregnancy.
These feeling do not detract from your pregnancy excitement but you'll need to be prepared for a response that may not be favourable and understand why.

We didn't tell my brother and SIL until 20 weeks with #5 as they were going through years of infertility and we had just had our 4th surprise pregnancy. They were VERY upset that we kept it from them.

#10 mks81

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:56 AM

Congratulations on your pregnancy. We were accidental as well but very excited, I would be slightly p*ssed if someone made comment about my contraception needing changing as this our second 'accident' as well, (9 years apart).


I suppose there is no easy way to tell her but to expect that while she might be pleased for you, this will obviously hurt her.

Don't even bring the word accident up in this case. Just be gentle and say you want her to know you understand if she isn't completely happy for you at this time. This sort of thing, especially at the moment sets me off in tears so I hope you can be a little stronger. I would make an emphasis on the Aunt bit as well. But don't take it too hard if she wants to back off for a little while to deal with the news on her own.

You can be over the moon for yourself and still be sad for her, gentle, gentle is the way to go.You already sound like a good friend for being more worried about her at the moment. Goodluck.

#11 more than just Mum

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:59 AM

Thanks guys. I will invite her out for a quiet talk and be prepared she may not be excited. She will be the first to know and it will give her a few weeks before we announce it to the rest of the family.

I know she will be happy for me. Her brother and I have been together for over 4 years - she has hoped I would fall pregnant one day.

DD is from a previous relationship, however these days DBF is her dad. He is happy about it though!

#12 leebec

Posted 20 March 2012 - 08:09 AM

Speaking from the fact that I am dealing with this at the moment I dont think I would do it face to face.

I have had that many pregnancy announcements since all our issues came to light and they are getting worse and worse and extremely hard to deal with. What makes it even harder is that the people who are announcing know exactly what we are going through and dont care and just blurt it out.

Its good that you are sensitive to her feelings and want to tell her before anyone else. If it was me who was on the receiving end of that I would want it in a text message. That way I would not have to be in the same room as you can could throw my phone, get upset, cry and do all those things in my own space and my own time and then when the time came to see you I could deal with it. I still would probably not show excitement but would deal with it.

I know thats being a bit brutal but thats how I feel and thats how I would want someone to tell me. Your friend might be totally differnet and you probably know her best.



#13 HRH Countrymel

Posted 20 March 2012 - 08:11 AM

QUOTE (pinkcupcakes @ 20/03/2012, 08:27 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
ETA; ohh, so she'll be an aunty! ( real as well as honorary)that may be a good thing to focus on...


As someone who has been TTC for over 6 years - I have to say that DON'T carry on about how awesome it is that she will be an Auntie.... it is nearly as patronising as people referring to your pets as 'your new babies'.

It makes you feel like everyone has given up on you ever being a Mother and are already putting you in the 'childless aunt/crazy catwoman' box.


She is your friend she will be pleased for you, but she will also be sad for herself - all I can suggest is that you focus on the ICSI being successful and how much fun it will be that you can have cousins who can play together. (fingers crossed)

#14 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 20 March 2012 - 08:26 AM

What Countrymel said re Auntie.  

Good on you for being so sensitive.  You may find there is an extra bit of sadness/jealousy because you are giving her parents a grandchild before her.  This will be worse if it is the first and/ or her bro is younger.

#15 threeinnyc

Posted 20 March 2012 - 09:09 AM

QUOTE (MsN @ 20/03/2012, 08:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Do you have to tell her it was an accident?


For the 1st time I'm with MsN!

But then again I don't believe in such thing; accidental pregnancy. Sorry.

Just keep the accidental info to yourself, OP esp knowing that your BF has been trying for quite sometimes.

All the best!






#16 jojonbeanie

Posted 20 March 2012 - 09:53 AM

Sooner rather than later I think is the key here. If it's hard for her to hear it's going to be even harder to hear when she realises you have known about the pregnancy for a while. Worst thing could be her hearing it from someone else.

ETA Congratulations!

Edited by jojonbeanie, 20 March 2012 - 09:54 AM.


#17 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 20 March 2012 - 11:06 AM

I'd probably just ring her up and say I have some news and let her know over the phone.  Keep it short and sweet, don't gush too much over anything, answer whatever questions she has and then end the call quietly, saying you wanted her to know as soon as possible and not through the grapevine, you understand the news might rock her around a bit but you'll call her soon to arrange xyz.  

You make a big deal out of it, it will be a big deal.  Do it in person and it could just be awkward.  (My friend who is having problems TTC has been taken out a few times by friends for coffee to be told be the "big news" - she hates being put on the spot like that, she said she feels like she is being examined like a deer in headlights, making sure she is okay with it all)  

Not quite sure why you have to be the one to tell her - what about her brother???


#18 Snorlax

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:04 PM

Congratulations!

I'm in a similar situation actually (& I posted on here to ask advice as well). My sister is long term TTC & we weren't planning on TTC but fell pregnant & will have to tell her once I'm a little further along.

We've decided to tell my sister 1st over the phone (she lives OS), & I don't want to put her on the spot or make her feel pressured into being happy for us at 1st. I know she will be happy later on, but I understand (having been TTC in the past for a while) that it is tough.

I'm a bit muddle headed today so please excuse me if I cause any offence, but why shouldn't you tell her it was an accident?

In my situation I think it would be more hurtful if sister was to think I was TTC knowing that she was having trouble, for me I feel overwhelming guilt about falling pregnant given her situation. I'd hate her to think I was so insensitive as to plan this at such a time. shrug.gif

#19 geckosrule

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:24 PM

I've been the best friend TTC for years when my friend accidentally fell pregnant.

She rang me and wanted to come over, she told me in person, she told me it was accidental, she told me she was excited, she told me she wanted to hear it directly from her, she told me how sorry she was that the same thing couldn't happen to me and she told me that she understood if I was sad and jealous.

I was excited for her...genuinely and I told her I couldn't wait to meet her new baby.  At the same time I also told her that i was upset by it too.  I was jealous and keep thinking it wasn't fair.

When she left, I went into my bedroom and cried so much.  Why couldn't I get pregnant?  It's not fair!

I appreciated that she told me how she did and wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Her baby...a little boy who calls me Aunty Geckosrule.....I love him to bits.

#20 Bluenomi

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:31 PM

QUOTE (countrymel @ 20/03/2012, 09:11 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
As someone who has been TTC for over 6 years - I have to say that DON'T carry on about how awesome it is that she will be an Auntie.... it is nearly as patronising as people referring to your pets as 'your new babies'.

It makes you feel like everyone has given up on you ever being a Mother and are already putting you in the 'childless aunt/crazy catwoman' box.


She is your friend she will be pleased for you, but she will also be sad for herself - all I can suggest is that you focus on the ICSI being successful and how much fun it will be that you can have cousins who can play together. (fingers crossed)


Wow, you are a spoilt sport. One of the most excited people when I got pregnant was a friend who has been trying for a very long time to get pregnant and now possibly never will since she's gotten divorced. She was so excited to be an 'auntie', she decided to call herself that and adores the roll of honorary aunt. Just because you don't want people to tell you that, don't assume everyone else has the same issues.

BTW, she's also happy calling herself a crazy catwoman and we both call each other's cats our babies

#21 niggles

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:37 PM

^^Did you really just post that?

#22 Satay Chicken

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:38 PM

QUOTE (Bluenomi @ 20/03/2012, 01:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Wow, you are a spoilt sport. One of the most excited people when I got pregnant was a friend who has been trying for a very long time to get pregnant and now possibly never will since she's gotten divorced. She was so excited to be an 'auntie', she decided to call herself that and adores the roll of honorary aunt. Just because you don't want people to tell you that, don't assume everyone else has the same issues.

BTW, she's also happy calling herself a crazy catwoman and we both call each other's cats our babies


Bluenomi - I can pretty much guarentee your friend would have put on a brave face and "acted" excited..

Edit to answer OP's question.. Personally I think you should send her a card, or an email - that gives her a chance to digest your news and come back to you when she is ready..

Edited by Satay chicken, 20 March 2012 - 12:41 PM.


#23 PigNewton

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:45 PM

QUOTE
Wow, you are a spoilt sport. One of the most excited people when I got pregnant was a friend who has been trying for a very long time to get pregnant and now possibly never will since she's gotten divorced. She was so excited to be an 'auntie', she decided to call herself that and adores the roll of honorary aunt. Just because you don't want people to tell you that, don't assume everyone else has the same issues.


Big difference between CHOOSING to be an honourary auntie and being TOLD you will be an honourary auntie. Just because you know someone with fertility problems who was ok with the idea, don't assume everyone else will be, because they really aren't. Also spoilsport, one word.

OP, it's a tricky situation. I agree with the PP who asked why your friend's brother couldn't be the one to tell your friend...it's his child too.

Congratulations and here's hoping you have a smooth pregnancy and birth!

#24 podg

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:48 PM

Could you text and say 'X and I have some news we want to share, but worried it might upset you... would love to tell you in person/on phone when you are ready. Let me know a good time to call. xo'

Let her take the lead. She's your best friend - would she guess? She then has the option to call right back all excited, not call until she's had a cry, text you back and ask if you are pregnant, organise a meeting. I think that would have worked well for me when long term TTC.

#25 Snorlax

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:52 PM

QUOTE
'X and I have some news we want to share, but worried it might upset you... would love to tell you in person/on phone when you are ready. Let me know a good time to call


I really like this suggestion actually. And I think I'll use it in my situation too (thanks PP!).




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

WIN a $500 Visa debit card

Are you a parent? Simply take our survey for your chance to win a $500 pre-paid VISA debit card.

Breastfeeding doesn't make you a better mum - feeding your baby does

Given my immense dislike of Hopkins and her opinions, I was genuinely shocked to discover that last week she actually said something that I agreed with.

'Toni, another baby has died': the anguish of watching governments fail our babies

It has been six years since whooping cough claimed the life of four-week-old Dana McCaffery. Her parents are angry that lessons learnt weren't enough to save other babies.

Longer breastfeeding linked to higher IQ

A study of 3500 infants has found that babies who are breastfed grow up to be more intelligent and wealthy.

The 2015 flu vaccine: what's new, who should get it

For certain members of the community, catching flu can lead to severe illness or death. A vaccination can be lifesaving.

Dealing with a nappy escape artist

I hear about the tots that have a penchant for ripping their nappies off and the odd one that even smears the brown stuff on the walls and fine home furnishings, and I shudder.

Hospital apologises for 'traumatising' baby mix-up

St Vincent's Hospital has apologised "unreservedly" for a baby mix-up that left one new mum traumatised.

Tips for flying with a baby

Travelling with kids requires a whole other set of skills - ones that I have learned through (sometimes unfortunate) trial and error.

How to stay calm in an emergency

I’m not expecting you to be as calm as you might be right now. What I mean is that if your panic levels are through the roof during a stressful situation, let’s bring them down to just under the ceiling.

Toddler gets 'drunk' after cranberry juice mix-up

A toddler was taken to hospital after a waitress served her sangria instead of cranberry juice at a US restaurant.

We need to stop using this word when we talk about childbirth

Is it shaming to point out that women are often being let down in birth?

The certificate helping parents deal with pregnancy loss

For some people, this certificate will offer a sense of validation that their child was acknowledged as being here and now gone, and will help them with life post-loss.

Grieving families give warnings after toddler deaths

Two Queensland families are grieving the loss of their toddler sons after the boys drowned in separate incidents last week.

The phenomenon of phantom pregnancy kicks

'Phantom pregnancy kicks’ are encountered by many mums months - or even years - after their pregnancy is over.

The health insurance advice you can't afford to ignore

There's one simple switch that could save you hundreds of dollars a year in private health insurance.

4D scans show how smoking affects babies still in the womb

The harmful effects of smoking during pregnancy on unborn babies may be seen in tiny movements in their faces using 4D ultrasound scans, research has found.

How to babyproof your job interview

Once upon a time, I was a fan of job interviews. That all changed after I'd switched careers, had a baby and decided to spend the first year at home with her.

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

The most dangerous toddler food trends

Pete Evans' paleo cookbook for kids caused a storm, but there are plenty of other unsafe food trends for babies and toddlers.

Infection killed new mum of twins

Modern medicine could not save 19-year-old Sophie Burgess who died 48 hours after giving birth to twins in the UK.

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, we are giving away five DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

Man faces jail after giving woman abortion pill smoothie

A Norwegian man is facing jail after putting abortion pills in his ex-girlfriend's smoothie, causing her to have a miscarriage.

'He's a blessing': family of baby born without eyes

Jordy Jackson was born without eyes. He has anophthalmia, which affects one in every 100,000 babies born.

Win one of 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers

With Easter fast approaching, Cadbury are giving away 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers. Enter Now!

Super fit model Sarah Stage defends her pregnancy body

Model Sarah Stage has defended her pregnancy body after critics claimed her slim figure at eight-and-a-half months pregnant wasn't "normal".

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom and Peppa Pig prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, Essential Baby and Entertainment One are giving away five bumper DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Why I post breastfeeding photos online

I love to take pictures of my children. In some of the pictures, my younger son is nursing.

The day I broke my baby

There are things I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know that companies make tiny braces, small enough to hold necks no bigger than a wrist.

The place just for dads of multiples

When a couple discovers they're expecting multiples, the dad can sometimes be almost forgotten in all the excitement and preparation. But one group offers a space just for dads of twins and higher-order multiples.

Brave mum calls for domestic violence law reform

A brave mum of two has shared details of the harrowing attacks she suffered at the hands of her partner in a bid to help other victims of domestic violence.

Why I had the new test for Down syndrome

Early last year I turned 35, and having just found out I was pregnant, I opted to have the new test for Down syndrome.

Geeky baby gear

If your family is more into Star Wars, gaming and the periodic table than most, you might want to check out these geek-chic baby items.

2015: the year of the sheep

According to the Chinese zodiac, babies born in the year of the sheep are creative and enjoy spending quiet time with their own thoughts.

Breakthrough genetic testing now available in Australia

Pregnant women will for the first time have access to locally analysed, accurate, non-invasive pre-natal genetic testing when the first Australian clinic to offer the services opens its doors next week.

Grandbabies: the babies born looking old

Not a day under 65 and a lifetime of struggle! That's the look of these newborns, who look adorably older than their real age. Social networking site Reddit recently featured user submissions of adorable grandbabies, here are our favourites.

Family kicked off flight after toddler seatbelt drama

An entire family was kicked off a Cathay Pacific flight when a misbehaving toddler refused to put his seatbelt on.

Stolen baby found after 17 years

A baby stolen from her mother's arms shortly after birth has been found through an astonishing coincidence.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Sign up now!

30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Receive a daily email from Essential Baby during April with great play tips and ideas, then submit your baby at play photos to our Playwall, Instagram or Twitter for your chance to win.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.