Jump to content

Announcing accidental pregnancy to best friend
She has been TTC for 7 years


  • Please log in to reply
61 replies to this topic

#1 more than just Mum

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:15 AM

Oops.

Yep, I fell pregnant. And I desperately want to tell my best mate, but don't know how. She has been TTC #1 for 7 years (male factor) and I know it will be hard on her.

She starts ICSI in a few weeks.

How do I tell her?

#2 Fright bat

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:19 AM

Do you have to tell her it was an accident?

#3 Guest_Dinah_Harris_*

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:21 AM

Congratulations!
One-on-one gently, over coffee and cake.  
Don't go into the whole accidental thing.  Just keep it simple.
Good on you for caring about the feelings of your friend.  And please don't be upset with her if she doesn't jump up and down and scream with excitement for you.  She might - but equally, her happiness for you may be tempered with sadness.  
Hope this helps.

#4 wannabamumma

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:22 AM

QUOTE (MsN @ 20/03/2012, 08:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Do you have to tell her it was an accident?


I would be thinking this as well. Is there any reason that this couldnt be a planned pregnancy?

#5 more than just Mum

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:23 AM

She will know it is an accident - my boyfriend is her brother and we don't even live together!

#6 pinkcupcakes

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:27 AM

my friend and i started ttc #2 at the same time. she ended up having a baby girl a couple of months ago...7months after hers was born, my bubba will be born. she felt bad telling me when she had conceived but even though it was a bit bittersweet for me, i didnt resent her for it. after she found out she was preg, i learned of about 8 other friends and aquaintances who fell preg...it starts to get frustrating then but its still not anyone's fault..( excpert maybe my poor hubby- he's a painter. big nono if you want a baby.)life is just unpredictable, its not your fault!(or your friends because she hasnt conceived yet). i think she's be more hurt if you didnt tell her. it may be hard for her to hear ( esp after 7 years) but sounds like she is a true friend and will be supportive.all the best. happy.gif
ETA; ohh, so she'll be an aunty! ( real as well as honorary)that may be a good thing to focus on...

Edited by pinkcupcakes, 20 March 2012 - 07:30 AM.


#7 Lagom

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:29 AM

You might need to change your initial post to say, 'pregnant with her niece and I don't live with her brother.'  That's a whole lot of different IMO.



#8 BentoBaby

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:39 AM

QUOTE (more than just Mum @ 20/03/2012, 08:23 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She will know it is an accident - my boyfriend is her brother and we don't even live together!



Umm, I'd probably still not point out the accident part (she can just assume). I presume she dealt with this with your first (who I assume was also unplanned?) As a side note, I think you need to change your method of contraception if this is the 2nd "surprise"!

#9 Soontobegran

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:40 AM

You can not presume how she will react but that is not a reason for non disclosure however there is no reason to tell her now, you could wait like many people until the end of the first trimester to share the news.
How will she feel? She'll most likely be incredibly envious that you have got pregnant to her brother when you don't even live with him whilst she is about to commence ICSI for a planned and wanted pregnancy.
These feeling do not detract from your pregnancy excitement but you'll need to be prepared for a response that may not be favourable and understand why.

We didn't tell my brother and SIL until 20 weeks with #5 as they were going through years of infertility and we had just had our 4th surprise pregnancy. They were VERY upset that we kept it from them.

#10 mks81

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:56 AM

Congratulations on your pregnancy. We were accidental as well but very excited, I would be slightly p*ssed if someone made comment about my contraception needing changing as this our second 'accident' as well, (9 years apart).


I suppose there is no easy way to tell her but to expect that while she might be pleased for you, this will obviously hurt her.

Don't even bring the word accident up in this case. Just be gentle and say you want her to know you understand if she isn't completely happy for you at this time. This sort of thing, especially at the moment sets me off in tears so I hope you can be a little stronger. I would make an emphasis on the Aunt bit as well. But don't take it too hard if she wants to back off for a little while to deal with the news on her own.

You can be over the moon for yourself and still be sad for her, gentle, gentle is the way to go.You already sound like a good friend for being more worried about her at the moment. Goodluck.

#11 more than just Mum

Posted 20 March 2012 - 07:59 AM

Thanks guys. I will invite her out for a quiet talk and be prepared she may not be excited. She will be the first to know and it will give her a few weeks before we announce it to the rest of the family.

I know she will be happy for me. Her brother and I have been together for over 4 years - she has hoped I would fall pregnant one day.

DD is from a previous relationship, however these days DBF is her dad. He is happy about it though!

#12 leebec

Posted 20 March 2012 - 08:09 AM

Speaking from the fact that I am dealing with this at the moment I dont think I would do it face to face.

I have had that many pregnancy announcements since all our issues came to light and they are getting worse and worse and extremely hard to deal with. What makes it even harder is that the people who are announcing know exactly what we are going through and dont care and just blurt it out.

Its good that you are sensitive to her feelings and want to tell her before anyone else. If it was me who was on the receiving end of that I would want it in a text message. That way I would not have to be in the same room as you can could throw my phone, get upset, cry and do all those things in my own space and my own time and then when the time came to see you I could deal with it. I still would probably not show excitement but would deal with it.

I know thats being a bit brutal but thats how I feel and thats how I would want someone to tell me. Your friend might be totally differnet and you probably know her best.



#13 HRH Countrymel

Posted 20 March 2012 - 08:11 AM

QUOTE (pinkcupcakes @ 20/03/2012, 08:27 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
ETA; ohh, so she'll be an aunty! ( real as well as honorary)that may be a good thing to focus on...


As someone who has been TTC for over 6 years - I have to say that DON'T carry on about how awesome it is that she will be an Auntie.... it is nearly as patronising as people referring to your pets as 'your new babies'.

It makes you feel like everyone has given up on you ever being a Mother and are already putting you in the 'childless aunt/crazy catwoman' box.


She is your friend she will be pleased for you, but she will also be sad for herself - all I can suggest is that you focus on the ICSI being successful and how much fun it will be that you can have cousins who can play together. (fingers crossed)

#14 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 20 March 2012 - 08:26 AM

What Countrymel said re Auntie.  

Good on you for being so sensitive.  You may find there is an extra bit of sadness/jealousy because you are giving her parents a grandchild before her.  This will be worse if it is the first and/ or her bro is younger.

#15 threeinnyc

Posted 20 March 2012 - 09:09 AM

QUOTE (MsN @ 20/03/2012, 08:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Do you have to tell her it was an accident?


For the 1st time I'm with MsN!

But then again I don't believe in such thing; accidental pregnancy. Sorry.

Just keep the accidental info to yourself, OP esp knowing that your BF has been trying for quite sometimes.

All the best!






#16 jojonbeanie

Posted 20 March 2012 - 09:53 AM

Sooner rather than later I think is the key here. If it's hard for her to hear it's going to be even harder to hear when she realises you have known about the pregnancy for a while. Worst thing could be her hearing it from someone else.

ETA Congratulations!

Edited by jojonbeanie, 20 March 2012 - 09:54 AM.


#17 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 20 March 2012 - 11:06 AM

I'd probably just ring her up and say I have some news and let her know over the phone.  Keep it short and sweet, don't gush too much over anything, answer whatever questions she has and then end the call quietly, saying you wanted her to know as soon as possible and not through the grapevine, you understand the news might rock her around a bit but you'll call her soon to arrange xyz.  

You make a big deal out of it, it will be a big deal.  Do it in person and it could just be awkward.  (My friend who is having problems TTC has been taken out a few times by friends for coffee to be told be the "big news" - she hates being put on the spot like that, she said she feels like she is being examined like a deer in headlights, making sure she is okay with it all)  

Not quite sure why you have to be the one to tell her - what about her brother???


#18 Snorlax

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:04 PM

Congratulations!

I'm in a similar situation actually (& I posted on here to ask advice as well). My sister is long term TTC & we weren't planning on TTC but fell pregnant & will have to tell her once I'm a little further along.

We've decided to tell my sister 1st over the phone (she lives OS), & I don't want to put her on the spot or make her feel pressured into being happy for us at 1st. I know she will be happy later on, but I understand (having been TTC in the past for a while) that it is tough.

I'm a bit muddle headed today so please excuse me if I cause any offence, but why shouldn't you tell her it was an accident?

In my situation I think it would be more hurtful if sister was to think I was TTC knowing that she was having trouble, for me I feel overwhelming guilt about falling pregnant given her situation. I'd hate her to think I was so insensitive as to plan this at such a time. shrug.gif

#19 geckosrule

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:24 PM

I've been the best friend TTC for years when my friend accidentally fell pregnant.

She rang me and wanted to come over, she told me in person, she told me it was accidental, she told me she was excited, she told me she wanted to hear it directly from her, she told me how sorry she was that the same thing couldn't happen to me and she told me that she understood if I was sad and jealous.

I was excited for her...genuinely and I told her I couldn't wait to meet her new baby.  At the same time I also told her that i was upset by it too.  I was jealous and keep thinking it wasn't fair.

When she left, I went into my bedroom and cried so much.  Why couldn't I get pregnant?  It's not fair!

I appreciated that she told me how she did and wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Her baby...a little boy who calls me Aunty Geckosrule.....I love him to bits.

#20 Bluenomi

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:31 PM

QUOTE (countrymel @ 20/03/2012, 09:11 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
As someone who has been TTC for over 6 years - I have to say that DON'T carry on about how awesome it is that she will be an Auntie.... it is nearly as patronising as people referring to your pets as 'your new babies'.

It makes you feel like everyone has given up on you ever being a Mother and are already putting you in the 'childless aunt/crazy catwoman' box.


She is your friend she will be pleased for you, but she will also be sad for herself - all I can suggest is that you focus on the ICSI being successful and how much fun it will be that you can have cousins who can play together. (fingers crossed)


Wow, you are a spoilt sport. One of the most excited people when I got pregnant was a friend who has been trying for a very long time to get pregnant and now possibly never will since she's gotten divorced. She was so excited to be an 'auntie', she decided to call herself that and adores the roll of honorary aunt. Just because you don't want people to tell you that, don't assume everyone else has the same issues.

BTW, she's also happy calling herself a crazy catwoman and we both call each other's cats our babies

#21 niggles

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:37 PM

^^Did you really just post that?

#22 Satay Chicken

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:38 PM

QUOTE (Bluenomi @ 20/03/2012, 01:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Wow, you are a spoilt sport. One of the most excited people when I got pregnant was a friend who has been trying for a very long time to get pregnant and now possibly never will since she's gotten divorced. She was so excited to be an 'auntie', she decided to call herself that and adores the roll of honorary aunt. Just because you don't want people to tell you that, don't assume everyone else has the same issues.

BTW, she's also happy calling herself a crazy catwoman and we both call each other's cats our babies


Bluenomi - I can pretty much guarentee your friend would have put on a brave face and "acted" excited..

Edit to answer OP's question.. Personally I think you should send her a card, or an email - that gives her a chance to digest your news and come back to you when she is ready..

Edited by Satay chicken, 20 March 2012 - 12:41 PM.


#23 CourtesanNewton

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:45 PM

QUOTE
Wow, you are a spoilt sport. One of the most excited people when I got pregnant was a friend who has been trying for a very long time to get pregnant and now possibly never will since she's gotten divorced. She was so excited to be an 'auntie', she decided to call herself that and adores the roll of honorary aunt. Just because you don't want people to tell you that, don't assume everyone else has the same issues.


Big difference between CHOOSING to be an honourary auntie and being TOLD you will be an honourary auntie. Just because you know someone with fertility problems who was ok with the idea, don't assume everyone else will be, because they really aren't. Also spoilsport, one word.

OP, it's a tricky situation. I agree with the PP who asked why your friend's brother couldn't be the one to tell your friend...it's his child too.

Congratulations and here's hoping you have a smooth pregnancy and birth!

#24 podg

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:48 PM

Could you text and say 'X and I have some news we want to share, but worried it might upset you... would love to tell you in person/on phone when you are ready. Let me know a good time to call. xo'

Let her take the lead. She's your best friend - would she guess? She then has the option to call right back all excited, not call until she's had a cry, text you back and ask if you are pregnant, organise a meeting. I think that would have worked well for me when long term TTC.

#25 Snorlax

Posted 20 March 2012 - 12:52 PM

QUOTE
'X and I have some news we want to share, but worried it might upset you... would love to tell you in person/on phone when you are ready. Let me know a good time to call


I really like this suggestion actually. And I think I'll use it in my situation too (thanks PP!).




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Funny Father's Day cards

A little fun never goes astray when celebrating special occasions and Father's Day is no different. We've rounded up some funny Father's day cards for your husbands, fathers and other important men in your lives.

Electronic tags may keep newborns safe

The possibility of using electronic bracelets for mothers and their newborn babies is being investigated by Adelaide's Women's and Children's Hospital. 

Baby steps: when your little one starts walking

As a parent there are so many milestones to look forward to. That first smile, first word - and, of course, that first step.

Julia Watson's new book 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

Tomorrow my friend Julia launches her first book. And while we're all overjoyed, the success is tinged with sadness. You see, Julia has stage 4 bowel cancer.

How not to name twins

Call me boring, but I don't think that when it comes to choosing my twins' names is the right time to use a good pun.

Fun Sunny Life pool inflatables just for babies

The babies of 2015 will thus be thrilled to paddle their happy baby legs in these brand new flamingo and swan baby inflatables.

Baby and bulldog born on the same day are best friends

When Chicago mum Ivette Ivens saw a French bulldog puppy who had the same birthdate as her son Dilan, she "just knew it?s meant to be" and took him home. Five months later, puppy Farley and Dilan are the best of friends - as Ivens says, "I?m pretty sure Dilan thinks they?re both the same species, as they walk at the same level and are both going through the stage of chewing on everything.?

Breastfeeding basics for beginners

Here are 10 tips to help make breastfeeding successful and stress free for both you and your baby as quickly as possible.

Girl smothers baby brother with peanut butter

This mum had a big clean up job on her hands.

How to hide those under eye shadows

Pandas are the only ones who benefit from under-eye shadows. If you're not fluffy and cute, you'll just look tired.

Young mum dies after being denied pap smear

A mother has died after she was denied a pap smear because she was deemed "too young" to need it.

Birthday cakes banned at childcare centre

A childcare centre in Sydney has banned birthday cakes after parent complaints about excessive sugar and children with allergies being left out.

Triplet surprise for newlyweds

As the radiographer moved the wand over her abdomen, Shelley King got the surprise of her life.

3 yummy Thermomix baby and toddler recipes

Louise Fulton Keats shares her recipes for babies and toddlers, including corn and sweet pikelets, pumpkin and pea risotto, and cheesy bunny biscuits.

Man arrested over toddler Nikki's death

A 31-year-old man has been arrested over the death of two-year-old Nikki Francis-Coslovich in Mildura.

Adoption ban on pregnant women to be lifted

Pregnant women will no longer be barred from adoption waiting lists in NSW, after the Baird Government decided the practice was discriminatory.

Are you getting enough magnesium?

Magnesium is the fourth most abundant mineral in the body, but we don't talk enough about it and the vital role it plays in great health and energy, as well as disease prevention.

5 workplace lessons for new parents

Take heart in these principles that will transfer seamlessly from the workplace into your new life as a parent.

Mums to follow on Instagram

A creative outlet for many, there are some savvy women complementing their blogs and businesses with riveting Instagrams feeds. We've chosen a few which have bucketloads of appeal; there are some big time players and some smaller local ones, and they each bring their special brand of magic to the Instagram experience.

Review: The Volvo 2015 XC90 SUV has all the safety features your family needs

The new Volvo XC90 SUV's focus on keeping you safe does not come at the expense of comfort in the XC90.

Kim Kardashian reveals she may have hysterectomy

Kim Kardashian has revealed complications during pregnancy means she might have to have a hysterectomy after the birth of her second child.

Why late night snacks wreak havoc on weight loss

 Loath as you may be to admit it, chances are that at some point you have found yourself in the kitchen late at night, devouring food.

Toddler twins pretend to be asleep to fool mum

They say twins have a unique connection. If this cute clip is anything to go by, these toddler sisters like to use their special bond to try to fool their mother.

Dad bags: 10 picks for out and about

Getting out of the house is a big priority in the early years of parenthood and you need to take a well-stocked kit with you. We've chosen 10 of the best nappy bags sure to appeal to dads in style and function.

Win a Mountain Buggy Swift

To celebrate Essential Baby reaching half a million Facebook fans, we have a Mountain Buggy Swift to giveaway to a lucky fan.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Dads who do their share have more sex: study

For women trying to encourage their partners to take more interest in fatherhood, it could be the ultimate incentive.

Think you might have IBS, coeliac disease or Crohn's?

Conditions affecting the gastrointestinal tract are common in modern humans, and many are on the rise - including irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) and coeliac disease.

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer.

The exercises you know you should be doing (but probably aren't)

I bet your to-do list today is long. But somewhere on that massive list, are you making time for your pelvic floor?

This baby really loves the family cat

Some babies get excited when mum or dad come to get them from their cot after a nap.

Designer kids clothing good enough to eat by Oeuf

Even if you aren't heading to the Northern hemisphere in the next six months, you can't help but love the amazing food-themed knits for babies and kids by cult kids brand Oeuf.

Early exposure to peanuts recommended for allergy prevention

A paediatricians' group is recommending that infants at high risk of peanut allergies be given foods containing peanuts before they turn one.

Home brand foods contain less salt than pricier rivals

Supermarket home brand foods, long derided as cheap and inferior, contain far lower levels of salt than pricier, branded rivals, new research shows.

Nannies for hire, wherever you're flying

Ever dreaded the prospect of a long flight, dreaming about how wonderful it would be for a nanny to entertain the kids?

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer: with an unusual photo shoot with their 'baby', a groodle (poodle/golden retriever cross) named Humphrey. The talented Elisha from Elisha Minnette Photography caught all the precious shots.

Is it okay to name your baby with a sense of humour?

My husband was sure that Danger was a good option for a boy. And as the pregnancy progressed, it actually started to sound really good.

Woman gives birth after having her own mother's uterus transplanted

In a world first, a healthy baby has been born from the same womb that nurtured his own mother.

So hot right now: double-barrelled baby names on the rise

It's one way to make your baby stand out from the pack – giving them not one, but two first names.

Second time around: is it really better the devil you know?

When I fell pregnant with my second child I was, naturally, very excited. Then it all started to come back to me - and I freaked.

Shopping with kids: breaking the pester-power cycle

You're out shopping with your little one and they're incessantly whining that they want a treat. It's easy to say no ... the first time, at least.

How did we have babies before apps came along?

Three months ago, my wife, Chrysta, and I were driving along Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles when she let out a harrowing cry.

When your toddler disagrees

There comes a time when your child starts having different views to you. I didn't realise that time would come so soon.

Win a Pacapod this Father's Day

To celebrate dads and families, we are giving away a Picos Pack from Pacapod Australia filled with a few extra goodies ENTER NOW

 

FREE TICKET

Discover the magic of the LEGOŽ DUPLOŽ Play Area in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.