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IL's taking DD for a week
at what age?


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#1 The Falcon

Posted 23 February 2012 - 07:57 AM

My in laws have just asked me if they could take DD to stay with them at their house, 5 hours away, for a week.  DD has just turned 2, which to me is much to young to be that far away from me for so long.  They seem pretty miffed that I won't allow it.

At what age do you think it would be appropriate for her to so far away for such a long time?

#2 Chasing daisies

Posted 23 February 2012 - 08:02 AM

I think its your choice and if you are not happy with the idea then dont allow it.
My inlaws always wanted to take my boys for school holidays etc...they live 14hrs away and couldnt understand why i said no.
My eldest is almost 15 and he has never been away from em for more than 2 nights.

#3 Bel Rowley

Posted 23 February 2012 - 08:04 AM

2 would be a bit young for me, I was fine with DD having sleepovers with MIL and FIL at that age (she actually had her first soon after she turned 1) but no longer. DD is now 3 1/2 and my parents have suggested she could go and stay with them for a few days at some point (they live 90 minutes away on the coast) and we would be happy for her to do it now.

#4 kboomba

Posted 23 February 2012 - 08:08 AM

If you are not comfortable with a whole week, think about what you would be comfortable with. Then negotiate.

Although I miss my DD's when they are away, I am happy for my mum to have them for a few nights at a time (3.5 and 1.5). My IL's on the other hand will probably never have my girls overnight without me there.

In regards to when a week would be ok, again it depends on the ability of the carers. My 3 year old would be fine away for a week with my mum.

#5 IVL

Posted 23 February 2012 - 08:23 AM

My DD was 2 when she had her first week away at my parents. Her older sister (4) also went with her. They had been having regular sleep overs at my in-laws for about 6 months by then. My parents live about a 4 hour drive away and it was their idea. My parents also said they would bring them home as soon as they didn't seem happy or were missing us too much. I trust both my parents and my inlaws as much as I trust myself or my DH though. If I didn't, I would not be able to let them go.

They lasted the whole week and I think would have stayed longer, but we were missing them too much by that stage. It is great, they now go up there for regular holidays and enjoy their time on the beach with Nanna and Pop. I think my parents enjoy it just as much (if not more).

#6 Indi

Posted 23 February 2012 - 09:15 AM

QUOTE (Chasing daisies @ 23/02/2012, 09:02 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think its your choice and if you are not happy with the idea then dont allow it.
My inlaws always wanted to take my boys for school holidays etc...they live 14hrs away and couldnt understand why i said no.
My eldest is almost 15 and he has never been away from em for more than 2 nights.

My bold.  That's hardly something to be proud of, what about teaching him independence?  I can't understand why you would say no either.  Your kids aren't babies and due to the distance wouldn't have much other opportunity to see their grandparents.

OP I don't think it's unreasonable that your ILs want their grandson to visit.  If you have a good relationship with your ILs and are comfortable they would follow your wishes regarding safety (car seats etc) and what they can/can't feed your child I would be happy with it.  If it is the duration your not happy with, compromise.

#7 julzely

Posted 23 February 2012 - 09:35 AM

Can you make it a family holiday and all go stay?

Maybe invite them to stay at your house instead?

#8 Baggy

Posted 23 February 2012 - 09:37 AM

I'd let my 3yo DD go away for a week with family. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my 11month going. Both have stayed over night at my MILs though.

That's just how I feel, If another parent told me their 11month old went away for a week with the grandparents, I wouldn't think any thing of it. I don't think there is an 'appropriate age', I think it just comes down to whether you feel comfortable or not.

Edited by Baggy, 23 February 2012 - 09:39 AM.


#9 CCLady

Posted 23 February 2012 - 09:38 AM

My eldest was 4.5 when she went with my Mum for 10 days while we were moving. I think 2 is far too young!

#10 missj

Posted 23 February 2012 - 09:41 AM

It depends on the child and their relationship with their grandparents.  My kids are close to both sets of grandparents and love them to bits.  They love having sleepovers.  That said, my inlaws only live 10 minutes away, and my parents are 90 minutes away - not too far.  I wouldn't have allowed them to stay for 5 nights at age 2, simply because I am selfish and would miss them too much laughing2.gif  and I would also be worried that they would miss me.  Five hours is a long drive if you your child really frets for you and you need to go and collect them.


#11 drphillskaren

Posted 23 February 2012 - 09:42 AM

wow - my kids are 6 and 4 and have only just this last weekend had a 1 night sleepover at my parents place. My parents just arent that interested in seeing my kids for extended periods of time.

I think 2 is a bit young - maybe overnight is ok, but not for a whole week.



#12 Feral timtam

Posted 23 February 2012 - 09:46 AM

I'd be hesitant for my son to go for a week with the inlaws without my husband or I present, and he sees them every day! In fact he probably spends more of his waking hours with MIL than he does with me.

2, even 3 years old is definitely borderline too young for a week away from Mum and Dad. I could handle them taking one of my children for a weekend but two nights would be the absolute tops at this age.

#13 Guest_tigerdog_*

Posted 23 February 2012 - 09:47 AM

I'd absolutely jump at the chance to have the break but I don't think I could do it to them as my DS (who's 3.5) still wakes in the night and would make it hell for them - he wouldn't last out the week.

#14 Harmonica

Posted 23 February 2012 - 10:16 AM

I would say 5 - but only if there had been regular contact with them before this and one night sleepovers etc. so that everyone feels comfortable with the situation.


#15 daruma

Posted 23 February 2012 - 10:40 AM

I started when my son was 2 with 2 nights at my parents. Now he is 5 and the most he has stayed away is 5 nights.  I guess it would depend on how comfortable you are with them and whether you think your child will be OK away for any period of time.

Personally I think it is too young to be away for so long.

#16 Monroe

Posted 23 February 2012 - 10:49 AM

My MIL recently asked the same question, if she could take DD1 for a week, I've declined. Mainly be because she's never spent a night with her and they're going to the beach, we've never taken her to the beach before & I'm a little bit worried of someone taking their eyes off her for 5 minutes.


#17 la di dah

Posted 23 February 2012 - 10:57 AM

No kids here so I don't know what I will eventually say or what my own kids will be like but I am pretty comfortable theoretically with my own childhood experiences which were:

One night sleepovers at grandparents at 2. One night sleepovers at friends at 4.

5 night camping trip with people I didn't know (Brownies, but not my own troop, counselors and kids I'd never met) when I was 5.

I think one night or maybe a weekend is all I would do with a kid under four but it would vary so much with what the kid was like as far as needs and clinginess, and for that matter what the grandparents were like. My parents are lovely but not particularly healthy (that's not an age thing, they're not old, they're just sick) and my dad might fall asleep too much and my mom just had heart surgery. My DH's parents, well, his mom I would trust but she is super high-strung and I think she'd spin so much and clean so much she'd exhaust herself and I'd be worried about a toddler wrecking her house.

His dad is a lovely man but not ultra hands-on and I don't really want his step-mum watching my hypothetical kid and DH himself would blow his stack.

#18 Peevish

Posted 23 February 2012 - 11:20 AM

This question comes up a lot around here! Ultimately, only you can be the judge of what sleeping away arrangement is going to work for your children. Just because someone else's 8 month old could spend 10 days at the ILs who live interstate isn't really a guide as to what your children can deal with.

I don't have hands-on parents or ILs so the issue has never arisen, however, I can say that my 4 year old still to be happy with an overnight stay at anyone else's house. On the other hand my 9 month old is an entirely different kettle of fish and possibly he could cope with a stay at a trusted carer's house.

#19 Luci

Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:09 PM

A whole week is a long time for a 2 year old. As PP have mentioned, it does depend on the relationship between the child and grandparents. If they lived close by, the child saw a lot of them and went to their house often, and had already had short sleepovers (ie a night or two) then maybe I would do it.

My kids are 4 and 6 and I would not let them go to grandparents for a week. Both sets of gps don't live that close, the kids don't see them that much and have never stayed at their houses without DH and I. DS doesn't sleep through the night either which wouldn't help.

If your child is only 2 and has not stayed at their house before, then IMO a week is too long. One night to start with and see how that goes.

Luci



#20 premmie_29weeks

Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:14 PM

DS is 18 months and has been doing the occasional sleep over with both sets of grandparents since he was born. He was Bottle fed so we were able to leave him with my parents or IL's occasionally to get a good nights rest. Since he slept thru the night at about 7 months he's probably slept out 1-2 times a month. But both my parents and IL's live within 10 minutes drive - so we could literally be there to collect him if anything went wrong.

He's pretty full on in terms of into everything. So I wouldn't leave him for longer than a few nights, unless they were sharing the care somehow (a few days each). He's in daycare 2 days a week now so I guess I would feel comfortable leaving him with GP's for a week. He loves and feels comfortable with both sets of Gp's so I wouldn't see it as an issue. As long as we were close enough to come get him if anything went wrong.

#21 cinnabubble

Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:18 PM

I wouldn't let my five year old go for a week. My almost two year old? Absolutely no way on earth.

#22 bakesgirls

Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:29 PM

I'm going to be the odd one out here....

We allowed our children to have ovenight sleepovers with my parents and IL's from when they were a few weeks old.

We left our oldest with my IL's for a week when she was one, as by this time they had moved 6 hours away. Infact, this Xmas just gone we left DD1-10 and DD2-3 with them for a week( we kept DD3 with us though as we thought a toddler and a newborn was too much to expect someone else to look after). They all thoughoughly enjoyed it. Our kids loved it and my IL's did too. We spoke on the phone to our kids every night though, and at the end of it my IL's bought the kids home for us.

I have a wonderful relationship with my DH's mother and step-father. I have always felt comfortable leaving my children with them, and will continue to do so.

My DH's step-mother and father are a different story though. We will leave our children with them for 1 night max. She likes to tell us what crappy parents we are because we have weekends away without our children.

Either way, only you can know what is right for your family. If you don't feel comfortable with it then don't do it. If you do, then don't let anyone else tell you that you are doing the wrong thing.


ETA- My parents took DD1 to Europe for 5 weeks when she was 9.  biggrin.gif

Edited by bakesgirls, 23 February 2012 - 02:08 PM.


#23 Natttmumm

Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:35 PM

Too young for me. Maybe at 5 or 6 I would allow a few nights if they wanted to go. I'm conservative about that sort of thing and don't think it's bad if parents are fine about it. I'm over protective but that is just me

#24 marnie27

Posted 23 February 2012 - 01:05 PM

QUOTE (bakesgirls @ 23/02/2012, 10:29 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm going to be the odd one out here....

We allowed our children to have ovenight sleepovers with my parents and IL's from when they were a few weeks old.

We left our oldest with my IL's for a week when she was one, as by this time they had moved 6 hours away. Infact, this Xmas just gone we left DD1-10 and DD2-3 with them for a week( we kept DD3 with us though as we thought a toddler and a newborn was too much to expect someone else to look after). They all thoughoughly enjoyed it. Our kids loved it and my IL's did too. We spoke on the phone to our kids every night though, and at the end of it my IL's bought the kids home for us.

I have a wonderful relationship with my DH's mother and step-father. I have always felt comfortable leaving my children with them, and will continue to do so.

My DH's step-mother and father are a different story though. We will leave our children with them for 1 night max. She likes to tell us what crappy parents we are because we have weekends away without our children.

Either way, only you can know what is right for your family. If you don't feel comfortable with it then don't do it. If you do, then don't let anyone else tell you that you are doing the wrong thing.

Nope - we feel similarly.  My inlaws have had DS overnight from 6 months and took him interstate for 4 days at 15 months old which we were completely comfortable with.  I adore my inlaws and they are wonderful grandparents to our children.  My dad hasn't looked after them until having DS for an afternoon recently, but that is because he is further away.  The children's paternal nanna babysits them at our place because it's easier - she is always asking us to go out so she has an excuse to spend time with them.  We subscribe to the "it takes a village" theory - and we are lucky to have such amazing people contribute to our children's lives.

OP, if you think she is too young, then don't send her.  It's irrelevant what other people do - your child and therefore you get to make the decision.

#25 Holidayromp

Posted 23 February 2012 - 02:07 PM

Not until they are at least school age and even then I think a week is a bit much.




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