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Getting so completely over this...
Long term TTC

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#1 Satay Chicken

Posted 16 February 2012 - 09:45 AM

This is a bit of a vent but I really feel like giving up today.. I feel emotionally and physically beat and I haven't even done an IVF cycle yet.  I'm O'ing today and I cannot even be bothered to BD, whats the point anyway..  My brother and SIL are having their first next month, one hit wonder and I don't know how i am going to deal with being around them.  I just don't know anymore...   sad.gif

How do you girls keep going cause I am totally running out of steam...

#2 spottydog

Posted 16 February 2012 - 10:01 AM

Have a break, go on a weekend away or on a holiday, put the ivf off for another cycle, honestly it will do you good, we done it many times, breaks always made me go back into a fresh cycle with a open mind.

As for the new baby, im sure your family will understand, if they dont, speak to someone who does understand, and tell them to pass the message on.

Take it at your own pace, if you dont want to see the baby on a specific day because its the wrong time for you, dont.

good luck.


#3 minidiamond

Posted 16 February 2012 - 01:20 PM

Sorry I know this is a typical EB response but have you seen a counsellor or psych ? I really did find it helped me, you can always get a mental health plan from your GP to help financially.

From your sig, it looks like you have July as your date set for IVF.  If that's the case, I would try to have that as your 'goal' - in the meantime, maybe try to switch off TTC a bit, relax, as spotty said, try to enjoy other aspects of your life.  It really is all consuming so any 'time out' you can take is well worth it.

Just as an aside, I also had borderline NK cells, after 9 transfers & 2 mc/s, my FS put me on prednisone for the first time this last cycle & I'm now 14 weeks.  I would def reccommend you talk about it to your FS when discussing your first IVF cycle.

Best of luck !

#4 BJBubbles

Posted 16 February 2012 - 08:39 PM

Take a break. Stop TTC for a few months. Remember what it's like to  (being corny) make love to your DP, instead of it being about getting PG.

**PG and Loss mentioned**
I used to feel like we had to give it our all every month - but it wears you out (especially when you have a miscarriage!) and then you have less to give - so a few months off even (just 1!) can really refresh you.  

We've had one big break of 4 - 5 months last year after our baby had anencephaly, and we're taking another 3 - 4 month break now, because my body has just had it and needs a rest.

Be kind to yourself....

#5 Satay Chicken

Posted 17 February 2012 - 07:09 AM

Thank you for your kind words ladies... and I am sorry you too have had such a long road.  It's hard hey!

I agree that we need a break but you know what its like, what if that break month was it?  I'm almost addicted to trying now although I agree a break is on the cards...x

Liltuss - I saw my FS last Tuesday and she will not treat me for the boarderlind cells although she is ok for me to do Clexane if I get a BFP.  I am also on progesterone from 2dpo which apparently is an immune suppressant.
With the uNK results, i'm trying to find out more about Australian results and what warrents treatment (thinking about a second opinion).  My CD56 is 29.4% at CD24 which is only .4% over the maximun count.  My CD57 (apparently the bad ones) is 10/mml and the max level for those is just that 10/mml - so I am right on boarderline, a sinch over.

Does this testing look similar to what you had?  Can anyone else relate to these results????? Gab??

#6 minidiamond

Posted 17 February 2012 - 08:51 AM

As I said, my FS only gave me pred after a number of failed cycles & m/cs.  I guess I would be asking the FS what the treatment would ordinarily be for NK cells, and whether that treatment is going to actually do any harm as a 'trial'. That seemed to be the philosophy of my FS, although we didn't discuss it in detail.  I actually don't know my NK cells numbers.

I would guess that since you haven't done an IVF cycle your FS wants to at least give things a go first before adding additional drugs. Not much comfort I realise.

I don't know much about prog as an anti immune treatment, it's just fairly standard AC luteal phase support so I've had it for every cycle. I've had a number of cycles with clexane as well, although generally I thought that was more to address clotting than NK cells (they may be related, not sure).  I also started clexane straight after transfer, as far as I know it's important to have it during the implantation period, not just after BFP - although I stayed on it until the end of the first trimester.

As to having the month off and it being 'the one' - I'm not sure I fully understand your philosophy ? If you're not having any AC treatment, obviously your body doesn't know if it's April or June ? Sorry that's a really dumb way of training to explain what I mean - but I guess the point is, a break gives you a physiological and psychological break that I believe is really important, albeit most of my breaks were 'forced' upon me due to consecutive stim cycles.  And believe me, at 41, every month you're not TTC is very scary.  But I think worth it.

Are you planning to wait until July for your first IVF cycle ?

#7 threelittlegems

Posted 17 February 2012 - 09:10 AM

I don't belong here, but I do want to share a good news story.

My brother and SIL have been on IVF since 2006. In 2010 they did some extra testings on SIL's eggs, and found that although they looked viable with initial testing, very few were actually viable. I'm sorry, I don't know the official words and terms.

So they did a few cycles with the extra testing, which I think cost $14k per cycle. Still nothing.

They went the route of donor egg and were fortunate to find a lovely generous person willing to participate. They only got two viable eggs out of the first collection which didn't stick.

Fourteen months went by, while the donor did some travelling and living her life. My brother and SIL underwent a few more normal IVF cycles, nothing. The donor came back and agreed to try again.

Again, they only ended up with two viable eggs. My SIL was devastated. She told me that they had given up. This was it, they'd been trying for 8 years, spent an enormous amount of money. If this cycle didn't work, they were resigned to not having children. I could tell from her voice that she didn't think it would work, and had already resigned herself.

Two weeks later she phones me bawling her eyes out. Pregnant.

She is now 25 weeks pregnant. I was absolutely terrified for them over the first 16 weeks. Terrified. Now I'm just a little scared.

Anyway, I hope my contribution to this thread isn't out of line. I just remember my SIL (she is a midwife), used to always get so excited when she met a Mum delivering who had been through what she was going through and had a positive outcome.

#8 zoimeister

Posted 17 February 2012 - 06:15 PM

Hey Ladies

I feel like giving up too. I just cant seem to deal with pregnancy announcements. What is it with them all sending ME texts, i mean whats with that! So Satay i here you girlfriend.

I walk around with slouched shoulders all day every day. Not once have i smiled bcoz im happy with me and my situation. It makes me sad that i cant be happy and there is an answer i just cant get to it, well the universe aint helping me.

Satay i just PMd you, my CD57 are 20/mm2 considered abnormal, but this was done early in my biopsy as says in the report (done with FS)...hello hello. So im anxiously waiting for my NEW biopsy results (done with immunologist) and i dont get them til 1 March!

I did read somewhere that stress plays a role in these NK Cells. My immunologist also believes that as well. Sometimes i get so mad, who wouldnt be stressed going on this journey i mean honestly.

Immunologist did mention that he would increase the pessaries to 1200mg per day (even though my levels were fine), and do intralipid treatment as well.

This journey sux. Anyone else out there with promising success stories for us? All I can say Satay hang in there, i dont feel like it either but we do have a choice, and it is to fight this.

#9 jorgo

Posted 17 February 2012 - 06:23 PM

i have given up for now

well .... given up the ac

you need a break every now and then

i am at the point of just making do with life as it is.. doing everything i've ever wanted to do and making my life about me and saying STFU to the rest of the worlds opinions

dh still seems to think ac will work
i dont think he honestly understands the %%%'s  and odds and stuff

so SC i'm waaaaaaaaaaaay there with you ..... it makes it worse when IL's  basically make it obvious your unimportant and non-valuable.... while your SILs lap you 2  and 3 times each
dh is over it in that way

#10 spitzmum

Posted 19 February 2012 - 11:43 AM

We no longer really communicate with OH's family after the way they treated us after we had our m/c - anyhing we do or accomplish is 2nd class in comparison to the ability of OH's siblings to procreate.

My BIL has never apologised for complaining to us that it took them such a long time to conceive (2 cycles), not long after we announced that we had a m/c  mad.gif

We are polite to them and see them at family functions, but we no longer initiate any contact with them.  

Funnily enough - OH's grandfather ADORES us because we are setting goals and accomplishing them and doesn't care one way or another whether we have kids or not.  

Are you doing anything to vent?  A journal?  Blog?  I used to write letters to OH's family and then burn them original.gif

#11 MsConception

Posted 03 March 2012 - 11:19 PM

I've been TTC since Nov 2008, diagnosed with unexplained infertility. I'm a problem solver, I hate not having answers, so the "unexplained" part was really doing my head in. Every time I got another failed IUI cycle meant I was no closer to finding the answers and then theoretically "fixing the problem".

As I was aware of the expense of AC, I was very cautious about jumping straight to IVF. So I tried other avenues first. I always took my time and left 2 or 3 months in between IUI cycles. I took a break and tried naturopathy. It didn't work but it gave me some time off and I refocused on my body and changed some lifestyle habits. I felt ready to tackle the AC after that.

We decided to do IVF this year. I started acupuncture in December last year, to support my IVF cycle. I also started a blog over a year ago. It really did help me vent. Eventually, I used it more as a record of my TTC journey (specifically  IVF) rather than a venting ground. And it became a project that helped  take the focus off my whole IVF process. And it was fantastic to know  someone was reading my story and then to receive comments from other  girls going through the same thing was really uplifting.

The things that kept me going was having one close girlfriend to tell everything to. Seeing a counsellor really helped me change my perspective on things. Writing a blog.  Reminding myself that I'm more than this, I have other facets of my life that I love and need to focus on. My dogs. Don't be afraid of taking a break, what's 1 month in the big scheme of things?

I hope this helps somewhat? I know how frustrating it can be. Avoiding SILs and their babies. I had one work colleague tell me that I better get pregnant soon, as I'm running out of time. I was 30, the same age as her. Otherwise, good luck with everything.

Edited by MsConception, 03 March 2012 - 11:19 PM.

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