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Termination due to Anomaly Support Group #11

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#26 Howl

Posted 21 January 2012 - 09:37 PM

I hope everyone is doing OK. I was reading through the thread and wanted to just add some of my thoughts.

It's been nearly 2 years since I lost my little boy Kimon. The time has gone by so quickly and his birth is still so fresh in my mind. One of Gaia's posts about guilt really rang true for me. Even now, I find the decision hard to deal with. I wish I never had to decide. I did it with love and kindness for Kimon as my guiding reasons but my mind still plays games with me. I sometimes imagine that I am back in the hospital on the night he was induced. In my imagination I decide not to go through with it. I continue with the pregnancy, he is born, we have a few operations and he is fine.

I still find it all so hard to accept. Why did he have to have a broken heart? Why him?

I just wish he was still alive and I had my 3 sons with me now.

#27 SarahBubble

Posted 08 February 2012 - 11:27 AM

Hi everyone

I hope you don't mind me posting here, just hard to know where to post things some days! I feel kind of guilty even wanting to say what's on my mind, but hoping you know where I'm coming from. I have a lot to be thankful for, I have a beautiful, active, intelligent, busy 20mo DD who I am incredibly grateful and proud of, and not least of all my wonderful DH who is everything I need him to be. So, I feel guilty that my world came crashing down last Friday and I'm still only starting to process it.

We had our blood tests and normal start to our second pregnancy, all seemed great, my body adapting as last time. Then we went to our ultrasound last Friday. It was a bit disrupted as our DD was there and getting tired so she was tickling my toes and all those helpful things, but I didn't really realise things weren't going well until I heard the "You need to go straight to your GP from here, I've called the clinic and they're expecting you, I'm not happy with the baby". My heart dropped. They wouldn't tell me what they'd found, they obviously knew, but I was given the U/S films and told to go immediately. So, not surprisingly I broke down. Then the dilemma. DD was exhausted as we'd had to wait for the appt, so she needed a sleep. I couldn't get on to anyone to ask them to mind her, so poor DH had to take her home for a sleep and I had to drive myself to the GP. I somehow got there safely, got the the clinic and couldn't even say my own name I was so upset. Got straight in to see a dr (not mine as he was away) and he told me my baby had foetal anencephaly. No chance. I couldn't believe it. Heartbeat was fine, everything else was fine.... so then comes the decision. Either continue with pregnancy with a chance of going full-term, or have a weekend at home and say goodbye to our baby at the start of the week. So, I decided to have a weekend at home and book in to hospital on Monday. Worst decision to have to make on my own ever. The dr was lovely, spent ages with me, called the hospital etc. Then I had the heartbreaking drive home to tell my DH that our baby we'd been trying for for ages wasn't going to make it. So horrible. So after a weekend of tears we made it to the hospital on Monday. Luckily for me, my DH is great when I'm down (I'm usually the optimist) and kept bantering and being silly in a good way to keep me going. Bless him. I was also lucky that the on-call obs/gyn registrar was lovely and caring, and wanted to help, as the phone call my dr had made on the Friday obviously hadn't been noted as no booking had been placed. But, theatre was having a 'slow' morning and day ward was able to take me. Phew. Not sure I could have handled going home. I don't know how many times I broke down telling my story that morning. So, I got put at the top of the list and it all happened. I gather everything went to textbook plan as I'm physically recovering well - is it possible to not feel guilty about that? Emotionally there's a huge part of me that is still sure I'm pregnant, but I guess that'll just take a while. I am sitting on the fence at the moment, feeling good that I got to say 'bye baby' before I went under anaesthetic, feeling awfully sad that our potential little life was voluntarily taken, guilty for the relief that its been done and therefore not impending, heartbroken that I won't have a newborn in August, happy that my DD won't be expecting a little brother/sister and not have it occur.... what to do? How do you reconcile this? Or do you just wait til your heart and head come to an agreement? I don't know. I wonder if I'll feel worse about it when I no longer feel physically pregnant? I don't know. I never thought I would have to go through this, I kind of assumed that as I hadn't had any bleeding or anything that I would be fine.

I apologise to those of you who have obviously gone through a lot more than I have, I do appreciate that I'm very lucky really, just trying to get my head around things.

Thanks if you've gotten this far. I don't expect responses, just wanted to get it out. I feel compelled to thank the staff I was lucky enough to deal with on Monday, their care and compassion for me was second to none. Anyway, thanks again

#28 Maz72

Posted 11 February 2012 - 09:15 PM

SarahBubble - of course this is where you should post.  And I can't imagine why you think you're lucky or any better off than anyone else here?  We've all been through something like what you've just experienced.  I'm thankful for your sake that at least the staff you were involved with were so kind and compassionate.

I'm so sorry you have had to farewell your baby while you were probably still celebrating the pregnancy.  I completely understand the feeling that you are still pregnant.  I had my baby at 21 weeks and had been feeling him kick for about a month by then.  I still "felt" kicks for several months after his birth.  I wish I could give you some answers to your questions, but unfortunately I don't know them either.  I can say that over the last 4 months my emotions have been very up and down.  I'm not sure that we can reconcile all the conflicting emotions - just that with time and being gentle and kind to ourselves hopefully we find some peace with what has happened.

AFM - I was just revisiting this page as I'm struggling a bit myself right now, having just passed my due date.  I'm so fed up with people not wanting to hear me talk about it.  It seems to make others so uncomfortable and they change the subject so quickly.  Luckily I am seeing a lovely counsellor, but she doesn't make up for the complete lack of family and friends willing to listen to me if I'm a bit down.  I'm fortunate to have a great husband and beautiful 2yo son and I really do enjoy them so much, but my heart breaks for the baby I should be holding in my arms now...  I also seem to be going through a really angry phase at the moment - and I'm really jealous of other women with babies.  These feelings seem so mean and nasty, but that's how I feel.  Has anyone else felt like this?

#29 haras76

Posted 17 February 2012 - 06:16 AM

Hi all,

I am new here and would like some advise please. We have been faced with the harrowing decision to terminate at 20 weeks and have just found out our options for termination last night. I am hoping this will all occur Monday or tues, how will I get through the next few days??

Sorry this is sensitive ....... I am thankfully not having to give birth (sorry but this upsets me too much) but as you would all know the procedure will be horrific enough. I am going through a clinic in SA and it will be a two day procedure... Has anyone been through this procedure, similar to a D & C?

I am very upset and I guess looking for reassurance that I am strong enough to get through this... The tears are flowing as I write.

Pls, pls tell me how you coped?

#30 brontie

Posted 17 February 2012 - 08:47 AM

I am so sorry to hear you have found yourself in our little community. *hugs*
I cant give you much insight into the proceedure your having, I gave birth to my little man at 18w as surgery wasnt an option, he was our first pregnancy... I have to say although it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I am glad I did it. Felt like I had done the full circle, I got to hold/cuddle him and they gave us some keepsakes.. The hospital took photos and will hold onto them untill we are ready to see them (if ever).. One thing that took me by surprise was my milk came in, 3 days later. I have since learned that there are some pills you can get to avoid it. I would enquire, having huge engorged breasts is not pleasant when you feel so vulnerable.

I highly recommend contacting your local SIDS n KIDS, they have a few options, 1on1, group (special termination due to abnormality), phone or inperson etc.. I really didnt think it was for me, but after a few months, I felt like I didnt have anyone to talk to and they were there, its free and really helpful..

I wish you all the strength in the world to get through the next week, its hard and sh*tty and no-one should ever be in this position. Cry and Cry and Cry some more, whatever you feel is normal and ok. Hang in there, oneday it will get better..

Seems typical of family/friends to just not want to talk about it.. I feel like sometimes its all I talk about.. But your right, thats where counselling does help. I am part of group sessions now and we have a little b*tch session at the end about family/friends lack of support, always makes us feel better.. Its amazing how being able to talk openly about it makes you feel.

I went through a stage where I didnt want to leave the house due to babies/pregnant women.. It made me so incredibly mad.. I felt like it was just so unfair, I felt ripped off and even though it was our choice to end the pregnancy when we did it didnt make me feel any better... It passed but honestly it was probably only because I suddenly found myself expecting again..

hugs to you... I really hope your still feeling mild improvement.. I think what makes this community special is that we all got to say goodbye to our children in one way or another. I have personally gained a mountain of support and strength from this group, and I hope you (and the other ladies) do too..

Your such a strong women being able to make that big call all on our own. Your partner sounds like a brilliant man, take strength in the support from him and your DD.

Easter will be the 1yr anniversary of saying goodbye to Liam.. My heart just breaks thinking about it.. 1 whole year.. Im sitting at home now waiting for this surprise baby to arrive.. hes due 1 month before that anniversary.. I dont know if I am scared or excited or ready or what.. I know it will be OK and that so many of you have already walked in my shoes and come out the other side being able to love the next baby just as much (or is it I am scared I wont love Liam as much?)..

hugs to everyone.

#31 *Gaia*

Posted 19 February 2012 - 05:41 PM

Hi Everyone,

Maz - I can relate very strongly to the feelings you described. Both in terms of feeling like family/friends dont want to hear about it anymore and feeling angry at parents with their babies. I dont know what to do with that anger. Sometimes I think it does seem mean and unreasonable but I do feel it and I cant really change it. I think because it just highlights what I should have and the unfairness of that seems so great that I am just so angry.

Brontie - Thinking of you and your Liam as the 1yr anniversary approaches.

ZKP - I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy, Kimon. The decision ways heavy on my mind also. I think that part of it is something no one can understand who hasnt had to make it. Sometimes I try to explain how hard that decision is and how it stays with you but I dont think people understand. I always try to tell myself what you said - that we made this decision through love and kindness. But it doesnt always change the feelings you have.

Haras - I am so so sorry that you are facing this. I wish I had some good advice for you but the truth is I dont know how we cope with this. It is such a hard thing to go through. Even now I am trying to find some words of strength for you but at a time like this I think language fails. Just know I am thinking of you and we are all here for you. Please reach out to any support you can at this tough time. x x x

SarahBubble - Im so sorry you received such devastating news and had to make such a difficult decision. You were very strong to go through so much on your own. Im glad you have the support of a wonderful dh, it certainly does help. Thinking of you x

AFM - 3 months on and I dont feel like I have moved on at all. If anything things get harder. I do start worrying that I will never be a parent and I wonder what went wrong with our little angel and why this happens to us. But no one understands, even people who were sad with you at the time have now moved on. Which is ok of course they move on with their lives but I just hate that they treat me like Ive moved on too. I know that people dont want to talk about it all the time but its hard for me not to talk about it. I find it really hard to have a normal conversation like nothing happened and Im fine and as if I dont think about it anymore. I feel like Im always acting and never really get to be me how I really am.

#32 SarahBubble

Posted 21 February 2012 - 01:30 PM

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your support and kind words, I'm still finding it almost surreal that such a short time ago we were happily waiting to tell everyone we were pregnant, luckily a few people knew so they've been great. Maz I feel for you - at this stage I'm lucky I can talk to people and they don't mind. I'm here if you need a chat original.gif

Gaia - *hugs* I can't imagine how tough that would be - hard enough to try and stay strong let alone wondering what happened. Fingers and toes crossed for you.

- thinking of you as Liam's anniversary approaches, and I'm sure he'll always hold a special corner of your heart all to himself, just as he deserves to. Nothing will diminish his importance, but that doesn't mean that your new little person will be overshadowed either - anyone going through a loss like this has a special understanding of the importance of little people

Haras - I wish you all the best for this time, I don't know what its going to be like for you, but I hope you get as much time as you need with your little one, and all the support in the world. Thinking of you xoxox

I'm sitting here letting myself cry at what was meant to be, listening to Adele 21, and grateful that you all know what its like. Strange that its a consolation, but that support is huge. I am immensely lucky that my friends and family are not expecting me to 'get over it', I think in some ways they're surprised that DH needs to as well. Poor boy got a bit forgotten at the start I think. I'm still waiting for karotyping results, so its a waiting game for us to know where to go from here, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Big hugs to all, thanks for your time original.gif

#33 brontie

Posted 05 March 2012 - 06:41 PM

Hi everyone..

I recently went to the hospital I delivered Liam at and stood in the birth suite where he came and went so preciously.. That room was giving me nightmares, so I decided before I could embark on delivering my next son, I need to see that it was just a room and there is nothing to be afraid of..

Needless to say I cried all morning, all the way there  but once inside I took a deep breath and smiled.. A weight was lifted and I finally felt like I understood all those emotions deep down inside, hidden..

On a happy note I delivered the next day, a week early. A healthy boy who looks just like his angel brother. My heart is filled with love for them both, and I still wish Liam was here, and we could be all together. Liam is his middle name, so he will always know he has a brother looking over him. It was my husbands idea.

Be brave everyone, sending love to you all.

#34 Maz72

Posted 17 March 2012 - 12:58 PM

Brontie - congratulations!  I'm so pleased for you that the weight lifted before you had your second beautiful boy.  It's a wonderful idea to keep Liam's name in your second son's.  I hope you're really enjoying your new bub and that it is everything you hoped for and missed out on the first time around.  original.gif

#35 *Gaia*

Posted 23 March 2012 - 08:22 PM

Brontie - Congratulations on the birth of your son. That is wonderful news. There must also be moments when it is bitter sweet as he would remind you so much of your Liam. Congratulations again and I hope you are enjoying the time with your baby.

I hope everyone else is doing ok. The fact that it is so quiet in here is hopefully is a good sign that people are coping.

I am having a really bad night. Dh is out and I am on my own. I have the flu which is really bringing me down and I know the fact I am physically so exhausted is half the reason for feeling overwhelmed with negative emotion. I just feel so down right now. I dont have anyone to talk to as family and friends have put me in the too hard basket. Which is ok, I know it is hard dealing with some one long term who isnt getting over things. But now Im sick and dh is out and I just feel so alone and uncared about. I know I am being a bit of an emotional sook like I do generally when Im sick. But I think its also that Im too exhausted to keep at bay all the feelings which I have been ignoring.
Anyway I just thought Id come here and get some things out as I dont really have anywhere else.

Thinking of you all x x

Edited by *Gaia*, 25 October 2012 - 03:31 PM.

#36 mandy303

Posted 24 March 2012 - 02:32 PM

Hi Girls - I have never actually posted in here but have spent a lot of time reading others experiences. I have just never found the words I wanted to write. I terminated at 13 weeks a baby in anacephalies and as you all know it is a hard road and I have had good days and bad days.

Gaia - I couldn't read your post and not reply. I'm so sorry to hear that you were having a bad night yesterday. I too seem to really struggle emotionally when I am sick/tired/stressed and nearly always when I am home by myself. I tend to tourture myself as well by watching stupid shows like teen mom. I have personally found that I cope better when I am busy and have been throwing myself into work and designing a new house. I know sometimes its hard to get off the couch and ask someone for help - but is there anyone you can reach out too? I know you said that everyone is sick of you - but maybe you just need to explain the situation and how you are feeling to them and ask for some more support.

I am so sorry about what you are going through with your sister. I hope you can sort things out - it would be such a shame for you not to be involved in this part of her life.

Just wanted to send you my love and best wishes. I hope today was easier x

#37 brontie

Posted 31 March 2012 - 06:52 PM

I also hope the silence in here is a good sign for everyone..

Tomorrow (April Fools Day) is the anniversary of when we were dealt the worst news ever about Liam.. It was also the day we made the hardest decision ever.. But one I will stand by. Tuesday morning will be 1 year since he came and went so peacefully, just thinking about it makes me cry. I miss him everyday..

Were planning to visit him and lay a rock ornament at the memorial, I am a bit nervous about it. Like most things the thought of it is worse that the actual doing, I get all worked up about it, but then when I am in the moment its not that bad and I feel better..

I hope your feeling better, its hard when your alone.. Sending you hugs.

#38 Freckles

Posted 09 April 2012 - 09:11 AM

Bump, as I don't want this support group to be lost off the front page of this area.

Emma (Moderator)

#39 SuburbnJournalista

Posted 18 April 2012 - 12:24 AM

Sorry to read that there are new members to this group. It's such a fantastic place to come and share what's almost impossible to put into words.

It's 18 months since we said goodbye to our Trisome 18 baby.

I had waited over a month between the 12 week results showing our baby might have Trisome 18 to have it confirmed (odds were 1/37) and went for a D&E. I had so many surgical procedures in the past, it seemed an easy option and the thought of going through a birth freaked me out.

If anyone else comes to this forum wondering what decision to make, it's so hard and not a decision you want to be faced with. I wish I had opted for induced birth. She was such a special and wanted baby that I feel such regret for the clinical way I ended her life. It can't be changed and I don't dwell on it but if I had my time again, I would do it differently. It felt like the right decision at the time so I have to trust that is what I could cope with. We still have her footprints and ashes which are very special.

It was also asked how to get through it. It's so hard. I had a day spa treatment every day for a week (it made me leave the house!) I didn't and couldn't speak to the people, just lay down!! I had amazing support from my friends who knew about it. Lots of flowers, hampers and comforting messages. My husband found is so hard and really benefited from the counselling through SIDS.

I hope that helps anyone else who finds themselves here. Big big hugs.

#40 anna-karin

Posted 22 April 2012 - 07:42 AM

Hi Girls,

I don't come in here very often any more as it is 4 1/2 years since my Mimmi became an Angel at 18 and a half weeks and I have moved on quite well. This group used to be my life-line, though, in the early days. The support, understanding and love I felt in here will be with me always. I am so amazed that the group is still going, and so pleased that it is still a place where women (and the occasional man over the years) can come and find solace and speak freely about how they are feeling. I am actually the person who started the thread but never in a million years did I think it would still be going after all this time. It makes me feel good to think that I have actually done something good for people.

Brontie - I love how you have given your son Liam's name as a middle name. I would like to think that I would have done the same, if I had gone on to have a Rainbow baby. I never did as I have a daughter and son already and was 46 when I had Mimmi. (I don't really like talking about my age but I do like to share the fact that I am older mother as it gives encouragement to others who may think it is too late for them to have a baby. I had my daughter at 37 and son at 44.)

'Gaia' - I know that feeling of "acting". I did a lot of that in the beginning, too. It does take time to become yourself again, and to be honest I think we will only ever be 99% of our old selves, after what we have been through. I hope and believe that you will find peace and some sort of acceptance eventually.

Everyone else, I am so glad you are here supporting each other and helping each other heal. I would honestly not be here today if it was not for the women in this group.

Love to everyone,


Posted 24 April 2012 - 09:34 PM

Wow, I wish I had found this forum a 6 weeks ago!!  I too have had to make the heart renching decisions, so many here have.  I would like to share my story as my friends don't seem to want to talk about it, and I don't want to worry my husband too much.  

We were floating in our happy little bubble, expecting our first child, a planned and so wanted baby.  But had our bubble burst with the 2 days of bad news.  The first day the doctor tells me I have had a high grade abnormality come back on my Pap Smear (which was done early because of bleeding), but got to the end of this day thinking baby is ok and this is treatable!

The second day (yep straight after that news), the doc calls and again and wants to discuss the 19 weeks scan.  The doc says our baby has severe heart and brain problems, had to wait 4 sleeps to see the specialists, it was confirmed plus more problems.  Had an amino the next day and it was confirmed Trisomy 18.

I didn't even now what this was or that is was a possibility, our 12 week results came back low risk (1 in 1627 for T18), but the doctors just kept saying it's an incompatibility with life.  We choose to terminate at this stage I was 20 weeks.  But because I live in QLD we had to wait to see the right doctor to be able to take RU486 in order help things go better (giving birth was my only option, they wouldn't do a medical termination).  By the time things happened I was 22 weeks, and Amelia was born 22+3 weeks, 300g and 26.5cm long.

Now things have settled with the baby, I am now worried about the CIN3 pap result as I have another couple of weeks to wait to get this looked at, I'm really worried it will affect my chances of falling pregnant or to carry a baby to full term.  Amelia can't be my only experience with pregnancy or birth!

Sorry for the long post, I really needed to say this all again as sometimes it just seems like a bad dream.

#42 Howl

Posted 24 April 2012 - 09:50 PM

It is like a bad dream. It was 2 years on Sunday since we gave birth to Kimon and it is still so hard to accept.

I wish you all the best with any future pregnancy and know that there are always people here to listen. Sometimes I don't reply but I still pop into read sometimes. Sometimes I just find it hard to write something.

Anna-Karin, thank you so much for starting this thread. It really has been a life line for me and so many other people. I can't talk to any people in real life about this and I don't know any other people who have gone through this in real life either. This group really saved my sanity.

Suburban Journalista - I'm sorry you had to lose your daughter too. It's so hard to know what to do at a time like that. If they had given me a choice I don't know I would have chosen. For me the only choice was birth so that's what I went with.

We scattered his ashes down the coast so we want to go down there next week. We couldn't go on the weekend because of work. It was so depressing working through his birthday. I kept some of his ashes in a little memorial pendant but sometimes I wish I kept all of them. Sometimes I feel like he's abandoned down the coast. I know that's totally irrational, but still...

Anyway, take care everyone.

Edited by Z-K-L, 25 April 2012 - 09:17 AM.

#43 anna-karin

Posted 03 June 2012 - 07:53 AM

Z-K-L, I am glad this thread has brought you comfort and helped you and others. The irony/wonderful thing is that I started the thread as an outlet for my own grief and then it went on to become something very special.

I know what you mean by saying you feel that your little Kimon is abandoned down the coast. I often think of my Mimmi in the Baby Angel Garden. I am so glad we chose the Baby Angel Garden, though, and not a grave as such, as I would feel guilty if I did not go there and tend to it all the time. She has a plaque on a big boulder set amongst other plaques and other big boulders with plaques in a beautiful little wooded area in one corner of a cemetery. Absolutely beautiful. Kimon knows he is in your heart, and think of how free his spirit is, having been scattered. And you still have some of his ashes. Perfect combination.

ABABA, I am glad you found the thread eventually and please don't apologise for the length of the post. This is a safe place to "let it all out" and everyone on here has been through what you have. I am so sorry for your loss of little Amelia and I can imagine how awful it must have been to have been kept waiting to see the specialist. I hope the last few weeks have been a bit more peaceful for you and that your results came back ok.

Everyone else - you are always in my thoughts.


#44 kirsee

Posted 31 July 2012 - 09:51 PM

It is with a heavy heart that I have found your support thread.

Our Daughter Isobella Rose has mosaic Trisomy 18. I am at a loss as to what to do as DH is away at the moment and I won't do anything til he is back but all I want to do is cry all the time.

I have a DS (2 years) who atm is being amazing with lots of extra cuddles even though he has no idea what is going on.

Please tell me that is gets easier to bear as my heart feels like it is broken in two and I can't survive like this...


#45 whyus

Posted 31 July 2012 - 10:16 PM

Kirsee I couldn't read your post without replying. Firstly I am so sorry, this is not a nice position to be in. I haven't posted in here for such a long time but I do understand your pain. Our daughter Elli become an angel 4yrs ago and while the pain is always with you it does change from being the thing that consumes you to still being there but with you being able to cope with life, but believe me this can take a very long time.

Please remember though grief has no time limit some days are easier than others. This forum has been such a safe place to come for lots of people with everyone knowing how you feel to some extent or another and no one will judge so please come back and have a yell anytime you need to.

#46 kirsee

Posted 16 August 2012 - 05:10 PM

I could have written GAIA's original post word for word as it is how I am feeling right now. I just had a phone call confirming that it is full T18.

I feel horrible but I don't think I would cope with the alternative. I will do the morphology scan next week with DH present so he can see everything for himself but then I am thinking the following week I will already be 20 weeks and I can't do this for much longer, knowing I am carrying my daughter to die is killing me...


#47 zord

Posted 17 August 2012 - 02:39 PM

Hi everyone,  The last year has been quite traumatic for me.  Last year I m/c at 6weeks then fell preg the very next month and found out just after Xmas in Jan this year that my baby had Edwards Syndrome.  I was 14.5wks and it was the hardest thing I have had to do.  My ob was fantastic about it.  The one thing I must say is that there is not much support for mums.  The genetic counselor rang me with the news and that was the first and last time I have spoken to anyone about it.  Most people have been extremely supportive and if they haven't been I am none the wiser as they haven't said anything directly to me (except one).  We have been trying again since March and tested + last night.  I am sitting here crying, stressing and wondering if I will be again dealt another horrible hand.  Firstly will I make it to 12weeks, if I do and it doesn't have edwards will it be another chromosome disorder and if I am lucky enough to get through that will I have a healthy baby.  I am lucky enough to have 2 healthy boys and feel maybe I have tempted fate too many times.....  I know stress is not good but its so hard not to be when you have been through something like this as you all know.  I am now 41 and keep thinking that ups the chances of something being wrong again.  I feel so, so, so very guilty about what I have done.  I wonder if I will be punished this time around....  I know I am lucky to have 2 healthy boys but would love a 3rd child.  My husband and I don't really discuss the past which I also find hard to deal with.  I don't really have anyone to talk about it to as no-one I know has been through it.  Many of my friends have had mc but not T18.  I feel even more guilt bc a friend of mine mc at 10wks and named her baby and I didn't do anything like that.  She was posting quite a bit on fb at the time about the name amongst other things and it wasn't long after mine and the guilt I felt was enormous.  Should I have done something like that....  I am now so scared that if its not Edwards my baby might have another anomaly.  Does anyone know the likelihood of lighting striking twice in the same place given my age.  Thanks for letting me post I sort of didn't know what else to do but wanted to get some advice.  I am really, really, really scared as I am not sure I can get through another one again.  
Kirsee - I found out and was booked in the following day.  I felt exactly like you do, and it was a terrible time.  Good luck with your decision its such a heart wrenching one and I know exactly what you are going through.

#48 wallofdodo

Posted 17 August 2012 - 09:10 PM

hey zord, I am 40, and 23 weeks pregnant.  We terminated a pregnancy last march (2011).

To say I was stressed leading up to the scan is an understatement. So far all is fine. The genetic councellors were really good to me, as were my GP's. I am doing shared care at the moment, and my GP is so understanding, she listens to all my concerns and has not once fobbed me off. Is totally realistic with me as well.

So find some good carers that you are comfortable with.

I have found that pregnancy is no longer a lovely innocent experience for me. It is fraught with doubt and concern. I often feel that I have too have rolled the dice one time too many. I hope with all my heart that everything is ok with this little guy. I have had all the testing I can, but the doubt has not subsided.

I have had a few other things happen in the period since it all happened, that have caused me distress(can't bring myself to talk about it yet) I have had a lot of councelling. The pain has subsided, but there is lingering guilt and doubt.

I have just realised this is my first post in this group. Not sure what my intention was, maybe I feel I can get it out there, but really just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your thinking. Hope all goes well for, as it has so far for me.

Edit, as for lightening, I was told that your risk is now double, so the age risk is 1:106, but for me it was 1:53. But everyone said the chance is slim, it is like lightening striking twice.

Edited by wallofdodo, 17 August 2012 - 09:14 PM.

#49 brooklyndreamin

Posted 18 August 2012 - 07:10 PM

Hi Wallofdodo and others.

I really feel your pain.  I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

This is my first post here. While I have not yet had bad news, I have to say that as a mid forties, first time pregnant to 10 wks, woman, I pretty much take if for granted that there is a very significant chance of a birth defect and therefore, I am preparing myself for termination rather than a birth  - until after the results of the CVS.  It's a very bittersweet time, because I shared the grief and pain of many of my friends as they dealt with terminations, genetic abnormalities and miscarriages that are all part of the package of conception for those with fertility challenges (age related and other). I just understand that there are so many risks - I'm hesitant to even consider this a pregnancy. It's also very lonely, because I am unable to share that I am pregnant - even with my friends, because if it isn't viable, I don't want to have to explain this to too many people. I'd like to grieve privately or at least have control over who knows about my pain.

Whether it's failed IVF attempts, early miscarriages, early loss of ovulation, we struggle because we are still the early generation of women where we have both; the power and the science to make these heart wrenching decisions.  But we lack adequate avenues to discuss or prepare for this trauma.  Thirty-Forty years ago, many of these decisions were made for women, and women had neither the knowledge nor the choice to terminate pregnancies that weren't viable. And our Mums were less likely to discuss terminations or miscarriages.   However, this trauma is now increasingly common and we probably need to be more open in discussing this pain and recognizing this as now part of the normal pregnancy-birth process. Just my 2 cents.  So this forum is great.

#50 caad

Posted 15 September 2012 - 11:34 PM

Edited by cad2, 18 September 2012 - 05:49 AM.

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