An IVF Forgetter
Why I can't enjoy being pregnant
, Nov 28 2010 11:30 AM
215 replies to this topic
Posted 01 December 2010 - 09:21 AM
I had secondary infertility with PCOS. I was told numerous times "Oh, but look at the one you have, you are so blessed", as if I was not thankful for the child I had. It was implied I had no right to complain about not falling pregnant.
I can understand Prue's comment about Miscarriage. I had multiple. Each one showed me some glimmer that hope was not lost... that I could fall pregnant. It's not that you wish a miscarriage on anyone as the pain is unbearable, but to have that brief flicker of light/life was such a blessing for me.
And now that I am pregnant again, and feeling sick, and miserable and horrible, I have been laughed at "you asked for this! you wanted it! hehehe", I have been chastised "Oh, stop complaining, you will be over it soon enough", and many other snide comments about how I have no right to be upset over being ill (and I'm not *that* sick - but I am struggling each day).
Women with infertility (of any sort) struggle. We struggle within our own heads with the anger, the hurt, the bitterness, the pain and people want to hear all about it and love us through the fact we are infertile, but the moment pregnancy hits you need to suck it all up because you don't deserve to be upset over not liking the pregnancy in fear of offending others who still are not pregnant.
It's a complete crock. We don't need to be rational in our grief over infertility, but we need to be rational when full of pregnancy hormones?
Double edged sword...
Posted 01 December 2010 - 09:49 AM
Cinnabubble all you have done in this thread is have a go at others, is that your intent in posting?
I said 'i' would not complain in a thread here, but said i understood her feeling $hit with vomtting and migraines.
You know all I hear when I read these posts from Jane05 and TheGalWho is "me, me, me". The lack of empathy or trying to understand someone else's feelings is very evident.
But it wasn't about you. It wasn't about wishing for recurrent m/c. You were clearly looking to be offended.
I too have had pregnancy losses. I could easily have chosen to be offended by her comment, but instead I saw it for what it was.
Oh Sally i have empathy i assure you. So now it's me me me if i comment on a thread talking about m/c's and how those words used were upsetting. Just because you saw it differently doesn't make me lack sympathy. I find it ironic you critisiced me for lack of empathy and understanding, yet cannot understand how someones words hurt me.
I did suck up the all day nausea and all the other complications along the way because I knew which side of the fence I preferred.
I know not everyone else can or needs to do that. But I am allowed to state the way I did it, even though you don't like my or understand my wording Cinnabubble it may connect with someone else who is actually going through the struggles of ttc for a child.
Edited by ~Jane05~, 01 December 2010 - 09:58 AM.
Posted 01 December 2010 - 12:06 PM
The comments and way people behave on here make me want to avoid the place! Why should anyone have to enjoy being pregnant? The awful thing about people is that they are so judgemental of others.
Not enjoying a difficult pregnancy bears no relevance to how grateful Pure is (and others in that boat are) for being pregnant and having the experience.
Edited by Kate73877, 01 December 2010 - 12:08 PM.
Posted 01 December 2010 - 12:07 PM
I'm not going to get involved with debate on here.
I just wanted to say that although I have had neither of the problems that Prue has had (AC or HG), I have continued to read her blog because I found her honest, raw and really funny.
Although I can never feel or understand the journey that she or other AC TTC posters have gone or are going through, it has really opened my eyes to just how bloody hard it is.
Congrats Prue, hope the HG subsides and if not, I feel sorry for you. To the other ladies still in or those that have completed their journey I wish you all the best now and for the future.
I look forward to keep on reading and how the PG progresses.
Posted 01 December 2010 - 01:52 PM
I haven't read all posts,
But just wanted to say Prue - keep trooping on love!
I was hospitalized several times with hypermesis, I ended up not being able to walk because my hips feel apart and now post pregnancy my thyroid is causing me all sorts of grief. But rest-assured it is all worth it when that little bundle is in your arms
(call me crazy but 10 months on I am already thinking of number 2)
In any case, take solace in the fact that had you have had an easier time falling pregnant the haters would have hated you more anyway - (Dam those of us who can fall pregnant naturally - how dare we?!)
And DAM right you can complain! How can anyone (and I mean anyone no matter what their struggle) begrudged a highly hormonal, throwing up to the point of dehydrated woman a whinge no matter what her journey to getting there!
Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy I really hope the sickness calms down for me it was around 20 weeks when it finally subsided.
Posted 01 December 2010 - 02:52 PM
edit for previously stated reasons.
Edited by Seanj, 02 December 2010 - 12:19 AM.
Posted 01 December 2010 - 03:27 PM
Feeling so bad is no joke, hopefully one day your just feel like you again... I'm still waiting for that one too.
As if IVF isn't the hardest thing to go through there is more to deal with. Its funny how sometimes you can go through hell but when its all over you find yourself wanting to go back there again..
good luck for the future
Posted 01 December 2010 - 07:44 PM
Edited by thegalwho, 05 December 2010 - 06:04 PM.
Posted 01 December 2010 - 08:12 PM
I was pregnant with twins, indentical girls, who are now 2 and it was not as easy as I expected it to be.
I had to eat and have something in my stomach or else I threw up often and it was terrible. I had really bad morning sickness that lastest all day not just in the morning. I could not stand most smells and found it impossible to fit into any clothes during the pregnancy.
I did have moments that I was happy and glowing and not having your period was nice but you get all the other issues that come with pregnancy.
I had carpel tunnel in my hands due to the water rentention and just the fact that you are bigger early made it impossible to bend over and do normal things or keep up with your job.
I do understand how you feel and I know it is tough but it is not for long that you have to do it and then you will have 2 babies at the end. It is hard but it does get better.
Not everyone enjoys pregnancy but wants the child and embraces the pregnancy to get to the end result.
I am sure that you will be fine, and there is no harm in hating the horrible things that go with it, I just wished my husband could have gone through what I was experiencing as it was a very unique experience.
It could also be the fact that you are carrying 2 babies that you are feeling things more and having such reactions to such things, hormones, water rentetion and other things are doubled due to the 2 babies. All very annoying to say the least. At least with one pregnancy you can get the family over and done with.
I do feel for what you are going through as I have done it.
Posted 01 December 2010 - 08:45 PM
I seriously doubt Prue would have got the reaction she did for 'complaining' if she hadn't also compared it to a 'walk in the park IVF'.
Which was ironic given Prue's previous article about how comparing suffering is wrong and unhelpful - so true.
Prue was comparing her own suffering, not hers against someone else's.
This thread has gotten completely out of hand. Of course people become emotional about these issues, that's natural and to be expected but when it devolves into laying down black & white dirctives about who should be happy and grateful through debilitating chronic illness or who should just smile & be pleasant despite facing the devastating prospect of never having a child things have clearly gone too far. There are so many women in here speaking on behalf of others through their own opinions & so many jumping on the outrage bandwagon that is EB's vehicle of choice it's becoming a two directional witch hunt.
The PPs who said we should all stop judging each other are right on the mark. Everybody's experience and suffering and disappointments in life are different and should not be compared against others. There is no scale or hierarchy of suffering and we should all be able to empathise and console one another without prejudice. I would like to think our capacity for compassion and understanding is greater than our need to find fault and lay blame.
Posted 01 December 2010 - 11:01 PM
Prue, if you have the ability to get offended at someone's comment & turn that into a paid blog post you will be able to mine soooooo much material from motherhood.
People can take offense at the way people describe their own lives. I'm finding all this offensive myself.
Posted 02 December 2010 - 12:08 AM
And what's with the "how dare we fall pregnant naturally" rant? I don't care that you can fall pregnant naturally, seriously I don't but what I would LOVE is if women who have never really struggled TO fall pregnant, could perhaps offer those of us who do have problems falling pregnant, a bit of understanding when we get upset, depressed, angry, bitter when we don't get motherhood as easily as you do.
Well said thegalwho... I was trying to put my finger on why some of these posts upset me, and yes, it's because of the lack of empathy some PP have shown towards those of us who struggle with infertility.
Posted 02 December 2010 - 03:36 AM
Well said Thegalwho and Eclectic.
Quote Thegalwho; 'I think alot of people on this thread are looking to be offended, when really there was nothing to be offended about. If you have time in your life to be offended by a suggestion to try and look for some positives out of your situation - well lets just say I wish I had your life!'
Edited by Seanj, 02 December 2010 - 03:47 AM.
Posted 02 December 2010 - 07:46 AM
I'll leave this discussion. It's clear that some people will not see each other's point of view, so the discussion is pointless and I feel that some innocent bystanders are being hurt.
By all means be angry at the universe. You have every right to be. Infertility is cruel. Nobody here has said that it isn't and I think it's unfair to say that people here have shown a lack of empathy for infertility. However, Prue and others like her are not the source of your pain. It is not fair to take it out on Prue and others like her. She is simply being honest with her feelings and HER journey and I hope that she continues to be.
Posted 02 December 2010 - 10:56 AM
I'll leave this discussion. It's clear that some people will not see each other's point of view, so the discussion is pointless and I feel that some innocent bystanders are being hurt.
By all means be angry at the universe. You have every right to be. Infertility is cruel. Nobody here has said that it isn't and I think it's unfair to say that people here have shown a lack of empathy for infertility.
Yeah, apart from the comments - infertility is not a risk to health or life, it's depressing but not serious, it's a choice, it's risks aren't natural, it's a dangers come from new technology, it's a silly comparison to HG - not because its silly to compare - but because it's not serious enough etc etc?
Infertile women were told they had their claws out, were lacking empathy, damning pregnant women, jealousy, pathetic...and we're only objecting to that because of we're angry at the world, not because it's also unfair?
Posted 02 December 2010 - 10:59 AM
For me - I'm long time infertile, IVF, ended up using donor eggs, bled throughout the pregnancy and constantly worried that I was going to lose the bubs. most of the time, i didn't really think it was going to happen. I was waiting for the next disappointment or disaster.
Anyone who has experienced infertility or miscarriage will know what i mean. Joy is not necessarily something that you experience during ttc or pregnancy - it's more likely to be anxiety.
Anyone who has carried twins will also know that it can become incredibly uncomfortable.
Anyone who has experience pregnancy will know that there are so many possible discomforts that you can experience (I won't catalogue them here...) that you really want the baby to be born by the end (which is probably the whole idea!!)
Now i have my twins, born healthy, and now 5 years old. I now have the luxury of being able to complain about my children just like other parents. That is a real gift. I've got them. Yay. :-)
But I still don't ever take them for granted.
To all of you struggling ttc my heart goes out to you and I wish you success on your journey.
Posted 02 December 2010 - 12:37 PM
WOW, what a read!
Prue has disclosed her innermost thoughts and feelings in a blog but they are her own. Everyones life and each journey is different- thats what makes us individuals.
BUt if one cant be entirely truthful and honest in this sort of forum then who can we be honest with?
One should never be punished for being themselves. I dont believe there was any malice towards any one person or group in Prue's blog- it was just an account of someone speaking thruthfully about their experiences.
To see the disitegration of this blog into a he said/she said war of words means that we have missed the point about what these blogs are designed to achieve.
I wish everyone the best of luck with their journeys- whatever they may be.
Posted 02 December 2010 - 01:42 PM
It seems to me that long term TTC and assisted conception is such a deep and emotional journey. It must, by its very nature, have a profound impact on anyone who has to walk that path. Finding out you're pregnant doesn't just wipe all that away, and suffering HG while trying to adjust to this new reality is probably a very different experience to suffering HG after an easy conception. Prue
, I think you are far from an IVF forgetter. By your own admission your journey to this pregnancy is having an effect on your experience of this pregnancy. Someone with an easy conception journey just says 'this sucks' and that's that, but you have expressed a barrage of tumultuous emotions and thoughts.
To those who have said 'you don't understand until you experience it' with respect to HG, can't you see that even this is a slap in the face to those struggling with TTC? I have experienced neither AC nor HG, but with the small
taste of both that I have experienced (TTC #1 for 12 months, and vomiting and dehydration from bad ms during pregnancy) I've got to say that infertility would be just about my worst nightmare.
Edited by BabyGabi, 02 December 2010 - 01:45 PM.
Posted 02 December 2010 - 02:01 PM
Thank you for being so kind. That almost made me cry.
I have noticed members removing their experiences from this thread, because it's so hurtful to have those dismissed.
Unfortunately I think we are going to get more comments from people who read the OP and go, oh, those nasty IVFers 'damning' a pregnant woman - even if the context was about Prue's own judgments (and using a quote ).
I'm not going to keep banging me head on a wall. I'm off, too.
Posted 02 December 2010 - 02:30 PM
Just because you went through IVF doesn't mean you aren't entitled to ever complain about anything. You have terrible morning sickness, of course you aren't enjoying pregnancy. And for the record, it doesn't mean you aren't ever allowed to complain about the other issues associated with pregnancy, childbirth and not to mention the years of child rearing ahead of you. Did you know that IVF pregancies also carry with them a higher rate of post natal depression? Part of that is because for many women, the stress and then high expectations associated with successfully falling pregnant with IVF mean that they struggle with some of the down sides of having babies. And the added pressure of feeling like they can't talk about that to anyone because they should be 'grateful.' You can be grateful and have a hard time, at the same time. Complain away if it makes you feel better. It sounds awful. And frankly, pregnancy isn't that much fun for a lot of women. I didn't really like it that much. For me, the middle trimester the first time round was pretty good and the rest was pretty average. I won't go into the litany of syptoms I had with pregnancy, many women experience them and your medical condition would make pregnancy nearly impossible to enjoy unless you have some sort of screw loose
Stop the press - child birth is no walk in the park either - it's amazing, but I wouldn't describe it as fun!
But Prue, one thing that I can guarantee, you will love your children (some days more than others). And you will grow a thicker skin because you have to learn to do that when you become a parent. And console yourself, it's the one and only time - after this one's done - you never have to be pregnant again.
And a lot of women don't enjoy pregnancy, it's a bit of a myth, the whole glowing thing. Out of my friends, I reckon I know more who weren't so into it than who actually loved being pregnant. It won't make you a worse mum in the long run.
Posted 02 December 2010 - 03:08 PM
I so agree.. being pregnant was the worst 9 months of my life. What a joy it was to have a beautiful baby after all that....
Posted 02 December 2010 - 09:54 PM
It does not necessarily get easier when bubs are born, it just gets different. Newborn babies are very difficult (at least mine were) and I have never spent as much time crying as I have over issues with newborns (breastfeeding issues, sleep issues, reflux issues, baby in pain issues etc. etc.). Then, they hit the supposedly delightful time of 6 months or so, with separation anxiety issues. Then toddlerdom and more sleep and separation anxiety issues. Then the terrible twos when all you do all day long is tell them off for doing or not doing what you want them to do. But, its all worth it, and you just need to look for the joyful moments interspersed with the difficult times.
Posted 03 December 2010 - 04:32 AM
Not all newborns are difficult. DD didn't sleep but was a happy little girl, DS spent 90% of his time sleeping. You definitely can't assume all newborns are hard.
Posted 03 December 2010 - 02:06 PM
How far along are you? Really hope for you that things will get better. Pregnancy is not easy especially if you are carrying twins. I am also pregnant after a long journey and it is a strange concept as I never expected I would actually get here. Try to enjoy the good moments and feel free to complain about the bad ones, sending hugs.
Posted 03 December 2010 - 02:30 PM
Prue, I totally sympathise with you.
Being pregnant is conceptually a beautiful and miraculous thing and of course regardless of how we each get blessed, naturally or via a little help - we all have gratitude and appreciation. BUT Pregnancy is not always physically enjoyable.
We must remember that pregnancy is a different journey for everyone and for the unlucky few - it can be a horrid time. I hate being pregnant. I am forever throwing up, I get hunger pains that hurt me to the core, the constant nausea is unbearable and the only solace is sleep! The conscious state is one that I endure - there is little joy or comfort - not until the few last weeks of pregnancy when the sickness subides a little.
I have two beautiful boys and plan on having a third, willingly and knowling that my pregnancy will most likely follow the same hellish path. I believe that what I get in the end - a gorgeous child that is part me, part my husband and part its cheeky brothers - is a truely wonderful thing.
The fact that I do not enjoy pregnancy, by no means diminshes my sense of gratitude for what I have growing inside of me and I find it rather offensive that I could be judged by others as not being appreciative for this precious gift.
Edited by Charty, 03 December 2010 - 02:31 PM.
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