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The Happy Ending


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#26 j0j0

Posted 30 July 2010 - 04:16 PM

We all like happy endings however, not everyone has a dream run to parenthood, trying to conceive through to pregnancy and birth.  The not so happy ending should make you appreciate just what you have.  Just remember that if you think you have it bad, there is always someone else who has it worse.

#27 Mrs Bob

Posted 30 July 2010 - 05:53 PM

Hi All,

I guess I dont really belong in this forum, as I represent the obviously small percentage of people with an unhappy ending. No one would want to read my book, except maybe fellow members of my club.

I love my life as it is now, my husband and I have planned our future without children.

I wont say any more, exept the hardest thing about being a member is being identified as such.

:)

#28 The Magic Box

Posted 30 July 2010 - 08:54 PM

QUOTE (j0j0 @ 30/07/2010, 04:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
We all like happy endings however, not everyone has a dream run to parenthood, trying to conceive through to pregnancy and birth.  The not so happy ending should make you appreciate just what you have.  Just remember that if you think you have it bad, there is always someone else who has it worse.


None of this is particularly helpful.  I'm fairly certain that everyone in here is well aware that not everyone gets the "dream run".  In fact, many don't even reach their original intended destination of parenthood.

I seriously doubt that any long-term TTCer doesn't appreciate what they do have.  That, however, does not preclude them from desperately wanting what they don't have.  And nor should it.  Wanting to be a parent is not exactly a frivolous desire, it's something that can consume every fibre of your being.  

My heart goes out to those that did not get their happy ending.  I'm so very sorry.




#29 oneforme

Posted 30 July 2010 - 09:25 PM

I am a lucky mum of one beautiful 8 year old, we have been TTC for the past 4 years and have suffered a few miscarriages. I think you're very brave Prue to let people know what you're going through, I haven't told anyone but my immediate family about our struggle, I'm not sure why, I think I just don't want people feeling sorry for me and asking me every other day how I am and trying to force their ideas on me of what I should be trying and what they think would help us. And part of what I don't like about my situation is the fact that when you have one child people assume it is by choice and that you're selfish for only wanting one... But that's my own fault I guess since I don't want to discuss it with anyone. Good luck on your journey Prue, I hope you are successful in TTC.


#30 MagentaBaby

Posted 31 July 2010 - 03:32 PM

QUOTE (~jody~ @ 30/07/2010, 08:54 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>


I seriously doubt that any long-term TTCer doesn't appreciate what they do have.  That, however, does not preclude them from desperately wanting what they don't have.  And nor should it.  Wanting to be a parent is not exactly a frivolous desire, it's something that can consume every fibre of your being.  

My heart goes out to those that did not get their happy ending.  I'm so very sorry.

Very well put, ~jody~  

Prue,
QUOTE
I hope none of my friends or family have read that particular novel, lest they think I'm making it out to be a bigger deal than it really is.
IGWYM with this, completely! I recall living shrouded by tis very notion while we were going through our long ttc years. All the best on your journey.

#31 prue~c

Posted 01 August 2010 - 02:43 PM

QUOTE
I guess I dont really belong in this forum, as I represent the obviously small percentage of people with an unhappy ending. No one would want to read my book, except maybe fellow members of my club.

I love my life as it is now, my husband and I have planned our future without children.


Of course you belong here! The entire point of this post was to point out that stories like yours aren't out there for others to read about. Of course not everyone wants to tell their story, but during m search for information, everything seems to have a happy ending, and things don't always end up like that.

QUOTE
The not so happy ending should make you appreciate just what you have. Just remember that if you think you have it bad, there is always someone else who has it worse.


Of course there is always someone who has it worse. If I had a dollar for each time that particular phrase was said to me - particularly by my Mother - I would be an incredibly rich woman.

I thanks the Gods regularly that I live in a country with accessible and affordable IVF; that I can afford the out of pocket expenses without difficulty; that I have a job I adore in an exciting and dynamic industry; that I have the Best Husband in the world; that my health is somewhat ok... the thanks never end,  but really, is it too much for me to want and hope to have a family? No apologies from me there.

#32 mel_73

Posted 01 August 2010 - 04:44 PM

I cannot but wish for your happy ending Prue. And I'll read your book whatever happens - your ability to send a message with your writing rings true.

#33 winterleaf

Posted 01 August 2010 - 05:23 PM

One book that I know of that is about not reaching the happy ending is
Silent Sorority. I haven't read it as yet so I can't make any comments on the contents.

I would love to read your book Prue. I sincerely hope that you get your happy ending.

Edited by winterleaf, 01 August 2010 - 05:24 PM.


#34 Spaniel

Posted 01 August 2010 - 06:40 PM

All I wanted when I was doing IVF was a happy ending (and, by extension, to read about them). When we didn't get the happy ending, all I wanted was to read about people surviving the unhappy ending (because I thought I wouldn't). Now my husband and I are 5 years into the international adoption process with no guarantees, so I am trying to avoid stories about celebrities who have adopted a child (because there are so many orphans in the world - refer to your previous blog topic) and it only took them 9-12 months. Basically I can't take pleasure in flicking through trashy magazines in the checkout queue anymore because they are full of these stories. The cinema is also currently having a big run on adoption movies. I am reading  a lot of books about gardening original.gif .

#35 Mariamsmum

Posted 01 August 2010 - 07:06 PM

QUOTE
I seriously doubt that any long-term TTCer doesn't appreciate what they do  have. That, however, does not preclude them from desperately wanting what they don't have. And nor should it. Wanting to be a parent is not exactly a frivolous desire, it's something that can consume every fibre of your being.

My heart goes out to those that did not get their happy ending. I'm so very sorry.


Perfectly put ~jody~

Here's hoping that I get to read your happy ending Prue. Always wishing you the best...


#36 Trudles

Posted 01 August 2010 - 08:38 PM

Prue, like everyone else here, I hope your ending is a happy one.

I am currently trying to write a card to the parents of a friend of mine who suicided 5 years ago after a long, unsuccessful IVF journey. It breaks my heart that for her, life was not worth living past the day she was told there was no hope of a baby through IVF.

I know it's simplistic to say that there's more to life than conceiving a baby. But a can't help thinking Prue, that stories like yours might help people to have a more realistic expectation of IVF, and, I don't know, hang in there if IVF doesn't work for them.

Edited by Trudles, 01 August 2010 - 09:12 PM.


#37 Bloomer

Posted 01 August 2010 - 09:24 PM

QUOTE
I seriously doubt that any long-term TTCer doesn't appreciate what they do have. That, however, does not preclude them from desperately wanting what they don't have. And nor should it. Wanting to be a parent is not exactly a frivolous desire, it's something that can consume every fibre of your being.

My heart goes out to those that did not get their happy ending. I'm so very sorry.


I hope that they just got a different happy ending.. As one who had a happy ending after not too long an ordeal(3 years but not the IVF path) I was looking for the stories also of those who were able to get on with their lives and enjoy the children of their friends and enjoy life with no regrets..

The story of course is only just begining at the birth of the child there are many more stories to happen after and some a little painful. Especially as a mum soon to be 50 with two young girls..

Edited by cathy40s, 01 August 2010 - 09:26 PM.


#38 shell***

Posted 02 August 2010 - 03:35 AM

I hope you get your happy ending too.

We're so goal orientated, a baby = happiness. From someone who hoped, gave up, looked at life beyond fertility then tried again, really think about your whole life and what you're prepared to sacrifice for your dream. Just like getting married, you want to plan (as much as possible) for a happy ever after beyond the wedding ceremony - it's just the beginning of the partnership not the final destination.
I'd say you really need to decide how much you want to give of yourself to achieve your dream. I have a beautiful 8 month old baby after TTC for 7 years. If I dream now, I'd love to have another baby but in reality I feel so traumatised by the journey I just can't bring myself to put myself & DH through the IVF rollercoaster ever again. After basically spending my 30s TTC & a complicated pregnancy, I'm just going to count my blessings & love every day with my own little miracle. You may ask me, was it worth it? At 3 am resettling him and refilling the humidifier (he's had a cold), to hold that warm trusting bundle in my arms ....yes.

#39 thegalwho

Posted 02 August 2010 - 08:58 AM

The sad fact is that the stories of those of us who have gone on to live a childless life, be it happily or sadly, are few and far between.

When people reach the end of the road, they seem reluctant to keep blogging OR writing about it in general. Life after ttc, living childless is a hard topic to write about. It's a journey bogged down in sadness, anger, bitterness, blackness and few want to read about that - why? Well because people PREFER to read about the happy endings. The ones who finally did manage to get pregnant, IVF did work for them, adoption got them their baby/child OR worst of all, they adopted AND then got pregnant.

I do blog about life after 11 years ttc a viable baby, after 8 miscarriages, about finally deciding that I can no longer put my heart through any more heartache. Sometimes it's an uplifting blog, other times its downright dark and depressing but I make no apologies for that. My journey to living childless is not an easy one, just like my ttc journey wasn't an easy one. Why do I blog about it then? Easy. If me putting my heart and soul out there, sharing my journey and feelings helps just one other person on the hard road that is living childless not by choice, then it's been worth it. If me admitting that some days I just don't cope, that on some days just the sight of a pregnant belly turns me into a sobbing mess and someone reading it thinks "hey I do that" and they don't feel strange or weird or wrong, then brilliant.

The road of living childless/childfree not by choice is a bumpy road that's not mapped out, so if I can help one person navigate it, then they can do the same and so on.....

I hope you get your happy ending. 5 years ago, 7 years ago I thought I would too, I'd like to think I still can but I've seen too much, experienced too much to have foolish hope anymore. I truly hope you (or anyone else for that matter) never gets to the stage of losing their hope for motherhood.

#40 plinius

Posted 03 August 2010 - 10:38 AM


I can relate to so many who have posted on this forum.  I don't read woman's magazines and many things in life are triggers for sadness.  It is a secret world of sadness too as most don't understand and even fewer want to.

I am another one of those rare people who had no happy ending.  Still waiting.  I am now 56 and I can't say the journey has ever come near to any happy ending.  The struggle to have a natural baby and then the unsuccessful struggle to adopt.  I wish I had a dollar for all who have said to me, 'why don't you adopt?' and who quote how easy it is for celebrities... If I had those dollars I might have been able to afford the cost of international adoption!

Still, our worth is not in whether we can reproduce, or even in whether we are personally fulfilled.  

I live with a huge black pain inside.  An emptiness that I have never been able to totally ignore.  But...

There are plenty of other people with pain, and plenty of people who have other needs that I can fill.  If I live my life for others, then my own pain diminishes.  I can't fret about my own loss while I am loving someone else and helping them through their pain.

That has given me some worth.

I also have no family.  So for me as I get older, my new pains have been wondering who will even want my family photos?  And who to give my family heirlooms to?  

Yet again, I can always spread what I have over a larger number of people and hope that each piece of me will mean something within each family it goes to.

It is best to live our lives giving all we have to all we can.  I sometimes think that if I had been a mother that would have become a very small goal and perhaps just one person, my child would have been swamped with everything of me.  At least this way, I get to care for many

I do hope that you, Prue don't have the outcome I have had and that you do get your long hoped for baby.  But if you don't, there is life that is worth living beyond the pain

#41 lola77

Posted 04 August 2010 - 03:44 PM

Prue - I truly wish you get your happy ending!

I recall when we were TTC I reached the stage of not being able to be happy for (what felt like) the daily announcements of the latest friend's pregnancy's. Everyone I knew was getting pregnant, and just by looking at their partner! Grrrrr!!

The prospect of an IVF journey led me to seek out stories of hope, because we all need hope, otherwise what's the point? What I couldn't deal with was seeing the forum members' signatures, detailing how long they'd been TTC, the failed drug regimes, the miscarriages. I couldn't enter into this process thinking that it was going to take many many years and much heartache - I needed to hear it was all going to be ok. Luckliy those stories are out there and I think they're what keep people going.

I'm one of those EXTREMELY lucky ones - I got my miracle on my first ICSI cycle and he turns one in 4 weeks time.

I speak openly about having gone through this process and in doing so have discovered that those people who I thought were conceiving at the drop of the hat had in fact: been trying for 2 years; had 2 miscarriages in 6 months; were going through egg donation after childhood cancer treatment; had unexplained infertility.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's a fine line when it comes to the good and not so good stories. I fear that my own stories have given false hope to friends going down the same road who did't get their 'first go' baby but at least they've known they're not alone.

For those who don't get their 'happy ending' I truly hope they know their worth to those`

#42 lola77

Posted 04 August 2010 - 03:51 PM

Prue - I truly wish you get your happy ending!

I recall when we were TTC I reached the stage of not being able to be happy for (what felt like) the daily announcements of the latest friend's pregnancy. Everyone I knew was getting pregnant, and just by looking at their partner! Grrrrr!!

The prospect of an IVF journey led me to seek out stories of hope, because we all need hope, otherwise what's the point? What I couldn't deal with was seeing the forum members' signatures, detailing how long they'd been TTC, the failed drug regimes, the miscarriages. I couldn't enter into this process thinking that it was going to take many many years and much heartache - I needed to hear it was all going to be ok. Luckliy those stories are out there and I think they're what keep people going.

I'm one of those EXTREMELY lucky ones - I got my miracle on my first ICSI cycle and he turns one in 4 weeks time.

I speak openly about having gone through this process and in doing so have discovered that those people who I thought were conceiving at the drop of the hat had in fact: been trying for 2 years; had 2 miscarriages in 6 months; were going through egg donation after childhood cancer treatment; had unexplained infertility.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's a fine line when it comes to the good and not so good stories. I fear that my own stories have given false hope to friends going down the same road  who didn't get their 'first go' baby, but I also hoped it helped knowing that they were never alone.

For those who don't get their 'happy ending' I hope they know that their worth and importance to those who love them goes far beyond their ability to produce children.

#43 LynnyP

Posted 07 August 2010 - 08:55 PM

I think I know what you mean.  It is like those terrible cancer stories where they survive in spite of the odds and they claim the reason they did so is because they "wouldn't give up".  It really devalues the stories of those who have died from the disease, did they give up then?

I would read any book you wrote Prue, regardless of the ending.  You are an exceptional writer, a publisher would be nuts not to sign you up on the spot.  However, I would love to read one with a happy ending because of what that would mean.



#44 charlie'smamma

Posted 08 August 2010 - 09:22 PM

I hope to read your story one day in a published book.

When I lost my son at 34 weeks, I had to order books from the US because there were no books available here to talk about stillbirth either. Even thought there are hundreds of happily ever after books. At such a terrible time it makes you feel even worse because you must be the only person experiencing this.

Good luck with your journey.

#45 sunnyview

Posted 17 August 2010 - 02:14 PM

Bravo Prue!

I just wanted to let you know of another book with a 'not so happy ending' - Sex at 6pm by Annarosa Berman is a 'creative non fiction' and is difficult to read at times but is very indicative of the pain and trials that couples suffering from infertility go through. Please be aware though, some of the things (and the language)  in this book are a little confronting.  

I hope you get your miracle - you deserve it as much as anyone else. Go gently.

#46 RenoMum

Posted 12 January 2011 - 03:33 PM

Hi Prue

I actually came across a book that doesn't have a shiny happy baby on lap ending.  It's called 'Pink for a Girl' by Isla McGuckin. I only read bits and pieces in the shop but it was the experiences of a woman/couple who went through the IVF, miscarraige etc traumas and didn't end up with a baby. Might be worth reading if you can find a copy where you are.

Congratualtions and hope all goes well!

#47 Guest_tigerdog_*

Posted 12 January 2011 - 03:42 PM

I undertand why they do this re. people want some hope for a happy ending.  Bu I can also see that this may set up false expectations for others whom the happy ending may never eventuate.

As for stories being facile, I guess every person's journey is different and the fact they got a child at the end doesn't make the IVF process any less painful or valid for them as it was happeing than it would for someone who didn't get the child at the end (although the happy ending can ease that pain considerably after the fact!).

#48 Little~Oggy

Posted 19 January 2011 - 06:45 PM

I'm still waiting for my book deal! And it wouldn't be a work of fiction.

Mrs Bob and I could have a shared book deal!


QUOTE
As for stories being facile, I guess every person's journey is different and the fact they got a child at the end doesn't make the IVF process any less painful or valid for them as it was happeing than it would for someone who didn't get the child at the end (although the happy ending can ease that pain considerably after the fact!).


That's the difference - if you end up with a child the pain would ease considerably. Where as without the pain often rises up just as intense and painful as ever. Wave after wave of it at times.

Edited by Little~Oggy, 19 January 2011 - 06:48 PM.





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