Jump to content

Despondent ...
will recover tho, I'm sure


  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 July 2010 - 12:59 PM

After a few months of to-ing and fro-ing, DH and I made the decision not to try for #3.  

I was definitely more keen, it was something I immediately wanted virtually as soon as #2 was born, as soon as I laid eyes on her, which was a little strange because I'd never had any desire to have more than 2 kids.  Even now, looking at my two children playing, I sometimes think the picture is not complete.

But, DH was surprised with the idea (and so he should be, we'd always said two kids would be plenty for us). And after a few months of getting him to think about it, we did lots of talking.  And I never wanted him to feel pressured into agreeing - it needed to be something that we both wanted, not simply that one of us wanted and the other just went along with it to keep the peace.  And I didn't want him to be guilted into it, that would be awful.

So, the upshot is that DH doesn't feel the need or urge to have a third child.  And while I accept that (and all his reasons are very reasonable and logical), I feel so sad about it, so empty.  I will get over this eventually - we are so lucky to have the children we have, it's more than I ever hoped for.  But I still wanted 3 children.

Just needed to get it off my mind.  Chin up now, back to life ....

#2 Feral Madam Mim

Posted 07 July 2010 - 01:42 PM

i feel EXACTLY the same way. dh and i always agreed on just 2 children and the possibility of a 3rd, but after the twins were born i felt the need for one more, dh however is in the same place as your dh, he doesn't have the desire for another and i could never guilt or pressure him into bringing a child into the world knowing it isnt what he really wants.

my dh has said that he would think about it more when my twins are in school, but i wont be holding my breath lol.

#3 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 July 2010 - 03:04 PM

QUOTE (mad madam mim @ 07/07/2010, 01:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
i feel EXACTLY the same way. dh and i always agreed on just 2 children and the possibility of a 3rd, but after the twins were born i felt the need for one more, dh however is in the same place as your dh, he doesn't have the desire for another and i could never guilt or pressure him into bringing a child into the world knowing it isnt what he really wants.

my dh has said that he would think about it more when my twins are in school, but i wont be holding my breath lol.


Ah, you have time on your side.  It's either now or never for us - I am getting close to 40 and DH goes over that line in a couple of months.  So, we either bite the bullet and go for it now or we miss that boat forever.

Wish we had the luxury of time but we didn't meet until later in life, took a while to hook up, fall pregnant the first time, etc, etc.

I think DH would be more receptive to the idea if we were 5-10 years younger, but not so now ...


#4 Julie3Girls

Posted 07 July 2010 - 03:49 PM

QUOTE
So, the upshot is that DH doesn't feel the need or urge to have a third child

I guess for me, if I felt strongly about wanting a 3rd, and he didn't feel a "need" for a 3rd, I'd be looking at does he feel strongly about NOT wanting a child.

To me there is a difference between not actually wanting a 3rd, and just not feeling an urge for a 3rd, if you know what I mean.

I agree about not wanting to force my husband to have a 3rd child, but I would hope there would be some feelings the other way, my husband not wanting to force me to settle, when he didn't feel strongly one way or the other.

So hard to make a decision like that ....

#5 marylouise

Posted 07 July 2010 - 03:53 PM

This might sound silly, but I feel like I'm going through a mourning period realising that I'm not having anymore children.  I have a 4 month old (my third) & would love more, but its just not practical & DH doesn't want any more.  I've just (reluctantly) given away my 0000 clothes & my maternity clothes whereas in the past they have always gone in the cupboard "for next time".  sad.gif  I'm really sad.  I love being pregnant.  I love having a newborn..but there will be no more...

PMF I hope that you can reconcile with your feelings over this very soon & don't live with a feeling of regret.  Good luck.

#6 ms flib

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:01 PM

I really understand what the PP wrote about mourning the loss of a future child. It's not silly at all. I spent a couple of years after my third was born in disbelief that I would never be pregnant again or have another baby. I am resolved with it now - three is more than enough. There's another side to it - this baby hunger.

Anyway now I have a mirena (so no accidents) and we're getting on with things as our kids grow up.

These are very real feelings that we need to acknowledge.

Best wishes

#7 Bami

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:05 PM

After I had my DS2 I also felt that the picture wasn't complete and wanted to have one more child. DH wasn't very keen and I figured I had been blessed with two healthy boys and was grateful for that fact. I got rid of all my baby stuff. Then DH said 'okay - shall we have one more?'. So we had another one.

Although I love him to bits (DS3) and wouldn't change things now, I would have been okay with two. Life certainly would have been a lot easier. Even now I find myself thinking about how I could be doing this or that if DS3 wasn't around, like when the older two go to bed at 7.30pm every night however DS3 is still demanding attention until 9pm and then I have to sleep in his bed with him to get him to go to sleep, when I should be getting my uni work done!

I think the common phrase around EB 'You never regret the children you have, but you may regret the children you don't have' is misleading.

I think all women should think very carefully before having more kids. Yes they are adorable, and lovely and babies are just wonderful but now I just think about babies/pregnancy and think how I will have no time to do anything for myself, even sleep.

Perhaps I am getting selfish in my old age though... or perhaps I just know that my family is well and truly complete (no cluckiness here whatsoever!), or maybe I am a mum that is totally over school holidays only days into them!!!!

All the best on whatever you decide.

#8 goldimouse

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:10 PM

Like a PP, I'd talk together and weigh up how badly you DO want another against how badly he DOESN'T want another.

#9 2plusoops

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:13 PM

I fully understand where you're at.  Although I always wanted lots of kids, we also didn't meet til later in life and agreed 2 children was enough - DD now 4 and DS now 2.5.  But we had an 'accident', another DD now 9 months old.   Although I was happy with our decision to stop after two children, since DD2's birth I have found myself wanting another very much but DH doesn't.  I fully understand his reasoning - our ages, finances etc, all very logical and reasonable ........ but understanding that doesn't help.  

I should be happy with the three happy healthy kids we have - and I am, don't get me wrong.  I'd never force him or deliberately get pregnant without his agrement, but everyday a part of me hopes that he'll come home from work and say 'lets have another'.   I know this feeling will pass eventually, at least I hope it will.

Hmm .... sorry OP nothing here to help you, you just a like minded soul  wink.gif

#10 marylouise

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:31 PM

oops - wrong posting...


Edited by marylouise, 07 July 2010 - 04:34 PM.


#11 harrison~at~last

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:49 PM

We had only ever planned 2 children about 3 years apart.  I think we both would have been satisfied with this, complete even.  Someone upstairs had different plans for us though LOL we're both happy about it, but it is pretty overwhelming, and I know DH worries a lot about providing for a larger family than we'd 'agreed' on.

#12 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 July 2010 - 08:35 PM

Thank you for all the responses.  I think it's been hard because over the past few months, DH has been flipping back and forth.  It's only been in the last month or so that he has stayed on the "no more" side and I think that is largely to do with the fact that we have just got a mortgage again.  A 3rd child would mean a bigger car (no question), a bigger house (eventually), etc.  Plus, he's getting older.  And he doesn't want to 'jinx' us.  I thought I was going to be able to swing him over to my side but I also don't want to make a big issue about it as he might just start feeling forced and then it's all over red rover.  I would feel so frustrated if in 3 months he brings it up again and says yes he does, and there is 3 months gone (which is critical when you are hitting up to 40, trust me!)

Yes, I am very thankful for the two happy and healthy girls that we have now.  In many ways, I can't imgaine it could get any better (then, on other days, I wonder how much worse it could possibly get!  biggrin.gif )




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Finding baby name inspiration in unusual places

Sometimes the greatest baby name ideas come from the most unexpected places, as these EB members show.

The case for inducing at 37 weeks

While we often think of pregnancy as a 40 week affair, experts agree that 37 weeks is actually “full term". So is there an argument for inducing all births at 37 weeks?

Does controlled crying really work?

Controlled-crying techniques may help some babies sleep through the night, but for many exhausted new parents, it's just a recipe for more tears all round.

How I taught my infant to use a toilet

As people become more aware of these benefits, I hope more parents will practice this method, so we can cut down on nappies and improve baby bonding.

'I thought it was impossible': Emily Symons pregnant at 45

Aussie actress Emily Symons has announced she is pregnant with her first baby.

Shallow water blackout kills fit, healthy dad

A little girl will grow up without her father after the fit and healthy 34-year-old passed away while doing something he had practised his whole life.

Afternoon naps may be bad for toddlers' sleep

You could be doing yourself a disservice by encouraging your toddler to have an afternoon nap, according to new research.

Best gifts for newborns, new mums and christenings

We've compiled a guide to some of the most popular presents for newborns and new mums, and for christenings and naming days.

Jaime King to be a mum again

Actress Jaime King is pregnant with her second child, giving 16-month-old James a sibling.

Nannies should receive government funding

The Abbott government should extend funding to nannies, and direct childcare payments to low and middle income families, a landmark study on childcare has found. 

Common skin irritations in newborns (and how to treat them)

As many as one in two newborn babies suffer from skin irritations in their first few weeks. So what are the most common rashes and irritations to look out for?

10 wall decals for the nursery or playroom

Wall decals are the answer to creating a beautiful nursery or children's space without lifting a paint brush, a spirit level or even a hammer.

Preschooler walks 2.4km home alone

Three-year-old Cain Trainor headed off home after his first day at a new preschool without telling anyone.

Video: Why mums get nothing done

In spite of being in an almost constant state of motion while looking after the kids and trying to keep things together at home, it can seem as though parents have managed to get nothing on the to-do list done by the end of the day.

The middle name game

The middle name is no longer an afterthought, and parents' inspiration comes from many places.

Have a baby or your money back - but there's a catch

A new IVF scheme offers couples the chance to fall pregnant and give birth - or get their money back. But there's more to it than you might think.

A rare glimpse inside the womb

A baby born still inside the amniotic sac gave US doctors a rare glimpse at life inside the womb.

Battered mum forced to write to her attacker ex in jail

Three years ago Jason Hughes viciously attacked his ex-partner. Now she has to write to him three times a year.

Woman pleads not guilty to ultrasound scam

A West Australian woman will fight allegations that she scammed expectant mums by selling them fake ultrasound pictures of babies.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Brain damaged mum receives compensation

A Sydney mother who suffered brain damage when she was hit by a car while pushing her newborn baby in a pram has reached a confidential out-of-court settlement with the driver's insurance company.

Indigenous midwives break down the barriers

A culturally sensitive midwifery service has gained the trust and respect of Aboriginal women.

The Katering Show's next big delivery

Most mums-to-be plan to take things easy and perhaps have a little break from work as the birth of their baby draws near. Not Kate McCartney.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

Why I have mixed feelings about Cindy Crawford's leaked photo

Last week an un-retouched photo of model Cindy Crawford surfaced, showing the 48-year-old mother-of -two posing in underwear.

How to create a Peppa Pig pancake

Thought your toddler could not love pancakes any more than they already do? How about if the breakfast treat came in the shape of every two-year-old's favourite cartoon character?

'It's a little life, not a little loss': pregnancy after miscarriage

I thought I was never going to be able to have a successful pregnancy. I decided that I wasn't going to form an emotional attachment with this baby.

Bonds Baby Search 2015: what you need to know

February 18 marks the start of one of the most prolific annual baby competitions in Australia: the Bonds Baby Search. And this year is going to be more special than ever.

Who will manage your Facebook account when you're gone?

This is not something that people like to talk about, but Facebook has announced that it will grant users more control over what happens to their pages after they die.

Struggling mum of four wins $188 million

Mother of four Marie Holmes was financially struggling after quitting her jobs at Walmart and McDonald's in order to care for her children.

Pregnant obese women a 'relatively new problem', coroner hears

A first-time mother whose daughter died hours after her frightening birth insists she was never told of the risks of being obese and pregnant.

'I'm angry as hell': the story behind mum's passionate vaccination plea

She has labelled parents who do not vaccinate their children "misinformed imbeciles" - and for that, she makes no apologies.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

8 different kinds of tantrums

I never thought I’d say this, but for a brief moment last week, Kim Kardashian and I had something in common: both our kids had public tantrums.

Polycystic ovary syndrome: symptoms, treatment and your fertility

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female hormonal condition, affecting roughly one in 12 Australian women.

What's the best position for giving birth?

If doing it on your back is out, what's the best position for labour and birth?

Wife forgives snake catcher husband for car surprise

With Valentine's Day coming up, Nat Gilbert could be forgiven for thinking her husband might be planning a surprise for her.

Kids who meet milestones at their own pace

We usually only hear the success stories: tales of the two-year-old who’s talking, running and completely toilet trained. But other stories need to be told too.

Ruby shines as Bonds Baby

Sarah Kiss has a word of advice for proud mums and dads who are keen to enter their babies in this year's Bonds Baby Search Competition - just have fun.

Why dads should go to sleep school

If your family needs to go to sleep school, go with them. You are part of that family and you are part of the solution.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Win a KitchenAid Mixer

Let's celebrate 300,000 fans on Facebook

To celebrate, and to thank our amazing fans, we?re giving away a KitchenAid Artisan Tilt-Head Stand Mixer.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.