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Despondent ...
will recover tho, I'm sure


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#1 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 July 2010 - 12:59 PM

After a few months of to-ing and fro-ing, DH and I made the decision not to try for #3.  

I was definitely more keen, it was something I immediately wanted virtually as soon as #2 was born, as soon as I laid eyes on her, which was a little strange because I'd never had any desire to have more than 2 kids.  Even now, looking at my two children playing, I sometimes think the picture is not complete.

But, DH was surprised with the idea (and so he should be, we'd always said two kids would be plenty for us). And after a few months of getting him to think about it, we did lots of talking.  And I never wanted him to feel pressured into agreeing - it needed to be something that we both wanted, not simply that one of us wanted and the other just went along with it to keep the peace.  And I didn't want him to be guilted into it, that would be awful.

So, the upshot is that DH doesn't feel the need or urge to have a third child.  And while I accept that (and all his reasons are very reasonable and logical), I feel so sad about it, so empty.  I will get over this eventually - we are so lucky to have the children we have, it's more than I ever hoped for.  But I still wanted 3 children.

Just needed to get it off my mind.  Chin up now, back to life ....

#2 Feral Madam Mim

Posted 07 July 2010 - 01:42 PM

i feel EXACTLY the same way. dh and i always agreed on just 2 children and the possibility of a 3rd, but after the twins were born i felt the need for one more, dh however is in the same place as your dh, he doesn't have the desire for another and i could never guilt or pressure him into bringing a child into the world knowing it isnt what he really wants.

my dh has said that he would think about it more when my twins are in school, but i wont be holding my breath lol.

#3 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 July 2010 - 03:04 PM

QUOTE (mad madam mim @ 07/07/2010, 01:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
i feel EXACTLY the same way. dh and i always agreed on just 2 children and the possibility of a 3rd, but after the twins were born i felt the need for one more, dh however is in the same place as your dh, he doesn't have the desire for another and i could never guilt or pressure him into bringing a child into the world knowing it isnt what he really wants.

my dh has said that he would think about it more when my twins are in school, but i wont be holding my breath lol.


Ah, you have time on your side.  It's either now or never for us - I am getting close to 40 and DH goes over that line in a couple of months.  So, we either bite the bullet and go for it now or we miss that boat forever.

Wish we had the luxury of time but we didn't meet until later in life, took a while to hook up, fall pregnant the first time, etc, etc.

I think DH would be more receptive to the idea if we were 5-10 years younger, but not so now ...


#4 Julie3Girls

Posted 07 July 2010 - 03:49 PM

QUOTE
So, the upshot is that DH doesn't feel the need or urge to have a third child

I guess for me, if I felt strongly about wanting a 3rd, and he didn't feel a "need" for a 3rd, I'd be looking at does he feel strongly about NOT wanting a child.

To me there is a difference between not actually wanting a 3rd, and just not feeling an urge for a 3rd, if you know what I mean.

I agree about not wanting to force my husband to have a 3rd child, but I would hope there would be some feelings the other way, my husband not wanting to force me to settle, when he didn't feel strongly one way or the other.

So hard to make a decision like that ....

#5 marylouise

Posted 07 July 2010 - 03:53 PM

This might sound silly, but I feel like I'm going through a mourning period realising that I'm not having anymore children.  I have a 4 month old (my third) & would love more, but its just not practical & DH doesn't want any more.  I've just (reluctantly) given away my 0000 clothes & my maternity clothes whereas in the past they have always gone in the cupboard "for next time".  sad.gif  I'm really sad.  I love being pregnant.  I love having a newborn..but there will be no more...

PMF I hope that you can reconcile with your feelings over this very soon & don't live with a feeling of regret.  Good luck.

#6 ms flib

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:01 PM

I really understand what the PP wrote about mourning the loss of a future child. It's not silly at all. I spent a couple of years after my third was born in disbelief that I would never be pregnant again or have another baby. I am resolved with it now - three is more than enough. There's another side to it - this baby hunger.

Anyway now I have a mirena (so no accidents) and we're getting on with things as our kids grow up.

These are very real feelings that we need to acknowledge.

Best wishes

#7 Bami

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:05 PM

After I had my DS2 I also felt that the picture wasn't complete and wanted to have one more child. DH wasn't very keen and I figured I had been blessed with two healthy boys and was grateful for that fact. I got rid of all my baby stuff. Then DH said 'okay - shall we have one more?'. So we had another one.

Although I love him to bits (DS3) and wouldn't change things now, I would have been okay with two. Life certainly would have been a lot easier. Even now I find myself thinking about how I could be doing this or that if DS3 wasn't around, like when the older two go to bed at 7.30pm every night however DS3 is still demanding attention until 9pm and then I have to sleep in his bed with him to get him to go to sleep, when I should be getting my uni work done!

I think the common phrase around EB 'You never regret the children you have, but you may regret the children you don't have' is misleading.

I think all women should think very carefully before having more kids. Yes they are adorable, and lovely and babies are just wonderful but now I just think about babies/pregnancy and think how I will have no time to do anything for myself, even sleep.

Perhaps I am getting selfish in my old age though... or perhaps I just know that my family is well and truly complete (no cluckiness here whatsoever!), or maybe I am a mum that is totally over school holidays only days into them!!!!

All the best on whatever you decide.

#8 goldimouse

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:10 PM

Like a PP, I'd talk together and weigh up how badly you DO want another against how badly he DOESN'T want another.

#9 2plusoops

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:13 PM

I fully understand where you're at.  Although I always wanted lots of kids, we also didn't meet til later in life and agreed 2 children was enough - DD now 4 and DS now 2.5.  But we had an 'accident', another DD now 9 months old.   Although I was happy with our decision to stop after two children, since DD2's birth I have found myself wanting another very much but DH doesn't.  I fully understand his reasoning - our ages, finances etc, all very logical and reasonable ........ but understanding that doesn't help.  

I should be happy with the three happy healthy kids we have - and I am, don't get me wrong.  I'd never force him or deliberately get pregnant without his agrement, but everyday a part of me hopes that he'll come home from work and say 'lets have another'.   I know this feeling will pass eventually, at least I hope it will.

Hmm .... sorry OP nothing here to help you, you just a like minded soul  wink.gif

#10 marylouise

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:31 PM

oops - wrong posting...


Edited by marylouise, 07 July 2010 - 04:34 PM.


#11 harrison~at~last

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:49 PM

We had only ever planned 2 children about 3 years apart.  I think we both would have been satisfied with this, complete even.  Someone upstairs had different plans for us though LOL we're both happy about it, but it is pretty overwhelming, and I know DH worries a lot about providing for a larger family than we'd 'agreed' on.

#12 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 July 2010 - 08:35 PM

Thank you for all the responses.  I think it's been hard because over the past few months, DH has been flipping back and forth.  It's only been in the last month or so that he has stayed on the "no more" side and I think that is largely to do with the fact that we have just got a mortgage again.  A 3rd child would mean a bigger car (no question), a bigger house (eventually), etc.  Plus, he's getting older.  And he doesn't want to 'jinx' us.  I thought I was going to be able to swing him over to my side but I also don't want to make a big issue about it as he might just start feeling forced and then it's all over red rover.  I would feel so frustrated if in 3 months he brings it up again and says yes he does, and there is 3 months gone (which is critical when you are hitting up to 40, trust me!)

Yes, I am very thankful for the two happy and healthy girls that we have now.  In many ways, I can't imgaine it could get any better (then, on other days, I wonder how much worse it could possibly get!  biggrin.gif )




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