Jump to content

Despondent ...
will recover tho, I'm sure


  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 July 2010 - 12:59 PM

After a few months of to-ing and fro-ing, DH and I made the decision not to try for #3.  

I was definitely more keen, it was something I immediately wanted virtually as soon as #2 was born, as soon as I laid eyes on her, which was a little strange because I'd never had any desire to have more than 2 kids.  Even now, looking at my two children playing, I sometimes think the picture is not complete.

But, DH was surprised with the idea (and so he should be, we'd always said two kids would be plenty for us). And after a few months of getting him to think about it, we did lots of talking.  And I never wanted him to feel pressured into agreeing - it needed to be something that we both wanted, not simply that one of us wanted and the other just went along with it to keep the peace.  And I didn't want him to be guilted into it, that would be awful.

So, the upshot is that DH doesn't feel the need or urge to have a third child.  And while I accept that (and all his reasons are very reasonable and logical), I feel so sad about it, so empty.  I will get over this eventually - we are so lucky to have the children we have, it's more than I ever hoped for.  But I still wanted 3 children.

Just needed to get it off my mind.  Chin up now, back to life ....

#2 Feral Madam Mim

Posted 07 July 2010 - 01:42 PM

i feel EXACTLY the same way. dh and i always agreed on just 2 children and the possibility of a 3rd, but after the twins were born i felt the need for one more, dh however is in the same place as your dh, he doesn't have the desire for another and i could never guilt or pressure him into bringing a child into the world knowing it isnt what he really wants.

my dh has said that he would think about it more when my twins are in school, but i wont be holding my breath lol.

#3 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 July 2010 - 03:04 PM

QUOTE (mad madam mim @ 07/07/2010, 01:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
i feel EXACTLY the same way. dh and i always agreed on just 2 children and the possibility of a 3rd, but after the twins were born i felt the need for one more, dh however is in the same place as your dh, he doesn't have the desire for another and i could never guilt or pressure him into bringing a child into the world knowing it isnt what he really wants.

my dh has said that he would think about it more when my twins are in school, but i wont be holding my breath lol.


Ah, you have time on your side.  It's either now or never for us - I am getting close to 40 and DH goes over that line in a couple of months.  So, we either bite the bullet and go for it now or we miss that boat forever.

Wish we had the luxury of time but we didn't meet until later in life, took a while to hook up, fall pregnant the first time, etc, etc.

I think DH would be more receptive to the idea if we were 5-10 years younger, but not so now ...


#4 Julie3Girls

Posted 07 July 2010 - 03:49 PM

QUOTE
So, the upshot is that DH doesn't feel the need or urge to have a third child

I guess for me, if I felt strongly about wanting a 3rd, and he didn't feel a "need" for a 3rd, I'd be looking at does he feel strongly about NOT wanting a child.

To me there is a difference between not actually wanting a 3rd, and just not feeling an urge for a 3rd, if you know what I mean.

I agree about not wanting to force my husband to have a 3rd child, but I would hope there would be some feelings the other way, my husband not wanting to force me to settle, when he didn't feel strongly one way or the other.

So hard to make a decision like that ....

#5 marylouise

Posted 07 July 2010 - 03:53 PM

This might sound silly, but I feel like I'm going through a mourning period realising that I'm not having anymore children.  I have a 4 month old (my third) & would love more, but its just not practical & DH doesn't want any more.  I've just (reluctantly) given away my 0000 clothes & my maternity clothes whereas in the past they have always gone in the cupboard "for next time".  sad.gif  I'm really sad.  I love being pregnant.  I love having a newborn..but there will be no more...

PMF I hope that you can reconcile with your feelings over this very soon & don't live with a feeling of regret.  Good luck.

#6 ms flib

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:01 PM

I really understand what the PP wrote about mourning the loss of a future child. It's not silly at all. I spent a couple of years after my third was born in disbelief that I would never be pregnant again or have another baby. I am resolved with it now - three is more than enough. There's another side to it - this baby hunger.

Anyway now I have a mirena (so no accidents) and we're getting on with things as our kids grow up.

These are very real feelings that we need to acknowledge.

Best wishes

#7 Bami

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:05 PM

After I had my DS2 I also felt that the picture wasn't complete and wanted to have one more child. DH wasn't very keen and I figured I had been blessed with two healthy boys and was grateful for that fact. I got rid of all my baby stuff. Then DH said 'okay - shall we have one more?'. So we had another one.

Although I love him to bits (DS3) and wouldn't change things now, I would have been okay with two. Life certainly would have been a lot easier. Even now I find myself thinking about how I could be doing this or that if DS3 wasn't around, like when the older two go to bed at 7.30pm every night however DS3 is still demanding attention until 9pm and then I have to sleep in his bed with him to get him to go to sleep, when I should be getting my uni work done!

I think the common phrase around EB 'You never regret the children you have, but you may regret the children you don't have' is misleading.

I think all women should think very carefully before having more kids. Yes they are adorable, and lovely and babies are just wonderful but now I just think about babies/pregnancy and think how I will have no time to do anything for myself, even sleep.

Perhaps I am getting selfish in my old age though... or perhaps I just know that my family is well and truly complete (no cluckiness here whatsoever!), or maybe I am a mum that is totally over school holidays only days into them!!!!

All the best on whatever you decide.

#8 goldimouse

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:10 PM

Like a PP, I'd talk together and weigh up how badly you DO want another against how badly he DOESN'T want another.

#9 2plusoops

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:13 PM

I fully understand where you're at.  Although I always wanted lots of kids, we also didn't meet til later in life and agreed 2 children was enough - DD now 4 and DS now 2.5.  But we had an 'accident', another DD now 9 months old.   Although I was happy with our decision to stop after two children, since DD2's birth I have found myself wanting another very much but DH doesn't.  I fully understand his reasoning - our ages, finances etc, all very logical and reasonable ........ but understanding that doesn't help.  

I should be happy with the three happy healthy kids we have - and I am, don't get me wrong.  I'd never force him or deliberately get pregnant without his agrement, but everyday a part of me hopes that he'll come home from work and say 'lets have another'.   I know this feeling will pass eventually, at least I hope it will.

Hmm .... sorry OP nothing here to help you, you just a like minded soul  wink.gif

#10 marylouise

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:31 PM

oops - wrong posting...


Edited by marylouise, 07 July 2010 - 04:34 PM.


#11 harrison~at~last

Posted 07 July 2010 - 04:49 PM

We had only ever planned 2 children about 3 years apart.  I think we both would have been satisfied with this, complete even.  Someone upstairs had different plans for us though LOL we're both happy about it, but it is pretty overwhelming, and I know DH worries a lot about providing for a larger family than we'd 'agreed' on.

#12 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 07 July 2010 - 08:35 PM

Thank you for all the responses.  I think it's been hard because over the past few months, DH has been flipping back and forth.  It's only been in the last month or so that he has stayed on the "no more" side and I think that is largely to do with the fact that we have just got a mortgage again.  A 3rd child would mean a bigger car (no question), a bigger house (eventually), etc.  Plus, he's getting older.  And he doesn't want to 'jinx' us.  I thought I was going to be able to swing him over to my side but I also don't want to make a big issue about it as he might just start feeling forced and then it's all over red rover.  I would feel so frustrated if in 3 months he brings it up again and says yes he does, and there is 3 months gone (which is critical when you are hitting up to 40, trust me!)

Yes, I am very thankful for the two happy and healthy girls that we have now.  In many ways, I can't imgaine it could get any better (then, on other days, I wonder how much worse it could possibly get!  biggrin.gif )




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

WIN a $500 Visa debit card

Are you a parent? Simply take our survey for your chance to win a $500 pre-paid VISA debit card.

Breastfeeding doesn't make you a better mum - feeding your baby does

Given my immense dislike of Hopkins and her opinions, I was genuinely shocked to discover that last week she actually said something that I agreed with.

'Toni, another baby has died': the anguish of watching governments fail our babies

It has been six years since whooping cough claimed the life of four-week-old Dana McCaffery. Her parents are angry that lessons learnt weren't enough to save other babies.

Longer breastfeeding linked to higher IQ

A study of 3500 infants has found that babies who are breastfed grow up to be more intelligent and wealthy.

The 2015 flu vaccine: what's new, who should get it

For certain members of the community, catching flu can lead to severe illness or death. A vaccination can be lifesaving.

Dealing with a nappy escape artist

I hear about the tots that have a penchant for ripping their nappies off and the odd one that even smears the brown stuff on the walls and fine home furnishings, and I shudder.

Hospital apologises for 'traumatising' baby mix-up

St Vincent's Hospital has apologised "unreservedly" for a baby mix-up that left one new mum traumatised.

Tips for flying with a baby

Travelling with kids requires a whole other set of skills - ones that I have learned through (sometimes unfortunate) trial and error.

How to stay calm in an emergency

I’m not expecting you to be as calm as you might be right now. What I mean is that if your panic levels are through the roof during a stressful situation, let’s bring them down to just under the ceiling.

Toddler gets 'drunk' after cranberry juice mix-up

A toddler was taken to hospital after a waitress served her sangria instead of cranberry juice at a US restaurant.

We need to stop using this word when we talk about childbirth

Is it shaming to point out that women are often being let down in birth?

The certificate helping parents deal with pregnancy loss

For some people, this certificate will offer a sense of validation that their child was acknowledged as being here and now gone, and will help them with life post-loss.

Grieving families give warnings after toddler deaths

Two Queensland families are grieving the loss of their toddler sons after the boys drowned in separate incidents last week.

The phenomenon of phantom pregnancy kicks

'Phantom pregnancy kicks’ are encountered by many mums months - or even years - after their pregnancy is over.

The health insurance advice you can't afford to ignore

There's one simple switch that could save you hundreds of dollars a year in private health insurance.

4D scans show how smoking affects babies still in the womb

The harmful effects of smoking during pregnancy on unborn babies may be seen in tiny movements in their faces using 4D ultrasound scans, research has found.

How to babyproof your job interview

Once upon a time, I was a fan of job interviews. That all changed after I'd switched careers, had a baby and decided to spend the first year at home with her.

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

The most dangerous toddler food trends

Pete Evans' paleo cookbook for kids caused a storm, but there are plenty of other unsafe food trends for babies and toddlers.

Infection killed new mum of twins

Modern medicine could not save 19-year-old Sophie Burgess who died 48 hours after giving birth to twins in the UK.

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, we are giving away five DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

Man faces jail after giving woman abortion pill smoothie

A Norwegian man is facing jail after putting abortion pills in his ex-girlfriend's smoothie, causing her to have a miscarriage.

'He's a blessing': family of baby born without eyes

Jordy Jackson was born without eyes. He has anophthalmia, which affects one in every 100,000 babies born.

Win one of 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers

With Easter fast approaching, Cadbury are giving away 5 Cadbury Easter Hampers. Enter Now!

Super fit model Sarah Stage defends her pregnancy body

Model Sarah Stage has defended her pregnancy body after critics claimed her slim figure at eight-and-a-half months pregnant wasn't "normal".

Win a Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom and Peppa Pig prize pack

To celebrate the April 1 release of Holly's Magic Wand on DVD and Digital, Essential Baby and Entertainment One are giving away five bumper DVD packs featuring the newest installment of Ben & Holly's Little Kingdom Holly's Magic Wand and many more hours of family entertainment! Enter Now!

Why I post breastfeeding photos online

I love to take pictures of my children. In some of the pictures, my younger son is nursing.

The day I broke my baby

There are things I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know that companies make tiny braces, small enough to hold necks no bigger than a wrist.

The place just for dads of multiples

When a couple discovers they're expecting multiples, the dad can sometimes be almost forgotten in all the excitement and preparation. But one group offers a space just for dads of twins and higher-order multiples.

Brave mum calls for domestic violence law reform

A brave mum of two has shared details of the harrowing attacks she suffered at the hands of her partner in a bid to help other victims of domestic violence.

Why I had the new test for Down syndrome

Early last year I turned 35, and having just found out I was pregnant, I opted to have the new test for Down syndrome.

Geeky baby gear

If your family is more into Star Wars, gaming and the periodic table than most, you might want to check out these geek-chic baby items.

2015: the year of the sheep

According to the Chinese zodiac, babies born in the year of the sheep are creative and enjoy spending quiet time with their own thoughts.

Breakthrough genetic testing now available in Australia

Pregnant women will for the first time have access to locally analysed, accurate, non-invasive pre-natal genetic testing when the first Australian clinic to offer the services opens its doors next week.

Grandbabies: the babies born looking old

Not a day under 65 and a lifetime of struggle! That's the look of these newborns, who look adorably older than their real age. Social networking site Reddit recently featured user submissions of adorable grandbabies, here are our favourites.

Family kicked off flight after toddler seatbelt drama

An entire family was kicked off a Cathay Pacific flight when a misbehaving toddler refused to put his seatbelt on.

Stolen baby found after 17 years

A baby stolen from her mother's arms shortly after birth has been found through an astonishing coincidence.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Sign up now!

30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Receive a daily email from Essential Baby during April with great play tips and ideas, then submit your baby at play photos to our Playwall, Instagram or Twitter for your chance to win.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.